A voice-over tells us that twenty-four days ago, sixteen strangers were split into two tribes and marooned on the "mystical" Marquesas Islands. Now only eight remain as members of one merged tribe, each with a chance to win the $1,000,000 prize. Here's what you need to know about them: Neleh is a sweet, though moon-faced, half-wit; Kathy is loud and braless; Sean is the "angry black man"; Vecepia prays a lot; Paschal is a skinny judge opposed to lewd teenage dancing; gape-jawed Robert wants to be called "The General" but is more likely herein to be called "Magilla Gorilla"; Zoe is tough; Tammy is tougher. The cast-out eight included Peter Pandit, who liked to talk about his asshole; thrown-from-the-tribe Patricia; Hunter, who quickly became the Hunted; the golden-locked commie Moppet; big-breasted, small-minded Sarah; Gina, Watermelon Queen and She-ra to Hunter's He-Man; possible mobsta Rob; and mastermind and overall big behind John. Just Peachy is the host and narrator; he's awfully pretty. And Mark Burnett pulls the strings, which you can see if you look really, really close.
And that's all you need to know, with only fifty-nine minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go!
Water washes over the camera lens. Pictures of the eight remaining members flash on the screen, and Neleh's is submerged with bubbles around it. OOOH, BUBBLES. Peachy blathers on about the "highlights and never-before-seen-footage" we'll see tonight, and claims this "special edition" will give us a "closer look." And if by "closer look" he means "another look," then that's entirely true. These "specials" always have a few new clips, and they're always shown to us right at the beginning of the episode, as well as throughout the show. So ahead, learn that Robert brought a voodoo doll and plans to "start jabbin' the hell out of it," and Sean sings opera while Tammy voice-overs about his "sense of humor." Also, Kathy and Rob wanted a word they could shout when naming the new tribe, Soliantu; and Sean, Paschal, Vecepia, and Neleh whispered about voting out John.
And that's all the new stuff you'll get in this episode, with only fifty-seven minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go! Can you tell where this is headed? Let the recrapping begin!
Tinkly music plays that we've not heard before as we see footage of the initial drop-off from Day 1. They've been split into two tribes; they paddle; "the journey was nothing like they expected." It's exactly, however, what the viewing audience expected, since we've already seen this exact footage. In what may or may not be a fresh clip, Rob tells us that it was exciting at first and "all fun," but after fifteen minutes of paddling he realized, "There's nobody here to help you." Except for the seven other people he's stranded with. Sean attempts to paddle with his tongue. I didn't notice that the first time around, before I was aware of the many talents of Sean's tongue. The tribe debates where to land, and Peter Pandit sees a beach and gets excited. Gina snaps that the map says it's a "rocky beach," and so they shouldn't yet head to shore. Sarah tells us that the map made it look like a fifteen-minute paddle, but when they first saw land, they realized how much longer it would take. Especially since Sarah is not planning on doing any paddling herself. Peachy now voice-overs that the tribe's arrival was "nothing short of majestic," and the Cleopatra footage of Sarah with her "boooooobs hanging out" plays. Sean snarks. Sean enunciates the word "boooooobs." Sean is very, very sweaty. High fives all around because they've arrived. Blah. Oh, and blah.
Meanwhile, Rotu has arrived and discovered that they have no supplies. No supplies! Who knew? Neleh identifies various supplies. Because she can. F-R-Y-IN-G PAN. FR-Y-ING PAN. FRY-ING PAN. FRYING PAN! Peachy tells us that fire-starting at Rotu became "an exercise in futility." This whole "special" is an exercise in futility, if you ask me.
Fire-starting at Maraamu was "a different story," but it's the same old story to us. Peter brags about how he uses his yoga experience to "breath from the diaphragm" and demonstrates with a series of deep, long breaths. New Age music plays as Peachy cites "Peter's breathing techniques" as the reason the tribe got fire. I would credit the fire to the magnifying glass, but whatever. Sarah and Rob were attracted to each other; Sarah and Rob slept together in the tribe's raft; Sarah and Rob wanted to make a hot tub. Meanwhile, the other members of the tribe look jealous. Flirt, snark, flirt, snark, flirt, snark. Gina tells us that she's not sure if the relationship is sexual or strategic. If it was strategic, by now we all know it didn't work out so well.
