Previously on Survivor: Kimmi got blue crud all over her tongue and looked the other way while Michael was anointed leader of Kucha. Jerri was Ogakor's tortilla-making hero, and orchestrated the voting off of Kel and his beef jerky.
I'm not familiar with the exotic Australian animals. I know kangaroo. I know koala. I even know platypus, but I have no idea what a digeridoo is. Is it like a heffalump, or a weasel? While trying to research what a digeridoo is, I learn that camels, dingos, water buffalo, and rabbits are not indigenous to Australia; brought to the continent by man, they have been "disastrous" to the Australian ecology. In fifty years or so, we'll hear of a new species brought there by man more catastrophic than we can even imagine: the Long Nosed Jerricoot. But I still don't know what a digeridoo is. Oh, I found it -- wait! It's not an animal! It's "a unique wind instrument made from the trunks or branches of trees that have been hollowed out by termites." Boy is my face red.
At Kucha, Michael tells us while beheading a fish that eating is a small step on the way to winning the million. In the tent, he announces to the others that there's more food to be had: apparently, a phantom pig. Jeff doesn't agree that pig-hunting is time well spent, telling the others, "Pig-hunting, since we haven't seen, like, an abundance of 'em, you know, it's like there's one out there, you know what I mean. We just walk around and hope that during the day we run into this big pig the size of a table." Jeff tells us in a confessional that Mike wants to go out four hours a day and look for food because he's hungry, but no one else is up for that. Which seems fine to me, since Mike isn't asking anyone else to do anything. Mike tells the others, "I'm gonna find something that's alive that we are gonna kill," and I know we're all thinking the same thing here: Jerri qualifies. Mike smears his luxury item all over his face and tells us in a confessional that he's "very, very determined to get a pig." He says that all pigs need to drink, so he'll wait by the water and look for pig tracks. Jeff begrudgingly lets Mike use the knife to fashion a spear. Michael tells us that, "Once I see a pig it's gonna be a, you know, an incredible act of exertion to try and get it. But I'm gonna build a spear with the knife on the end and then I'm gonna run one down and I'm gonna get as close as I can and then I'm just gonna kinda you know figure it out from there." Mike's a little too excited about the pig-killing. He sounds like a fourth grader describing his summer plans, although hopefully for most children, the subject matter differs. Elisabeth thinks Mike should be out looking for tracks and Alicia says his is an unrealistic plan. Not that I'm down with the pig-killing, but if I was down with the pig-killing, I'd think the others might try to contribute to the effort -- couldn't Elisabeth look for tracks? Without the immunity headdress on, she probably can see quite clearly. Kimmi could run ahead and try to cover up the tracks. Jeff tells Mike that he's a little worried about the knife being lost in the pig hunt, and Mike dismisses him with, "And I'm glad you brought that to our attention and I will absolutely, positively not lose this knife." Michael gleefully continues his pre-pig-killing activities and I'm so expecting to hear a chorus of, "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!"
Jeff tells us he hopes Mike does lose the knife to get a "valuable reason" to go off on the bastard. I wonder if he meant "viable reason." Elizabeth, in her squeaky squeally piglet voice, tells us that the "knife might as well be a pig." She says they haven't yet seen a single pig. But have they seen a married one? Sorry, couldn't resist. Elisabeth continues with, "Believe me, if I see a pig I wanna eat it," but she believes Michael's purpose is just to "catch one on his stick just like, 'Rah, rah.'" Elizabeth is like the SNL cheerleaders. She wants to "Beat! Beat! Beat!" the other team, and later we discover that Kucha is the tribe "with heart," which sounds like a perfect lead-in to "We got spirit, yes we do!" Michael then gleefully introduces us to the "Pigkiller." Jeff tells us that Michael is all about "the spear, the stupid spear," and in a whiny sing-songy voice he imitates Mike and says, "I'm gonna go catch pigs," and follows through with, "Classic Mike, he's an idiot." He continues taunting with, "I wanna see your pig. Go get me a pig," which is my favorite line so far this season. And also, "I wanna see your pig" fits perfectly into the opening lyrics to Rob Bass's "It Takes Two," which are "I wanna rock right now." As Jeff says this, we see lots of shots of Michael crafting his spear and grinning to himself like the idiot got away from the local village. The camera shows us a cute little black piggy scurrying in some brush. If Mikey gets a pig, it ain't gonna be pretty here week, people.
