Last week on Survivor: Alicia and her abdomen were sent packing.
This week on Survivor, we have clips you've never seen before! Unless you saw them before. When they aired the first time. We also have clips you won't believe! Unless you believe them because you already saw them. When they aired the first time. And here we have highlights which we've all obviously seen before, because why would they save real highlights for a last-minute "special" clips-show ratings grab? In any case, with all these never-before-seen clips and unbelievable clips and highlight clips, I won't be bothering to recap as usual. Because, although the Survivor editors love to repeat themselves, I don't. If you want to know what happened in the first eight episodes, go back and read the recaps. If you want to know about the never-before-seen clips and the entirely believable unbelievable clips included in this "special," read on.
The first new clip we see is in the pre-credit introduction: Jerri warbling, "I've been a bad, bad girl." I won't say much about that now, since we'll see it again later. They even find a way to beat the new clips into the ground.
There's nothing unbelievable here, and there's nothing never-before-seen, either, in the first ten minutes of the show. Nor, to my estimation, is there anything worthy of being called a highlight. All this sequence does, repeating everything we saw the first week about the separating of the tribes and the new camp, is remind me how little I miss Debb.
But brace yourselves -- because there's a fresh clip on the unnaturally racing horizon. We see lots of never-before-seen and unbelievable shots of Colby snoring while various Ogakor members toss and turn in discomfort. Jerri is wide-awake because Satan doesn't need sleep. Keith, Mad Dog, and someone unidentifiable huddle together and look distraught. Mad Dog asks if anybody has gotten any sleep, and Keith answers, "Colby." Hee. Keith then jokes that they've added a new sound to the Outback and that "all these critters are goin', 'What the hell is that animal?'" We get more never-before-seen clips of Ogakor discussing Colby's snoring and looking disbelieving about it. After all, it isunbelievable. Suddenly Colby appears outside the tent with the others. Did they wake him up? We'll never know. Colby is surprised that he snores, and says that it might explain why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Jerri responds, "I hate to say it but you're probably right." And we all know she's ready and willing to help him out with that.
And right on top of the amazing revelation that Colby snores we get -- suspend your disbelief here -- some more new clips! Mitchell, who I'm also reminded how little I miss, tells us he's waiting for "Kelly to pull his stuff together." When Mitchell voted for Kel, he wrote down "Kelly." At the time I thought he was mocking his teammate, but that credits Mitchell with having a personality. In any case, I find out here that either "Kelly" is Kel's nickname, or Mitchell really believes it's Kel's name. Anyway, Mitchell is annoyed to be waiting for "Kelly." I'm annoyed to be watching Mitchell waiting for Kelly. Mitchell says Kel might "tell [him] some things that might be useful to any strategies [they] have planned." He then tells us that if they're going to vote anybody off at this point, it will be "Kelly." Sadly, we have no way of knowing at what point this is. While they're out fishing together, Mitchell probes Kel for information about whether he's heard of any allegiances among Ogakor members. Kel asks Mitchell if he doesn't think it's too early for that. Mitchell fumbles with his answer and Kel points out that obviously Mitchell has thought about alliances since he asked the question in the first place. Mitchell gets increasingly defensive and says, "We're gonna have to," while looking guilty. I'd like to play poker with Mitchell. Well, actually, I wouldn't like to play poker with Mitchell. But I would like to play poker with someone with a personality with so poor a poker face as Mitchell. In a confessional, Kel self-righteously tells us, "You don't ever learn anything through talking," and says that he's listening to the others instead. We then see Kel ask Mitchell whom he thinks is the weakest, and Mitchell says Maralyn. He then adds that he may just vote the strongest person off. As much as it pains me to do so, I have to give Mitchell some credit for not lying to Kel' face.
