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Sam and Dean get back to the Lair o' Letters to find Kevin in a tizzy because all the ancient computers and gizmos went insane and then shut down. They assure him everything is fine and that the cliffhangers almost always make things look much scarier than they really are. Kevin calms down a bit, then loses his shit all over again when he learns that the brothers plan to keep Crowley in the torture dungeon. This is the demon that killed his mother, kept him prisoner and probably tried out terrible "moose and squirrel" material on him. The brothers tell him to just stay away from Crowley and ignore him, because right now they've got more pressing problems.
That's because Abaddon's lackeys have retrieved and revived her charred meatsuit so that she can whip a bunch of lazy demons into shape. She is like the most gorgeous and terrifying drill sergeant ever. She even gets strapping new soldier meatsuits for her budding minions, all in the quest to take Hell back from Crowley. Some of the demons are wary and want to have proof that the King of Hell is no longer in charge before they side with Abaddon. So she kidnaps a couple of hunters and then tells the Winchesters to come rescue them or else.
So the brothers race off (from Kansas to Oregon!) to do battle with Abaddon and her demons, and they have no idea what they're doing to do. Oddly enough, Sam seems perfectly happy with this. No moping, no protesting, no nostril-flaring lectures. Ezekiel is mending his personality along with his body, right? The demons demand they give up Crowley. Dean tries to quip his way out of the situation, but things are looking dire. Just when the demons are about to best the brothers (because of the "no plan" thing), Zeke flares up like an angelic rash and takes over. Abaddon scrams and her demons die, and Zeke wipes Sam's memory of the little skirmish.
Upon returning to the LOL, Sam and Dean learn that Kevin has been torturing Crowley for information about his mom. Crowley -- that kinky dog -- kind of likes the physical stuff, so he tells Kevin his mother is still alive somewhere. Kevin wants to go find her, but Dean persuades him to stay. In all likelihood, Crowley is lying and Kevin the valuable prophet will just get himself nabbed by someone else. Plus, they're a family, Dean says. You, me, Sam, Cass... all family! Uh... speaking of that hot, laundering angel, just where is he? For all Dean's worry last week, this week he acts like Castiel's absence is no biggie. Squishy, naïve, brand-new human, all on his own? He'll be totally fine! Stay tuned for the full recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Then! the Winchesters met a demon named Abaddon, who wore a fabulous meat suit that looked like Alaina Huffman with perfect red hair. But she wasn't just your everyday, run-of-the-mill demon, oh no! She was a Knight of Hell, which meant she was in tight with Lucifer and probably got special parking privileges, and whatnot. Having missed out on the last 50 years due to an iffy plot twist, she was somewhat shocked and dismayed to discover that Crowley had assumed control of Hell. She was poised to crush Crowley like a bug beneath her boot, but Sam needed the ersatz king so he could finish his final "Hell Gate" trial. So he set Abaddon on fire and forced her to abandon her fabulous meat suit. No-o-o-o! Dean interrupted that last trial so that Sam wouldn't die, but then baby bro almost died anyway. Dean sent out a distress call to all angels, and got his ass kicked pretty badly as a result. Lucky for him, a helpful angel named Ezekiel also answered his call and crawled all up into Sam to heal him from within. Unfortunately, this required a bit of trickery and a complete lack of understanding of the concept of consent, but whatever. We got an unintentionally and robotically hilarious version of Sam as controlled by Ezekiel, so it was all worth it, even if Dean did feel terribly guilty about it.
Now! In a quaint little boarded-up house, in a quaint little unnamed town, a man drags an occupied body bag across a dusty, leaf-strewn floor. He carefully arranges the bag in a disgustingly stained bathtub and unzips it just enough to expose the occupant's scorched, skeletal arm.
At the same time, Dean has decided to stretch out on a picnic table at some rest stop on the way home. Did an extra angel crawl up inside Dean while nobody was looking? Because even though we're only a day or so past his face getting turned into cube steak, he now bears nary a scratch on his handsome mug. His complexion even glows like he just stepped out of the spa, for crying out loud. He and Sam have been talking over the latest. "So, what, Cass is human?" Sam asks. "Ish," Dean clarifies. "I mean, he's got no grace, no wings, no... harp, or whatever the hell else he had." Sam's a little worried about Castiel making it all the way from Colorado to the Lair o' Letters on his own, but Dean seems oddly unconcerned for someone who just recently felt sure the angels were about to wreak havoc on the guy. "If things go all Breaking Bad, he knows our number," Dean says. Fat lot of good a phone will do him if angels pop up behind him and give him more concussions.
