Sorry...I Blew It

Previously on The Wiener And The Damage Done: Rupert continued trying to be King Fish Guy, only to find that the fish were not interested in being accomplices to his crazy scheme. Stupid uncooperative fish. Over at Mogo Mogo, however, the fish were more Zen about the whole thing, and were only too happy to hop aboard Lex's Food Chain Bullet Train and be shoved into the maws of the hungry tribe members. Shii Ann asked Colby to explain his objections to her inert strategy, and she was very offended when he responded to this by, of all things, explaining his objections to her inert strategy. At Chapera, Rob and Amber went out and formed an alliance with Rupert and Jenna, which seemed at this point a little like the Yankees going to a lot of trouble to obtain the backup catcher for the Montreal Expos. In more controversial news, the more Sue thought about Hatch rubbing his naked dick against her without her consent, the more she kind of thought she didn't like it. By the time she got to the reward challenge, she had concluded she really, really didn't like it, and she unleashed her full complement of rage. Despite the fact that Hatch had already been dispatched by Mogo Mogo, Sue was too far gone to go on, so she cashed in her chips and headed for home. Kathy thought the whole thing was kind of funny, but then later, she realized it wasn't funny at all, because Sue had been really, really unfair to Kathy by expressing her feelings like that. Feelings are for babies, as you know. The reward challenge went on as scheduled, and Mogo Mogo took home a meaty reward. The members of Chapera promised that they would all be best friends forever, even after camp, and they would totally write each other letters and come back summer. Nothing brings people together like gorp and lanyards. Who will be voted off tonight?

Credits. Oh, look. Contestants. I find that I don't miss anyone who's gone, and I don't care a lot about anyone who's left. It's really not a good sign.

Day 19 dawns at Mogo Mogo, and several birds wake up and try to pick the evil and unpleasantness from last week out of their feathers. You can almost hear them chirping, "Ew-ew-ew ew-ew-ew-ew." Kathy and Shii Ann discuss the sunrise and how pretty it is, which is supposed to convey to you that they never complain. They're just hanging out, enjoying the conditions. Because when you think "appreciation for the simple, lovely things of the universe," you probably think, "Shii Ann," don't you? Inside the shelter, Jerri yawns and stretches as she wakes up. She grimaces and says to Lex that her back hurts. Shii Ann gives Kathy this look like, "I cannot believe she said that." Jerri comments to Lex that the bugs were biting pretty badly in the night. Shii Ann turns to Kathy and whispers, "She just bitches all day long." And the evidence is pretty overwhelming, provided that by "all day long," you mean "for the first thirty seconds after she first wakes up." Shii Ann continues: "I know every single thought in her brain because it's coming out of her mouth." So sayeth Shii Ann, queen of choosing her words carefully. In an interview, Shii Ann complains about Jerri's saying that she couldn't sleep the night on the "rack" floor of the shelter, and if she's talking about what we just saw Jerri saying, she was first of all talking to Lex, who appears to be her friend, meaning that it's really none of Shii Ann's damn buttinsky business what she was saying. If you don't want to hear people talk to their friends, you could try, I don't know, not eavesdropping. I know it seems crazy, but it might work. Furthermore, I hardly think your general obligation to keep a positive attitude means that if you get twisted into a pretzel overnight and wake up with a wretched backache, you're not allowed to turn to a friend and say, "Ow." Kathy interviews that Jerri "doesn't have a huge work ethic." "A huge work ethic"? Like a work ethic that's seven feet tall? Whatever. Kathy is working the rather unusual combination, by the way, of a pink swimsuit and an orange knit cap, so I would say that Kathy, among other things, doesn't have a huge fashion sense. She goes on to complain in her interview that Jerri is "the bad seed" on the team. She then corrects this to "an annoying seed." Kathy sure is showing off the eloquence with which she is fast becoming associated. "I know [Jerri] drives Colby up the ying-yang," she finishes, meaning that every single damn thing she said in that interview officially made not one lick of sense, either grammatically or logically. "Huge work ethic," "annoying seed," and "driven up the ying-yang," all in one interview. Nice.