It's Day 2. I can't believe it's only Day 2. Twenty-two to go. Will every paragraph of this recap begin "It's Day __" and how endless will that seem?
Remember when Kathy was determined to a start fire at Rotu, but John was "wiped"? Remember when the tribe ganged up on Kathy about the fire, and remember when you thought she couldn't possibly last to the final eight? Remember that? Heh.
Now it's time for the all-new voodoo doll clip. Except it's not new, because we just saw much of this footage in the pre-credits. The Moppet uses the tribe's machete to pretend to saw at the doll while humming the theme to Jaws or some other horror movie-like song. Peachy tells us, "Rotu planned on sticking it to Maraamu," in the first challenge, and then we already get reclipped -- within five minutes of the clip's first appearance -- as Robert introduces his voodoo doll again. He proudly says they'll pass the doll around and everyone will get a shot at it. The voodoo doll appears to be wearing a little hood. Robert stabs the doll's shoulder in case they're rowing in the challenge, and Kathy is upset because the pin "won't go in its head." Neleh gleefully announces that she wishes "sore arms" upon the other tribe. Kathy's nipple brings us to a new scene.
No food, no water, no fire. We knew, we know, we will know. By now, it is ingrained on our very psyches.
Peter Pandit is annoying. He likes to talk about his various orifices, and wants the others to know he's not just a "magical, mystical person." He says he can divine the truth from looking in people's eyes, and Gina points out that some people will look him in the eye and lie to him. Oooh, sneaky new clips. Peter Pandit says he knows that neither he nor Gina have alliances, and Hunter says that alliances mean nothing at this point in the game, anyway. Peter Pandit doesn't know that, though. Sean jumps in to say that there are no alliances right now, but Peter Pandit doesn't know that, either. In a confessional Vecepia tells us the game has "drifted from survival to a paranoia state," and Peter Pandit has taken it to the extreme. Peter Pandit tells Sean that he can tell from everyone's faces the outcome of that evening's Tribal Council. Sean thinks people are just tired and hungry, but Peter insists that it's better to get it out now, because they won't be able to talk later. Peachy voice-overs that even though Patricia and Sarah got votes, "Peter [Pandit's] instincts were correct." He's the first; seven more to go.
It's a cameo scuttling crab! First it looks like some brush, but then it scuttles! That, I believe, is new footage. Because I know my scuttling crabs.
Maraamu was upbeat! They had a radio show!
But at Rotu, they're all about the work. Clips of the squiggy food. We learn something critical to our understanding of the development of the Rotu tribe: they had peppers. Teensy tiny little red and yellow peppers found by the Moppet. They're the moppets of peppers. The tribe congratulates each other on spicing up their meals until the Moppet eats a moppet pepper and starts squealing. We seem them chopping up the moppet peppers into even tinier pieces: minced moppet peppers. Neleh enthusiastically says, "Coconut, lime, and peppers!" Good girl, learning her fruits and vegetables.
Over at Maraamu, they're trying something new as well. Rob tries to "fry up a little papaya," but has no idea how it will turn out. Gina, watching, looks dismayed. Rob brings the final product over to Gina and Hunter, and Hunter refuses to eat it until Rob does first, because it's his "concoction." Rob nibbles and pronounces it good; he nibbles some more and concludes that it "tastes like...warm papaya!" Hee. Hee. Laughter. Rob's so silly. When he's not threatening to bash in his tribemates' kneecaps.
Momma bosses people around. Momma wants to put the tools away. Momma wants sunscreen rubbed in her armpits by fine-looking young men. Not in this clips show, maybe, but she does. Sean tells us, "Oh no, Momma got to work. Momma can't sit down." Momma will take a forced time-out momentarily, but we're not supposed to know that yet.
In fifteen minutes, we've had fifteen seconds of fresh clips. Just in case you were wondering.
