...And Then There Were Four

Previously on Survivor, you know what happened. Yes, you do! And if you don't know what happened, what are you doing watching the very last episode of the season? Just so you can talk to everyone else in the office about it tomorrow morning at work? I won't indulge that! As much fun as recapping the recap of the recap -- and trying to find another joke in this chronically recycled footage -- sounds, I'll take a pass.

But, okay. Because Peachy insists, here's a brief synopsis of what has happened so far in this season: Christy warbled about her disadvantage because she was deaf and no one understood; Rob missed his calling as a lumberjack; Alex poked himself in the eye with a tree branch; Butch got bit by a dead fish; Jeanne fed the rest of the tribe her nasty balls; Shawna fell over; Janet fell apart; Ryan looked pretty; Roger annoyed everyone; Daniel sniveled; Joanna hallelujahed; Deena litigated; Davey Rockett booyahed; Matt sharpened his machete over and over and over again; Jenna was a stick figure; and HeiDDi had very large breasts. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, the gender-divided tribes were scrambled and then merged; lots of people got voted off; lots of people backstabbed each other; the alliance formed; the alliance got betrayed; and the alliance sort of came back. Got it? Good.

In therealpreviouslies, Rob loved hot dogs so much; Butch walked like an insane Egyptian; and Jenna hated every minute of being in the Amazon. HeiDDi and her giant breasts became the twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth players voted out of the Amazon. Only four remain: Matthew, Jenna, Butch, and Rob, who will tonight compete in their final immunity challenges. Two will advance to face the jury; one will outlast all the others and become the sole Survivor.

Does the Survivor insignia at the end of the credits usually trickle water like that? How is it I've never noticed before?

An orange shadowy moon. Thunder and lightning. Raindrops. The S4 return from Tribal Council on Night 36. As they work on the fire, Rob tells us that voting HeiDDi out was difficult, but that the last few days reminded him of a birthday card with a hot girl on the front and an inside greeting that read, "No matter how hot you think this girl is, somebody somewhere is sick and tired of puttin' up with her crap." As funny as that might be -- and it's questionably so at best, and only then because any snark on HeiDDi is okay by me -- it really doesn't make any sense. What kind of greeting card would it go on? The newly available "People Suck" Hallmark line?

Matthew and Butch work on the fire as Butch voice-overs that it's just like "college basketball Final Four." And it is, in the sense that there are four of them, but that's about all. In that sense, he could also say it's just like the four seasons, or the legs of a table, or the Teletubbies. He claims it's "big-time" now, and despite the miserable conditions, deep inside he's "jumpin' with joy." And based on his dancing, said "jumpin'" would involve lots of knees and elbows.

As the tribe continues to obsess over the fire, Jenna voice-overs that making the final four and being the last woman is a big deal. She tells us she's "accomplished all [her] goals and then some in this game."

Matthew congratulates Butch on successfully starting a fire without burning down the camp again. Rob announces -- as if it's a revelation -- that "somebody in this foursome is gonna win this game," and that it's really "huge." Jenna claims that she's suddenly glad still to be there, even if tomorrow she'll be happily saying goodbye.

Butch interviews that Jenna wanted to leave the night because she's been sick, but that he, Matt, and Rob voted HeiDDi out instead because she was the bigger threat. We return to the tribe, where Jenna claims that even if she doesn't win immunity the night, she's glad she got to hang out with the men; Matthew and Rob appreciate the sentiment, and then Rob adds that as much as they're adversaries in the game, they're still friends who rely on each other.

It's now Matthew's turn to state the obvious as he tells us that they have three days left, which he expects will be "straightforward." The S4 stand somberly around the fire, including a very still Matt, his arms crossed. He voice-overs that they'll send Jenna home, and then he, Butch, and Rob will face off; he proclaims, "May the best man win!" We return to the group, where Butch exclaims, "What an accomplishment!" before they do a giant, collective fist bop accompanied by a Jacke cheer.

It's morning now, and various wildlife bop, skitter, and slither along. Matthew is awake early, hacking at logs as he voice-overs that he's "kind of enjoying the whole process of demolishing [their] old shelter." Matthew likes demolition in general -- even more so when there are body parts involved. He explains that there is a sense of closure to tearing up the camp, but that he's also hoping to be able to use the leftover wood for the fire so that they'll be able to spend their last few days enjoying themselves.

