Last week on Survivor, Silas was the key at Samburu. Boran continued its losing streak, and Jessie went back to Orlando to put on some Chapstick.
Mark Burnett makes squeaky animal noises outside Boran's tent on Night 6. He then starts roaring. Clarence and Kelly are the tribe's sentries, and I'm amazed that Boran actually took this mandate -- having two people awake at all times -- seriously. Kelly points out what she thinks is a lion, but what is more likely Mark Burnett making animal shadows on the tent wall with his hands and a flashlight. Clarence tells us in a confessional, "We got wild Africa." Kelly then attempts to use her manipulation skills against the lion by yelling, "Go away!" Apparently, it's not as stupid an act as it seems -- my Africa expert friends say noise-making is a good deterrent to wild animals. Clarence and Kelly are also rattling cans. At my parent's house, we rattle cans at my sister's basset hound Clancie so that she will stop stealing SPAM off the kitchen table. In a confessional, Clarence is face-painted Hamburgler-style. Beanburgler-style would be more appropriate, but there's no costume for that. He tells us they could hear the lions making a wheezing sound outside. (Note to Mark Burnett: give the asthmatic cameraman a raise.) Clarence and Kelly converse over the fact that the lions are right outside their perimeter. Lex tells us in a confessional that they all went into Survivor knowing it would be real, just not "quite that real." We then see Lex manically feeding the fire which the tribe had for some reason -- sheer stupidity, most likely -- allowed to dwindle to almost nothing. Ethan says his "worst fear in the world, like, is getting startled out of [his] sleep by a roar." Tom tells us in a confessional that it was all he could do to keep from running, but there was nowhere to go. Kimj is also yelling at the lions to go away. Ethan counts the lions and concludes that they must be circling the camp. The tribe deduces that there are at least two lions stalking them, and probably more. Clarence says, "If you're approached by an animal, don't run, and hopefully everything will be all right." "Hopefully" is not much consolation. He then says, "You're not gonna beat a beast," but we know that's not true, because they defeated Diane two weeks ago. The tribe discusses its plight, and concludes that no one knows what to do if a lion "started scraping at the fence." Scary lion shot!
It's Day 7 at Samburu, and the tribe is waking up. The young people bitch about getting up early. I don't know which clever forum member to TM here, but from now on the two alliances of Samburu are officially Playskool and Oldskool. I don't like to steal these things, but I hate to keep writing "young people" and "old people" because those are such skewed and annoying designations. Kimp complains that she and the other Playskoolers like to sleep in -- they didn't even have their shoes on yet when the Oldskoolers wanted to go get water. Carl tells us he doesn't want to go get the water either, but if he doesn't, who will? I guess we'll find out week. Teresa approaches the still-sleeping Brandon and says about fifty times that she was "gonna do breakfast," but she'll trade that task with Brandon. I'm not sure why they felt the need to include this clip. Lindsey tells us that Oldskool is nervous and has been sucking up to Playskool. Brandon tells the others that they shouldn't feel bad or forget that Oldskool has been putting Playskool through hell. He says they are "conniving, miserable little people." Brandon, Jeff Varner's on the phone -- he wants his bitch back, and you've got it on. Incidentally, Lindsey is a cackler, which does not bode well for her in the likeability factor. Playskool concludes that Oldskool is probably talking about them right now, so we immediately segue to a shot of Teresa -- who has gone very quickly from being sweet-voiced to incredibly grating-voiced. She's like Agnes DiPesto from Moonlighting but without the humor. I think Agnes DiPesto is on my mind since she showed up onFelicitylast week, and speaking of Felicity, I can't wait to see the Rhinestone Cowboy routine in the October 31 episode. It'd be better if it were Javier in the pageant, but the show's not called Javier, is it? And that's a damn shame. Back on point, Teresa tells Oldskool that she liked Silas's idea, which was to have Oldskool vote for the same Playskool member, and Silas would then orchestrate the splitting of Playskool's votes. It's sad that Teresa still thinks Silas is on their side, particularly when Carl points out -- after calling her "T-bird" by the way -- that Silas hasn't talked to any of them recently. Teresa tells us in a confessional that they're wondering whether "Silas is