All-Star Finale

Previously on I Guess That's Why They Call It The Snooze: A military escort was necessary to keep the All-Stars safe from the...oh, the Whigs or the Huguenots or the Animal Liberation Front or what have you, as they skimmed across Panama on their way to greener, leafier, and sexier pastures than those that had gone before. It appeared that Big Tom noted that this game was "for the big boys," although he may have noted that it was "furta bibvoys," which I believe is Turkish for "centered on the ancient themes of hypocrisy and borderline starvation." The tribes were briefly stuck without supplies, and they found it very difficult to make fire, as they were by rule not permitted to use the flickering embers of their own celebrity. "Nobody trusts anybody," Boston Rob told us early on.

Themes centered somewhere below the waist included The Usually Futile Effort To Avoid Hatch's Ass, along with the Multi-Stage Young Studmuffins' Dick-Measuring Contest. Surprisingly, Chapera, the winnerless little tribe that could, got off to a roaring start, challenge-wise. Tina took the first boot, but Rudy took the second. And then Jenna M.'s mother got sick, leading to a precipitous drop in the likelihood of female nudity. It rained. Rupert's sand hole flooded. Jerri cried. When Chapera finally made it to tribal council, Boston Rob wasted no time in dispensing with Amazon Rob, undoubtedly the biggest threat to his assorted evil schemes as well as the guy most likely to bust out with "Magic Carpet Ride" on about Day 26 and make everybody want to die. Then Saboga was dissolved, and while it seemed like Ethan might be on the block, Mogo Mogo served up a bit of a shocker by booting Hatch. Sue left under strange and unsettling circumstances; the less said about that, the better. Chapera recovered and ran off the two challenges, relieving Mogo Mogo of the broad shoulders of Colby and Ethan.

Over at Chapera, meanwhile, Rob and Amber started to do a little not-so-covert smooching. But then the tribes were "mixed," which meant essentially that Amber was sent over to Mogo Mogo (which was now Chapera, but that will just be confusing, so forget that part happened). When Mogo Mogo lost the immunity challenge, they more than obviously needed to vote Amber off in order to have a chance, but Lex fell for an offered deal from Rob and decided to vote off Jerri instead, making him quite possibly the biggest sucker in the history of the game. This was followed by the merge, and guess what? Yeah, Lex was the first to go. Which would have been a really heartbreaking scandal had it not been so...well, hilarious. And then Kathy went, and then -- after Shii Ann unexpectedly won immunity -- Alicia went. Shii Ann then finally ran out of luck at last and was eliminated, followed by an unconvincingly "menacing" Big Tom. And then there were four -- Rob, Amber, Rupert, and Jenna. Two pairs of allies, one more episode. And it's a good thing, too, because I am getting a serious headache. Oh, and in other news, the jury deployed a barrage of eye-rolls and tongue clicks to make it very clear that they were going to be the biggest bunch of whiny-ass babies in the history of the game, which they apparently believed was going to make them look noble. They were sadly mistaken.

Oh, and when recapping the very first episode, I said the following: "Elsewhere, as they gather logs, Boston Rob asks Amber if she wants to be in an alliance with him. It does not come with a ring." Thank you. Thank you very much.

Credits. You know, I don't even care who wins; Boston Rob smoked all these fools, and no amount of sniveling on their part is going to change it. So there. I feel better, don't you?

In night vision, a snake slithers around what's left of Chaboga Mogo on Night 36. The group has just returned from voting out Big Tom, and Jenna wonders, "What was that glare as he walked out?" She manages to say it without laughing, which is more than I could have done. Rupert gravely says that Big Tom hates all of them. Rob calmly stares out at the water as he notes that he's well aware that Big Tom lied right to his face repeatedly. Jenna calls the tribal council "honest and hurtful." She then does an interview in which she marvels at the fact that eighteen of the best players came out here, and now there are only four left, and one of them is her. "How'd that happen?" she wonders. If you open your windows, you can almost hear mutterings of agreement from living rooms everywhere. Back around the fire, Rupert picks up a pot and takes it down toward the creek, leaving Jenna to sit with Rob and Amber. Unsurprisingly, they waste no time in telling her that if Rupert doesn't win immunity in the challenge, he's their target. Jenna has no chance to beat Rupert in a final vote anyway, they reason, so she'd be a lot better off going forward with the two of them. "You can take your own destiny in your own hands," says Rob. As did the reality-show contestants of Greek mythology, which is what made them heroes, as we all know. Jenna stares into the fire. Oh, what to do, what to do.

