United We Stand, Divided We...?

Previously on Irritating People And The Marine Life They Try In Vain To Outwit: Osten was a whiny game-quitter. Sandra was a dirty tarp-stealer. Shawn was a bumbling spear-loser. Rupert was a psycho teammate-berater. Andrew was an egotistical leadership-lacker. Ryan S. was a pitiful challenge-choker. Tijuana was a grating Osten-booster. Ryan-O was an inadvertent censor-defier. Peachy was a snide Morgan-taunter. In the end, Ryan S. was the unfortunate shame-walker.

Credits. Best part of the credits? All the castaways' pictures stuffed into the cheekbone of a skull. I love it when the dead feed upon the photographic evidence of the flesh of the living.

Camp of the Damned, Day Seven. Crabs wander around on a rock, wondering whether they can get to the good camp from here. Lill drags herself unhappily up the beach, hauling a big...dinosaur femur or something. Back by the fire, one of the guys is trying to cook the grunge off his feet. You know, with people doing alluring stuff like that, it's a wonder there isn't more sex on this show. I mean, how could you not want a guy who roasts his dirty feet over the fire while you're making dinner? I think there's actually a verse about that in "Isn't It Romantic?" Anyway, in general team-related matters, Andrew offers the following incisive opening commentary: "We only have six tribemates left. I keep looking around for two more. It's kind of strange." Yeah, math is hard! I was waiting for the shot here of him counting on his fingers, by the way, but it was not forthcoming. Lill sits with her hand over her eyes as Andrew continues yapping, noting that morale is low. He really is a great leader, because not everyone could offer that pin-sharp analysis of his tribe's state of mind. Andrew really can read people. I think he might be a genius. He goes on to offer this equally keen insight: "We need a victory." Man, all this pirate crap, and they can't pop for a parrot to flutter around going, "Fat chance, fat chance, awk awk!" at a moment like that? What a missed opportunity. Cheapskates.

Lill is still sitting on the beach with her head down, and now she appears to be muttering her prayers. Either that, or the Boy Scout pledge. She says she's praying for her husband, her troop, and her "new friend, Ryan." This makes her get all teary, and it makes the music guy throw in a tinkly little flourish. Of course, Ryan S. was kind of a screw-up, but I think he was indeed the only person who was any kind of nice to Lill at all, so I don't blame her for being pretty bummed. In a beachside interview, she confirms that tribal council made her gloomy, and that she voted for Osten because he was a big fat quitter. We watch Osten lie with his buff covering his eyes as Lill points out the self-evident fact that Osten lacks heart when it comes to the game. She explains that she and her comically misshapen hat are just doing the best they can to stay in the game as long as possible. Apparently, the time without sleep has given Lill a lot of time to stare at the metaphorical wall and read all the writing on it. She expresses hope that she might at least have a chance at outlasting Darrah, who is snoozing in the shelter as Lill works around the camp. Because what is Survivor voting based on, if not around-the-camp work ethic? Yeah, if you need me, I'll be over here with Lill in the Land Where Reality Show Success Is Merit-Based. It's not that crowded; in fact, the entire population is having a game of four-square later, and we need two more people.

In a conversation that is imported from much later in the episode (as this entire sequence seems to be), Andrew asks Lill if she really doesn't think that Darrah is strong in challenges. "She's a hundred and two pounds," Lill remarks, leaving it at that. Andrew clarifies that he's talking about endurance and stamina, and Lill half-heartedly goes along with the highly questionable proposition that Darrah can legitimately claim that much. Lill once again mentions to Andrew her frustration at Osten's quitting. Andrew sticks up for Osten, of course, maintaining that Osten didn't really quit, but just talked about it a lot. I would again lobby for a rule providing that if you say you want to quit, they should drop down in a helicopter and haul your ass away in a burlap bag, because listening to people yap about quitting is just about the most uninteresting thing ever, aside from listening to a bunch of girls sitting around talking about how pretty their implants are. In an interview, Andrew insists that in spite of Osten's weenie little threats about quitting, he's still their best physical asset, so they couldn't very well afford to have him go. Osten is seen sitting on the beach, posing with burly limbs splayed, being all I-am-a-physical-asset. Osten now interviews perceptively that Morgan isn't winning any challenges right now, but that he's just going to use that as "motivation." He also says that now he's not doing the whole quitting thing after all, because he talked it over with God. And God totally told him not to quit, because God cares deeply about who wins Survivor.

