Last week on Survivor, Tom vomited; Ethan admitted his fears about vomiting; and Lex Loser's machinations made me want to vomit. Tom believed that wildebeests were both crazier and uglier than he is, and then Kimp got voted off.
Five are left at Mofo Maji on Day 34. The immunity dog collar rests in its now normal place around the neck of the tribe's skull mascot. Ethan tells us there are five people left in Africa. By this, he means there are five people left playing the game of Survivor in Africa, but we know that most of those affiliated with producing this show only care about these five people and the ad revenue created by their appeal...or lack thereof. As we see footage of a three-way handshake between the male members of the Boran alliance, Ethan explains that they started the game with sixteen people, and are now down to five; he thinks it's amazing. I think it's simple math. As the S5 sit around the boma, Teresa walks over; she wants to know how the others are doing, and they want to know the same of her. There must be some really boring stuff going down at Mofo Maji if this utterly meaningless exchange is worth including in the episode. Kimj tells us in a confessional that everything the competitors do now is a huge effort. She explains that she and the other players have started talking in terms of when they're going home and how many days are left; she says the game has taken its toll on their bodies. There wasn't much toll to be taken in Kimj's case, though. The S5 sit around and talk over each other about their deteriorating bodies. Ethan complains, "Every night my arm is going to sleep," and Tom ups the ante: "My whole damn arm!" Lex Loser says his ass is falling asleep, and Tom -- flexing and unflexing his hand -- repeats that his arm is falling asleep, and stares at the appendage in disbelief. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that he never thought Survivor would be so hard -- "physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally" -- and now that they're so close to the end of the game, he's exhausted. He says that up until recently, he tried not to think about his kids and his wife. We see him counting gourds and are supposed to think that he's counting them to distract himself from thoughts of his two sons -- even the shifty one -- and his wife. He then concludes that he can't allow himself to give in to "any of that" until the game is finished.
As the tribe heads off on a water run, everyone is carrying something, except Kimj. Kimj gives physically fit fifty-seven-year-olds everywhere a bad name. Lex Loser announces that "you can't afford, out here, to be a sissy." He says you can just ask Brandon to confirm it. Or Clarence. Actually, he doesn't say either of those things. But he could have. He then changes the subject and tells us, "It has been pretty funny that we take our drinking water basically out of an elephant's toilet." As the S5 approach the spring, we see a pile of elephant dung in the middle of the small water pond. I'm guessing we're not supposed to see the gushing river -- most likely piped in by the kind people at Evian -- in the background. Lex Loser tells the others, "We got an elephant disrespecting our spring." Kimj thinks it's disgusting. Lex Loser points out that the elephant poop is right where they do their laundry; he's upset that the elephant could have picked anywhere else, but didn't. He continues, "He might as well just have put his butt right over the spring!" Ethan calls it "a monster of a turd" that is "already covered in gnats"; the members of Mofo Maji circle around the pile of crap and stare at it. A close-up shot of the elephant dung reveals that it is full of little sticks and positively swarming with insects. Nasty. Kimj jokes to the others that the water hole is indeed as relaxing a location as ever. In a confessional she tells us that the tribe loves this spot, "and today [they] were visited by someone just prior to [their] getting here that left [them] a big giant gift." Seriously -- she probably thinks it makes a good facial mask. A gong clangs as the camera closes up on the poop again and Kimj proclaims it "very fresh, very smelly, very large." She claims, "We're getting used to it."
The "DUH-duh DUH-duh DUH-duh DUH-duh" of a B horror movie soundtrack plays very faintly and briefly in the background, but then turns in funky upbeat music. I'm not sure what happened there. Lex Loser tells us that the tribe still has to drink and wash in the water; he adds that it looked like the elephant hadn't "done his business" in a couple of weeks. We see a shot of a relieved and frolicking no-longer-constipated elephant. Tom says in a confessional, " Ah wan be in hahmony wid all animals and all people, but that's hard to do, 'specially if you're down at t'end." He then announces that Kimj "washes in elephant shit every day." Meanwhile, Kimj sits separate from the other members of the tribe, downstream at the bottom of the creek. Tom explains that he'd told Kimj that her part of the creek was full of elephant dung. We see footage of Kimj scrubbing her face with a shit-laden towel as Tom goes on to say that she's "washing [her] clothes, washing [her] face, washing [her] hiney" in the pooped-in water. He says he's told her the same thing over and over, but "she has yet to understand that, and [he] quit telling her, and [he] let her warsh in it every day!" Another clip reveals Kimj blissfully running her fingers through her hair. I'm surprised the editors didn't digitally add a little dab of brown on her cheek. Tom then says, "I try to smell her -- see if she smells like an elephant. Really, she don't, but she's warshed in it ever day!" He's clearly uncomfortable with Kimj's bathing activities -- he wriggles around throughout the discussion and grins uncomfortably. A happy-looking Kimj prepares to head back to camp, ignorant of the fact that she's just enthusiastically scrubbed elephant shit all over her body. This doesn't seem like a very respectful portrayal of Kimj, but I can see why. Is her only independent accomplishment in Africa having bathed in the runoff of a giant elephant poop?