On the morning of Day 37, the group is still pulling itself out of its slumbers when a boat full of Jeff appears on the horizon. He lumbers up onto the beach and, assisted by Rupert, hauls a huge basket up to the group. Amber says that she feared that the challenge was somehow contained in the basket, but of course, when Jeff opens the basket, it's full of goodies. Because this is, if nothing else, the season of abundance. In this case, Jeff comes bearing eggs, bacon, pancake mix, and that sort of thing. I think the Panama Slam is on the menu right under the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, by the way. (Sadly, I discovered while on an anthropological dig through TWoP's history of "Moons Over My Hammy" jokes, that I already made one, so I was stuck with IHOP. There are apparently a limited number of breakfasts that amuse me.) There is also champagne in the basket, of course, because as anyone who's been to a few Mother's Day brunches can tell you, there's nothing like mimosas to get the ball rolling, in terms of repressed anger. The happy tribe celebrates. Jeff also points out that the basket includes a scrapbook and a Polaroid camera that they can use to take pictures. Amber interviews that breakfast is actually her favorite meal, and as we watch her fellate a strawberry, she calls the meal "huge." The tribe toasts with mimosas. "Good luck, everybody," says Rob. He then interviews that the final four consists, of course, of two pairs of folks. "There's no chance myself and Amber are gonna break," he says. He goes on to speculate that Jenna, however, may decide to break from Rupert if the situation develops that way. Or, he says, "it may come down to a purple rock."

Jenna and Amber go on a water run, and Jenna voices over that she's concerned about the possibility of a tiebreaker. She says that, in the event of a tie, the three people without immunity would all choose rocks out of a bag, and whoever got the loser rock would be booted. "I don't want it to come down to a fricking rock," she says to Amber as they walk in the jungle. Amber interviews that she and Rob knew that the tiebreaker was staring them down, so they "gave [Jenna] the option" of booting Rupert and getting to F3 with them. Jenna tells Amber that going along with this would "get [her] one step closer," which I think is the right call. There have been numerous attempts to figure the probabilities that were confronting Jenna at this point, but ultimately, this gets her into the endurance challenge she knows is coming, and if you're not willing to gamble on your ability to win the endurance challenge, then you don't have the stones for this game in the first place. So I think that's the choice -- to bet on yourself or not. "I'm taking fate in my own hands," she says.

When Jenna and Amber return to camp with water, they find that Rupert and Rob have made pancakes. Jenna claims that she's been craving a pancake, and although I'm sure she has, the whole "I am rapturous over real food" thing just is not that convincing when these people have been given enormous catered meals seemingly every couple of days for the last couple of weeks. And really, I don't want pancake eating to be quite this rife with ecstatic moaning anyway, however heartfelt. Rupert points out that this breakfast is someone's last supper. "Somebody is leaving tonight," he says. "Boy, I hope it's not me." That's okay, Rupert. If it is you, CBS will probably just find another way to hand you a million dollars for doing absolutely nothing of note, being the pandering and gutless suck-ups that they are. I'm just guessing, of course.

We cut to the misty aerial shot that denotes an upcoming challenge, and we eventually land at a giant maze constructed in a clearing. The final four approach the maze, where Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Rob. Jeff explains that they will all start out in the center of the maze, and they'll each have to make their way out to eight points on the outside of the maze, where they'll retrieve a rung for their ladder, located in the center. The first person to get to all the endpoints, retrieve all his or her rungs, get back to the center, and build the ladder will win immunity. There are also obstacles in certain parts of the maze, like tangles of rope to wade through, or cage-like arrangements of branches to crawl around. I want there to be a bear one of these times. Just tell them there are rope courses and stuff, then when they go down one of the legs of the maze, release a giant black bear. One that hasn't eaten in thirty-nine days. It would be ironic, get it?

