The Importance of Being E...est

We open the show with shots of gorgeous scenery and Thai people bustling about a bustling village. A woman hangs her laundry on a clothesline, when suddenly sixteen strangers plow through her back yard, duck under a yellow shirt hanging on the line, emerge, and continue on their way. I kid you not. How would you like it if sixteen Italians or Spaniards or Koreans or even New Jersey-ites showed up in your back yard one day and messed with your laundry? Here in America, we shoot people for a lot less than that. In any case, clearly this is Survivor Thailand, and just the first of what I'm sure will be a long string of obnoxious acts on the part of our new S16. Children bathe and wave, because they don't know better yet. Even the local goats exchange curious looks. We see that one of the S16 is not only corrupting the streets of this serene village, but doing so on a skateboard.

Peachy appears, to the immense joy and exaltation of the competitors and the home viewing audience. Well, no one reacts much either way, I suppose. He explains that they're in a small fishing village on the coast of Southern Thailand "in the heart of the ancient Orient." As we all know by now, they're about to begin the "adventure of a lifetime," but Peachy fails to mention that he means the lifetime of a dung beetle. Which is two years, incidentally, so not quite what I was going for, but you know what I mean. A fruit fly would have been better, but it doesn't have the same ring as "dung beetle." In any case, Peachy announces that the S16 will leave the village as "a group of men and a group of women." As opposed to as "a group of garbage pails and a group of soup spoons." Their destination is a beautiful and dangerous jungle -- a former pirates' haven, but clearly now just a haven for know-it-alls and know-nothings. Peachy promises exotic wildlife, including a fiercely yawning baboon and a spider, as well as the king cobra and the very dangerous reticulated python. It's also the monsoon season, and the island is "certain to be pummeled by frequent tropical storms." I'd so rather see them pummeled by rotten tomatoes and cornhusks, but I'll take what I can get. Taping will last for thirty-nine days, and Peachy gives his usual spiel: blah blah abandoned, blah blah new home, blah blah fend for selves, blah blah utilize resources, blah blah survival skills. Blah. Some bats fall asleep as Peachy continues droning all the stock phrases we know well by now: blah blah ultimate challenge, blah blah sixteen strangers, blah blah forced to work together, blah blah create a new society, blah blah while battling the elements and each other. Not to mention the ratings. The S16 pile into two brightly colored boats and don life jackets. Blah blah learn to adapt, blah blah voted out, blah blah one will remain. Peachy musters up as much excitement as he can, then drones, "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people, one Survivor!" but even he can't get that excited over the competition among this new crew.

New credits! Tinkly bell and gong sounds, because what would Survivor be without tinkly bell and gong sounds? Silhouettes of dancing natives and huge, gorgeous rock formations lead to paddling tribes. All the women are featured first in the credits, followed by the men. A lizard licks. People hug and kiss, but don't lick....yet. Maybe on The Real World Las Vegas, but our S16 need a little time to work up to that kind of stuff. Clearly, the baboon is the new scuttling crab; it's Survivor Thailand's It Animal. Gong! Survivor Thailand.

Tinkle, tinkle goes the music. The two pretty, obviously motored boats speed along. Peachy awaits the S16 on shore, and then commands them to follow him. One of the men wears a black cap pulled over his eyes. I don't need to add that he looks ridiculous. Peachy separates the garbage pails and spoons...er, "men and women," and then explains that they'll first have a "get-to-know-you." Each is to tell the others his or her name, age, and occupation, but Peachy adds that "if for some reason" they don't want to reveal that information, they can choose what to divulge. Stephanie is a twenty-nine-year-old firefighter/EMT from Fayetteville, Arkansas. She poses in uniform in front of her firetruck. Ghandia stands in front of a giant dome; she's an old-looking thirty-three -- a legal secretary who doesn't say where she's from. Forgetfulness or strategy? Hmmm. We know anyway: Denver. Erin is a twenty-six-year-old Dallas real estate agent with very big breasts. Helen is forty-seven, and a swimming instructor for the U.S. Navy. Penny is from Plano, and she sprawls on the ground in a pose I'm assuming someone, somewhere actually thinks is sexy. She's twenty-seven, and she's "in sales." Shii Ann is from New York, and although we all know her official title is "executive recruiter," she dumbs it down to "I help people find jobs" for the benefit of the slower members of the S16. Jan is a fifty-three-year-old, pigtailed first-grader...er, first grade teacher. Tanya is twenty-seven and a social worker. She's from Tennessee, even if she doesn't say so.