In an early signal of one of the more annoying developments of late, we hear Andrew call Osten "OT" during a conversation with Tijuana about how they need to get the aforementioned OT all "fired up" for the challenge. As Osten and his sagging shorts do something with a pole and some water, Andrew explains to us that every tribe member has to "check his mental infirmities at the door." Too bad Andrew forgot to leave his ego in the old drop box, huh? He also says that everyone has to "suck it up." You know, for a guy who is such an up-sucking devotee, it's interesting that he has no problem with Osten's complete failure to suck up anything except oxygen badly needed by others. Andrew closes with a vow to help Osten become the "awesome, larger-than-life individual he was when he set foot on this beach." Wow. If you see my eyeballs, please send them to me. (Snail-mail only!) They rolled right out of my head when Andrew said that, and I've been looking for them ever since. By the way, I don't read a lot of the CBS online stuff, but I did recently get to read Andrew's background material, and if you needed any more reasons to hate him, note that he has said that he admires Nelson Mandela for having "outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted a troubled nation." No, really. NO, REALLY. Just thought I'd throw another log on the fire of smoldering hate. Burn, Andrew, burn! ["It's always amusing when you come across a really dumb guy who thinks he's really, really smart. Also, Miss Alli, I think I may know part of why Andrew bugs you so much: he reminds you of Roddy." -- Wing Chun]

Cheery lute-like music takes us back to Camp Drake, a.k.a. Happytown, where we actually open on Big Dolphin and Baby Dolphin skimming through the water side by side. Could things be any more idyllic over at Happytown? Where are the cartoon bluebirds alighting on the shoulders of the participants? Where are the giant rattan baskets of fruit and cream? Where are the dancing girls? Anyway, Drake is eating breakfast while discussing whether to take a trip out in the boat to look for the buried treasure. Rupert is hoping for a big bottle of rum. Yo-ho-ho and all that. Burton explains to us that the map/clue to the treasure chest makes reference to leaving at the right time, so they're all thinking that means low tide, which is "the only way time affects things around here." Accordingly, most of Drake goes off in the boat at low tide to treasure-hunt. Michelle explains that they went out in search of landmarks, but the more they looked around, the more places they found where something could be hidden. As we see a lot of what looks like rather random digging, Trish interviews that she wants to find the treasure very badly. She says that it's very frustrating to know that they might be missing out on "warm clothes or junk food." Aw. I've certainly been comforted by a flannel shirt and a Hershey bar on occasion, so I get that. A high, wide, very pretty shot of Shawn standing on a flat expanse of rock demonstrates just how unlikely it is that they're going to find this thing before the show is good and ready to have them find it, which presumably isn't until they get the third clue.

The members of Drake do a lot of digging, nevertheless, with very little to go on. Rupert complains in an interview that the "tribe went out half-cocked." He continues down the road of taking the pirate thing just a little too seriously as he says that "pirates were not idiots," so obviously the treasure won't be buried in the sand, because it might wash back up. I'm wondering whether Rupert is as tuned-in as he should be to the fact that the pirate thing really is just a gimmick. The producers aren't real pirates or anything like that. He's beginning to creep me out. Anyway, Drake finally gives up the futile search and returns to camp. Boy, that was riveting television. Interestingly, that little bit of nothing is one of the few times you're going to see Drake at all this week, so take in all you can.