The contestants all get set at their spots, and Jeff gives the holler to start. From the middle of the maze, they all take off. Amber is first to get a rung. The rest follow. You know, honestly, there's not that much to say about a challenge like this. They run a pretty close race between the four of them. There's maze running, there's crawling under branches, there's weaving through ropes...it's nothing you couldn't see at the Adventure Games at summer camp. Gorp for everyone! Anyway, late in the game, Rob falters and starts to go in circles, as Amber continues to go full throttle. At the end, it's pretty much down to Amber and Rupert, and while he makes a valiant effort, she beats him. So it's Amber the Universally Underestimated, standing at the top of her tower with immunity. The rest come back to the center, and Amber crawls down and collects the immunity necklace. Sure, sure, it's always the pretty girls who get the really rad jewelry. Jeff reminds the group that somebody will be going home shortly, and then he sends them back to camp.

When we return, it is still Day 37 at Chaboga Mogo. Rob sits on a rock staring out at the water as Amber works away on the scrapbook, the only person with no worries. Jenna and Rupert sit by the fire. "We vote for Rob, and see what happens," he says to her reassuringly. Jenna tells him that they have to talk about that a little bit. He asks her why they would need to talk about it. "They came to me last night," she says, and she goes on to explain the offer she received from Rob and Amber. She tells Rupert that she's given it a lot of thought, and in the end, she decided not to vote with Rob and Amber. Rupert smiles. "I would rather sit there and pick a rock than give them the smug satisfaction of knowing that they're guaranteed a spot," she says. It's weird -- part of me thinks Jenna meant this at the time that she said it, but since she hasn't seemed to hate Rob and Amber enough to justify that comment, it's a little jarring. Furthermore, if that's true, it's stupid of her, because as much as I hate smugness, I don't hate it as much as I like a million dollars. Though it's close.

Rupert earnestly looks at his interviewer. "My fate rests on the honor of a twenty-six-year-old single mama who really, really wants to win badly." Now, when I first heard this comment, it struck me as incredibly galling -- what does the fact that Jenna is a single mother have to do with jack? Read in a certain way, it seems to imply that young single mothers are not to be trusted, and that is certainly very much in line with many of Rupert's condescending attitude toward everyone who isn't him, and specifically with his really obnoxious attitudes about women. However. The second time I watched it, it seemed at least plausible that his reason for bringing up Jenna's status is to link it to how much she wants to win -- in other words, that she's a young single mother and therefore wants or needs the money especially badly, making her more likely to be mercenary about it. I don't know. I think Rupert has shown himself to be enough of an ass to say it and mean it in the first way, but I kind of think that at least consciously, he was thinking of it in the second way. My feelings remain mixed. Either way, it's not resting on anyone's "honor," Rupert -- it's resting on what Jenna thinks is strategically best for her, which is exactly as it should be.

A metaphorical snake crawls across a rock, and we watch Rob ask Jenna how things are going to go, and whether she's made up her mind. She says she hasn't. Rob tells her that he understands that he's obviously biased in telling her what to do, but she has to admit that she can't beat Rupert in the final two, so she might as well get rid of him now. I think Rob's facial hair reaches maximum smarmitude in this scene, by the way -- you can almost hear the buzzers going off and see the red light flashing just off-screen as he sets off the detectors. Jenna responds that if that's the case, then it might be just as good for her to gamble on the rock in the hopes that it would get Rob out -- I think she means that getting rid of Rob would give her a better shot at the ultimate immunity, in which case she could choose to take Amber instead of Rupert and control the F2 herself. Rob tries to convince her that none of them has a chance of beating Rupert in an F2 situation, so they might as well boot him. She isn't so sure. She interviews that she doesn't want to let Rob push her around, but that there's some truth in what he says, and she expresses the opinion that if she could get to F3 and win the final challenge, she'd win, because she believes she could beat either Rob or Amber. See? Jenna understands what a bunch of babies are on the jury, because she knows they don't like her that much, but she also knows that they'll never forgive Rob for kicking their asses.

