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Survivor TV Show - A Chapera Surprise - Survivor Recaps, Survivor Reviews, Survivor Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by Miss Alli · Aired 2004-04-29

By Miss Alli

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Previously on The Lonely Gloat Herd: Shii Ann realized that she, as a person with no allies or friends, was slightly outgunned by a solid alliance of six people. She decided that her "best chance" was to "stir it up." Of course, the stirring might have worked better if it had been accompanied by some strategic approach other than "please save my ass, oh benevolent Boston sleazehound," but Shii Ann does not specialize in strategy, no matter what you've heard. From, you know, her. Rupert won a reward challenge because, ironically, he was the last person to get his face smashed in. Maybe that's only ironic to me. This put him in charge of assigning meals to the group in order of how much he liked everyone. I mean, he could have done it another way, but obviously, it's Rupert, and he's going to do it in order of how much he likes everyone. And, of course, he will save for himself the biggest slice of "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" cake. Alicia got her pert little nose out of joint when the rest of the tribe suggested that she didn't deserve to be an All-Star, by which they meant, "We don't like you." Jenna chose to take it more in stride when the tribe called her the one who never shuts up. By which they meant, "We don't like you." Shii Ann tried to convince the members of a six-person alliance that they needed her to win, and they failed to see how that would be the case. Unfortunately, Shii Ann won immunity, meaning that we would all be subjected to her behavior for another week, which is about the way her tribe felt about it. She was shocked to find that even having won immunity, she was still treated as largely irrelevant as the former Chaperans pondered the best way to begin chipping at their own tribe. Because she never formed particularly strong sub-alliances, and because she ultimately let the bad side of her personality dominate, Alicia took the hit at tribal council and Chaboga Mogo sent her home. By which they meant, "We still don't like you." Only six people are left. Will Shii Ann win immunity, or will she finally be banished? Oh, one can only hope.

Credits. It's very strange, looking at everyone who started this game and the people who have made it this far. It's just not the configuration of folks you might have predicted. Hell, it's not the configuration of folks I did predict, so I guess...you know, I guess I won't be making my fortune playing the ponies.

Chaboga Mogo, Day 31. Jenna comments on what a nice day it is, and a pretty bird with lovely blue and green feathers preens prettily in a tree, then says back to her, "Tweet!

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Jenna opens a coconut around the fire and says that she's preparing two of them. She says she's not having plantains on this particular day, so if Shii Ann wants plantains, she can make them herself. Unsurprisingly, this is where Shii Ann interviews that she's "really tired of Jenna." And, apparently, of Jenna's refusal to prepare food to order on demand like a short order cook. ("Adam and Eve on a raft! No, not you, Rob and Amber!") Shii Ann goes on to say that Jenna is a bitch, blah dee blah, as we watch Jenna preparing food and Shii Ann -- you guessed it -- sitting on her ass. If they ever make a Shii Ann doll, it's not even going to need legs that extend. They can save a lot of money on manufacturing by making the legs perma-bent and still achieve a high level of historical accuracy. She sits around the fire! She sits out challenges! She sits sketching a schematic diagram for a bamboo dumbwaiter! Shii Ann also treats us to her opinion that Jenna is "bossier than anybody else on this tribe." Which may very well be true, but again, Shii Ann would have long ago withered to a dried-out husk if somebody hadn't taken some initiative with regard to food, so she might want to be a bit more measured in her incessant complaining. Anyway, Jenna drives Shii Ann crazy. Yeah. Which is kind of the pot calling the kettle a giant pain in the much-sat-upon ass, I guess.

A crab comes crawling out of its little sand hole, looks around for John Ashcroft, and makes a run for the border. Just then, Rupert returns to camp carrying a string of fish. He gripes that he realized nobody was jumping up to help him clean fish, and I would point out for the sake of what's about to occur that, just as she will later point out, Jenna is sitting and tending a pan of plantains at the time Rupert comes by with the fish, and she seems to be doing a "stirring constantly" thing. He complains, at any rate, that people want to eat fish, but that they don't clean fish, so he decided he would just clean one for himself. "I'm feeling used and abused," he says, which I can totally understand, because it's not like he's spent the last four weeks running around like the biggest dork at a Boy Scout Jamboree, educating everyone about the use of the spear and trying to teach them that he is the king of fishing. Oh, wait. He did. Honestly, it's hard to understand how Rupert can fail to see how ridiculous this is, but he often strikes me that way, so I suppose I should just get used to it. In the interview, Rupert implies that not only is he not cleaning any additional fish, but that he isn't giving any of the ones he caught to anyone else, because he claims that the only fish anyone else gets is one that he or she caught and cleaned personally. Whatever. I badly need to see him crushed like a bug. I have been putting up with him since last fall. This is my twenty-third episode involving Rupert, and that doesn't count reunions and clip shows. If I wanted to watch the same grungy dipshits for twenty weeks, I would be recapping something from Bunim-Murray, now wouldn't I?