At Ogakor, Tina tells us Survivor is harder than she thought it would be and that she's craving something called "dureet toes." Colby tells us that Ogakor hasn't yet had meat, and that the lack of protein is "taking its toll." Maralyn is wearing leggings, which my mother calls "leggins," as she goes off to check the mail. After praying to the "great Aboriginal fathers" for kindness, she realizes she should have prayed for different team members instead. The clue is about "making a big flop," and trying "not to be crushed by the weight," and "rising to the top," which recalls another great hip hop song of the early '90s, "Jump Around," which included both the lines: "I'm the cream of the crop; I rise to the top," and "I never eat the pig 'cause the pig is a cop." We've just confirmed that there are shout-outs at work here. To whom and for what reason goes beyond me.
The reward, we learn, is fishing gear. Jerri tells us the main reason they haven't been eating is because they haven't caught fish. Not eating? I thought Jerri's Tortilla Shop (I prefer to call it Ye Olde Jerri's Tortilla Shacke) was feeding the masses. Amber says they're running out of food and that she'd love to catch a "fish out there...or something," and I then picture the shiny wet black boot they always catch in cartoons, and that would actually be pretty funny for Mark Burnett to orchestrate. Keith tells us he knows the challenge is physical, but he can't tell from the clue whether it's a group effort or for one team member. He says that if they have to choose one person, they'll choose Colby because he's the strongest. But what if this task consisted of writing a great song, or drawing blood? I heard nothing in that clue that suggested the work of only one person, so I think this might be our first instance of overt outside interference, like the cameraperson said, "Do you think this physical challenge is a team or individual effort, and if it is an individual effort, who do you think is the strongest?" Maralyn tells us, "Cowboy can handle any challenge," and Tina says, "He would die before he would fail us," which seems a little dramatic to me and I guess Tina doesn't live by the same rules since she failed her team last week. Cowboy tells us that the others say "his stock won't fluctuate" based on his performance but that "internally" he doesn't believe them.
At the challenge, Just Peachy shows the S14 the reward, which is an "Outback Fishing Package," available for only $49.49 from the J. Peterman catalogue. Peachy tells them the challenge will test "strength, balance, and endurance," and that each tribe will select a person on whose shoulders the opposing team's members will load buckets of water they've carried across a balance beam sort of obstacle course. Peachy must not have too much faith in the intelligence of these teams because he tells them, "It should be your strongest person." Each team also has a water loader, which in this case are Mitchell and Rodger. As Peachy describes this, we get a really stupid shot of the end of a pole on which a bunch of multiple water buckets appear. I can't figure out if we're supposed to think that's a really cool effect. In 1950, maybe. Ogakor chants "Oga! Oga! Oga!" as they begin. Maybe Elisabeth should have been on this team. We see shots of S14 walking, trying not to fall, and ultimately taking diggers. Alicia takes a lot of diggers, which are preceded by my favorite grunting noise. A digger should not be mistaken for a digeridoo. Tina looks pretty good at this and well she should be -- it takes lightness of feet to be a good back-stabber. Tina says, "Attaway, Cowboy!" and Maralyn promises that, "We'll take good care of you tonight, Cowboy," and he looks disturbed by this. Peachy announces that since all the buckets have been loaded, it becomes a challenge of which water bearer can endure the longest. We see lots of shots of grimacing and shaking Cowboy and Michael. Cowboy grits his teeth and repeats under his breath, "This sucks, this sucks," looking like he's about to cry. Peachy announces at this point that they each have over four hundred pounds on their shoulders. Elisabeth does one of her cheers and Jeff takes great pleasure in Cowboy's pain, telling Mike, "He's shaking, Mike. You're not, baby." Mike sticks his tongue out, but not at Jeff. Apparently, that helps with his balance. Mike looks like he's bending under the weight when suddenly his pole snaps in half. He looks surprised and then stretches his arms out in front of him and falls back into the water. Ogakor starts celebrating but here comes Peachy's favorite part -- he gets to put a jolly end to their festivities with a, "No decision." He also summarizes what happened for the contestants, which seems kind of silly since they were there. Mike, meanwhile, is high-fiving everyone which makes no sense to me because he didn't win -- his damn pole broke. There's a tiebreaker now in which each team has five minutes to load as many buckets as they can onto the shoulders of their water bearer. I would have liked to see the tiebreaker be between the smallest member of each team. Ogakor wins and Mitchell chucks a bucket at Mike. And Mitchell should really be celebrating since, as water loader, he did so much. Amber and Jerri race to be the first to hug Cowboy. Mike tells Kucha, "Let's get outta here. I don't wanna hear them scream anymore -- it's scaring all the pigs away." Well, without the pigs part.
