Previously on Irritating People And The Marine Life They Try In Vain To Outwit: Osten was a whiny game-quitter. Sandra was a dirty tarp-stealer. Shawn was a bumbling spear-loser. Rupert was a psycho teammate-berater. Andrew was an egotistical leadership-lacker. Ryan S. was a pitiful challenge-choker. Tijuana was a grating Osten-booster. Ryan-O was an inadvertent censor-defier. Peachy was a snide Morgan-taunter. In the end, Ryan S. was the unfortunate shame-walker.
Credits. Best part of the credits? All the castaways' pictures stuffed into the cheekbone of a skull. I love it when the dead feed upon the photographic evidence of the flesh of the living.
Camp of the Damned, Day Seven. Crabs wander around on a rock, wondering whether they can get to the good camp from here. Lill drags herself unhappily up the beach, hauling a big...dinosaur femur or something. Back by the fire, one of the guys is trying to cook the grunge off his feet. You know, with people doing alluring stuff like that, it's a wonder there isn't more sex on this show. I mean, how could you not want a guy who roasts his dirty feet over the fire while you're making dinner? I think there's actually a verse about that in "Isn't It Romantic?" Anyway, in general team-related matters, Andrew offers the following incisive opening commentary: "We only have six tribemates left. I keep looking around for two more. It's kind of strange." Yeah, math is hard! I was waiting for the shot here of him counting on his fingers, by the way, but it was not forthcoming. Lill sits with her hand over her eyes as Andrew continues yapping, noting that morale is low. He really is a great leader, because not everyone could offer that pin-sharp analysis of his tribe's state of mind. Andrew really can read people. I think he might be a genius. He goes on to offer this equally keen insight: "We need a victory." Man, all this pirate crap, and they can't pop for a parrot to flutter around going, "Fat chance, fat chance, awk awk!" at a moment like that? What a missed opportunity. Cheapskates.
Lill is still sitting on the beach with her head down, and now she appears to be muttering her prayers. Either that, or the Boy Scout pledge. She says she's praying for her husband, her troop, and her "new friend, Ryan." This makes her get all teary, and it makes the music guy throw in a tinkly little flourish. Of course, Ryan S. was kind of a screw-up, but I think he was indeed the only person who was any kind of nice to Lill at all, so I don't blame her for being pretty bummed. In a beachside interview, she confirms that tribal council made her gloomy, and that she voted for Osten because he was a big fat quitter. We watch Osten lie with his buff covering his eyes as Lill points out the self-evident fact that Osten lacks heart when it comes to the game. She explains that she and her comically misshapen hat are just doing the best they can to stay in the game as long as possible. Apparently, the time without sleep has given Lill a lot of time to stare at the metaphorical wall and read all the writing on it. She expresses hope that she might at least have a chance at outlasting Darrah, who is snoozing in the shelter as Lill works around the camp. Because what is Survivor voting based on, if not around-the-camp work ethic? Yeah, if you need me, I'll be over here with Lill in the Land Where Reality Show Success Is Merit-Based. It's not that crowded; in fact, the entire population is having a game of four-square later, and we need two more people.
In a conversation that is imported from much later in the episode (as this entire sequence seems to be), Andrew asks Lill if she really doesn't think that Darrah is strong in challenges. "She's a hundred and two pounds," Lill remarks, leaving it at that. Andrew clarifies that he's talking about endurance and stamina, and Lill half-heartedly goes along with the highly questionable proposition that Darrah can legitimately claim that much. Lill once again mentions to Andrew her frustration at Osten's quitting. Andrew sticks up for Osten, of course, maintaining that Osten didn't really quit, but just talked about it a lot. I would again lobby for a rule providing that if you say you want to quit, they should drop down in a helicopter and haul your ass away in a burlap bag, because listening to people yap about quitting is just about the most uninteresting thing ever, aside from listening to a bunch of girls sitting around talking about how pretty their implants are. In an interview, Andrew insists that in spite of Osten's weenie little threats about quitting, he's still their best physical asset, so they couldn't very well afford to have him go. Osten is seen sitting on the beach, posing with burly limbs splayed, being all I-am-a-physical-asset. Osten now interviews perceptively that Morgan isn't winning any challenges right now, but that he's just going to use that as "motivation." He also says that now he's not doing the whole quitting thing after all, because he talked it over with God. And God totally told him not to quit, because God cares deeply about who wins Survivor.
