Will There Be a Feast Tonight?

Last week on Survivor, the tribes worried that there might not be a merge. Sambutwo stuffed sandwiches in their mouths, and Boranew cooked up some KFC -- that's Kenya Fried Chicken. Brandon was so sorry when Lindsey got voted off, but no one else was.

Before the show begins, we must endure a preview for You've Got Mail, a movie which -- as I mentioned last week in the recap -- I'd be happy never to see. Obviously, CBS is spiting me for mocking their efforts at poetry by showing me some real art.

A peaceful ah-um! brings us to Sambutwo on Night 18 as they walk back to camp after Tribal Council. In a confessional, Brandon says that Lindsey "left Tribal Council lookin' like a jackass." He tells us he's glad she's gone and then says, "Can I just say that again?" He can, and does. He couldn't stand to think of going into the merge with Lindsey's "whinin' and cryin' and bawlin' and bein' a baby." He wants to know "whatever happened to leavin' with dignity." I want to know whatever happened to the "g" at the end of "ing" words. During this confessional, a come-hither Brandon lounges against a rock -- shirtless and all Saving Private Ryan. Or Saving Ryan's Privates, if you prefer.

At camp, Brandon tells Kelly that he and Kimp had no choice but to align with Lindsey and Silas because of the Oldskool alliance within Samburu. He says that Playskool made him feel protected, and that he was protected by his alliance. Or at least that's what I think he says. Kimp punctuates Brandon's statements with a nod or affirmative noise, even though if she's anything like me she has no idea what he's talking about. Kimp tells Sambutwo that the ethics of Survivor are killing her because she wants to push herself, but she also wants to keep her word to others. She thinks it's a hard, selfish game. In a confessional, Tom grins, "If you make your bed, you gotta lay in it. And I think they laid in it a little bit last night and got the weasels." He wiggles around a bit to emphasize the "weasels" part. I think he might have meant "wiggins," but it's Tom and he's a goat farmer from Rich Valley, Virginia; maybe they do literally get weasels there, I wouldn't know. As the tribe prepares for bed, Brandon asks Kimp whom she plans to sleep with -- him or Kelly? She snarks that she usually sleeps with him, so why would she change now? Brandon then explains in a confessional that Playskool's situation has changed because they are in the minority for the first time. He plans on maintaining his relationship with Kimp, but more distantly, because he knows that one of them will go before the other.

The moon morphs into the sun and it's morning on Day 19 at Boranew. A chicken crows for her lost kin. An African chants for his corrupted continent. Clarence informs us that the tribe ate a chicken the night. He says, "And we all took our turn on it and it was awesome." It was the best thing he's had so far in Africa, but his digestive system is bothered because he hasn't had "fat or grease in it for a while." He says he woke up "with a little rumblin' in the stomach" and headed out into the bush with his shovel. We see a panorama shot of elephants and a dark, small blurb in front of them that turns out to be Clarence squatting and standing up and pulling up his pants and tucking. He tells us that when he finished "doing [his] business," he saw a "nice little herd of elephants" nearby and realized he'd been lazy about security. He says, "While I was doing my business, I could have got trampled," and laughs that that would have been an embarrassing way to die.

Back at camp, Kimj wonders to Clarence whether they'll merge. He tells us in a confessional that the tribe thought it was "merger day," but so far they've just been "pretty much hangin' out." Kimj tells us she's learned playing Survivor that just when she thinks there's a pattern, there isn't one, so now she just waits to see what will happen. Boranew eats a breakfast of surprisingly large piles of cornmeal; Kimj wants to know if they're all thinking about the prior evening's chicken feast. Clarence responds, "I was thinkin' about that chicken this morning." Hee. Kimj then points out that the swarm of flies buzzing around the cornmeal don't even move when she swats at them. She jokes that the meal is just like Sunday brunch -- with a newspaper, cornmeal, and a comfy sofa. Frank asks, "What is brunch again, exactly?" There's a pause while the others try to figure out if he's for real. Kimj explains, "Brunch -- depending on where you go -- is all and any kind of seafood to eggs to -- I mean -- just huge, and it's just all a set price. I mean, you get a lot of food for your money." That could possibly be the least helpful (and strangest) definition of brunch ever. For starters, she's confusing "brunch" with "buffet." I know some brunches are buffets but not all brunches are buffets, and certainly all buffets aren't brunches. I'm only nitpicking because, in a confessional, Kimj says that Frank knows a lot of things, but she can't believe he's never heard the term "brunch" before. I suppose she should feel better about herself for having heard of brunch, but why disseminate false information to define it? Back in the discussion, Frank concludes of brunch that "it's a combination breakfast/lunch," thus handily managing to define the term more accurately than Kimj did. For the record, the dictionary defines brunch as "a meal typically eaten late in the morning as a combination of a late breakfast and an early lunch." Kimj further explains in her confessional that Frank is a "three meals a day man" and probably eats them all at the same time every day. We then see Frank off by himself somewhere scraping at a pot and Teresa yells, "Frank, you want any more mush...I mean, excuse me, cornmeal?"