Colby now interviews that Jerri hasn't changed "one iota" from the last time she played. And the fact that he seems to really think that is how you can tell that she never had a chance with him at all, because they've shown nothing to suggest that she's been anything like the kind of obnoxious, pushy know-it-all that she was last time. In fact, she seems to have gone to quite a lot of trouble to try not to act that way, not that I'd expect Colby to notice or give credit. He bitches for quite a good stretch about how much he doesn't like her, and then he goes for the often-attempted but never-successful maneuver in which you try to be better than someone else while simultaneously proving that you are utterly in the grip of your dislike of her. "I really just let it roll off my back," he says, "and maybe it's because I know that Jerri's not going to win this game." Yeah. That must be why you're so at peace with the whole thing. When will these people learn that the way to prove to people that they're beneath your attention is to pay no attention to them?

Out in the water, as Kathy washes her hair, she laughs to Shii Ann in a snooty southern accent, "I swe-ah, that woman is such a bitch!" And she and Shii Ann laugh hysterically. As Jerri proves what a horrible bitch she is by, you know, walking on the beach. After recapping about a zillion hours of reality shows, I have finally realized that there is one quality that annoys me in contestants like no other: self-satisfaction. Part of the reason for that is that self-satisfaction is inherently humorless, because when you're being that completely pleased with yourself, you have no capacity for bafflement, and if you have no capacity for bafflement, then you, by definition, have no sense of humor. As if this isn't irritation enough, Kathy adds to it by giggling, "Ah love slam-dunkin' people!" She needs to shut up. A lot. As soon as possible. Did I used to like her? That seems like an awfully long time ago.

At camp, Jerri wanders around while she voices over that she knows she doesn't have any allies at Mogo Mogo. She adds that despite the constant threat, she feels okay, because she feels like she's constantly underestimated, which is "right where [she] wanted to be." She says she wants to be "the non-threatening, Zenlike, easygoing Jerri who's here to have fun." I think it's really funny that she thinks it's so obvious that her behavior is completely different, while Colby thinks it's so obvious that her behavior is exactly the same. She ends with "I say bring it on. Let's go. Game on." And if I never hear anyone say "game on" again, it will be too soon.

At Chapera, the beach is hit by a wave that almost knocks over a bunch of little birds who have to run up the sand like seventh-grade girls trying not to get wet at a pool party. Rob and Amber retrieve some treemail, which includes a small puzzle. The puzzle, when assembled, indicates that what's coming up is actually an immunity challenge. They say "game on" also, which means that at least there is balance in the universe, even if there is no justice. When they get back to camp and read the clue to the rest of the team, everyone agrees that it actually sounds like it might be an individual immunity challenge, which gets them thinking about a possible merge again. Rupert claims that if it's a swimming challenge, they'll have the advantage because Ethan will be the best diver Mogo Mogo has. Jenna observes, quite correctly, that Ethan "freaks out on challenges." Yes, that would be Ethan, the bucket thrower. Rupert interviews that before the challenge, he was working on "pounding" into the team the fact that if they got behind, they needed to keep going. I don't suppose Rupert would be likely to observe that Chapera was winning challenges quite handily before he ever got there, and that they don't so much seem to need advice from him on strategy. Ask yourself, why would any of these people care what Rupert thinks?

Ignoring one of the first things their mothers taught them, assuming their mothers are all old wives, they all decide to go swimming right after they eat. The little cove has a waterfall and genuinely gorgeous green water. Amber marvels in an interview at how perfect it is. One by one, they dive off a short cliff into the water, as the music becomes more rapturous. We watch Chapera play and frolic and swim in the cove. Kathy interviews: "The Chapera crowd...you know what they've got that we don't have? Is they're having fun. They're enjoying the game. And I knew it was lacking with my Mogo Mogo tribe. I wasn't having fun, it's just been work-work-work, and yet Chapera's having a great time. I mean, they're dancing, they've got silly little songs." She talks about how this day away from camp got her thinking about "other options." She smugly says that there's no way she's going to tell her tribe that she fit in with Chapera so well. Wait, you mean she's going to pretend that she had a terrible time on the yacht? Wow, I'm sure they'll never catch on to that tricky scheme or to the possibility that she would be covering up an alliance with Chapera. Nor is it possible that the fitting in part is the result of Chapera manipulating the crap out of her.