Lex Loser tells us that boredom has recently become a reality for the players. Lex Loser, Ethan, and Tom sit side by side on the cart and stare into nothingness. Tom's legs are crossed in a feminine way; he looks at his foot and then whistles. Ethan clutches his leg to his chest and lifts his shoulders up and down. Lex Loser says that they're running out of things to do, and he thinks he's probably gotten to know the other four members of Mofo Maji better than people he's known five or ten years. Tom then removes his shoes, and Lex Loser tells him to put them far away. Ethan agrees, "Yeah, you gotta put them, maybe, in the fire." Hee. Lex Loser cackles, but Ethan says he's serious -- he thinks it would be "good for [them] if [they] burned" Tom's shoes. Ethan and Lex Loser stare at Tom's feet. Tom stares at Tom's feet. In a confessional, Ethan tells us that Tom's feet "stink perhaps the worst [he's] ever smelled of anyone's feet on the planet Earth." He adds, "He's got some funk down there that I've never smelled before."
Now Tom and Ethan lie side by side in the shade. Tom is wiggling his ass around, perhaps trying to get comfortable, but he's Tom, so you never really know what he's doing. Ethan starts fidgeting and says, "I don't like bein' so close to you." Tom tells us in a confessional that all the others complain about his odor problem, but Ethan is the worst. Tom is amazed and slightly outraged that Ethan actually wanted him to move his shoes. He wails, "He told me throw my shoes away!" Ethan tells Tom that a gust of wind will bring the smell to Ethan's nose, and Ethan can't stand it. He wants Tom to throw the shoes away. At this, Tom yelps something that is most likely "I can't throw my sneakers away!" I've spent nearly the whole season trying to come up with the perfect word for Tom's manner of speaking, and I think "yelping" does a pretty good job of it. We see Tom throw his sneakers about ten feet behind where the two men are lying, but Ethan still objects that they are near his head; he pleads with Tom to put them by the water. Ethan says in a confessional that Tom has a problem; then we see a close-up of Tom's happy wriggling toes while he whistles contentedly. I wonder how much those sneakers will fetch on eBay.
A cheetah yawns in a tree. A lion sleeps on its back, like Piglet. More wild animals yawn, including Big Tom; I yawn in solidarity. A rooster is pecking around in the boma. Hey! A rooster is pecking around in the boma! Ethan tells us in a confessional that the members of Mofo Maji were enjoying their popcorn when Big Tom -- and this we hear for ourselves -- exclaimed, "Hey, hey, hey, hay-ell, Big Red is out!" Teresa tells the others to sit still; she says she'll fetch the chicken: "We're buddies." That's what happens to Teresa's "buddies." Tom scoffs, "Buddies, hay-ell." In a confessional, he says, "A lotta people saw a chicken out. I saw my dinner out walkin' around." He's worried that it will escape the boma. We see clips of Teresa unsuccessfully creeping after Big Red as Tom continues telling us that the others panicked and were "wantin' to run the chicken. Worst thing you could do was run that chicken. So I just laid there and didn't want to panic that chicken." Tom coaches Teresa to steer the chicken slowly in Tom's direction. Then Ethan tells us, in a confessional, that Tom was just lying there when the chicken walked by, and a "half-asleep" Tom simply grabbed it by both legs. An amazed Ethan thinks this was damn "impressive." Teresa acts like she had something to do with catching Big Red, and starts yelling at Big Tom to stop when he pretends to take a bite out if the rooster. Ethan wants a bite, too. He says in a confessional that they started wrestling over Big Red just to have a little excitement in the day. He adds, "You know, maybe we'll let it out more and try to catch it. Let's have some fun." Hee. Then the chicken walks around on the loose again, but it's probably the same footage we saw earlier.
The tribe walks to treemail. Ethan tells us in a confessional that they were expecting it to be challenge time. As they arrive, Lex Loser yells that it's "sumpin' big!" and Kimj yells back, "Oh, I like big!" Lex Loser narrates that it was a completely different kind of treemail than usual, because it was an "instant reward." He tells the others that there's something for each of them in the treemail, and proclaims it "mail call." He distributes to the tribe Survivor logo-ed manila envelopes. Ethan shakes his to see if it jingles, and then hugs it. This reminds me of my cousins when they were little: they were sure they were getting a puppy for Christmas. There was a big box under the tree for a couple of days; they punched holes in it, and were still so sure that it was a puppy even after it the box never moved and no one ever fed the box. Finally they unwrapped it, and it turned out to be a birdbath. Teresa doesn't hug her envelope; she hugs Kimj instead.
