When we left off at the close of theSurvivorfinale, Vecepia was celebrating a victory for Bible-bangers everywhere. Non-Bible-bangers, meanwhile, were celebrating a victory of their own: the extinguishing of Neleh's torch. There's something for everyone on this show!
We move from Peachy's squelching of Neleh's "life on the island" directly into the reunion special. While the entire cast gathers and pretends to be happy for Vecepia, a motorcycle rolls into the set bearing a big, orange-clad Rosie O'Donnell. A quick shot of Rob Mariano reveals that the last several months have not treated him well, and I mistake him for Bryant Gumbel in a quick flash of the celebrating S16. Rosie is very excited to reveal that Colby is the driver of her motorcycle; she even lets him get a few words in! She asks how everything is with him, hugs him, and starts screeching about how happy she is to see him. Incidentally, she continues screeching about something or other until the show's close. Somewhere -- New York City, her house in the Hamptons, the gynecologist's office -- she screeches still. Colby forces Rosie off the bike by pointing out that she has a show to do. She grubs for more audience applause in his honor as he roars off.
A very unhappy-looking old redheaded woman clutches a water bottle in the front row of the audience. Her presence must be important since they make a point of including the shot. Except it's not important at all, because this show is extraordinarily half-assed -- even more so than usual. Maybe they're plugging for a contract with a bottled-water company season. Who knows?
Rosie trots onto the stage and enfolds Just Peachy in a hug; she then begins hugging the S16. She is perfectly cast to host this show, because she enjoys hugging just as much as Survivor cast members do. Try to picture Bryant Gumbel hugging anyone. Except himself, that is.
In the first of many random and disordered -- if genuine -- moments of the episode, Rosie asks what Neleh thought when her name wasn't called. They both agree that her response was the obvious "Oh my heck!" Rosie then brags that the upcoming special will be the greatest hour of television ever, because she thinks Survivor is the best show on TV. I guess she can admit this now that her own crap-ass show is over. She insists that they need to kick off the special with a "production number." She tells "Ricardo" to "hit it," and some imported Marquesans or actors dressed up like Marquesans chant and play bongos while the theme song to Gilligan's Island begins. And then Rosie starts singing. And it's bad. Really bad. In fact, it's a stretch just calling it "singing," because it may be something else entirely. It's like singing's backwards cousin from Utah who says "Oh my heck" all the time. I become more and more obsessed with the fact that this caterwauling, untalented woman -- one who is not an obvious candidate for having gotten there on looks alone, or by sleeping her way up the ladder -- has actually had a musical career on Broadway. There's hope for us all! Not only is the song poorly sung, it's horribly written, too. Rosie totally phones this one in; it's like one of those "Can you hear me now?" commercials, except the answer is, "Yes! Yes, I can hear you. Now for the love of God, please try something else!" And now, the song:
Just sit right back
We've got a show
These people were confined
"Outwit, outlast, outplay" the goal
They're out of their minds
They're out of their mindsThere's John, who grabbed a sea urchin
He really was in need
Then Kathy came to help him
She squatted and did the deed
You know she went and pee-peedThere's Peter, he got booted first
And Sean who was a klutz
He tried to get up on a mule
He bruised his coconuts
Bruised his coconuts!We finally know who took the prize
The ultimate success
And we're gonna talk all about it tonight
Only on CBS!
Only on CBS!
Rosie says that the fun has just begun, and I wonder how I missed that. She doesn't want us to go anywhere because she'll be here the whole hour. Which sounds like a perfect reason to me to go somewhere -- anywhere -- else. So we head off to commercial as the S16 -- including a skulking, awkward Peter Pandit -- chant and try to avoid looking completely horrified, both by the results of the game and by Rosie's singing.
Rosie welcomes us back to New York City, and the S16 wave and ham it up, clutching desperately to the last vestiges of fame and fortune they'll ever know. Until they show up in a Snickers commercial season, doing something really gross or stupid. Ah, fame. Rosie asks Vecepia how it feels to win, and Vecepia says it's "the bomb!" in a way that cannot be conveyed in writing. She also exclaims "Heck, yeah!" and "Holy heck!" because she's trying to out-pious Neleh. And out-annoy her, as well.