On Day 5, the tribes compete for fishing gear. Kathy couldn't dive then and she still can't dive now. She acts like she's going to dive, and maybe she even thinks she's diving, but she never tips her head at the last minute. In other words, Kathy belly flops. Rotu won fins.
On Day 6, Kathy orgasms over a fork in the tree mail. Peachy says getting utensils with the mail could only mean one thing, and at that moment we hear Paschal say, "A food challenge!" Although he does not say "a gross food challenge!" It's time for the fafaru-eating, when Rob chokes -- both literally and figuratively. So Maraamu loses it's third challenge in a row, returns to Tribal Council, and unloads Patricia. Peachy then tells us that Maraamu "lost their second tribe member," in case we didn't figure that out from it being their second Tribal Council, and from watching the exits of Peter Pandit and Patricia.
Day 7 is a "lesson in pain for Rotu" (and the recap show is a lesson in pain for those of us watching), when Kathy pees on John's hand. That isn't supposed to be the painful part, but it's the part that pains me. Basically, John got a handful of sea urchin before, and then revealed his new mantra, "Need pee, need pee, need pee."
On Day 8, a dashing Peachy delivers bamboo and rope to the tribes with the words, "I come bearing supplies for your challenge." A rock climbs into Robert's shoe and slices up his toe, then John gets bit by an eel and wails. Not even pierced fingers and eel bites and sliced toes can stop Rotu, though, as they win another challenge.
The cliffs are pretty, and it's Day 9. We're not even halfway there yet. The cliffs are no longer pretty. They are the cliffs of endless, repetitive doom. Maraamu goes on a hike together and Hunter explains that Patricia had found a stream on the other side of the hill. And just in the nick of time...new footage! New, boring footage, but we take what we can get. Hunter tells us they decided to check out the stream in order to "do something together as a tribe." That seems like an odd thing to say considering all they do every day is sit around as a tribe. The guitar riff from "Go Ask Alice" by Jefferson Airplane may or may not be playing in the background. Actually, I don't really know what a "guitar riff" is, but it sounds cool. And also, it's definitely not "Go Ask Alice" playing, but it sounded close enough for me to immediately make the connection. Peachy does not pop up and start yodeling for the tribe members to remember what the door mouse said. I wish he would. In any case, the tribe gets lost and ends up on a steep trail. Sean complains that the trail is "a whole lot, for me." How, then, did Patricia do it? Sean and Rob are resistant to climbing all the way down such a steep trail just to turn around and climb back up. Scratch, scratch, scratch goes Sarah. Sean tells us that Hunter is "up and always looking busy," but he thinks, "We didn't get put on this island to come and exert ourselves in this tropical heat." He wants to "damn all this other work," and concentrate on winning the "damn challenges." Damn straight.
Now Peachy tells us that the tribes "battled it out in the coconut maze race." How silly does that sound? Rotu wins, making for a very happy Moppet. Like Zoe last week, we learn that Hunter -- though pretty as he is -- was not shaved by Mark Burnett either.
Rob is Maraamu's "puppet master." He likes loyal, fearful puppets, and Hunter, being more of a Miss Piggy then a Kermit, gets voted out.
On Day 10, the competitors face the "biggest twist yet," for which Peachy encourages them to "follow [their] gut[s]." The group stands on disks to determine a brand new division of the tribes, thereby mooting all victories and losses made so far in the game. Zoe remains on Rotu, and still gives Peachy her death glare. Rob and Sarah are "torn apart." From each other, though. Not, like, to shreds. Peachy says it is "time to play a brand-new game." It's also time for some brand-new clips, but he doesn't seem to care much about that.
Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh are new Maraamus. They like fruit.
The new Rotus -- Sean, Vee, and Rob -- like the Rotu waterfall, but don't like their new position in the tribe. Sean appears unable to walk in crotch-deep water. He then makes a throat-slitting gesture and says the switch-up "ain't too bad."