still with us." Now she reminds me of the woman who played Chloe, Dr. Lewis's sister on ER. That woman scares me -- she was in The Color of Night with Bruce Willis -- terrible, terrible movie, don't see it; I'm embarrassed to admit I did -- and went all wiggy with the lipstick in one scene. I've just noticed that Teresa sends me off on tangents. In any case, Linda starts enthusing about spirits and filling spirits and Carl and Frank both walk away from her in separate directions as she's talking. No one listened to her in Africa, and, wherever she is at this moment, no one's listening to her now. Back at camp, Brandon tells us, "I like my gruel, like, fried a certain way." Hee. He says he has decided as the morning's chef to give his "team" more. In a confessional, Lindsey says that they're going to "pig out." We then see Playskool eating many burnt rice patties. I think Silas could have been the newSuperman. Playskool laughs about having not left Oldskool any food, and Brandon volunteers that he's boiled them some water so they can make it for themselves. As Oldskool returns to camp, Silas yells to them that their breakfast is "burnt, probably" and that Kimp left it on the fire. Kimp looks confused.
Back at Boran, the tribe talks about how the prior night sucked, as they inspect a paw print. Kelly says, "That's a big cat," and I'm sure it is a big cat compared to the perfect white, fluffy kitty named Princess she has at home. Lex makes a production out of measuring the paw print, as if that's going to do anything. He then starts preaching to the others that if they see a lion during the day, they should just stand still because running will signal that they're "prey" and "that's just inviting the lion to just jump on you and gnaw you." Tom tells us in a confessional that they've got to fix "that fay-ence." We then see various fence-making activities conducted, by participants wearing gloves. Ethan continues on the paranoia train as he points out the hole lions could "slide under."
Samburu remains lion-free, but they have their own problems: Lindsey coddles her beads, while Carl tells us that the tribe's biggest problem is "two cracks" in one of the pots. Of course, we're supposed to think that this is symbolic of the crack in their tribe, but there's only one crack in Samburu (unless you count the crackpot who is Linda), so the analogy doesn't really work. Carl blames Playskool's behavior on Generation X indifference, but the four Playskoolers are well past Generation X and halfway through the alphabet again maturity-level-wise. Lindsey tells us that her friend made her a necklace, which broke in Africa. While she and Kimp were fixing it, she realized that each bead represents "someone close to her," so she decided to give one to each Playskooler to "represent that [they're] one unit." She then jokes that is "like little kids in fifth grade," thus stealing my joke from last week's recap. She tries to laugh off the stupidity of such behavior, but you can tell she's proud of herself and of her bead necklaces. Kimp preens and wants to know if hers "looks nice." Frank thinks that "making bead necklaces is a waste of time." He abides by the credo of "food, shelter, water, guns." Okay, so he doesn't say "guns." Kimp tells us that the "bead thing -- it was flaunting right in [their] face[s] like it's the four [Playskoolers] and then there's the four [Oldskoolers]." She continues that the necklaces were a "slap in the face" to Oldskool and that it's part of their strategy to demonstrate unity. This is so stupid -- the only reason the Playskoolers even care about presenting a unified front is because the Oldskoolers did it first. It's like watching third-graders and fourth-graders competing on the playground. Really, they're all more "special" school than anything else. Kimp, by the way, is sporting Elisabeth-style pigtails and wondering why it was so much cuter when Elisabeth did it. Brandon tells us that the necklaces could be "incredibly ballsy or incredibly stupid." I don't see how wearing a necklace could be either of those two things unless, of course, you're walking in East Baltimore at two o'clock in the morning. Brandon pretends his necklace is choking him. Carl and Teresa look perturbed as they watch the necklace-making and -donning process. Silas then tells us in a confessional that Playskool realized they would be picked off one by one if they didn't ally; he says he's "no longer with the older people." He gets credit for not saying "old" people. He continues, "I'm not goin' that way, and I don't care if they know that." Plus, he's not interested in getting some from Teresa or Linda. Carl says that Playskool is immature, but that they have been successful at getting under Oldskool's skin.
