Beg, Barter, Steal

Previously on Survivor: The rending of garments. The gnashing of teeth. Aspirin. Tequila. Despair. Jenna.

Shots of the local architecture get a little help from an on-screen caption in establishing that we are in Panama City, Panama. Oh, Weathered Treasure Map Font, how I've missed you since last we were together. Suddenly, we bolt over the skyline and out to sea, and we alight upon a picturesque ship that looks to have been just recently released from its bottle. And on the boat? Why, it's Jeff "Bore-gia Peach" Probst, who tells us that we are sailing along the coast of Panama. You know, just in case Weathered Treasure Map Font doesn't render properly on your TV. As we get our first glimpse of the castaways, Peachy exposits that, below deck, they are waiting around in the belief that they're a few days away from the beginning of the game, and that today is just a jaunt for publicity photos. Peachy claims that they're actually wearing the same clothes they were wearing on the plane to Panama City. You know, if Nicole wore that particular strapless hooter-hoisting dress on a plane, she really needs to rethink her travel wardrobe, because that is a really good way to lose your snack peanuts and never find them again. Peachy explains that, unbeknownst to them, the castaways will not get to take any of their stuff with them to camp, and will arrive with only the clothes they're wearing now.

Now it's time for the introduction of this season's location. We are heading for the Pearl Islands, which we are told have "a bloody history" involving pirates. Many pirate-related images follow, including a cannon, a skull and crossbones, and some gold coins. No bleeding, oddly. This is probably as good a place as any to warn you that this pirate motif is evidently going to extend through the season, so if you aren't up for the deluge of puns about plank-walking, parrot-wearing, and people named "[Blank]beard," you should scamper off now and enjoy a refreshing book. But probably not Treasure Island. At any rate, Peachy tells us that the island's jungles where the pirates used to hide are "rugged," and that the weather is "temperamental." You should listen to him, because if the environment were swanky and the climate refreshingly temperate? Peachy would surely tell you. "Frankly, this game really isn't going to be very hard," he would say with a rueful shake of his tousled head. As if the mercurial weather weren't enough, he also mentions that the ocean is filled with very deadly fishy things. One eel, in fact, looks right at the camera and opens its very menacing mouth like, "Do my gums look inflamed to you?" Oh, and because the pirate theme might leave some stone unturned as far as pure unadulterated cheese, there are also whales flailing about. As I'm sure you know, of all marine life, whales are the most fraught with meaning.

After a quick recapping of the whole thing about how people will be voted off one at a time until somebody wins a million dollars, tense and thumping music carries us through Peachy's final "one survivor" speech, and then we hit credits. If you like pirate Halloween costumes and related paraphernalia, you're going to love the credits. We will try, however, not to make pirate jokes in the recap, if you haven't already abandoned ship. Oh, wait -- sorry. No, wait, wait, come back!

Back on the ship, Gilligan and the Skipper are spinning the steering wheel thoughtfully. Big-shouldered men in smart white uniforms pull on thick ropes, while whales thump their tails in appreciation. (Actually, I think their tails are thumping out "C-A-L-L G-R-E-E-N-P-E-A-C-E" in Morse code.) The anchor is dropped, and we see it bullet through the water to the bottom. Peachy gathers the castaways out on deck. "Welcome, guys," he tells them. And then he drops the bomb. "The game is on. We're starting right now." Darrah's gigantic, freakishly white teeth are amazed. Peachy reminds this gobsmacked motley crew that past survivors have been able to take their essential items from their suitcases when they head for camp. In this case, however, that won't be happening. They will be taking nothing except what they're wearing. "Just like if you really were shipwrecked!" he adds. Well...if you were shipwrecked in a play, maybe. Or at camp. "I was like, 'Oh, shit,'" Sandra interviews, managing to sum it up quite succinctly. Peachy has a good tee-hee at Shawn and Andrew for the fact that they're wearing suits, and at Nicole for her dress with the peanut-swallowing top, and he smarmily oozes that he's "hoping [she's] wearing something under that." Shawn tells us in an interview that because he was wearing an Armani suit, he wasn't sure how he would "get by," as if a less expensive suit would have been more functional. After all, suits from JC Penney have those built-in tool kits behind the lapels. Nicole says she was just hoping her dress would stay up without benefit of a bra. Man. That's a curvy girl to be stuck out on an island with no support. Ouch. Double-ouch, really. ["Nah, boobs that big and fake have support built in -- flying buttresses and whatnot." -- Wing Chun] Back on the boat, Peachy also points out Lillian and her Boy Scout leader uniform, which makes her by far the luckiest person on the boat, clothing-wise. ["Also, the weirdest." -- Wing Chun] Peachy does tell the castaways that they can have their sneakers, which he has tied into jaunty bundles. You know, just as the pirates did with their sneakers in olden times. Arrrr! He then says he's confiscating all the personal items they have with them -- watches, wallets, passports, and so forth. He's got a little mesh bag for each person to store stuff in. The highlight is when Osten produces a giant bottle of Canadian Club and what looks like a giant bottle of vodka, and turns them over to Peachy. You know, I have to say that if I could only take two bottles of booze to an island, you'd better believe neither of them would be Canadian Club.