In an early signal of one of the more annoying developments of late, we hear Andrew call Osten "OT" during a conversation with Tijuana about how they need to get the aforementioned OT all "fired up" for the challenge. As Osten and his sagging shorts do something with a pole and some water, Andrew explains to us that every tribe member has to "check his mental infirmities at the door." Too bad Andrew forgot to leave his ego in the old drop box, huh? He also says that everyone has to "suck it up." You know, for a guy who is such an up-sucking devotee, it's interesting that he has no problem with Osten's complete failure to suck up anything except oxygen badly needed by others. Andrew closes with a vow to help Osten become the "awesome, larger-than-life individual he was when he set foot on this beach." Wow. If you see my eyeballs, please send them to me. (Snail-mail only!) They rolled right out of my head when Andrew said that, and I've been looking for them ever since. By the way, I don't read a lot of the CBS online stuff, but I did recently get to read Andrew's background material, and if you needed any more reasons to hate him, note that he has said that he admires Nelson Mandela for having "outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted a troubled nation." No, really. NO, REALLY. Just thought I'd throw another log on the fire of smoldering hate. Burn, Andrew, burn! ["It's always amusing when you come across a really dumb guy who thinks he's really, really smart. Also, Miss Alli, I think I may know part of why Andrew bugs you so much: he reminds you of Roddy." -- Wing Chun]
Cheery lute-like music takes us back to Camp Drake, a.k.a. Happytown, where we actually open on Big Dolphin and Baby Dolphin skimming through the water side by side. Could things be any more idyllic over at Happytown? Where are the cartoon bluebirds alighting on the shoulders of the participants? Where are the giant rattan baskets of fruit and cream? Where are the dancing girls? Anyway, Drake is eating breakfast while discussing whether to take a trip out in the boat to look for the buried treasure. Rupert is hoping for a big bottle of rum. Yo-ho-ho and all that. Burton explains to us that the map/clue to the treasure chest makes reference to leaving at the right time, so they're all thinking that means low tide, which is "the only way time affects things around here." Accordingly, most of Drake goes off in the boat at low tide to treasure-hunt. Michelle explains that they went out in search of landmarks, but the more they looked around, the more places they found where something could be hidden. As we see a lot of what looks like rather random digging, Trish interviews that she wants to find the treasure very badly. She says that it's very frustrating to know that they might be missing out on "warm clothes or junk food." Aw. I've certainly been comforted by a flannel shirt and a Hershey bar on occasion, so I get that. A high, wide, very pretty shot of Shawn standing on a flat expanse of rock demonstrates just how unlikely it is that they're going to find this thing before the show is good and ready to have them find it, which presumably isn't until they get the third clue.
The members of Drake do a lot of digging, nevertheless, with very little to go on. Rupert complains in an interview that the "tribe went out half-cocked." He continues down the road of taking the pirate thing just a little too seriously as he says that "pirates were not idiots," so obviously the treasure won't be buried in the sand, because it might wash back up. I'm wondering whether Rupert is as tuned-in as he should be to the fact that the pirate thing really is just a gimmick. The producers aren't real pirates or anything like that. He's beginning to creep me out. Anyway, Drake finally gives up the futile search and returns to camp. Boy, that was riveting television. Interestingly, that little bit of nothing is one of the few times you're going to see Drake at all this week, so take in all you can.
Camp of the Damned. Tijuana is retrieving another piece of "treemail." She happily chirps out the crappy rhyming clue, which has something to do with floating and sinking and boats and blah dee blah. I can't understand why they always construct the doggerel so badly that all the sentences have to be rearranged like they've been run through an English-to-Yoda translator. Has there ever been a piece of treemail that didn't involve writing a sentence backwards in that "If want [good result] you do, then the [direct object] you must [verb], else [bad result] is sure to follow" fashion? The team has a little discussion about the fact that if they don't win, Drake is going to take one of the two or three things they have left. Also, they're excited that the clue makes it sound like the reward might include sleeping gear, which would come in handy, considering that they have apparently still not managed to get the shelter into a condition in which people can actually sleep. That is insane. The life of a survivor is just not that busy. It's not like they have to go grocery shopping and return books to the library. There is no way they should have gone six nights without getting the sleeping quarters into a reasonable semblance of shape. They suck. And as they say, a fish rots from the head down, Andrew.
Over at Drake, they're having a discussion about who's going to sit out the challenge. They're up two on the Tribe of the Damned, so they'll have to sit out two people for the challenge. Jon is lecturing to the tribe that if the challenge is physical, he'll sit out, but if it's not, he won't. I guess he doesn't want to deprive them of the use of his giant, pulsating brain and its accumulated wisdom. That's a relief to the team, I'm sure. Unwisely, he decides to tangle with Sandra, declaring that if the challenge has swimming in it, she isn't such a strong swimmer and should sit out. Note that it's not Sandra's turn -- she sat out a challenge last week. So he's specifically plucking her out to pick on. Sandra -- irritated but not speaking particularly loudly -- asks Jon why he thinks he's a better swimmer than she is. Jon and Sandra get into a silly spat over who did a better job swimming from the boat to shore on the very first day. She opines in an interview that Idiot Jon goes after other people in situations like this because he's sensitive about the fact that he's actually the weakest person in the entire tribe. Probably so. At any rate, Jon eventually escalates the argument with some yelling and swearing, which Sandra does not appreciate, and that's when it degenerates into a full-on shouting match. Jon walks away, apparently being one of those guys who's unable to deal with chicks who don't shut up when you yell "fuck" at them really loudly. (Hint to Jon: You might start with a chick who doesn't have a history in the military, nitwit.) "I walked away because she can argue all day long; that's because she's foolish," Idiot Jon fibs condescendingly in an interview. Wow, Beavis is calling Sandra foolish. I'm sure that cuts her to the bone. "Screw Jon, 'cause he's an ass," Sandra interviews calmly. Heh. "Her days are numbered," Jon returns menacingly in a voice-over. "We have bigger threats to get rid of first, but she's not one of the final four." Now he giggles and interviews that he's got "a mil that says she won't be the final one." You know, if you're going to try to be a bad-ass, you could at least learn to make threats without sounding like you're in seventh grade and you're threatening the head of the chess club with a killer wedgie.