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Around the fire, Jenna comments that they usually each have the opportunity to eat a fish, apparently noticing that Rupert has only cleaned one fish and is eating it himself. "If everybody gutted one, they'd be all done," Rupert snots, happy finally to have the opportunity to make his point about wishing people could help him clean fish. It's good that he did it in this roundabout way, because apparently, his lips and tongue were paralyzed, which prevented him from just opening his yap and saying, "You guys, could you help me clean the fish over here?" Also, that would be too easy. ["Also, are there six knives that would allow for tribe-wide simultaneous gutting? And also, has it not occurred to Rupert that the time to start acting like an asshole about the fish is maybe not, like, seconds before the decision gets made as to who goes to the final four? He really just never learns, does he?" -- Wing Chun] Jenna interviews that Rupert is indeed the one who does the fishing, because he's a big guy and he can do it without dying. She claims that she would be literally dashed on the rocks if she went fishing, and while that's probably an exaggeration, it's also one that most likely originates with the PR that Rupert gives himself. Rupert has always wanted the fishing job, to the point where he has in fact made it clear that when other people go fishing, he can feel his penis shrinking the entire time, so it makes perfect sense that the task has been left to him, lest he be left with the indignity of having to pee sitting down. Jenna comments that it felt like "a slap in the face" for him to clean one fish for himself while she was back cooking food for everybody. She also says, entirely correctly, that apparently Rupert thinks the time she's cooking something other than fish, she should make only enough for herself. And that's why you can't go down this road -- this isn't how group living in camp works. It's perfectly legitimate to bitch if other people don't do anything, but the fact of the matter is that Rob and Amber and Tom were doing just fine in the tribe they lived in long before Rupert arrived. They're perfectly willing to work. They built a shelter that didn't practically kill them, after all. Rupert's judging it task-to-task -- "They didn't help me with this, so they don't get any of this" -- is just stupid, although it's a very Rupert thing to do. And not just because it's stupid. Actually, I think the big show on the Disney Channel is going to be called That's So Rupert, and it's going to make narcissists the big thing.

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Rupert and Jenna have a follow-up chat in private, in which she tells him that she didn't really appreciate his maneuver there. He tells her that anybody who wants a fish can go gut one and put it on the fire. Jenna explains that he's the guy who can handle the fishing, so that's why they ask him to do it. "How many fish have you cleaned?" Rupert asks, sure that he's got her cornered. "I've cleaned a lot," she says simply. Apparently without a snappy comeback to this highly unexpected answer, he rather preposterously asks her to account for the rest of the group: "How many have they cleaned? None!" Jenna points out that he shouldn't take out his frustrations about people who don't work on the people who do, but Rupert just doesn't make that distinction at all. All Rupert sees is himself on one side, noble and perfect and gleaming and dumb like a polished brass doorknob, and everyone else on the other side, inadequate and unappreciative and maneuvering rings around him. It's the same obnoxious, self-important view of the universe Rupert's been working since day one, so it's probably time for me to stop being surprised. I'll try. Jenna tries to explain that she's not speaking for other people, she's only speaking for herself. Rupert interviews: "My little Jenna...had the nerve...to bitch at me about putting one of my fish on the grill...she's just getting really a pain in the ass, and I'm very sorry that I have an alliance with her." Yeah. "My little." Among other things, Rupert is a rampaging sexist, and I have seriously had enough of those comments. "My little" this, and "little mama" that...get a new routine, asshole. Jenna wasn't bitching at you for putting a fish on the fire. She was explaining, quite calmly, that she doesn't think it's fair for you to do a passive-aggressive dance to punish her for things that she's not even responsible for, and she was pointing out that in a camp setting, all the work is shared. And she's exactly, entirely right, and you are not her daddy, or her boss, or her moral superior, so Shut. Up. A. Lot.