Kangaroos and piglets! Where's Winnie the Pooh?
Tina says that they've been fantastic on a small amount of food but, "you get food in [them] and [they're] gonna be unstoppable." Cowboy tells us that they're three and one now but, "We still gotta catch the fish, the fish aren't gonna jump into our camp." Not with Jerri around, anyway. Mitchell says that he didn't think the reward challenge was important because, "Something told me there really wasn't a lot of fish out here," and it sucked that they gave them the means to catch fish without giving them the fish. Because if they gave them the fish, that would surely entail lots of surviving. The team goes out fishing and Amber catches a fish. Jerri finds a way to make it about herself by announcing that she got it off the line. She tells us in a confessional, "I couldn't stop smiling. Keith said there were no fish. Him [sic] and Kel both for [sic] saying that for days and days. They were practically jumping into the boat." The fish, not Keith and Kel. My immense hatred for Jerri aside, I can't imagine she's a very good actress since her delivery is always the same -- "smirky" is the best way I can describe it. Keith says he knew that as soon as the team caught a fish they'd be looking for him to gut and fillet it. Mitchell calls him "Chef Keith," and Keith tells us "the 'chef' word's never been used before," and that coming in he'd expected to be able to cook fantastic meals for his team but that "so far that hadn't worked out." Amber tells us it took a week to catch the first fish, but "that's better than two weeks." Amber is pretty. Pretty boring. The other members of Ogakor stand around Keith with pens and papers, tape recorders, and textbooks while he instructs them on how to prepare the fish. Jerri tells us that everyone's pretty happy right now that Keith is there to cook for them -- she then says she's aware that she's the most irritated by him. But she's working on that. She's in her little cesspool again, and I'm totally onto Jerri -- she's like Balthazar from Buffy (not Charmed!), the "grotesquely obese enemy [who] festers in a vat of liquid elixir (more like liquid crap) that his acolytes must ladle over his torso." We'll soon see Amber and Tina scurrying around with ladles. Keith salts and flours the fish, and Jerri says he shouldn't waste perfectly good flour that could be used for tortilla-making. Cowboy tells us that the most tension is between Jerri and Keith but that there's not a power struggle yet. As they continue to watch Keith, Hungry Dog says, "We're all hanging over you like a bunch of greedy sharks," which is a kind description for what they really are. Keith comments that, "I feel like I'm doing a cooking class," and Cowboy tells us that "there were several eyes" watching Keith fillet the fish and that "his stock didn't go up" at all. In fact, all he did was "play the role of instructor on how to cook fish." As Keith prepares to cook, someone who sounds an awful like Barry White announces, "Looks little bit like a fish fry," and I can't figure out who the hell on this team has that funny a personality or that interesting a voice. Or that interesting an anything for that matter. That fried fish is making me hungry. Tina tells us that Keith's meal was "eggcellent" and much needed. Mitchell says that although Keith's first meal sucked, "the second was fantastic." Amber says "Ahhhhh. Maaahhhhh Gaaaaad," sounding and looking exactly like Hunter from Gross Pointe. Or perhaps like the little Lamber she is. Thanks for the help with that one, forums! In a confessional, Mitchell's eyes roll back in his head as he loses consciousness while Jerri takes over his body and says, "I've never had such a good meal, but you know what? Jerri could do that. I could even do that." But looking at Mitchell, it's clear that he can barely feed himself better yet arrange for the feeding of six others. Mitchell continues, "Having a chef out here isn't as crucial as [Keith] might think because we don't have a lot to work with." The editors seem to love to contradict Mitchell -- and who can blame them? -- as the camera shows us a huge pile of fish carcasses. A lot of fish carcasses, if you will.
