Last week on Survivor, Michael made a Pigkiller and Jerri was a sucker for Cowboy. Mad Dog got booted off, which nearly made Joanna do some booting of her own.
At Ogakor Day 10, Tina tells us she and Keith were going to "git up" and go fishing, but just as they were getting ready to set out in the canoe, Jerri "popped up" and acted like she was taking the boat. In the accompanying clip, we see that Mitchell accompanies Jerri, as does Lamber, but they're not worthy of a mention, since the two of them combined don't add up to one personality. Jerri, half-asleep, appears to be just as calculating as ever. Tina and Keith let Jerri take the boat, since fishing was just a ploy for the two to have a private conversation. As Jerri and her winged monkeys take to the river, an ominous fog rolls in. And if you look very closely at the top far right corner of the screen, you can just make out Mark Burnett loading up the dry ice into the steam machine. No, really. Look again.
During their walk, Keith tells us that Tina and he learned their standings within the tribe at the night's Tribal Council, when Jerri named Mitchell, Lamber, and Cowboy as her friends. Which totally reminds me of these running lists I keep of my best friends and their rankings. Oh, wait -- I was in kindergarten then. My sister kept a similar list of which bus number every kid in her class was assigned to. Oh, the exciting dinner conversations around the Hughes family table. Keith tells us that Tina and he were "mifted" [sic] by Jerri's announcement. Tina then tells us that it's second nature for young people to gravitate toward each other, and she makes a strange "whoop!" sort of noise to better demonstrate the meaning of "gravitation" for her relatives back home. She tells us that it makes her feel like an outsider, and that sheis an outsider at this point.
The camera then cuts to a shot of evil Jerri in her evil little cap saying, "It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud," and we have no idea what the subject matter is, but since it's Jerri, we can safely assume we've interrupted a conversation about terminally ill babies or homeless people or something equally tragic. And then she cackles. In an interview, Jerri tells that she immediately "sucked [her comment] back up" when she realized she was "challenging people to vote for [her]." The Blair Keith tells us that Jerri is perfect for the game, and that she will "ride the team until it's time to take the knife out and cut someone's throat." We then cut over to Jerri in the boat saying, "That was good stuff," and I guess we're supposed to think this is her response to throat-cutting -- and I'm not saying it wouldn't be, but most likely it's out of context here. We're all so very surprised. Keith gets his bitch on to Tina and says, "I didn't come up here to be pushed around by a bartender wannabe actress. Maybe it's time just to shake her world up just a little bit." We then cut back to the boat, and to a shot of a fish on the line whose world is being shaken up just a little bit. In the boat, Jerri makes a slack-jawed yokel face. So Mitchell is rubbing off. Keith tells us, "I came here to win the money, but now my motive isn't to win the money, but to do everything I can to make sure she does not win the money." That, my friends, should be the mission of us all. It's a battle cry, people. A call to arms for all the Jerri-haters of the world. We then see Keith reeling in and stabbing a fish, while Jerri looks pissed off in the fishing boat because I just called her a yokel.
Over at the Tribe with Heart, Alicia and Rodger check for a clue and find a chicken egg. Alicia says, "Wow! What is it?" and I think at first her curiosity is about something else, but when they arrive back at camp, mysterious egg booty in tow, Alicia yells, "You guys are not gonna believe this one," so maybe they don't have eggs where Alicia comes from...in New York City. The clue tells them that, "for a change of the menu," they need to build a pen. In an interview, Rodger tells us exactly what happened in the clip. Kucha seems to think that the challenge is to build their egg a chicken coop so it doesn't eggscape. I know I should, but I can't resist a good pun. Or even a bad one. Kimmi tells us that she needs to work at the challenge, because she knows "her head's on the chopping block." There's lots of heads on the chopping block this week at Kucha. Kimmi then gives a little Kimmi The Vegetarian promo by announcing that she hasn't eaten poultry in over ten years and hasn't had red meat in over fifteen. She's twenty-eight now, so that's a pretty meatless existence. Kimmi then tells us that her participation will help build the team's morale, so maybe she's been taking ego lessons from Michael. Jeff tells us that he wants the chicken so that Mike will stop fishing and walking around flexing his "muscle." Which makes me think of one muscle in particular, but I'm not touching that one. See what I just did there? Jeff tells us, "I'm not above snatchin' it out of the other team's arms." Here he means the chicken, and not Mike's love muscle. Aw. The tribe has written "Kucha" in sticks on their beach.