Now on to the boys...though not literally onto the boys, because not one of them is even remotely appealing. Louisianan Clay is forty-six and cute in a gnomish, pet-able sort of way. He proudly stands in front of his "Welcome to Monroe, LA" sign. Robb is twenty-three, and has an extra "B" in his name. The second "B," clearly, is for "Boob." He's a bartender from Arizona, and is also the one wearing the stupid hat. Kenneth wins the applause of his team by saying, "I'm twenty-nine years old, but I'm a New York City police officer." What's with the "but"? Thirty-four-year-old Brian -- who may also be Joel from Pulau Tiga -- is in the "high-line world of used-car sales." Not to mention the low-line world of pornography, but he selectively omits that piece of information. Shii Ann looks away in discomfort, while Penny giggles, so it probably was a wise move on his part to avoid revealing his part in The Virgins of Sherwood Forest. Not to mention Doogie Howser, M.D.. And a girl named Penny would giggle. No offense to all the shiny Pennys out there. In his background shot, Brian removes his sunglasses and stands in front of a "pre-owned cars" sign. John is a forty-year-old pastor who poses with his Bible. Enough said. Ted, age thirty-seven, is a North Carolina software developer. He may or may not also be a giant. Jed is a twenty-five-year-old dental student from Texas, and since I'm of the opinion that "normal" and "dental student" are mutually exclusive terms, I'm not predisposed to falling victim to his youthful charms. ["And according to The Smoking Gun, you're right to suspect that Jed is not what he seems. Assuming he seems, to you, like someone who would not drive drunk." -- Wing Chun] Jake is also a Texan; he's sixty, and a "land broker." Peachy reveals that elders are revered in Thailand; he says that, "if memory services [sic]," Jake and Jan are the oldest of the S16. They come forward, and Peachy announces that they will choose the tribes' colors: red or purple. This selection will also determine each tribe's name and beach. Peachy points out that each beach has advantages and disadvantages, regarding, amongst other things, shelter and water supply. However, he can only reveal that the red bandanna has sunrise and the purple has sunset. Jake immediately grabs for sunset, so Jan and her pigtails are left with sunrise. Peachy is excited to be "off and rolling."

In an interview, John tells us he was surprised when it looked like they'd be divided by gender. He wonders how he'll "jive" with just all men in his group. Because he's such a charmer with the ladies? Peach reveals that Jake's tribe is named "Sook Jai," (meaning "happy heart") and Jan's is "Chuay Gahn" (meaning "to help one another"). In an interview, Ghandia tells us that an all-woman tribe would have totally "kick[ed] the men's ass." The men's giant, collective ass. She explains that women are more skilled at multi-tasking, pain management, and logic, and clearly she has a lot of faith in the abilities of her fellow female S8, since she personally demonstrates in this episode not one of those three attributes. Peachy snits that it's natural to assume they will be split by gender, but "that assumption, of course, would be wrong." Instead, he reveals that Jan and Jake will act as "tribe selectors" by each choosing the other members of his or her group. No one looks happy about this revelation.

