A voice-over announces that "from this tiny Malaysian fishing village, these sixteen Americans are beginning the voyage of a lifetime," and that "this is their story. This is Survivor," as camera shots of indigenous people and animals alternate with a sailboat that looks like a pirate ship. I guess they'll never go hungry on this island; one minute into the premiere and they're generously spreading cheese all over the place.
The credits, full of dramatic music and quick-cut images, try very hard to make me invest in this show. Luckily, they're being shown to me, and being a television disciple, I'll bite. We see photographs and live-action shots of the Surviving Sixteen (S16) wearing their best turmoil faces. Just in case we've forgotten the premise of the show, we're reminded that there are sixteen Survivors, and that the process will take thirty-nine days. You might want to remind me of that again in two minutes, since I might forget.
The narrator appears in the flesh. I can't figure out what he's doing here and I don't understand my already passionate dislike of this man. I think I hate him. Does that mean I want to have sex with him? This is TV-Land, right? He hammers home the up-until-now ambiguous point that there are sixteen Americans (Americans and only Americans, mind you) who will co-exist on the island for thirty-nine days (thirty-nine, you said?). At the end of the thirty-eight days (oops, I meant thirty-nine days, silly me) only one will be left and that person will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Say it in your best Dr. Evil voice and it sounds much better. (And while we're on the subject of Austin Powers, I have to share that for Halloween this year our big dog Pandora was Dogder Evil and our little dog Piglet was Mini-P. Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard? All together now. Awwwww.)
The S16 are given two minutes to salvage various crates and packages from the pirate ship and load them onto a raft. It's self-induced chaos as they shout, push each other, and jump overboard at various times or all at once. The narrator informs us that the contestants have been divided into two teams: the Pagong and the Tagi. He gives first and last names; I'll only give first names with the minor exception of saying Kelly's last name is Wigglesworth and that Susan's last name sounds an awful lot like "Hick."
The Tagi team will always wear orange and consists of Sean, Kelly, Rudy, Sonja, Richard, Susan, Dirk, and Stacey. According to the Survivor website, Sean is a neurologist from Long Island. Kelly is a single river guide from Nevada whose motto is "Bring it on!" Rudy is a retired Navy S.E.A.L. from Virginia Beach; Sonja is a musician from California ["and a cancer survivor" -- Wing Chun]; Richard is a corporate trainer from Newport; Susan is a truck driver from Palmyra, Wisconsin; Dirk is a substitute teacher from Wisconsin; and Stacey is an attorney from San Francisco. Later in the show, a caption notes that Dirk is a farmer. Maybe he's a substitute farmer or a farming teacher. I think they should get their stories straight.
The Pagong team, wearing yellow, is Gervase, Colleen, B.B., Ramona, Greg, Gretchen, Jenna, and Joel. Gervase is a youth basketball couch from Philadelphia. He's "excited beyond belief." Colleen is a college student from Miami; B.B. is a retired contractor from Kansas; Ramona is a biochemist from New Jersey; Greg is a "journeyman" from Colorado; Jenna is a college student from New Hampshire; and Joel is a traveling salesman from Arizona. Although the CBS website says Gretchen is a "homemaker," the credits here list her as a teacher. Don't ask me how they manage to make continuity errors out of real life.
We're tortured through some more self-important proselytizing from the narrator who explains the purpose of the "tribal council," in which a team meets to vote off a member. Except when he says it it takes twice as long and makes it sound like the losers will be executed, not sent off the show to reap the multiple benefits of talk show interviews and book deals. Unless you're Richard, that is, and you end up in jail for child abuse.
Our first glimpse of the Tagi camp: They've hit land and instantly started feuding. In a confessional, Kelly tells us that Rudy "may be seventy-two years old, but this isn't his world." Oh right, Kelly. It's your world, not the world of CBS, producers, camera crews, an audience of millions and editors who are already working to make you The Bitch. Or don't you need any help with that?
Pagong team is still on their raft three hours after "marooning." They finally reach shore and party like it's 1999 or like they think they're on Road Rules. They've completed their mission, now where the hell's the handsome reward? Ramona, who was in some obvious angst on the raft tells us in a confessional that she doesn't like the water: "I'm used to being in a lab with my lab coat on in the air-conditioning, but this is like outdoors, twenty-four seven." I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to be a biochemist.
At the Tagi camp, Rudy wants organization, Richard wants the conch, and someone wants to pee. Richard perches up in a tree and talks psycho-babble teamwork gibberish to Susan, a self-proclaimed redneck (and a literal Hick) who disses his corporate ways and proclaims, Action, man. Action, Richard. Let me just say for the record that I am opposed to the idea of seeing Richard engaged in any sort of action. Richard lamely comes back with, Yeah, but you don't want to act ahead. Whatever that means. Stuck up in the tree like that he reminds me of the Cheshire Cat, complete with the riddling and the shit-eating grin. In the confessional he says, "I've got the million-dollar check written already. I mean, I'm the winner." Oh, and Richard, watch your back on the way out, okay? I don't like him and neither does Dirk. How do I know? He tells me. He tells us all. I don't believe the camera crew favors Richard either. There's one too many shot of him preening himself up in the tree like a chimpanzee. (And no offense is intended for all you chimps out there.) I half expected him to pick a bug off his head and eat it. Oh right, I saw scenes from the episode; the bug-eating happens week.