Now Samburu is sitting around together; Silas says he plans to borrow $20,000 from Carl when they get out of Africa. Carl asks why he wants the money, and Silas says he wants to buy a "vehicle." Who says "vehicle"? Playskool calls Carl "Doc," which is kind of cute. The Playskoolers want to know what kind of car Carl has; he acts like he doesn't want to tell them, but you can tell he really does. They guess that he has a Mercedes and he says, "I got one of those," implying that he has others as well, which isn't the kind of answer you'd give if you were really trying to hide the fact that you had multiple cars. The Playskoolers start guessing what his second car is, and Brandon asks, "Is it a plastic car?" Which is a good guess, but it turns out to be a Porsche. Kimp is doing push-ups during this discussion. Silas tells us in a confessional that he's all about "expos[ing]" the Oldskoolers. Carl tells us in a confessional that having a Porsche is "no big deal." But then he really shouldn't brag about it, should he? He reminds me of the girl in my fifth-grade class who had twenty Cabbage Patch Kids when the rest of us couldn't get our grubby little hands on one. My parents' attempt -- the homemade "Pumpkin Patch Doll" --was well-intentioned, but sorely lacking. Not to worry -- they made up for it the year, with two sets of disturbing bride and groom Cabbage Patch Kids from Japan which, en route to their to-this-day home on our piano in New Jersey, caused the interrogation of -- and much snickering at -- my father at Customs in the Tokyo airport. Carl says Silas's obsession with cars is a sign of his immaturity. He then tells the others that the Porsche was a surprise from his wife, because she knew he never would have bought it for himself -- he doesn't endear his plight to the others or to me by then announcing that he would have used the money instead to invest in mutual funds. Brandon tells us in a confessional that it "bugs the hell out of [him]" to hear Carl bragging about how rich he is when the rest of them really need the Survivor money. My friends and I have decided that they should put a homeless person in the cast so they can show these people the difference between "need" and "want." Just being able to give up the forty days to attempt to win $1 million signals a distinct lack of need. As Silas pushes the issue, Carl says, "Feelin' righteous?" which is a good dig. Carl tells us in a confessional, "This is Gen X. I'm glad I'm forty-six years old, and I'm glad I'm not part of it." ["This twenty-six-year-old will remember how lazy she and the rest of her generation is at the end of her eighteen-hour workday, buttwad." -- Wing Chun]
At Boran, they fetch the reward challenge clue, a snippet of which reads as follows: "Gather no moss as you roll this stone." Bad, bad, so very bad. Apparently, they can't "do it alone." Yada yada yada "clean water and shampoo." For once, a tribe actually deduces from the clue that they'll be "rolling a stone." Silas tells us "it's nice to win," but how would he know?