Snapping Duck Bay, home of the first all-duck production of West Side Story. The teams row up to the field of play for the reward challenge. In this game, each team will put three people into each of two boats. The boats will battle, trying to sink each other. Each boat has some corks plugging up holes in the sides, and the corks can be pulled out using an assigned grappling hook. You can also use the hook to pull boats to you, or to push them down in the water to make them sink faster. ["Or you can use the hook to gouge out one of the opposing tribemates' eyes out. Doesn't that seem like a liability issue?" -- Wing Chun] Each boat also gets a bucket that you can use to bail water out of your boat, or to throw it in the other team's boat. Peachy unveils the reward, which is, as expected, a pile of pillows and blankets. Also, there will, of course, be a piece of the buried-treasure map as well as the opportunity to loot the other tribe.
Peachy now asks who's going to sit out for Drake, and he's told that Jon and Michelle will be the chosen ones. The team members now arrange themselves in the little boats. Ryan-O, Osten, Rupert, and the Best Buds (Shawn and Burton) are each taking charge of a boat, with the chicks and Andrew scattered among the boats. I say that only because that's the way they shoot and present the thing. The first notable event once the boats get tangling with each other is that Osten almost falls out of (and sinks) his own boat. Nice. Trish manages to pull a plug out of one of the Morgan boats. Osten pulls a plug from the Rupert boat. What Osten, Lill, and Tijuana don't seem to realize is that once your boat gets a couple of plugs pulled, it's mostly a race against time to keep your boat afloat as long as possible, and one of the things you want to do here is keep your boat as level in the water as you can, which minimizes the water coming in. Osten instead positions himself in the corner of his boat, and Lill winds up near him, so they've got the corner of the boat pushed so far down in the water that they're basically sinking themselves. Once Osten gets his boat backed away from everyone and his group once again gets the boat more level in the water, things start to look up for them. Elsewhere, Rupert works on pushing the Ryan-O boat down with the hook.
Osten continues to miss the point completely, and he stands up in the very corner of his boat in order to push down on the Best Bud Boat with the hook. This causes his boat to dip below the surface again and start to fill rapidly with water. The S.S. Osten quickly sinks, leaving the two Drake boats to once again gang up on the Ryan-O boat. I want to point out here that Rupert is, as usual, relying entirely on what a stud he is by pushing down with the hook, which doesn't look like it works very well. The Ryan-O boat seems pretty unaffected by Rupert's pushing, and only gets in trouble when there are two boats ganging up on them. What actually happens is that Ryan-O gets himself standing up (not smart), and Andrew gets himself cornered on the side of the boat that's to the Best Bud Boat, and specifically, to Sandra. Ryan-O and Andrew start to tip the boat over in that direction, and Sandra capitalizes by pushing down on that side of the boat with the paddle. In an overzealous effort to keep the boat balanced, freaking Andrew leaps over to the other side of the boat so fast that he makes Ryan-O trip and tumble over to that side of the boat as well. When Ryan-O and Andrew hit the same side of the boat at the same time, that throws that entire side of the boat (the Rupert-boat side) underwater, and once that happens, the boat sinks quickly. Up until that point, Rupert's approach wasn't working, because he was determined to just try to force the boat underwater, which you really can't do, because you just can't apply very much force unless you stand up, and if you stand up, you sink yourself. Oh, and Darrah was also throwing buckets of water when she should have been bailing. So in the end, Drake did win this challenge, but mostly because Osten the Physical Asset and Andrew the Rotting Fish Head are stupid. Anyway, Peachy calls the challenge for Drake, giving that tribe four in a row. Trish raises her arms in victory. Jon and Michelle happily dive into the water to help their team celebrate the victory they had nothing to do with. Peachy reminds Drake that they will be getting the pillows and stuff, and that they will be sending somebody to collect from the very nearly judgment-proof Camp of the Damned. The members of Morgan look around miserably. Rupert pumps his fist, of course. Trish triumphantly raises her arms again. Or else they just show it again.
Commercials. Oh, Radio Shaq. I get it. That is hi-larious.
Camp of the Damned. Mournful fiddles welcome us back to Infra-Red Theater, where a crab is scuttling (yay!) up the beach. "Hi, Joanna!" it says, waving a claw. "Miss you!" Andrew is by the fire, lecturing some more about how demoralizing it is to keep losing. I can only assume he would feel even worse if he were the tribe's leader. Oh, hey.... Andrew interviews that he's very depressed and sad about losing the reward challenge, and that his team is at an "all-time low." He neglects to add the obvious coda: "So far." He whines some more about how hard it is for them to have lost the pillows and things, because sleeping is such a problem at the Camp Of The Insomniac As Well As Damned. I can only assume he would feel even worse if the sleep problems were his tribe's own fault, because it had had access to all the same shelter-building options as Drake. Oh, hey.... Sigh. Andrew also claims that sleeping is "the only thing [they] ever complain about." Oh, please. If I had a nickel for every time I had heard whining from this tribe about how much they hate losing, I could buy an expensive suit and, you know, stuff it down Andrew's throat.
