Last week on Survivor: the tribes merged at equal numbers and named themselves Barramundi because they're slippery when wet and because Rodger looks like Bruce Springsteen who lives door to Jon Bon Jovi at the Jersey shore. Keith won immunity and Jeff got chewed up and spit out after a deadlocked vote.
Peaceful music plays on Day 22. Colby sleeps in a hat with earflaps and his mouth wide open. Rodger and Alicia are up early. Rodger comments that it's a "sleeping bunch," and that Mike would have been up three hours before. He says every time he stokes the fire he thinks about "old Mike." Rodger then goes fishing and tells us that after the last Tribal Council he realized they'd been "outwitted" by Ogakor. He says, "We could be in an extinct tribe, no longer on the face of the earth." And as a metaphoric fish flops around he tells us, "I am in it to win just like anybody else," and that it's "one on one and every man for himself from here on out." He says he's going to try to keep catching fish because he doesn't think they'll vote off the person providing the food, as if that's a novel idea and not one Richard Hatch drilled into our heads repeatedly last season. As he catches another fish he hoots, "I love this fishin' hole!"
This episode seems stilted to me -- I have to get used to the new format, where we're not alternating between the two tribes.
Nick, hanging out on the beach, spots a crocodile and acts surprised. Maybe because it didn't roll off a log this time. Alicia tells us the game has definitely changed since the merge, and Nick tells Rodger that if he keeps catching the fish he'll be the last Kucha to go. We then cut to a shot of evil Jerri cackling, but it doesn't really look like she's in the same scene with them. Alicia tells us that Ogakor's in a good position to be in the last five, but since Kucha members will be the majority of the jury, they'd better "start steppin' up and bein' real nice to us." I guess fatalism is catching. Keith tells Rodger that he feels, when they're fishing together, like he's on a fishing trip with his older brother. Aw. If Rodger makes the final two, he's walking away with all nine of the jury votes. Plus, my vote and the billion other people who watch this show, except for the two forum posters who don't like him. I've got my eye on you two, by the way. Rodger tells us that everybody is "real nice," but he knows they're all plotting to win the million. Meanwhile Colby and Lamber play backgammon and Lamber says, "We are exactly where we wanna be," which means up Jerri's ass. Colby agrees that Ogakor "outplayed" Kucha, but the game's not over yet. Lamber says she feels like pressure has lifted and Colby agrees. Lamber then says "Jeez" over something backgammon-related.
In a confessional Keith tells us Ogakor played as a team that "stayed out a vision," and that if Kucha knows what Ogakor is doing they are "really good nice people." I want to know how Keith thinks Kucha should be acting if they know. Keith then says he's realized that he'd rather play on a team with some of the Kucha members than with some of the Ogakors. Duh. While they're fishing together we see Rodger tell Keith, "I'd say somebody in your old group is going to be a millionaire." And Keith pauses for a long time and tells Rodger not to count himself out yet. Keith tells us that he and Tina made the decision to be with people they really like at the end. We then cut to a shot of Elisabeth telling Tina that Rodger "has [her] heart" and that she loves him. I do too. Tina agrees, "He's a good one." I think so too. Tina then tells us in a confessional that there are people that are more deserving on the other team. I concur. She wants the contest to be "on a individual basis" and she wants the "good guys to win." Makes good sense to me. We all know what this is leading up to, right? Absolutely nothing. As much as I enjoy being hit over the head repeatedly with a fishing pole, I will not let Mark Burnett toy with my or your emotions. We then cut to a shot of evil Jerri pounding a stick into the ground. In her evil whispery voice she says she feels a lot of distance between herself and the former Ogakors. She tells us, "It's the paranoia again setting in," and takes a giant step in admitting the first of her multiple psychoses. She says she cannot be complacent and that "[your] back will be stabbed faster than [you] can spit." As Jerri talks about paranoia we continue to see her hacking away at Keith's head -- I mean, the post.