Rosie asks whether Neleh and Vecepia have been nervous, anticipating this moment, and Neleh says that she hasn't eaten in two days, causing Rosie to abruptly cut her off: "Right." Because members of the Chub Club don't like to hear about the non-eating habits of skinny girls. Neleh looks pretty, if primped, and not at all like Olive Oyl or Sweetpea or Alice the Goon or some other random goon or whatever Popeye character she resembles that I can't quite place. There's a surprising dearth of Popeye information available on the web. ["I'm telling you, put a cloth crown on her and she's Jughead Jones." -- Wing Chun] In any case, Vecepia rambles on that she woke up that morning and told Leander to go away because he was driving her crazy wanting to do things with her. Those pesky spouses with the always wanting to do things. Vecepia was glad they went to breakfast, because it calmed her down, and it sounds like she had breakfast with Neleh, because they exchange a look. But that would mean Neleh did eat in the past two days. Liar. Vecepia continues complaining about her husband and says that when she got back home, "Leander was there again," wanting more from her and making her nervous. Poor Leander. I hope he doesn't hug her for at least a week. Vecepia finally had to say, "Just go somewhere! Please!" so that she would have the chance in his absence to pray, meditate (which I originally typo-ed as "medicate," and which would be an equally viable option for a woman who sees visions and writes on tablets), and calm herself down. Rosie steals the words right from my recap as she concludes, "The moral for the people at home: when times are stressed, get ridda your spouse!"
Rosie then reveals that "Oh my heck!" is her favorite expression to emerge from all four seasons of Survivor, and I can't believe she prefers that to "I will always wave my finger in your face," or anything ever said by Talking Rudy Doll. Neleh explains that she didn't realize how much she said it, and Rosie says she's never heard anyone else say it. Most likely because the rest of the world knows better. Neleh says the expression is "a Utah thing," and that since the show ended, she's been picking up on the expression from her fellow Utahns. She enthusiastically concludes, "Everyone in Utah says, 'Oh my heck!'" which is as good a reason as any I've heard to avoid going to Utah. Rosie then outs Neleh as a poser by pointing out how "funny" it is that Neleh was so good and righteous for the thirteen straight weeks when the show aired, but ruined it all when she said, "Oh, that sucks" in response to John's question at the final Tribal Council. Rosie reveals that she got Neleh two hats as a gift: one that reads "Oh my heck," and one for when she's in a very bad mood, which says, "This sucks." Neleh proves she may have a better sense of humor than I thought she did by donning the "This sucks" hat. Or else she just can't read.
Rosie suddenly asks what Neleh and Paschal found about each other that was "appealing." That's had me stumped, too. Neleh responds that from the first day it was clear that they weren't the strongest castaways, and the other members of Rotu forced them to the back of the raft to hang onto the end and kick. She then randomly launches into her concerns that there were "sharks in [there] that [were] gonna eat [them]." Miraculously, she returns to the point, which is that she and Paschal bonded instantly; she exclaims, "I love that guy!" Now Rosie asks of Paschal, "What was it about [Neleh]? Did you think of her, like, as a daughter? You thought of her...." and Paschal cuts her off before she can complete the sentence with "underage, half-wit love goon?" He claims that Neleh was an "extension of home" for him because he's "such a family person," which just seems to me like such a self-serving, obnoxious thing to say. He reveals that he and Neleh met before they were even selected as finalists, and he told his wife that if that "little girl" was selected, then there was something "really special" about her. So she was only really special if she was selected? That's a total non sequitur, and I thought judges were at least supposed to have some basic grasp of logic. And by now, most of you know how I feel about "special" as a descriptive word, anyway. Paschal calls Neleh "as pristine a young woman as [he's] ever known," which is a really strange way of describing someone -- she's clean? And that's the best attribute he can come up with to describe her? Paschal then realizes that he has two pristine daughters at home, and that he should throw a compliment or two their way so that he doesn't have to foot the therapy bills three years from now. Still, he insists that Neleh reminds him of home.