Tijuana asks Andrew, the purported leader, why he supposes they keep getting their asses kicked. Andrew plays it off to the unhappy fact that "a couple of their players are stronger than a couple of our players." "In every situation?" she retorts in disbelief, showing a glimmer of backbone that I'm sure won't be...well, back. Andrew insists that it's Rupert who's causing all the problems. Good grief, it's bad enough for Rupert to believe his own press; they don't need to start believing it, too. They lost that challenge because of Osten, not Rupert. In an interview, Andrew offers a completely different explanation of things, where now all of a sudden their problem is that they're doubting themselves. Gee, I wonder why. Andrew despairs that Osten, in particular, lacks the confidence he once had. You know, Mighty Captain Kanga-eww, it might be because he's discovered that he's on Survivor and isn't very talented in the areas of surviving, winning challenges, coping with adversity, or sentence structure. That might have something to do with the fact that he's not feeling so filled with the energy of arrogance anymore.
Back in Infra-Red Theater, Osten claims that all the team needs is one good break to get them on a roll. He fails to offer any explanation of how they might obtain such a break. Lill, on the other hand, maintains that they're "doing fine." Lill is apparently one of those people who would have remained below while the Titanic was sinking, sure that they'd have the whole thing mopped up in no time. She once again returns to her bizarre theory -- first expressed in the last tribal council -- that they just need to fish more. More fishing! Lill wants to go fishing in the morning. Fishing is the answer! Everyone reacts with a complete lack of enthusiasm, because there's no reason to take action when you can sit on your ass and complain. Down with problem-solving! Up with bellyaching!
The morning, pirate tootling (this time, complete with guys singing, "Num, num, num, num" in deep voices) returns us to footage of the undersea marine life at the Camp of the Damned. While everyone else is sleeping, Lill goes out to do a little fishing. (Up-and-coming band Pirate Pete and the Peg-Leg Parrots again: "Num, num, num, num.") Back at the shelter, Ryan-O and Darrah share what is...well, I guess it's supposed to be flirtatious banter, but they are really, really, really bad at it. Sometimes I wish people like that would just do it already and stop ruining flirtatious banter for the rest of us. Ryan-O bitches that Lill went off fishing, and shouldn't do that. No one should do anything, apparently, without the approval of Andrew. Whatever. He insists that it's because they should be "more of a team," but I don't understand how you can ask somebody to engage in "teamwork" when that means doing nothing, as opposed to when it means doing something. Oh, and he calls Lill's action in going fishing "separatist." Just a hint, there, Ryan-O -- your terminology may be a trifle harsh. ["The province of Quebec agrees." -- Wing Chun]
Lill's Fishing Adventure. She says that she wanted to go fishing, and nobody got off their asses to go with her, so she went by herself. Understandably, she's about had it with eating rice that has sand in it. Heh. Hilarious Jaws music accompanies the shots of the fish she is supposedly trying to catch with her line and hook. She gets a bite and starts to pull the fish out of the water, but the fish makes off with the hook. Oooops. Lill interviews that they had originally had three or four hooks, and they were down to one, and unfortunately, a blowfish stole it. Damn blowfish. She dejectedly returns to camp and breaks the news that the fish, she is not caught, and the hook, she is gone. I'm not sure why these lazy-asses are going to care that she lost the hook, considering that they apparently can't be bothered to do any fishing in the first place, but they still manage to appear crestfallen. Andrew condescendingly interviews that the only ways to lose a hook are "if the line breaks, which it didn't, or your knot wasn't secure, which it wasn't." How the hell does he know whether the line broke at the knot or whether the knot came untied? Fish can make off with your hook. It happens. Andrew's a dick.
Ryan-O and Osten now have a whine-fest about how they need to give Lill a talking-to, because she's not listening to them the way she should be. Ryan-O interviews that, had Lill waited, he could have gone with her, but she didn't, so now look where they are. She's a fucking Scout troop leader, you halfwit. What would you have done if you had gone with her? You would have tied a better knot? Like hell you would have. You would have beaten the fish with your shoe and retrieved the hook from its belly? Like hell you would have. I swear, there's nothing in the world that pisses me off more than people who refuse to get off their asses and do anything, and then when someone else actually does something and it doesn't go perfectly, they sit around bitching and moaning about the non-ass-sitter. I'm no huge Lill fan, but these guys are so full of it that their ears are leaking. By way of explanation, Lill interviews that she knows that if they lose the immunity challenge, either she or Darrah will go, which is why she was trying to "just shine a little bit" by catching some fish. Sigh.
Happyland. Drake is sitting around pondering their now two-part treasure map. Jon wants to go looking, but Burton reminds him that they decided the night before that that was the last thing on their list of priorities. "Well, yeah, but we got everything else done," Jon gloats. Hate him. Christa brings up the fact that they still have to talk about going over to Morgan to pillage. They decide that Christa should be the one to go and do the looting. The tribe has a little chat about the report Sandra brought back, that Morgan only has one water pot that it uses for cooking and bringing water and such. A debate ensues over whether it's ethical to take it. If Morgan can't boil water, then they can't drink.
This debate is so odd, because I hate Morgan, and normally I hate piety in reality shows, and normally I hate debates about what's ethical to do or not to do, because it's a game, and it's about winning, and so forth. On the other hand, I think if I had been in on this discussion, I would have argued against taking the pot if they really only had one. There's a line somewhere, and if the line is whether you really want to win because the other team literally cannot continue without their health being endangered, I wouldn't want to go that route. It's one thing to gain an advantage, but I would worry if it were me that they'd wind up drinking non-boiled water and getting sick or something. And that's not how I'd want to win. Call it an attack of inappropriate compassion, but...no. I don't judge them for doing it; I just think I wouldn't. I think what I would actually do is come up with some non-compassion-based reason not to take the water pot, like a fear that they would hate you so much for taking it when you got as far as a merge that it isn't worth it or something. I don't think I'd be able to take the only water pot. I know, I know...I would be a very poor pirate.