It's dusk at Barramundi and Tina tells us that there has always been a problem with the cooking of the rice. She says it "has to be cooked to Jerri's specifications," and that if it's imperfect "you catch it." I bet lots of things can be caught from Jerri. The tribe talks a bit about spices, including "parmesan pizza" which sounds like a strange spice to me. Alicia volunteers that the "lemon pepper is not great in the rice." Elisabeth tells us that as she stirred the rice, Jerri and Lamber watched her every move. We then see a shot of Jerri giving her evil glare of death-to-bad-ricemakers to Elisabeth. Lamber starts warning Elisabeth to be careful and is backseat cooking all over the place. Elisabeth is frustrated and tells us, "Jerri's over on her log" complaining that it's mushy. We then see Jerri saying it's "like potatoes," and Elisabeth says, "I know you don't like mushy. But it's mushy. And it will be mushy all over you if you don't shut your stinkin' piehole" except without that last sentence. Elisabeth tells us in a confessional that she feels like she's under a magnifying glass and announces, "Don't tell me what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm making you dinner. Don't!" Tina says that Jerri's comments hurt Elisabeth's feelings. We then see a peeved Tina cat to the group that, "I try to stay away from cooking so I don't have to be judged." Jerri cackles and then realizes Tina's talking about her. If my Rodger can't win, Tina, all soccer mom 'tude, is looking like a contender. Elisabeth tells us she's found some cracks in Ogakor and that there's "definite dissension" between Jerri and Tina. Back over dinner, one of the Kucha women announces that Rodger would like to say a blessing because I guess he can't just come right out and say it himself. Tina sounds out, sounding it out a bit like Corky from Life Goes On, "That's a good idea." Smoke starts coming out of Jerri's orifices while Rodger prays. Sadly, it's a short prayer so she doesn't turn into a pile of ashes. Elisabeth says that she's become aware that Ogakor is divided and that she's started to feel like she can lead Kucha to victory over Ogakor by being "a little more ruthless."
It's Day 23 at Barramundi, and Kucha is up at the crack of down while lazy Ogakor sleeps. Rodger says they're "settin' ducks now," and Alicia adds that it's not fun anymore. Seriously, they probably feel like morons after last week, and most likely Alicia is particularly upset to have lost her strongest ally in Jeff. Elisabeth says in a confessional that she'd "love to light a fire under everyone." But not literally, like Jerri. In this particular confessional, she's posed quite fetchingly in her little bandeau top. She tells the others that it makes her sick and that she's not going to just sit there and be picked off. She then spunks, "If no one else wants to keep playing I'll do whatever it takes!" Elisabeth tells Rodger and Alicia that she thinks there's a crack in the tribe already and that they should "pay attention" to Jerri and Tina. At which point Rodger jumps in and says, "You think it's gonna be the women versus the men?" Elisabeth then repeats, "Pay attention," again and at first I thought she was admonishing Rodger for being so out of it but then I realized she was just repeating herself for the slower folks in the tribe. Alicia adds that "Jerri does not love Keith," which is an interesting way of putting it. Elisabeth tells the others that she "honestly think[s]" Jerri is going to get votes from her own tribe. Alicia then says, "I'll tell you what. She definitely has the hots for Colby and he does not. At all. He just could not care less." Hee. Elisabeth says she's going to approach Keith and Tina and try to get them to "come with us." Rodger Gump says, "Whatever happens will be fun," and that Ogakor and Kucha are like peas and carrots. Alicia tells us in a confessional that although Elisabeth appears to be "meek and mild," she is a "serious competitor" and a "force to be reckoned with." We then see Rodger and Alicia watching with their plotty faces as Elisabeth chats up Tina and Keith.
As we see a shot of Elisabeth and Tina bonding by the river bank, Elisabeth grinningly tells us that she and Tina have become "close, Outback close," and that "Outback close is close enough to let you advance ahead of the person you're trying to get close to," and that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Elisabeth bitches to Tina about Jerri and says, "I don't know how you dealt with her that long in your tribe?" as her voice escalates into a frustrated whine. Tina calls Elisabeth "sister" and says that Jerri "will get hers" and that "it's coming." Elisabeth tells us that Tina and Keith are trying to get votes for Jerri. She then says, "I don't know if I'm just a dumb optimist or just in denial but I think Jerri is ready to go." We then see a shot of the Long-Nosed Jerricoot. Elisabeth, both dumb optimist and in denial, is very giggly and excited about her ill-fated plan.