Tribal council. Jeff brings in the jury. Big Tom is wearing overalls and no shirt. So that's sexy, as you can imagine. Jeff opens by talking about the last tribal council, which seems kind of unfair, as far as I'm concerned, in that it basically reopens the grievances of people who have been voted off. Jeff asks Jenna whether she noticed the strong jury reaction to Big Tom's booting. Jenna says she did, and she says that, of course, that made her think. She points out that these are people who have been voted out, and that "facing them is traumatic." Alicia gives the enormous, disgusted eye-roll. And I'll give her that "traumatic" is a bit of silly hyperbole, but still? Shut up, Alicia's rolling eyes. You've got nothing to be particularly proud of, either. Jeff attacks Rob for "betraying" Big Tom in the final five, which...again, I kind of wish he hadn't done, because it really does smell like interference. I don't like Jeff making judgments on what people have done, particularly -- like I said -- when it involves bringing up by proxy the beefs of the departed. Rob's response is, "There's two sides to every story, and I say that with one hundred percent conviction." And it's not clear yet what that means either. But it will be later.

Jeff turns to Amber and tells her to "make the argument" that the jury shouldn't be bitter over being voted out, because it's part of the game. Good grief, Jeff, Larry King asks tougher questions than that right before he starts licking some famous person's neck. Amber's response is to recall that she had an alliance in Australia also, and that she was betrayed by it, but that in the end, she voted for the person she thought stabbed her in the back, because she admitted that she was outplayed. I think Amber expects far too much from this jury, because they are certainly not going to be doing that. Jeff says it seems to him that with each tribal council, the "emotional wear and tear" seems to become more pronounced. He asks Rupert about the fact that he and Jenna have been "pretty tight," and that Rob and Amber have been "pretty tight," so now it's down to just the four of them. Rupert says that the day was "very high and very low." Jeff asks Jenna whether this means what it appears to -- that Rupert is on the block unless there's a tie. She confirms it, saying that it's tough, because she genuinely feels that she has "a bond" with Rupert, but that it's also a game in which she wants to get as far as she can. Jeff asks Rupert how he feels about all this -- because he just hasn't had quite enough of an opportunity to talk yet -- and he says that he wants himself and Jenna to "stand strong" and "force the rock issue." Wow, that's really brave of him. It's remarkable how it always just so happens that other people playing the right and honorable way always makes it more likely that Rupert will win. In Rupert's mind, I think honor is actually a little guy in a cape and tights, running around waving a "Go Rupert" sign.

Rupert goes to vote. He votes for Rob. "I don't know what else to say; I hope we both have two votes, and I hope we go into a tie." ["The fact that he wants there to be a tie in which someone who doesn't get any votes could go proves exactly why he never could and never should win this game." -- Wing Chun] Rob votes for Rupert. "You're a gentleman, buddy. It's been a pleasure playing the game with you. I hope it's you tonight and not me." Amber votes. Jenna walks up to vote, and seriously does seem to be waffling even as she holds her pen over the paper.

This is how I see Jenna's choice: Jenna has exactly one way to win, and that is to make it to F2 with either Rob or Amber and hope the jury is really bitter and petty. And because Rob and Amber will take each other if it comes to that, this requires her to win the final immunity challenge. Therefore, Jenna cannot win the game without winning the final immunity challenge anyway. While her chances of beating Rupert and Amber in that challenge might be marginally better than her chances of beating Rob and Amber, I don't think they are so much better that it justifies taking a one-third risk of being eliminated at this stage. In other words, Jenna's got to bet on herself at the F3 challenge, so once she's done that math, there's no benefit in risking the rock. To the degree that she hurts herself with the jury by booting Rupert, she's going to have to do that at F3 anyway if she wants to win. If Rob goes now and Jenna wins F3, she'd have to take Amber instead of Rupert if she wants to have a chance, so she's still going to have the Rupert-booting to contend with. It just makes no sense to me for her to risk the rock at this point, and I don't think it's even a very close decision. Finally, she votes.