As the others announce that they've received letters, Lex Loser brags, "I've got a whole mess of letters!" He tells us in a confessional that he had letters from his wife, his two sons -- even the shifty one -- and from his parents. He thinks it doesn't get any better than that. It gave him what he needed to get through the few days, and "fed [his] body and [his] soul." Lex Loser cries. I try to pause the VCR to read his letter, but all I can make out is a lot of 6's.
Teresa tells us that the first note she grabbed was from her dad. He does a very dad-like thing in his letter (dated July 20, 2001) by writing the most basic stuff, and then promising a longer letter from her mother. His letter touched Teresa the most, because his health is bad and she worries that he might not be there when she gets home.
Tom reads his aloud: "Don't forget the pressure's on/ So if you feel like givin' up and bein' a puss/ Just remember that you have to be tough and uphold me reputation/ Now that I'm the big dog." Okay, I guess it wasn't a poem, but he read it like it was one. Beau may well have thought it was a poem, and who am I to dictate the line between poetry and prose? Tom jokes to Teresa, "Does that sound like a way to talk to your dad?"
Ethan is off by himself reading his letter while Africans wail in empathy. Ethan is excited because his loved ones put the ink on the paper and touched it and now he gets to touch it, too. He thinks it's "very nice."
Kimj cries and says the reward is "the best." Her husband wrote her a poem, and "he's not a poem writer." Like that's ever stopped anybody else on this show. Kimj shows the camera a piece of paper with a heart and arrow and "We love you Kippy" written on it. She tells us that even before she came on the show, her husband called her "Survivor Kippy." The poem, which she reads aloud, is as follows: "There once was a girl named Kippy Grant/ Who never said the words "I can't"/ Friends all say she's not like most dames/ It's hard to cover for Kippy's no-show/ For a mom and a wife who really loves living/ We're lucky indeed you're always so giving." While I won't draw the line between poetry and prose, I will allow myself to draw the line between poetry and crap. As Kimj reads the poem, the camera dramatically scans the landscape, and sad music plays in the background, but it's hard to do anything but laugh. Lex Loser is in the background staring, and the others are all listening, too, as she bares her husband's middling soul on national television. Ethan sweetly says what I refuse to say: "That's a great poem!" Teresa tells us that the experience would be nothing if she didn't have people to go back home and share it with. She says the reward brought "a calm and a reality" to her, now that the game is almost over. Teresa reads her letters, backlit, in front of a sunset. Sunset=bad. Backlit sunset=one-way ticket back to Jackson.
It's now Day 35, and Teresa notices that the mail is early. She returns to the boma and announces that treemail has arrived; she makes sure they're all ready to listen before she reads the clue aloud. This particular clue has a title, which is "Reward Haiku"; it goes as follows: "A surprise visit/ For one whose brain is sharpest/ Who will claim it?" The gong sounds, and Asian-sounding music plays in the background. To their credit, it's not Chopsticks. Lex Loser can't believe that there's even the possibility of a visit from home, because they're in the middle of nowhere. Because Australia and Pulau Tiga were just a Southwest's flight away from the U.S. Tom points out that the clue could, instead, refer to the possibility that one of them will be surprising someone else with a visit, and then Kimj notices that the clue doesn't say "a surprise visitor." They all "hmmm" and "I wonder" and Ethan posits that maybe they'll have to write a poem or something. Kimj wants to be reminded what a haiku is, because she thinks her husband may have inadvertently written one. Lex Loser smugly says a haiku is "a Japanese poem" because he knows he's got this challenge in his back pocket. He points out that the clue is actually written in haiku, and then Tom yelps, "Oh my God, I can't even say haiku!" Gong!
The S5 arrive at the challenge, where five easels holding oversized word jumbles await them. Seriously. Word jumbles! Back in the first season, didn't I joke that they would eventually resort to this? Peachy shows up and tells them that the day's challenge is "strictly mental," and will not require endurance. He's acting all tough to compensate for the fact that it's such a lame challenge. He says tells the S5 that the challenge will consist of locating twelve Swahili words in the puzzle. Each time they find a word, they should circle it within the puzzle, cross it off the corresponding list. The key to the game, Peachy says, is that each word will intersect with at least one other word in the puzzle. Once they have found and circled all twelve words, they should locate all of the intersecting letters and unscramble them to create an English word. That word is not "lame." They'll also receive a hint to help them unscramble the final English word. I thought it would be fun to transcribe what the twelve words are, but I can't quite make out two of them, and it seems stupid to include all of them but two. For the record, "vongonya" sounds like a venereal disease to me. A two-part reward awaits the winner; the puzzle answer is a clue to the first part, and Peachy promises to explain the second part later. He assures the S5 that it will be "a great reward." He then asks, "Shall we get it on?" as he did last week, and someone should probably tell him not to say that anymore unless he really means it. Or else they need to get a contestant who will take him up on it.
