A ship's bow cuts through the ocean, accompanied by underwater shots of rushing water, fishing nets, and dolphins; one of the dolphins may or may not be bleeding. I didn't see it, but my friend did, and I wouldn't put it past Mark Burnett to throw in a hemorrhaging dolphin just for the hell of it. Or maybe -- good and noble creatures that they are -- dolphins spontaneously hemorrhage in the presence of the villainy that is the people who make Survivor. Or maybe they got hold of some Mountain Dew. In any case, Just Peachy trots out and tells us that he is on board the "fishing trawler" Amaryllis, which is making its way through the waters of the South Pacific. He drama-queens that "deep inside the hull of this ship," sixteen Americans are about to be abandoned in the Marquesas Islands, "the heart of Tahiti's mystical island." Also deep inside the hull of the ship is a fisherman stringing up some big dead fish. A shot of the new S16 reveals that they are alternately nauseated, bored, concentrating, sweaty, and -- in the case of Sarah -- puking. A progressively more haggard-looking Peachy explains that this new season of Survivor will take place thousands of miles from the nearest continent, on an island that will be the S16's home for the thirty-nine days. The game will be different this time because the competitors will be given "no food; absolutely no rations." Instead, each tribe will leave the boat with "only the barest of essentials": two machetes, two cooking pots, two empty water containers, one frying pan, one fillet knife, and one magnifying glass. They will then be forced to depend on the resources of the land and their own skills to survive. At this point, please insert random sound bits from past seasons consisting of phrases like "new society," "learn to adapt," and "in the end one will remain" to summarize Peachy's repetitive blathering. As the dolphins -- drama queens too, apparently -- leap grandly in tandem with the music, we see headshots of the new S16. Then Peachy poses majestically on the bow of the boat with the S16 surrounding him, posed in equally ridiculous ways. Peachy expounds for the umpteenth time the premise of this show: "Thirty nine days, sixteen people, one Survivor." He leaves out the part about "millions of annoyed viewing-audience members."
The credits are decidedly less violent than those of the third season. No zebras get bloodily devoured, but some Brady Bunch-esque idols appear. The Marquesas Islands are stunningly beautiful, and yet the horizon still must quickly race to maintain our sub-par attention spans.
Peachy's claim that this will be the "adventure of a lifetime" issues forth as an anchor drops. One group -- which includes a curly-headed moppet hereafter to be known as The Moppet -- huddles together. Various shots of the S16 reveal that they are jumping off the trawler and climbing into a huge raft. For the several minutes, there is chaos, consisting of shouting, jumping, and flailing about, accompanied by a smaller amount of nose-holding. Peachy tells us that the S16, who have not yet spoken to each other, have been divided into two competing tribes: Maraamu and Rotu, the Tahitian words for "wind" and "rain." Each tribe will be given -- in addition to their giant raft -- a crate with minimal supplies, but no food or water. Once ditched by the trawler, they face a "difficult two-mile paddle" to their "new homes." One of the rafts is nearly sucked under the boat, which would have been tragic in a hysterically funny sort of way.
As the tribes paddle along, Peachy informs us that the Rotu tribe -- which will always wear blue -- will consist of Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, a real estate agent from Burlington, Vermont; Gabriel "The Moppet" Cade, a bartender from Celo, North Carolina; Tammy Leitner, a crime reporter from Mesa, Arizona; Paschal English, a judge from Thomaston, Georgia; John Carroll, a registered nurse from Omaha, Nebraska; Neleh Dennis, a student from Layton, Utah; Zoe Zanidakis, a fishing boat captain from Mohegan Island, Maine; and Robert DeCanio, a limousine driver from Queens, New York. The ninth member of Rotu is a stingray, who gets his own very long, lingering headshot. Each cast member's introduction is presented along with a hammy background shot of the competitor, the most notable in this group being Tammy, who is posed with her sketch pad in front of an actual jail cell.