Lex, Kelly, and Tom stand around at Sambutwo and gloat over how good things look for their future. Lex thinks the only thing standing between the three of them and the Final Four is immunity challenges. He says that they've "pretty much locked it." Kelly resembles Julia Stiles as she does a poor version of the White Man's Overbite. I haven't seen Save the Last Dance, but word around town is that Ms. Stiles should stick to acting. And barely that. Tom completely shows up Kelly with a most excellent Cabbage Patch. As an African wails in the background, Brandon tells us in a confessional that he doesn't want to be with his tribe anymore because it's horrible. He says "horrible" several times, so I guess the situation really is horrible. Or, Brandon's a drama queen. He tells us -- while wearing a buff that looks like a turban -- that he looks forward to the merge because in the individual competitions, "it's everybody for themselves." Didn't Samburu sit his skinny ass out every chance they got? Lex meanwhile tells Tom and Kelly that he's "stoked" because it's a whole new game. Tom points out that they should merge today, and they all agree that they hope the merge will happen.

At camp, Lex hacks at something with a machete-like knife. He tells Tom that he's "making [him] a little present," and deems it an "ber-spoon." ["Shout-out." -- Wing Chun] He then questions whether Tom knows the definition of "ber," and explains that it means "the ultimate." Except he sounds it out phonetically, like "UL-TI-MATE," as though Tom's some kind of moron, which he probably is, but that's beside the point. We know what ber is here at MightyBigTV...it's us! In any case, Lex brags that he found a piece of wood that was "ergonomically and functionally perfect," which is a pretty heavy burden for a soon-to-be-spoon to bear. He shows the ber-Spoon (coming soon to an infomercial near you, along with Super-Pole 2000) to Kelly and Tom and names it "The Big Tom Buchanan Spoon." Kelly tells us in a confessional that Lex is "so politicking for a win," and she's irritated by watching him kiss ass and "talk in his dad voice." We see yet another clip of Lex and the ber-Spoon in which Kelly does a less than convincing job of seeming impressed. Back in her confessional, Kelly asks, "Am I the only one who notices he's a totally weird person?" ["No. Lex stalks me through my nightmares. He seriously gives me the creeps really, really bad." -- Wing Chun] Kelly's funny when she's not cheering. Actually, she's funny when she's cheering too, but in a different sort of way. She then fast-talks that she'd vote Lex off if she were sure there wasn't a forthcoming merger. Lex continues to be absurdly jazzed about his spoon, and tells Kelly he might even take it home with him. She responds, "That's great." Well, her mouth says, "That's great," but her expression says, "Shut up."

The S10 assume their positions and stand around, looking very serious, with their hands in the air. Brandon has an itch and instead of scratching it with his free hand wriggles his mouth around -- more motion than if he'd just scratched it normally. I would not enjoy this challenge. Mostly, the S10 look sad and quiet. Peachy taunts Kimp by asking if her back is getting to her; she answers, "A little bit," and smiles sweetly. He then gets in a jab: "Well, we're ten minutes in. I figure it'll go several hours." He moves on to Kelly, who says, "I love doing this. I do this at home." She adds, "You don't get this enough in life, I find." Look out! A woman who knows how to handle a Peach. She can't handle a bucket, however, and it falls on her after only fourteen minutes. She's surprised, so I guess -- as it appears to happen with most of the others, as well -- that her hand involuntarily jerked, thus pulling the bucket's contents down on her. Peachy barks, "Kelly! Benches!" and before she even sits down, Kimj is out, too. Ethan, meanwhile, is in deep inspection of his arm. Kimj and Kelly probably have not had a chance to talk since the re-division of the tribe, so they trade all sorts of gossip and conversation. They're both pleased that Silas got ejected. Kelly then tells Kimj that they don't want Frank on the jury, because he "hates women and doesn't want a woman to win, period." And Kelly would know this how? She hasn't even met Frank yet. And sure, there are misogynist husbands and fathers-of-daughers in this world, but I'm not convinced Frank is leading that charge. After eighteen minutes, Brandon decides to "screw it" and pulls his rope. Kimp calls him "B" and wants to know how it feels, but she finds out soon enough when she's the to go, at thirty-six minutes. Tom's out at forty-four minutes, and he seems surprised when the water hits him. We then watch Frank just staring up at his bucket and perhaps even tugging on the rope to test the slackness. Kelly and Kimj whisper about what he's doing, and I think Kelly says, "Come on Frank, dummy!" but I'm not entirely confident. It appears that the entire gallery of losers is rooting against poor Frank. Brandon explains to the others about how tired Frank and Ethan seem, which is strange since they can see it for themselves. He says that Frank is "all over the place"; then Frank's bucket tips at fifty-five minutes. Brandon starts cheerily clapping at Frank's demise until a reprimanding elbow from Kimp causes him to unconvincingly say, "Aw, good job, Frank." ["Which was really quite funny." -- Wing Chun]

At one hour and fourteen minutes Teresa starts belting out the words to "Tomorrow" from Annie. The other S10 are very amused, as am I. Ethan is laughing very hard and trying not to jiggle his bucket. Clarence extends his hand in a grand finale gesture as Teresa does the same. Everyone claps -- Lex on his stomach and Clarence on his chest. Someone yells, "So talented!"