The tribes arrive at the challenge, and Samburu hugs each other. The members of Boran, meanwhile, stand at least an arm's length away from each other. There are two big fake-looking boulders that appear to be spray-painted red and gold, and Peachy announces that each tribe's goal is to navigate its boulder along a course and to its "final resting spot." Will there be a sacred ceremony accompanying this? They are playing for a hundred gallons of water -- which is a pretty sweet prize if you ask me, which you did just by reading this recap -- and some "organic shampoo." Because the "organic" part really matters. A hundred gallons of water, it turns out, is enough for each member of the tribe to drink a gallon a day until the merge. Peachy then hams it up by drinking out of the spigot to demonstrate that the water is "very clean, very fresh." And very annoying. Samburu needs to sit out two members. It doesn't seem fair that they get to pick their two abstaining members (as opposed to their random selection), but I suppose that's their advantage as the winning tribe. Kimp and Brandon sit out, and the boulder-rolling commences. Peachy runs in front of the boulders as they careen without control across the landscape, and it's like watching a bad horror movie. Why wouldn't he run beside them? Or behind them? He's obviously trying to ensure face-time in front of the camera. Boran is in the lead from the start. At one point, Samburu catches up, and rolls its boulder over Kimj and Kelly. They pretty much brush it off, which reinforces for me the likelihood that these are not real boulders. Even if they're not real, they're still exhausting to push, and the tribes look very tired. Samburu loses control of its boulder, and Peachy yells at them that they need to go through the course flags as if they intentionally rolled their boulder way off-course. Eventually, Silas ends up rolling Samburu's boulder by himself, while the others just try to keep up with him. He really is Superman! That is, until he loses the boulder and it goes rolling into the brush. Peachy yells again for the team to "stay in control." Brandon looks at Kimp and says, "Uh oh. That ain't good." Hee. Kimp claps for some reason. Boran wins, which isn't that suspenseful since they've been ahead the entire time. I was impressed by the fact that Samburu hustles to finish regardless of the fact that they've already lost. Boran celebrates; Tom dry heaves and then wet heaves. Peachy tells Boran that they'll have the water in camp by the morning. I'd be really irritated because I'd want that water now.
At Boran on Day 8, we see the big water jug has finally arrived. They all touch it an ooh and ahh at each other. They're excited not to have to worry about getting water anymore. I know it's exciting, and I'd rather them have it than Samburu have it, but how this is constituted as "surviving" is beyond me.
At Samburu, a sudden dust storm kicks up. We see the sudden dust storm. It looks like Random Ghost Town footage from an episode of Charmed or The Brady Bunch. We don't see anybody in the tents, but we hear Brandon's voice say, "I'm sure there are bugs all in that." I'm not sure what the point of that scene was, but then again I rarely am. Lindsey and Kimp check the treemail and unsuccessfully attempt to act their very cutest. The clue reveals that the tribes will each build a distress signal, and advises them, "Don't stop to gloat," which is obviously a desperate attempt to rhyme "you'll be facing the vote." Kimp tells us it's a "very unique, very different challenge." If you exclude the fact that they did exactly the same challenge in Pulau Tiga. We watch Silas and Frank orchestrate the building of their SOS signal using the "O" of their campsite, and adding brush to make each "S" around it. Lindsey says in a confessional that she wants an Oldskool person to fail at a competition so that they're aware of their weaknesses. We see members of Samburu working very hard to break and carry branches.
At Boran, they're having a fun time with the challenge. Happy music plays: la la la la la. Kelly wants her tribe members to lift her in the air so she can do a cheer. This girl sure likes the cheering. Kimj tells us that Boran can't afford to lose another member and be whittled down to only five people. She reveals that she brought acrylic paints as her luxury item, and that they should be useful in the challenge. She wants to make "bullet points" with them. Okay, someone has worked in an office for a little too long. Or else someone has been talking to Lex, the marketing manager. The tribe uses the paint to dye their mosquito nets, and make four brightly colored circles surrounding their SOS sign. Lex tells us the group thinks the paints will be the "secret ingredient that's gonna win this thing," and Tom's response is, "And I'm gonna have this feather in my ass!" He's also flapping his arms like a bird. I like watching Tom's animal imitations.
We see many shots of Lindsey working hard at Samburu, which would clue us in to the fact that something will happen to her, even if we hadn't seen it a billion times in the preview. Kimp tells us she was watching Lindsey work and noticed that she sat down; Kimp thinks that sitting down is not in Lindsey's personality. She tells us that Lindsey got "really sick, really fast" and that she had "severe pain in her kidneys." Is it possible to consciously experience pain in your kidneys? While groaning and writhing on the ground, Lindsey says she'd rather die than feel as bad as she does. She blames Frank, saying, "If we don't vote Frank outta here, I'm gonna kill myself." I'd be really embarrassed to be Lindsey watching my own little melodrama while this aired. Linda approaches Kimp and Lindsey and is told to go away before she can even start talking about the healing power of African tree spirit fairies. Linda tells us in a confessional that Lindsey is always talking about how strong she is: "I guess she's not so strong."