Maraamu will always wear yellow, and consists of Gina Crews, a nature guide from Gainesville, Florida; Sean Rector, a teacher from Harlem, New York; Sarah Jones, an account manager from Newport Beach, California; Rob Mariano, a construction worker from Canton, Massachusetts; Vecepia Towery, an office manager from Portland, Oregon; Peter Harkey, a bowling-alley owner from Millis, Massachusetts (and who, in his clip, appears to wear frosted pink lipstick); Patricia Jackson, a truck assembler from Lugoff, South Carolina; and Hunter Ellis, a Federal Express pilot from La Jolla, California. Hunter, we see, is being dragged along behind Maraamu's raft. Or, based on what we see later, perhaps he's mentally propelling the raft forward by reasoning it into exasperated submission.
Grunts and groans accompany an on-screen caption which reminds us that we've rejoined Rotu, and it's still Day One. As they paddle, one of the women complains that they haven't moved in the last half hour. Paschal tells us that the tribe wasn't making any progress and that they were totally exhausted. Then they start paddling in tandem, with The Moppet shouting out orders. Zoe tells us in a confessional that they were singing and trying to get some "sort of a rowing motion" like on "an old whaler there." She says it really brought the group together. Zoe talks like Jack Nicholson and has lips like The Joker. If she's not careful, she might have to be called The Zoeker. Then the tribe arrives on land, and cheering and hugging ensue. Paschal tells us that his first thought was to thank God for letting them land safely. Tammy says that they were psyched to have made it the first part of the way; she seems to think this is a really big accomplishment, like there was some chance they wouldn't actually make it to the island. The tribe does a hand-over-hand on their crate. Because that's what shipwrecked people do: cheer.
Maraamu, meanwhile, is still at float. In a heavily New England-accented confessional Peter tells us that rounding the final bend and seeing their tribe's flag on shore was a great feeling. Then Sean "Puff Catty" Rector tells us that during the final fifty yards, the tribe issued forth a "last heave" to reach land, but Sarah wasn't doing her part. An accompanying shot of Sarah shows that she is holding a staff and yelling at the others to stroke. She then realizes that she's forgotten something, and turns to order the tribe members hanging off the back of the raft to kick. Sean continues telling us that Sarah's arrival at Maraamu was "almost like Cleopatra" as we see a shot of her looking -- in addition to very breasty, for lack of a better word -- Cleopatra-like. Sean continues that during the last leg of the trip, "The servants were paddling and slaving and [Sarah was] sitting on the crate looking so maaaaaahvelous," and then he goes on about her "boobs hanging out" and her "goldilocks in the air." But doesn't Sarah have brown hair? And Sean -- annoying as Sarah already is -- evidently has some issues with the bosoms. More clips: Sarah stands in the middle of the raft while the other members of Maraamu swim it to shore; Sarah squats in the middle of the raft while the other members of Maraamu walk the raft up the beach. Because it's so much easier to haul a raft out of the water when there's a body on it. But really, no one fans her with a palm frond or feeds her grapes in either instance, so I don't know why Sean is making such a big deal of it. Sean finishes up his confessional by telling us that Sarah needs to "save it" because this is Survivor and "ain't nobody trying to look at [her] like that here." Except Rob and half of the viewing audience, anyway.
Once the tribe is finally on land, Sarah's breasts leap from the raft into Rob's arms, and then she just struts up and down the beach while the others start building their camp. Except Sean, that is, who is too busy is rolling in the surf performing a one-man rendition of the most famous scene in From Here to Eternity. He tells us in a confessional that the feeling of reaching land was beyond words. Sadly enough, that doesn't stop him from trying. He says he'd never been near an ocean before because "in the hood, they don't have pools. You know, brothers don't really swim too much." Be that as it may, I have some difficulties -- having looked at his bio -- believing that neither the private Milton S. Hershey School nor the State University of New York had pools, either. With the help of Peter, Sean stops flailing about in the surf and crawls back into the raft. Then Hunter comes over and paws at him; he wants to know if Sean thinks he will "make it." Sean continues telling us in his confessional that he gets emotional when he thinks about the miracles God has performed for him. He concludes, "His hand was under the raft guiding us," and you'll have to excuse the rampant typos here, because my clerical skills deteriorate when I'm consumed by hysterical laughter. Because Sean's God has nothing better to do these days than carry around the fourth cast of Survivor on a raft in the middle of the South Pacific. Sean and Peter now stand in the water clasping each others' hands; Sean's eyes are closed and he's half-crying, half-laughing (which might describe how a lot of us are feeling as we watch this) as he thanks God for leading Maraamu to the shore. Peter looks like he's humoring him, but it's difficult to tell, and we don't know yet that Peter's a nutjob, too. Rob tells us in a confessional that Sean and Peter went into the "wata" and bonded; he refers to their actions as a "prayer/baptism revival." We then switch back to Sean shaking his head back and forth like Stevie Wonder and exalting, "We can do all things through Christ!" Rob tells us that this display revealed that Sean and Peter have already started playing the game, or else they are "definitely off their rockers." Hee. And what a trashily charming smile he has. Sean has finally settled down a bit; he's more quietly repeating his prayers while rocking back and forth in tandem with Peter. Peter has his eyes closed, too, which means neither man can see Rob watching, grimacing, and walking away.
