Previously on Survivor: Kimmi got blue crud all over her tongue and looked the other way while Michael was anointed leader of Kucha. Jerri was Ogakor's tortilla-making hero, and orchestrated the voting off of Kel and his beef jerky.
I'm not familiar with the exotic Australian animals. I know kangaroo. I know koala. I even know platypus, but I have no idea what a digeridoo is. Is it like a heffalump, or a weasel? While trying to research what a digeridoo is, I learn that camels, dingos, water buffalo, and rabbits are not indigenous to Australia; brought to the continent by man, they have been "disastrous" to the Australian ecology. In fifty years or so, we'll hear of a new species brought there by man more catastrophic than we can even imagine: the Long Nosed Jerricoot. But I still don't know what a digeridoo is. Oh, I found it -- wait! It's not an animal! It's "a unique wind instrument made from the trunks or branches of trees that have been hollowed out by termites." Boy is my face red.
At Kucha, Michael tells us while beheading a fish that eating is a small step on the way to winning the million. In the tent, he announces to the others that there's more food to be had: apparently, a phantom pig. Jeff doesn't agree that pig-hunting is time well spent, telling the others, "Pig-hunting, since we haven't seen, like, an abundance of 'em, you know, it's like there's one out there, you know what I mean. We just walk around and hope that during the day we run into this big pig the size of a table." Jeff tells us in a confessional that Mike wants to go out four hours a day and look for food because he's hungry, but no one else is up for that. Which seems fine to me, since Mike isn't asking anyone else to do anything. Mike tells the others, "I'm gonna find something that's alive that we are gonna kill," and I know we're all thinking the same thing here: Jerri qualifies. Mike smears his luxury item all over his face and tells us in a confessional that he's "very, very determined to get a pig." He says that all pigs need to drink, so he'll wait by the water and look for pig tracks. Jeff begrudgingly lets Mike use the knife to fashion a spear. Michael tells us that, "Once I see a pig it's gonna be a, you know, an incredible act of exertion to try and get it. But I'm gonna build a spear with the knife on the end and then I'm gonna run one down and I'm gonna get as close as I can and then I'm just gonna kinda you know figure it out from there." Mike's a little too excited about the pig-killing. He sounds like a fourth grader describing his summer plans, although hopefully for most children, the subject matter differs. Elisabeth thinks Mike should be out looking for tracks and Alicia says his is an unrealistic plan. Not that I'm down with the pig-killing, but if I was down with the pig-killing, I'd think the others might try to contribute to the effort -- couldn't Elisabeth look for tracks? Without the immunity headdress on, she probably can see quite clearly. Kimmi could run ahead and try to cover up the tracks. Jeff tells Mike that he's a little worried about the knife being lost in the pig hunt, and Mike dismisses him with, "And I'm glad you brought that to our attention and I will absolutely, positively not lose this knife." Michael gleefully continues his pre-pig-killing activities and I'm so expecting to hear a chorus of, "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!"
Jeff tells us he hopes Mike does lose the knife to get a "valuable reason" to go off on the bastard. I wonder if he meant "viable reason." Elizabeth, in her squeaky squeally piglet voice, tells us that the "knife might as well be a pig." She says they haven't yet seen a single pig. But have they seen a married one? Sorry, couldn't resist. Elisabeth continues with, "Believe me, if I see a pig I wanna eat it," but she believes Michael's purpose is just to "catch one on his stick just like, 'Rah, rah.'" Elizabeth is like the SNL cheerleaders. She wants to "Beat! Beat! Beat!" the other team, and later we discover that Kucha is the tribe "with heart," which sounds like a perfect lead-in to "We got spirit, yes we do!" Michael then gleefully introduces us to the "Pigkiller." Jeff tells us that Michael is all about "the spear, the stupid spear," and in a whiny sing-songy voice he imitates Mike and says, "I'm gonna go catch pigs," and follows through with, "Classic Mike, he's an idiot." He continues taunting with, "I wanna see your pig. Go get me a pig," which is my favorite line so far this season. And also, "I wanna see your pig" fits perfectly into the opening lyrics to Rob Bass's "It Takes Two," which are "I wanna rock right now." As Jeff says this, we see lots of shots of Michael crafting his spear and grinning to himself like the idiot got away from the local village. The camera shows us a cute little black piggy scurrying in some brush. If Mikey gets a pig, it ain't gonna be pretty here week, people.