The first vote goes to Rob. Second to Rupert. Third to Rupert. And...fourth to Rupert. So Jenna did the only sensible thing and put herself into F3. Rupert gets up. Jenna looks unhappily at the ground. Rupert shakes Rob's hand. He shakes Jenna's hand, and then she hops up to give him a hug. "It's part of the game," he mutters to her. And he'll be sticking with that attitude for about three minutes. Alicia makes a face, because...well, never mind. If you try to figure out why Alicia makes faces during this episode, you will have no time for anything else. Amber kisses Rupert's hand. And then, I dearly hope, she goes and takes a big drink from a gallon jug of hand sanitizer. Rupert's torch is snuffed. SNUFF. Bug off, jackass. I've had enough of you. In fact, I've had too much of you. Jeff tells the last three that they've all survived another vote, and that they can go back to camp.

Rupert's parting words are predictably silly. "I am a little angry at Jenna. Greed won out over friendship. Almost disgusted me. There's not one person in this game that can say I lied to them, that I played conniving. I did my best; I honestly had a very, very good experience with Survivor All-Stars." Wow. So greed won out over friendship, huh? This from a guy who stared into a camera and called this "young girl" a "pain in the ass." Apparently, their friendship was so abiding that she should have screwed herself to protect him, even though he was plotting to boot her not a week before this happened. Oy. Even the thoroughly obnoxious Lex doesn't have quite Rupert's head-shaking, disappointed-daddy way of acting like other people's failure to be as noble and perfect as he is just breaks his big, fuzzy heart. Bleh. Go. Away.

Later, the moon hangs over night-vision camp as Rob, Amber, and Jenna ponder their fates. Jenna tells them that as much as she loves Rupert, she ultimately wasn't able to gamble on rocks drawn out of a bag. ["Yes! Because she's sensible! And because the person who goes should be the person who gets voted out by his or her teammates, not just someone who has bad luck in lotteries! That's exactly why there hasn't been a tie in this game since the rock bag turned into the tiebreaker, Rupert! Good lord." -- Wing Chun] Rob tells Jenna that he respects the fact that she made the decision on her own, whatever it was. Of course, as is always the case when people praise a decision "whatever it was," the decision happened to go the way he wanted. Pure coincidence, obviously. Apparently, it's early in the morning as opposed to late at night, because here comes Boatload-O-Jeff again. He comes up on the beach and asks them what they're all doing up already. They tell him that, as the F3, they find sleeping a little difficult. Jeff tells them that in keeping with the overblown quasi-ceremonial quality that always accompanies the end of the season, this will be a big day. They will get in a canoe and follow a map to an area where there are body paints and jewelry used by a tribe of Indians. They'll get all dolled up, and then they'll take off on the Walk of Dead Survivors, which is always a highlight, provided you like pretend respect. ["I call this moment 'Snack Time.'" -- Wing Chun]

The Canoe of Destiny carries the final three through the sunrise to the little stand of makeup and jewelry. As quasi-tribal music plays, the three of them put on their bracelets and necklaces and such. They paint themselves and tie on the sarongs and moon over how pretty they look. It's kind of like a bunch of girls getting ready for the eighth-grade dance. And then, it is time, indeed, for the Walk of Dead Survivors. First, Tina. None of them has anything to say about her. Or at least anything nice. We see her interview that she did it again because Survivor is "part of [her] being," frighteningly enough. I don't even want to know where it's attached. "Seventy-five years old," Rob mutters as they pass Rudy's torch. "If I were military, I'd salute you," Jenna says. She is a giant cheeseball. Rudy interviews that he was three years slower this time, and that there was lots of "cutthroat." Apparently, he was expecting more hugs, like there were in the Navy. Jenna Morasca tells us that she's already played and already won, and that she "fought through as much as [she] could." I'm not sure what the relevance of the fact that she's already won would be, but it's probably better for me not to think about it too hard.