Peachy explains that Jan and Jake will choose one at a time, alternating men and women, and will begin by selecting a member of the opposite sex. Jan gets to pick first, and in a weepy interview moans that she was scared because she's not a leader; being in the spotlight frightens her. She picks Ted, but she doesn't know his name. He seems bashful and sweet. As he picks Stephanie, Jake voices over that he felt put on the spot, but picked her because after looking at her eyes and her body (ew), it's clear that she's ready to "take on the world." ["It's true, though. Did you see the guns on her?" -- Wing Chun] Jan then picks Helen, and Jake picks Kenneth, the police officer. John tells us that it looked like a team of strong guys versus a "week, elderly lady," but it's hard to know what he's going by, since right now the tribal division is older Jan and a giant against older Jake and a strong, young woman. Seems pretty even to me...until John is picked by Jan. Jake calls Penny "Plano" as he picks her. Jan then selects Ghandia, who is very excited not to have been picked last. Jed tells us he was drawn to Jake's "demeanor" as he picked the younger, athletic competitors. His heart was pumping because he so badly wanted to be on that team, and he gets what he wanted: picked by Jake. Robb didn't want to be on the "little old lady's team" either, so he avoids making eye contact. He does so successfully, and as Jan selects Brian, she explains that she "has it easy." Either that's a very big slam on Robb or she knows Robb doesn't want to be picked. Or, she has no idea what she's talking about. Jake picks Shii Ann, and then Tanya tells us in an interview that around this time, she had a lot of anxiety because she didn't want to be picked last. Her anxieties are unfounded, though, as Jan picks her. Jake selects Robb, who jumps around and yells about love and being very happy. Peachy pronounces that "just like in fifth-grade dodgeball, somebody's gotta be last," as we see Jan pick Clay, who brought a golf club with him. In an interview, Clay tells us he's the smallest and the oldest, so he knew he'd be last. He also does not tell us that he recently took elocution lessons from Big Tom. Big-breasted Erin is amazed to have been picked last. She says it's "humbling," and that she "probably needed that experience." She doesn't say, "How could they have picked me last? I mean, did they even see my breasts?"

Jake doesn't know what Jan was thinking when she picked her team. He explains that he chose athletic-looking people with a "certain gleam in their eye." Not to mention a certain bounce in their chests...er, "steps." The new tribes hug and hop around a lot. Penny thinks Jake is in great shape, and then qualifies that statement with "for being sixty." She insists that they have better-looking guys on the Sook Jai tribe. The camera zooms in on Chuay Gahn's Clay as she says this, which seems really mean, because we can't all be the lookers -- some of us have to be the trolls. Soft-spoken Ted was also surprised by Jan's picks. He says the other team thinks they will trounce Chuay Gahn, but they'll be surprised. Hugs and more hugs.

Peachy explains that both tribes have meager identical supplies, including only one small can of beans. He says that they'll have to work together to build a "whole new world," and then points out the late hour and temperamental weather. He suggests that they head for camp, and advises them to look for their tribe's flag and fishing canoe. Helen explains that Chuay Gahn quickly figured out that they needed to turn their boat around, but the other tribe acted like "anxious little kids." Which basically they are. She says that Sook Jai treated the journey like a race, but her tribe knew better. John doesn't think so highly of his tribe; he says it's ridiculous that no one on his team knows how to paddle a boat, but does John even know? He tries to laugh as he says they were turning in circles because the wrong sides were paddling, but you can tell he doesn't find it particularly funny. Tanya tells us in an interview that leaders were emerging; she cites John in particular as ordering the others. She also points out that she's the youngest member of Chuay Gahn, and was hoping she'd be on the other tribe. She says she doesn't think there's anyone in her own tribe to whom she can relate. So she can't relate to someone who's not exactly her own age? Tanya's poor grandparents.

Jake laughingly tells us that he didn't realize his tribe was steering the boat backwards, and then Robb claims the boat went faster backward then it did forward. Backward or forward, Sook Jai finally lands, and the tribemates run to shore. Shii Ann posits that, in an ideal situation, they would have landed, hugged, and hashed out a plan. She complains that they all went wild instead. They're very excited to have mango trees. Erin looks a bit like Sarah. And I -- unlike many viewers, I'm sure -- actually got past the big breasts to see her face. Robb flails all over the place: one second he's climbing a tree, then he's hanging from that tree, then he's swinging on a vine. He's very...um, active. He yells to the others, "You can totally swing on this, you guys!" He reminds me of a very obnoxious, unfunny Kelso from That '70s Show. Jake calls Robb a "real case," and diplomatically cites his spastastic antics as "enthusiasm." Jake says that his crew is ready to go, "but they know nothing." In the background, Robb continues to flail with the vines.