Rodger and Tina check for a clue and Tina's excited that it's "colorful mail." They receive two brightly painted boomerangs with clues written on them. Ding! Ding! Ding! Finally, someone has come up with a challenge that actually has something to do with the locale and doesn't have the competitors playing Kick the Can or Hula Hooping. The clue is about "catch[ing] the return" and suggests that breakfast is the reward. Rodger tells the others that his momma always said they'd have to throw it and catch it "without gettin' hooked in the teeth." The S9 snicker and look disbelieving as they determine they're supposed to compete in a challenge that might actually require a useful skill-set. But we should all know by now that the clue has actual little to do with the challenge.
There's a big bulls-eye on the beach, but it doesn't much resemble the Target symbol. Peachy stands before the survivors with his legs spread, and tells them the challenge is "Boomerang Toss." Each of the S9 will stand in the center of the circle and whoever's boomerang comes closest to the red flag, which is also in the center of the circle, wins the award. He has Jerri read what they're playing for -- a menu -- which includes shrimp, chickens, rolls and "dessert du jour." She yells, "It's a full meal!" I'm pretty sure they got to practice before their first throw since all of the S9 manage to make their boomerangs arc and my family used to have a boomerang, and we could never figure out how to throw the damn thing properly. Then again, ours was made of wood while these appear to be plastic. Alicia goes first looking very buff and tough. Her boomerang doesn't land anywhere near the bulls-eye, and for some reason Peachy announces that it's going to be "hard to beat." Colby's boomerang almost hits Keith. No one really has a notable throw until Jerri, whose boomerang lands on the edge of the second innermost ring. She immediately falls on her knees and starts chanting, "All your base are belong to us," as Satan exits her body. After all, the boomerang is the Devil's toy. She then starts rubbing the imminent victory in to her tribe members, saying she's excited to get "supper." Maybe Alonzo Wilder will stop by and join her, and Pa will tell them about the time Grandpa got whipped for sledding on the Sabbath. Peachy announces that it's "Southpaw time" when Nick approaches the circle. I knew I liked him for a reason. His throw is good, but it doesn't beat Jerri's. Rodger's throw is close and actually comes back through his legs; he has to dance around a bit to avoid being hit and says, "I could run like the wind blows!" before determining that it's "close but no supper." My friends will vouch for me on this one: as Lamber approached the circle and stared at the flag, as if that was going to help her, I totally called that her throw would land an inch behind Jerri's. And that's exactly what it does. Even Lamber's boomerang doesn't have a mind of its own. Lamber just stands there blandly and looks back at Peachy, hoping he'll declare Jerri the winner because Lamber has no idea what to do if she can't tag after someone else.
Peachy measures the distances and determines that Jerri's throw is ahead. Lamber turns around, points at Jerri, and drones, "Jerri is the winner." Peachy points out that it's ironic that Jerri read the menu, and wants to know if anything on there excited her and she says, "Every last thing on there. Yea!" with her most nasty, squinty-faced, Long-nosed Jerricoot expression. Jerri says the victory is bittersweet and the others tell her she's full of it. As she walks away still trying to look sad, Peachy lets Jerri pick someone to accompany her to dinner. Jerri asks the tribe who is really hungry, which is kind of lame, and Peachy tells her, "It's on you." Jerri picks Lamber because, she says, Lamber was closest and because she "scared my pants!" Whatever that means. Lamber then performs and unconvincing "Who, me?" routine. As they tromp off to their handsome reward, Jerri says she feels like she won the Miss America pageant.