Our shot is an aerial view of two boxes; as the camera closes in, we see that each box is a giant Survivor puzzle. And for all the money this show is raking in, they're not wasting any of it on special effects: we see, accompanied by some kooky music, the puzzle pieces moving themselves around at super-speed. Those crazy, kooky puzzle pieces. We also see some terrified-looking chickens, one of whom is named "Polly." The chickens weren't named in advance last time -- but then again, there wasn't a vegetarian around to piss off, either. Peachy's all sunny-side up as usual (in a perfect world, he'd be scrambled) as he explains that each team has to "completely unscramble" their puzzle, and that the reward is three egg-laying chickens and a rooster.
The tribes get to their puzzling. Lamber thinks that using her brain is hard. She's never tried it before. And I suddenly feel bad for saying that, as I picture Lamber's good modest parents back in Beaver reading this about their daughter, who they're probably proud of so far since she's done nothing particularly slutty or mean or manipulative -- or anything for that matter. After all, nobody thinks their own child is a spineless follower with no personality. To them, she's just "shy" or "thoughtful," but we know they're just fancy words for "dull." As the teams work, we cut between them to see Lamber and Jerri contradicting Keith, while Mitchell just sits there and looks like a dud to Cowboy's stud. At Kucha, Kimmi appears to have anointed herself leader this week. Her fine intellect and puzzle-solving skills are essential factors in her leadership. Besides, she can shout much more loudly than everyone else. Kucha wins because all of Okagor has simultaneously gone deaf, never before having been subject to Kimmi's shrieking at such close range. Rodger cutely high-fives Kimmi, and the tribe looks really happy.
Peachy announces that Kucha is to follow the map on their puzzle to the reward. It's a straight line (a map even I could follow) to Henrietta, Polly, Ruby, and Rodney. Jeff greets them all. Rodger is a veteran chicken handler -- he's earned his keep. Kucha: You need his chicken handling through the final four. You want his chicken handling through the final four. You will have his chicken handling through the final four. Are you getting sleepy? Elisabeth says she can't believe she's holding a chicken, and Kimmi admonishes Rodger not to "break her wings" as she shoves Polly or Henrietta or Ruby into the pen. She walks away shaking her head and looking disgusted. Nick tries to comfort her with a headlock, and with reassuring thoughts of eggs and protein. Kimmi wants food like tofu, "without a mommy." As they walk back to their camp, Elisabeth tries to psyche up her team because they don't seem very excited about having won the challenge. I don't know where I was when Elisabeth was anointed cheerleader of the tribe, but my back was definitely turned.
At Kucha Day 11, Michael tells us that he's now unnecessary for the well-being of the tribe, because they can eat a chicken every day up until the merger and be happy. He tells us that his goal is to "consume. Those. Chickens. As quickly as possible, so we're back to being hungry again." Nice team spirit, Mikey. I'm sure you'll win the sportsmanship award. Unless they disqualify you for that upcoming pig-killing thing. Rodger is wearing a very fetching orange and blue windbreaker, and he definitely looks his handsomest with the beard coming in. He looked a little soft before. Nick tells us that he and Rodger were up early "relocating" the chickens, and that he saw Mike preparing to kill Rodney. We then see Mike with a very serious face -- and a very serious knife -- looking like he's plotting something. Nick tells us that if Mike had killed the rooster while the others were sleeping, they would have been upset. Mike is totally staring at the chickens, just waiting for the chance to kill something. I think Michael was the kind of kid who pulled the wings off flies and burned ants with his magnifying lens in the name of science. As Rodney crows a cheerful "good morning" to his new family, a squinty-eyed Elisabeth announces that "that one's going first."
