“ The night-vision camera pans over the sleeping tribe members, two of whom are spooning. Most likely it's two local Thai people flipped a fiver by Mark Burnett to lie there for thirty seconds -- but clearly we're supposed to think it's Ghandia and Ted. ”
Previously on Survivor, Sook Jai was a "tribe divided," and Helen and Jan were a couple of "lost old biddies." Okay, the "old biddies" part comes from me, not Just Peachy. Sook Jai won both challenges, and Robb shrieked in an unappealing way. Incidentally, we should all ready ourselves for Robb to continue to do everything in an unappealing way. In Chuay Gahn's second Council, the tribe spoke to Tanya.
Credits: dancing shadows; pretty buildings; tinkle, tinkle, paddle, paddle, paddle; buoyant breasts; pierced tongue; spastic monkey; slithery snake. Credits.
This week, we're treated to entirely new camera work with the opening moments of the show. Nothing races or flows or scuttles; instead, three shadowy half-moons converge into one substantial half-moon. It's fan-cee! Spiders swarm, quite like the ants of Survivors past. It's just as icky.
It's now Night Six at Chuay Gahn. Clay tells us that although they've lost two immunities and one reward, they're still a happy family. He says they understand and like each other's personalities, and claims that they "didn't clash, they clicked." Later, we'll learn a more suitable description: not clashing, or clicking, but grinding. A night-vision shot shows Ted and Ghandia having a conversation about the natural color of her eyes. She's quick to say she's not wearing contacts and claims, "They ain't brown." They look brown to me on the website, so I'm confused. In an interview, Ghandia tells us how happy she is to have Ted on her team. This is the longest she's been away from her husband, who's her "best friend, [her] homeboy -- everything to [her]." Ghandia and Ted snuggle up together, and Ghandia slides her arm through his arm. The camera ominously closes in on Ted's hand patting Ghandia's arm, but it's her head on his shoulder. Ghandia further explains that Ted "brings that home" to her; she feels like her husband is there with her "chillin'." He's "good to hug" and "just cool." The Survivor Singers aah and sigh, because they know Ted won't be "good to hug" and "just cool" for much longer. The night-vision camera pans over the sleeping tribe members, two of whom are spooning. You can't tell which two -- most likely it's two local Thai people flipped a fiver by Mark Burnett to lie there for thirty seconds -- but clearly we're supposed to think it's Ghandia and Ted.
Family Values
“ Jake tells us that the members of Sook Jai are trying to figure out how to work the net. It's a net, people, not a VCR. ”
Morning dawns, and dew falls from a spiky branch on Day Seven at Sook Jai. New, curious-sounding music plays -- more gong-y than tinkly. Stephanie -- who apparently didn't learn her lesson last week -- is still sleeping out by the fire while her colorfully rain-coated and peeved-looking tribe members huddle inside the shelter. ["And she's barefoot. In the rain. Now, that's Surviving!" -- Wing Chun] Robb voice-overs that he's never felt weaker in his life. Fatigued and drained, he complains that none of the tribe members has the energy to do anything. Certainly Jake's feet don't have the energy to do anything, as a close-up reveals that they are, in his words, "blistered all to heck," and "peeling off." No fears: it's not the feet that are literally peeling off, but the skin is, and that's gross enough. A further close-up shows Jake stripping the skin off a nasty blister in order to reveal the raw skin beneath. It's boil-worthy, really, and it's the biggest blister Erin's ever seen! In an interview, Shii Devil tells us that the members of Sook Jai are terrible campers and outdoorsmen, and that they're starving. She looks down at herself in awe and says, "Look at me. I'm, like, Ally McBeal-size." She kind of had to start out that way, though. If you didn't feed me for seven days, I'd look pretty much the same, and by "the same," I don't mean anything at all like Ally McBeal.
Penny speaks! She explains that they haven't been successful using the fishing net, and she doesn't know if they've been doing something wrong, because it hasn't been rewarding for them. The Pennys of the world are used to fish jumping into their nets. And of course it's not rewarding: they don't know how to use it! Jed and Stephanie wade in the surf as they drag the net behind them. Penny then randomly tells us that she'd like a big plate of cheese and crackers. She'd also like some soap to wash off the cheesy red "I heart you" she's written on her chest. Since there's no accompanying name, we should all just assume that Penny hearts the entire viewing audience. Jake tells us that the members of Sook Jai are trying to figure out how to work the net. It's a net, people, not a VCR. Jake explains that none of the tribe members has ever lived on the beach or near water, so they're clueless. And actually, I wouldn't think living near the beach is any sort of prerequisite for knowing how to use a fishing net or vice versa. I live "near the water," and whether I could operate a fishing net doesn't really have anything to do with that fact. Stephanie complains that they've worked hard for nothing, but she's semi-content with the single fish they've managed to catch. As the fish roasts on a stick, Robb tells us it's strange to be out there and "see where all the fish comes from that [he] eat[s] every day at home." Did he think they just crawled onto his plate?