It's Day 11, and screaming on the soundtrack yields to screaming by Vecepia. We learn that Sean introduced the new tribe to "the radio program." Sean is way too into the radio shtick -- making staticky noises and then emulating the turning of the dial, with snatches of dialogue and singing. Beside him, Robert is more interested in the finer points of a piece of coconut. Vee tells us that when they landed at Rotu camp they told the others about their camp activities like "the early morning show," and the others were "more than willing to try it." Sean announces that "no longer are they down with the Maruachu [sic]," and says he could never say the tribe's name right, so why should he start now. He asks John to give a "food report," and John talks about raw coconut and "watch[ing] those spines" of sea urchins. Then Tammy diplomatically tells us in a confessional that the former Maraamus brought a "sense of humor" to the group and it was fun, but she doesn't sound very convinced. Sean wants the Moppet to give an overall report on the island, and the Moppet thinks he needs an Australian accent to do so. He rambles on and ends with some positive crap about "pull[ing] through in the end." Sean tells us that the new tribe looked like they really enjoyed the radio show, and a yellow-teethed Vee looks particularly pleased. Sean is happy that they can bond in "other ways than just working." It's not so much about the "bond[ing]" part for him, though, as about the "than just working." Tammy's segment reveals that "the in people will be sporting lovely new buffs," and then cites the different ways one might wear a buff, not including en route to the trash dumpster or the insane asylum. Sean concludes the radio show with, "And remember God loves you."
Day 12 means halfway! Peachy tells us that this immunity challenge is "all about the weaving." They have to unscramble a tapestry puzzle, and Rotu functions like a "well-oiled machine," winning again. So Maraamu heads off to another Tribal Council, and Sarah scratches her way right off the island.
On Day 13, John becomes suspicious of the Moppet's golden good looks and ambiguous sexuality: You're playing the game. This is not a commune. There's no free love. Why don't you love me back, Moppet? John threatens to throw blood on Tammy to win her allegiance and then swears on his mother's life. Tammy will most certainly kick his ass if he's lying. So John successfully -- for the time being, anyway -- creates an alliance with Zoe, Tammy, and Robert, with the Moppet as "his first victim."
Peachy tells us the Maraamu "little tribe of four" was a "huge underdog." They pray. Peachy does not say that with prayer, all things are possible. Vee probably does, though. Gina talks about it being "our time now" and Peachy voice-overs that she is correct. Maraamu finally wins a challenge by participating in blindfolded tiki building. Or something like that, anyway. They raid Rotu's camp while Mark Burnett plinks away at his xylophone. Kathy wishes she'd taken Rob's frying pan. The rest of us wish she'd taken Rob's frying pan and hit him over the head with it. Then herself.
It's now Day 14, and John tries to get Sean to join his alliance in ousting the Moppet. He also warns Sean to be "tight" and "keep your mouth quiet." Sean thinks this is a dumb move, and wants us to "stay tuned." The tribes build S.O.S. signals for immunity. Fat Albert and the Cosby kids drop by to help Rotu with their sign, but in the end, Maraamu wins by dressing Paschal up like a little "pilgrim boy" and making him wave an American flag. Peachy announces that, "The little mouse tribe of Maraamu roared again." Kathy could hardly be described as a "little mouse," but she certainly does "roar" a lot. They celebrate!
Rob approaches the Moppet on Day 15 to try to start something up against John. Rob wants to know if the Moppet is committed to the way he intends to play the game. We don't hear the Moppet's response, which we now know would have been, "Yes, I am one hundred percent committed to keeping my word to people who do not keep their word to me, and to getting voted off tomorrow." Another Tribal Council, another victim. Peachy tells us that, in the end, the Moppet was "true to his word," and was not there to play the game, but for the experience.