Amber, Rob, and Jenna all laugh at Rob C.'s torch as he interviews that he feels kinda crappy about going out early, but suspects he was "a victim of [his] own success." Partly true. I think he's also something of a victim of his personality when he doesn't keep it carefully in check, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy buying him a beer, because I totally would. ["Huh. That is not what I would have expected." -- Wing Chun] We proceed to Hatch, who voices over that the game was much harder this time around than the first time. Sue refers to herself as "exempt from any energy or any emotion" in the game. And no, I don't know what she meant to say, exactly, but it wasn't "exempt," certainly, unless there's some kind of federal Energy and Emotion Program from which she received a waiver. Colby tells us that he "found patience." Well, that's good. He's still so pretty. Ethan says that the fact that he actually received votes -- which he reminds us he didn't in Australia -- was hard for him. He would be relieved, probably, to know that while it was hard for him, it was really fun for some of us. As they get to Jerri's torch, Amber says, "The reason why I'm out here is the reason why she's gone. Thanks, Jerri." Jerri says that she wasn't sure why she wanted to go through it again, but that it didn't break her. You'd think she was getting all healthy about it, wouldn't you? Yeah. Stay tuned.

Lex, of course, explains that his only mistake was in being someone's friend and being too nice, blah blah blah. He says he "allow[ed] a little too much compassion to show through." Sigh. Now take careful note of that -- if he were really upset about the friendship and not the game, then he would have said that he didn't make a mistake -- he would have said that he was proud of what he did, that he did the right thing, and that he'd do it again. This, on the other hand, says that he regrets losing the game by respecting the friendship, which is exactly what he is now saying Rob should have done. Lex really needs to narrow it down to at least one theory if he wants to keep this up. Which frankly, I sure wish he wouldn't.

Kathy says she relies on "trust and loyalty." She says that she may just be too good a person to win. Seriously, that's approximately what she says. Alicia says that this time, she tried to be less pushy and "eased back" in the challenges (heh, sure), which got her six days further. Shii Ann congratulates herself for lasting longer than Hatch, basically. She says that her loss came down to "bad luck with the numbers," which is BS, of course, but then, it is Shii Ann, after all. Big Tom says he didn't consider himself an All-Star, but that he's proud to be in the group. Amber says that she considers playing with Rupert "a huge honor." At the mention of the word "honor," a duck on a string falls from the sky. Rupert says that he came on the show "to take care of [him]self and everyone around [him], and [he] did." ["And why not, since it worked out so well for him the last time, not." -- Wing Chun] They replay his package-bouncing shot, and I just really didn't need to see that again. Anyway, thanks, Dead Survivors!

Amber says that walking past everyone's torches made her both proud and guilty. That's how I feel every time a recap posts, by the way. She calls herself "scared and nervous" about the ending to come.

It's time for the final immunity challenge. The final three approach a round pool where Jeff awaits. He explains that this predictable endurance challenge involves standing barefoot with one foot on each of two posts and one hand on the immunity idol. ["We've seen this before, a loooong time ago." -- Wing Chun] Can't touch the idol with your other hand. Can't take either foot off of its post. Last one standing wins immunity. They take their positions and...they're off. One of Rob's arms appears to be twitching early on, which is a little odd. The sun beats down. Thirty minutes in, Jeff notes that it's hot and not breezy. Rob tries to banter a little to break the monotony and suffering. One hour in, Jenna is asked what hurts the most, and she says she's just trying to find ways to shift positions without taking her foot off the post. How long can she go? Jeff wonders. "However long these two go," she says. "One minute after that." A bit later, she says, "I have a cramp," and laughs nervously. "Jenna has a cramp," Rob play-by-plays, doing his best Jeff imitation. Jenna massages her leg.

The cramp does not do Jenna in, however, because two hours into the game, they're all still there. Jeff notes that it is 108 degrees out. Jenna goes to shift her foot, and as she tries to slide it forward so that her heel instead of the ball of her foot is on the post, it momentarily pops about a half-inch off the post. Jeff catches her, and throws her out. You know, he's right, she did lift her foot. My problem with it, though, is that it's so extraordinarily minor that I'm not confident that everybody might not have done something similar at one point or another. It just seems like it would be purely fortuitous that Jeff would see it, you know? It's not unfair, but I can see how she thinks it sucks. I will also tell you that although I think this show doesn't set out to screw with the outcomes, I have absolutely zero doubt that they did not hope Jenna won this challenge. They wanted, I am certain, the Rob/Amber F2, not to mention the drama of one of them having to choose whether or not to take the other. So while I'm not suggesting that Jenna was intentionally hosed, I do suspect that she might have been watched a little more closely than the other two, because Jeff's not even going to see that unless he is sort of fixating on Jenna's foot at the moment it happens. Not a conspiracy theory, and not unfair, like I said, but I feel bad for her.