Amidst some before-seen fire-making clips, Kimmi informs us that, "You just can't say to people, 'You're a jerk-off. Shut up.'" I don't think we heard this in the first episode, and I don't feel like checking my tapes to be certain. It doesn't hurt to hear it twice because it's funny. Jerri invokes the devil with more bongo beating. I never though I'd have to see that again. Then there's all this before-seen fire-making stuff followed by some before-seen challenge clips. We do learn that after Ogakor won, they went back to camp and busted open a can of food. They're already opening cans on the second day? Keith planned to make vegetable paella until Jerri shat on all his chef dreams. There's some new shots of tribe members sitting around complaining about how much the rice sucks and Jerri laughing about it. I'm so glad I got to see those clips -- they've altered my entire Survivor experience. Colby then says the rice went over "like a piglet in a punchbowl," which is my new favorite expression.
As Kucha endures its first Tribal Council, some new voting comments are revealed. I wish they would just show us all the voting clips since it's after the fact now and wouldn't matter. But obviously that's asking too much. While voting off Debb, Alicia says that she's difficult to deal with in a group situation because she's "very set in her ways" and she "doesn't like to be second guessed." Who does? Second guess Alicia and she'll promise to always wave her finger in your face. When Nick votes he says that Rodger would be the smarter move, but that Debb is an outsider among the tribe, and that that's just as important. I'm with Nick on that one. We've already heard Kimmi say that Debb's just not what she needs. But it's worth repeating. So it's bye-bye Debb, and see you at the reunion! (But hopefully not before that, and then, hopefully, never again.)
After a few before-seen clips about Rodger's inability to swim and the cliff challenge, we -- surprise of all surprises -- get some more new stuff. At the Kucha camp, Rodger tells the others, "For five quarts o' beans, I'd have jumped off there again...I think." He then says that after they lost the "award challenge" they found rapids near their camp. Alicia tells us they're really excited about their "Kucha jacuzzi." Except she could have said, "Kuchacuzzi," which would have been more clever. As the cheerful Caribbean music starts tinkering, Elisabeth tells us that "all the workaholics in [their] group relaxed." While the Kucha young'uns frolic around and act like they're Pagong, Kimmi yells for Rodger to join them. As he wades in, he says the water is cold and looks very uncomfortable. I know that if I couldn't swim, laying in rapids wouldn't be very pleasurable, but he makes a go of it. Alicia grabs his upper thigh; I don't think it is any kind of sexual advance on her part. Kimmi tells us in a confessional that Kentucky Joe proved himself by jumping and that it was "a greater triumph than two blankets." Rodger then starts a-hootin' and a-hollerin' that he's "losin' [his] trunks!" Mike yells, "Who woulda thought Rodger would've been the first one naked?" In a confessional Mike then tells us that there's a fine line between being "a physical weak link and, uh, one of the strongest moral builders." He says everyone gathers around Rodger as a father figure and that he's trying to figure out how important that is to his own survival. We then see Rodger gump that he could sleep out in the waterfall, followed by a confessional in which he tells us that he's been playing along with the Kentucky Joe / farm boy / school teacher / dirt boy persona. Except he probably doesn't say "dirt boy;" it just sounds like he does. Rodger tells us he thinks he needs to interact more with the others and that he's "here for the duration if that works out."
