The Final Four: No Regrets

Previously on Survivor: the whole season. Read the recaps.

The real previouslies: Lex Loser won immunity and Teresa "played her final card." Not, however, in a game taught by expert card player Kimj. "A little birdy" whispered in Teresa's ear. And never again will the words "little birdy" be used to describe Tom Buchanan. Despite her machinations, Teresa got voted out anyway. Four remain, and according to Peachy, "one will outlast all the rest and become the sole survivor!"

We open the show at Mofo Maji on Night 36. Cape buffalo eyes really glow in the dark. They look like cheap Buffy demons. As the S4 return from Tribal Council, they congratulate each other on making the final four. Kimj and Ethan hug, and a close-up shot reveals Ethan grinning giddily. He's both grinning and giddy -- that's a lot of emotions packed into one expression for Ethan. Lex Loser tells us in a voice-over that they're in the home stretch, and emotions are "just all over the map." He says the game extends over thirty-nine days, and "the whole thing is like a giant puzzle." Teresa's confession and revelation about Tom's "treachery" helped him fit some of the loose pieces into that puzzle. This is followed by a close-up of Tom's vacant eyes looking particularly vacant. Lex Loser whispers to Ethan that Teresa cast the mystery vote due to "one thing and one thing only": Tom's claim that Lex Loser couldn't be trusted. Ethan's head is bowed throughout this exchange; actually, Ethan is slumped over throughout much of this episode, even after winning a million dollars. Kimj tells us in a confessional that Teresa "came clean" and revealed that, during the nearly unanimous Tribal Council against Clarence, Teresa cast the mystery vote "that upset Lex so much in the beginning." Kimj also says that, according to Teresa, Tom had been lobbying during that time to get Lex Loser voted off. Lex Loser sits with his head in his hands, and we're supposed to think he does so in dismay over Tom's betrayal, but it's more likely his neck is just tired.

Kimj whispers to Ethan about the situation; Ethan is skeptical of Teresa's claims. Kimj would be skeptical too, she says, except that Tom approached her on two different occasions about voting off Lex Loser. In a confessional, Lex Loser says that "Mama Cat" was approached a couple times by Tom, who told her that if she "happened to" vote against Lex Loser in a Tribal Council, it would be fine by Tom. Ominous drumbeat. Tom sleeps with his nose jammed into the ground, and that can't be comfortable! Lex Loser whispers to Ethan that Tom's rationale is that he can't "write the vote [against Lex] down, but if someone else does, that's okay." Lex Loser says that he'll know the facts about the situation tomorrow, because he's going to have a "man to man" discussion with Tom the day. He's going to "make [Tom] shake on it...on his son's name." What's with all the hand-shaking and accepting of people's "word"? What holds an evil person to a handshake, anyway? Evil person: "I'm going to blow up the world! Mwa! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (But if I shake your hand on it, I would never harm your puppy.)" See what I'm sayin'? In any case, Lex Loser says that if Tom won't shake, then Lex Loser will know the truth, and he gets all "I will always wave my finger in your face" into this -- without the finger-waving, but with the requisite head bobbing. Tom sweetly rubs his face in his sleep, and then Lex Loser says he's worked too hard and he's not that easily going to let himself "get led to slaughter." If there is some fat, happy, cuddly animal in Africa that is prey to hyenas, the editors have missed a chance to show a symbolic feeding clip here. They do show some cape buffalo, a giraffe, and Mofo Maji's calendar.

On Day 37, Lex Loser wants to know what's up with Kimj. She says they're in the same place and nothing's changed -- it's the "same old, same old." Lex Loser examines his fingers as Kimj tells us that it's Day 37, which she claims is "exactly five weeks today" that they've been in Africa. How five weeks exactly equals thirty-seven days, I can't compute. Also, if she's not sure it's exactly five weeks, then why use the word "exactly" in the first place? In any case, she thinks it's been a long time. Long enough, evidently, to forget how many days are in a week. Over cornmeal, the tribe marvels that they've made it to Day 37. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that the four remaining members are all surprised they're still in the game. He says he couldn't have imagined the competition would be as crazy as it has turned out to be, and that "it's good, it's bad, it's bitter, it's sweet." Lex Loser and Tom then head off together for some of the "bad" and the "bitter." The Bad and the Embittered. That sounds like the name of a great soap opera...or maybe as a subtitle for The E! True Hollywood Story on the former cast members of . Kimj exclaims that the "men are goin' off to work," and she's happy because there's some more trouble she's managed to help cause without implicating herself. In a confessional Lex Loser says, "Now more then ever, brains are focused on, well...is there anyone tryin' to burn me?"