Tom and Kimj stare at their boards in a stupor. Lex Loser has four words circled before anyone else has even moved. Ethan gets a few in a row, and then Tom and Kimj each get one. Teresa doesn't seem to have any, but Peachy doesn't announce this -- perhaps to avoid embarrassing her. Apparently, the winning technique is to stick your tongue out and scroll your piece of chalk across the board. I'm not sure how it helps, but Lex Loser and Ethan are both doing it. Then Lex Loser has all twelve of his words, and Ethan -- who is the closest of the others -- has only six.
Lex Loser starts working on his clue; the intersecting letters are: c, h, l , a, n , v, a, a, e and the hint is "natural occurrence/ awesome power." Kimj has only got four words circled at this point, and Teresa apparently thinks there's a consolation prize for the most perfectly circled word. The editors don't even bother attempting to create suspense as Lex Loser spells out "avalanche" and Peachy proclaims him the winner. Ethan throws his chalk at the board and Tom looks sad in slow motion. Peachy congratulates Lex Loser and proclaims that it will be a "great day." The others slowly come over to congratulate Lex Loser, and Lex Loser surprises Ethan by hugging him really hard -- boa constrictor hard. Peachy then sidles up to the women and says, "Hey guys, we're gonna take a little walk." As they head off together, Lex Loser cackles, "Oh, I see wheels!" He also notices some chrome, and then demands that Peachy "get out of town!" But not in Lex Loser's brand-new Chevy Avalanche, that's for sure. Peachy tells Lex Loser it's all his and Lex Loser gets very excited. In a confessional, Ethan tells us, "When I walked around that bush and saw that big blue Chevy truck and knew it wasn't mine, I was so...like, jealous." It takes him a really long time to come up with the word "jealous." He says he was annoyed and pissed off when Lex Loser won; he tried to be happy for him, but was not. Ethan says it's difficult, and that he doesn't want Lex Loser to win anymore.
Lex Loser sits on his truck while the others stand around and look irritated. Peachy says that now it's time for the second part of the reward. Lex Loser is going to have "a great honor" in being an ambassador of good will from Survivor to Kenya. Peachy preaches to the S5 that AIDS is a huge problem in Africa, so the producers have loaded up the truck with "really special cargo." He dramatically pulls off the blanket, revealing boxes that say things like "medical dressing," "medical supplies," "surgical supplies," and "HIV test kits." I'm willing to bet those boxes were labeled so prettily by the Survivor crew. I'm surprised one of them doesn't read "Purely Motivated Good Things that Help People from Survivor." ["At this point, I sneered to my sister, 'Teresa is weeping. What the hell?'" -- Wing Chun] Peachy explains that he and Lex Loser will bring the Avalanche's cargo, along with another truckload of supplies, to Wamba Hospital, which he calls "the coolest place." Started in 1961, the hospital has lasted forty years completely funded by charitable donations. In a confessional, Teresa says that when they opened up the truck and she "saw 'HIV,'" it was emotional for her, because her brother died of AIDS. She explains that, eleven years ago when he was sick, very little was known about the disease, and the reward made her very happy. ["At this point, I felt like a really, really bad person." -- Wing Chun]
Now Peachy wants to "get outta here"; he throws the keys at Lex Loser. Really, Peachy should have given the keys to someone else to throw at Lex Loser. As the truck barrels down the road, Lex Loser tells us that Peachy re-explained to him "what the visit part of the reward was": visiting a hospital in a village called Wamba. At this point, I bet Lex Loser was still half-expecting that his wife and sons -- even the shifty one -- would be waiting for him at the end of the journey. If he were anyone else, I'd feel bad for him. Lex Loser tells us that their cargo is a year's worth of medical supplies especially for "all of their AIDS testing." In the cab of the truck, Lex Loser is excited to have a fresh new audience for his dogma in Peachy. He animatedly tells Peachy that he's been competing at Survivor, ironically, without having once thought once about what the terms "survive" and "survivor" means. Maybe that's because the game of Survivor has absolutely nothing to do with either of those concepts. Lex Loser thinks a trip to Wamba hospital is "the perfect situation to just remind [him] of that."