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Rupert goes back to camp and tattles to everybody else that Jenna got mad at him for putting a fish on the fire. Which of course isn't remotely true, but I'm sure he doesn't make the distinction, and it's not like he's going to feel guilty about lying his ass off. Shii Ann, seeing the opportunity to suck up, goes on and on about how she understands that he doesn't have to share anything if he doesn't want to, including any of "those fishes." Yeah, those are the reflections of Shii Ann. The same Shii Ann who has happily eaten food and slept in shelters prepared by other people since the day she got here, and who has furthermore taken every possible opportunity to sit out challenges and take all her strategic advice from others. I normally think this show is too dumb for irony, but it almost qualified, since she's the biggest mooch in the entire game, and now she's going to get all "I understand about self-determination." I don't think so. "Shii Devil has some tricks up her sleeves," she interviews, trying to appear menacing. And as the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out, if there's anything more obnoxious than referring to yourself in the third person, it's referring to yourself in the third person using a nickname. And if there's anything more obnoxious than referring to yourself in the third person using a nickname, it's referring to yourself in the third person using a nickname that you made up. Welcome, Shii Ann, to being the same person as "Jonny Fairplay." I wish the two of you a long and happy life of putting each other in headlocks. The good news? I don't care who wins; I just want the match to be really, really lengthy.

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We move to a clearing where the castaways arrange themselves on a couple of benches. Jeff tells them that this is a reward challenge, and they figured that, this time, they'd show them what the reward was before they explained the challenge. "Amber," he says, "here's your mom, Cheryl." Amber's mouth drops open, and then she and Jenna cover their mouths with both hands in unison, which is kinda funny. Amber cries at the sight of her mom. She runs down and hugs Mom, who looks like your basic mom, and who actually jumps up onto Amber when they embrace. There is crying. up is Rob's brother Mike, who accuses Rob of losing weight and says that he himself is on the South Beach Diet. Hee. Wait, those are the ones who do hate potatoes, but don't think bacon is a health food, right? I'm learning to tell them apart. Rob gives Mike a surprisingly big and demonstrative smooch. And up is Shii Ann's mom, Lily. Shii Ann goes into a long wail, "Ohhhhh, nooooo, Mooooooom" that sounds kind of like a busted siren. They hug. Wait till you see her going, "Stupid, stupid people," Mom. You're gonna be all kinds of proud. Crying, crying. up is Bucky Bo, Big Tom's boy. They hug, sorta, and they talk, sorta, but of course, trying to actually understand them is essentially hopeless. Jenna jumps up and down at the sight of her brother. He assures her that everything's good and everybody's fine.

"Is that everybody?" Jeff teases, making the whole thing into the Rupert Show AGAIN, and Jenna -- whom Rupert has been an asshole to all morning -- is the first to bellow, "No, Laura!" I give her a lot of credit for that. He treated Jenna like crap, and she still rooted for him like they were friends. I have a feeling she's a reasonably good person, even though I admit she can be very irritating. Laura emerges, and of course she and Rupert make out for, like, ten minutes, which is fine, but which didn't come off to me as a genuine impulse as much as it did Rupert showing off. Seriously. I'm sure that he loves his wife, but I don't think that display was about anything other than drawing attention to himself. It's not enough to love his wife; he has to love his wife more than they love their relatives. You can tell he really wants to turn to Amber or somebody, all, "Let's see you do that with your mom." Note again that Jenna is the happiest, and the most excited for Rupert, and the most obviously moved on his behalf, out of all the tribemates. I don't think he deserves to have friends, but it's nice that she hasn't deserted his hairy, judgmental ass. Jeff finally sends Laura off to stand with the rest of the relatives.

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Jeff explains the challenge. It is a gross-food challenge, made up of dishes from past seasons. And in each round, one person will be eliminated. Oh, and it's not the castaways who are going to be eating -- it's the relatives. The winner will get an overnight visit with his or her loved one. Jeff makes a big deal of how that could "refill your tank" in preparation for the big victory. In this case, your tank may be refilled with recycled bug parts, but that's only if there's kissing.