Rotu appears to have landed uneventfully, and the tribe now attempts to unpack their crate as a most likely digitally enhanced crab scuttles by. Oh scuttling crabs, how much I've missed you. They should have edited at least one scuttling crab into Africa -- just to see if we were paying attention. The tribe starts cheering before they realize that there's no food in the crate. An unidentifiable woman exclaims, "Oh, it's not as much as we thought!" Tammy laments that the crate had "no food, no food at all" as we see the tribe standing around makes perplexed faces. Neleh tells us in a confessional that she had no idea how difficult it would be on Marquesas, but that they will do the best they can. Neleh has some unfortunate-looking ponytails here. They're like the bastard, retarded stepchildren of Elisabeth's adorable Afro puffs. The tribe finds a map as a female voice-over repeats what Peachy told us earlier: they've been allotted two pots, a pan, two machetes, a small knife, and a magnifying glass, which really excited them. John tells us that they were all soaking wet and had a limited amount of daylight left, so their first goal was to make fire. Kathy tries to skip the magnifying glass and instead attempts to start the fire by sticking her nose into the brush, but it's a luckless enterprise. In a confessional, Robert explains that they landed really late and there wasn't enough sun. He says they repeatedly tried to get the fire going, but it just wouldn't ignite. Kathy tells us the others that it's not going to work, and then John says in a confessional that Kathy insisted they keep trying because they needed fire so desperately. He explains that they tried the "two-pieces-of-wood method" as we see footage of John working while Kathy cheers him on with a "Yeah, yeah man!" Robert makes good faces, by the way. He's an early favorite of mine. The Moppet tells us in a confessional that Kathy slipped easily into the role of the "skipper." He doesn't know whether that's just her personality or the result of the difficulty of being out there, but in either case, he concludes, "We didn't need a skipper." He has teensy little glasses. He didn't have those when he was stranded on that island with Brooke Shields. As the tribe continues to work together, Kathy gives lots of advice but does nothing. She then leaves for a second and sweet-faced, nasty-tailed Neleh makes a snarky comment. Whoa, Neleh! Robert tells us they kept "plowin', plowin', plowin," but in the end they were just exhausted. A close-up of John's throbbing forehead veins is not something I ever need to see again. The tribe collectively sighs with resignation, and the Tammy thinks not getting fire sucked. She should scribble that in her little notepad.