By this time, the members of Chuay Gahn have also spotted their beach. In an interview, Ghandia says she's excited to see their island for the first time as a tribe. Hugging is on their agenda, too. Brian tells us that they're all trying to enjoy themselves, but for him it's a "business trip." Where do used-car salesmen go on business trips, anyway? Conventions? And if so, what might such a convention be like? It's a good bit easier to deduce what porn stars do on business trips. Chuay Gahn cheers for itself as we go to commercial.

It's time for some all-new, still-tinkly background music. Chuay Gahn has discovered a natural cave on their beach. Ted -- an unlikely Martha Stewart -- proclaims it "a good thing, a very good thing." The cave reminds Clay of a four-star hotel, except for the bats. In an interview, Ted tells us that the first item on their agenda was to determine whether the caves were safe. Clay points out some suspect animal tracks while mumbling something indeterminate about them. Big Tom must have spit the marbles out of his own mouth directly into Clay's. Clay randomly leaps into Ted's arms; Ted catches him, but not particularly enthusiastically. Ghandia thinks the caves are a big advantage. Now Ted and Clay lay side by side; suddenly they roll toward each other and embrace. It's bizarre as it sounds, and I'm having flashes of John Coffey and Mr. Jingles from The Green Mile. I've never even seen that movie, but the image just seems right. The tribe gets excited over their newfound coconut supply, and we learn that Ted pronounces "saw" are "sore." The tribe happily discovers that the beach is rife with clams and crabs, and I'd be pretty psyched to have some clams and crabs for dinner tonight here in Baltimore, never mind stranded on an island somewhere. Jan tell us they were having a "ball," and the tribe marvels that food is so abundant that they're collecting "shellfish stuck on shellfish." Jan is very excited about their dinner, but no one has said anything about fire.

Back at Sook Jai, the tribe members get ready to go to the beach. As they frolic in the waves, Shii Ann thinks Stephanie is naked, but she's not; she's just wearing dark underpants. When Shii Ann exclaims, "Oh, my God. Are you naked?" Stephanie answers, "We should be!" and takes it all off. In an interview Stephanie is nonchalant about the nudity; then Shii Ann calls Stephanie "wild" and "crazy." Shii Ann says that everyone should skinny-dip at some point in his or her life, but promises, "You will not see my ta-tas." As a naked Stephanie and a clothed Shii Ann head off down the beach, Shii Ann assures Stephanie that she looks "good in the moonlight."

Back at camp, Jake explains that the tribe members knew they had to construct a shelter, but initially built something nominal just to get through the night. As the other members of the tribe contemplate whether the shelter will hold up and if they'll all fit inside, Robb contemplates his skateboard.

It's now Day 2 at Chuay Gahn. Tanya is nauseated, and Ted kindly coaches her through it, claiming that her stomach needs to get used to the environment. Tanya can't relate to that, because she's younger than Ted. She pukes up a flow of water, while John watches pissily, and Ted pours her some water. Ghandia explains that it's important to stay hydrated because of the heat, so they decide to go together to find the water source. When no one follows John as he desperately tries to lead, he heads off by himself. Instead of walking out of the cave, he decides to climb up the inside walls of the cave and out through an opening at the top. The others have no interest in following him, and Ted calmly states that they'll walk around instead; he warns John to be careful and safe. John insists that he climbed out to check on their fruit trees, but the damage is done. Jan thinks the tribe shouldn't separate so quickly, but explains that some people got anxious. The rest of the tribe members walk the canoe through the water, but then they end up rock-climbing anyway. Helen voices over that they started "scaling cliffs," as we see an unflattering hind shot of Ghandia. Someone says, "And we might even run into John," but doesn't sound particularly excited by the possibility. Helen wises up and realizes that they can't possibly be on the right track to their water supply, since "there's no way" they're supposed to climb a rock every day to reach water. Because shipwrecks always conveniently occur in locations close to a clean water source. Ghandia agrees that they should stop climbing, and tells the others, "I really don't feel confident in my rock-climbing skills." She says nothing about her puzzle-piecing abilities, but we'll learn more about those later.