The challenge starts with a big fish head on every loved one's plate. The rules are that the last person to finish is eliminated. And here's what he says: "You need to show me an empty mouth. Once I say okay, you're good. You can take a drink of water after that. Everything's got to go down." So yes, he implies that you shouldn't drink water until you're cleared, but he should have said that more unambiguously. You could easily hear that speech and think he's just saying that being cleared marks the end of your performance for that round, and you can kick back and drink some water, but that it's not a drop-dead no-water rule up to that point. He should have clarified that better, no question about it. Am I critiquing Jeff Probst for accuracy? I need an aspirin.

The fish head goes down reasonably smoothly for most, although Lily is the first to look as if her throat is giving her a hearty "Um, no." She rallies, though, and winds up being second only to Jenna's brother -- is it Jai? It appears to be something like "Jai." Bucky Bo and Laura finish . It comes down to Mike and Cheryl. Mike wins, so Amber's mom has to go home. Bye, Amber's mom. Mom apologizes to Amber, and Amber affectionately says, "This way, you don't have to eat anything else!" Cheryl leaves, blowing big kisses.

The round is the flying cockroaches. I firmly believe that at some point in my life, I will be called upon to say, "Bring on the flying cockroaches!," and I only hope that you are around to witness it. Jai and Bucky Bo pretty much swallow the cockroaches whole. I don't think they're missing out, since I don't think cockroach has a reputation as something you need to allow to massage your palate in order to appreciate it fully. Laura's to finish. Mike again bests the ultimate loser as he comes out a bite or so ahead of Lily, so Shii Ann's mom has to go home, too. I have to say, it almost looks like Lily leaves with a mouth full of partially chewed cockroach, and I hope that's not the case. That's not the way you want to leave your mom, even if you don't like her. Spit, Lily, spit!

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And now, things are getting ugly. "This is fafaru," Jeff says, and Rob's face drops like a rock as a plate is carried past him toward the relatives. This is the famous fish that's been aged outside in the sun for three days -- the one they ate in Marquesas. "Don't smell it, Mike," Rob advises, and Mike plugs his nose. And just like in Marquesas, you have to eat it with your hands behind your back, which I think may very well specifically be so that you can't hold your nose. This stuff is obviously very vile, but I guess it also must be true that there are people who eat it on purpose, or it wouldn't be considered food. Of course, there are also people who eat lutefisk voluntarily, and there are some similarities there that you really don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about, or you will have trouble ever eating fish again without imagining what it would be like as a jelly. Bucky Bo is the first to survive the fafaru. Jai is . Mike comes in second to last again as he beats Laura, so Rupert will not be continuing his makeout session with his wife on night vision, which I think is probably a very good thing for all of us. Laura leaves. Goodbye, Laura. You mystify me, mostly by existing.

up, tarantulas. They're cooked, so they're not bad for you. Hey, it's fair -- I'm similarly demanding about chicken. You don't want your tarantula to contain something suspect. Halfway through his tarantula, Jai goes for a glass of water. Jeff calls a foul. He reminds them that they can't drink until afterward, and Jai protests, still with spider in his mouth, that he never heard this. Bucky Bo, apparently going for some kind of merit badge as the apple-polisher in the group, says that he heard it. Oh, shut up, geek. So it's down to Bucky Bo and Mike.

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And the last food? Grubs. Which, of course, are alive. As he did with the cockroach, Bucky Bo basically swallows it whole, and Mike never has a chance. Bo and Mike have suffered so much together during this challenge that they even give each other the gladiator's back-slap hug. "You're a sick kid," Mike says. HA! Mike is sent off into the woods, where he will be eaten by giant monkeys. Or put on a bus to a hotel, possibly. So Big Tom and Bucky Bo are the winners. Jeff explains to them that the former Camp Chapera has been made up nicely, and they'll be retiring there for the night. Not only that, but they get to take one other person and his or her relative with them. It falls to Big Tom to choose somebody else. "Rupert," Jenna suggests pleadingly, as Amber points to Rupert as well. But Big Tom picks Boston Rob. So Mike is called back (too bad, giant monkeys!), and these four guys are seriously going to be having some fun, as Jeff points out. Hugging ensues. Rupert looks on miserably. How dare they do this? Whose show do they think this is?