Back at Maraamu, they're just getting around to opening their crate. Sarah tells us in a confessional she knew the game was going to be difficult when she learned no food would be provided. She thinks that if they don't work as a team, one of them will starve to death. The tribe then discovers their magnifying glass, and Hunter concludes, "If that's a magnifying glass, we got about an hour to collect some wood and start a fire." But if that's not a magnifying glass, then what? Patricia tells us in a confessional that Hunter immediately assumed a leadership role, as we see Hunter approach Peter and Sean -- who appear to be emerging from their prayer session -- and instruct them to collect lots of kindling. A moon-faced Gina grins and tells us, "I'm already in looooove with Hunter." She says he's a "great person," and that both being great people is only one of the many things they have in common. Gina explains that Hunter knows a little about everything, as we see Hunter gesturing as to the direction from which "the prevailing wind" on the island originates. Rob repeats the expression with disbelief in his voice and asks, "Is this The Weatha Channel over tha?" He then licks his thumb and sticks it in the air in imitation of Hunter trying to predict the weather. Sean thinks Hunter means well but is taking attention away from himself, so he launches into a non-funny imitation of a weatherman to steal the spotlight. Hunter laughs good-naturedly because that's what Hunter is: good-natured. We'll see how long that lasts. All I know is that grandmothers around the world will be awfully disappointed if Hunter doesn't take this show home. In a confessional, Sean tells us his nickname for Hunter is "MacGyver," "simply because he got [sic] way too much energy for me out here." So MacGyver has always had too much energy for Sean? Hunter proposes that the tribe collect banana leaves and use them as funnels to catch rain. Rob wonders whether they can drink rainwater, and then Sean launches into another non-funny routine making fun of Hunter's inventiveness. In a confessional, he tells us that Hunter is becoming "the focal point" of the tribe, but he's an alpha male, too. He can't just follow blindly and "keep goin' to someone like they [sic] my Daddy." He concludes, "They better know: I'm from Harlem and I'm representin'!" Sean's big rectangular glasses overcompensate for The Moppet's teensy ones.
Fire-making then commences at Maraamu, led by Hunter, with Vecepia and Gina working while Sean looks on. In a confessional, Vecepia says that she tried her hardest for fifteen minutes and they got some "good smoke," but couldn't get the fire completely going. Peter tells us that the problem with lighting a "fiya" is maintaining the airflow. He is then summoned by the fire-starters as he continues telling us that because he's into yoga, he was able to take nice long deep breaths and "work from the diaphragm." Middle Eastern music plays in the background, and as the fire ignites, Peter Pandit concludes, "Yoga definitely helps with lighting the fiya." There's lots of back-slappy happiness at Maraamu as they celebrate the fire.
One sure way not to be picked for Survivor? List "carbonated, green, gag-reflex-inducing green beverages" as your least favorite drink on the application. Yup, Mountain Dew's back as the sponsor.
Ooh, another scuttling crab, and it's a big one this time. It's now Night 1 at Maraamu, and the tribe sits around the fire. Sarah says that if she wins any amount of money, she'll buy a monkey. A smitten Rob bumbles that he wants a monkey, too. If Sarah said she wanted venereal disease, and a tuna fish and spaghetti sandwich, and a cardboard box, Rob would clearly want the same. Rob grins moronically as Sarah is perplexed that he, too, wants a "little Curious George." Vecepia tells us in a confessional that Sarah has "a very cute body -- she paid a lot for it." Nevertheless, Vecepia abides by the old "if you've got it, flaunt it" rule; this is accompanied by clips of Sarah strutting about camp -- still wearing her bikini -- and then nearly wiping out. Hee. We can only hear festive flute music at this point, so it's impossible to know what Sarah is really doing or thinking or saying when suddenly she's on her feet and giggling while wriggling in and out of a little skirt while the others look on. Vecepia doesn't think Sarah is "using her body to get through this game," but she does think that if Sarah "connects" with the right individual, it will help her go further. ["Is 'connects' a new euphemism for 'fellates'?" -- Wing Chun] Sarah and Rob then leave the fire, and Rob crawls into the raft. Sarah wants to know if it's comfy. When Rob says it's like a waterbed, Sarah launches herself onto it and then squeals because it's not like a waterbed, but like a semi-deflated raft sitting on the hard ground. Gina tells us in a confessional that there was definitely a flirtation between Rob and Sarah. We see Sarah posturing that they could just fill the raft with water and let it "cook in the sun" in order to make a hot tub or a little swimming pool. As she and Rob continue feeling each other out (out, people, I said "out"), the other members of the tribe sleep in an uptight little line and look peeved. Gina says that Rob and Sarah separated themselves from the group, and she wonders whether they were flirting or making an alliance. Then Rob and Sarah spoon, and we learn that Sarah did actually bring some clothes with her to Marquesas.