Rosie pats Neleh on the back for being the youngest person out there, and for handling the resulting notoriety, fame, and "maneuvering" so skillfully. Rosie insists that it's hard enough for a forty-year-old to adapt in such a challenging situation, but for a twenty-one-year-old "kid," Neleh did "all right." They high-five. Because Neleh has FIVE fingers!
Rosie turns to Kathy, but before she can say anything, Kathy laments, "Babe, I tried!" Rosie freaks, "I thought it would be you!" and the whole crowd goes wild because somehow, inexplicably, Kathy managed to win us all over; it totally should have been Kathy who won. Kathy's hair is all razor-cut and shaggy -- she looks great and svelte and not so crazy-eyed at all. Peter Pandit's taken up the slack on that front, though. Rosie insists that Kathy was the hometown favorite, and that everyone thought she would win. Rosie screams, "And you lost 'cause you didn't want to show your boob!" Rosie lays into Neleh for acting so nice and offering a helpful warning. She then starts yelling, "You psyched her out! You psyched her out!" She's kind of joking, but she's kind of not. Kathy handles the situation gracefully and absolves Neleh of blame. She says that Rosie knows what it's like to be sitting on the beach or in a bar wearing a strapless dress when someone says, "Honey, check it out, I think it's exposed." Apparently, only gay men notice and point out errant breasts, because Kathy affects a fey accent during this discussion. Also, I don't really think Rosie knows what it's like to be wearing a strapless dress anywhere. Kathy explains that looking down was her first instinct, and Rosie screeches that Kathy wasn't just sitting in a bar; she was holding on for a million dollars. Kathy responds that all of the Central Park crowd was watching her (and on a big screen, no less), and then Rosie returns to busting on Neleh, saying she might as well have said, "Look out! There's a snake!" to make Kathy lose her balance. Rosie yells at Kathy for falling for Neleh's ruse, and Kathy insists again that there were too many people looking at her. ["Yeah, as if CBS would ever show footage of Kathy's naked boob. Although, actually, they have already done that on another show this season." -- Wing Chun] Neleh and Kathy hug; since neither of them won a million dollars; there's no hard feelings.
Rosie explains that Vecepia claimed to know she was going to win in a way Rosie found "interesting." A crazy, obnoxious sort of "way," but Rosie doesn't say that. Vecepia says she decided one day that she was going to be on Survivor, so she wrote on a sticky note, "I will be a Survivor," because of a Bible verse which advises us to "write our vision down and make it plain." She put the note on her work computer, and told the note every day that she was going to get the call. The request for an interview came a few days later, and once Vecepia had been selected, she scratched out "I will be a Survivor" and replaced the message with "I will be the ultimate Survivor," and began reciting that mantra each day. She credits her selection and ultimate win to "believing in [her] faith that it was gonna happen." Since she's so effectively working the prayer thing, maybe she should try writing down, "There will be peace in the Middle East," or, "There will be no more world hunger." Vecepia brags that she'll always be "an ultimate Survivor" regardless of what happens to her, but that this experience has enabled her to "see God's work at hand, and to know it was Him -- it was all Him -- cause [she] kept the faith." Vecepia's family cheers because they love their crazy, millionaire relative, and Rosie agrees that you have to "dream it to live it." Luckily, we're spared further crazy talk from Vecepia for the moment, when Rosie announces that it's time for a break. She promises that we'll return later and hear from the others -- including a pink lip-glossed Tammy, to whom Rosie bestows the "Sue Hawk Award for Most Outrageous Speech."