Africans wail and dust tornadoes spin. As Tom and Lex Loser exit the boma on a wood-fetching mission, Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that there was a good chance that Tom had "pulled a bit of treachery when it came to him and" Lex Loser. He plans to confront Tom to see if he'll confess. Lex Loser tells Tom that they need to talk, so they throw the wood stretcher on the ground. The stretcher clatters to the ground to symbolize the clattering of Tom and Lex Loser's relationship. Or whatever. Lex Loser says he heard some stuff that made him really unhappy yesterday, and Tom says, "Okay, bro." Lex Loser says he believes in "havin' everything right out in the open," and Tom tells him, "Okay, then you put it out here."

Finally, Lex Loser gets to the point: he wants to know if, when the tribes merged, Tom told Teresa that Lex Loser couldn't be trusted. Tom exclaims, "Absolutely not!" He says it's not even a question, and that there should be no doubt about it. In a confessional, Tom wants to know, "What kind of question is that to ask this far down in the game?" He says that as far as he knows, he doesn't think he made that suggestion to Teresa (which, I hate to say, seems like an admission of guilt), but says if he did, it was because Lex Loser had won all the challenges and was so clearly in control of the game. Tom concludes, "If you're gonna run in front of the pack with a white horse, you're gonna be shot at!" And if you're gonna open a can of beans in Africa without the consent of seven other people, same thing. Lex Loser also wants to know if Tom ever told Kimj to vote for Lex Loser in his stead to avoid betraying the alliance. Tom flibbertigibbets around a bit, and then admits that the accusation is true. He mumbles some stuff about Survivor being a game, and Kimj being one of the players in that game, and his having no control over her. Lex Loser wants to know why Tom told Kimj to vote for him despite their pact, and Tom answers, "Why dig up bones?" Lex Loser doesn't think it's bone-digging; he thinks it's "current events." Tom then says that when they first joined Samburu, Lex Loser was the first to tell the original Samburus, "Well, don't vote for me." Lex Loser's voice drops an octave as he says he didn't do that at all. He thought it was "only fair and right" for them to say that none of them had votes against them; Tom says, "I felt like you saved your ass." Lex Loser insists that Tom is wrong.

The argument continues in the background as Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that a situation has "arisen" in which he and Tom do not see eye to eye. He says that Tom "had the impression" that Lex Loser wasn't working for or with him, but against him. Tom then points out that all he had to do was vote for Lex Loser one time, and Lex Loser would have been voted off. Lex Loser knows this. Tom repeats that he could have voted Lex Loser off anytime he wanted by just going like this: "L-E-X." Here, he spells out the letters in the air, probably to make sure he gets the spelling right. Lex Loser says he could have done the same thing, and Tom agrees, but I don't see how that's true. Lex Loser wants to go back to camp "square" with Tom, and he doesn't want Tom thinking the only reason Lex Loser is still in the game is "by [Tom's] good graces." He then completely spazzes out and yells, "I'm not here because anybody carried me along! No one carried me here! You're responsible because you're here! I'm responsible 'cause I'm here! It's not because Big Tom did Lex [Loser] a favor that I'm here!" Clearly, he puts the "lex" in "complex." Tom punctuates Lex Loser's rant with "no!"s and adds that he hasn't saved Lex Loser. The two men agree that they have covered each others' asses throughout the game. Tom tells Lex Loser that they have three more days, and he's not going to "fall out" with the alliance during that short a period of time.

In a confessional, Tom says that the situation is "basically a case of paranoia and worry-ation." That is a real word, by the way. You'll find it in the English/Tomglish dictionary. He tells us that his alliance with Lex Loser and Ethan has not "quivered," but when Lex Loser asks Tom to shake on it, Tom says, "I don't have to!" Lex Loser is surprised, but Tom insists that with the forthcoming Tribal Council, he doesn't need to make another alliance because he doesn't want Lex Loser to feel obligated. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that he can't forget what Tom has done for him in the past, and that they can "thank each other equally" for getting so far in the game. He doesn't say, "We're both responsible because we're both here!" He concludes that he would not "feel right about cutting [Tom] off at the knees because on a couple of occasions he's fallen from grace." So "cutting him off at the knees" would feel right under different circumstances? A piece of wood falls from grace. We then see Tom cowpoking around in the background as Lex Loser tells Ethan about Tom's refusal to shake his hand; Ethan thinks something is "a gamble." Lex Loser then feels out Ethan to see if he's ready to dissolve the original pact. Ethan flatly says he isn't, so Lex Loser says he isn't, either, although clearly he was hoping for a different answer. But don't lose hope -- there's still knee-cutting ahead!