The commercial tells us to look who's coming to CBS. I never realized Paul Sorvino was a drawing point for the masses.
Back at Tagi camp, they're unpacking their loot. They find corn, biscuits, a frying pan, life jackets, a team flag, and some other random stuff. Pity the camp whose crateload of condoms sunk. Maybe there will be a challenge for them later. Or maybe not. One can only hope. Richard remains riddling up in his tree; he wants a congregation but they're not having it. He finally jumps off the log and the camera gets a hysterical shot of him wobbling as he lands, maybe two feet down. There are various shots of disgusted Tagi as Richard preaches teamwork. Sean is good-natured, isn't he? Awwww. And a doctor too, my mother might note. ["And cute as all get-out." -- Wing Chun] The Tagi team starts to work together; I think we're supposed to feel joyous about this judging by the jubilant-sounding music.
Pagong team finds a map and B.B. and Ramona go off in search of water, since Ramona likes to drink, it not swim in it. B.B. says "warsh" instead of "wash." Tee. Hee. When they find the water supply, B.B. jokingly suggests that since only they have the map and know where the water is, they should tell no one else and thus cannot be voted off. Sounds like a plan to me. This is about survival, right? They should at least be hoarding some of it. Of course, there's always the cold running water at the hotel where the crew stays. Back at camp, Pagong gets to know each other. B.B. talks about his forty-five-year old wife and Viagra. Raise your hand if you didn't need to know that. Later, we are treated to some lovely night-vision shots of rats crawling near sleeping bodies and in their food supply. Who needs to go all the way to Malaysia when they can have the same thing right here in Baltimore?
The morning of Day Two finds Rudy talking about the problem with kids these days. (Note Theme One: The Generation Gap.) Rudy comments, "Trying to keep 'em all shut up is hard." Try, Rudy. Please try. We see shots of Rudy doing push-ups and military-like activities. The young Tagi are doing yoga and tai chi. No joke. Sean reveals his pierced nipple to Susan. He thinks he's "edgy." Susan is hacking her knotted hair off with a knife. Hey! She stole that from Buffy! Sonja has already hurt herself from "thrashing around like [she's] fifteen." I'm so glad they didn't show the thrashing, and in what sense do most fifteen-year-olds thrash anyway? My new boyfriend Sean uses his medical training to patch her up. Dirk tries to cut through a log and Richard offers up a big fat serving of the usual: useless help. Sonja and her ukelele perform a little ditty about Prozac. Richard watches and tries to look supportive but we all know he made his overweight ten-year-old run up a hill at 4 AM, don't we? Richard baits some fish traps with rats. Ew.
Back at Pagong, they say they've been hearing clicking sounds all night. Must be the Blair Rat. B.B. is irritated that the others aren't helping him set up camp; he's working his sixty-four-year-old butt off while the others lounge and frolic around. Gretchen, my girl, earnestly goes to help him and humors his obvious inability to accept or acknowledge help from a woman. (And turn your attention now to Theme Two: The Gender Gap.) B.B. insists that he never gets burned out and claims he likes working as a hobby. Well, unless he lists having a heart attack as his favorite pastime, he needs to SLOW DOWN. Gretchen talks to him as she might to one of her elementary school students, and he continues to bluster and slur his words. I don't think B.B.'s ever had an anger-management class. He calls Gretchen a sweetheart in a belittling sort of way. I call her sweetheart in a wholly good way. B.B. has his problems, but I don't want to watch him have a stroke on national television. (And is sunscreen provided or fought for by the S16? B.B. is sporting quite the lobster belly.)
Apparently, the best dramas are on CBS and Nash Bridges is among them. Who knew?
When we return from the commercial, we find that Pagongers B.B. and Gretchen have built a fire using his eyeglasses. B.B. says Gretchen made it happen, but you know he takes the credit for having the foresight to require glasses in the first place.
Over at the Tagi camp, Susan is getting hungry. In a confessional she claims, "That first hot meal might be rat soup, which I'm, like, looking forward to. Very much. Because there's nothing wrong with a rat. All a rat is is a squirrel with a bushy tail." And we all know how much we love eating squirrel. Dirk and Richard try trying to make a fire; well, Dirk tries, and Richard just watches. Stacey is, literally, a bump on a log. The cameras show a plump spider skittering towards her ass. I really want it to bite her. Sean must be delusional from hunger; he gives a convoluted confessional about needing fire to catch fish which they would then cook with the fire, and if they'd had the fire, they could have sat around the bonfire. Did Sean go to medical school in the Caribbean? And wouldn't you at the very least have learned how to light a fire if you were going on this show?
