Gender Bender

Last week on Survivor, Robb strangled Clay and then yodeled about it. Since the throttling wasn't quite confrontational enough, he also expressed an interest in spitting in Clay's face. Ted and Grindia got "a little too close for comfort" when Ted thought he was sleeping with his wife. But what was Grindia's excuse? Despite all the ass-eye-punching conflict, Chuay Gahn prevailed in both challenges. In Sook Jai's first Tribal Council, the tribe delegated the job of leaving the tribe to Jed. Thirteen are left. Who will be the final Survivor?

Thanks to all of you who responded to my plea for information on the perfect, sandballing crabs. Although I personally prefer the "it gives them a sense of purpose" rationale suggested by one of the readers, the correct answer is that these "sand bubbler crabs" feed on minute organic particles in the sand. They then roll the processed and filtered sand away from their holes, thus filling the beach with tiny balls. Hee. Tiny balls. In any case, you guys sure know your crab balls!

We open the show on Night 9 as long-faced Sook Jai members return from Tribal Council. Robb snidely inquires as to whether the others are happy with their decision (to vote Jed off), and Jake dodges the question by responding that he wasn't happy to get home so late in the evening. Shii Devil, who received three votes, didn't enjoy hearing her name called. Although it wasn't completely unexpected, it still felt icky. Robb thought he'd at least get one vote, what with the throttling and all. In an interview, he tells us he was shocked by the results of the vote because he thought Shii Devil was the tribe's choice; it demonstrates that nothing is "set in stone out here." While Jake echoes the same sentiment, Penny says she doesn't want to go through another Tribal Council; she wants to "literally kick ass" in the challenges. It's a good thing she's on Robb's team, since he's the most likely of the S13 to engage in a literal ass-kicking. Also, Penny wants to show Chuay Gahn that Pennys aren't quitters! In an interview, Penny explains that she voted for Jed in keeping with the majority's decision. In other words, she mindlessly followed the popular choice. She complains that Jed was trying to "run the show" and refused to take advice from anyone. In short, she thinks the others made a good decision; she's glad she didn't bother to make a decision of her own. Lightning. Thunder. Rain. We see that Stephanie remains insistent on sleeping outside, while the rest of the tribe stays dry under the shelter. Clearly, she's learned her lesson from Jed: stubborn standoffishness leads to incredible success in this game.

Morning dawns on Day 10, and we're still at Sook Jai. Penny gathers wood while a seated, hooded Stephanie glares at her. When Penny wishes Stephani a good morning, Stephanie doesn't respond. In an interview, she growls, "They got rid of Jed. Piss on 'em." Really, she's delightful. She explains that she was shocked by the tribe's decision; she doesn't think -- as difficult as the game is -- that they should be getting rid of the people making the biggest contributions. I think that if you asked the other remaining, thinking members of Sook Jai, they'd agree with Stephanie. Hence, the ouster of Jed. (Robb's vote is discounted, since he doesn't qualify as a "thinking " member of the tribe. Throttling? Yes. Thinking? No.)

While the rest of the tribe works together, feeding little sticks into the fire, flies swarm around washed-up squid on the tribe's beach. Shii Devil explains that they were waiting for the tide to go out before looking for food, but that Stephanie happened upon the scene. We see Stephanie return to camp, throws the squid in a pot, and stomp away, hence christening herself Stompanie. Stompanie, by the way, has a really strange manner of speaking. And dressing, for that matter. She's got the whole Laura Ingalls Wilder crossed with Mr. Miyagi thing going on. She snarls that she doesn't understand the whining about hunger when there's food right there "in front of their face." Do these S16 have a particular problem with the concept of singular versus plural? Seven tribe members have seven faces. It's not hard. Stompanie scornfully says, "They just disgust me!"