Back from commercial, we get a clip of Tammy's diatribe in which she calls Vecepia and Neleh "holier-than-thou" and "hypocrites" and the "two biggest liars out on the island," and couldn't you just listen to that all day? The Central Park audience (and Rosie) cheers on Tammy, as Vecepia and Neleh attempt to look like good, forgiving Christians. Rosie says that you don't fool around with Tammy, and that all she needs is Sue's "the vulture, and if you was drowning on the street with a glass of water I wouldn't even step on your head" speech. Rosie asks, "What was the point of your whole rant?" and Tammy responds that she was pissed off because she didn't win. That was how she felt at that moment, and she wanted the others to know. She adds, "Granted, I've had three months to adjust now, but that's the way I felt then." When Rosie inquires as to whether Tammy's still "bitter and hostile," Tammy responds that she's going to counseling for that. Rosie ignores Tammy's attempt at a joke, because she's the one making the jokes here!
Rosie randomly points out that Hunter's eviction was the biggest surprise of the season. Rosie was "stunned," and thinks that the only person who was more surprised was Hunter. He admits that he was shocked and says, "Not only did I lose the game, I lost my voice!" Rosie heard that he had "a good night at the bar last night," and Hunter pumps a fist in the air because drinking rocks! Rosie screams that he's here today because he's a Survivor. Hunter now explains that he recognized Rob's handwriting on the first vote against him, and he knew at that point that he'd be voted out. Rosie points out that Hunter is a "real Top Gun in real life," and this is accompanied by a close-up of puffy Rob, which was probably intended to air when his vote was mentioned, but the timing is off. Hunter and Rosie discuss Hunter's experiences "in the midst of the war," and we see a picture of Hunter hanging out on the wing of his plane. Rosie fawns, "He's like the real-life Tom Cruise," and one of the S16 -- most likely Gina -- says, "He is Tom Cruise!" And without the braces! Rosie mouths "Tommy" at the camera, and then Hunter (at Rosie's urging) brags about his 433 carrier landings. She congratulates him on representing himself so well, and Patricia horns in, "That's my boy!" Rosie says, "Mamma liked you too," but clearly Patricia is not one of Rosie's pets, so Rosie ignores Patricia after that. Rosie then turns to Gina and asks, "Now there was a little...a little romance goin' on?" Gina and Hunter agree that there was no romance at all, and Rosie says she'll get to the truth during the commercial. It'd be more interesting if she got to it now, but that's not happening. I suppose Rosie, of all people, might be sensitive to outing people's relationships on national television.
Rosie then reveals what she thinks was the best moment on the whole island. She points first to Kathy, then to John as she screeches, "You peein' on him!" Rosie says she thought she'd seen it all, but then John made his announcement and Kathy came running. As the clip airs, Rosie yells, "Look at you running to pee on him!" John may have had his hair cut by Kathy's razor-happy hairdresser, as well, and I like it on him, too. It's very shaggy, and chic. He's shaggy chic. Hee. Rosie says that the pee clip was the funniest thing she's ever seen, and insists that the facial expressions of the others were the best part. She says Paschal was walking by like, "They don't do this in Atlanta!" They don't freak dance in Atlanta either, thanks to him. Kathy points out that Paschal tried to pee on John, but "did not perform," then Rosie mocks Paschal's poor "bladder control" while Kathy pats Paschal's knee and says he had "a little anxiety out there." Rosie asks how they knew peeing would help the pain, and John cites two reasons for knowing this: the fact that ammonia from urine neutralizes the venom's sting, and that he read this in a book given to him before going on Survivor. I would say that qualifies as only one reason, but clearly John is pretending that he knew this information before reading it in his manual. ["I knew it from an episode of Friends five years ago." -- Wing Chun] John then explains that Paschal really did try to pee -- "he whipped it out and everything" -- but he couldn't. John says that's when he screamed, "Does anyone have to pee?" because he was frustrated about Paschal's thwarted attempt. John tells us that Kathy had "a really full bladder," and Kathy wants to know how John knew that. Um, because you peed a lot? John continues his story and says that the ammonia worked immediately, but Kathy kept peeing and peeing. He didn't know what the polite thing to do would be: "Put my hand out and let her just stand there and pee? Just stand there and get peed on?" Rosie thinks John has a potential new career as author of Peeing on Other People etiquette books. Rosie congratulates Kathy on her willingness to pee on John, and John on his willingness to be peed on by Kathy. Congratulations all around!