The other members of the tribe are now awake, and Matt mischievously looks over at Butch and commands, "Do a little dance!" Butch responds, "When I do that, I embarrass my family." Not that it stops him. He ambles toward the center of the camp, points at Matt to make sure he has his attention, and announces that he'll "start with 'the Egyptian.'" In other words, he has a repertoire. For some reason, the sound crew thinks this display should be accompanied by emphatic honking noises. As Butch darts forward, Matthew exclaims, "Oh yeah! Oh yeah, Butch! Cuttin' it up!" Butch announces that his move is "the old 'Cut a Rug,' you know?" causing Matthew to order, "Stop, man...you're scarin' me!" And now we know his weakness -- a word to all the recap readers: should Matthew ever chase you down and attempt to use his machete to chop you up into itty bitty pieces, just walk like an Egyptian. He can't take it. Butch presses on, doing that vaudevillian dance move where you put your hands on your knees, and swing your knees back and forth, and is there a name for that dance? If there isn't, there should be. Just so it could be more easily identified as a dance you should never, ever do. Matt has overcome his horror and continues to look on in amusement before announcing, "Now there's a man with rhythm!" Rob interviews that Butch will need to see a therapist when the game is over, telling us that even Matthew thinks Butch is psychotic: "And if Matt is saying you're crazy, you are out of your frickin' mind!"

As the S4 walk away from camp in the direction of the challenge, rain comes down around them. Jenna voice-overs that she still feels sick, and that she knows she won't get better just eating manioc. While she's still there, though, she'll do everything she can to win immunity.

We see an overview of a giant maze, and the S4 wading through knee-deep swampy water, into which Jenna almost does a face plant. This episode could have used a good face plant. Peachy urges them to enter, adding, "Attaway, Butch." And aren't the words "attaway" and "Butch" just meant to be said together? Peachy points out that it's another rainy day, and that he knows they're worn out, but that they're "this close" to the end, and he doesn't want them to give up. In today's immunity challenge, the S4 will negotiate their way, blindfolded, through a maze, collecting four necklaces representing earth, wind, fire, and water. Along the way, there will be guideposts with directional arrows pointing toward each station, and they'll have to use their fingers to read the guides. As opposed to using their tongues or butts. Each time they reach a station, each of them will claim a necklace, put it around his or her neck, and follow an arrow to the station. The first person to return to the center post with all four necklaces guarantees him- or herself a spot in the final three. Peachy dramatically takes Matthew's immunity necklace away. It's important. We get it.

Peachy leers, "I'm gonna lock you in," as he commands the S4 into the maze and we see close-up shots of their blindfolded faces. As the challenge begins, the rain pouring down around them, Peachy narrates that the S4 are all "workin' very gingerly" until they "get acquainted" with the course. He calls this a "wise move." I call a "wise move" using an umbrella in a downpour. As Jenna walks into a wall, Peachy snits, "Jenna getting very acquainted with a corner of the maze!" Matthew slams into a station with his gut; shortly afterward, Jenna -- who's shorter -- takes it in the chest. Ouch. Matthew moves through the course very stiffly; he looks like the killer in the horror movie who walks and still manages to catch up to his running victim. Clearly, he's had practice mastering that posture. Peachy points out that although Matthew just got a necklace, he might not know which one he got. Meanwhile, he snits that Butch is "gettin' very familiar with the burlap." Rob stands dumbly at a station as we see Jenna claiming a water necklace. Rob eventually gets one, too. Butch, meanwhile, is "lost in Never Never Land," and muttering to himself, hoping a friendly piece of wood will whisper some advice.

As Jenna works at a guiding post, Peachy warns her to make sure she knows which arrow goes with which sign. Meanwhile, Matthew zombies his way toward her, running into her neck with his outstretched arm. Peachy zealously announces, "Matthew, tryin' to grope Jenna!" She jokes, "Quit copping a feel there, buddy!" causing Matthew to yell back, "I finally have an opportunity!" Jenna faux-gasps in response. Peachy announces that Rob is "certain where he wants to go," and I expect him to turn himself around and head straight for his own chance to grope Jenna, but instead he claims his second necklace.