Anyway, Burton explains (quite rightly) that if they don't take the Morgan pot, and then Morgan comes and takes Drake's pot, then they'll be screwed. Good point, that. Burton's confusing me! Stop making good points, Muscles! "Really, we're taking away their life," Christa says with a nervous laugh. Well...no, but I see her point. In an interview, Rupert says that he'd feel terrible, but after all, they are pirates. And this is where I say yet again...no. They're not pirates. Rupert is coming unhinged. Anyway, he's pro-pot-stealing. Jon adds that Morgan would do the same to them. Eh. That's not a great argument.
The S.S. Booty-Looter carries Christa over to the Camp of the Damned, where Ryan-O is working on constructing some kind of dragnet so that they can get some fish. I don't think he has the foggiest idea what he's doing, but at least he's trying something, which is more than certain other people who are named Osten and Andrew. Ryan-O earns a small helping of love by pointing out that apparently, in order to survive, he has to turn into MacGyver. Dude, MacGyver was awesome. He would have rigged up a volleyball net and a jetski by now, and it all would have been environmentally-friendly and absolutely infuriating to the Russians. Andrew wanders up and tells Ryan-O that he's afraid that Drake will make off with their precious net, so he suggests that they bunch it up "like a useless old net" and then "stick it in the dinghy." I've got something for you to stick in the dinghy, you dink. After all, a useless old net is exactly what it is, not that the Wrong-Way Ranger would notice that fact.
In an interview, stupid Andrew -- working his bare chest and suit jacket like he's at an executive committee meeting at a nudist colony -- explains that they're awaiting the arrival of a Drake tribe member who will be coming to "take one of [their] prize possessions." Back at the shelter, Tijuana is hoping that Drake can't take the canteens. Andrew points out that they can't take all the canteens, presumably because the Drake envoy is only allowed to take one item. Brilliant, as usual. (Eye-roll.) Ryan-O interviews that he's just hoping Drake won't take the big silver pot, although we see, contrary to the intelligence Sandra gathered, that Morgan does have another black pot, so that they can at least get by to some degree if Drake does as planned. For some reason, Ryan-O gets some satisfaction from the fact that if Drake takes it, they'll have to take it out of the fire, and it's hot, and also from the fact that it has a blanket boiling in it right now. I didn't think they had any blankets based on all their bellyaching, but...whatever. Ryan-O has a serious crow's feet situation going on, by the way. Sometimes he looks really cute, and sometimes he looks like a very old guy trapped in a young guy's pecs.
Christa motors toward the Beach of the Damned. Morgan notes her approach. "Looks like the blonde chick," Tijuana snorts. Christa and Tijuana meet on the beach, and Christa forces a very awkward and chilly hug. "Congratulations again," Tijuana says through clenched teeth. Heh, hating is funny. Other people meet and welcome Christa, including Andrew, who is also subjected to one of those weird-ass hugs Christa is handing out. Christa tries to downplay how cool the bedding from the reward challenge has turned out to be, saying that practically nobody can fit on the big pillow/mattress thing anyway. Andrew, in a way he erroneously thinks is charming, says that he sleeps using his rolled-up buff as a pillow. Poor. Baby. Darrah looks disgusted, but then...she usually does.
Christa announces that she's making off with the silver pot. In an interview, she talks about how very happy she was to see that Morgan had another pot, because she would have felt horrible taking the only way they had to boil water. Once the taking is complete, Andrew tries in his own very subtle way to pump Christa for information about her tribe. He doesn't quite say, "Is there anything that you could tell me about your tribe that might potentially work to my advantage and harm you and your team members?" but it's close to that. She insists that there's no leader, which is pretty much true, and that everybody just kicks back and hangs out. She interviews that Andrew was really pressuring her for information, and that it sure was hard not to break. Because that Andrew, I guess...is so charming. Or something. (Ick.) Andrew asks her who she thinks will be booted the first time they lose immunity, and she's like, "Hee hee, I don't know." In other news, Christa has some nasty stuff going on with her bug bites, including one on the back of her arm that looks like it's infected. Ew. Christa wants (and gets) a hug before she leaves. Don't touch the sores, y'all.
Of course, as soon as Christa leaves, the bitching begins. Because no matter how nice you are, these people are going to bitch about you. Osten insists that all Christa's claims that she doesn't know anything are just attempts to be "crafty," because she's not as dumb as she's acting. He busts on her "Big Bird-type personality," which he thinks is "a farce." I'm sorry, what? Big Bird? A Big Bird personality farce? What? Again, he just makes no sense.
Post-Christa's visit, Andrew comes up with possibly his stupidest remark yet, and that is really saying something. He says, "Right now, I think the Morgan tribe mentally is probably stronger than the Drake tribe, because we have experienced so much defeat. They've probably been sleeping better than us [sic]; they probably have the same amount of water. They definitely have the same amount of bug bites. But they have this euphoria, the adrenaline that naturally results from winning. And that's huge out here. We haven't had that yet. So I can't wait for Drake to suffer some defeats and see if they just crumble." Thus ends Andrew's theory of how euphoria and adrenaline are very bad for you in a difficult competition. You know, that's why coaches always tell teams to focus mostly on losing.