As the rest of the tribe continues to fuss around the pots, Shii Devil suggests that they use the largest pot only for boiling water. Moments after the decision has been made, Stompanie arrives bearing more squid. Jake expresses surprise, and Stompanie snits, "You guys must not even be lookin' -- they're layin' [sic] right here in front of you!" When Jake counters that they've been busy attending to the pots, she responds, "All of you? All five of you?" As she begins to toss the squid into the big pot, Shii Devil blocks her hand and minorly freaks out. Stompanie inquires where they want her to put the squid, for once not sounding completely pissed off, but Shii Devil gets all head shaky and eye roll-y anyway. I'm no Stompanie fan, but how was she supposed to know they'd decided to keep the big pot fish-free? In an interview, Shii Devil says she doesn't understand Stompanie's problem. She says that Stompanie claims to do all the work and thinks they're all idiots; Shii Devil insists that both beliefs are untrue. Stompanie only does most of the work, and just some of them are idiots. Shii Devil fails to note the irony in the fact that Stompanie has befriended the only unquestionable moron in the tribe: Robb. Shii Devil laments Stompanie's unexplained hatred toward the rest of the tribe. Jake doesn't know what Stompanie's deal is either; he says that she hasn't wanted to be part of the tribe since the beginning.

Now we join Stompanie as she complains to Robb that while the others were working on the fire "or whatever the hell they're doing," the squid could have washed away. She compares the tribe's abilities to the joke about screwing in a lightbulb, and asks how many people it really takes. Stompanie, along with Jed, has an inherent dislike of the concept of teamwork. Which is probably exactly why Mark Burnett picked her for this show. The squid, by now, has turned into calamari as Erin tells us that no one wants Stompanie around because of her bad attitude. If she were Stompanie, she says, she'd stop being so grumpy and focus on trying to fit in. Also, if she were Stompanie, she could finally see her own toes. We leave the tribe with a shot of dejected Stompanie sitting with her head in her hands.

Over at Chuay Gahn, we stare into the fire's embers. Helen eats while Clay waves smoke out of his face. In honor of Halloween, some stuffed bat decorations hang in the corner of the cave. Except it's not Halloween in Thailand, but I'll still be damned if those are real bats. Jan tells us that they are tired and on-edge since the incident between Ted and Grindia; she claims their mood has mellowed. She explains that it's an unspoken Chuay Gahn rule not to speak of it again. As much as that qualifies as an explanation, anyway. Jan's hair is down from its standard afro puffs, and Farah Fawcett curls have settled in. And who ever thought I'd write the words "Jan" and "Farah Fawcett" in the same sentence? As she bemoans the lack of joviality around camp, she enunciates her words exactly as you might expect from a grade-school teacher. Which is to be expected, since she is a grade-school teacher. There's no good explanation why Helen sounds exactly the same while reading the clue aloud later on.

One little crab frolics in the surf; then a different kind of little crab gets washed over by the tide. Neither scuttles. Neither makes perfect little sandballs. A close-up of Grindia brushing her teeth with her finger and sand is completely unnecessary and gross. Grindia rubs sand into her front teeth; Grindia opens wide and rubs sand into her back teeth; Grindia rubs sand into her gums; Grindia spits sand into the ocean. Who needs to see that? But then I've got an oral non-fixation, hence my issues with people like Jed and Carol who select dentistry as their chosen profession. Ted does flabby sit-ups as Grindia voice-overs that his behavior lately has been "absolutely asinine." Those are some big words coming from the same person last week who threatened to punch a man's ass in the eye. She says that if Ted really wanted to let their conflict go, "then it would be good," but doesn't bother to mention that as soon as he does let it go, she plans to bring it up again with a vengeance. Grindia complains that Ted is "settin' a [sic] atmosphere" wherein no one laughs when she's around. You'd think she'd be happy about that, considering the mocking laughter that must usually accompany her. Grindia shreds a coconut with her teeth and bits of it fly around. It's very cartoon beaver-esque. And I do apologize if I've just somehow merged the concepts of "Grindia" and "beaver" in your mind. Grindia thinks that Ted is dealing with his anger by ignoring her, as opposed to by punching trees and screaming obscenities. She admits that it's his choice, but she resents that the other members of the tribe are now adopting the same approach. She concludes, "I feel like as a body...if Chuay Gahn was [sic] a body, that I'm the arm that got bit off by a shark, and now it's not there no more." Grindia joins the others, who are eating; only Jan looks up. Ted shoots Grindia a dirty sideways glance, and then tells us in an interview that he doesn't talk to, look at, or do anything with Grindia. Certainly, he doesn't grind her anymore. Initially, he thought she was a nice person, but when she tried to "exploit" his family and damage his name and character, he developed a different outlook. He concludes, "As far as I'm considered [sic], she's non-existent." As far as he's "considered"? Ted tells us that, in his mind, only five people exist in the tribe, and he hopes never to see Grindia again in his life once the game is over. He concludes, "I really can't stand her." He can, however, grind her.