At Ogakor, Tina tells us Survivor is harder than she thought it would be and that she's craving something called "dureet toes." Colby tells us that Ogakor hasn't yet had meat, and that the lack of protein is "taking its toll." Maralyn is wearing leggings, which my mother calls "leggins," as she goes off to check the mail. After praying to the "great Aboriginal fathers" for kindness, she realizes she should have prayed for different team members instead. The clue is about "making a big flop," and trying "not to be crushed by the weight," and "rising to the top," which recalls another great hip hop song of the early '90s, "Jump Around," which included both the lines: "I'm the cream of the crop; I rise to the top," and "I never eat the pig 'cause the pig is a cop." We've just confirmed that there are shout-outs at work here. To whom and for what reason goes beyond me.
The reward, we learn, is fishing gear. Jerri tells us the main reason they haven't been eating is because they haven't caught fish. Not eating? I thought Jerri's Tortilla Shop (I prefer to call it Ye Olde Jerri's Tortilla Shacke) was feeding the masses. Amber says they're running out of food and that she'd love to catch a "fish out there...or something," and I then picture the shiny wet black boot they always catch in cartoons, and that would actually be pretty funny for Mark Burnett to orchestrate. Keith tells us he knows the challenge is physical, but he can't tell from the clue whether it's a group effort or for one team member. He says that if they have to choose one person, they'll choose Colby because he's the strongest. But what if this task consisted of writing a great song, or drawing blood? I heard nothing in that clue that suggested the work of only one person, so I think this might be our first instance of overt outside interference, like the cameraperson said, "Do you think this physical challenge is a team or individual effort, and if it is an individual effort, who do you think is the strongest?" Maralyn tells us, "Cowboy can handle any challenge," and Tina says, "He would die before he would fail us," which seems a little dramatic to me and I guess Tina doesn't live by the same rules since she failed her team last week. Cowboy tells us that the others say "his stock won't fluctuate" based on his performance but that "internally" he doesn't believe them.
At the challenge, Just Peachy shows the S14 the reward, which is an "Outback Fishing Package," available for only $49.49 from the J. Peterman catalogue. Peachy tells them the challenge will test "strength, balance, and endurance," and that each tribe will select a person on whose shoulders the opposing team's members will load buckets of water they've carried across a balance beam sort of obstacle course. Peachy must not have too much faith in the intelligence of these teams because he tells them, "It should be your strongest person." Each team also has a water loader, which in this case are Mitchell and Rodger. As Peachy describes this, we get a really stupid shot of the end of a pole on which a bunch of multiple water buckets appear. I can't figure out if we're supposed to think that's a really cool effect. In 1950, maybe. Ogakor chants "Oga! Oga! Oga!" as they begin. Maybe Elisabeth should have been on this team. We see shots of S14 walking, trying not to fall, and ultimately taking diggers. Alicia takes a lot of diggers, which are preceded by my favorite grunting noise. A digger should not be mistaken for a digeridoo. Tina looks pretty good at this and well she should be -- it takes lightness of feet to be a good back-stabber. Tina says, "Attaway, Cowboy!" and Maralyn promises that, "We'll take good care of you tonight, Cowboy," and he looks disturbed by this. Peachy announces that since all the buckets have been loaded, it becomes a challenge of which water bearer can endure the longest. We see lots of shots of grimacing and shaking Cowboy and Michael. Cowboy grits his teeth and repeats under his breath, "This sucks, this sucks," looking like he's about to cry. Peachy announces at this point that they each have over four hundred pounds on their shoulders. Elisabeth does one of her cheers and Jeff takes great pleasure in Cowboy's pain, telling Mike, "He's shaking, Mike. You're not, baby." Mike sticks his tongue out, but not at Jeff. Apparently, that helps with his balance. Mike looks like he's bending under the weight when suddenly his pole snaps in half. He looks surprised and then stretches his arms out in front of him and falls back into the water. Ogakor starts celebrating but here comes Peachy's favorite part -- he gets to put a jolly end to their festivities with a, "No decision." He also summarizes what happened for the contestants, which seems kind of silly since they were there. Mike, meanwhile, is high-fiving everyone which makes no sense to me because he didn't win -- his damn pole broke. There's a tiebreaker now in which each team has five minutes to load as many buckets as they can onto the shoulders of their water bearer. I would have liked to see the tiebreaker be between the smallest member of each team. Ogakor wins and Mitchell chucks a bucket at Mike. And Mitchell should really be celebrating since, as water loader, he did so much. Amber and Jerri race to be the first to hug Cowboy. Mike tells Kucha, "Let's get outta here. I don't wanna hear them scream anymore -- it's scaring all the pigs away." Well, without the pigs part.