Lamber tells us, in her monotone voice, "There's a fire." I so told you Jerri was flammable. See what she's gone and done? Lamber then says, "You can actually hear the trees falling down and burning," which seems sad to me. I mean, I know trees don't have mommies, but still. Tina, observing the closeness of the fire says, "I'll put on my tennis shoes," and I really thought she'd say "tennies," which would sound more like "tinnies." The ash, my friends, is "blowing in the wind," but Ogakor has no idea how close the fire is, although they do know it has to cross water to reach their camp. Without Jerri around to tell her what to say, Amber flails, "It's a concern, um, but, I think we'll be safe as long as we head to the water and everybody does the right thing." Which basically assumes that the fire will reach them, but that as long as they're all in the water, things will continue as normal. We see aerial shots of the fire, which is burning in a straight line, and leaving lots of dead black stuff in its wake.
In the tent, Tina talks shit about Jerri to Colby and Mitchell. She tells them that Jerri will do whatever it takes to win. She also tells them that Jerri stole the fishing boat from her and Keith that morning, even though Mitchell was there when it happened. She concludes, "I am so over it I can't hardly stand it." In an interview, she tells us that she mentioned her "frustrations" with Jerri to the others because she didn't know if she alone felt that way, but it's pretty clear her real motive is to feel up the allegiances of the others. Colby says that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better, which confirms my belief that Colby speaks mostly in irrelevant clichés. Tina apologizes for saying that Jerri is "the most bossy, domineering person [she's] ever met." Tina then admits to us that she was testing Colby's alliance, because she feels if she can reach him, she can then get to Lamber. Poor Mitchell is too far gone.
Later, Colby and Keith hang out in the river, and Colby says he had to escape because there was an "estrogen overload" in the tent. In case he was sleeping through Tribal Council the night, Keith explains to Colby that Jerri's comments set him and Tina apart, and that they thought it was "just a matter of time now." In an interview Colby pinches his nose and tells us that "The Powers that Be" (An Angel fan?) have predetermined long ago the "pecking order" and the elimination order, "and uh, Keith is up." When he says "The Powers that Be," we see a tent shot of Jerri picking at her nails, Lamber lying around, and Bitchell with his "duh" face on. More like the Powers that Suck. Colby says that he and Keith spend a lot of time together because they get along, but also because the team needs Keith. Keith says, "Who knows, man -- you and Jerri could get married," and Colby says that's not going to happen. Keith then tells Colby that Jerri's not good enough for him. And that "it's cool" that they have they're "little thing going on." He then threatens to beat Colby "like a dog" (but not stab him like a little piglet) if he find out they've hooked up.
After a little pre-chicken pow-wow at Kucha, the tribe unanimously agrees to butcher a chicken. Kimmi asks to be notified before the killing starts. Alicia may be playing cats' cradle or fiddling with her nails like Jerri. Rodger tells us that having fried chicken would be the first meal where they didn't have to pass a piece of fish around six or seven times with everyone taking a bite, which might be a jab at Michael. Rodger looks like Slingblade Gump as his beard grow in. As he begins to prepare for Rodney's butchering, Kimmi leaves, and Alicia says she's sorry for her, even though she doesn't really look like she is. Rodger says they should all remember that it's no different from eating fish. ["Exactly, KIMMI." -- Wing Chun] As the team eats, Michael tells us in an interview that it is going to get more and more difficult for him "to stay in the limelight." He says he's increased the number of fish he's caught each time he's been out so much that the obvious step is for him to wrestle an alligator. Nick eats and says, "Once you go dark meat, you don't ever go back," and Alicia keeps a straight face for about two seconds until Nick looks back at her, and then she giggles cutely and ducks her head between her legs.
At Ogakor, Mitchell tells us that he's weak, hungry, and tired, and that, physically and emotionally, he's "gone." He then tells us that he thinks the most about strategies of everyone in Ogakor. I thought he thought the most about Jerri. Maybe even now, back in Jersey, he wistfully thinks about Jerri striking a pose in her cowboy hat and weird pink poncho with her hands on her cocked hips. Mitchell bashfully draws in the sand as Mae West Jerri stands above him. Snitchell tells Jerri and Lamber that he's seen Colby and Keith talking. Jerri is fearful because of her Tribal Council comments, but says that the only way an alliance would work against her with Keith and Tina would be if Colby joined them. While Jerri goes on about this, Lamber is "yes"-ing and "right"-ing and repeating everything Jerri says. Lamber then says that Colby can be talked into things easily and that "he's not real strong in his own opinion," and just then Alanis Morissette pops onto my television screen and wails, "Isn't it ironic?" and then disappears.