The music swells dramatically, accompanied by a shot of the fast-moving boma and what looks like a coconut tree. As the S4 walk together, Lex Loser tells us that the past evening and morning "were some tough and trying times," so he and the other members of Mofo Maji decided to "Zen out for a while." They each stand on their own high rock, which reveals a view of their boma. First we see the view of the S4; then we see the view of the boma seen by the S4; then we see the view up each of the S4's shorts. Lex Loser tells us that it's very peaceful on the mountaintop, and they all agree that it's an incredible view. He says you get a different perspective from up there -- some might call that an aerial perspective -- "and you just can't help but think about stuff." Meanwhile Ethan marvels that they've been living in "that little circle" for thirty-six days. I guess it's better than living in a little square. Unless it was Meghan's box onFelicity, which might be kind of fun. And if that sounds perverted, it's not. Anyway, Ethan says in a confessional that Survivor has been the "ultimate adventure," and then Kimj says something about the mountaintop revealing the "remoteness" of the habitat. Because, after being in Kenya for thirty-nine days, she needs to stand on a mountaintop to know that their location is remote.

As the four stand side by side, Ethan and Lex Loser pose like bold explorers with with one leg raised, and then Tom lifts his arms in gesture of victory. Kimj, of course, does it, too. Tom says in a confessional that walking away with the million takes a lot of luck, and so far he's been pretty lucky. He is happy to have made it this far and concludes, "I'm gonna suck it in a little bit and enjoy it." Ethan's calf and foot tell us that they only have a few more days to look at the vista, and Kimj advises the others to "take it all in, cowboys." Kimj tells us in a confessional that it feels great to be the "last woman standing." She says she can make it to the final three, but that it will have to be "under [her] own power." If she had any. She acknowledges having won neither an immunity nor a reward challenge in the game, but insists "that's not to say that it can't happen." This was met with lots of "whatever"s in my viewing circle. A bird soars to prove us wrong, symbolizing the inner strength of Kimj. She insists that if she can pull it off and buy herself another day in Africa, "Nobody would be happier than [she]." Who would she expect to be happier?

Now the S4 are all seated on the same rock on the mountaintop. Lex Loser tells us that, at this point, the game is suddenly "all about winning." Because for the other thirty-eight days it's about great food, good company, and physical fitness. He says, "Dammit, I am gonna walk away with that prize!" That's exactly what Richard Hatch said in Pulau Tiga, and look what happened to him. Aside from being arrested for child abuse, that is. Now it's just the three men sitting together while Kimj is off somewhere applying Harness Honey Leather Conditioner to her luggage...or maybe that's sunscreen to her skin. In any case, then she's back -- softer-looking, too -- and holding hands with Tom. Lex Loser continues, "I am here for one thing and one thing only: to take that million dollars and to run with it. It's mine." Or Ethan's.

A creepy-looking bird. "Kumba-yay!" must mean "It's almost over" in Swahili. The S4 strut about camp and find a torch bearing a message in their treemail. Lex Loser reads the clue: "Names of dogs, college degrees, I hope you paid attention. You may just be the to go if your memory lacks retention." Rhyming "attention" and "retention" is quite the accomplishment for the Survivor poets. Kimj licks her lips, and Tom looks perplexed. Ethan nibbles on his fingers, and then points and says, with a straight face, "What's your name again?" He's Deadpan Man. Tom's more likely to be Bedpan Man. That's not an age comment -- it's all about the lifestyle.

