The End of Innocence

Leave it to Mark Burnett. Just when you think you know how this game works, the unthinkable happens: Maraamu wins a challenge. And then they win another one. Because when Paschal and Neleh comprise half of any winning team, you just know there's some larger power at work. And when they comprise half of a winning team twice in a row...well, God may be still good (as Vecepia insisted last week), but Mark Burnett's always a fucker.

In any case, last week on Survivor, the tribes were switched up, and Peachy proclaimed it a new game for everyone. Rob, Sean, and Vecepia became members of the new Rotwo tribe, where they revolted against the worst four-letter word of them all: work. Sean and Rob complained, but Vecepia just "bunk[ed] that." The new Maraanu tribe (consisting of Sarah, Gina, Paschal, Kathy, and Neleh) lost yet another challenge and voted off Sarah, who then proudly discussed her fake breasts in a national publication.

Drums beat, and a many-legged insect scurries at Rotwo on Day 13. A very buff Tammy does push-ups, and a buffer-than-expected Zoe fetches water. Rob drinks from a coconut shell, makes a wincing face, and proclaims the beverage "kinda gross, huh?" He spits out the milk, and Tammy looks bothered. In a voice-over, Rob explains that the tribes were switched up three days ago, and that he's not happy about it. He says he had everything under control (and not to mention a fine piece of ass) at Maraamu, but he's suddenly in the minority because of the 5-3 original Rotu/original Maraamu breakdown of Rotwo. Now Zoe drinks from a coconut and proclaims it the "nectar of the gods."

Sean sleeps on the tribe's raft as Rob tells us in a confessional that Sean "definitely is done with the game." He says that Sean just lies around and doesn't try to fit in at all. But that's not any different from how he behaved before the switch-up, so Rob's point is lost on me. In any case, Rob is "definitely almost positive" that Sean will be the to go. If it's not Sean, Rob says, it will be himself or Vecepia, the latter of whom has the better chance because she's a good ass-kisser. He makes a big, smoochy sound to demonstrate said ass-kissing and grins, "You know what I'm sayin'?" Incidentally, officials at Boston University are currently reevaluating their admissions process. Immediately, we cut to a shot of Vecepia talking to Tammy; Vecepia's not puckering up, but she might as well be. Rob tells us that he wanted to try to make some kind of agreement or alliance with the former members of Rotu. We see Rob asking the others whether they consider the new Rotwos to be as much a part of the tribe as Neleh, Kathy, and Paschal were. As far as Tammy's concerned, the new members are Rotwos, and she says, "Right now, that's what we deal with." "Deal with" is the key there. Because who "deal[s] with" pleasant and wonderful things? "What we deal with," in that sentence, is just code for "crap we cannot change." Robert rambles on Dr. Seuss-like for a bit about who's more Rotwo than who. He concludes that since Rob's in the tribe now, he's full-fledged Rotwo, and The Moppet agrees. In a confessional, The Moppet acts like the former members of Maraamu just dropped a Coca-Cola bottle into the Rotu camp. He says that they "brought the game with them," and people are now corrupted by worries about how long they'll last. He drama-queens, "It's started here at our camp now." I think it started when they applied to be contestants on a game called Survivor, but The Moppet seems to have lost sight of that. Zoe and the former members of Maraamu head off on a hike as The Moppet explains to us that his first intention was to create a society with "seven strangers," and that things have completely changed since the switch. I now realize his problem: he thinks he's on The Real World Marquesas.