Commercials. You know, I care less about the new Bill Murray movie than I do about the old Elvis Costello song. ["Both are excellent." -- Wing Chun]
Day 8, Camp of the Damned. For some reason, Morgan is getting the benefit of cheerful pirate-tootling that is normally reserved for Drake. Perhaps it's because, for the first time, it appears that they have been given their team flag, which is sitting with the "treemail" along with a little wooden tripod apparatus. Clue, clue! Sigh. Lill takes the stuff away from what is apparently a very ferocious Guard Lizard, and takes it back to the shelter. She reads the typically awful poetry on the clue, which tells them that they'll have to pick their smallest tribe member, and their strongest, to participate in the immunity challenge. They choose Osten as their strongest, and then they choose Darrah as their littlest. Darrah does that tickled-pink half-smile that teeny girls do when you recognize how teeny they are. "Whooo, meeee?" Eh, bite me, Pee-wee. For some reason (call it "bad editing"), we then have to hear Andrew repeat to us what we just heard in the clue. I hate that. Hate that so much. I want to see it or hear about it. Never, ever both.
Darrah explains in an interview that they need to win this challenge. This, by the way, is your first really good, hefty helping of Darrah's almost unbelievably annoying voice, which may be one of the worst reality-show voices ever. It's a drawl, but it's much worse than a drawl. It's like...a form of slow torture. "Traahh-bull cahh-uuunn-suhl is nah-ut fu-uhn," she says. She's one of those girls, among other things, where the accent is so thick that there are no one-syllable words. She always opens her mouth on one vowel sound and closes it on a different one. She also adds the very astute observation, "We have six, and they have eight." (I just can't type her accent anymore. It is as incomprehensible typed as it is spoken.) So now we know she can count.
Andrew, equally on the ball, tells us that his team has now lost four consecutive challenges. "We go to another tribal council, we're finished," he says. Oh, how I wish that were true. That would make for a short season.
The teams head for Shark Beach, where the immunity challenge will be taking place. When they get there, they find that there are two large wooden tripods out in the water with harnesses dangling from them. Both teams walk their flags up the beach, and Peachy explains the challenge. Each team has five members line up, one behind each other, holding onto a rope that's tied to a pulley system that's dangling a sixth tribe member in the tripod over the water. So far, that's five people holding up one person -- not too bad. But the idea is that every five minutes, one person from each team has to peel off the front of the line, until you're down to just the last people in line -- the ones each team picked as "strongest." This will be Osten and Rupert. Unsurprisingly, the ones dangling in the tripod will be Darrah and Michelle. Essentially, this challenge comes down to this: who can hold on longer -- Rupert holding up Michelle, or Osten holding up Darrah? Also note that each person in each line has a sort of a fence in front of them, which they can lean on for leverage or wrap the rope around or whatever.
One by one, everybody peels off. The only news of note is that this isn't very comfortable for the girls in the harnesses either. They both say their legs hurt. They're both willing to keep going. Anyway, presumably twenty minutes in, everybody else is gone, and Rupert and Osten settle in for their battle. They both start out lying on the ground with their feet up on the posts and the rope all wrapped around them. Peachy tries to psych them out by asking whether they can feel the bugs crawling all over them. Heh. One hour and five minutes in, Peachy starts asking whether they really expect the girls to make it very much longer in the harnesses. He promises that, eventually, somebody's going to quit. An hour and a half in, he tells them that they have to get up on their feet. They do. Osten is, at this point, substantially more visibly relying on the post than Rupert is. They hit the two-hour mark, and Peachy tells them that this is it. They've got to refrain from touching the posts with any part of their bodies, or with the ropes. Osten seems literally just about unable even to get his rope up off the post, because that will require Osten to assume Darrah's entire weight, and Peachy actually gives him more opportunities to get the rope up and off the post than you'd think he might. He just keeps telling Osten that he needs to do it, and finally, Osten is briefly able to hold the rope without cheating. But after a second, he's cheating again. Peachy instructs him one more time to get the rope off the post, and at that point, Osten lets go and lets the rope slip out of his hands. Darrah splashes dramatically into the water at the other end. I have to say, the teammate dropping into the water is a good finish to a long endurance challenge like that. That was kind of cool. Pressure off, Rupert lets go and Michelle splashes into the water, too.
Sigh. Morgan looks miserable again. Lill comforts others again. Andrew looks like he can't believe it again. Rupert sounds his barbaric yawp, and I don't like him again. As insufferable as he's been getting, this is going to make it much, much worse. Rupert also always feels the need to kiss the immunity idol, which is so smurfy I can't even tell you.
Peachy tells Morgan to go home and prepare for tribal council. Again. They walk off, completely dejected. "We hate being the Damned," they are thinking.
Commercials. When they make a TV show where I talk to God, I'd actually like to request that God be played by Denzel Washington. Hey, sometimes the juxtaposition of commercials gives you ideas.