Day 2 dawns at Rotu, and the tribe members look pensive. The Moppet tells us that the tribe will very quickly run out of water; he guesses that they had only about a liter each to begin with, and they need at least a gallon a day. From a perch in the woods, Kathy whistles to get the others' attention and then spazzes, "Hey, you guys, this is the way! I found the way!" The others don't even look up, because Kathy is annoying, even to other annoying people. In a confessional, Kathy tells us that she didn't want to go into Survivor as the "blonde, bitchy person," because she's not. She claims that she only gets "assertive" when a critical job goes undone. The others finally heed her call and trail behind her into the woods. Kathy looks at the tall trees and comments, amazed, "I mean, is that primeval or what?"
The tribe arrives at a waterfall and celebrates over and in it. There's jumping and swimming and Zoe doesn't want to go home. Robert uses a big word -- I don't expect many from him -- and says the waterfall was a "sanctuary." He thinks that, in such a beautiful place, "you've got to be close to Mother Earth now," because "if you never were before, now's the time." Rotu fills up their water jugs, and then Kathy tells us in a confessional that now that they have water, the only thing left to secure is fire. She says she's just going to work on it until it gets dark, but I think by "work[ing] on it," she means harping on the others to do the actual work. As they head back to camp, I notice the tribe's fashionable thatched backpacks -- essential to the stranded-on-a-desert-isle look and experience.
Back at Maraamu, Rob really likes Sarah's peaches and wants to shake her tree. But he can't just yet, so he finds another kind of fruit tree to shake instead. Sarah and Rob debate whether they've found grapefruit, while Vecepia and Sean -- who has his tongue lewdly stuck out -- juggle. The tribe opens up the fruit, and then each member takes a slice, and they toast each other with them. Rob tells us in a confessional that when he realized they wouldn't be given any food rations, his first thought was that he didn't want to eat lemons and grapefruits his entire time on the island.
As the tribe sit around eating fruit, an animal (or cameraperson) crows, and Rob perks right up. He asks the others if they can hear that "gobblin'," which he thinks is a turkey. He then insists that he's not joking, even though no one seems to think he was, and adds, "I don't know if chickens make that sound, too." He decides to hunt down some meat for the tribe, because there are chickens and pigs in that area as well. As Rob chases a rooster up a tree (while Peter Pandit skulks behind him), the editors play hokey bluegrass music, because that's what people who listen to bluegrass music do. Rob exclaims that the rooster is huge and will be dinner, but first they "gotta get him down." Alas, the rooster escapes through the trees, and Rob is surprised, because he had no idea that "roostas" could fly, but this one took off like a 747. Perhaps the "roosta" was frightened off by the glistening gold medallion around Rob's neck. So Rob returns to camp and Patricia is particularly interested in whether "chicken man" got his man...er, rooster. Rob admits to his failure, but insists that he'll get one. Meanwhile, Hunter is stewing because he's the alpha male gosh darn it, and he tells us in a confessional that Rob can be "preoccupied with things that don't really pertain to the survival needs of the moment." He scoffs that he doesn't even think Rob knows how to clean a chicken! Rob can't clean a chicken? I mean, where do they get these people -- modern civilization? Rob admits to Hunter that he may not have as much experience as the others with respect to what needs to be done around camp, and Hunter explains that he's frustrated because only when they have fire, water, and shelter should they move on to the luxury items. Rob tells us in a confessional that Hunter thought he was spending too much time chasing breasts (chicken breasts, sillies), and that Rob needed to help more with the daily chores. This is followed by hilarious footage of Rob bumbling around with an armful of rocks, which drop one by one. Rob explains that he realized he'll have to work hard to stay in the group, "and that this was essentially gonna be [his] fate." Poor Rob Mariano: consigned to a fate of bumbling and rock carrying.
At Rotu, Kathy is busy not being the bitchy blonde while lecturing the others about the importance of fire. For someone who never actually seems to be doing any work herself, she sure talks enough about it. She preaches that they need to "get a group dynamic" going, but they all would rather argue with her instead -- which is a group dynamic in itself. John says he's "wiped" from the day before, and then he and Kathy argue over how much time they've actually spent working on the fire. In a confessional, John -- whose buff is top-knotted on top of his head -- tells us that Kathy is a bit of a "Chicken Little," because she always thinks the sky is falling, and she's becoming grating. Kathy insists that she's not "trying" to be pushy, but we all know pushy people don't have to try to be that way. John claims that he isn't saying that she's pushy, but that he still can't work on the fire as she's requesting he do. Kathy argues that she's not asking John for anything, but he insists that she is. The confrontation is no "I will always wave my finger in your face," but it'll do. Zoe pats Kathy on the shoulder while the others just stand around awkwardly. Paschal's a judge -- they should just hand all decision-making off to him.