A panoramic shot of the hospital reveals that the facility is, indeed, in the middle of nowhere. Lex Loser tells us that people come from all over to go to this hospital in this little village in the middle of Kenya. As they pull up into the driveway, people in pink clothing run away from them. Peachy points out the doctor straight ahead, and as they emerge from the truck, hospital staff members stand at attention. The doctor is kindly and slightly eccentric-looking as Peachy introduces Lex Loser and his "very special delivery." In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that the "old Italian doctor" has dedicated his whole life to helping people in Africa. He says, "This guy does it simply out of the goodness of his own heart," and sounds shocked by the idea that someone would do such a thing. Lex Loser tells us that the doctor has mobilized and inspired enough people to cerate a self-sufficient hospital in the middle of nowhere. You know, if that doctor were a competitor on Survivor, I'd be his biggest fan. As they unload the truck, Peachy is very proud of their cargo. Then the doctor thanks them, and Lex Loser says "You are so welcome" as if he had anything to do with it. Another huge truck full of supplies rounds the corner. Lex Loser tells us that the hospital is in desperate need of their goods because "they're running on fumes in that hospital." Survivor to the rescue! Then Lex Loser explains that they're delivering a new drug (new to Kenya, anyway) that gives pregnant HIV-positive women a better than 50% chance of not passing on the disease to their children. Lex Loser gets a tour of the pediatric ward which he calls both "heartbreaking and inspirational." In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that most of these children are orphans; we see Lex Loser playing with the children, and a very cute child points at a camera. The experience made Lex Loser "miss the hell" out of his kids -- even the shifty one. Lex Loser says that after "checking out the hospital," he walked away a changed man. Peachy and Lex Loser bid adieu to the doctor, who does look very happy about their contribution, and they all agree that it's been a pleasure. Or maybe that it's a pleasure to part. Lex Loser tells Peachy the experience "planted a small seed" in his mind, and it's a gift he'll take home with him. Aw. No really. Aw.
Backlit survivors sit around the campfire as the moon rises. Tom tells us that there is a little bit of animosity at camp toward Lex Loser. Tom says that a lot of people have been asking him about his alliance; "a lot" is a strange way to word it, though, since the maximum number who could have asked him is three. Tom tells Kimj something I absolutely cannot understand except that it involves "tak[ing] care of it" and "us[ing] [his] personal judgment." As opposed to continuing to use Lex Loser's personal gut. Kimj whispers to Ethan that they don't want Lex Loser and Tom around at the end of the game. She thinks Ethan has gotten too far "to have that happen to [him]." Ethan looks skeptical. In a confessional, Kimj tells us that she is "absolutely trying to work a deal." She says she knows the guys really don't want their alliance to come down to the final three, because they're all suspicious of one another. At this point, her dilemma, she thinks, is to determine which of the men feels the most vulnerable, and thus is the best prospect to approach "with some type of scenario." Kimj urges Ethan to help her eliminate either Lex Loser or Tom in the Council; then she says he has to decide. Ethan then tells us that Kimj told him that he had to get Lex Loser off, otherwise he'd be "shooting [himself] in the foot."
Suddenly, Lex Loser struts back into camp, but without the typical fanfare. Kimj tells him they thought he'd gone out for a steak dinner, but Lex Loser says he didn't. Maybe he didn't get fed at all? If I were one of the producers of this show and I had an unlikable contestant on a winning streak, I'd arrange for non-food reward challenges as well to give the other competitors at least some chance of catching up. In any case, Lex Loser tells us that after being gone most of the day, the vibe at camp was "thick." The others ask how the trip was, and he says it was "heavy." He explains to us in a confessional that the other tribe members were bummed because "they lost and didn't win." He thinks everyone was nervous, and no one really wanted to talk to him; still, he continues chronicling his experience at Wamba Hospital to the others, none of whom look that interested. Lex Loser then says that there was some "strange stuff goin' down" at Mofo Maji, and "the mojo was just...funky."
The plotting continues as we begin Day 36 . Ethan bitches in a confessional because Lex Loser is healthy and has been eating normally compared to the other members of Mofo Maji. He says that Lex Loser is "ridin' on confidence," and that it's hard for Ethan to be on top of his game. In freaky light, Kimj whispers to Lex Loser that the mood around camp is not -- as he thinks -- that they're angry at him, but just a general feeling of resignation. Lex Loser greets Tom, who grumbles something in response. Kimj tells us in a confessional that Tom has, at various points, tried to get Lex Loser voted off. She says he told Teresa that Lex Loser should be the to go, "unbeknownst" to Lex Loser or Ethan; she also says he told her personally that if she had the opportunity, voting Lex Loser off would be a positive thing, but that he didn't want to know anything about it. A dust tornado kicks up in exactly the same location it did a few weeks back. Tom and Ethan lie side by side, and I think this is the same footage from the stinky foot segment. Tom says that they've made an alliance and will stick to it, because "what will be will be," and he doesn't know any other way about it. Sadly, he does not launch into a jaunty chorus of "Que Sera Sera." Ethan, however, does know another way: voting Lex Loser off. Tom says that Lex Loser will be hard to beat because he's so strong, and Ethan wants to know, "Doesn't the thought of him winning again piss you off?" Ethan tells us in a confessional that he went into the game wanting to win the whole thing by playing fairly and going against the best people head-to-head. I can't figure out who he thinks that should be, though.