While the new members of the tribe are no doubt off lazing about somewhere, the original Rotus discuss how differently the two original tribes approached the game. Tammy thinks that Maraamu was cutthroat from the beginning (while Rotu is only getting cutthroat now), and proclaims it "really interesting;" John acts amazed that the other tribe has actually lied to each other. Robert, who always seems to be eating something, has a very protrusive lower jaw. He's also very cartoonish, and simian. I think I just described Magilla Gorilla. John says, "I mean, these are, like, real relationships," and Robert slaps him down, "Not like 'em. They are real relationships." John continues rambling that the game is about being honest and sticking to ethics. ["Is John from a planet where Survivor has never aired? Good lord." -- Wing Chun] The Moppet asks what the ethics of the game are, and John answers, "To me, it's tell the truth." The Moppet hacks at a coconut and shakes his head, and John asks, "Are you saying that you would lie to win this game?" The Moppet says that he's not even there to play the game. As he poses for the statue he expects they'll one day erect of him, he says, "I'm here for what we had; I'm here for that society that we had of eight people. I'm here to see if eight people from all over the country -- from eight different kinds of lives -- can come here and do this and live and be happy and build something amazing." I think The Moppet got a bad coconut. ["Is The Moppet from the same planet John came from? I mean, I know Rotu had a good run of it with the immunity, but he did realize that eventually those eight people would be whittled down to two, right? RIGHT?" -- Wing Chun] John isn't happy with this answer and asks again, "But would you lie to win the game?" The Moppet insists that he's not there to play the game, and John argues that he is there to play the game because he's there right now, playing the game. This whole argument is stupid: I mean, if The Moppet would lie to play the game, then why wouldn't he lie to John right now and cut the whole argument off at its knobby knees? But John's obviously looking to bump his competition and The Moppet's obviously looking to come off as some...well, commie pinko; so the argument goes on. Endlessly. In a confessional, John snits, "You're not here on a commune. You know, this is not the '60s, and you know, free love and all that kinda stuff." And speaking of that other beloved reality television program, I hope MTV has been listening, and at this very moment is casting The Real World Kibbutz. Now The Moppet sits alone cross-legged against a stump and stares at his hands while the other Rotwos sit together. John tells us in a confessional that after the switch, it should have been "game on" for Rotu, but he could tell immediately that something wasn't right. He determines to watch The Moppet carefully and "deal with him accordingly."

Are there dogs frolicking on this island? I think I saw a few.

Peaceful music brings us to Maraanu. Because its members may to varying degrees be scrawny and old (and in the case of one tribe member, quite possibly half-witted), but they have heart. They also have religion, and we join them as they pray. Gina tells us that the vibe after Sarah's exit was very good; she thinks the other members of Maraanu wanted Sarah gone as much as she did. She explains that they all bonded and knew their team was complete at that point. The tribe sits together and Neleh comments that it's nice and peaceful at Maraanu camp. It reminds Paschal of living in a "little ole country town." Kathy finds that hysterically funny for some reason. Oh yeah, she has no sense of humor. In a confessional, Neleh bugs her eyes out and says that they all have an energy and spirit that drives them to want to win. Gina, meanwhile, has a feeling that they'll be victorious in the challenge.

Paschal tells Kathy that, during the night, he kept hearing noises and thought it was crabs eating the tribe's basket. He seems a bit disturbed by this. It's not like they were teenage crabs and grinding, though, so I don't know why he's so bothered. Gina tells us that Kathy and Paschal were going to go get crabs ["hee hee hee" -- Wing Chun], and so she and Neleh offered to join them; she says it was their first act as a tribe that meant something. They creep very slowly through the woods as Kathy explains in a voice-over that they were under some acacia trees when "all of a sudden, these dudes -- these androids" appeared. She says they were just going back and forth, and imitates them. Either that, or a typewriter. She tells us that the crabs were very easy to catch, and this is followed by sped-up footage of the last few moments of the crabs' lives. Defensive, preyed-upon scuttling crabs are not nearly so entertaining as frolicking crabs going about their daily business. Gina thinks it's "hilarious" that the crabs think they're hiding from their attackers. A crab pinches Kathy, who miraculously does not pick it up and pinch it back. The four Maraanus chase and bag crabs; Kathy tells us they got a total of twelve, and that "the crabs then came back to camp." The advent of the crabs to camp sounds very ominous, but then nothing much happens. I was expecting a major crab revolt once they hit Maraanu, but all I got was one measly crab momentarily escaping from Kathy. Neleh dumps the crabs into boiling water as Kathy explains in a voice-over that they cooked the crabs, but it unfortunately takes a lot of effort to get the meat out. Unless you're born and bred in Maryland, in which case you can pick a crab faster than you can say "down'ee ocean, hon." Still, Kathy explains that the reward of "fresh, lumpy crab meat" is huge. A close-up of a big hunk of crab meat looks appetizing, but a pile of picked-at crab carcasses...not so much. Kathy tells us they were "pickin' away" at everything that was edible, and we see a huge plate full of crab meat. Kathy explains they ate huge spoonfuls of the crab meat and weren't "dainty at all." And if you've ever eaten crabs, "dainty" is not the word you'd use, even under the most civilized conditions. Gina says, "You couldn't ask for anything better," but Neleh thinks maybe some crackers would be nice. It's slightly sickening to see a happy Neleh; but then, a sad Neleh is kind of sickening too. Neleh's just a little bit off. In any case, they all comment on how delicious the crab is, and Kathy posits that it's a "morale booster." Not for the other crabs on the island, I'll bet. In a confessional, Gina says they all have the winning spirit, adding, "It's our time." Paschal promises us that they'll win today. If not, he'll dress up like a pilgrim and run up and down the beach waving a flag. Oh, wait -- he'll do that anyway.