Camp of the Damned. A crab crawls out of a sneaker, like, "I ain't hangin' around with these losers, dude." The sad Morgan tribe approaches the camp, walking along the beach. Andrew says that with the other immunity challenges, he couldn't help sitting around thinking about what they could have done differently. This time, he feels confident that there's nothing that they could have done. And he finds that comforting or something, I guess. He sucks up to Osten about how awesome he was and how long he held Darrah up. Osten interviews that "the weight of the world was on [his] shoulders for a day," and he didn't get it done. Hey, baby, you said it, not me. He claims that he was in bad shape, so "it was just a matter of time."
Tijuana interviews that going to tribal council yet again is "disheartening." Thank you, Tijuana, queen of understatement. "It's one of us, and I don't want it to be me," she says insightfully. Preparing for the boot, Osten, Andrew, and Tijuana have a little discussion about Lill. Tijuana is inclined to admire Lill's work ethic around camp. She doesn't say, "Hell, it's better than mine," though she could. Andrew asks, however, whether Lill does anything around camp that Darrah couldn't do. Which is asinine, of course, because it's not a matter of what you could theoretically do -- it's a matter of what you actually do. Furthermore, I would bet that Lill can do a lot of things that Darrah couldn't do. Like spell "Mississippi." Osten, however, agrees with Andrew, blowing off Lill's efforts around camp. "Who can't do a fire? Who can't go get water?" America: "Well...YOU, probably." Andrew interviews that he, Ryan-O, Tijuana, and Osten have "an alliance." Big shocker. Sickeningly, he calls them "Rhino, OT, T, and myself." Okay, first of all, the "myself" is unnecessary, you windbag. Second of all, I think you have enough time out here on the islands to use people's names, and I don't think if you're going to call the girl in your alliance "T," you could theoretically be creative enough not to call one of the guys "OT." Osten, for instance, could be called "Big Whiny Baby," or "Quitter," or "Albatross." All of which wouldn't be so easily confused with "T." I'm just saying. Andrew explains that the four of them obviously aren't getting booted, so it's between Darrah and Lill.
In a rather conspicuous moment of irony, Andrew, Osten, and Tijuana now have a conversation about other people's "raw intelligence." HA HA HA HA HA HA...okay, I'm done. Andrew then earns himself a place on the genuine hate list by suggesting that they discuss Lill and Darrah's respective "ability to think outside the box." Oh, Andrew. 1996 called, and it wants its trite, soulless, corporate motivational pabulum back. At any rate, Andrew thinks that Darrah's thinking remains firmly inside the box. I remain unconvinced that Darrah even knows where the box is.
Andrew now interviews that Lill is great around camp, which he demonstrates by holding his hand up high in the air to demonstrate how high Lill is on Andrew's internal High-Low Scale of Merit. Darrah, however, will be stronger in challenges, as we have seen...well, never, actually. Andrew takes it from her ability to dangle at the immunity challenge, but...seriously, what are the odds that you're going to need a dangler again? I think the idea that Darrah will be more useful than Lill in challenges is, for one thing, unbelievably sexist if you look at Andrew's other choices. He assumes that a big guy like Osten will be worth something whereas a skinny guy like Ryan will be worth nothing, but when it comes to women, he sees no value in the obviously sturdier Lill as compared to the teeny, scraggly, blow-away-in- a-stiff-wind Darrah. I think it's perfectly obvious that Lill would be more valuable in mental challenges of any kind, and the likelihood is that there are physical challenges where Darrah's littleness would be handy and ones where Lill's greater ability (swimming, for instance) would be handy. The idea that there's some kind of "Lill's good at camp, Darrah's good at challenges" dynamic is utter crapola of a very Andrew-ish kind.
In case you didn't think Andrew was sufficiently full of it yet, he now delivers a condescending speech to Lill in which he tells her that they'll be voting out the "least valuable" person, which may or may not be her. Even more jaw-droppingly insulting is Andrew's assertion that whoever gets voted off should "have no problem" with being tossed, because they should "put the interests of the tribe ahead of their own personal interests." Okay, first of all, who is this prick to lecture another adult about how she should feel if she's voted off? Second of all, WHAT? Why would you put the interests of your tribe ahead of your own personal interests? The only purpose of your tribe in Survivor is to advance you personally. It's not a team game. It's an individual game. Your team is good for you as a tool to take you farther in the game, but you have absolutely no reason to root for your tribe if it means they would get rid of you. Man, I hate him. I hate contestants in a game like this who try to convince you that dignity requires you to smile while they serve you a big poo sandwich.
Andrew asks Lill, in light of all this wisdom, how she'll feel if she's voted off. "Very, very resentful," she says. HA! Yeah, that speech worked wonders. Hee hee. Andrew tells Lill that he and his posse will go talk more, and that he'll let her know later what the deal is. She gives him credit for having "the balls just to talk to [her]." (Troop at home: "Oooooooh.") He tells her that it's cool, baby -- she's been "an unbelievable asset" (bleh) and he thinks he owes her the truth. Oh. How. Touching. Insert slow, sarcastic clapping right about here.
Meanwhile, Tijuana and Darrah take a stroll on the beach. Tijuana tells Darrah that she may be on the block, and Darrah's basic reaction is, "Oh." Darrah also takes a broad slam at Lill, saying she won't "whine and mope around like she's doing." These people suck.