So...this is interesting. Boston Rob and Amber are the final two in the final challenge. In theory, either could give it to the other, right? Right? That should happen. One of them should just step down. No point in wearing yourself out. But...he doesn't. And...she doesn't. She tries to argue that he should give it to her, because he's had immunity a million times. Which...just, no, dear. Especially since you had it last. For a minute, Rob looks like he might give her immunity, but then they go back to talking about "I'm going to take you no matter what," and while they both say it...nobody quits. "Let's fight it out all the way," Rob finally says. "Damn you," Amber chuckles. Jeff tries to get to the bottom of why they're not able to reach a deal, and Rob says that throughout the entire game, they've given their all in every situation, and it doesn't seem right to stop at this point. He tells Jeff that they've never talked about what they'd do in this circumstance, and Amber warily protests that in fact, they did, although he might not remember it. Rob continues to have no recollection of this. He finally ends the conversation by saying that he's sure she wouldn't want him to hand it to her -- "You'd want to beat me," he smiles. "I just want to win, honestly," she says. "Well, you're gonna have to beat me, then," he says, and smiles at her mischievously.

Three hours in, the dramatic sun glare is worse than ever. Rob crouches down to change his position a little, and he says, "This is nice." Amber says she thought about doing that, but she doesn't think she can reach the idol. "You can reach," he assures her. As she goes to demonstrate that she can indeed reach, she -- you got it -- touches the idol with her other hand. I don't know that Rob specifically knew she was going to lose in that particular way, but I certainly believe that he was trying to throw off her concentration, knowing that any time you can get somebody to change her position or do anything or respond to anything you're saying, you have a chance that she'll screw up. These endurance challenges are often about concentration as much as endurance, so I give Rob full credit for taking her out of the Zen state in which you have to remain during one of those things. So it's Mariano with immunity going into the final tribal council, and he'll be picking the other person for F2. Amber and Jenna both give him hugs, and I think Jenna knows she was gambling on that challenge, and without that win, it ain't happening.

Tribal council. Jeff welcomes Rob and Amber, who take their seats. The jury is brought in. First up, they'll both get to make a statement, and then the jury will get to address them.

Rob starts with the fact that the thirty-nine days have been long and emotional. He says he knows that they're all undoubtedly "pissed off to be over there." As he talks, Alicia stares at him with a particularly hysterical, cat's-butt-mouthed sneer. She also spends this entire tribal council with her chest thrust forward in this very bizarre fashion, like she's got a stun gun pointed at her lower back or something. Anyway, Rob addresses the "situation" after the merge where he "made a promise to someone that [he] wasn't able to keep because of promises [he] made to some other people. In the end," he says, "that's where everything started to go south for [him]." He says he understands that things he did to the jury come back to haunt him, but that he hopes they'll try to keep in mind the way he played, and that he tried to do well for his team as well as himself. Especially, I would add, those parts of his team with smokin' asses.

Over to you, Amber. She opens with "Hi, guys." Brilliant! She blathers for a while about how different it is to play with people she knows, and she assures them that she certainly didn't originally intend to walk away with a boyfriend. She says that the reason she's sitting in the position she is comes down to "luck, all of [them] for not voting [her] off, and because of [her] alliance with Rob." She says she understands there are "sore feelings" on the jury, and that she's "satisfied" with what's come out of the game so far. Yeah...I'll give her some sore feelings.

And now, it's time for the jury to ask questions. Fasten your seatbelts and strap on your hip waders, people, because you're going to need them.