When we return from commercials, Tom and Bucky Bo are strolling into the refurbished Chapera camp, followed by Rob and Mike. When they get there, they find beer and pizza, so that's going pretty well. At least, I would find it auspicious. Rob calls the pizza "the best thing [he's] tasted in the last thirty-one days." They share a "to friends and family" toast. Big Tom interview that he had a good time seeing his son. "I wish it had been his mother, or...my neighbor's sister, after I seen what a romantic settin' it was," he says, seeming to be almost surprised at the end to hear himself openly lusting after second-degree acquaintances right here on TV. I suspect the neighbor's sister is surprised as well. I hope he only has one neighbor with one sister, or there could be some very uncomfortable moments, assuming any of the relevant parties actually made out what he said. Big Tom goes on to say that he could have picked Rupert, but he couldn't have stood to see him and Laura together all night. "I never seen a man slobber over a woman like he did his wife. They was slobbers hangin' down in his beard." Someday, if they make me queen, I'm giving Big Tom a medal for the line, "They was slobbers hangin' down in his beard." He might be knighted.

Rob asks Big Tom what he thinks everybody is doing back at camp. Big Tom speculates that Amber is "gettin' high on life or gettin' low on the ground," as we watch Amber lie on her back sunbathing. It sounds like he says Rupert is probably "kissin' the [something] of his harpoon," as we watch Rupert fishing. "Jenna's runnin' that mouth like a bell clapper, and Shii Ann's tryin' to make an alliance with a bush, 'cause she's tried everybody else." Hee. What he doesn't realize, of course, is that Shii Ann would actually expect the bush to come to her first and tell her what to do. He and Rob chuckle.

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Night falls at Boy Lout Camp. Mike and Bucky Bo try out the Chapera swing, as the Unsteady Music of Intoxication plays. They sing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," kind of, although they sing it like it's an Irish drinking song, which...not so much, really. Rob admits that the four of them "partied hah-d." He also says that this was just what he needed to finish his game. Late in the proceedings and with everyone probably righteously sloshed, the boys separate into family pairs. Tom tells Bucky Bo that the key to his game is getting Rob to hang on to their alliance. Meanwhile, Rob is telling Mike that his "first and foremost" alliance is with Amber. Tom tells Bo that he needs to get Rob to keep him. Rob tells Mike the story of Lex keeping Amber at Rob's request. "The dumb-ass actually kept her, and then I snaked him," he laughs. Mean and awful, but...true. Tom tells Bo he thinks that he and Rob might come in first and second, and that's the deal they've always had. Sigh. Tom does not adequately fear the hypnotic effect of the floral bikini. Rob tells Mike again that Amber is his "solid," and although Mike cautions him not to bank on her, Rob says that it's too late -- he's committed to that strategy, and he's confident that Amber won't "switch" on him. "Big Tom, though? I don't trust him as far as I can throw him." Which, of course, isn't very far. Because Big Tom is a whole different kind of "solid."

Back at camp on Day 32, the boat returns the four men to camp, where Jenna and Amber greet them. Rupert crows that when they got back, the boys were put to work gathering wood and whatnot. "He knows what work is," Tom says of Bo. "He's used to it." He compares Bo favorably to Rob and Mike, who didn't do anything around camp except sit around and yap. Rupert takes Bo out spear fishing. Rupert pontificates that he "protect[s] the spears," and then rather hilariously suggests that you might not know that, because he doesn't talk about it. Doesn't talk about it! About his grip on the spears! Doesn't! Talk about it! Yes, I've often said Rupert needs to stop holding back when it comes to his love of fishing in general and his unhealthy fixations on the fishing equipment in particular. So Rupert and Bo go out, both taking spears with them. Rupert growls that he looked over at one point and saw that the head of Bo's spear was gone. They return to shore, and Big Tom is mortified to learn that Bo lost part of the spear. Rupert says he's not all that concerned about it, because, he says, "I've got my spear that is now going to be considered mine." By whom? Who says it's Rupert's? "They want to keep eatin'," he says ominously, "They let me use the damn spear." Just try to put that together with his whining about how the only fish anybody else gets to eat is the one they caught and cleaned on their own. It's just not possible, believe me. He needs a poke in the eye worse than anyone. And for that, they will need to make sure they have at least one of the spears left.