The time has come to pick tribes. Peachy tells the assembled swashbucklers that their tribe names are based on the names of famous pirates (ugh) Drake and Morgan. If you're tiring of pirates already, you can also think of the tribes as being named after the heroes of those bodice-ripper novels that constitute the only porn you can buy at Wal-Mart. Anyway, first to be assigned to the Drake tribe is Shawn, identified as being in "Advertising Sales." Shawn is young, buff, and unafraid of the feel of product in his hair. First to be assigned to the Morgan tribe is Darrah. She's a mortician, which will be handy for improving the appearance of her pallid, hungry compatriots somewhere around Day 30. She's stuck in a spaghetti-strap dress with very ugly stripes on it. up for Drake is Christa who, it is safe to say, is no rocket scientist, given that thanks to The Smoking Gun, we know that she isn't even intelligent enough to make her Usenet drug requests from a free and anonymous email account. She's another one who'll be suffering for a while in a pretty summery dress, but at least hers has little cap sleeves. As the Love Theme from Ahoy, There, Matey continues to whistle merrily, Morgan gets Osten, the "equity trade manager," who's in a nice blue shirt and pants, and has thus done reasonably well in the Luck Of The Clothing Draw Sweepstakes. Peachy admires the haul of loot that Osten turns over to him, and of course, he has to call it "pirate-like," because of those bottles of booze. to go to the Drake tribe is Rupert, who has been compared to Hagrid by numerous observers, but whom I think Glark most accurately pegged when he said, "I think Peter Jackson can win Survivor AND an Academy Award this year!" I'm not sure Peter Jackson has a pink-yellow-blue tie-dye tank top, though. ["I am. And I'll bet he wears it when he's using his gigantic, Treebeard-shaped bong." -- Wing Chun] And Rupert most certainly does have such a shirt. He's described as a "troubled teens mentor." In the first interview to reveal Christa's unbelievably annoying voice, she tells us that she immediately figured Rupert was "a big old hippie," but "strong as an ox." So he was two hackneyed clichs, instead of only one, as most reality-show contestants are. to go to Morgan is Lillian the scout leader, who is this season's designated woman over the age of thirty-five who's still in possession of her original breasts, and is thus the obvious first candidate for booting. Drake gets Trish, a "sales executive" in a sweater-skirt combo that's not going to be too comfortable in the sand. to head to Morgan is Ryan S., whose buzz cut and glasses bring to mind every kid you ever knew who liked to play Risk for seventeen hours at a time. Ryan is a produce clerk, so he may not be able to find food for you, but he is boffo when it comes to telling you whether it's ripe.

The member of the Drake tribe is Burton, a studly "marketing executive" who has embraced business casual for this trip, and will be reasonably happy with his choice of khakis and a blue button-down. He will be less happy with his decision to have Jack Scalia's Dallas hair transported here from 1987. Morgan welcomes Tijuana, whom Osten admiringly describes as a "Nubian princess." She's undoubtedly the happiest about getting her tennis shoes, since her heels are about seven inches high. Also, she apparently pronounces her name much as you might pronounce a name spelled "Tawana," so at least you can try to forget what her real name is, and we can probably avoid unnecessary Herb Alpert jokes. to head for Drake is Michelle, who is a student and apparently the designated "bookish girl," because she's wearing glasses with her halter top. Ryan O. is Morgan's member. He's (so very surprisingly) young and beautiful as well. Blond, shaggy-locked Jon goes to Drake , and he offers an interview snippet in which he rather disgustingly says that he calls himself "Johnny Fairplay," because he doesn't play fair. So it's, like, ironic. You know, I have a Twilight Zone-style theory that every time you say something that lame, somewhere in the world, someone genuinely clever dies. ["If you liked Gabe from a couple of seasons ago but wished he was a bigger douchebag, Jon is the Survivor for you." -- Wing Chun] Peachy informs Morgan that they will be "very happy" to see that they are getting the Big Boobs Girl of the season, also known as Nicole. Nicole starts her Survivor experience by (1) neglecting to give her bag of personal items to Peachy; (2) going to the wrong tribe until she is redirected; and (3) neglecting to give her bag of personal items to Peachy one more time before he finally gets her attention and gets it from her. Her tribe looks like they're not sure whether they're really "very happy" about getting this non-brain-surgeon on their squad. The last member of Drake is Sandra, who takes her place without putting up an attention-getting fuss of any kind, so I have no idea how she got through the audition process. This leaves only Andrew, perched on a ledge in his devil-may-care attorney fashion, kicking his legs playfully. He's the last member of Morgan. Just a word of advice for Andrew: it's hard for an attorney to be convincingly whimsical. Believe me. It's the best reason not to wear your gaucho hat to depositions.