“ Clay -- who appears to be trying to increase his bust -- says, 'We got some ass-kickin' to do!' Then it's a good thing his two-year-old is not around. ”
We rejoin Chuay Gahn sitting around the fire. Gandhia chews and looks typically pissed off. Brian doesn't chew and looks typically blank-faced. Ghandia explains that she didn't sleep well last night; she feels depressed and "used." When Ted joins Ghandia and Brian, Ghandia grudgingly agrees that he can sit down. In a voice-over, she reveals that she's gotten close to Ted, and that "it always seems that" she's sleeping beside him. Because she can't move or anything. She tells us that, the night, Ted put his arm over Ghandia and pulled her close, and that was fine with her at first. She continues that he then "started to, like, really, um, become, um, become very kind of sexual." "Kind of sexual"? More specifically, she says he was "grinding" against her and kept trying to -- in her opinion -- "engage" her. She thinks that Ted's behavior is inappropriate because he's married and just had a baby. Also, she thinks he should respect her as a married woman. I guess then she'd also think it was inappropriate for me to start referring to her as Grindia. (And Zron, you and I have to share this tm -- great minds thing alike!) She exclaims, "You can't just do [Grindia] like that!" And no, you can't just "do" her; she needs at least a little rice and some freshly poured coconut juice to get her in the mood.
Grindia insists that she's not "gonna go for it," and tells Ted, "You went up on me last night!" He shitmouths that if he's not "totally clear" while sleeping, he thinks he's with his wife. He promises not to hold or hug Grindia anymore, because he forgets he's not in bed with his wife. Grindia explains that the event was "really comprising [sic]," and that she feels like "such trash" today. She should feel like trash for lots of reasons, but not because Ted inappropriately came on to her. If he did. And I'm not getting in the middle of that one. Ted also thinks she shouldn't feel like trash because he wasn't in his "total mind" when he tried to "start something" with her. He apologizes if he's offended her, because it wasn't done maliciously. Grindia tears up as she reveals that it's happened to her before; she's been raped. He says -- with bizarre excitement in his voice -- "Did it really? Honestly? Were you really? Get outta here!" He apologizes again (but not for his weird response), and the Grindia tells him that people accused her of bringing it on herself. She feared that Ted would pretend that the incident the night before didn't happen, and he explains that he intended to talk to her later but hadn't yet had the opportunity. Grindia is glad Ted apologized, and says she feels much better. When Ted asks for forgiveness, she smilingly bestows it upon him, along with a hug and kiss. She calls him a "good person," and he tells her that she doesn't have to worry about it happening again. But if he really can't control himself while he's asleep, it seems like a difficult promise to make. As they walk away from the exchange, Ted voice-overs that Chuay Gahn has always been a family and will continue to be one. Despite the incident, he thinks they can pull together as a tribe. Now we join the rest of the tribe as they maneuver through a series of wacky stretches. Jan does shoulder rolls and Brian strikes Karate Kid-type poses. Clay -- who appears to be trying to increase his bust -- says, "We got some ass-kickin' to do!" Then it's a good thing his two-year-old is not around. You'll see what I mean later.
“ Peachy asks if they want to see the reward, and hails a motorboat. The S14 get very excited, most likely because they think they're about to win the boat. ”
A racing sky brings us to a giant "X" in the water. Peachy welcomes the tribes to the challenge, and states that, as recently as the 1960s, the island was ruled by pirates who would "rob and steal" from passing boats. Aren't "rob" and "steal" synonymous? And what else would pirates do, anyway? Bake cookies and roller-skate? Peachy explains that the pirate theme ties in with the day's challenge: a race along the "X"-shaped bamboo course. Each tribe has a boat full of stocked baskets and boxes at either end of the course. Their goal is to "rob or steal" (again, that "rob" or "steal" thing) ten items from the other tribe's boat into their own, carrying one item at a time, with only two members from each tribe on the course. If they fall off, the item is lost and they have to start over again. At the center of the course is an "attack zone" wherein the S14 can "engage contact" with another player. Good stuff! They can try to push each other off the course and into the water-- and Peachy says this explicitly -- but only if both players are within the black area at the center of the course. If a player engages contact from outside the attack zone, then his/her item is turned over to the other team, and the offending player is kicked out of the game. Peachy asks if they want to see the reward, and hails a motorboat. The S14 get very excited, most likely because they think they're about to win the boat. But what they'll win is even better: twenty-four hours with two "Red Berets," members of the region's "high Special Forces" who are experts at living off the land. According to Peachy, the Red Berets can help the winning tribe improve their shelter, fix their boat, or "source every bit of edible food in [their] camp." They can also be used to wipe the tribe member's asses, and as fresh meat in nightly games of "I Never."