Now Kathy whines and cries in a confessional because she "doesn't have any support," but then she should have brought a bra, shouldn't she? Actually, she's upset because the others are being "more cautious" than she is, and I don't see how caution is something to complain about, but then maybe Kathy's forgotten about Mike Skupin's unexpected personal journey into the fire. Back at camp, John complains to Robert and Paschal that he's been working his butt off, and Kathy's alarmist attitude frustrates him. In a confessional, John tells us that Kathy sparked his Irish temper, and in order to "basically neutralize [his] outburst," he became fixated with starting the fire, which he finally does -- and, ironically enough, the only tribe member missing at this moment is Kathy, who's off sniveling in the woods. When Kathy returns, Zoe exclaims, "You knew if you left us kids alone for a few minutes we could do something right!" They all celebrate -- John, most embarrassingly so. Zoe picks Kathy up off the ground. John tells us in a confessional that once they started the fire, Kathy came around. We see John fill up a bowl with water and offer it to Kathy, who declines because she was not there for the actual fire-making and thus evidently should be made to die of dehydration. John insists that she take the water because she "put the fire under [his] butt."
Back at Maraamu, the tribe has decided to seek out their water source, because Hunter has proclaimed that this is the natural order of things. While Maraamu had a big beautiful waterfall, Rotu has only a piddly little stream. Still, Gina tells us that just having water was a huge relief, because it's the dry season. She explains that they filled up their jugs and immediately started boiling. As the tribe works, Peter Pandit tells us that he's a workaholic and was putting too much effort into the chores. Like everyone else, he wanted to prove himself an integral part of the team, but he forced himself to slow down. He tells us that he went over and joined Sean on the raft in the shade. He and Sean then hold hands and have a discussion about the many uses of the word "chilling." Peter Pandit is excited to use the word back at the bowling alley. He tells us in a confessional that Sean reminded him how comfortable it was just to be himself.
Sitting in his confessional yogi-style, Peter Pandit says that other tribe members approached him and Sean, and suddenly they were having a "real conversation." This "real conversation" consists of Peter Pandit telling the others that life's goal is "simply to masta every hole you got." He continues that this includes: hearing, breathing, speaking, urinating (he has some trouble pronouncing this word), and going to the bathroom in general. Because after all that, he still can't say "poop"? Peter Pandit is amazed that most people aren't aware they even have seven holes. In a confessional, Rob says, "He looks like a normal guy, you know. But he's goin' on and on about bein' holey and I'm thinkin' he's talking about spiritualness [sic], but he's talking about actual holes in your bahdy." He then calls Peter Pandit a "fruit loop." Back at camp, Peter Pandit continues going on about how weird it is to grasp the concept of "the holes and your elimination," while gesturing at said holes. He points out that people don't want to talk about their holes, and perhaps he should have considered that before initiating this conversation with a bunch of strangers. Peter Pandit proudly proclaims that if you want to be holy, you should be aware of your holes. Sarah listens with a straight face, but then Patricia announces that she's had enough. Meanwhile, Rob can't understand one thing Peter Pandit is talking about. Realizing he's lost his audience, Peter Pandit blames Sean and then exclaims, "I'm chillin' here!" Here, but not for long.
Back at Rotu, Kathy always has to lead the way. The tribe makes a dorky fuss over opening their first piece of mail together, which contains a tiny replica of an outrigger canoe, and a clue. Neleh is upset that they'll actually have to row something. The Moppet reads the clue aloud, and I'll transcribe it just because I haven't had to do one in over a month (and I won't be so generous as the season progresses): "You'll be in over your head to get to the flame/ The weak ones will dread the thought of this game/ It's a long tough trail, avoid a rocky start/ Fail to work as a team, and you'll be the first to part." Clearly, the Survivor scribes haven't used their time off to hone their clue-writing skills.