After the commercials, we return to Mogo Mogo, where a bird is wandering on the beach and a lizard is trying to eat what I'm pretty sure is not, despite appearances, a Brussels sprout. A crab is teaching a tai chi class that is sadly attended by only one other crab, but the sole attendee is very obedient, and when the instructor crab waves her claw, the attendee waves her claw back. Feel the burn! At camp, Shii Ann holds up a coconut and asks Ethan if he would eat it, given that she thinks it's rotten. He says he would, if she cooks it. Jerri interviews, a little disjointedly, that "everyone is on edge, regardless of whether people want to act like they're happy to see each other," which sounds like it would be from early in the game, doesn't it?

At camp, Jerri comes up and picks up part of the coconut Shii Ann is working on and asks what's in it. Shii Ann says that's the one she's going to "saut," and then we see a Shii Ann interview in which she complains that Jerri is "rubbing [her] the wrong way." And what's her complaint? That Jerri is "only willing to do the chores you're already doing." I have to say, of all the accusations of laziness I've ever heard, that's one of the most bizarre and hard to understand. I think what we see is that Jerri brings back the coconut half that she just took from Shii Ann, and Shii Ann has moved to another task, so Jerri offers her the coconut back and says that she'll take the new task if Shii Ann wants to finish the coconut instead, which seems totally reasonable and accommodating to me, but it offends Shii Ann for some reason. Shii Ann then interviews that she was going to "put some of the rotting coconut into the pot, and [Jerri] snapped at [her]." What happens, however, is that Jerri says, quite matter-of-factly and not snappishly at all, "I don't want any of the rotten stuff." Considering that Shii Ann just asked Ethan whether he would or wouldn't eat the rotten coconut, I don't see how she can be so pissy about Jerri's not wanting to eat it, but she is. Apparently if Ethan says it's fit to eat, Jerri has no right to decline. Shii Ann turns to Jerri and says, "Okay, well, I don't really care. I'm just trying to make sure people get what they want." Oh. Good one. Jerri -- trying (I believe) not to get into a fight about it, and now working on a different coconut on her own because she doesn't want to eat the rotten one -- says to Shii Ann, "Shii Ann, I can do this, so." And that's all she says. And she doesn't snap then, either. Call me a nut, but Jerri appeared to be totally reasonable to me in that scene, just saying that she didn't want to eat a rotten coconut, so she was happy to chop a non-rotten one up for herself, and Shii Ann is so bent on hating Jerri -- and, I have to say, bent on being such a suck-up to the men in some ways -- that she is taking the position that this behavior from Jerri is some kind of a princess maneuver. As long as you're willing to chop your own damn coconut, I don't see why turning down the rotten one is such a damn big deal, but to Shii Ann, it is.

Ethan interviews that he knows Shii Ann is "fed up" with Jerri and "can't wait to vote her off." Colby, in turn, interviews that "there's no difference between Jerri and Shii Ann." Well, except that Jerri works her ass off in every single challenge and Shii Ann is nothing but dead weight every single time, I suppose. And the fact that Shii Ann is picking fights while Jerri seems to be making a genuine effort to stay out of them. "Shii Ann annoys me as much if not more than Jerri does," he says, and you know how much more of a bitch Shii Ann is being for him to admit that, considering the obvious bad blood that continues between him and Jerri. He says that if it came down to "personal irritation," he'd have "a tough time deciding" between the two of them.