It's now Butch's turn to get a piece of Jenna, and he misses the neck and the breasts, ending up with a full-on armpit. He apologizes as she kids, "Butch, you're married!" He doesn't think it's so funny and flusters, "That's all right. I know I couldn't help it!" Jenna jokingly complains that she's "gettin' groped left and right." It's a joke, anyway, until she loses the million and needs some quick lawsuit-easy cash.

Matthew and Rob intersect at a guidepost, and Rob pats Matt's back, and -- debatably -- his ass as well. Peachy cautions them to be very quiet about what they're doing as we see Matthew embracing a pole and necklace, followed immediately by Jenna, who probably heard him successfully fumbling around behind her. The guideposts, by the way, are stationed immediately in front of the necklace stations. As Jenna claims a feathered necklace, she asks, "Does anybody see me takin' this one?" Peachy announces that she indeed has her second, and she gives two happy little thumbs up. Butch still has no necklaces, leading Peachy to announce that he needs some help. Jenna responds, "All those boys need help."

At an intersection in the course, Matthew tosses Butch some advice, and Peachy marvels that they're actually working together in an individual challenge. Jenna agrees that it's not fair as Peachy rubs it in: "They're teamin' up on you, Jenna." She responds that they'll have to fight her "to the death" for it. Butch finally reaches a guidepost, while we see Matthew in the background ramming himself up against a wall. Peachy points out that although they may be working each other, they're not helping each other very much. We see mud-covered, trudging feet, as Peachy narrates, "Rob...wandering...aimlessly." Hee. Butch and Jenna cross paths again, and Peachy orders them to say hello. They do.

By this point, the S4 are all hovering around the same guideposts, probably just trying to follow one of the others to a necklace, which Jenna successfully does after overhearing Matt again. So Matthew and Jenna are tied with three necklaces each; Rob follows with two; and Butch has finally gotten one. Jenna and Matthew both race for their final necklaces, but Matthew is stalled at a guidepost before moving on his way as Peachy announces, "Matthew, movin' fast...he's smellin' something!" Dramatic music flares as Jenna surprises herself by stumbling upon the center post. While the men look tired and dismayed, Jenna insists that Peachy doesn't know how badly she needed the win. Matt finally stops fumbling at a guidepost and walks away, still wearing his blindfold. Hee.

Peachy congratulates Jenna on her "nice work," and concludes from her win that anything can happen. She's safe from the vote, while the others are "fair game." He'll see them at tonight's Tribal Council.

A reflection of the Jacke flag takes us to the real Jacke flag on Day 37. The S4 stomp back to camp, led by an invigorated Jenna, who marvels that it's always a surprise to find the camp in one piece. Rob interviews that he, Matthew, and Butch had a plan, and that Jenna's winning immunity threw everything into chaos. Matt laments, "Um, I couldn't, my problem was -- I was tryin' to find earth." Hee. He's still trying to find earth, as far as I'm concerned. Rob tells us that he bit off all his fingernails and doesn't know what to do, because it's a very scary time in the game for him. We then see Matthew and Rob begging to launder Jenna's stinky socks for her. She declines before telling us in an interview that she really needed immunity, it felt great, and now the others will have to change their plans.

As the S4 scurry around camp, Matt explains that he doesn't know how Jenna feels about the voting order, or how things will unfold. He anticipates "a lot of negotiations" this evening. The first of said negotiations begins as Butch approaches Jenna, who openly says she doesn't know what to do. She asks what he's thinking, and he "I guess"es his way through responding that he'd like to be in the final three. Jenna hears him out as he stutters along, positing that the others are talking about the decision right now, and they'll probably pick him. Except he says it like this: "But I could tell ya. I'd say they're probably gon' talk up. Say, well, who we gonna git? And they'll probably say Butch." I just translated it for you.