Now both tribes approach the challenge. Maraamu is a particularly motley crew, with Peter gesturing wildly in their midst. Besides, they're all holding hands. Sean and Rob are swinging their clasped hands back and forth, which must have caused much mirth and mockery among Rob's macho construction-worker friends. Hunter, meanwhile, appears to be making goofy eyebrows at Gina over everyone else's heads.
Peachy asks how the tribes enjoyed their journey to the challenge site. Sean, wearing tiny little shorts, says, "Y'all are crazy, I know that much!" It sounds like a non sequitur until you weigh in the factor that it's not much of a journey for the tribes at all, since they are driven to Tribal Council, and since this challenge is occurring there. Peachy asks whether the tribes achieved fire, and Rotu cheers while Maraamu stands quietly, even though both teams were successful. Peachy now explains that they will not be given fire or matches at any point during the contest, so they need to maintain and protect their fires. Peachy passes around the idol so that they can all touch it, and Zoe seems particularly excited.
Peachy then explains that today's challenge guarantees the winning tribe another three days on the island, whereas the losers will proceed to Tribal Council and vote a member out. Tribal Council, it turns out, is one big hut this year, instead of a bunch of tiny ones like in Africa. For the challenge, each tribe has an outrigger canoe with two torches in it. They will run down the beach with the canoe, swim with the canoe to a center wok, light both torches, and head back to shore lighting four team woks on the way. Once back on the beach, they'll sprint to light three more torches, put the canoe in a raised stand, and light a final torch for immunity. It's typical of the people who invent these challenges to have them swim while pushing a canoe instead of actually rowing in it; it's like making them run with bicycles or tow a car.
The challenge begins. The tribes are in a dead heat as they hit the water, but Maraamu takes the lead by the time they reach the central wok. It's chaos as both tribes attempt to light their torches from the same source, and suddenly Rotu's ahead and on their way back to shore. Maraamu continues to have difficulties lighting their torches, while I think I hear Kathy loudly yelling at Rotu, "If this [torch] gets water in it, we are screwed!" We see Sarah swim carefully over to a wok with a raised lit torch, and then dump it in the water before managing to ignite the second torch. By now, Rotu doesn't even have to run up the beach; they just slowly amble toward their canoe's stand, and although Maraamu puts a lot more hustle into the end of the race, it's clearly too late. Even the editors don't try to make this suspenseful. There's some brief confusion at the finish as John is unsure whether he's supposed to light the last central wok, but then he does, and the tribe takes the victory. Rotu cheers Maraamu on as they finish, but Maraamu just looks pissy. Peachy proclaims Rotu the winner and then he turns toward his favorite activity: taunting the losing Maraamu.
It's now Day 3 as we join Maraamu, where tribe members are sadly weaving fronds. Rob tells us in a confessional that because they lost the challenge, they will have to go to Tribal Council. Sean tells the others -- as if they didn't know -- that "reality has set in," and someone will be voted off. Peter Pandit explains that his strategy is to keep the "strong as strong as possible," while Patricia looks sullen. In a confessional, she tells us that the tribe gave her the impression that she would be voted off. We see her telling Rob that she may not be twenty-five or be able to keep up with him in a foot race, but wait until the food challenge. Actually, she doesn't say that, but it would have been damn funny if she did. Instead, she insists that she will be "steady" and "endure." She continues telling us in her confessional that she doesn't know if the others are against her because she's an overweight female "mama figure."