At Kucha, Kimmi tells us that she's usually "on top with water" as we see her supplying all the water needs of her tribe. She tells us that boiling the "crocodile creek water" is difficult work and that she makes ten trips in one morning with little to show for it since the others drink it as soon as it's provided. Rodger tells us that he's noticed that Kimmi works harder than anyone else on the team and that she's really worried she's going to be the to go. Kimmi says she doesn't have a bond with anybody, which makes her an easy target, and Alicia says that every task Kimmi does could be easily taken over by someone else. We then see Kimmi performing the very necessary task of applying sunscreen to the male team members. Jeff tells us there's a "battle between Kentucky Joe and Kimmi," not meaning they're fighting, but that they're both in the running for elimination. Kentucky Joe appears to be Rodger's new nickname. Elisabeth tells us she "feels strongly" for Rodger, and it's exactly the same way I feel for Rodger. And she doesn't mean in the "I have feelings" way of the WB teen dramas. Alicia tells us Kentucky Joe might not be strong in the challenges, but that he knows what he's doing. We then cut to a shot of him telling us he's heard where it's best to catch fish, which isn't too different from Debb trying to light a fire from a library book, but we'll just ignore that, 'kay, because Rodger does it so much more adorably. Rodger has found a little heart-shaped rock, which he gives to Elisabeth, telling her to bring it home to her boyfriend with the words, "You just know I care." I want to know that Rodger cares about me! Rodger then tells us he and Elisabeth "just clicked," and Elisabeth tells us his rock gift "just touched [her]." Rodger tells Elisabeth that she's a "sweet little gal" and that her parents should be proud. Alicia informs us in a confessional that Elisabeth has said she won't vote Kentucky Joe off, and that "she protects him." Elisabeth firmly tells us, "I will not spell that man's name," which is completely different from what might be said by some other contestants: "I cannot spell that man's name." (Because that there tricky "d" in "Rodger" sure is confusing.)
At Kucha, Alicia and Jeff go on a "foraging walk." He says he thought about it a lot and wanted to "have her think about the future," which is demonstrative of a pretty substantial ego -- that Jeff needs to "have" people thing about obvious things. They are debating who would be the most valuable to have in the final four and "that [they] could beat." Jeff tells us that they're already committed to each other for the final four, and Alicia says to him in a very unconvincing voice that the "truth of the matter is I feel like you're the only one I can trust at this point." Then Alicia and Jeff come across a big spider web, and I don't think we're supposed to think it's the Jerri spider this time. We have our choice of appropriately spidery competitors. Alicia tells us they're planning "how this thing should go." Jeff then says that Elisabeth can't be in the final four because she'll "definitely make it." Then, they start picking on poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick. They agree that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible "Nick flies under the radar," and Jeff says he doesn't trust him "as far as he can spit, adding that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick "would screw all of us."
Back at camp, poor, deaf, dumb, mute, suddenly visible Nick is also lazy. Jeff asks him for help and poor, deaf, dumb, mute, suddenly visible Nick ignores him and then says he's "zoning out." But then he doesn't offer to help anyway, so good for him. Back in the woods, Alicia tells Jeff that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick is "too secure in his position right now." Jeff tells us that poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick hasn't done much useful work but has instead concentrated his efforts on making a "lovely little" kitchen, chair, and patio. Poor deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick acknowledges that the kitchen serves little purpose but that "it looks good" and "makes people feel comfortable." He also says it looks like he's doing work, but we know no one's buying it. Not even Kimmi. It seems like poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick, Rodger, and Elisabeth are friendly with each other, and wouldn't it be fabulous if these three allied and it was actually a polite and pleasant trip to the final four? Kimmi then tells us that she doesn't see the "necessity in making benches when we need firewood. I think that's not a priority, I think that's a luxury." Jeff says that they need poor, deaf, dumb, mute, invisible Nick because he's one of the strongest ones on the team, but that "when someone in the group has to go, he'll go first."