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Rob interviews with a grin that while Tom is pretty dumb, Bo is even dumber. And I hate to say it, but I...kind of see what he's talking about. Then it's time for the boys to go, because their boat has arrived. In an interview, Mike says that there are only seven days to go, and that he expects that there's going to be "a lot of sneaky activity." Bo, meanwhile, speculates that Big Tom "will fight to the end." The boat takes the guys. Tom yells something as a farewell that sounds like, "Hoo-ja-ged-ja-hoocha-mama," but that's probably not what he said. Maybe it's Latin for "Say hi to our neighbor's sister for me."

After another round of commercials, we return to Chaboga Mogo, where a sloth is -- you guessed it -- moving slowly. Dig him, he's out proving the validity of clichéd metaphors. Rob and Big Tom go to fetch some treemail, which comes attached to a little bucket, and doesn't seem to say much about the challenge except that there will be fire-building and something with buckets. Shii Ann interviews that she knows she's "still a huge target." She says she knows that if she doesn't win immunity, she might be to go. Yeah, might. Nothing gets by Shii Ann. Feel free to hire her as your security guard. She will perceive every danger, except the guy dressed in black with the crowbar, lockpick kit, brass knuckles, night-vision goggles, and sign reading "I AM A ROBBER," because Shii Ann will busy be telling everyone how she figured out that he might be up to no good while he's busy emptying the vault.

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The contestants all converge on the immunity challenge. Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Shii Ann, who of course has to make a little comment about how she "hate[s] to part with it." Jeff says that this challenge will test the players' ability to make fire quickly and keep it going. The game is that you build fire in one bucket on the down end of a seesaw. Then you run back and forth filling the other bucket with water. This will make the seesaw tip, and will send your bucket of fire into the air. When the bucket of fire rises, it should light a fuse and ignite a wok. However, they have a limited number of matches to use on their fires, and the bucket of water has a hole in it, so they'll have to balance running back for more water with tending their fire. They draw numbers for their positions, and the challenge starts. Not Shii Ann! Not Shii Ann!

Rupert gets his fire started, followed by Big Tom, and they go for water. Rob gets his fire started and goes for water. Jenna gets fire going, and then Shii Ann does (boooo!). Amber is last. Sigh. Rob gets his fire bucket to rise first, but his fire isn't strong enough to light the fuse, so he has to start over. You have to really hope the guy is able to avoid seeing that as any metaphorical "Yeah, you can get it in the air, but can you make it do anything" kind of situation, because how depressing would that be? Big Tom's bucket slowly empties, and Shii Ann's fire goes out, so we're pretty much dead even, basically starting again. Rob, however, runs himself out of matches and has nothing lit, so he's out. Amber runs out of matches , and it isn't clear to me that she ever got a fire going at all. Again, perhaps a depressing metaphor for her. Rupert's out of matches. Jenna's out of matches. So we're looking at...Shii Ann and Big Tom. Oh, please, Big Tom. I can't take it if I have to watch Shii Ann for another week. Tom gets a nice big fire going, and although Shii Ann ultimately gets hers going as well, Tom is substantially ahead of her, and he gets the bucket to tip. Big! Tom! Big! Tom! Big! Tom! His wok ignites. Yaaaay! Immunity for Big Tom, and not for Shii Ann. Interestingly, Big Tom chooses not to walk over to Shii Ann, poke his hat at her, and yell, "Take that!" Which he should have done. Actually, they should all have done that in unison. Big Tom gets the immunity necklace. Jeff tells the group that tribal council will take place later this evening, and he sends them back to camp.

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Speaking of back at camp, when they get there, Big Tom is doing one of his little dances that would be a lot funnier if they didn't all remind me of "Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead!" Because that really wasn't that funny.

And now, we enter one of the many segments in which Shii Ann attempts to sound smart. She says the tribe dynamics are "interesting," and that if anybody wants to take a power position, they'll need her as a swing vote. No, dear. There are six people, geddit? Rob/Amber/Rupert/Jenna certainly do not need you to "take a power position," as they are aiming for the final four, and they don't have much motivation to change that plan. Tom certainly does not need you, because if Tom just boots you and waits a week, then he may very well become a swing vote himself. You are not a "swing vote." You are cannon fodder. Think, "BOOM!," dear. And now we see that, in fact, Shii Ann has no plan, because her first move is to approach Big Tom and ask him to go to Rob and Amber about voting out Jenna. This is so dumb, because none of these people is going to see any advantage in voting out Jenna that they don't get from voting out Shii Ann. Why would Rob or Amber vote out someone who's proved herself to be an ally? Shii Ann's only shot here was to convince Tom, Rupert, and Jenna that the power pair of Rob and Amber had to be broken up. That was all she could do, and she didn't have the stones to do it. Targeting Jenna just reveals that, again, Shii Ann can't strategize, because she's crippled by her own pettiness. Just as last week, she didn't get together with Alicia or Jenna because she was busy gloating, she now wants to target Jenna, even though that's not going to work, just because Jenna is the person she doesn't like.