Rosie's bored now, and turns to Sean. She loved his singing voice over the course of the series, and commands the audience to "give it up for this man's voice!" She's also impressed by his physique and tells him, "There are parts of your body that I didn't know are supposed to go in at that point!" She says he has "like, indents," and she's never had that at age forty. If it makes Rosie feel any better, about 99% of the population has never had that at any age, either. Sean and I are fairly unique in our stunningly cut physiques. We see the clip of Sean and Vecepia singing "Brand New Day" while celebrating the overthrow of the Rotu alliance, and Rosie talks over the clip, urging Sean to "work those abs." Rosie then points out that a lot of people don't know that Sean was recently voted Teacher of the Year. She announces that he's a teacher in Harlem, and he corrects that he's a teacher in South Central. Rosie also points out that Sean "spent some time on Broadway." Sean says that he was in a play called Scapin with Bill Irwin in '98 or so. Sean says that teaching means more to him "than a whole lot." He "specifically [loves] teaching in the 'hood, if you will" because he wants "young brothers" to see that Sean has been able to "keep it real and keep it educated." He hopes that his students will realize that if Sean can do it, so can they. Rosie calls Sean "amazing," and says he was a lot of fun to watch. Which is true. It's time for a commercial now, but Rosie tells us there's more to talk about, and that we'll be here "all night."
The clip of Paschal and Sean rolling in the surf after winning the Marquesan feast reward challenge greets us as we return from the commercial, accompanied by a split screen of the two men trying to look amused. Paschal does a much better job of it than Sean does. Rosie asks whether Paschal ever thought he'd become such good friends with "an African-American teacher from the 'hood!" and Paschal says he didn't think in terms of race, and then changes the subject to talk about the formation of relationships in general on the show. He says that no one would understand who hasn't been on Survivor, but that he would "literally die" for any of the other S16. He claims to be closer to the others now than than he is to anyone in his life except for his immediate family, and insists again that it would take six continuous years with your best friends to accumulate that kind of contact. In the background, Sarah is vigorously nodding her head, and Hunter may or may not still be drunk. Paschal says that Sean is one of the most incredible men he's had the good fortune of knowing; Paschal's blessed to have Sean in his life. Sean looks skeptical, and a bored Rosie dismisses the conversation with a distracted "Yes, very beautiful."
Rosie turns her attention to something far more exciting: Sarah's fake breasts. Rosie calls Sarah "the Kimmi of this year's Survivor," and I have no idea if that's meant as a compliment or insult, but I'm guessing it's the latter. Rosie says, "Nice to see you brought your boobs with you," and Sarah attempts to open her shirt seductively, but looks more silly than anything else. Rosie calls Sarah's entrance "classic Survivor," and claims that it will "go down in history" as "the most absurd way to play the game." Rosie imitates Sean imitating Sarah as Rosie says this. The clip follows, along with Sean's "boobs hangin' out" commentary. Rosie then grabs her own breasts and imitates Sarah wondering about getting a tan. I didn't need to see it when Sarah did it, and I don't need to see it now, either.
Rosie asks whether Sarah has a boyfriend, and Sarah does; she's proud that he's in the audience. Rosie innocently says, "Excellent," but then begins screaming about how Sarah spent the first night in the raft with Rob. She asks what "all [their] little canoodling in the bed" was about, and Sarah responds that she and Rob became good friends; she doesn't know what else to say. Rosie says she's good friends with Colby, but they've never "shared a cuddle in bed like that." And thank you, Rosie; you're just bringing on the unpleasant visuals tonight.