Sook Jai decides to sit out Jake and Erin; then Peachy starts them off, and the competitors begin tiptoeing along the bamboo posts. Clay is so sprightly, and is clearly fitter then he appears. Ted is the first to fall -- more flop than fall, truth be told -- and Peachy urges him back to the start. Clay then falls directly onto Ted. Brian tries to rescue Clay's box, but it's dead in the water, according to Peachy. Sook Jai quickly has two boxes where Chuay Gahn has none. Stephanie -- who looked pretty capable at first -- bites it. Ted -- who's probably way to large for this kind of balance challenge -- begins crawling along the posts instead. Peachy applauds his ingenuity. And suddenly, it's time for the first attack zone "showdown" between Ted and Robb. Robb taunts Ted: "Stand there and try to pump me, baby." Ted goes for Robb's legs and he flies off the post. So Robb loses his booty and has to start over again.
Peachy says, "Thataway, Penny," as she wobbles along, which is exactly what people say to girls named Penny. Clay feels up Brian for love handles as they intersect on the course. At this point, it's 5-3 with Sook Jai in the lead, and Shii Devil approaches the attack zone opposite Brian. She asks her tribe, "You want me to push him in?" and Ken and the others yell at her to "Rush him!" and "Bring him in the water with you!" They do not, however, yell "Sweep the leg," and Brian fails to assume Ralph Macchio stance. Shii Ann looks concerned and hunches into a visibly half-hearted attack position before Brian easily tosses her in the drink. Robb is pissed off, which is ironic since he's the only other member of the tribe to have been bested thus far.
“ Thus begins a stream of hysterical calamities occurring in the attack zone. Peachy, at this point, just wants them to hurry up and be done with it, since he does not want his name or pretty face attached to the lawsuit. ”
The game continues along until Sook Jai has seven baskets while Chuay Gahn has only four. Brian and Ken come up against each other in the zone, and Ken takes him out. Is anyone playing for Chuay Gahn at this point besides Ted and Brian? Ken then remains near the zone while Helen charges him. She pretty much bounces off him into the water, but it's declared a victory for Chuay Gahn by Peachy, because Ken wasn't in the zone when the initial contact was made, even though it appeared that Helen ran into him. So, Ken's out of the game, and the other tribe gets a Sook Jai basket, bringing the score to 7-5. Robb achieves non-nudity related pixelation by flipping off the other tribe, and then Peachy warns them not to "get too cute in that attack zone."
Robb and Clay face off . Robb stands just outside the zone, and as Clay attempts to maneuver around him, Robb busts out the chokehold. Seriously, there's no better word for what he's doing than "strangulation." Clay makes surprised gagging noises until Robb carelessly shoves him off the bamboo. And is this Survivor, or Springervivor? This moment, incidentally, is so priceless, it merited slow-motion camera work, not to mention repeated VCR play in the case of one particular recapper. Peachy emphatically yells, "No, no, no!" during the throttling, but Robb ignores him, caught in the kill. Clay's team doesn't appear to be worried about him, but they are concerned that Robb wasn't properly positioned. Peachy tries to maintain his Peachy cool, but sounds astonished as he says, "Robb, you were not in the attack zone when you...grabbed Clay around the throat." Clay surfaces looking confused, and Robb gets kicked out, but not before another Sook Jai basket gets bounced to the other tribe. Robb swims off muttering, "Bunch of little whiny babies!" and the score is tied 6-6. Peachy admonishes Sook Jai for "self-destructing," and really -- talk about losing a challenge.
Thus begins a stream of hysterical calamities occurring in the attack zone. Peachy, at this point, just wants them to hurry up and be done with it, since he does not want his name or pretty face attached to the lawsuit. Stephanie (up against Ted) runs, takes a flying leap, and lands in straddle position on the bamboo in the zone. Ted handily pushes her off, and from the water she grabs his ankles and pulls him in. Her team cheers as Peachy yells, "Stephanie! What are you doing? You were in the water -- you weren't even close to the attack zone!" She doesn't answer, and swims off. So that's one more penalty, and Chuay Gahn takes the lead with seven baskets to Sook Jai's five.
Ted's now up against Shii Devil, and makes a point of being sure to be "in the zone." They go at it from their knees this time, as the members of Sook Jai yell again for Shii Devil to grab hold of Ted and jump on his back. She looks distraught, because as a Human Resources specialist she's used to handling conflict in a different way. They finally go for each other, and Shii Devil ends up in the water, where she repeats exactly what Stephanie did, but without the same success -- or lack thereof, so she doesn't get yelled at.