Camp of the Damned. Tijuana is retrieving another piece of "treemail." She happily chirps out the crappy rhyming clue, which has something to do with floating and sinking and boats and blah dee blah. I can't understand why they always construct the doggerel so badly that all the sentences have to be rearranged like they've been run through an English-to-Yoda translator. Has there ever been a piece of treemail that didn't involve writing a sentence backwards in that "If want [good result] you do, then the [direct object] you must [verb], else [bad result] is sure to follow" fashion? The team has a little discussion about the fact that if they don't win, Drake is going to take one of the two or three things they have left. Also, they're excited that the clue makes it sound like the reward might include sleeping gear, which would come in handy, considering that they have apparently still not managed to get the shelter into a condition in which people can actually sleep. That is insane. The life of a survivor is just not that busy. It's not like they have to go grocery shopping and return books to the library. There is no way they should have gone six nights without getting the sleeping quarters into a reasonable semblance of shape. They suck. And as they say, a fish rots from the head down, Andrew.

Over at Drake, they're having a discussion about who's going to sit out the challenge. They're up two on the Tribe of the Damned, so they'll have to sit out two people for the challenge. Jon is lecturing to the tribe that if the challenge is physical, he'll sit out, but if it's not, he won't. I guess he doesn't want to deprive them of the use of his giant, pulsating brain and its accumulated wisdom. That's a relief to the team, I'm sure. Unwisely, he decides to tangle with Sandra, declaring that if the challenge has swimming in it, she isn't such a strong swimmer and should sit out. Note that it's not Sandra's turn -- she sat out a challenge last week. So he's specifically plucking her out to pick on. Sandra -- irritated but not speaking particularly loudly -- asks Jon why he thinks he's a better swimmer than she is. Jon and Sandra get into a silly spat over who did a better job swimming from the boat to shore on the very first day. She opines in an interview that Idiot Jon goes after other people in situations like this because he's sensitive about the fact that he's actually the weakest person in the entire tribe. Probably so. At any rate, Jon eventually escalates the argument with some yelling and swearing, which Sandra does not appreciate, and that's when it degenerates into a full-on shouting match. Jon walks away, apparently being one of those guys who's unable to deal with chicks who don't shut up when you yell "fuck" at them really loudly. (Hint to Jon: You might start with a chick who doesn't have a history in the military, nitwit.) "I walked away because she can argue all day long; that's because she's foolish," Idiot Jon fibs condescendingly in an interview. Wow, Beavis is calling Sandra foolish. I'm sure that cuts her to the bone. "Screw Jon, 'cause he's an ass," Sandra interviews calmly. Heh. "Her days are numbered," Jon returns menacingly in a voice-over. "We have bigger threats to get rid of first, but she's not one of the final four." Now he giggles and interviews that he's got "a mil that says she won't be the final one." You know, if you're going to try to be a bad-ass, you could at least learn to make threats without sounding like you're in seventh grade and you're threatening the head of the chess club with a killer wedgie.

Snapping Duck Bay, home of the first all-duck production of West Side Story. The teams row up to the field of play for the reward challenge. In this game, each team will put three people into each of two boats. The boats will battle, trying to sink each other. Each boat has some corks plugging up holes in the sides, and the corks can be pulled out using an assigned grappling hook. You can also use the hook to pull boats to you, or to push them down in the water to make them sink faster. ["Or you can use the hook to gouge out one of the opposing tribemates' eyes out. Doesn't that seem like a liability issue?" -- Wing Chun] Each boat also gets a bucket that you can use to bail water out of your boat, or to throw it in the other team's boat. Peachy unveils the reward, which is, as expected, a pile of pillows and blankets. Also, there will, of course, be a piece of the buried-treasure map as well as the opportunity to loot the other tribe.