We join Matt and Rob's conversation as they're pretty much saying exactly that. Matthew urges Rob to let him know if Jenna approaches him about voting against him, and Rob matter-of-factly responds that if Jenna is going to vote for Matt, then they'll just vote for Butch, who will vote for Rob, in which case Butch will still go. Rob interviews that he and Matt talked through all the scenarios, and agreed that they had to vote for Butch. Actually, Rob proposed they had to vote for Butch, and Matthew agreed because that's the way their relationship works. "Owner and pet," by the way, cleaned up on last week's recap poll. Rob and Matt talk some more about how Butch is going no matter what, and that the two of them will make the final three -- along with Jenna. This conversation would be much more interesting if it didn't turn out to be exactly what happens.

We return to Jenna, who asks which of the other two guys Butch would most like to see voted off, but he'd rather she answer that question first, since he's the one asking for help. She'd like to see Rob go, because he screwed her, and he's a bad screw. Well, I added that last part, but I don't imagine his neurosis works much in his favor in the bedroom. Jenna points out that she and Butch have never wronged each other, and that's all they have to go on at this point in the game. Butch earnestly says, "If you would stand by that, I would really appreciate it." She says she does stand by it, before completely qualifying the statement by adding "right now." Butch stutters his appreciation some more and then adds, "Here I am? Asking you? And I'm a fifty-one-year-old guy and a twenty-one-year-old girl." I'm impressed -- it's hard to be both at once. They enthuse over being a team of the youngest and the oldest, and Butch is excited. Jenna assures him that he has no reason to feel nervous. Unless he's nervous that she might vote him out, that is, which is her exact intention.

Rob begs Matt not to screw him over, and Mat responds that he's doing his best to come up with a plan that keeps both their best interests in mind. He then voice-overs that Rob is in "real trouble," explaining that he doesn't have great relationships with either Jenna or Butch, and that his only real relationship in the game is with "yours truly." He brags, "So I'm the only guy who can really keep him going in this game." Matthew urges Rob to trust him, and vows to do his best to "work that deal."

HeiDDi needs help climbing down from her place on the jury bleachers. She congratulates Matt and Jenna and says, "I understand that the two of you are trying to outdo each other here," but since she's part of the jury and is "deciding [their] fate," she'd like to know if there's a person on the jury who is more deserving. If they don't feel that way, it's fine, in which case they should explain why they themselves are more deserving. As a steely-faced Rob looks on, Matthew says he deserves his seat. He was an amazing strategist, and Matthew's in debt to him forever because without Rob and "without his...I would even call it tutelage," there's no way he'd be there today. If he'd won the immunity, Rob would be to him, and Rob deserves it more than Jenna. Jenna says that, "unfortunately," she'll have to echo Matthew and go with Rob. She says that when it game down to "strategical gameplay and just general wealth of knowledge of the game, Rob has all that encompassed into one." In a hysterical moment, HeiDDi twitches and says, "I mean, just, I think that -- is that the only person?" Rob covers his face and looks away as a near-laughing Peachy says, "I think they covered it. Yeah." HeiDDi fidgets some more, and agrees.

One of Jenna's responses concerned Deena, who points out that Jenna said Matt shouldn't be there because he doesn't need the money, and asks whether Jenna really thinks their votes should be judged on need and not the way they've played the game. Jenna thinks need should come into it, because that's how she would vote if she were on the jury. So, in other words, because she would vote that way, the others should, too. Deena then says that Matt "very boldly and very clearly stated" a few Tribal Councils ago, "May the best man win." ["Actually, it was 'every man for himself.' -- Wing Chun] Deena was offended, and doesn't know if Jenna was, but thinks it was "a load of hooey." Matthew doesn't remember saying it, but if he did, he "completely regret[s] it." He laughs as he says he's not a chauvinist, and that he's happy Deena pointed it out. Still, he acknowledges that the comment may have reflected his belief that the men had it "all locked up."

Christy stretches as Peachy grins and lowers his head. Peachy loves himself some Christy. She asks Matt what his initial reaction was to finding out he was competing "with a deaf woman like" her. Matthew claims that his reaction was, "You were gonna be, really, just like everyone else." He says he didn't treat her any differently. She further questions whether his opinion of her changed when he found out she was deaf, and he responds that it didn't, adding, "I thought you had a funky accent, that's all." Christy "found it very fascinating" when Jenna said she was handicapped by her beauty. Christy chokes up as she explains that she wonders how that was a handicap, and that she's never heard such a statement "outside of [sic] the real world." Jenna doesn't know if she ever used the word "handicap," but Christy -- and the rest of the viewing population -- remembers quite clearly. Jenna claims she was directly responding to a question about perceptions, and that she didn't mean to compare it to Christy's experiences as a deaf woman. Christy's not having it, and further questions whether Jenna really felt "that [she has] had a handicap because [she's] beautiful." Jenna immediately responds that she didn't mean it like that, but because she was twenty-one "and attractive-looking, and being a swimsuit model," people judge her as unintelligent, not tough, and unable to think for herself.