Kangaroos and piglets! Where's Winnie the Pooh?
Tina says that they've been fantastic on a small amount of food but, "you get food in [them] and [they're] gonna be unstoppable." Cowboy tells us that they're three and one now but, "We still gotta catch the fish, the fish aren't gonna jump into our camp." Not with Jerri around, anyway. Mitchell says that he didn't think the reward challenge was important because, "Something told me there really wasn't a lot of fish out here," and it sucked that they gave them the means to catch fish without giving them the fish. Because if they gave them the fish, that would surely entail lots of surviving. The team goes out fishing and Amber catches a fish. Jerri finds a way to make it about herself by announcing that she got it off the line. She tells us in a confessional, "I couldn't stop smiling. Keith said there were no fish. Him [sic] and Kel both for [sic] saying that for days and days. They were practically jumping into the boat." The fish, not Keith and Kel. My immense hatred for Jerri aside, I can't imagine she's a very good actress since her delivery is always the same -- "smirky" is the best way I can describe it. Keith says he knew that as soon as the team caught a fish they'd be looking for him to gut and fillet it. Mitchell calls him "Chef Keith," and Keith tells us "the 'chef' word's never been used before," and that coming in he'd expected to be able to cook fantastic meals for his team but that "so far that hadn't worked out." Amber tells us it took a week to catch the first fish, but "that's better than two weeks." Amber is pretty. Pretty boring. The other members of Ogakor stand around Keith with pens and papers, tape recorders, and textbooks while he instructs them on how to prepare the fish. Jerri tells us that everyone's pretty happy right now that Keith is there to cook for them -- she then says she's aware that she's the most irritated by him. But she's working on that. She's in her little cesspool again, and I'm totally onto Jerri -- she's like Balthazar from Buffy (not Charmed!), the "grotesquely obese enemy [who] festers in a vat of liquid elixir (more like liquid crap) that his acolytes must ladle over his torso." We'll soon see Amber and Tina scurrying around with ladles. Keith salts and flours the fish, and Jerri says he shouldn't waste perfectly good flour that could be used for tortilla-making. Cowboy tells us that the most tension is between Jerri and Keith but that there's not a power struggle yet. As they continue to watch Keith, Hungry Dog says, "We're all hanging over you like a bunch of greedy sharks," which is a kind description for what they really are. Keith comments that, "I feel like I'm doing a cooking class," and Cowboy tells us that "there were several eyes" watching Keith fillet the fish and that "his stock didn't go up" at all. In fact, all he did was "play the role of instructor on how to cook fish." As Keith prepares to cook, someone who sounds an awful like Barry White announces, "Looks little bit like a fish fry," and I can't figure out who the hell on this team has that funny a personality or that interesting a voice. Or that interesting an anything for that matter. That fried fish is making me hungry. Tina tells us that Keith's meal was "eggcellent" and much needed. Mitchell says that although Keith's first meal sucked, "the second was fantastic." Amber says "Ahhhhh. Maaahhhhh Gaaaaad," sounding and looking exactly like Hunter from Gross Pointe. Or perhaps like the little Lamber she is. Thanks for the help with that one, forums! In a confessional, Mitchell's eyes roll back in his head as he loses consciousness while Jerri takes over his body and says, "I've never had such a good meal, but you know what? Jerri could do that. I could even do that." But looking at Mitchell, it's clear that he can barely feed himself better yet arrange for the feeding of six others. Mitchell continues, "Having a chef out here isn't as crucial as [Keith] might think because we don't have a lot to work with." The editors seem to love to contradict Mitchell -- and who can blame them? -- as the camera shows us a huge pile of fish carcasses. A lot of fish carcasses, if you will.