Rosie asks how Rob -- who she calls "a Boston guy, construction worker" -- feels about the evening. The crowd cheers for Rob; Rosie tells him he's got "a million-dollar smile," and "an amazing manner about [him]." An amazing manner, evidently, that includes comments like, "I was glad Sarah brought her boobs, too." Rosie asks if Rob got along well with everyone, and then singles out Hunter. Rob asks if Hunter is still "cryin'," because Rob brought him some tissues for Hunter. Rob hands over some Kleenex, but the joke doesn't go over with the audience, I think, because it's kind of mean-spirited. Rosie asks what was the toughest part of the game, and Rob answers that the whole thing was "pretty easy." He then adds, "Yeah right. I lost. Who'm I kidding?" He says that the bugs were "incessantly brutal," as were with the whining and crying of his tribemates. Rob then admits that he was teased by his fellow construction workers because he "lost to a girl, puked up [his] fish!" Rob asks the audience to "give it up for Neleh!" Because she must be a really amazing half-wit if she beat manly Rob.
Rosie's attention span is about as long as Peter Pandit's turn on the island. She's bored with Rob, and announces out of nowhere that Kathy is the winner of the Most Improved award. We see a picture of Kathy at her most mop-headed and crazy-eyed, and then a picture of her now, running her hands through her delightfully shaggy hair. Rosie says that Kathy looked like a "murderer/Unabomber kind of person," but now she's "the cover of Vogue magazine." Not quite. But maybe Redbook. Rosie's son met Kathy before the show and insisted, "Mom, there's no way that's the same lady!" Kathy calls it "a Marquesan make-over by Mark Burnett." Rosie says it worked well for her, and then awards the Most Improved award (male) to Paschal. A picture of a grimacing, bearded Paschal clouds the screen, and he did clean up well. Paschal tells Rosie that his wife said he "had one foot in the grave, and one wasn't far behind it," and he felt that way, too. Rosie asked about his sickness before the penultimate Tribal Council. Paschal says that Zoe noticed him wobbling around. Zoe sits behind him and rubs his shoulders, which is the only proof in this whole episode we get that Zoe ever existed at all. Paschal tries to say that he didn't actually pass out, but the other members of the jury enthusiastically exclaim that he did, so he concedes, "I was out; I was out!" Paschal explains that he was dehydrated, so he went to the hospital and got fluids. Kathy jumps in to say that Paschal just stopped eating at one point, and Paschal says he just couldn't eat the same foods anymore. He says he thinks he speaks for the rest of the S16 when he says none of them would ever eat anything with coconut now, and from the back, Robert yells, "The 'C' word!" And if you like Robert and miss hearing his occasional funny comments, that's all you get, because Rosie doesn't like him. Nor does she like Peter Pandit, or Mamma, or Tammy, or Zoe; they don't even merit an introduction. Actually, the only people Rosie is interested in talking to are Paschal, Vecepia, Neleh, Kathy, and Sean. She has a little spare time at the end, so she lets The Moppet get a brief word in, too.
Rosie postures that Neleh lost because of the mint incident. Rosie asks what Neleh was thinking, and imitates her "oh my heck[ing]" through her description of the meal. As if any justification could possibly exist for such rude behavior, Neleh insists on explaining. She says that she and Paschal weren't allowed to smuggle food back to camp after their time on the luxury yacht because "it was a nice, sit-down dinner." On her way out, Neleh noticed she had some mints in her pockets and, wanting to share with the others, she popped them in her mouth to smuggle back. Why didn't she shove some up her ass while she was at it? I mean really, why didn't she just leave the damn mints where they were -- in her pocket? Neleh then points out that the cameras didn't show the other people begging for the details of the meal. But no one's buying any of it, so finally, Neleh admits that it was a terrible thing to do, and says she can't believe she did it. Rosie makes some joke (that bombs) about the cameramen pretending to offer the Survivors bites of their hamburgers.
Rosie bounces back to Sean; she says that his funniest moment on the island was when he was riding the horse and whispered the word "balls" like it was a curse word. Rosie thinks it was like when parents lower their voices to say, "Grandma has cancer." The clip airs, and Sean "ma ba --"s his way through it. Rosie hates to ask, but insists that all of America is wondering: "How're your balls?" For the record, I've never wondered once. Sean responds, "Thank God I've got a girlfriend," and I don't know if that means his girlfriend has relieved the pain somehow, or that if he didn't already have one, he'd never get one now. If the latter is the case, Sean should be more concerned about some of the less-than-politically correct comments he and Rob made about the women in their tribe in the beginning of the season.