On the Chapera yacht, the guy comes out to take drink orders, and Kathy does the only worthwhile thing I've seen from her in about three episodes when she orders a margarita. At least she has good judgment about one thing. Shortly thereafter, a guy emerges from the cabin with golf clubs and a bucket of balls that are "environmentally friendly" and can be hit off the back of the boat into the water. Rob explains that he was "on the state championship golf team at [his] high school." He then lines up a shot on a little tee-less piece of turf they've set up. He winds up. He swings. It looks like good form at first, but although he does connect with the ball, his feet then slide across the turf, fly out from under him, and land him directly on his ass. It is an epic wipeout, people. Tom then decides to try, but he's not doing so well, either. He can barely stay up on the little turf platform. There are a lot of very bad golf swings that follow. Jenna can't connect with the ball at all, which I have to say is precisely what would happen to me. Ultimately, Rob winds up for a particularly gargantuan swing, and the club flies right out of his hands and into the ocean. Oops. He laughs and looks embarrassed. As he should. It's a sort of a nice smile he's got, even though he would use it to steal your last dollar, and I sure wish he didn't stink it up with the sleazestache.

The anchor comes up, and we're off again. Rupert is up at the bow all Titanic and everything, although he already thinks he's king of the world, so I don't know what he expects to learn up there. Big Tom takes a shot at fishing off the side of the boat, saying that he just wants to catch one so he can beat Rupert on this one day. The women sit around together, with Amber talking to Kathy about the fact that Mogo Mogo is probably getting ready to leave for tribal council. Alicia sums Kathy up fairly simply, just saying that she's "tough" and "wants to get as far in this game as she can." Alicia says that Kathy may be "the perfect person to try to pull over." Alicia also explains that Kathy was fairly forthcoming with information about who was voting with whom on Mogo Mogo, and we see Kathy explain that she votes with Lex and Shii Ann votes with them. Alicia says, however, that she doesn't know that everything Kathy is telling them is entirely true, nor would she expect it would be. See? I love that kind of unemotional, unsentimental approach. Alicia just doesn't take scheming and maneuvering personally, it appears. And that, unlike the behavior of a lot of self-appointed Game Masters, is game play. However, Alicia also understands that Kathy may be telling the truth, because she's looking forward and seeing her tribe down by a member and anticipating the need to "save her ass."

Big Tom relaxes to his fishing pole. He explains that he never did catch anything, meaning that Rupert has caught more fish in a day using a stick than Tom did on a luxury yacht with fishing poles. He also interviews from his fishing position that Kathy is falling into the Chapera "trap," because the women are working her over as we speak. Merry music takes us out as we watch the women of Chapera bond with Kathy.

Mogo Mogo. Ethan interviews that he doesn't feel secure in his position at all. He refers to himself as "a jumbled puzzle," which seems a little bit overly cute and quasi-poetic to me, but whatever. It's better than calling yourself a goober set adrift in a sea of your own ineptitude. He says he feels that there might be a way out, and then we see him relaxing inside the shelter with Colby, saying that he thinks they need to go after Jerri. Colby is all over this idea. "I already have my speech prepared for writing her name down," he says. They laugh, because smugness is funny. Ethan interviews that he's been pushing to get Jerri out since the beginning, and because she's "getting on [their] nerves," it was easy to get others to go along. Colby grins inside the shelter that he's going to tell Jerri she's going, just to apparently rub in the fact that "she can't do anything about it." Nice. "We gotta talk to Lex," Colby says. "I don't think there's any question with him." And then Colby gives perhaps the most karma-tempting, snotty speech of the season thus far: "I think our decision was made when Jerri Manthey came on board. I mean, that's the one we want to get rid of. That's just the effect she has on people." He scratches his ear in his interview and says with smug (wait for it) self-satisfaction, "I don't know that this game is a game that's meant for Jerri Manthey to play." And he snort-laughs and flashes his teeth. They're nice teeth, but he's being a total gratuitous asshole at this particular moment, and that's not necessary. And even your teeth cannot save you when you go too far in that direction.