With wind-blown hair, Ethan tells us that they'll have to answer questions about the remaining members of Mofo Maji, as well as the members of the jury. He tells us that whoever gets the most answers right will win immunity. Which is good, because that's usually the way games work. Tom remembers Hunter and Sage, but asks Lex Loser the name of Frank's third child. Lex Loser claims not to know. Bastard. And if it turns out that Lex Loser is indeed a bastard, please spare me the email commentary on my lack of political correctness. I mean no harm by it. In fact, some of my best friends are bastards. (And incidentally, the dictionary lists a third definition for "shifty" as "able to accomplish what is needed; resourceful." Of course, that's what I meant last week.) In a confessional, Tom says of the challenge, "That's another mental game and, uh, I'm not that strong in that game." Tom asks Ethan the same question about Frank's child's name while they appear to be stretching; Ethan pauses and says he has no idea, either. He then worries in a confessional that if he gets a question wrong about one of the jurors who he's "supposedly close with," that juror might think he was just not genuinely interested. Who does Ethan think he is "supposedly close with," anyway? As they look at a torch that has the names "Teddy" and "Danielle" written on it, Ethan, Lex Loser, and Tom agree that Kimj is going to be strong in the challenge. Ted, Jr. is one of Kimj's sons. I don't know who Danielle is. Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that he thinks Kimj has the best chance of winning the challenge because she's got a good mind for facts, good retention, and has taken a genuine interest in everybody. Or in other words: because she's just got to be good at something.

Kimj, Tom, Lex Loser, and Ethan are spaced far apart as they walk into the Tribal Council. Obviously, this entrance is being staged; they're like bridesmaids in a wedding. Now there's a picture to liven up your night. Peachy is whispery and serious as he greets them. The jury enters, and Brandon is quite the hip swiveler. It looks like Ethan checks out Kimp's butt, but I don't know why he would now, since it was on much better exhibit while she was a competitor. Maybe he's thinking, "So that's what it looks like without that stupid buff tied around it!" Kelly is wearing a cute outfit...for sorority rush; this week, it's Teresa's turn to wear the communal skirt.

Peachy says that the night's immunity challenge is called "Fallen Comrades," and will demonstrate how much they've learned about their fellow tribe members during their time in Africa. He says they've had a lot of conversations, but "how much listening have you really done?" They're doing the challenge at Tribal Council because "ultimately, this is a game about relationships" and the vote will immediately follow the challenge. If that sounded like a non sequitur, it was. In any case, Peachy will ask eight questions about the "original tribemates" of Boran and Samburu. They are to write their answers down, and not reveal them until instructed to do so. These rules are difficult for Tom to grasp, I'm sure, so Peachy states them explicitly.

The first question asks, "What rank did Frank reach in the army?" Frank's face reveals no expression, and none of the S4 look confident. Kimj answers "2nd lieutenant;" Ethan says "sergeant"; Lex Loser guesses "colonel," and Tom says "lieutenant private." The correct answer is "staff sergeant," so no one gets it right.

The question asks, "Which survivor listed 'manipulating men' on their application as one of their favorite hobbies?" The camera focuses on Kimp, then on Teresa, then on a wickedly grinning Brandon, and finally on a very cat-who-swallowed-the-canary Kelly. All of the S4 think that it's Kelly, and they're all right. She makes a cutesy gesture that she probably thinks is actually cute. Really, if "manipulating men" is one of her hobbies, shouldn't she be at least decent at it?

Peachy wants to know, "Who was the first to hit a target in the archery competition?" Ethan grins and shlumps over; Tom covers his eyes. Ethan, actually, may or may not have just fallen asleep. Kimj and Lex Loser think it was Clarence; Ethan says it was Kimp; and Big Tom guesses Lindsey. Ethan has about five other names crossed out. Lindsey hit the target, Big Tom takes the lead, and for some reason Kimp nods and looks very smug. She has very active eyebrows throughout these Tribal Councils, as my husband pointed out.

Peachy reveals a photograph and wants to know, "Whose children are these and what are their names?" Teresa looks pleased that her kids are getting some airtime. The S4 reveal their votes; Kim has Clarence and Kelly crossed out. Huh? Oh, I see; those are her answers for the questions. All know that Ellie and Tyler are Teresa's children. Tom is now in the lead with three correct answers, while everyone else has two.

The fifth question asks, "In which city and state is Jessie a deputy sheriff?" Ethan's asleep again, but manages to eke out the correct answer: Orlando, Florida, as does everyone else.

, Peachy wants to know, "Which survivor has a tattoo of a black widow spider, and for an extra point, where is it?" Kimj and Lex Loser say it's on Brandon's back. Ethan thinks it's on Brandon's left ankle, and Tom thinks it's on Brandon's butt. Lex Loser's answer actually said "small of back," but he gets it right, as does Kimj. Technically, I think Tom's answer might have been a two-pointer as well, but Peachy only gives him one point. Ethan also gets a point, and Kimj and Lex Loser each get two. This leaves Lex Loser, Big Tom, and Kimj tied with five correct answers, and Ethan with four.