The food is set up in a tent, and Jerri and Lamber hold hands as they approach it. Peachy tells them which seat to sit in. They're most excited about the rolls. Jerri says, "Can this really be real?" in an exasperating, pseudo-sophisticated voice. Elegant violin music plays in the background and Lamber does her infamous "Ahhh Maaa Gaaad" over a glass of iced tea. Jerri doesn't care that her fingernails are "completely dirty" and digs into her food. Peachy asks them what's going on at Barramundi and Jerri says they're eating rice again but that it's okay because they get "two extra helpings." Oh that Jerri -- always thinking of others.
Meanwhile at camp, the Barramundi tribe sits around and talks about Jerri and Lamber behind their backs. Hee. Alicia calls out Lamber on her silly response to Jerri's picking her and then compares her to a beauty queen. What's with all the beauty queen references? Elisabeth tells us the bitchfest was the first time they felt like a tribe, and they felt like they'd won the prize instead of Jerri. Keith tells the group he's cooked for two Presidents and "all kinds of bigwigs" and that he's never been stressed until the last few days, and over rice of all things! They grill some canned spaghetti that looks like a mess of worms. Elisabeth gives Tina her share and says she likes seeing Tina enjoy it.
Back in the Tent of Despair and Destruction, Lamber says that Tina has been extra chipper since the merge, and that she's been "talking in a different voice." And then Lamber does a pathetic imitation of Tina's voice that is not in the least bit funny. Jerri says they have to keep their eyes on Tina and that she's going to backstab them. Lamber "totally" agrees. Lamber then says that "it's a completely different game" and that playing for yourself is harder. As if she'd know. They then toast to making it to the end together.
Lamber and Jerri return to camp and everyone ignores them. Instead of bringing the tribe back some food, they bring boomerangs. They can buy those for themselves at the airport gift shop! Lamber tells us in a confessional that no one "even turned around to look at [them]" and that she didn't like it. Because she's used to being looked at. Tina asks what kind of dessert they had and Lamber won't say in an ill-guided attempt to not piss the others off. I'd be pissed if someone couldn't trust me to hear what they had for dessert without getting made over it. Tina snarks, "We had a great time. Don't you feel bad at all." Tina, with all the dissing this episode!
Jerri follows Colby down to the beach and expresses her concern that Tina and Keith will gather Kuchas and come after their alliance. Jerri says, "It's not good for us to just assume that we can trust her." In what I think is a very old confessional, Jerri says that Colby is middle ground and that he's not letting on what his plans are. Jerri then whisperingly suggests that Colby lead Keith and Tina to believe that they and Colby will be the final three. Colby tells her that Keith and Tina have thought that since before the merge and that it's been his "bargaining chip." In a confessional, he tells us that Jerri thinks it's just a ploy, but that he really is planning to get to the final three with Keith and Tina. We then see Colby reassure Jerri that they "still have complete control of this thing." Colby then tells us in a confessional that Jerri doesn't "deserve to win this thing" solely because of how badly she treats other people. As Jerri learned at that morning's challenge, what goes around comes around. Suddenly Lamber appears out of nowhere, and it's difficult to tell if she's been there the whole time and was typically silent, or if she just tracked the others down. The three keep looking nervously over their shoulders. Lamber makes Colby hug her and Colby grabs her "tummy" and asks if it's full. Jerri gets jealous and wants her tummy grabbed too. Colby hugs her but holds his breath and crosses his fingers behind his back. Jerri then tells us she no longer feels vulnerable as a result of their conversation.
The day, Nick and Alicia fetch the clue. They nicely wait to open it until they are with the others. These Kuchas are just too nice. The clue is written on little tiles and is about "planning ahead" and "keep[ing] others out," followed by the painful statement that "it's hip to be square if immunity is what you need." In an Apu voice, Nick says, "What can it be?" Wait -- did the editors just allow Nick to exhibit some small indication of a personality? It can't be! The S9 take guesses about what the puzzle means and Alicia says, "Whatever you think it is, think it's something else." Jerri tells us that Alicia is the strongest person in the game, and that the men are sweating it big time. She says Alicia is probably aware of this and that she'll want immunity. Rodger hugs Alicia and calls her "kiddo" and tells her to do her best. I bet Rodger gives the best hugs.