Now it's time for Rosie to reveal that the entire 2000-person audience has won these "amazing tube tops/headbands/whatever they are!" and I love that after all of CBS's plugging of the "buffs," Rosie can't manage to call them that. The crowd cheers because there's a $100 dollar bill in each of their buffs. As we go to commercial, we learn that Neleh's father is as big a half-wit as Neleh is: he added an extra room to his house just so people could gather to watch the reunion special.
We're back, and it's time for a refresher course. Rosie reminds us that we're live from New York with the cast of Survivor. She reiterates, for those of us who are still in denial, that Vecepia won and Neleh is the runner-up. Hey! The Moppet's actually getting a turn! Rosie asks what's up with the teddy bear he's toting around; he explains that Jimmy was his luxury item and was in the Marquesas as long as The Moppet was, and thus deserves to share The Moppet's spot on this show. I wonder if The Moppet would have so willingly shared the spotlight if he knew this was all the time he was getting. We see a horrible picture of The Moppet and Jimmy on the island. Then The Moppet explains that he was surprised when Rob Mariano told him he'd be voted out. He reminds us that Rob approached him eighteen hours before Tribal Council with the option to form an alliance with Rob, Sean, and Vecepia, which The Moppet didn't accept. People laugh and the Moppet says, "No offense!" because he thinks they're laughing at the harshness of his comment. As opposed to his stupidity for refusing the offer. Rosie makes the point with, "Which you didn't want to do...oops." The Moppet insists that knowing about his upcoming exit allowed him to spend his last days on the island in a different way. He says he made sure to go to the waterfall, climb up a coconut tree, and take all the food for himself. He and Rosie agree that he did the "things that really matter." But Rosie quickly tires of talking about The Moppet; it's time to talk about Rosie! She says she called him the "Blue Lagoon guy" and "little Mr. Chris Atkins" for the first few weeks. She also says something about putting him in a loincloth, but yuck. The Moppet makes a case for getting on the "Best of" show with, "I'd go back!" but Rosie doesn't have time for losers and turns back to Vecepia.
Rosie asks what Vecepia will take away from the experience, aside from the million dollars. Vecepia says that being the first African-American to win on Survivor is the best part. Vecepia brags that many people are proud of her right now, and that it's a great feeling. She points out that it's not just African-Americans who are proud of her, but all people of color. She cites her Indian employer, Hispanic friends, "the Thierrys" ["family friends, apparently" -- Wing Chun], and her African-American buddies. So in short, everyone except white people can feel proud of Vecepia. Vecepia says that it's an honor to have so many people praying for her. Rosie agrees that just as Tina's victory was great for women, Vecepia's victory is great for minorities.
Rosie now reveals that she's gotten permission from CBS to play a game with the S16. She has an urn (sadly absent of feet) with "some food" in it; if the contestants chow down, they'll get a prize. Rosie rules that they'll have to decide in advance if they'll partake in the challenge, and then they'll be blindfolded and given five seconds to eat. While they're deciding, it's time for Just Peachy to plug the fifth season of Survivor, but Rosie promises, "When we get back, disgusting food for them!"
Gong, pretty doors open, temples, elephants, tinkly music. Peachy blathers on about sixteen Americans, a tropical rain forest, and "mammoth limestone topography." This time, he explains, it's the monsoon season, and the new S16 will be "pummeled" by frequent storms. And pummeling is always a good thing when it comes to these people. There are also big snakes out there! Peachy promises that they'll begin the adventure in a new way: "An event that will impact the entire game ahead of them." Pretty music, pretty pictures, pretty colors, pretty doors close. Gong! Survivor Thailand. See you then.