Peachy now explains to the castaways that not only will there be no clothes available to them, but they will find nothing when they get to camp. No food, no supplies, no anything. He will be offering them, however, "the opportunity to control [their] own fate." This may sound a little self-helpish to you, like something you'd find on page 356 of Change Your Life The Marilu Henner Way, but what he means is that each team will be given one hundred balboas ("That's Panamanian money," he explains helpfully) with which to shop for supplies in a nearby village. They'll need to reserve enough to hire a boat to camp, but other than that, they can do whatever they want, with the understanding that they have to get the boat soon enough to be at camp by sundown. He reminds them that in addition to spending their money, they can barter with what little they have on them. He tosses them maps to their camps. "This is beyond what I bargained for," Ryan S. voices over, marveling at the challenge as someone must at the beginning of every season. With that, Peachy tosses the bundles of tennis shoes over the side of the boat and tells the castaways they'll have to swim for it. In a sequence that actually turns out to be kind of fun, the castaways jump one by one over the side. Some manage to look relatively dignified, while some manage to look like total dorks. Some of the women, in particular, have obvious concerns about the possibility that their dresses will fly up over their heads during the big leap. And it's true, that is not the way you want to make your television debut -- as Flowery Underpants Girl. That would take a while to wear off, reputation-wise. A rousing adventure theme plays as they jump. And jump. And jump. Once everyone is in the water, the teams swim away from the ship, some on their own and some hanging on to life rings that have been helpfully thrown into the water by Mark Burnett's liability attorneys. Osten complains that he doesn't get in the water unless he has to, so he needed that life ring so as not to drown. Rupert adds that he was surprised how extraordinarily difficult it was to swim with his jeans on, because they got so heavy when they hit the water. "My legs were rubber," he interviews. "I was spent. And it hadn't even started yet!" Hee.

Before you know it, people get to shore and begin to scamper up onto the rocks. Nicole takes this moment to demonstrate that if a dress is wet enough, even a thong can leave a visible panty line. Morgan immediately dissolves, as Nicole, Darrah, and Ryan O. run off toward the village, leaving Tijuana, Morgan, Osten, Lillian, and Ryan S. to gather up the life ring and the shoes. Ryan S. interviews that he was disappointed that instead of gathering to formulate a strategy, the team instantly splintered upon arrival. He particularly noted how Ryan O. went off all alone as if he "wasn't even part of the tribe." As we see, Ryan O. does have a plan, and that plan is to start by finding the boat, probably so that they have an idea of how much time and money they can spare buying supplies. It's not a bad plan, except that when he reaches the boat dock, Ryan O. realizes that he has come to inquire about how long the ride will take and how much it will cost without bringing...his map. Therefore, he is stuck posing the following genius question to the boat pilot: "What's the most to go pretty much anywhere?" Reasonably enough, Boat Guy looks at Ryan O. like he's the biggest moron Boat Guy has ever seen. "Screwed up this one," says a sheepish Ryan O. as he walks away, realizing that he's just set a new standard for first-episode folly of this particular kind.

Elsewhere in the village, some of the boys of the Drake tribe are bringing their life ring up a hill with their meager collection of possessions in it. Burton and Shawn leave an exhausted and jeans-bemoaning Rupert to sit with the stuff and wait while they (presumably) go off in search of the rest of the tribe and the necessary supplies. While Rupert is sitting with the life ring, most of Morgan brings its life ring up and plunks it down to Rupert. Then, they all leave. "This is definitely a pirate adventure," Rupert growls in an interview, adding, "Pirates pillage. Pirates steal." Back in the village, he steps over to the Morgan life ring and retrieves all of Morgan's equally meager collection of possessions -- looks like it's mostly the shoes that the members of Morgan were wearing when they jumped, as well as some miscellany like insoles. Happy with the take, he walks off, dragging the ring behind him. Rupert now makes his way to a couple of little market stands, where he trades one of the pairs of shoes for a knife and another for a pineapple. (I kind of think he got taken on that last transaction, but...whatever.) "Yeah, it's a harrrrd life livin' the pirate's life," Rupert says, just barely holding back the "arrrrrr" he clearly wants to add at the end. I will allow the pirate accent once. Once. That's pretty much my Pirate Accent Yearly Allowance, right there, so let's not make it a habit, Rupert.