Jerri tells us that she's focusing on Colby so that he doesn't change his mind. She then chases Colby to the ends of the earth...or at least way up on a mountain somewhere and wages her campaign, which consists of saying things like, "Cool!" in her best Valley Girl voice. Colby tells us he's "bound and determined to put pork on the plate before [he] leave[s] this place," and Jerri tells him to serve it right up. Well, she doesn't, really, but she does. Jerri tells us that Colby has separated the game from his relationships with her, and that "it takes a strong person to do that, quite honestly," and then Meredyth Brooks shows up and launches into "Bitch." In an interview, Colby says that Jerri is scared, and that she thinks he might be involved in masterminding a "back door" move with Tina and Keith. Colby then tells Jerri that he doesn't want her to lose any sleep over the situation, and she says that she's just trying to beat Tina to the draw. Colby doesn't want to make any deals; he thinks they're pointless, because if the tribe enters the merger "undermanned," "it's all for naught." In the comment that had people across the world mocking their television sets, Jerri tells Cowboy, "It's not like you're making a deal with the devil, here." In an interview, Jerri says that she's become a little leery of Colby because he's "distancing himself from her." We then see Colby offer up a deal -- which confuses me, because he'd just stated his opposition to them: he'll ally with Jerri and Lamber. But it's hard to tell whether he's being honest with Jerri because -- after telling us in an interview that Jerri wears a nametag that says "Puppet Master" on it, and that she loves having Lamber in her pocket -- he claims that he "simply agreed to go along with them just because [he] thought it could get [him] down the road a little better." He tells us, "I haven't trusted anyone since Day One, and anyone playing smart should have been the same way." We then see Colby gallantly piggybacking Jerri across the river, thus at once depriving her of her cesspool energy source and setting himself on fire.
In a short clip, an animal that looks like the result of the mating of my two dogs scurries about the outback. This little piggy's about to cry all the way home. Or to heaven. Or wherever it is that wronged little piggies go to die.
Back from commercial, there's a warning about graphic content. It must be pretty bad, since not once were we warned when Richard Hatch was frolicking about on his birthday. In his birthday suit. While most of the Kucha members sleep, Elisabeth appears to be washing her Frisbee. Nick appears to be ogling Elisabeth as she washes her Frisbee. Kinky. Nick spots a pig drinking by the water, and suddenly Mike -- asleep two seconds earlier -- is bounding through the brush, spear in hand. Seriously, this thing looks like a little black Babe -- it even has the matching little hair tufts. And it pretty much just stands there as Mike tries to catch it -- it doesn't even know to be scared of Mike. Nick shows up to help Mike and requests that Babe not "charge" him, which is like asking a furry little kitty cat not to gobble you up. Babe finally catches on that he's in danger when Mike takes a swipe at its tail. Not many animals like their tails being grabbed. Just ask Piglet, my dog. Or ask my husband, whose nickname is Porky. See any bias here, people? Because I don't. Babe ambles about the outback sniffing grass and prancing through the flowers when Mike starts in with the stabbing. And at this my mind goes blank and a vision of friendly Farmer Hoggett (looking an awful lot like Rodger), petting and loving Babe, takes over. Elisabeth looks horrified when Nick tells him Mike caught Babe, which confuses me because she's delighted to make his acquaintance again on her plate later on. Nick is creeped out but excited. Nick says it was gross, and Elisabeth adds, "Brutal." Smiling over the corpse, Mike tells us that "life is just a funny little blending of experiences and this is just one of them." He is mesmerized by the dead animal which is just below the camera and invisible to us, but must be singing and dancing its heart out to keep Mike's ravenous attention. Mike gleefully sharpens his knife and says that he's not sure how the tribe will feel about the murder, but that if he's going out, at least he's going out full. He then smears Babe's blood on his face. Elisabeth approaches and says, "That looks like a murder scene," and really, we all do like to chow down on the victims of what appear to be murder scenes. Jeff can't stop smiling: there's murder and strife among his tribemates. Elisabeth starts crying and says, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," while Alicia wryly comments that there's "lots of butchering going on in Kucha camp today." Jeff then adds that it's "nothing like a chicken, that's for sure," and Nick says, "It's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life." Mike and Rodger put Babe on a little spit. Jeff takes great pleasure in telling Kimmi that Mike caught Babe and that there's "going to be a lot of ham and pork and bacon coming up in here soon." Kimmi calls Kucha a "sick tribe." Pig parts hang from all the trees around Kucha like party decorations. At Ozzy Osborne's house. For such a small animal, Babe appears to have produced a lot of meat, which can only be eaten by Kucha once, since I don't think they have the means of preserving it. We then learn that Kucha tribe, save Kimmi, actually respects Mike for his villainy. They all ooh and aah over Babe as they devour him. Elisabeth makes a very surprised "this is good!" face which I find incredibly annoying. She then says "Whoa. We're gonna get strong now," in a little baby voice, kind of like sweet little Babe would sound...were he not just brutally murdered.