Suddenly, it's challenge time. Wait...no clue? And it's not even my birthday! The tribes approach, and I'm guessing at this point that there's some sort of penalty if they lose physical contact with each other. Peachy points out that Sarah is out of the game and Maraanu is down to four people, while Rotwo still has a full tribe of eight. The camera pans to Rob's face as if to show his reaction to the announcement that Sarah is gone, but I'm betting that even Rob could tell who was missing from Maraanu without Peachy's narration.

Peachy explains that today's reward challenge will require teamwork and trust. Four "tikis" for each tribe have been "deconstructed" (and I know I spent too long in academia when my immediate first thought was of cigarette-wielding graduate students discussing the tikis' latent homosexuality) and scattered in the surrounding area. Three members of each tribe will be blindfolded, and a fourth member will be the tribe's "set of eyes." These callers will direct their blindfolded members to the tiki pieces in the field. Once the fourteen pieces are returned to the starting point by the blindfolded players, they can remove their blindfolds and -- along with their caller -- begin reassembling the tikis. The first tribe with four properly constructed tikis wins the reward, which Peachy says "is a big one." He explains that the winning tribe will visit the losing tribe's beach, "and then gets to basically raid the camp." Oohing and aahing and "oh my God"-ing ensues, along with Kathy's ear-splitting laughter. Peachy thinks this reward is a "chance to get in this game" for Maraamu, and "a chance to put the nail in the coffin" for Rotwo.

Vecepia, Sean, Rob, and Zoe are chosen to sit out for Rotwo. Blindfolding shots follow, and Peachy swats at John's face to make sure he's not faking it. Or maybe it's just fun to swat at John. Tammy, John, and Robert line up side by side holding hands, because it's much easier to pick things up while holding hands. Tammy insists that it will be fun, and Robert unconvincingly says, "Yeah, this is fun." Magilla Gorillas don't like chasing tikis while blindfolded. The callers are The Moppet and Kathy, obviously.

So the challenge begins, and so does the shouting, stumbling, shuffling. Sadly, it's scuttle-free. The Moppet yells directions at John while the others presumably just stand around. Then John appears to be without directions for all of a second and panics, repeatedly saying, "Gabe?...Gabe?" Kathy tells Paschal to take a right when she means a left. She then tells him he's "sitting on it" when he's near a tiki. Paschal trips on a stump while Gabe yells, "Hear my voice? My voice?" to his flailing tribemates. It reminds me of the time when my parents took us to Lake George in New York for vacation and we stayed at a lodge that modeled itself after Kellerman's in Dirty Dancing except it was about twenty years too late for that sort of organized activity to go over, and we didn't enjoy sitting with the mulleted family we were paired up with during every meal, or the wasp-infested tennis courts. And after dinner they had "shows," including a ninety-year-old tutu-ed woman and her "trained" poodles, and a hypnotist who couldn't pronounce the "v" sound and instead kept insisting that we "listen to [his] woice!" But I digress.

Back at the challenge...throughout the field are also scattered various other items like logs and oars which are confusing to the blindfolded competitors. Robert really wants a log to be a tiki, but The Moppet finally convinces him to put it down. Neleh wipes out, and Kathy actually apologizes. On the sidelines, Zoe hits Sean, and they laugh, apparently because Neleh fell. Hee. Meanwhile, The Moppet may or may not be playing with his nipples. Robert and Tammy plow into each other, and Rob on the sidelines is so amused by all of this. Kathy yells, "Right, right, right!" and Neleh snaps, "Who, right?" making for one pissed-off and still possibly half-witted Sweetpea. Paschal and John play a little game of "Miss Lucy had a Steamboat" while trying to get around each other. Kathy yells for Paschal to move, but he's just sort of slapping at John, who stands in his way. Finally, they get past each other and The Moppet tells John to go straight for "ten feet" which can't be easy to gauge when you're blindfolded. Suddenly, John cuts across the screen with both arms raised in front of him, high-footing it, and he also looks like a Thriller zombie, just as Vecepia did a few weeks back, so maybe these people saw the video on the plane over.