Peachy now asks who's going to sit out for Drake, and he's told that Jon and Michelle will be the chosen ones. The team members now arrange themselves in the little boats. Ryan-O, Osten, Rupert, and the Best Buds (Shawn and Burton) are each taking charge of a boat, with the chicks and Andrew scattered among the boats. I say that only because that's the way they shoot and present the thing. The first notable event once the boats get tangling with each other is that Osten almost falls out of (and sinks) his own boat. Nice. Trish manages to pull a plug out of one of the Morgan boats. Osten pulls a plug from the Rupert boat. What Osten, Lill, and Tijuana don't seem to realize is that once your boat gets a couple of plugs pulled, it's mostly a race against time to keep your boat afloat as long as possible, and one of the things you want to do here is keep your boat as level in the water as you can, which minimizes the water coming in. Osten instead positions himself in the corner of his boat, and Lill winds up near him, so they've got the corner of the boat pushed so far down in the water that they're basically sinking themselves. Once Osten gets his boat backed away from everyone and his group once again gets the boat more level in the water, things start to look up for them. Elsewhere, Rupert works on pushing the Ryan-O boat down with the hook.

Osten continues to miss the point completely, and he stands up in the very corner of his boat in order to push down on the Best Bud Boat with the hook. This causes his boat to dip below the surface again and start to fill rapidly with water. The S.S. Osten quickly sinks, leaving the two Drake boats to once again gang up on the Ryan-O boat. I want to point out here that Rupert is, as usual, relying entirely on what a stud he is by pushing down with the hook, which doesn't look like it works very well. The Ryan-O boat seems pretty unaffected by Rupert's pushing, and only gets in trouble when there are two boats ganging up on them. What actually happens is that Ryan-O gets himself standing up (not smart), and Andrew gets himself cornered on the side of the boat that's to the Best Bud Boat, and specifically, to Sandra. Ryan-O and Andrew start to tip the boat over in that direction, and Sandra capitalizes by pushing down on that side of the boat with the paddle. In an overzealous effort to keep the boat balanced, freaking Andrew leaps over to the other side of the boat so fast that he makes Ryan-O trip and tumble over to that side of the boat as well. When Ryan-O and Andrew hit the same side of the boat at the same time, that throws that entire side of the boat (the Rupert-boat side) underwater, and once that happens, the boat sinks quickly. Up until that point, Rupert's approach wasn't working, because he was determined to just try to force the boat underwater, which you really can't do, because you just can't apply very much force unless you stand up, and if you stand up, you sink yourself. Oh, and Darrah was also throwing buckets of water when she should have been bailing. So in the end, Drake did win this challenge, but mostly because Osten the Physical Asset and Andrew the Rotting Fish Head are stupid. Anyway, Peachy calls the challenge for Drake, giving that tribe four in a row. Trish raises her arms in victory. Jon and Michelle happily dive into the water to help their team celebrate the victory they had nothing to do with. Peachy reminds Drake that they will be getting the pillows and stuff, and that they will be sending somebody to collect from the very nearly judgment-proof Camp of the Damned. The members of Morgan look around miserably. Rupert pumps his fist, of course. Trish triumphantly raises her arms again. Or else they just show it again.

Happyland. Drake is sitting around pondering their now two-part treasure map. Jon wants to go looking, but Burton reminds him that they decided the night before that that was the last thing on their list of priorities. "Well, yeah, but we got everything else done," Jon gloats. Hate him. Christa brings up the fact that they still have to talk about going over to Morgan to pillage. They decide that Christa should be the one to go and do the looting. The tribe has a little chat about the report Sandra brought back, that Morgan only has one water pot that it uses for cooking and bringing water and such. A debate ensues over whether it's ethical to take it. If Morgan can't boil water, then they can't drink.

This debate is so odd, because I hate Morgan, and normally I hate piety in reality shows, and normally I hate debates about what's ethical to do or not to do, because it's a game, and it's about winning, and so forth. On the other hand, I think if I had been in on this discussion, I would have argued against taking the pot if they really only had one. There's a line somewhere, and if the line is whether you really want to win because the other team literally cannot continue without their health being endangered, I wouldn't want to go that route. It's one thing to gain an advantage, but I would worry if it were me that they'd wind up drinking non-boiled water and getting sick or something. And that's not how I'd want to win. Call it an attack of inappropriate compassion, but...no. I don't judge them for doing it; I just think I wouldn't. I think what I would actually do is come up with some non-compassion-based reason not to take the water pot, like a fear that they would hate you so much for taking it when you got as far as a merge that it isn't worth it or something. I don't think I'd be able to take the only water pot. I know, I know...I would be a very poor pirate.