La la la la la. Boran. Kimj has stripped down to her thong and struts about camp. Thongs are a difficult thing, I think, and she looks amazing for a grandmother. Lex says, "Look at that -- fifty six years old and nothing but 100% woman. Wuh. Man!" Tom announces, "We got a black man with white tighties on; got a big fat man with a flag wavin'; we got two little skinny men with flags runnin' around; woman in her thong there; we got a young lady shakin' bacon up there," and "if that don't stop the plane, I wanna talk to the pilot." Okay, this may be one of my favorite Survivor quotes ever, excluding -- of course -- everything Rudy ever said. Kelly and Kimj then talk about how great the men on their team are, and at this point I kind of agree with them.
Suddenly we're on the plane with Peachy, who is accompanied by an experienced rescue pilot and jumpmaster. Their job is to determine which of the tribes' distress signals would be most visible in a real rescue scenario. The plane will drop a crate with the Immunity Idol in it over the camp of the winning tribe.
As the plane approaches Samburu, Frank attempts to rally the tribe, and Lindsey responds under her breath, "Oh, Frank, drop dead." She's not doing anything to help Samburu's efforts in the challenge. Frank is using some kind of mirror to catch the sun and cast light; the other members are running around with flags. The jumpmaster says their signal is a problem because it looks like every other community in the bush and thus might not be noticed as anything unusual. The plane then flies over Boran, and it's instantly obvious that their signal is superior even without the happy music playing. Their site has lots of colors; the lettering of the "SOS" is distinct and enclosed; and the tribe members are running around half-naked and with colorful towels. How could you miss that? All they need is a float and they could headline the PRIDE parade. The jumpmaster commends Boran on their use of color and terrain. The use of thongs and ass feathers? Not so much. Clarence, by the way, is visually stunning. As the crate drops over Boran, Samburu realizes that they lost and gets pouty about it. Linda says, "I believe in a lot of spirits out here, and I believe that our idol will not live in a home of conflict." Linda bugs the crap out of me. ["I agree with every fiber of my being." -- Wing Chun]
On Day 9, Lindsey feels better, but plans to spend her time resting in the shade. She tells us she was dehydrated and talks about her "sore kidneys." This ailment sounds like the equivalent of Nick's inflamed tastebud in the Outback. She tells us she'll be "cognizant," in the future, of her water intake. Silas tells us that Lindsey's injury was a victory for Oldskool. We then see Frank make his now-infamous comment that "Barbie went down in Africa." He tells us in a confessional, "I have no flexibility. If you're excess baggage, get the hell out of my way." Comments such as these are exactly the ticket to get picked for a reality show. Samburu packs up its belongings and heads off to Tribal Council. Kimp tells us they're so disjointed as a tribe they they're each thinking there won't be any harm in voting someone off.