Peter Pandit attempts to explain his voting strategy to the others, and pisses Gina off in the process. She tells him that he can't know what's going to happen, and Peter Pandit answers, "That's called life," which is sort of a lame answer. I think from now on whenever anyone says something I don't agree with or that makes no sense, I'll just counter with the equally nonsensical "That's called life." Gina tells Peter Pandit that she's happy to know his strategy, but that she has no desire to discuss it with him further. She says they're going to go to Tribal Council that evening, and that nothing anyone else says will influence her vote. Looking suddenly pretty and exotic in a palm-shadowed confessional, Gina tells us that Peter got on her nerves because he tried to inflict his voting strategy on the other members of the tribe. As we see the conversation continue, Peter insists, "I'm not this magical, mystical person." He's Peter Pandit, not Puff the Magic Dragon. He tells the others that if he wants to know the truth about a person, he just looks in their eyes. He then says it's not like "ooooooohhhhh," which is I think supposed to be less "spooky" and more "amazing," but comes out pretty much dead-on at "crazed." Sarah tells us in a confessional that she intends to vote for Peter because he always looks like he's up to something, with a "strange smirk" on his face, and besides that, "he's just strange." We see Peter Pandit attempting to talk to Maraamu about alliances, and Hunter claims that "an alliance right now means absolutely nothing." Sean tells us in a confessional that he intends to vote out Sarah as we see a clip of her floating on her back in the water. He continues, "When you look at Sarah and go, other than having two floating devices that can help us out there, what value is she to the group, other than looking cute?" Sean tells Peter Pandit that Tribal Council is an uncomfortable situation because they're all one family. He then wins over all the female watchers by claiming that he's not chauvinistic, but "the more males you have in the camp, the better, [he] think[s], you can survive."
We see the tribe members hugging and wishing each other luck. Gina tells us she's deciding between Patricia -- "the weakest person...just because she's old"; Sarah, because she can use her body to influence people; and Peter, because of their earlier argument. She claims that she doesn't yet have a clue which of the three she'll vote against. Patricia tells us that every one of them is "goin' with a winner," but no one knows who that person will be.
Maraamu arrives at Tribal Council, and Peachy instructs them to light their torches from a fire pit in the center of the hut. Peachy grins as he recites his favorite lines about fire representing life at tribal council, and then he snarks, "When your fire's gone, so are you." He preaches for a bit about the sacrifices and "other rituals" of Marquesas, and then tries to parallel that to the game of Survivor, with the Tribal Council vote acting as the most significant sacrifice in which the competitors will be "held accountable" for their actions. Before beginning the vote, Peachy wants to talk about their first three days on the island. Gina is proud that they've been able to source their own food, water, and fire. She concludes, "And we have to git it, and we got it." Vecepia says Hunter stepped up as leader of the tribe, and she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She credits his optimism and openness, and says she appreciates that he asks other people for their opinions. She also values and respects him. And loves and admires him. And worships and adores him. And fancies and reveres him. Basically, she all kind of likes Hunter. Peter Pandit then admits that he initially thought he'd get along easily, so he was surprised that he's never quite felt comfortable among the tribe. Sarah says she definitely has a role in the tribe, and most specifically that role is "everything." She says that some tribe members are better at certain things than others, but in general she's just "jumping in." Peachy smugly segues to the fact that someone always has the "distinction" of being the first voted out, and we're about to find out who that will be.
Peter Pandit grins and votes for Tricia with the words, "You deserve to stay."
Sarah thinks that Peter Pandit is nice, but a couple of his actions have bothered her, so she votes for him.
Sean votes for Sarah because he doesn't think she's doing her share of the work; nevertheless, he loves her "like a play cousin." Whatever that means. And that's all we see of the voting.
Peachy gives his "once the votes are counted/ final decision/ you must leave immediately" spiel and starts counting. The first vote is for Peter Pandit, and the second vote is for Sarah with "Suzy Q" written underneath. There's Peter's vote for Tricia, and a second vote for Sarah before a string of Peters makes him the first casualty of the game. Peachy won't read the last vote because "we'll leave that a mystery," and then Peter Pandit holds his head -- and all his holes -- high as his torch gets snuffed. Peachy then dramatically sends the remaining members of Maraamu away from Tribal Council with instructions to "go back and build [their] world."
week on Survivor, Patricia takes charge at Maraamu, and Rotu shoots at little piggies. Kathy yells because she's not getting enough attention.
As the credits roll, we learn that Vecepia voted for Sarah, and that the remaining members of Maraamu who we didn't see vote were against Peter Pandit. Peter Pandit explains that he sometimes takes himself too seriously and he wishes he had "heeded his wife's advice" to sit back and have fun. He loves the other seven contestants -- as well as all seven of his holes -- dearly.