Jerri and Colby fetch the clue for the immunity challenge, which is in the form of a cute little book. Jerri has to have her hand on it as Colby reads it, so that she can be part of the spotlight. Like he can't hold up the book without her able-bodied help. She tells us in an interview that the two immunity challenges are crucial for the tribe's survival at the merge.
So, do the Aboriginal tribespeople love their techno music, or what? When both teams have arrived at the challenge, Peachy baits Ogakor by asking Kucha how the chickens are. Mike tries to act like a team player, saying, "We haven't really been eating the chickens much because, uh, yesterday we all went out on a, uh, pig hunt and we, uh, stalked a pig and, uh, we put a spear right through its heart and, uh, we've been eating pig for about a whole day." Did they "catch" a pig so much as they "walked up to it"? Peachy asks for Ogakor's reaction and Colby says, "We'd like to have one."
On to the challenge: Peachy tells the tribes that it's a simple question-and-answer game. Each team needs to answer six questions correctly, although that simplicity is camouflaged by some Chutes and Ladders-type life-size playing board. Michael and Mitchell both think that it's possible to improvise a compass by magnetizing a needle with silk, and they're right. Elizabeth and Keith agree that it's true the number of flies in Australia increased after the arrival of Europeans. Right-o! Alicia thinks that water needs to boil for fifteen minutes for safety, while Amber thinks ten minutes. Amber is right. I like seeing Alicia lose, just so that I can see her beat up on herself; she does it so cutely. My screen suddenly cuts to a rushing waterfall and really loud music. I think my VCR is malfunctioning, but it's just more weirdness on the part of the Survivor special-effects people. Maybe in one of the upcoming episodes, we'll see the letters S, E, and X written in a smoke cloud, or a pair of breasts carefully hidden in Jerri's camouflage hat. Back at the challenge, we see the S13 moving through their paces without our knowing the questions, or who's winning or losing, except that Kimmi beats Jerri. Whew-hoo. Alicia makes what I think might be "the Heisman" gesture and says, "Third time's a charm," but it's not, since neither Tina nor Alicia know that all of the world's nine most venomous snakes live in Australia. Ten if you count Jerri. Seriously, they know that fact by now if they've watched any of the promos for this show. We cut back over to the loud music and the rushing waterfall -- except this time, it's going backwards! Jerri is wearing the new and patented shark-skin crocheted string bikini. All the Olympians will be wearing them. Mitchell and Alicia are the first tie-breaker. Peachy points out that Alicia "hasn't answered squat." Alicia and Mitchell agree that king toads have toxic skin that should not be touched. Don't you go touching those king toads, because they're right! Alicia looks very very short to Mitchell. : Alicia thinks that, when building a fire, you should never place wet rocks nearby. Mitchell thinks that your fire should never be built near a rockslide. Stop right now with the gathering of those wet rocks, because Alicia is right. Whew and a double hoo! Kucha parties down, and Alicia makes smoochies with the immunity idol. I seriously jumped out of my seat here and danced around my living room. Never for one minute did I not think Kucha was going to Tribal Council. This kind of surprise is Survivor at its best, and why we watch this show despite the reprehensible behavior of the people on it.