Anyway, Burton explains (quite rightly) that if they don't take the Morgan pot, and then Morgan comes and takes Drake's pot, then they'll be screwed. Good point, that. Burton's confusing me! Stop making good points, Muscles! "Really, we're taking away their life," Christa says with a nervous laugh. Well...no, but I see her point. In an interview, Rupert says that he'd feel terrible, but after all, they are pirates. And this is where I say yet again...no. They're not pirates. Rupert is coming unhinged. Anyway, he's pro-pot-stealing. Jon adds that Morgan would do the same to them. Eh. That's not a great argument.

The S.S. Booty-Looter carries Christa over to the Camp of the Damned, where Ryan-O is working on constructing some kind of dragnet so that they can get some fish. I don't think he has the foggiest idea what he's doing, but at least he's trying something, which is more than certain other people who are named Osten and Andrew. Ryan-O earns a small helping of love by pointing out that apparently, in order to survive, he has to turn into MacGyver. Dude, MacGyver was awesome. He would have rigged up a volleyball net and a jetski by now, and it all would have been environmentally-friendly and absolutely infuriating to the Russians. Andrew wanders up and tells Ryan-O that he's afraid that Drake will make off with their precious net, so he suggests that they bunch it up "like a useless old net" and then "stick it in the dinghy." I've got something for you to stick in the dinghy, you dink. After all, a useless old net is exactly what it is, not that the Wrong-Way Ranger would notice that fact.

Peachy asks Darrah what's uncomfortable for her about the conditions. She says she doesn't know anything about building a faaaaahre. "I'm not good at fires; that's Lill's job," she says without shame, as Lill offers a rueful scout salute that's just a little too much. Darrah congratulates herself for giving "one hundred ten percent" in challenges. Well, at least those in which she does anything. She praises herself over all the dangling again. Peachy then turns to Lill and asks her how she feels about her place in the tribe. She says she was so proud when Andrew praised her work ethic (bleeeeh), and she hopes people will take that into account when they vote. Yeah. Anyway, Peachy tells them it's time to vote.

Ryan-O votes. Darrah votes for Lill, looking into the camera and saying, "You're a great woman, a hard worker, and you contributed well to our camp." She should really have followed that up with "I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better -- have a great summer!!!!!" Osten votes, still wearing what look to be scraps of Andrew's suit vest. Classy. Lill votes for Darrah, saying she's kind of like a "Mississippi belle -- you're fragile and you know very few skills." HA! Nice. "No hard feelings, honey," she finishes. Tijuana votes. Andrew votes, and while we don't see his vote, we hear him say, "This is totally based upon a strategy. We'll see if it works."

Peachy goes off to tally. When he returns, we find that Lill has been booted, five votes to one. Peachy calls her up to be snuffed, and her torch actually refuses to go out the first time. You know, there's an old urban legend that if you were being hanged and it didn't work the first time, they had to let you go. Lill is the recipient of no such bizarre justice, and she is re-snuffed. Bye, Lill.

I have to say, that is one of the most overtly social, dumb-ass bootings I've ever seen. I firmly believe that Darrah was kept because Andrew's alliance of nitwits would rather hang around with a pretty little thing than an older lady. I think that's all there was to it. If Andrew really thinks that he's got that alliance of four firmly down, then it made no difference strategically, and there's no way Darrah is reliably better for challenges, and she does squat around camp. That was just a bunch of petty, shallow punks keeping the person they thought was cooler. You can do that if you want, but again, I don't appreciate Andrew's attempts to dress it up as something it isn't.

Anyway, the sucky Morgan tribe wanders back to camp like the giant losers they are.

week: Drake doesn't like somebody, and considers throwing a competition to get rid of him or her. Rupert is still way too into the pirate thing. Osten is drowning. It sure is a lucky thing they kept his incredibly capable ass around, isn't it?