Anyway, Big Tom agrees that he'd rather vote for Jenna, but he points out that he doesn't have the ability to make that happen. He tells her that he's in the same position she is, and if she wants Jenna out, she can damn well pursue it herself. Big Tom certainly is the hero of the week, I think. Big Tom interviews that he does in fact want Jenna gone, because he thinks that there's a chance that Rob and Amber will team up with her and put him out of the game. Of course, because it's Big Tom, it comes out like, "Duuhruuuhorflafly."

Shii Ann's move is to approach Rupert and tell him that Big Tom wants to vote Jenna out. "Yeah, he hates Jenna," Rupert says, missing the point as usual. Rupert goes on to say that he doesn't care who goes, as long as it's not him. Rupert says that if Shii Ann can get "them" (presumably Rob and Amber) to vote Jenna off, he'll go along. But, presumably, he's not going in for a three-on-three tie. And this is why, despite the fact that a two-person alliance seems small, the Rob-Amber alliance is in fact huge at this point. Because by the time you have six people, you need four votes to ensure that you vote somebody off. And if you have a two-person alliance you can't break into and you have a third person as your target, you can't do it. Which, again, is why Shii Ann's best shot was to choose Rob or Amber as her target, not Jenna. She's just not thinking. She thinks she is, but she isn't. She interviews that she's trying to get some kind of an alliance going, because "each one of them is planning to take a knife out and stab the other in the back." So what? They'd be better off with her? There are six people left. They're going to have to start stabbing each other pretty soon, and they all probably understand that.

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Amber works on Shii Ann's hair as they chat. Shii Ann tells Amber that Big Tom wants to vote Jenna out, which of course is the same way she approached Rupert. She doesn't understand that rather than saying, "Big Tom wants to vote off Jenna, and so let's do that," she needs to find a way to tell people that it's advantageous to them to vote off Jenna -- or whomever, other than herself. "He hates her," Shii Ann says with delight, and you'll note that she fails to understand why Big Tom really wants Jenna out. Because he may indeed hate her, but that's not why he wants her out at this point. He sees her as the possible wrench in his plan to go to F3 with Rob and Amber. Amber says that she can't go along with a Jenna boot unless Big Tom comes to her about it. Amber interviews that she's willing to "entertain the idea" of voting Jenna off, because All-Stars is all strategic and stuff. Or something. I don't know. Work on the hair, Amber. Just work on the hair. At that point, Jenna walks up and sits down with Amber and Shii Ann, all ready for some "girl talk." Shii Ann very convincingly claims that they were talking about what she's going to eat after she's booted. Jenna interviews, in a voice straight out of seventh grade, that she is "very annoyed" with Shii Ann. "She opens her mouth, and I feel like putting a gun in mine." And then she tilts her head in this way that just...I'm not a Jenna-hater, but if I were, that would make me go blind with rage.

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Shii Ann jumps in here, saying that all of the arguing over food originates with Jenna. She bitches about the fact that Jenna "monitors" the food, even complaining about the fact that Jenna makes food, and that she "tells [them] when [they] can make it." Right. Because she stands over you with a pointy stick and stabs you in the head if you try to cook for yourself. This is kind of a ridiculous argument, considering that we heard Jenna in this very episode tell Shii Ann that if she wanted plantains, she was welcome to make some herself. It doesn't appear that Jenna controls what anyone else eats; she just does a lot of the cooking, and that appears to be what Shii Ann resents. Shii Ann tells Jenna to "stop monitoring what everyone is eating," and gets all snooty about how Jenna should let Rupert eat every single fish if he wants to, which I guess really does mean that if you build the fire, you don't have to let anybody else sit near it. I have a feeling that Shii Ann would be very cold and hungry if she had had to live by the philosophy she is now spewing. Rupert beams, because he is an idiot and, as usual, has no idea that this is a bunch of idiotic sucking-up. So he actually considers it a moral victory over Jenna. I despise Shii Ann with such passion I cannot tell you. She may very well be my least favorite person I have ever had to recap on this particular show, at least in these last two episodes. Jon was hateful, but he didn't have this particular blend of self-righteousness and the conviction that he needed to lecture everyone all the time about what was really going on at camp. Shii Ann's just horrible. She's so full of herself she's practically leaking out of her own ears. Shut up, shut up, shut UP.