Arriving at the challenge, Peachy announces that it is "all about how you think." I won't waste much of your time except to say it's a giant game of DOTS. It's so lame I don't even want to describe it. They have no aerial view, so it must be pretty hard. Except that Peachy tells them if they've missed a square. I do think this challenge probably took hours, and I wish they'd tell us that -- it makes it more interesting. After the S9 take several turns, Lamber gets the first box. Elisabeth announces, "You can all thank me later. Nick, you can thank me now" as she hooks Nick up with a square. Colby tells Rodger to "help a brother out," and Peachy says snidely, "Now you're brothers." Colby leaves Jerri with six squares. We had some debate in our Survivor-watching group about whether he could have left her more and chose to leave her less. Jerri leaves Keith with seventeen boxes and demands a massage. Keith doesn't say, "Not on your life, Satan spawn." Lamber goes in her stylish little hipster pants and asks Peachy if she got them all, and he actually answers that she has, so she finishes with ten. Where's the skill in that? Tina is irritated that Lamber has taken so long -- she goes and gets a bunch too, but not as many as Keith. At this point it's "mathematically impossible" for Keith to be beat and so he wins immunity two weeks in a row. He didn't have to beg for this one, though.
Back at camp the tribe makes rice and then lightening strikes. Elisabeth rubs off something on her hand on Colby. Keith says that "mysteriously" there's always a rainstorm when they go to Tribal Council. Alicia tells us at this point that Elisabeth is naive in thinking that Jerri will be voted off because it would be foolish if Ogakor turned on Jerri before the tribe was secure. She says she thinks she or Nick will be leaving tonight. Elisabeth then says she thinks Jerri is a goner, and that she's not ready to go home or see her friends go home. This is a clip from an earlier interview, though. She may be ready by now.
Suddenly we're at Stonehenge -- I mean Tribal Council. Peachy's sopping wet; he's the only one not in raingear. He asks if the merge has been an "interesting dynamic," and Elisabeth says that the "differences are known" and that there's been "learning and compromise," and she basically doesn't make all that much sense but looks cute and earnest saying it. Peachy asks Lamber how Barramundi responded when she and Jerri came back with "little bellies," and she says she felt guilty and like an outsider. Peachy asks the others what camp was like without Lamber and Jerri, and Alicia diplomatically says it was "interesting" and "quieter" and "contemplative" and "all good." Peachy explains that the person voted out tonight won't go home, but will instead join the jury and thus have a role in how the game plays out. He then announces that they each have a one in nine shot of making it to the end, as if they haven't given any thought to that yet.
And then they vote: Elisabeth votes for Jerri and says it's "bumming [her] out a little" that Jerri gets cranky when she's hungry. Lamber draws a he-woman as she votes for Alicia because she's "strong inside and out." She claims it's a "respect vote." Rodger says Jerri's a "nice kid, but way too loud," and that she fit in the camp like one of those round pegs. Jerri votes for Alicia and again says the men are "scared to death" of her. Jerri is obsessed with what the men think of Alicia. That's all we see of the vote. Jerri gets the first vote, but really, we already know she's not going anywhere except straight to hell. When Alicia sees Lamber's he-woman, she laughs good-naturedly about it and asks, "Who did that?" It's a 4-4 vote between Jerri and Alicia, and Alicia's name is called. Jerri grins. As Alicia leaves she tells the others to "be safe" and says she'll see them in three days. Alicia is an extremely gracious loser as her team members stand and hug her to say goodbye. It's hard to disrespect this team, which so clearly respects each other.
week on Survivor: never before seen footage! The wildest moments! You won't believe what you'll see -- the same old clips played over and over and over again!
In her final words, Alicia tells us that she expected to leave and that she hopes someone from Kucha "can take this thing out." She says "it's all good" and "peace" and "out." And Ogakor can now vote Jerri out without jeopardizing their status, improving the quality of life for television-watchers everywhere.