Rosie's back, and reveals that all of the S16 have decided to play, which she says "is crazy of them." They haven't all decided to play, though, because Vecepia is standing beside Rosie looking smug. She doesn't have to eat bad food for stupid prizes now. She's a millionaire! After the players have been suitably blindfolded, Rosie reveals a gummy worm from the non-footed little urn and screams, "Look at that!" while silently encouraging the audience to groan and make distressing noises for the benefit of the S16. Vecepia unconvincingly says, "I would never eat that." Rosie instructs the players that they'll have five seconds to eat, after which they can rip off their blindfolds. They dig in and chew and some actually manage to look distressed. Others look upwards while they chew which I don't really understand because it's not like there's anything up there, and it's not particularly difficult to swallow a gummy worm. Then Rosie runs around pointing and yelling, "Did it? Did it? Did it?" as the S16 show their gummy wormy tongues. Paschal starts dancing lewdly, and Sean doesn't want to remove his blindfold, but the two are unrelated, I think. Rosie reveals that the prize is a DVD of the first four seasons of Survivor; they all attempt to act really excited -- as does Vecepia, which is obnoxious. But then Rosie reveals that she tricked them all: there's a brand-new Saturn Vue for each of them. This revelation causes mass chaos among the group. John falls on the floor before Rosie, and then starts humping her. Rosie yells, "I tricked you!" and "Saturn rules!" while dispensing keys to the frolicking S16. It's a Saturn, people, not the cure for cancer. I'm mortified for them. The Moppet jumps up and straddles John and they spin around together, while Tammy pumps her fist in the air in that familiar, unflattering way. Rosie thanks Saturn again, and the dispensing of the keys continues, and poor Peter Pandit is skulking about at the end of the show just as he was at the beginning of the show.
We're back, and the S16 are all on their feet, but managing now to contain their excitement over their new wheels. Rosie looks like she might be about to sing...or have a bowel movement. Thankfully, we're spared both. And if I'd had to decide between witnessing one of the two, it would have been a difficult choice. Crazy-eyed, skulking Peter Pandit is smiling now, so someone might have asked him about his holes. Rosie closes the show by attempting to put the game of Survivor in the context of current world politics. She thinks Survivor teaches people how to accept, get along with, and care for each other, and "it's a beautiful thing when it works right." She thinks it worked right this time. However, I think Survivor works right when the S16 are at each other's throats, and the ratings would agree with me.
The ending is all a big tease, because we're not quite there yet. Rosie reveals that she was touched when Paschal and his wife Beverly were reunited during the "Loved Ones from Home" challenge. We see the clip of Paschal hugging Beverly while Robert holds Neleh back. Aw. Paschal loves his wife. Isn't that touching? And ew! I think I saw tongue. Now we see Beverly in the audience; she is holding a fan with Paschal's face on one side and a dark-haired woman on the reverse. At first I think it's the graphic from the whole "Free Winona" t-shirt campaign, but then I realize it's publicity-grubbing Rosie! Rosie summons Bev, who's wearing a cape, onto the stage. They embrace and cuddle, and then The Moppet rubs her back and nestles up against her in a disturbing sort of way. Paschal whispers something to his wife, which might well be "Don't look now, but there's a Moppet on your back...move forward....very slowly...you can do it...grab my hand." Rosie then plugs away for CBS and CBS.com and Vecepia's forthcoming appearance on The Early Show. She thanks the audience for supporting "the greatest city that ever was," and urges us to keep watching CBS. She peaces out, and promises she'll see us in Thailand. There's no more singing, but there is a pissed-off looking Richard Hatch, who is one season further away from fame.
The S16 hug each other because that's what they do, and bittersweet music plays and as the credits begin to roll. I am forced to accept the fact that this has been a Rudy-less reunion show, but I'll muddle through. Or launch a massive letter-writing campaign to enlist Rudy as season's reunion-show host. There won't be any crappy "How did you feel when you lost, Neleh?" questions, or raving on about Tom Cruise. It will be all "You're a piece of shit"s, and "I don't like you...and I never will!"s. A girl can dream, can't she?