The narrator, who looks like The Professor, appears again and shows us the teams' treemail. I feel inferior in light of such crafty wordplay. His name, we are told, is Jeff Probst, as if we care. There's going to be a challenge for fifty waterproof matches and immunity from the tribal council, which basically means the team that wins is guaranteed fire and a few more days in each other's lovely company.
Each team treks onto the beach, where an elaborately constructed and ridiculously stupid obstacle course awaits them. Is Jeff Probst extremely self-important or is it just me? He makes them all touch their life on the island, the immunity idol. How very Bradys Go To Hawaii. And how'd he get away with removing it from the construction site, anyway? Each team has a raft and a bunch of torches to light. I refuse to encourage further such events by providing more details. Jeff whines, in his best "I'm serious now guys," voice, "Don't put me in the position of having to make a judgment call. I don't want to. There s too much at stake." Um, okay Jeff.
Coverage of the challenge consists of underwater shots of feet running and flailing. Snore. Halfway through, the teams are even. As they're rising up from the water to begin the beach portion of the torch lighting, Sonja wipes out and the rest of the Tagi end up dragging her dead weight. Pagong takes the lead. At one point, Jenna looks like she's about to light Greg's hair on fire. The Tagi team manages to catch up at the last minute but then they end up losing anyway. The narrator materializes and pitches his spiel once again. As we go to credits, the cameras alternate between the celebrating Pagongs and the dejected Tagi. The dramatic music rises. This goes on for a very long time. I guess they ran out of nibbling rat footage.
Tagi Day Three. Dirk prefers the company of the Lord to that of his fellow tribesmen. He ecstatically reads the Bible and gets a little too excited about it, if you ask me. Rudy says of Richard in a confessional, "He's fat, but he's good." One out of two isn't bad, Rudy. We learn that the S16 have to pack all their stuff every time a tribal council occurs. How irritating for them. Sonja is particularly chatty this morning; in a confessional, she says she feels responsible. She should. Stacey tells the camera that she feels secure about the vote, that she and Kelly and Sue have come to a "mutual decision" and that Rudy is their choice. Stacey doesn't appear to me to have made an independent decision in her life, so "mutual" is an interesting way to put it. Sue later snarks, "The chicks think I'm voting for one person and I'm not." Sue catapults herself to the position of my favorite Tagi.
As the group heads off to tribal council, Jeff Probst is waiting for them, prancing about the prehistoric set of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Dum. Dum. Dum. He explains that There will be a vote. Someone is going home. Really, I hadn't gotten that yet.
Each Tagi gets a lit torch, which they get to take with them when they leave. (And doesn't this totally moot the fifty-match victory for the Pagongs?) Before taking the vote, Mr. Probst wants to talk; he and Richard would be good friends. Sonja lamely says she'll fight to the finish, except everyone knows she didn't last night.
Each member is to enter the voting confessional, write down a name, and "speak [their] piece." Susan goes first: she votes for Sonja and says, "I remove the weakest link in the group." Reasonable woman. Richard votes for Stacey: "Tough call. Subtle Reasons. Not sure exactly what they are." Maybe we can be friends after all. Kelly says of Rudy, "He's an ornery guy. For a Navy S.E.A.L., he doesn't know how to start a fire." My point exactly. But let me stray here for a minute and say if Kelly doesn't end up voting for Stacey in the few weeks, I'll be very surprised. Rudy votes for Sonja because she lost the first challenge. He'd know, he was right behind her picking up the slack. Sonja votes for Rudy. She says, "I"ll miss his skills and his speaking his mind openly." At first I thought this was very sweet. But then I thought that "the chicks" probably approached her too, so she voted for Rudy to protect her own ass. We don't see how everyone votes; I'm irritated.
I'll spare you Jeff Probst's condescending speech and get right into the votes, which he reads very slowly. They probably make him read the names like this, but it's as though he has to digest and translate the information and as though it actually affects him when we all know it doesn't, because he'll be returning to his cozy hotel room tonight regardless of who's homeward bound. It's three for Rudy and three for Sonja before the last vote is read. I'll admit, this is very suspenseful. When Sonja's name is called, Jeff proclaims, "The tribe has spoken," and snuffs out her torch. I'm not sure this was intended to have a comic effect. Sonja wears a beatific smile and urges the group, "Go, get 'em." The remaining Tagi are dismissed as the oh-so-bittersweet chanting begins, and they march off with their torches.
As the credits roll, we get our last glimpse of Sonja. The produces resolve my irritation by showing us how every Tagi voted. I guess they kept us in the dark earlier to create suspense. Rudy, Sean, Dirk, and Susan voted for Sonja. Richard voted for Stacey. Kelly, Stacey, and Susan voted for Rudy. Perhaps as a testament to the stupidity of the entire team, not a single one voted for Richard.