On Day 5, Peachy tells us, "A storm brewed at Ogakor in the form of a blue bikini." And then we go through the Keith cooking incident. And the beef jerky debacle. It's all the same quotes, and all the same comments. Lamber, Jerri, and Tina still rifle through his bag; Keith still apologizes for no good reason; and Jerri still refuses to say she's sorry when Maralyn suggests that she should. But -- new clip alert! New clip alert! Kel tells us in a confessional that he learned on a fishing trip with Keith and Tina that his teammates went through his bag in search of the "magical beef jerky." Kel is upset that no one personally approached him about the problem. Although I believe he's innocent of the beef jerky crime, he's awfully defensive, which makes him seem guilty. I guess I'd be pretty defensive if I was accused of smuggling beef jerky on national television. Kel says he couldn't have carried the beef jerky in his pack the entire time, or had beef jerky after he was swimming. Maralyn's wearing what I think is a nicotine-patch on her arm. Those advertisers will do anything. Keith then lectures to Kel about getting along with people and says he's already had his own "stress points" with Jerri. He keeps saying "cohabitat" instead of "cohabitate." Hee. Kel says the others "have to understand that, you know, I'm a captain in the U.S. Army." He's upset that his integrity has been challenged over beef jerky. He then asks Keith if he can finish when Keith attempts to interject -- lashing out at your only potential allies doesn't quite seem the way of diplomacy. Kel then calls himself "simple" and says he's not "the life of the party." He suggests that the others don't like him because he's not as talkative as they are. He keeps calling Keith and Tina and the rest of Ogakor "you guys," which is one of my pet peeves. Maralyn then says that the others got caught up in "the beef jerky frenzy." She says he was incredibly controlled about the incident and that, "Had it been me...hey, I probably woulda torn the whole camp down!" She growls that more so than actually saying it. If it weren't for the terrible Ogakor team, we'd still be getting comments like this every week. Maralyn tells Kel that he is a valuable member of the tribe and Keith enthusiastically agrees. Maralyn tells Kel that they don't want this situation to "rub him the wrong way." But how will a unanimous vote against him rub? Kel then calls himself captain again. Do you think Kel's a captain in the U.S. Army? Because I haven't quite gotten that. He wants to know why the others think he'd ruin his career AS A CAPTAIN over a piece of beef jerky.
Kel then tells us in a confessional that either the others don't like him or they want to sabotage his character. Or maybe it's because he got caught sneaking off to masturbate in some bushes. In any case, Kel's done a pretty decent job of sabotaging his own character with his excessive self-aggrandizement, apparently, on the talk show circuit. He tells us he won't bring up the issue again because he's more interested in developing a solid team. But we know he won't have the chance to bring up the issue again.
It's Day 6 and that means it's time to see Kimmi's black, mangrove-worm-crud-covered tongue again! Both seasons of Survivor have featured cast members with exceptionally long (and forked, in one case) tongues. Just something to think about. Tina's inability to eat bugs sends Ogakor to Tribal Council where Peachy summarizes that Kel couldn't "overcome the stigma of being the loner, and accused beef jerky smuggler." Hee. We again see some votes we didn't see last time: Jerri tells Kel, "You made it too easy to cast this vote too early in the game." Tina says she's sure he's a good "military person," but that he made the least effort to fit in. Colby votes and says, "Thanks for playing. We have some nice parting gifts for ya." As I said before: hee.
Oh no! My ears! My eyes! My soul! With absolutely no warning at all, night-vision Jerri is suddenly shown attempting to sing "Criminal" by Fiona Apple. Lamber covers her eyes; Mitchell looks starstruck, but why isn't he singing too? Keith just looks perplexed. They all clap when she finishes and Tina says, "Fiona Apple's hard to sing!" and since no one says it was good, that's just a polite way of saying she sucked. I do agree, in any case, that it's a tune best saved for the shower and not for national television.
It's now time for a never-before-seen and completely useless clip. It's Day 7. Michael pokes around in the Kucha fire as the Kuchas cutely spoon in their sleep. Mike talks about bringing in fish for his team. I'm so glad I saw that because it explains so very much.
On Day 8 it's backstabbing time at Ogakor. I'm sure it's painful for Mad Dog to relive and since there's a chance she's out there somewhere reading this recap, I won't put her through it again. I still want to know what promise Tina made that was worth betraying someone who called her a constellation. New votes this time around include Mitchell saying, "It kills me to do this to you, but it's difficult to watch you get all scraped up in those challenges," and Jerri proclaiming that "fireside concerts" won't be the same without her. Colby tells Maralyn the last nine days had taken their physical and emotional toll, and then Maralyn heads home to the company of people who actually respect, admire, and appreciate her.