The men float in the water while Ted insists that if he'd been cuddled up with Clay or Brian, he probably would have ground his body against them, too. Clay says he would have waited until morning and then dealt with the problem, but somehow I don't see that. I see lots of bug-eyed incomprehensible warbling. But anyway. In an interview, Clay tells us that he didn't like Grindia from the start. He thought, "This is a problem woman," and hoped she wouldn't be on his tribe. In short, he saw "a lot of trouble with Ghandia." The Trouble with Ghandia has a nice ring to it: yet another potential movie title. Clay admits that he rethought his initial impression of Grindia a few days into the experience, but then, "Nutty buddy, did the blood come forth!" In an interview, he says, "Do I feel sorry for Ghandia? Hell no!" He's ready to get "her ass back in Denver," and they can't get a jet there fast enough to take her away. Grindia sings that there's "so much love," and that she can feel it "just oozin' out all the pores of the cave" while the others look on, more irritated than amused. She says, "These six self-sacrificing people commune together in this cave," and insists that "it's just a big love-fest." She insists that even when people don't talk to you, they're trying to teach you a lesson, and that's a form of love, too. One could argue that grinding is also just another form of expressing one's love, but one would be wrong. Helen looks dismayed.

More group floating. Helen voice-overs that she worked for a rape-crisis center for many years, and that she believes Grindia's story. She doesn't believe Ted's side, but thinks that "Ted wants to believe Ted's side." She says that the boys will also believe Ted, and that there's a "conflict of understanding" between the sexes. As she points out that Grindia may have given Ted the wrong impression "by being as free as she is," a nude, pixilated, Homer Simpson-esque shape stalks along a path in the background. Helen doesn't think any of Grindia's behavior excused Ted's act, though. She insists, "Somewhere in the middle, there, lies the truth," and obviously just likes the sound of the statement, since she doesn't seem to think the truth lies in the middle at all. Jan prattles on about her calendar; she knows that it's Day 10, but has no clue what day of the week it is. She doesn't appear to realize that she could, by counting backward, figure that out. She's too busy being amazed that they're "still alive." I'm kind of amazed that Jan's still alive too.

It's now the day. A green snake slithers around, followed by a shot of a bird flying, followed by a close-up of a chain link. Tinkly music plays as Clay tells us that when he first found a dummy at the treemail site, he wondered what was going on. He says he tried to lift it and haul it back to camp, but that it was a "big old dummy," and that "you didn't drag that thing." He thinks it weighs several hundred pounds, which is several hundred more than Clay weighs. He's confused over the challenge as he exclaims, "My God! Part of it I can't git!" Helen tells us in an interview that Clay returned to camp with a bruised-looking, nasty banana; still, it looked like heaven to her. Clay tosses the banana to Ted, who tosses it to Helen, who totally freaks out because it might hit the ground. And then who wants it? Helen reads the clue, which is written on a scroll, with an excruciatingly painful delivery. In short, it reveals that they have a new tribe member who's "big and lazy." Hey! Big Tom's comin' back! The clue further reveals that the dummy will compete in the challenge, and instructs them to dress the dummy up and name it because "he may help get good stuff to eat." Grindia wants to look in the bag Clay's carrying, but Clay can't contain himself and shrieks, "There's a dummy over there!" Ted says, "What dummy?" Clay eagerly responds that it's around the corner, but he can't carry it himself and needs some help. Ted says, "You lie," and bug-eyed Clay warbles, "I swear to God there's a dummy over there! Big as your ass!" The tribe is interested in seeing a dummy as big as Ted's ass, and Grindia is interested in punching that dummy's ass in the eye.

Meanwhile, some of the members of Sook Jai have also discovered their dummy and carried it back to camp. They have a very serious discussion about the dummy's gender and insist that they have to decide before naming it. Or, they could just give it a name like "Leslie" or "Jamie." Jake thinks they treat the dummy like a "he," but Erin thinks it would be easier to make it a girl because of the purple material. They tie a buff around the dummy's head, and then stand around looking bothered and indifferent.