Davey Rockett grins and says, "Evening," before asking, "What modern influential leader have you emulated during this game, and what qualities do you feel, from that individual, that you've shown best?" Davey Rockett explains that he's looking for common characteristics between the S2 and their role models, but really he's just showing that he can use the word "emulated" in a sentence. Matt responds "Colin Powell," while Alex makes a face of disbelief. He claims that "his whole concept of versatility" was a critical factor in his success. Jenna thinks it's "a really great, great question," but that she can't think of a modern leader that she emulated because chooses to emulate people that she knows really well -- "not just what I see on TV or read." She cites both her parents as role models, but mostly her mother because of her fight and strength, which she says are too very important qualities both in the game and in real life. Davey Rockett is very satisfied by the answer.

Peachy advises the jury to "take a moment and think about it," as the soundtrack grunts. Jenna and Matthew sit with their chins in their hands, looking like six-year-olds who were just informed that they couldn't go outside to play today.

Another full moon. This episode has more moons than the one in which Jenna and HeiDDi took their clothes off. Matthew and Jenna have yet another chance to address the jury; haven't they said enough already? Matthew realizes that he's lied and been deceptive, and he now knows that it's part of the game. He doesn't "belong on a pedestal" because he's lied and betrayed, and he's realized that he doesn't have the integrity or moral character that he preaches. Still, he's played the game to the best of his ability, learned a lot along the way, and that's all.

Jenna thanks the jury for "really poking and prodding" with their questions, because they gave her a chance to look back at things she's done in the game that she'd forgotten or wanted to put out of her mind. She might not be the "strongest person to cut down all the trees," but she put in work at camp and during the challenges. She claims that when it came down to saving her own butt, she did it through her determination, and she was really proud of herself.

Peachy reminds the jury that the voting is different: tonight they're voting for the winner. He reiterates, "So, Matthew and Jenna, you want your name written down tonight."

Butch congratulates both Jenna and Matthew and is proud to have known them. As he votes for Matt, he appreciates his honesty in admitting that he lied and deceived. It meant a lot to him. He says, "Matthew, you are the true Survivor of Survivor 6."

Alex grins in the voting booth, and Deena stares down the camera. We don't see their picks.

HeiDDi tosses her hair back and whispers that she's voting for Jenna because she adores and loves her, and because Jenna played the game hard. She says "more importantly," Jenna was the only one HeiDDi could trust and respect under the most adverse circumstances. She wraps it up, "Good luck, girl."

Christy removes the pen lid and prolongedly winces at the camera. We don't see her vote.

We don't see Davey Rockett's either, but we do see him try to sneak a peek inside the voting urn.

Rob votes for a person who showed the will and determination to make it to the final two. He says he'll give credit where is due: there are only two players in this entire game that he didn't vote off. Huh? Is he patting himself on the back?

So the voting is done, and although Peachy would "love to read these votes right now," he'd rather hop on a jetski and zip on over to Manhattan, where they votes will be revealed. Jenna covers her face as if it's a surprise, while Matthew looks uncomfortable. Peachy self-importantly heads down the Tribal Council steps, and hops onto said Skidoo. He zooms it around in a circle, his Old Navy cargo pants billowing in the wind. We see a last shot of the Tribal Council, and the nervous Jenna and Matthew.