Finally, John returns with a tiki and The Moppet thinks it's the last one they need. The sidelined Rotwo members immediately start counting while The Moppet keeps yelling that the piece John brought back is the last one. He's just about to tell the tribe to remove their blindfolds when Peachy points out that they only have thirteen pieces and are missing one. The Moppet still insists on counting them himself. When he realizes that are indeed short a tiki, he searches for it desperately, but can't find it. Finally, he spots it hiding behind a tree and sends a zig-zagging John on his way. John artfully steps over a fallen tree, so I'm wondering now if he can't see at least a little. Meanwhile, the members of Maraanu have collected all of their tikis, removed their blindfolds, and begun the assembly process. As John returns to the starting point with Rotwo's errant tiki, he runs through Maraanu's space and nearly takes down two of their semi-erected tikis, which would have been an interesting twist. Kathy, incidentally, calls the tiki pieces "this guy" and "that guy." Now the members of Rotwo remove their blindfolds and almost appear to catch up, but despite Kathy's bossy ineffectiveness and constant shrieking, Maraanu wins anyway. Peachy proclaims the tribe victorious, and they're happy with the smiling and the jumping and the yelling. Rotwo, meanwhile, looks pissed. Peach says they'll head over to Rotwo's camp, and advises, "Maraamu, prepare to raid." It's good to see Maraanu win for once, but it's better to see people tripping over each other.

Maraanu travels via speedboat to Rotwo's camp; they then disembark and hold hands as they wade to shore. For the record, they don't actually hold hands while attempting to collect items from Rotwo's camp. As Peachy welcomes them, he says there are certain things they must leave during the two-minute raid: one knife, one cooking pot, one water container, the magnifying glass, and any personal items. Which eliminates the taking of the picture of Tammy's "picture of fianc and dog." "Anything else," Peachy says, "is fair game." The theme from Pac-Man may or may not play in the background as Maraanu begins gobbling up power pellets in search of the roving pretzel. Rotwo stands in a line and watches. Maraanu goes for the fins, food, and blankets; Gina shakes a coconut before deciding to take it. They also score what looks like a trove of vegetables. Hey, where'd those come from? As the competition comes to a close, Rotwo looks less and less pleased by the situation. Paschal kisses Gina, and the Moppet looks upset, although I don't believe the two are related. Then John and The Moppet console each other, which is ironic in light of later events. Peachy tells Maraanu to gather their new belongings, because the boat is waiting for them. Someone on Rotwo yells, "Bye, pirates!" which is kind of funny, then Rob starts smacking the frying pan against his leg, which makes a clanking sound. Is he made of metal or something? He yells that they forgot the pan, and Kathy laments having left it behind because she knows no mercy.

Rotwo recovers in the aftermath of the looting. Tammy's an ass-kicker, I think. And I like 'er. Rob looks very put out, which is kind of silly since he didn't actually earn any of the things Rotwo lost. In a confessional, Robert tells us that the raid was like the rug being pulled from beneath his hairy feet. Tammy attempts to stop the other members of the tribe from wallowing in self-pity, and suggests that they split up to gather what they'll need for dinner. In a confessional, Vecepia talks about facing adversity and being at a weak point, and I was sure there'd be some God or Jesus reference thrown in, but instead she talks about the importance of coming together as a unit. We see as Vecepia offers, for the first time, to do something around camp; well technically, she's kind of asked to do it, but she doesn't argue or make a fuss about it. Vecepia thinks the looting was the perfect opportunity for the tribe to "mesh." The Moppet pulls some roots out of his pockets and hands them to Sean, which is supposed to represent "mesh[ing]," I suppose. Something or someone yodels.

Now the members of Maraanu are back at their camp, and Kathy tells us that they had a great time bringing their booty to shore. We see her exclaim because they now have Rotu's crate lid as a cutting board. Kathy tells us that they relished every item they took from Rotwo, but she's more excited that they put a "dent in the big tribe" and that the others will finally "experience a loss." How big of her. Neleh is particularly happy for Gina because "she doesn't know what it feels like to win." I'm sure Gina has, at some point in her life, experienced a win. Actually, she had the biggest win of all...Watermelon Queen! Gina points out their new stuff, and is particularly excited by "all their hot peppers." Despite their new belongings, they're still just standing around eating the fruit from their own camp. Neleh has a cute new red bathing suit. Red bathing suits look good on half-wits, and it helps you spot them when they go missing in the woods. Paschal recalls the old saying, "They took everything but the kitchen sink" and concludes, "I think we took the kitchen sink." Kathy tells us in a confessional that this latest win beat anything she experienced at Rotwo.