Chuay Gahn enthusiastically faces the same decision. After discovering that they've been given a grass skirt and some orange paint, they decide that the dummy will be a girl named "Chuay Gal." As we alternate between the tribes, we see that Erin thinks their dummy should be a pirate, because "that's what this island's about, or whatever." Shii Devil suggests "Blackbeard," but no one reacts. Jake thinks they need a "big, strong warrior name" and Robb suggests "Ghengis." Shii Devil has to add "Khan" to this, to prove she knows his last name. Jake adds, "Ghengis from Afghanistan," but pronounces it "Jengis," which is the only funny part of the statement.

Meanwhile, Chuay Gal is well on her way. The others compliment Brian on his fingernail-painting skills, and he responds that they just have to "let [their] creativity flow," which is likely what the director said to him on the sets of The Pleasure Zone and Passion Cove. And I've just noticed that "Heidik" is an unfortunate surname for a porn star. Or fortunate, I guess, depending on which way you look at it. And according to the Internet Movie Database, in addition to having starred in several pornographic movies, he actually played the character "Porno Actor" in a 1995 episode of Dream On. Not to mention "Pool Man" in an episode of Melrose Place. But back to the dummy. The other dummy. The tribe has painted Chuay Gal, and dressed her in a coconut-shell bra. Ghandia is excited because the dummy looks like Madonna. But I bet it's Madonna who feels like a dummy right around now. Swept Away, anyone?

Back at Sook Jai, Stompanie sketches a design for the dummy while Shii Devil looks on. Now Stompanie paints the dummy while Shii Devil looks on. There's a pattern to this. I just know there is. In an interview, Shii Devil says that it was "interesting" to decorate the dummy, because Stompanie did all the work. "Interesting" is Shii Devil's equivalent of Brian's "quite." Shii Devil further explains that Stompanie refused the help of the rest of the tribe, and complains that it wasn't a team effort. She names the members of the tribe who didn't help, and it's pretty much all of them except Robb. In this interview, Shii Devil is wearing a lavender shirt to complement what appears to be lavender eye shadow. She admits that the dummy looks great, but insists that it wasn't a team effort. Ken is obsessed with the meaning of the banana, as he pensively asks, "What the hell's the deal was with the banana? Why a banana?" I'm glad he's not a detective. He explains that they have two reasons to want to win, one of which would be, "We don't want to die!" He also thinks the tribe needs a morale-booster. Stephanie has drawn black scales up and down the purple torso of the dummy. It may or may not be intended to look like armor. Genghis Kahn's grass skirt looks more like errant pubic hair, and he's just hairy in general, with a mustache and goatee. He's also rather toothy. Jed would have liked him.

As the tribes arrive at the challenge site, we see that Chuay Gal is more colorful and creatively attired than Ghengis Kahn. Of course, Ghengis Kahn has more important things to worry about, what with the raping and pillaging and all. He has no time for flowers and hair bows, never mind arm patches. And why does Chuay Gal have arm patches, anyway?

The tribes arrive on a small island, where Peachy awaits them. Robb boastfully reveals that Sook Jai has created a warrior, but purple spats aren't very Ghengis Kahn-like. Clay is also proud of Chuay Gal, and Grindia takes the opportunity to complain that she's "a bit lazy, though." This buys right into Peachy's set-up: he explains that today's challenge is all about carrying the weight of tribe members who can't do it for himself. The S13 will race around the island, while carrying the 250-lb. dummy. First, they will make their way along the shoreline before hitting their first major obstacle halfway through the course: a rope, which they will use to drag themselves and the dummy up a steep hill, taking them to the other side of the island. Peachy says that "once [they're] over the hill" (so Jan and Jake have a head start), they will navigate the dummy along a rocky shore, through an archway, and back around to the course's starting point. The first tribe back -- with the dummy, of course -- wins the reward. As Peachy explains, we see that the dummies are huddled together with their heads on each others' shoulders -- even they are embarrassed to be here. Peachy reveals that they're competing for the season's first food reward. He stands beside a large sheathed object and dramatically unveils a rack filled with many, many bunches of bananas. The tribes look confused and try to muster enthusiasm. Bananas, fine. They won't get leg cramps. But what about the chocolate and the pizza? What about the Mountain Dew? Peachy promises that there are enough bananas to "last a long time;" some, in fact, are ripe and ready to eat immediately. He encourages the winners to rub the prize directly into the faces of the losers by digging in immediately following the challenge. Additionally, he promises a mystery reward awaiting them back at camp. Clay whispers sweet nothings in Chuay Gal's ear. Literal sweet nothings since, unless she's from the deep South, she probably can't understand a word he says. Meanwhile, Ted manages to refrain from grinding her. Seriously, Chuay Gal might have solved all of Chuay Gahn's problems had she arrived a few days sooner and taken the spot to Ted in the shelter. Sook Jai chooses to sit out Shii Devil, who seems to sit out every other challenge -- as many as possible, since no competitor can sit out two in a row.