Commercials. I can't figure out whether "x = (George Clooney) + (Coen Brothers) - (Catherine Zeta-Jones)" yields a negative or positive value for x. I know the absolute value is very small.

Back in Bargaintown, Tijuana and Osten are comparing notes. They've got water and knives; she suggests that flint and steel might be the target. (I guess matches are too obvious.) Osten wants fishing stuff. He interviews that their approach to supplies at the village was "chaotic," which is becoming pretty clear. Osten barters some of his stuff -- namely his belt and his shoes -- to get more supplies. , going for that Gallant Gentleman of the Year award, he gathers Darrah, Nicole, and Lillian together in a huddle and tells them that when dealing with the horny old men, they'll want to flash their breasts around as much as possible in order to get better deals. I understand about using your wiles and stuff, but as a guy, you just don't give that command. Particularly, you don't give it to women you don't know. Nicole feels similarly, saying that it squicked her out that Osten did this without even knowing their names yet. "I was just like, 'This guy's a jerk,'" she says.

Tijuana, meanwhile, is dismayed to look over and see the haul that Drake has brought down while she was arguing with Trish's girlfriend. To her credit, she says, "They were taking the time, and we weren't." Her tribe, meanwhile, under the non-brilliant leadership of Osten, has decided that it's time to cut bait on the shopping and head for the boat, even though they haven't even spent the money they think they can afford to spend. Ryan S. complains in an interview that they didn't do a good job getting supplies at all, because they didn't act carefully and because they were overanxious to get to the boat and get on the way to camp. They board their boat, as we see our first shot of Osten's shorts falling down and his ass being pixelized. It's going to be a theme, so be prepared. Morgan's boat takes off for their island.

Accordion-ish Music of Success and Plenty accompanies Drake, just now concluding a very successful shopping day in which they have managed to get some colorful toothbrushes, among other things. Sandra emphasizes that she thinks they did very well with shopping, and got just the things they wanted. They do indeed seem to be hauling quite a lot to the boat, including fishing stuff, wine, a big tarp, machetes...they do indeed have the makings of a nice camp. With all the booze and camping gear, it could be a rich suburban kid's graduation party...well, except for the live chickens. Shawn says that he had pocketed forty balboas, figuring that would be enough for the boat. Indeed, it is, so the team is off on its adventure. Once Jon has wrangled the live chicken back into the fold, that is. They climb aboard the boat and take off. On their boat ride, they're able to enjoy the fruit and chicken and stuff that they brought along. "We're definitely ready to go all-out for the forty days," Christa says. Well, if Christa thinks they're good, I'm sure they are. Unless she's been on Usenet recently, if you know what I mean. And I'm certain that you do.

Commercials. Okay, the flower stampede is cool.

On the Morgan boat (also known as the Ship of Fools), the team is approaching its island and flag. Ryan S. explains that when he saw the flag, he got happy and excited, and figured everyone else would do the same. They didn't. He despairs about his tribemates' failure to "woooo." The Morgan tribe swims to shore, where they start to talk shelter and Osten fails to hike up his shorts, which are showing the unmistakable swath of blurred-out ass-crack that he will be displaying for most of the rest of the episode. There are moments when I do not envy people who produce a show like this, and imagining the poor dear whose job it was to go through this episode and blur Osten's butt fifty or sixty separate times is one of them. Ryan S. continues to complain that people were talking about camp when he got to shore, rather than high-fiving and enjoying the moment or whatever it is he thinks they should have been doing. "Let's jump up and down, let's give some hugs, let's do somethin'," Ryan S. complains in an interview. You know, when I was in college, there was a freshman orientation seminar where they would tell you that you should feel comfortable just standing up in the dining hall and yelling, "I want a standing ovation!" and if you do, everyone should give you one. Every year, somebody did it within the first week or so of school. Ryan S. is not the kind of kid who would actually do this, but he is the kind who would always clap and secretly think it was cool if somebody else did it. As the ever-pushier Osten directs everyone in looking for a shelter location, he interviews that he was "in game mode," and wanted to get done because "the sunrise was going down quickly." Ah, yes. Sunrisedown. It's the most beautiful time of day, really. He continues down the path of authoritarianism by imposing some kind of forced march on his teammates, running up and down the beach in search of a place to call home. Ryan S. interviews that Osten is "a big dude" who certainly wants to make sure no one misses the fact that he's got "muscles out to yay." And that's just sad, because having muscles out to yay is a beautiful thing, and Osten is going to ruin it for everyone.