All Kimj does, by the way, is whisper to people. I'm not sure I've ever heard her converse at a full speaking voice. She now whispers to Teresa that no one realized how much of a threat Lex Loser was until he won so many challenges in a row. Teresa agrees that they need to get rid of him. I absolutely don't understand this. Of the remaining five, the only one I'd feel pretty comfortable against in the jury vote would be Lex Loser. In any case, Teresa tells us in a confessional that Kimj thinks she's the to go, and has realized that being a part of the alliance will no longer benefit her. Teresa says she thought to herself, "Good for you! You're finally thinkin'!" Teresa and Kimj whisper (what else?) about which player they'd rather go against in the finals. They also talk about what will happen if Lex Loser doesn't win immunity; Teresa says she thinks she can get Tom to vote against him. Kimj agrees that "it's not too early now to do that." Duh. It's a little too late to do that, actually. Teresa says she thought to herself, "Well hey, she's wakin' up a little bit!" Then, an African groans.
Tom checks the treemail. He pulls out a little bowl with a necklace in it, which cause him to say, "Well, ain't that nice?" He then pauses and adds, "What the hell is it?" As he walks back to camp, he singsongs, "A tisket, a tasket, I found somethin' in the basket!" What the frick is a tisket or a tasket, anyway? Tom reads the clue, and is actually a decent reader. His accent tones down a bit, and he's much easier to understand. I'd certainly listen to Goatherd Home Companion if NPR went that route. He then walks around the camp swinging the basket like a little purse and drawls, "Pretty little basket!" The clue reads, "Things are always easier the second time around/ You're about to find out if it's as true as it sounds/ With the final four pending you don't want to lose/ Or at the Tribal Council, it could be you that they choose." The members of the S5 all look pensive; Lex Loser actually strokes his beard. Tom then reveals the little necklace; he says he doesn't know whether it has anything to do with the challenge, and that he thought "it was a damn snake." Lex Loser examines the necklace and proclaims that it is made from seeds. Tom stares and says, "What's that got to do with it?" I've watched the entire episode and I can't answer that question. Anyway, Teresa tells us that the Immunity Challenge is crucial for her, because she's the last Samburu left, and it'd be easier for them to vote her off. And that reminds me -- I don't know why Kimp keeps talking in all her interviews about having been the last "original Samburu." Teresa was an original Samburu; Kimp, having never switched tribes, was more the last "full-blooded Samburu" or some other such definition. The S5 figure out that the challenge will be a reprise of the events in which they've competed in Africa thus far. (How could they possibly figure that out, you ask? It's not like it's been done during both other seasons of Survivor or anything like that.) Ethan thinks perhaps the clue is a red herring and that they'll have to do something two times in a row instead. Teresa tells us in a confessional that whatever the challenge is, she'll have to give it her all. But she's already been backlit, so we know it's all over for her.
A racing landscape shot leads us to a field with targets from the flaming arrow challenge, carts, and other familiar obstacles. An elephant looks like it's heralding the arrival of the S5 with its trunk, but really he's just eating in preparation to taking another big old crap in their water hole tomorrow. Peachy instructs the S5 to "fall in," and tells Tom to "give it up, baby." Tom has difficulties removing the immunity dog collar because his nose is "a little large," so he asks Peachy to unbutton it for him. Peachy explains that the challenge, "obviously a big one," will play on one of the main qualities of winning the game: "The ability to learn from past mistakes." He says the S5 will each have a second chance at elements from challenges -- some will be physical, some will be mental -- and the winner will have to excel at all of them. The first part is a puzzle ladder. The assembled ladders will then be used to climb to a net which they will cross. On the other side of a net are carts containing puzzle pieces. The S5 are instructed to drag their carts to a nearby "puzzle platform" and assemble the puzzle there. They will then climb under a ladder crawl and arrive at the target, which must be ignited with an arrow. Peachy repeats that it's a big challenge. He points out -- as if they might not be aware -- that whoever wins will automatically be in the final four. He proclaims them "all strong competitors," and then sneezes (which sounds suspiciously like "notKimj") into a fist; he announces that "this is game day."