Ogakor is rightfully depressed as they walk back to camp. Lamber informs us that they're "feeling low" and if she ever tells us something we don't already know, I'll be very surprised. Jerri says, "And so we prepare once again for the walk of shame," and my guess is that she's well-prepared for that little jaunt. Mitchell smugly tells us, "I'll have plenty to say to the camera when I hold up Keith's name. He seems to be an instigator of some problems. So, when he goes, it'll be a sigh of relief for me." Keith tells us that Jerri likes to think that she's a leader, but that his goal is to break that up by offering the team an alternative. Colby tells us it will be a tough Tribal Council for him because he doesn't agree with The Powers that Suck.
Tribal Council. With a big, typically inappropriate smile on his face, Peachy says that he needs to address the fire with them. Please, Lord, don't ever let Peachy report the news. Keith says that the fires are going to end up "pushing things that are in the Outback towards us," which sounds far scarier for the Outback than for Ogakor. Colby is pissed off that he hasn't seen a pig, but he plans on catching one because he "plays to win." Smiling happily, Peachy says, "Let me make the observation of the day: Kucha is kicking your ass." Nobody argues with him there, but Colby twitches his nose. Tina says that being pulled in so many different directions is the hardest part of the game, and that it's "brutal."
Then they vote. Mitchell votes for Keith and says, "You add some tension to the group at times, and my hope is that by eliminating you, we eliminate a little bit of that friction." We don't see the others vote until Tina holds up Mitchell's name and tells us, "This is not my original intended vote. However, on the way here to Tribal Council, a new scheme was developed. So in the spirit of the Olympics, let the games begin." This was the third moment during this episode when I found myself whew-hooing.
Peachy tallies the votes and returns. The first name is Keith's -- which clues me in that he's not going anywhere. The two votes are also for Keith. Oh, Peachy, go on playing your fun and games while people's "life on the island" is at stake. The vote is for Mitchell, as are the remaining two. It's Survivor's first-ever tie! ["Well, for this season. There was a tie in last year's season finale -- Richard vs. Susan." -- Wing Chun] That means that the tribe votes again, with Keith and Mitchell abstaining. In this case, we know that, unless someone switches his vote, there will be another tie. Peachy gives Mitchell and Keith each a chance to plead his case. Keith tells the others that he's a competitor, and that he will continue to do heavy work for the team and will "fight for the bitter end." Mitchell looks like he's going to cry, and says, "Well, you all pulled a little fast one on me," and then tries to use some of that crafty reverse psychology on the tribe by saying that he wants them to win, and that he's just not strong enough to get them there. Mitchell throws himself on his sword for honor, but ends up falling flat on his face.
They vote again. Jerri votes for Keith and says, "Mitchell, I promised you from the very beginning of this game that I would not vote for you, and I'm staying true to that promise." Jerri, you should know that your word's no good here. Tina says, "This game isn't easy. I didn't come up here to starve myself and to face the elements to keep the weakest person." Hee. Tina's votes crack me up. Keith's name is shown first, again, so we have a good idea what's coming, but Mitchell still looks surprised when he gets his first vote. As we knew it would be, the tribe is deadlocked, and the rule in that case is that votes cast from Councils count. Peachy makes Keith say how many votes he has: none. He then makes Mitchell: one (and by Keith's hand!). Keith does a good job not celebrating his victory in Mitchell's face, although he does pat him on the back, which probably pisses Mitchell off. Mitchell's consolation prize is that he gets to hug Jerri --who has stick in her hair like she thinks she's in Bedrock -- before he goes.
As we go to commercial, Peachy tells us to stay tuned for Mitchell's final words, which I don't see as much of a selling point.
week on Survivor: something is rotten in the state of Kucha.
In his closing words, Mitchell says "cripes" and commends his tribe, the "better team." Oh, Bitchell; oh, Snitchell, we'll surely miss the many ways of naming and shaming you.