Clouds roll, and suddenly Peachy is racing his jetski through an open ocean and past a huge red steamer ship. He zooms up to the Manhattan skyline and crosses under a bridge as the audience -- who are presumably watching this on a screen -- cheers. Yay! Peachy can ride a jetski! Patriotic music plays as he jetskis right up to the Statue of Liberty, which he surprisingly does not salute. He then zips his jetski around and continues on his way to the dock, executing a fancy jump in the process. More skyline footage. Racing cars. Day turns to night. Peachy -- rolling up his sleeve and clutching the urn -- arrives at a subway station while the audience laughs and cheers. He slips onto a train at the last minute, looking very haggard. Subway lighting doesn't do anyone any favors. A woman in a purple beret stares at him and his urn. As he gets off the train and comes up the steps, it starts raining, and there are droplets on the camera lens. He arrives at the Late Show with David Letterman theater, and the crowd is on their feet to his arrival.

Peachy struts up onto the stage as the camera scans the hooting crowd. A graphic reads "Jenna's family," but they're just showing us Peachy. Probably, Jenna's family members have gone into the witness protection program. And there's Richard Hatch!

Peachy wants to "get to it." He "hello"s them like Newman from Seinfeld, and points out that the jury is looking good. It's been a great season, but it's time to ruin it. Actually, he says it's time to close it, but that it's the same thing in this case. He credits Rob for saying it best: the season started as a battle of the sexes and it's only fitting for it to end the same way. It was a long thirty-nine days, but you don't get to the final two without doing something right. Or terribly wrong, in the cases of many. Jenna looks like Miss Parker from The Pretender. (In real life, her name is Andrea Parker. I just looked it up.) Matthew, meanwhile, looks...well, spiky.

Before he reads the votes, though, Peachy wants to do something different: he wants to check in and see how confident the S2 feel. He asks Matthew, of the seven jury members, how many people's votes he expects to receive. Spiky Mathew thinks he'll have two votes for him and five against, which he says is "not very optimistic." As we'll all find out momentarily, it turns out to be overoptimistic, if anything. The audience laughs and then trails into booing while Jenna shakes her head. Matthew further says that Butch and Christy probably voted for him, while Rob is the wild card. Jenna hopes that Alex and HeiDDi voted for her, but thinks the most votes went to Matt. Peachy says that they're being "humble," while they hug each other, laugh, and look disturbingly snuggly.

Peachy announces that he'll read the votes and -- again -- they want to see their names. In addition to a Saturn Ion (one of which Matthew already won), they also get "bragging rights" and "a little thing about the million dollars that comes with it." I'm not sure Jenna needs any more "bragging rights."

There are seven votes inside the urn, so four are needed to win. Matthew and Jenna continue looking cozy. He has his arm around her, and she rests her head on his shoulder. He then rubs her back, and she makes a fuss of placing his hand in hers. Why do they look like a couple in love? Ew. Peachy tells them to "get settled" as they continue to settle themselves.

The first vote for Matthew receives audience applause. Jenna watches him lovingly while he shakes his head. The second vote for Jenna is read as someone screams loudly in the audience. A surprised-looking Jenna receives two more votes in succession as Matthew nods his head and tries to look like this was exactly what he expected. Peachy stares at the vote for a long time before announcing, "The winner of Survivor: Amazon..." It's Jenna! It's Jenna? It's Jenna! (When you read those three please do so with the following inflections: "It's Jenna!" #1: shock; "It's Jenna?" #2: disbelief; "It's Jenna!" #3: fury). Matthew hugs Jenna, who is crying. Peachy dodges her kiss. Hee. The S16 and jury members pile onto the stage and try to look happy for her. We see a quick shot of Jenna's family, who don't look all that happy; after all, she was spoiled silly before, what will they have to deal with now? Ryan and Daniel can't wait for the chance to hug her because they never got a chance to in the Outback. Shots of the S16 alternate with close-ups of people in the audience we don't know.

Peachy comes to the foreground of the stage and asks, "How. Did. This. Happen?" He further clarifies by asking how a "spoiled twenty-one-year-old swimsuit model [got] all six votes?" He throws the other votes into the air as he calls the contest a "landslide" and "the biggest vote in Survivor history." He points out that Jenna even got Christy's vote, and we see a shot of her "freakin' evil stepsisters" comments. Peachy then promises us that we'll soon hear from Rob, "the smartest player to never win," and also how Matthew feels to have received only one vote. We'll also find out whether Matthew's really "nuts or was it an act?" Peachy tells us that we're live from Manhattan, and the reunion show is coming up. And coming soon to a recap. And here's a happy Joanna: Rudy's there! Yay Rudy!