As the challenge begins, Kimj can barely pick up the individual pieces of her ladder. Meanwhile, Ethan does some sort of hokey-pokey-like dance amongst the ladder pieces. Tom, Ethan, and Lex Loser simultaneously raise their assembled ladders, and Lex Loser and Tom both reach the top before Ethan does. Tom then tumbles on the net; his hat falls off, and instead of leaving it behind, he carries it with him. Hey! Kimj is actually ahead of Teresa. We see a shot of her slowly scooting down the net while Teresa runs on it. I guess Kimj won't be ahead for long. Lex Loser has already finished his puzzle and begins the belly crawl. Peachy announces that Lex Loser is "on his last leg" (which is surprisingly close in verbiage but remote in meaning from being "on his last legs"). Lex Loser's very first arrow ignites (because Satan has a way with fire), and even Lex Loser is surprised by this immediate success -- he's madly scrambling for a second arrow when Peachy proclaims him the victor. At first, it looks like Lex Loser is going to handle the victory modestly, but then the cackling rises up from within. Teresa hustles over to congratulate him, and for once Tom's on the receiving end of some butt patting. Peachy says, "Lex Loser, after a temporary vacation, evidently it likes this home a little better" as he puts the collar around Lex Loser's neck. They do a double-handed handshake, and Peachy proclaims Lex Loser "safe" for the Tribal Council; to the others, he says, "One of you is going home!"
Ew! A little bug is eating a big bug! Or a big bug is eating a little bug! I can't tell!
Lex Loser tells Teresa that he knows they'll see each other more, and talk. He may mean after Survivor is over, but I'm not sure. He tells us in a confessional that he and Teresa had a pre-Tribal Council "heart-to-heart." He says she's the odd one out now, and "she's in a mess of hurt." While they continue their conversation, he seductively lies on his side with his head propped up by his arm. He tells Teresa, "Somehow we worked it out to where everyone who's left is a sweet person." For some reason, this comes across as an intensely sexual conversation to me. Ew.
Teresa tells us in a confessional that time is "bittersweet" for her, because she knows she'll be the to go unless she thinks of something quickly. We then see Teresa warning Lex Loser to "watch [himself]," because "even with alliances, people have their own agendas." That sneak! That snitch! That strumpet! Okay, maybe the last one doesn't apply...but I like the sound of it. Teresa tells us that she had several options to turn the game around, but Lex Loser's immunity foiled her plans. She explains that her only remaining option was to try to turning Lex Loser and Kimj against Tom. Teresa murmurs to Lex Loser that "a little birdy" whispered in her ear, when she first joined the Boran tribe, that she should be wary of Lex Loser. ["At this point, I was sure she must have meant Clarence, because Tom was over with the Samburus, and also because Teresa voted against Lex at the first post-merge Tribal Council." -- Wing Chun]
In a confessional, Lex Loser says that Teresa was obviously struggling with something, so she called the others over to confess. Teresa tells us that when she knew she was going to be voted off , she had nothing to lose, so she decided to fess up to the vote heard round the world (or obsessively in Lex Loser's head, anyway.) Teresa tells Kimj and Lex Loser that she changed her vote to Lex Loser because before they left for Tribal Council "somebody" whispered that she should "watch out for Lex [Loser]." Lex Loser wants to know who committed this most egregious of deeds, and she innocently says, "I can't tell ya!" Lex Loser says he "sincerely hopes it was Kelly," but Teresa is noncommittal. Lex Loser sounds disbelieving as he asks, "Did Tom tell you not to trust me?" He says that Tom is the only person he can think of -- maybe that's because Tom is the only one left. Lex Loser tells us that Teresa looked at him and nodded her confirmation. Lex Loser keeps repeating that he doesn't understand. In a confessional, he tells us that Tom gave Teresa "the green light" to vote against Lex Loser. We then see Lex Loser still struggling over whether to believe this information, and then Kimj says Tom also approached her on more than one occasion to vote against Lex Loser. She says Tom didn't want to cast the vote himself, though, and that she wasn't willing to do it for him. Lex Loser shakes his head resignedly and says, "It's a pity." Meanwhile, Tom and Ethan are naïvely going about their wood-collecting. Teresa says in a confessional that Tom wants Lex Loser out of the game, but wants everybody else to do "the dirty work" so that he'll look like a good guy. Lex Loser tells the others that he doesn't think the people on the jury know the evil side of Tom. He thinks that's a problem, and that's why he has a hard time voting against Tom. Huh? And, huh? Again, if everyone on the jury thinks Tom is so great, why would Lex Loser want to keep him around? ["It's possible that Lex thinks the people on the jury think that Lex is great, too; he could have that little sense of how he comes across to others." -- Wing Chun] These people don't seem to understand the point of the game...not that that surprises me.
