Episode Report Card Tippi Blevins: N/A | 336 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT The Hardy Boys are Terrible Virgins
By Tippi Blevins | Season 9 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.26.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.The Winchesters get a call from Sheriff Jody Mills after several people from the same church go missing. Witnesses say they saw a flash of blue light and inhuman feats of strength, like a car being lifted to get at one of the victims. Sam and Dean soon figure out that the victims belonged not only to the same church, but to the same chastity support group. A very prim church lady forbids their entry to the group unless they sign a "purity pledge," promising they'll abstain from sex until marriage. The brothers are no strangers to making false promises, so they eagerly sign on the dotted line. The church lady pronounces them brand-new virgins, like it's just that easy. Seems like there should be some kind of silly ritual or something.
Anyway, with their revamped cherries intact, they head over to the chastity support group to get the dirt on its missing members. While Sam asks questions, Dean flirts with the group's hot counselor. I forget her name. She's the CW-ready babe of the week. Sam finds out that the missing members had recently broken their vows, with sexy results. Dean flirts his way into the counselor's boudoir, and realizes she used to star in his favorite porno series. It takes him maybe 30 seconds of fanboy flattery to get her to renounce her born-again virginity. That has to be some kind of record, even for Dean Winchester.
Meanwhile, Sam and Jody are left to do the research. At first Sam is thinking maybe dragons are involved, but the missing people are lapsed virgins, which doesn't fit the profile. They eventually figure out that the goddess Vesta is responsible, and try to call Dean with the update, but he's ignoring his phone for some bow-chicka-wow. This means Dean is taken by surprise when Vesta abducts both him and the hot counselor for her sacrifice.
Up to this point, they've avoided showing us Vesta's face, which means it's going to be someone we've already seen. Sure enough, it's the prim church lady. She whines about the lack of worshipers when Sam and Jody track her down, then tries to eat Sam's re-virginized bod. That's when she realizes he's not pure at all, but broken to bits and near death. The momentary distraction allows Jody to stab her with the designated god-killing weapon, putting an end to any further sacrifices.
In the end, Sam is despondent about what Vesta said about his broken self. He thinks he's seriously flawed and it's all his fault, somehow. Dean starts to tell him the truth, but Zeke pops up to warn him against it. Dean once again promises to keep the secret for a while longer, because they need a mid-season cliffhanger. Stay tuned for the full recap unless you have sex before then and get yourself abducted by a whiny goddess.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!THEN! "What kind of thing likes virgins and gold?" Sam asked, once upon a time. Turns out it was dragons, which should have been much cooler than it was. Closer to the present, Dean kept urging his brother to slow the hell down and rest up a bit, because he was still weak from those pointless Hell Gate Trials last season. Sam felt fine, though, on account of being chock-full of an angel named Ezekiel, unbeknownst to him. Oh, hey, remember Sheriff Jody Mills? She met the Winchesters when her undead son turned into a patricidal monster. The last time the brothers heard from her, she was very nearly dying for a date with Crowley. This led to the Winchesters capturing the King of Hell for the last part of the trial. Crowley seems to have become addicted to human blood as a result.
NOW! Nighttime in Hartford, South Dakota. A young lady locks up Casey's Great Plains Diner for and deposits a box of food next to a sleeping vagrant just outside the door. "Nighty night, Slim," she says. As she heads across the parking lot to her car, she hears a twig snapping somewhere in the bushes near the diner. Something makes a low growling sort of sound. She glances around just to make sure it isn't Dean Winchester. The young lady panics and trips over absolutely nothing. Her keys fly out of her hand and slide under her car. She crawls in after them, seeking shelter from the approaching footsteps behind her. She uncaps her key chain, revealing a tiny stun gun, which she turns on while waiting for her attacker. What a waste of battery life. Eventually, someone or something lifts up her car by the back bumper. We see a pair of skinny, human-looking legs in non-gender-specific slacks. Whenever shows don't reveal the gender of some mystery character right off the bat, it almost always turns out to be female. Blue fire envelops the mystery attacker, then swooshes out to grab the young lady.
Next thing you know, the mystery attacker is dragging the unconscious young lady to a hole in the ground and drops her right in. A metal hatch slams down over the hole, sealing her inside like she's just inadvertently found herself in an old episode of Lost. Supernatural has wings!
At the Lair O' Letters, Sam has fallen asleep next to his bowl of half-eaten corn flakes. There's a placard on the wall bearing a very stern message. "All food waste and liquids must be placed in sealed units for disposal. Prevent contamination: All utensils and kitchen surfaces to be sterilized after use." Probably the original Men of Letters placed it there, although it seems just as likely the work of neat freak Dean. Speak of that domestic devil, he's just walking into the kitchen and noticing his dozing brother. Dean pours himself a cup of coffee from that retro urn that always seems ready, and drops a bowl in front of Sam to wake him, even though he's the one who's always saying Sam needs his rest. Sam sits up with a start, his hair flying back with the sudden movement. "You okay?" Dean asks. He was until you made him poop himself, asshole. "Yeah, I was just resting my eyes for a second," Sam says. Dean serves himself approximately eight corn flakes before letting us know that Kevin is much too tired to be in this episode. Then the subject turns to Crowley. "You think he's lying about Metatron's spell being irreversible?" Sam wonders. "What, Crowley lie?" Dean asks snarkily. "I do know one thing: Next time that junkie's jonesing for a hit of blood, we've got leverage."