Tijuana and Andrew talk about their daunting task of separating the worthy from the unworthy, and Andrew interviews that it all comes down to whether Darrah "has earned her spot in our tribe." I find that a fascinating perspective, given that I don't think Andrew has "earned" a spot on the late-night cleaning crew at a fertilizer factory, but that's just me. Why does it occur to no one that when you lose five consecutive challenges and have a camp that looks like a fungal colony growing inside a pair of shower shoes, the kind of leadership you're receiving might have something to do with your problems? Why does it occur to no one that Andrew is giving out bad advice?
Anyway, menacing clouds speed by on time-lapse-cam as the time comes for tribal council. The pathetic dregs of the Morgan tribe traipse up to the tribal council area. And there they encounter my new boyfriend, Jeff "Peachy" Probst. Yeah, go ahead and mock. I fear no ridicule. Every time he looks at these people like he can barely keep from laughing, he burrows a little more deeply into my heart. As if to prove my point, as Morgan sits down around the fire, the Peach grins at them. "Welcome to another windy tribal council," he says. He continues grinning as he says, "As of now, you're one of the losing-est tribes ever, and, with many more challenges to go, chances are, you may set a record that won't be broken." He turns to Tijuana. "Is the Drake tribe simply a better tribe?" "No, they're not," she says. "I think we have a better tribe." Even Andrew looks like he might throw up at this. Tijuana says that they just need to take their incredibly awesome tribe and start "coming together when it comes time for challenge time." Oh, I get it. They just need to be as awesome during challenges as they are when they're licking the inside of snail shells to try to get some water and protein, or when they're sleeping with pieces of bamboo sticking into their eardrums. The Peach takes this for what it is and turns to Ryan-O: "Is this tribe really unified and focused?" Ryan-O says yeah, they're focused; it's just "one of those things." One of those failure, sucking, loser things, presumably. He says that they've "gotta get over a hump." He goes on saying that Morgan is "gonna get a win -- it's inevitable." Peachy cocks his head and grins. "Really?" Hee. Ryan-O says that Osten was awesome at the last challenge. Oh, totally. After all, he came in second. That's only one spot behind first. Peachy turns to Osten, asking him how things are going. He thinks that "everybody goes through a slump." And, you know, loses five challenges in a row. And eats sand for lunch.
Peachy, incredulously: "This is the thing I don't get: You guys don't seem worried!" See how funny? He goes on to remind them that they've "self-destructed at several challenges," and says he sort of doesn't understand why their attitude is all, "Eh, well, slumps happen." Andrew, Peachy, Andrew! Go in for the kill! Andrew continues the hilarity, saying, "There's nothing worse than going 0-and-5." There isn't? Not even going 0-and-6? Andrew is unconcerned, because he says they'll win the one. And...I mean, what else can he say, really? Peachy points out that if they lose a few more, there won't be a tribe to worry about. He asks Tijuana what she's thinking about these days -- lack of food, losses in challenges, or what. She talks some more about togetherness, by which she means "solidifying my alliance so that I can save my own ass." Which is fine and appropriate, and which I wish people wouldn't bury under quite so much Free To Be You And Me-inspired nonsense.
Peachy asks Darrah what's uncomfortable for her about the conditions. She says she doesn't know anything about building a faaaaahre. "I'm not good at fires; that's Lill's job," she says without shame, as Lill offers a rueful scout salute that's just a little too much. Darrah congratulates herself for giving "one hundred ten percent" in challenges. Well, at least those in which she does anything. She praises herself over all the dangling again. Peachy then turns to Lill and asks her how she feels about her place in the tribe. She says she was so proud when Andrew praised her work ethic (bleeeeh), and she hopes people will take that into account when they vote. Yeah. Anyway, Peachy tells them it's time to vote.
Ryan-O votes. Darrah votes for Lill, looking into the camera and saying, "You're a great woman, a hard worker, and you contributed well to our camp." She should really have followed that up with "I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better -- have a great summer!!!!!" Osten votes, still wearing what look to be scraps of Andrew's suit vest. Classy. Lill votes for Darrah, saying she's kind of like a "Mississippi belle -- you're fragile and you know very few skills." HA! Nice. "No hard feelings, honey," she finishes. Tijuana votes. Andrew votes, and while we don't see his vote, we hear him say, "This is totally based upon a strategy. We'll see if it works."
Peachy goes off to tally. When he returns, we find that Lill has been booted, five votes to one. Peachy calls her up to be snuffed, and her torch actually refuses to go out the first time. You know, there's an old urban legend that if you were being hanged and it didn't work the first time, they had to let you go. Lill is the recipient of no such bizarre justice, and she is re-snuffed. Bye, Lill.
I have to say, that is one of the most overtly social, dumb-ass bootings I've ever seen. I firmly believe that Darrah was kept because Andrew's alliance of nitwits would rather hang around with a pretty little thing than an older lady. I think that's all there was to it. If Andrew really thinks that he's got that alliance of four firmly down, then it made no difference strategically, and there's no way Darrah is reliably better for challenges, and she does squat around camp. That was just a bunch of petty, shallow punks keeping the person they thought was cooler. You can do that if you want, but again, I don't appreciate Andrew's attempts to dress it up as something it isn't.
Anyway, the sucky Morgan tribe wanders back to camp like the giant losers they are.
week: Drake doesn't like somebody, and considers throwing a competition to get rid of him or her. Rupert is still way too into the pirate thing. Osten is drowning. It sure is a lucky thing they kept his incredibly capable ass around, isn't it?