It's raining at Ogakor, which probably means it's raining at Kucha, too, although we'll never know. We see lots of night-vision shots of uncomfortable Ogakor members, and Keith and Maralyn trying to keep the fire lit in the darkness. Come morning, they're all very tired and Tina tells us it was "pretty miserable." Wet Dog says it poured, and Keith explains that they were up all night trying to keep the fire going. Jerri recharges in her cesspool and tells us that she's a little bothered by the decline in energy. Mitchell says he was so weak walking to get the mail that the trip was "treacherous" for him. I wish he'd said that just a little louder so the others would hear and realize what a dud he is. He goes on to say he thinks he might not even be able to do the challenge, and how much of a wussy is he? The clue for the immunity challenge is about being between a "hard place and a rock" and about being "tied up." Ogakor deduces incorrectly that it has "something to do with rocks," although Lamber gets it right when she jokingly suggests they'll be tied together. Colby tells us he's as tired as he's been the whole seven days he's been there, and that he knows he won't be a strong as he's been in the past, which is still probably twice as strong as any of the other S14.
Peachy tells the competitors that the challenge is "very simple in concept and very tough in execution." It's an obstacle course that involves, among other things, sliding down a "logshoot" into a river and a "sprint across the sand." Peachy announces that this task will take "physical endurance, flexibility, and teamwork," all traits he's proven he has, except for the endurance, flexibility, and teamwork parts. Peachy then announces that each team will be tied together throughout the event and uses one of his favorite catchphrases: "You're only as fast as your slowest member." The camera then zooms in on the immunity idol, which looks like it grew ears, or borrowed Elisabeth's hat. Nick leads the Kucha team. Colby brings up Ogakor's rear, which turns out to be quite literal as he spends most of his time bringing Maralyn's rear up off the ground. Keith, who's up front for Ogakor, looks like he's dying. Seriously, this is by far the most difficult challenge I've seen in either season. The S14 look like Gervase did in the Bungle in the Jungle last season, except they're actually working and not just pretending to be.
Kucha leads as the teams hit the sand sprint, and we see a shot of both teams through fire, which make them look even more desperate...and the resulting smoke inhalation can't help. Rodger falls and can barely get to his feet. Nick tries to help him and for a while I was wondering why no one just picked him up, but really, they all seem as though they can barely support themselves here. This was painful to watch as Rodger's knees keep buckling under -- it looked like a scene from a war movie or something, compounded by the dramatic war movie music playing in the background. Just as Ogakor is about to pass Kucha, Maralyn bites it and Colby can't pick her up in time to save the day. Kucha crosses the finish line first and I heave a giant sigh of relief because my Rodger has immunity for another week, and because he didn't die during the challenge. At this point, Kucha starts celebrating and Ogakor heave themselves about in dismay. Jerri looks around for a cesspool to energize in. Elisabeth does another cheer with an enormous amount of energy, and it's too bad she can't share some of it with Rodger, who keeps insisting that he can't breathe. Kimmi says that, "when it comes to teamwork and heart, Kucha's got it," which I think is true. As the teams leave the challenge, we see members of Kucha, including Elisabeth, Kimmi, and Jeff, alternately helping Rodger back. It'd be pretty cool if Rodger kept up this frail act until he safely made the merger, and then busted out the hardbody behavior. But I'm not holding my breath.