On Day 16 Maraamu was "one happy little family," but Kathy felt stupid because she couldn't catch a fish. She and Gina sit side by side on a pretty rock. Gina voice-overs that they were talking about their plans to return to grad school, as well as Gina's "dream job." We join in the conversation, where Gina explain that she'd like to own a "cabin restaurant -- like, uh, made out like a log cabin restaurant -- in Alaska." Kathy then tells us that Gina is "still aspiring" toward her dreams. She does not say, "But my dreams are all dead, and I am a cold, bitter shell of a person." Really, I pity the person who -- in one way or another -- is not aspiring toward his or her dreams. Kathy says that Gina is hard-working, sweet, "bone honest" and driven. She's the best little Watermelon Queen this side of the equator! Gina continues telling Kathy, "And I would come out and greet everybody and give 'em free coffee." Kathy guffaws, but then insists that it's a great idea. Gina also says, "Every once in a while maybe I'd make some home-made biscuits." So basically, Gina wants a log cabin where she can give away coffee and occasionally make biscuits? Kathy tells Gina to make the dream happen now, because Gina can always go back to school. Kathy says it would be great if Gina could find her dream, and points out that Gina could also help out with the wildlife in Alaska. Gina tells us in a confessional that she felt like she was talking to a good friend about what she wanted to do with her life. Aw.
It's still Day 16. Will this day never end? The members of Maraamu are astonished to discover a Moppet-less Rotu. The challenge -- in part -- consists of a running race between Paschal and Rob. Also, there's comedy gold while John and Robert try to figure out how to row a canoe in a forward motion. There's a clip I don't mind watching again. Peachy tells us that "the tiny tribe" won again, but all the good stuff about the reversed decision gets left out. And Peachy sounds an awful lot like a size queen. The tribe wins a picnic. Neleh "LOVE[S]" picnics.
It's finally Day 17, and stresses at Rotu have "reached a boiling point." Zoe argues the different between an "alliance" and a "friendship," and then Rob wants to be told flat-out that there isn't an alliance, but John refuses to do so. Rob wants to know if he has "stupid" written on his forehead, and he'll be able to see for himself soon enough, since there are mirrors back at the lodge. After a series of trust me!/trust you?/ trust me?/trust you!s they agree to vote off the Maraamus first after the merge. John doesn't want Rob to "try to fuck [him]." Not even just a little.
The immunity is critical for Rob. He leads Rotu through a maze!
It's now Day 18 and the sixth Tribal Council. Gina becomes the tribe's last casualty, as "old tribal lines held fast." Kathy promised to take Gina to Alaska and buy her the restaurant, which we didn't hear during the voting the first time around, and which seems like an awfully generous promise to me. Gina's torch gets sweetly extinguished.
One member from each tribe heads off on a journey on Day 19. Kathy and Rob become "ambassadors" for the merge, and celebrate over pizza, beer, and -- we're supposed to think, anyway -- some hot jungle lovin'. Partying soon turns to more important conversation: the fact that Rob is an uncaring, "lazy bum." They trade gossip from the tribes, grow increasingly vulnerable, and decide never to vote against each other. It's nighttime, and Kathy keeps her pants on.
Day 20. They wake up for breakfast and Kathy broadly grins from inside the tent. They get pastries, and we didn't see any pastries when the episode aired. Kathy tells us that the morning was amazing, particularly being on a pillow with cushions under her body. Rob and Kathy toast each other, and Rob says the donuts are "out of control!" Kathy says, "There are donuts?" But it turns out that "pastry" is too fancy a word for Rob, and so he's just been calling them "donuts" to avoid challenging his vocabulary. We learn that they then "pounded out a name" for the new tribe. Kathy talks it through with, "Soliantu, Soliantu, Soliantus, Soliantus" and then explains that they took the words "sun," "alliance," and "sacred" and combined them. Also, they wanted to be able to shout the tribe's name after winning a victory. But there are only individual challenges remaining, so why would one shout the tribe's name? On that note, why would one even shout one's own name? Kathy concludes that Soliantu means "sacred alliance of sun and fire." They think the hot pink flag looks cool. Rob tells us that Kathy was "awesome company," and he's amazed that they got everything done, but what else did they have to do? Rob says he had a "wonderful time" that morning, but a "wonderful, wonderful night." Eh-hem.
They then return together to Maraamu, where Kathy shrieks and runs around while the others attempt to pack up the camp in five minutes. Rob reveals their new pink buffs, and Neleh is excited because that's BARBIE'S FAVORITE COLOR!
The Maraamus are greeted by the Rotus, and Rob now displays the new flag. They cheer! Soliantu! Rob looks excited that it sounds so good when cheered aloud, and he should be...because it's the last time he'll ever hear it.