Now we learn what Ogakor members said when Mitchell got voted off. Colby told Mitchell, "Man, you know this is nothing personal. But I'm here to win. And also, you make me look short." Except without the short part. Keith graciously says, "When I get to New York, I'm buying the champagne for dinner, buddy," which is much nicer than Mitchell telling Keith he caused tension. Jerri votes for Keith and says, "Two days ago this would have been much easier than it is right now. I'm very glad we buried the hatchet." Snivel, snivel, Snitchell goes home to write a song about it. Peachy reminds me how much I miss the days when Ogakor was in "a downward spiral."
Remember the travois challenge when Colby muscled off all irritably because of Jerri's bad attitude? We now learn that Jerri and Lamber sat around and tried to figure out if and why he was angry. Lamber says she thinks she might have said something to offend him, but since she never says anything original at all, that she must have gotten the tone wrong again. Jerri explains, "Dudes are weird." Lamber says Colby is stressed and Jerri says he shouldn't be stressed and that she wants him to feel better. I can't imagine more useful, never-before-seen, and unbelievable information packed into so short a clip. I can die a happy and fulfilled woman having seen this.
I enjoy seeing Alicia's "I will always wave my finger in your face" performance again. I might go so far as to call that moment an actual highlight.
Peachy tells us that Ogakor made a "sterling comeback" after finding their way out of a maze. It's Kimmi's time to go home and Nick says, "This could be a nasty game, but you have to play with class." Is he suggesting that Kimmi has no class? Now that's unbelievable! Or not. Jeff says, "You're a great girl and I look forward to the banana split on the other side with you." Peachy tells us that Kimmi "took the fall" for the lack of harmony at Kucha.
Suddenly it's pre-merger time and if I hear "pick them off" or "pick us off" one more time I think I'll have a credible legal defense for whatever random criminal act I commit. As Mike falls into the fire, there's nothing new to see here folks, so move along.
It's Day 19 -- merge day. We learn that Jeff was irritated because Keith wanted to cook for them when the Ogakor men visited the Kucha camp. I think Jeff would have been more irritated had Keith -- the famous chef -- arrived at their camp and refused to cook. Jeff seems irritated that Keith's luxury item was a paella pan, and says that Alicia would have been very annoyed by Keith's behavior. Jeff seems to project his emotions onto Alicia. Back at Ogakor, Tina enunciates the word "pistachios" much the same way she says "Dureet Toes." Everyone agrees they like Camp Kucha; it doesn't matter any more now than it did the first time we saw it. They move to their new camp, toast each other, and chew. I didn't like the close-up chewing shots the first time.
When Barramundi votes for the first time as a tribe, we see that Jerri said, "We learned early on in the game that you had one vote against you previously," as she voted for Jeff. After two tiebreakers lead to Jeff's departure, Peachy says that Debb's vote for Jeff "came back to haunt him." Better Debb's vote than Debb herself.
The rest of the episode was barely exciting the first time we saw it. We do learn that, as Keith voted against Alicia during the second Barramundi challenge, he said, "This is just strictly part of the game and it's part of our process." The use of the word "process" suggests to me that the Ogakor alliance isn't breaking up any time soon, at least not by an act of Keith. After explaining that the ejected Alicia will return as the first member of the jury, Peachy tries to get us excited by claming that, "Old tribal loyalties are now less important than the good will of this new jury." Even so, prepare yourselves to bid adieu to Nick, Elisabeth, and Rodger in the upcoming weeks, and for the scathing (and in one case tear-filled) recaps that will follow.
week on Survivor: it's all new! Whew! Because I couldn't sit through another one of these clips shows.
During the credits, we see an isolated funny moment, like they do on Bunim-Murray shows. While Jeff watches, Kimmi and Alicia chase something in the water with a little bucket and scream to, "Get it! Get it! You got it! You got it!" They catch a prawn but I think they say frog and get all grossed out. And then I realize they said prawn but it's a moot point because whatever they caught gets away.