The first person to speak is, unfortunately, Lex. He and his Mohawk get up and say the following, which you really have to experience in its entirety, just on the off-chance that you missed it: "It's just a game. That's something we've probably all said a thousand times while we were out here. And I'm sure that for both of you, it was an excuse that helped wash away the guilt as you played the game the way that you played it. You know what? That phrase, 'it's just a game'? It's a big lie. It's not just a game." He turns to the rest of the jury, as if representing them. "For all of us out here, for all of you, it's life. And the line between game and life is not cut and dried. Life blurs into the game constantly. This game exposes who we are as people to the core. It's like truth serum. And I think the way you play this game is representative of the kind of person you are. The hardest lesson I learned out here was about friendship and betrayal. And I think the true measure of a man is what kind of friend he is. What kind of a friend are you, Rob? What kind of a friend were you to me? You asked me to do you a favor. Bro to bro. Friend to friend. And I did the only thing I could do, and that was to answer the call of a friend in need. You repaid that by putting a knife in my back." Here, Lex adopts a look of phony resignation. "As far as this game's concerned, I lost, and you both beat me. No sour grapes [sic], no bitterness [sic]. With all sincerity [sic], I congratulate both of you [sic] for making it to the final two. But as I see it, as good as your game was, you sold out your values, you sold out your character, and you sold out your friends for a stack of greenbacks. I hope it was worth it, because that money will never be enough to buy it all back."

Then, mercifully, the jury of nitwits (without the wits) has finished talking at last. Jeff notes that lots of things have been said about the way Rob and Amber played. This is where they get to make a case for themselves. Amber says that she expected the jury conversation to be difficult, and then she actually claims that she learned from all of the dumb-ass things the jury said to her, and that she'll be thinking real hard about all of it later. Yeah, I'm sure. I would have had so much more respect for her if she hadn't said that. Stop apologizing, Amber. Anyway, Amber says that all of her answers were honest. Good for you, dear.

Rob says he's sorry for breaking alliances and hurting friendships, which -- ack, again, don't apologize. He says he's not feeling much better than he thinks the jurors are feeling. He says that he played the game hard, but that he thinks it may have been nave to think that people on the jury would then feel okay about it. Which is probably true. This was pretty much Rob's fatal flaw in the game -- failure to predict what a bunch of whiny, self-righteous, hypocritical, diaper-wearing infants the majority of the jury was going to be. He says that the game got more personal than he thought it was going to, and then he's...oh, crying a little bit, which...just don't do that, Rob. It's only going to validate them. He says he had fun, and that he's sorry. Bleh.

Time to vote. Jenna goes first. She says she thinks Rob and Amber should both "step up and be proud" of what they did, because they beat everybody. She reveals her vote -- for Boston Rob. Alicia votes, and she gets all up in the camera's face, being way too satisfied with herself for keeping her "I will never write your name down" promise to Rob. If she had delivered that line with any subtlety at all, it would have been a little bit funny, but she does it with such a "SNAP! IN YOUR FACE!" thing going on that she essentially steps all over the potential for humor. I am shocked at the depth with which I came to despise some of these people, and some of them got much, much worse close to the end -- Alicia included. What an ass she came off as, just in these last couple of episodes. It's sad, because seriously, these people are done being famous. This is their last chance to make an impression, and this is the one Alicia wants to leave? Whatever.

Big Tom votes. "Rob, I thought of you as a brother," he says with great sadness. Because he wasn't at all going to roast Rob over a spit as soon as the merge happened. I'm not sure I'd want to be Big Tom's brother. Tom specifically says that as to voting Rob off, it "never once crossed [Tom's] mind." Which we now know to be a complete, unadulterated lie. Way to go, ass. I'm sure no one will ever find out about your pact with Lex. In fact, in his voting remarks, Tom has the nerve to suggest that when Rob finds out the truth, he'll call and apologize. Hm. I think somebody might need to do that, Big Tom, but I don't think it's going to be Rob.

Kathy votes for Rob, talking about how "friendship rules," so she wants him to have the million because she still loves their friendship. And because she has to prove that she's a good person. Better than anyone! Better than all of them!