Samburu gets to Tribal Council, and I feel like we see a lot less of Peachy in the third season, but maybe I'm just tuning him out. I feel like this show's been on forever, but Samburu hasn't even been to a Tribal Council yet -- they don't yet have their life-representing torches. Peachy asks how they've been getting along, and Playskool lies through their teeth -- which people like Carl, by the way, have helped make so even and white. Brandon says the experience "hasn't been that unpleasant." Lindsey thinks it's been great and that "everyone has been getting along really well." I can't respect that kind of blatant and dishonest ass-saving, particularly when it's so clearly going to be ineffective. Carl volunteers that Samburu has been having problems as a tribe, like a "water problem" and a "pot problem." It's those damn Gen X-ers again. He says they don't work as a team -- which isn't exactly the priority if you have a pot problem. Peachy then asks the other Samburus (my mother called them "Subarus" the other night) what they think of Carl's accusation that there's a different work ethic between Oldskool and Playskool. Except Carl didn't really say that, but he probably meant it, so I guess it's okay. Silas says that some of them do work harder than others, but that's the way it is, and "if you don't bend, you'll break." Peachy then points out the necklaces, acting like he just randomly noticed them and not like he's been just waiting for this dramatic scene. As he points at each member not wearing a necklace, he says, "No necklace, no necklace, no necklace, no necklace." Peachy is obsessed with the necklaces. Poor Peachy -- he wants one, too. It didn't occur to me that necklaces could have such a strong effect on people. I'll be sure to wear one the time I want to piss someone off. Peachy asks whether the necklaces are symbolic, and once again Playskool denies something ridiculous to deny and further loses my respect. That is, if they had any in the first place. After Kimp says the necklaces don't "disclude [sic]" the other members of the tribe, Carl cuts through Playskool's blustering about with an "absolutely." Playskool still insists that they're all friends with each other at Samburu, but Linda wants to know "where [her] necklace is." Brandon admits to feeling vulnerable, and Lindsey once again tries to convince people that she gets along with them. Frank fesses up that he's too aggressive sometimes and doesn't have "too much room for a friendly smile." Are you getting that vibe from Frank? Because I'm not.
And now, the vote: Lindsey votes for Carl. She thinks he's a great guy, but that he doesn't need the money. Frank votes for Lindsey because she doesn't carry her weight. They're using a special African Tribal Council Pen this week, and its lid is camouflaged by its zebra stripes. Linda votes for Lindsey and says, "I like this person. I think this person has a lot of potential. But one must remember that Mother Africa is a very spiritual place. The gods and goddesses are watching and listening." And laughing their asses off.
Peachy tallies the votes, and it's split four and four between Carl ("Dr. B.") and Lindsey. They're each given a chance to "plead [their] case" to the tribe. Carl says that from the first day, he's been like, "This is what you get." I have no idea why that would be incentive for others to want to keep him around, but anyway. He says that he's a "man of honor": he's worked hard, and he's a valuable asset. Lindsey says she's not the "most domestic person around" and she can't "cook mush yet" or even make a fire. She says she's good in the challenges, though, and then turns to Carl and says, "It's a game for money, and you don't need it." He actually looks respectful of this comment. Carl doesn't need the money now most likely because he worked hard when he was Lindsey's age in order to have financial stability later in life. Something about Carl's mannerisms lead me to believe he was not raised in the lap of luxury. More like in the lap of Livia Soprano.
Peachy tallies the votes once again and concludes that the tribe is still deadlocked. This has never happened on Survivor before -- a tie when neither of those tied has votes cast against them. The ultimate tiebreaker, it turns out, is a sudden-death quiz based on the Bush Survival Guide they each received before going on the show. The first question is whether smoke from burning elephant dung will keep mosquitoes at bay. Both Carl and Lindsey say it will, and they're both right. They are then asked whether fruit pulp from the dune palm can cure diarrhea, fever, worm infestation, or minor cuts and abrasions. They both guess incorrectly -- the answer is the yucky "worm infestation." The question asks whether the African Rock Python has been known to fully digest a gazelle. They both think it's false, but the answer is true. That seemed like an obvious question to me; those unbelievable questions are always true. Finally, Peachy asks whether pouring hot water on a tick will cause it to retract. Lindsey thinks it's true; Carl thinks it's false. After checking what he wrote down, Carl confirms that he got it wrong and apologizes to Oldskool for ruining their grand scheme to take over the world. As they leave the Tribal Council, Peachy snarks, "Obviously, you guys have some mending to do."
week on Survivor: Boran comes face to face to face to face to face to face to face with a water buffalo.
As the credits roll, we confirm that Samburu voted down Skool lines: Frank, Carl, Teresa, and Linda for Lindsey; and Silas, Kimp, Brandon, and Lindsey for Carl. Carl continues, in his exit interview, to rant about Generation X and says he feels bad for us...I mean, "them."