On Day 21, "good cheer" -- along with all cheering in general -- disappeared when Rob confronted Zoe about the alliance in front of Kathy. Rob thinks it's "unbelievable" and wants Zoe to tell the truth. Peachy tells us, "Kathy, disillusioned and angry, fled to the waterfall," where we join her shaking her head and talking to herself while manically grinning. She does not start banging her head against the rocks, or freaking out because "Wapner's on." She tells us she needs immunity.
In the challenge, the players have to outbalance each other on a wiggly platform at sea. Kathy wins, and belly flops to victory, thus claiming immunity. And a belly flop rating a 10.0.
Rob and John go at it again. You betrayed me. I betrayed you? You both betrayed each other already, okay? Peachy then tells us that all the "drama" in camp, "brought about Rob's demise," which isn't quite true since I'd say what brought on his demise is the fact that he quite possibly does have the word "stupid" written on his forehead.
On Day 22, Kathy confronts Zoe, who lies again. Each time we see a clip of Zoe lying, she never gets any better at it.
Later, they find kite-building materials in their treemail, and Tammy's under-construction kite blows over on her, while Paschal anticipates a "miserable failure." Rob tells Paschal to "go fly a kite," and then Peachy artfully segues to the actual challenge with, "And so they did." Kathy wins once again, and then experiences the "serene world of Marquesan marine life," while back on land Sean "fight[s] for his survival." We know, we know: Sean is frustrated; Sean talks to Vee; Sean talks to Kathy; Kathy wants to get Neleh and Paschal; Sean wants to get Kathy's hand off his thigh.
It is -- at long last -- Day 24. Where does the time go? Into that black pit of stinking despair known as Survivor specials quite obviously. The tribe is now at the "elimination immunity challenge," answering trivia questions and taking down each other's coconut bundles. Peachy cites "the alliance's arrogant display of the pecking order," and we note that Sean, Vee, and Kathy -- the first taken out of the challenge -- are peeved. After Tammy wins immunity, Neleh and Paschal finally catch on to the alliance, and decide to take matters into their own hands. Neleh says she's worked too hard to go out fifth or sixth.
Peachy now reveals that Vee came forward and apologized to Sean for voting against Rob. She says John approached her six days into the tribal switch-up and wanted her to join in their group, so she agreed. She was planning on going along with them to the final five. Oooh, that sneaky, sneaky Vee. Sean is too loyal, and appears to accept her apology. He just wishes she'd have "trusted a brother a little more." Vee contritely says, "I've done wrong with you," and "straight up" apologizes. With Vee back on board, the new grouping of Kathy, Sean, Vee, Neleh, and Paschal hatches a plan to rid Soliantu of John, while Neleh repeatedly pats herself on the back for being "totally honest." Sean tells us that they are now all convinced that the "four horsemen" have an alliance. And I'm convinced that they have an alliance, as well, but not that they need to be called the "four horsemen."
So in the eighth Tribal Council, John gets voted out, and the alliance is broken. Sadly, this "special" does not include his tearful final words, although it does include his salute to Peachy. Peachy explains that John will return as a member of the jury, and promises that over the fifteen days the Soliantu tribe will "experience the culture and the game in ways unlike any survivors before them." Pictures of the S8 faces, including a pig-tailed Vee, and a pilgrim-costumed Paschal, take us to break.
You can wear your Survivor buff "anywhere and everywhere!" but why in the world would you? And if you do, please send me an email. Or don't; please don't send me an email.
time on Survivor, it's a whole "new era" at Soliantu. Zoe's a bitch, but not a tease. She's not a goddess on her knees. But when she hurts and when she suffers, she's an angel undercover. Or something like that, anyway.
As the credits role, we get our very last clip. Sean wants Vee to hand him the "radio" which is really a coconut. They then sing what is evidently the show's jingle, "It's the wake-up show! It's the wake-up show! It's the wake-up show! Huh!"
And now, my friends: it's the end-of-the-show! It's the end-of-the-show! It's the end-of-the-show! Huh!