Amber cries as Ogakor heads back to their camp. Maralyn looks resigned and most likely, at this point, she knows she's headed home although she may not know her route will be guided by a Southern "star." Keith tells us that "Mad Dog Maralyn" had a tough time in the challenge, and Mitchell says that had they voted for Mad Dog instead of Kel in the prior challenge, they'd have immunity right now. I'm waiting for Mitchell to find a way to blame that one on Keith. Cowboy says of an unnamed though obviously rabid household pet that "she's ready," and that "she would be very understanding." Tina then says, "We're gonna need Keith," and at first I thought she meant they'd need Keith's vote to get Maralyn off, and then I decided that she meant they need Keith to win more challenges. Tina tells us, "It's sad, but it's also a very strategic move," which clued me in that it's not just Tina's manner of speaking that makes her appear dumb. "A very strategic move?" I thought at this point the vote wasn't going for Mad Dog, since that wouldn't even qualify as a "strategic move," better yet a "very strategic" one. Tina also tells us that everyone is wondering what everyone else is thinking at this point, which seems like a lie since we know she knows what at least four of the others are thinking. Jerri, at least, is honest, and tells us that five of them are voting the same way although she doesn't say for whom. Keith's vote is not going toward Maralyn because, "Why should we lose her? For what? 'Cause she fell a few times? Cause she's older? Why? What kind of team is that?" A crappy one. Keith would rather see Mitchell go, who he says performs just as poorly in the challenges as Maralyn does. We see Keith telling Tina and Colby his plan, after which they thank him and walk away. Keith tells us, "At least with Colby, we could discuss it, probably disagree upon it, and it'll stay with us." If "stay with us" means run to Mitchell and rat Keith out, then by all means he's right. Keith seems a bit naive in all these maneuvers -- I hope I'm wrong about it or he's definitely Jerri's prey. Mitchell seems very disturbed by the thought that anyone could cast a vote against him. He tells us in a choked up voice, "Keith's trying to pull around a swing vote to try to keep me out." He then says, "Why do we want to kick out our fun Maralyn and then keep the pessimist and the back-stabber?" And I can't tell if this is supposed to be Mitchell's opinion, or if he's looking at it from Keith's view. Cowboy tells us, "Keith and Mitchell and Maralyn are neck and neck from Tribal Council." Although it's more like neck and sternum in the case of Maralyn and Mitchell. Or Mitchell and Keith, come to think of it. Seven feet is pretty damn tall.
At tribal council, Peachy tells Ogakor that they're still in the "honeymoon stage." Cowboy tells Peachy it's way too early to determine who can be trusted, and Mitchell says, "The motto is trust no one," but that he has "a lot of faith in a good number of these people." Peachy then calls out Maralyn and asks if the Ogakor members are her "buddies," and she emphatically says "yes" and that she "trust[s] with [her] heart." Bad move with this crew, Mad Dog. Jerri announces that she's been "fortunate in [her] ability to bond" with certain Ogakor members. Of course, it's her cunning "ability" that has allowed her to adapt to being around such losers. She names Amber, Mitchell, and Colby as her friends, who all swoon at the thought of being one of the chosen liquid crap ladelers. Keith says that he has bonded with several people, but he doesn't name any because they're his invisible top-secret friends. Maralyn suddenly busts in with, "Jeff, I'm conjoined with Tina," and really, "conjoined," when describing human beings in the most literal sense, isn't such a good thing. She continues and tells us that Tina is "a constellation." Maralyn then says, "The poor cowboy has dragged me around so many times." Colby throws Mad Dog a bone and says, "I'd do it again." I wondered for a moment here if Maralyn was making this speech to try to win people over, but then I decided it was just her farewell to friends. Poor mistreated Mad Dog. Colby then says that any way the vote goes, Ogakor will be broken up because they're "tight."
Keith votes for Mitchell and says, "It just seems like you're tired." Jerri says, "This is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do right now. It's purely strategic. It's not personal. I am gonna miss you. Dearly." We don't see who she's voting for, but the editing tries to make us think it's Colby by zooming in on his anxious face. Colby votes and looks sad about it. Tina writes "Mad Dog" with a little sad face to it. She takes a deep breath and begins reciting, "Mad Dog, I love you. I value your friendship more than anything. This vote has everything to do with a promise I made, has nothing to do with you. I hope you'll understand." And that so was rehearsed. That's all we see. Peachy leaves to tally the votes. Jerri's name is first, and she smugly smiles because she knows she's not going anywhere. Maralyn gets the second vote and Mitchell the third. Mad Dog gets three more and that's it for Mad Dog. I don't think one player spelled "Maralyn" correctly. Mad Dog gives her Mad Dog hat to Amber, and I'm so wanting my very own Mad Dog paraphernalia. I noticed that Mad Dog doesn't have a bag. Peachy grins and tells Ogakor that the last vote (with Tina's sad face) expresses how they all feel tonight. He dismisses them and heads back to the lodge, because it's two-for-one night on the kangaroo steaks and Foster's.
week on Survivor, Keith and Tina plot against Jerri and hallelujah it's about time! Michael kills something, and Elisabeth cries so hard I wonder if he missed the pig and ended up with a cuddly little koala kabob.
During the credits, Mad Dog thanks Survivor for the experience as we learn that the remaining Ogakor members voted for her, as well. If Maralyn's the dog in this crew, then consider me one too. Woof!