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Shii Ann now goes on to congratulate herself for breaking down the power in the tribe in a way that absolutely everyone already knows, which is that there's Rob/Amber, there's Rupert/Jenna, and there's Big Tom. She says that she doesn't understand why neither pair is taking her or Big Tom as "swing votes" to eliminate one of the other pairs. Well, because the two power pairs have a plan to be the final four together. Does she not get that? Those four people think that they have an alliance for the last four, and all they have to do to get there is boot Shii Ann and Big Tom. And if they decide to turn on each other, the time to do it will be week, when they can still swing Big Tom and not have Shii Ann to worry about. She's just so stupid, and she thinks she's so smart. "You got everything out?" asks a bored Jeff. HA! Nothing takes the wind out of a big speech like hearing "You done?" at the end of it. She says no, and then she explains that she's "very torn" between voting for the person she thinks is most annoying and the person she thinks might win, and "point them out." Yes, because everyone will immediately see the infinite wisdom of Shii Ann. "By making that vote, I will be making a statement," she says. Yeah. The statement, "I am not here anymore," which is the only statement I want to hear from her at all. She says that tonight, she will be casting her vote for the person she thinks is playing the game the best, and who everybody else should look out for.

Can someone explain that to me? Shii Ann's going to vote for the person she thinks is playing the game the best, in the hopes that this will alert other people, and that the person playing the best...won't win? She's trying to keep the person who's playing the best game from winning, even as she's on her way out? Why would she do that, unless it was someone she hated, which it isn't? And if she wanted to make that "sleeping FUTR person" argument, she should have made it back at camp. Why plot against Jenna if the person she wants to create trouble for is someone else? This whole thing just has the stench of a desperate attempt on Shii Ann's part to get attention and make herself seem important or interesting when she is not important or interesting, and has not been important or interesting since the beginning of the game.

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Will Big Tom be giving up immunity? Tom calls that the "ignorantest thing that's been said here tonight." And then he's like, "Uh, no offense." Heh. Of course not. It's hard to take an insult that has the word "ignorantest" in it particularly to heart.

Time to vote. Rob votes. Big Tom votes. Jenna votes for Shii Ann. "And if you're wondering if you can eat and how much you can, because you think that I monitor that? Eat a lot, Shii Ann. Eat a lot." See, I thought that was sort of amusing, even though a lot of people hated it. Rupert votes. Amber votes. Shii Ann votes for Amber. "Amber," she says, "this vote is for you, out of respect. You are the mastermind right now, so from one Shii Devil to another, this is the vote I'm casting tonight." See what I mean? She doesn't hate Amber. Why does she want to vote for Amber "out of respect"? That just doesn't make any sense. So that...what, so that Amber gets knocked out and it becomes more likely that Rob or Jenna can win? Whatever. Idiot.

Jeff reads the votes. First vote is for Shii Ann. Second vote, also Shii Ann. Third vote is for Amber. Shii Ann, Shii Ann, and finally and mercifully, I am rid of her obnoxious, gloaty ass. Go home. You're a jerk. And you're not nearly as fascinatingly bitchy as you think you are. Jeff sends everyone home, saying that they'll have to see whether Shii Ann's efforts to make trouble had any effect. (Answer: No.)

In her exit interview, Shii Ann once again calls herself the "Shii Devil," which stopped being funny about...okay, it was never funny. She says she played hard, and she says that she "wanted to warn everyone" about Amber. To keep Amber from winning. See how it makes no damn sense? Hate-hate-hate! Go away! Never come back!

week: Rupert is in trouble. At least that's the way I choose to read the preview.

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Provenance

Original URL: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com:80/show/survivor/a_chapera_surprise.php?page=10
Captured: 2010-05-26
Page Type: recap (0%)
Wayback Machine: View original capture

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