Colby asks Lex if he's cool with booting Jerri. Lex says, "Yeah." He interviews, however, that the game will punish you for being unwilling to take risks. He says that he had made a conscious choice to change his strategy from Africa, and to be much more willing to make tough calls and screw his friends as necessary, pretty much. And good for him. He asks Jerri to go for a walk, interviewing that he discovered that he was "at the doorway of an opportunity." He and Jerri have a chat, and he tells her about Colby and Ethan's plan to get rid of her. She is not shocked. He tells her that Colby and Ethan think that he and Shii Ann are with them. "But that's not going to happen," he tells her. "We're gonna do Colby tonight," he says. (Hee hee, "do Colby." That is your Moment of Being Twelve for the evening.) Obviously, Jerri is happy about this for any number of reasons, ranging from the saving of her own ass to the roasting of a guy who's obviously pretty determined to look down his nose at her, no matter what she does. Lex doesn't really need to explain the decision to get Jerri on board, but he does anyway, saying that he thinks they're "just on the eve of a merge," and that once they get there, Colby the Immunity Monster simply cannot be allowed to remain. Jerri needs no convincing. Lex says that this is going to come as quite a surprise to Colby. Jerri knows. Lex and Jerri share a hug.

Jerri interviews that she's nervous about what's to come, but that she hopes everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to and Colby will go. Lex tells Jerri that Colby and Ethan think he's currently taking her aside to wrongly tell her that they're booting Ethan. Hee hee. Tactical error by Colby and Ethan, in my opinion. They should have made sure they kept control of the situation by talking to Jerri themselves. Sending Lex into a private conversation with her? Very, very foolish. In her interview, Jerri lets the bitterness and resentment wash over her, saying that she had a specific goal to last longer than Colby, and that's what she hopes this is going to accomplish. "If it took losing today to get him out of here, I'm totally fine with it," she says with a shrug. Back in the chat of deception and intrigue, Lex says that he knows that he and Jerri are solid, but that he knows they have to cross their fingers on Shii Ann. He points out, quite rightly, that Shii Ann will be far, far better off going with him and Jerri than trying to be kept around by Colby and Ethan. I mean, neither of those subgroups will keep her for very long, but if she were to go with the Lex/Colby/Ethan Jerri-booting, she would be to go, I think, without question. This way, she dumps Colby and leaves probably two people (Jerri and Ethan) between herself and the boot, it seems to me.

Now, Lex has to talk to Shii Ann. He tells her that this is "a cusp moment." Ooh, nice choice of words. I was sure he'd just say "huge." He tells her that if they pull this off, they'll be in good shape. She interviews that she feels "trouble brewing" within the tribe. I am so tired of her, seriously. She describes how Lex approached her and asked her to vote out Colby. She says, though, that "Jerri is so lazy" and annoys Shii Ann around camp, so she's really torn. She also whines that Kathy is off with Chapera and can't tell her what to do, so she's basically reaffirming exactly what Colby said about her last week, which is that up until this point, she hasn't had to think for herself at all. Shii Ann is thinking real hard as we go to commercial. I think she's going to need more time than a commercial will allow if she's going to suddenly invent a plan. I'm really not sure why it's so hard for Shii Ann to figure out what Kathy would want her to do, considering that when Hatch got booted, Kathy was right on the edge of booting Colby instead. So it seems fairly obvious that were Kathy around, she would tell Shii Ann to go with Lex, but I think it's very hard for Shii Ann to give up the idea of booting Jerri, upon the disliking of whom she has finally germinated a teeny weeny social life.

When we return, Chapera is enjoying the sunset aboard the yacht. Rupert and Jenna are snoozing inside, while the rest continue to play outside. Tom and Kathy are even dancing. Ay yi yi. Rob points out that Tom just said he missed his goats. "Cut him off!" Rob hollers. "No more booze for this man!" Hee. Just then, a guy comes to bring them some champagne for the sunset. Amber describes this as "a perfect, perfect moment." They have a toast, and they all adore each other, and it's really pretty out. Today, the love. Tomorrow, the filleting of the unwary.