“ Alicia says that every task Kimmi does could be easily taken over by someone else. We then see Kimmi performing the very necessary task of applying sunscreen to the male team members. ”
At Kucha, Kimmi tells us that she's usually "on top with water" as we see her supplying all the water needs of her tribe. She tells us that boiling the "crocodile creek water" is difficult work and that she makes ten trips in one morning with little to show for it since the others drink it as soon as it's provided. Rodger tells us that he's noticed that Kimmi works harder than anyone else on the team and that she's really worried she's going to be the to go. Kimmi says she doesn't have a bond with anybody, which makes her an easy target, and Alicia says that every task Kimmi does could be easily taken over by someone else. We then see Kimmi performing the very necessary task of applying sunscreen to the male team members. Jeff tells us there's a "battle between Kentucky Joe and Kimmi," not meaning they're fighting, but that they're both in the running for elimination. Kentucky Joe appears to be Rodger's new nickname. Elisabeth tells us she "feels strongly" for Rodger, and it's exactly the same way I feel for Rodger. And she doesn't mean in the "I have feelings" way of the WB teen dramas. Alicia tells us Kentucky Joe might not be strong in the challenges, but that he knows what he's doing. We then cut to a shot of him telling us he's heard where it's best to catch fish, which isn't too different from Debb trying to light a fire from a library book, but we'll just ignore that, 'kay, because Rodger does it so much more adorably. Rodger has found a little heart-shaped rock, which he gives to Elisabeth, telling her to bring it home to her boyfriend with the words, "You just know I care." I want to know that Rodger cares about me! Rodger then tells us he and Elisabeth "just clicked," and Elisabeth tells us his rock gift "just touched [her]." Rodger tells Elisabeth that she's a "sweet little gal" and that her parents should be proud. Alicia informs us in a confessional that Elisabeth has said she won't vote Kentucky Joe off, and that "she protects him." Elisabeth firmly tells us, "I will not spell that man's name," which is completely different from what might be said by some other contestants: "I cannot spell that man's name." (Because that there tricky "d" in "Rodger" sure is confusing.)
At Ogakor, Maralyn sunbathes and sings "On the Street Where You Live." Tina approaches and says, "Sing it, girlygirl," which seems like a questionable description for Sunburnt Dog. Tina tells us that Maralyn is the "songbird" and the "cheerleader" and that they both "took up for one another." Maralyn tells us in a confessional that Tina is a "fabulous woman" and a "star" (more like a black hole) and that "[she] trust[s] Tina the most," which really doesn't say much for this tribe. She then says, "I do not trust Jerri."
Meanwhile, Jerri and Cowboy have a very Jack and Jill flirtation in which they debate the finer points of crunchy peanut butter and coffee with cream and sugar. Lamber reverts to second grade -- or maybe no reversion was necessary -- and tells us, "There may be something going on between Jerri and Colby. I mean, from the very first day she told me how cute she thought he was. And at first she didn't think he liked her, and I'm like, 'Jerri, it's only the second day.'" Maybe later Colby will dip Jerri's pigtails in an ink bottle and taunt her on the playground. Jerri then tells us in a confessional that she'd really like it if she got together with Colby because, "He's exactly my type, plus he's a cowboy and I'm such a sucker for cowboys." Colby tells Jerri he digs ice cream and Jerri can't believe she's talking to this ice cream-loving redneck, but she has to if she's going to win Survivor and run for public office and launch her campaign to take over the world! Colby tells us that he and Jerri are "gettin' along great" and that every day they have more fun together and enjoy seeing how far then can "kinda push it." Their conversation then turns to whether chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies are better, and Cowboy voices exactly what I'm thinking that it wasn't "really a fair competition." Keith tells us he believes Jerri is attracted to Colby but that there's no question that strategy also comes into play. All confessionals with Keith look like scenes cut from Blair Witch. We then get some night-vision shots of Jerri massaging Colby and saying that she "doesn't mind" although we all know she's wondering if hick washes off. Keith tells us that Jerri wants people on her side and that with Colby she uses things like massages and sharing a blanket to win him over. Colby then tells us that he's not sure if Jerri has ulterior motives but that she's certainly capable of it and so he won't let his guard down. Which is a good thing because Jerri tells us, "If it came down to having to vote for Colby, I would." We then see more night-vision shots of Jerri massaging Colby, and in an act of manipulative editing I enjoy for once, we segue to a shot of a big fat curly-haired spider with no acting talent whatsoever spinning its web.
At Kucha, Alicia and Jeff go on a "foraging walk." He says he thought about it a lot and wanted to "have her think about the future," which is demonstrative of a pretty substantial ego -- that Jeff needs to "have" people thing about obvious things. They are debating who would be the most valuable to have in the final four and "that [they] could beat." Jeff tells us that they're already committed to each other for the final four, and Alicia says to him in a very unconvincing voice that the "truth of the matter is I feel like you're the only one I can trust at this point." Then Alicia and Jeff come across a big spider web, and I don't think we're supposed to think it's the Jerri spider this time. We have our choice of appropriately spidery competitors. Alicia tells us they're planning "how this thing should go." Jeff then says that Elisabeth can't be in the final four because she'll "definitely make it." Then, they start picking on poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick. They agree that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible "Nick flies under the radar," and Jeff says he doesn't trust him "as far as he can spit, adding that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick "would screw all of us."