Lex Loser appreciates that Teresa confessed to him; then Kimj thanks Teresa, too, but whatever. I hate Kimj; she's just a lousy hanger-onner. Teresa skips away thinking she's saved her own ass, and Lex Loser tells Kimj, "It just got way more sinister." Kimj tells us in a confessional that Tom is "insular in his thinking." She insists that he's only looking out for himself most of the time, and that "whatever Tommy wants to do, Tommy does, regardless of its effect on other people." Kimj, however, only does what other people want her to do. Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that he's ultimately responsible only for himself. He says that the game has gone into "cutthroat mode," and that if he thinks Tom is going to screw him over and stab him in the back, he'll "cut [Tom's] throat." Meanwhile, Tom innocently tries to figure out how this thing called a calendar works. Then, Mark Burnett tugs on an invisible string, and a flag falls over.
In what might be the most heavy-handed special effect yet on Survivor, as the members of Mofo Maji exit their boma to head off for the challenge, they each grow fainter and then disappear. This is, of course, meant to symbolize the dissolution of the tribe or some such garbage. Spooky music plays, too, because they're all just ghosts to each other. My senses can barely take in all this beautiful symbolism.
The S5 settle into their seats at Tribal Council, and I notice that Tom is looking at the ground the whole time. Peachy brings in the four-member jury. Frank is wearing Brandon's skirt from last time, Kelly has slightly tramped out, and Brandon thinks he's headed down a catwalk. Kimp looks exactly as she did on the show. Peachy says he has to call attention to something he noticed when the jury first walked in. He points out that Kelly's shirt has the word "shameless" on it, and he "can only imagine" that it hearkens back to last week's Tribal Council, when Lex Loser mentioned the "walk of shame." Of all people, Kelly -- sorority girl man-handler that she is -- should know what a real walk of shame is. Lex Loser insists that the term was coined amongst the tribe a long time ago, and became a common expression for a variety of activities around camp. He says the expression has nothing to do with the jury being a shameful place, and that it in no way suggests that they are slutty, disgusting, self-hating people. Peachy wants to know whether Big Tom is more aware of what he says now that the jury is listening. Tom says he probably should be more aware, but he isn't. He says that everyone on the jury knows him, adding, "If it comes through ma brain, it'll come out ma mouth." He thinks he's too old to change now, and won't change for them, nor for his teammates, nor for Just Peachy, either. He says he is who he is; he'll say whatever he wants, and he'll stand by it. Peachy wants to know how "acute" Ethan's senses are after being out in Africa with no distractions for over a month. Ethan says, "You trip over things that you weren't tripping over before." He also says his ribs stick to the ground. He entire comment is one giant shitmouth, confirming his statement that "mentally, [he's] not sharp" and that "some of [his] acuteness has gone far away." Peachy points out that Teresa is the last of the original Samburu tribe members and she says she was hoping he -- and the members of Mofo Maji -- wouldn't notice. Peachy asks whether she really thinks they might not have noticed, and she acknowledges that they obviously have. Teresa says she feels lucky to have been brought into the old Boran tribe prior to the merge, and she's glad to have gotten to know Ethan and Kimj. She never thought she'd make the final five. Before the vote, Peachy asks whether Tom has a game plan and he earnestly says he thinks he could be to go. He says he has his bag packed like everybody else; Teresa looks like she's stifling a grin while he talks. He says, "You don't know in this game when you're goin' or when you're coming...so I'm goin'...."
Voting commences. As Tom votes for Teresa, he says she's a good friend, and that it's been his pleasure. He wants her to keep that "wonderful smile." We don't see the vote Lex Loser casts with a "really heavy heart." We don't see Teresa's vote, either, and that threw me. I thought if she voted for Big Tom, they would definitely show it, and that made me think she'd voted for someone else entirely. Mark Burnett reached into a brand new bag of tricks for that one. And that's all we see before Peachy leaves to tally the votes. As we wait, pensive shots of the S5 abound. Tom looks very concerned, and I want to feed him some pancakes and ham.
Peachy reads the votes. The first three are for Teresa. Actually, one is for "T-Bird," which Peachy feels the needs to clarify: "That's you, Teresa." Peachy doesn't read the last two votes because they don't matter, and Teresa cringes and asks, "Is the fat lady singing?" She hugs everyone goodbye, and Tom looks particularly surly during this time. The tribe has spoken, and Teresa winks at the others and heads off. Peachy proclaims, "Here's what this game has come down to: four people, three days, two immunity challenges, one Survivor." He can count!
Immediately following the episode, Peachy gives a public service announcement describing how viewers can learn more about organizations fighting AIDS. To find out what Survivor is doing and how you can help, go to PedAIDS.org. And then, another touching shot of Just Peachy's Visa card ("the official card of Survivor") brings us to commercial.
week on Survivor, it's the final vote! This is one night you won't want to miss! A giraffe tries to compete in the challenge!
Teresa says Survivor has been the "absolute experience of a lifetime." She never dreamed she'd be picked to be among the original sixteen competitors, much less make it to the final five. She's as gracious as you would have expected her to be if you hadn't seen her less than admirable behavior in this episode.