A big crab sits beside a little crab. The little crab mixes it up like it's scratching a record, and from what we see , the crab has a better sense of rhythm than The Moppet, who is clinging to a teddy bear and attempting to rap. Sean and Vecepia encourage him with straight faces, while Rob looks bemused. While Sean accompanies him on the "bass," The Moppet raps:

Now chillin' on my rap in the South Pacific
Lookin' at my home is gonna be terrific
Got a little taro cooking on the stove
Got a lotta love in my little shack home
Living out here in Survivor Four
Never been south of the equator

Victorious music is already playing for Maraanu, where the tribe members are dressed up like pilgrims. Paschal says, "I've always said not for a million dollars would I do this," and I'm not sure what he's talking about...dressing up like a pilgrim? Neleh tells us she made him wear a hat. Haven't we already seen Paschal wearing a hat? Gina says, "Hot damn!" and Paschal threatens to kill "the pixie." They have used a big neutral-colored tarp, and painted a red bull's-eye in the middle of it. They are also wearing spats. Who knows why? Paschal explains that their "ace in the hole" is his American flag. He says that if they flag can't do it, nothing can. He doesn't say, "The flag! The flag! He's our man!" As the boat approaches, Paschal runs along the shoreline with the flag while Gina and Neleh walk with the tarp. Meanwhile, Kathy waves a huge pole with many flags tied to the end of it. The captain is immediately impressed to see "every color red on the sand." He points out the red pole and American flag and says, "They attract me." Peachy urges him to make a decision, and the captain decrees Maraanu the winner. On shore, the tribe appears to be slightly demoralized; Kathy yells for help, while Neleh screams at the ship to blow its horn. Gina still looks very hopeful, but also a little sad. Suddenly, the horn sounds and the tribe goes coconuts. They drop the tarp and flag and giant pole and shriekingly have a group hug. We briefly see Rotwo realizing that they've lost, and Zoe says they did the best they could. Back at Maraanu, the boat drops the crated immunity idol way out at sea, and the tribe has to swim out and get it. Good thing they have Rotwo's fins.

Back at Rotwo, The Moppet stretches. His stretching is not accompanied by a gong sound, but by peaceful New Age-y music. Vecepia has her hair pulled down over her face; Zoe approaches and says, "Who is that under there?" which is funny, and the best kind of moment on a show like this. Rob tells John he's feeling better, but I don't remember -- was he sick? John explains that if it's a normal merge, the new Rotwos will stick together and take out the other tribe. The worst any of them will do, then, is seventh place. Rob thanks John for including him, and John says, "Well, we're all one tribe." In a confessional, though, Rob tells us he doesn't believe John. Rob thinks John is "slick," and says he has a plan to get rid of John. Rob talks to Sean about needing to figure out a way "to spin it" in order to gain The Moppet's trust. Sean explains that if they can ally with The Moppet, they'll vote off John: "If you get rid of the head, and then we have numbers, then the rest may fall." I don't know if I'd call John "the head." "The ass" is a more likely description, but then Rotwo is a many-assed animal. Sean talks about the breakdown of Rotwo and, for the umpteenth time, concludes that "unless there's a shakeup," either he or Rob is going . Do you think either Rob or Sean will go ? Because I'm not quite convinced.

So on with the voting. John votes for The Moppet because he proved himself untrustworthy; John says that the game is too far along to be "wishy-washy." As Rob shuffles up to the voting urn, I realize he would have been perfectly cast as Joey's mugger in the recent "special" episode ofDawson's Creek. Tammy also votes for The Moppet, saying, "You're not here to play the game. You don't care about the money. And I'm here to play the game. And I care about the money." That's all we see, which is unusual. At the least, we'd usually see the ejectee's vote to throw us off his track.

Oh, I never noticed that the voting urn has cute little feet. How very Kate Spade of it. Peachy reads The Moppet's name, and The Moppet winces pronouncedly. After hearing his name a second time, The Moppet winks. Third time? He looks pissed off. Fourth time? Mischievous and smiley. He may or may not be trying to make a different face every time his name is called. In any case, the fifth vote means it's Moppet no more. Rob grins as The Moppet turns in his torch. It looks like The Moppet tries to tell Peachy how and when to extinguish his torch, which wouldn't be that unlikely. He exits without feeling himself up, and then Peachy snits to the remaining Rotwos that they just voted out a strong, spirited, hard worker. He wonders aloud how it will play out, and then sends them home.

week on Survivor, Rob wants to know if it looks like he has the word "stupid" written on his forehead. He should just look in a mirror.

As the credits roll, we see that everyone voted for The Moppet, except The Moppet himself, who voted for Rob. He tells the tribe that he misses them already, and that Survivor was a fantastic experience. He thinks his exit is "perfect timing," because he came to "experience" the game, not "play" it. Oh, Moppet: noble, true to his principles, and stupid as all get-out.