At two hours and seventeen minutes, Peachy appears to comment that "it wouldn't be Survivor without a little temptation." He has with him a "fresh off the grill all-American cheeseburger" with "a lot of beef." It's very large and pale. The sidelined survivors debate who will take the reward, and Brandon is sure "somebody's gone." Tom thinks Ethan will go for the burger, and Kelly thinks Lex will. Kimj tells the others, "This'll appeal to Clarence," but she yells for him to "hang tough!" Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hangin' tough! (Are you tough enough?) New Kids aside, we see Clarence encourage Lex to take the food, but without luck. Peachy then goads them by calling it a "pretty simple deal": he says that whoever feels safe in the Tribal Council should come down and "have [himself] a meal." He waves the burger under Clarence's nose and says, "That's a burger!" Tom yells, "Bring it over here, let me taste it!" and when none of the remaining competitors cave, Peachy hands it off to quitters. Eating calls for the happy la la la la la music. The losers pass it around, and that burger goes a long way. Kimp cringes and cries over it. As the others feast, Lex yells for them to eat quietly, and Brandon apologizes for making pig-out noises. Kelly tells them not to feel too bad, because the burger's a little cold.

As the camera pans over three of the four remaining competitors, it looks like a bizarre depiction of the crucifixion. At two hours and forty-eight minutes Ethan asks Clarence if he'd step down for an entire pizza; Clarence claims that he would, "100% guaranteed." Ethan doesn't seem to believe him. It takes Peachy nearly another two hours to rustle up that pizza, and still he only comes up with half. He struts out with the plate behind his back claiming, "on the menu: it's got crust, it's got cheese, it's cut into four slices, and it is very hot." And it's not Silas after a shaving accident and a one-night stand with Kimmi Kappenberg. Peachy makes "mmmm, mmmm" noises at the remaining four, and in the loser gallery, Kimj complains that if Clarence takes the pizza and eats all four pieces in front of them -- which she's sure he would -- she'll kill herself. But instead the remaining four pass on the half pizza. But get ready for more la la la la la-ing, because the losers inherit the pizza. Kelly tells those still in the competition that the pizza isn't cooked properly, and is doughy.

Lex then inspects his nails and accidentally pulls his water bucket down, and Peachy laughs at him because he "missed out on all that food by minutes." Because it's fun to torture hungry people. Actually in this case, it would be fun to torture hungry people. Joining the others, Lex whispers to Kelly that he doesn't want to see Clarence "wearing that damn necklace," because it would piss him off. Kimj wants to see the challenge come down to Clarence and Ethan, but at four hours and thirty-eight minutes Ethan accidentally pulls his bucket down, leaving only Teresa and Clarence in the game.

Teresa is concentrating very intensely, and Clarence has to whistle to get her attention. He requests a compromise: Rock, Paper, Scissors for the victory. Teresa thinks she has "too much to lose," because she's outnumbered by former Boran tribe members. Clarence assures her that she's not a target, but she doesn't believe him, so the challenge continues.

At four hours and thirty minutes, Peachy appears with some chicken, salad, corn on the cob, a cold beer, and Mountain Dew. At first I thought he said he had "chicken salad," and I couldn't figure out how that bested pizza and a burger. Brandon tells Clarence and Teresa to close their eyes, and Kimj also advises them not to look at the food. Teresa tells Clarence that he's stronger than she is and will win more immunity challenges. She pronounces "immunity" as "i-moo-nity." Clarence insists that the others want him gone because he's the strongest. Teresa finally reveals the psychotic tendencies that account for her selection as a Survivor competitor as she pouts, "You made that up. Tryin' to trick me, and I don't like it." ["In that moment, she really reminded me of Sissy Spacek in Carrie. -- Wing Chun] Lex, meanwhile, whispers to the others that Clarence is trying to make a deal with Teresa, so he must be getting weak. Clarence tells Teresa that there is "strength in alliances," and says, "I'm not Silas -- you gotta trust me." This is followed by an "I'll trust you if you trust me if I trust you if you trust me" exchange. Clarence then extends his free arm with his palm facing the watching contestants. He mouths words to them but his hand is kind of covering his face. Lex tells the others that he thinks Clarence is trying to bait Teresa by saying he can get the others not to vote for her. Lex says, "He keeps lookin' over to us askin' for some sort of assurance that we won't. I don't know why he's askin' us for anything, though. When you're up there, it's just about you!" After unanimously agreeing that it's ridiculous for Clarence to seek their help, they all give him sweet little waves. Clarence then whispers to Teresa, "They can't even tell what I'm talkin' about." What is he talking about? I think this is the first challenge in all three seasons of Survivor wherein the competitors have seriously become delusional.

At six hours, Clarence proposes Rock, Paper, Scissors again, and Teresa caves. Paper covers rock, Teresa wins, and Clarence honors the deal: he gets the food and Teresa scores the dog collar.