The race begins, and Robb chooses to tackle rather than strangle the dummy. Sook Jai runs while Chuay Gahn takes the slow and steady approach. Robb assumes the role of Sook Jai's leader, and who let that happen? When they arrive at the rope, the tribes are side by side. While her tribe attempts to climb up, Jan hangs on the back of the rope and hopes they don't notice they're pulling her up, as well. Sook Jai emerges ahead, and then throws its dummy down the hill. The show would be far more interesting if they did the same with their lagging tribemates. Stompanie is busting her ass for Sook Jai; she slides down a hill, wipes out, conks her head on a tree branch, and falls again, rolling under the heavy dummy. That can't have felt good. Then Jake falls in exactly the same place. Jake has the uncanny ability to repeat both words and pratfalls. Penny complains that she's getting tired, but puts it on Jake by yelling that he needs a break. That's not very Penny-like behavior. By now, Robb and Ken appear to be bearing most of the weight of Sook Jai's dummy. Behind them, Chuay Ghan attempts to hustle, but they're substantially lacking in manpower. Clay is red-faced while Jan just carries a foot. Jake also carries a foot, which is a lot, maybe, since Ken only has an arm? Now both tribes are on the beach, and Helen takes a bad fall, landing on her back on the rocky beach, but no one helps her up. Shii Devil cheers on her tribe as they approach the finish line with, "You guys rock!" Chuay Gahn at least tries to finish strong, making Sook Jai look bad for giving up last week. Not that Sook Jai needs help looking bad. Although they do manage to applaud Chuay Gahn for completing the challenge. And no spittle is involved! Peachy pronounces Sook Jai the winning tribe as Ted collapses on the dummy; Jan wanders over and looks envious of the comfy spot. Peachy points out Sook Jai's bananas and encourages them to "partake if [they] like right now." Robb wants "the first good one," but the camera would rather focus on Erin as she bites into the banana. Jake, meanwhile, is too busy trying not to die to enjoy his prize. Sook Jai continues to eats bananas while Chuay Gahn look on in dismay. Most of Chuay Gahn, anyway. Jan just grins away because bananas sure are funny-looking fruit! Peachy advises Sook Jai to "take [their] bananas and get on outta" there.

Back at Chuay Gahn, Ted wrings out his undies and hangs them from a stone. So okay, I'm not absolutely certain it's undies, but undies-washing is funnier than just about any other thing he might be washing. Clay complains in an interview that they were beaten "pretty good" because Grindia and Jan gave up halfway through the course. Ted then tells the other men that "homegirl got heavier and heavier and heavier," because they were both pushing and pulling. He says he was like, "Come on, Chuay Girls." Clay points out that both Ted and Brian mentioned Grindia's using the dummy to pull herself up the hill. He explains that they had to change positions around the dummy because they "didn't have a chance in hell" with Grindia hanging off the back. As the bitchfest continues, Brian points out that Grindia didn't have the right shoes on. This is preceded by a close-up of Ted's marching sandals, so I'm not sure where they're going with this; either we're supposed to notice that Ted is also wearing inappropriate footwear, or we're supposed to mistake his feet for Grindia's. Brian explains that one of Grindia's shoes fell off, and so she was just hanging on and unable to contribute to the effort.