"Right now I got bigger worries," Dean goes on. "The fallen angels?" Sam guesses. They talk about how they have no idea what all these pissed-off, confused, homeless angels are going to do. They're probably going to go after Castiel, that's what they're probably going to do. Sam wonders what ever happened to Crowley. "Did you...?" He draws his finger across his throat in the universal symbol for murderin'. "I would have loved nothing better than to ice that limey bitch," Dean says, "but then I thought to myself, 'What would Sam Winchester do?'" Dean looks terribly pleased with himself for this, but Sam just looks puzzled. "I would have stabbed him in the brain," he says, like duh. Hopefully Dean tucks that little nugget away for future reference, because it's sure to come in handy someday. Sam is surprised to learn that the King of Hell has been alive and well, and riding around in the back of the Impala this whole time. What a quiet and polite little hostage Crowley is! You'd think he'd be banging around in there, causing all manner of ruckus, peeing all over their clothes, and so on.
Back at that disgustingly quaint little house, our body bag transporter takes out a knife and lets his demonic eyes flip to black. While he cuts into his stolen wrist, an angry black cloud swirls above him. He bleeds a few drops onto the corpse in the tub, which promptly begins to glow with unholy light. The black cloud shoots into the tub with such force that the demonic minion is knocked off his feet. As quickly as it appeared, the light vanishes. A sooty but perfectly manicured hand rises over the edge of the tub. A stark naked Abaddon follows soon after, standing before her minion while he gawks in amazement. Even her hair looks awesome. She looks around and smiles because look at her.
Supernatural has wings!
Dean walks into the Lair o' Letters and very nearly gets shot with an arrow. "What the hell?" he wonders. "Dean?" a tremulous voice asks from the library. Kevin Tran peeks out from behind an upended table, crossbow still clutched in his hands. "You're alive!" he exclaims with relief. "Yeah, because you're a crappy shot, Katniss," Dean says. Kevin apologizes, but he's been having a rough couple of days. "I haven't slept, I haven't eaten... I'm really backed up!" He says this last with a pained wince. As scared as he's been, you'd think he would have crapped himself silly. He explains about how all the machines in the LOL went nuts and all the doors automatically locked down. He couldn't even use his cell phone. "I thought the world was ending!" he cries. "Close," Dean says. He explains about the angels falling, then takes the bow away from Kevin, suggesting he use a gun time. But, like, maybe make sure who you're shooting, too, okay?
Dean checks his phone and notes that he has service. When Kevin fiddles with the ancient computers, they all come back online. He thinks out loud that opening the door from the outside must have reset the system. He's super relieved until he sees Sam walking in with their new house guest. Even though Crowley's face is obscured with a hood, Kevin can't help but recognize him. He doesn't look too happy, either.
Once they secure him in the torture dungeon, Dean whips off Crowley's hood and tears off the duct tape covering his mouth. Ooh, that smarts! Crowley gets halfway through his trademark "hello, boys" when Dean punches him in the nose. "Never get tired of doing that," Dean says. Crowley blinks away the stars and notices a cabinet that's stocked full of sadistic cutlery. "Here's how it's gonna go," Sam says. "You're giving us the name of every demon on Earth and the people they're possessing." He has a pencil and teeny, tiny little notepad at the ready. Or maybe it's a normal notepad that just looks comically miniscule in Sam's overgrown mitts. Crowley scoffs, but Sam thinks Crowley might still be a little bit human underneath his crusty demon exterior. "I'm not giving you anything," Crowley says. "Why would I? You have no leverage, darlings!" Dean suggests torturing him, which immediately creates in Crowley's mind an image of Sam in stilettos and a leather bustier. "That's really putting the S-and-M into S-A-M!" He probably spent half his time in the trunk thinking that one up, and just had to hope he would get a chance to use it. Sam and Dean have no reaction to Crowley's wardrobe fantasy. "Honestly, boys, what are you gonna do to me that I don't do to myself just for kicks every Friday night?" The brothers smile at each other and then just... walk away. They seal Crowley into the dungeon and turn out the lights, leaving him alone with his thoughts once again. For Crowley, being without an audience is torture, and not the fun, auto-erotic kind.
"What's Crowley doing here?" Kevin wants to know once the brothers have returned to the library. "Why isn't he dead? Why aren't you stabbing him right now?!" Sam explains about needing Crowley to give up the names of all the demons so they can hunt them down. Unless they change meat suits, but whatever. "He will break," Dean assures him. "And when he does, we'll hold him down while you knife him!" He says this with the cheerful expression of one offering a treat to a child. Indeed, he finishes up with this: "Then we can all go out for ice cream and strippers!" With that, they each get to work on their bout of research.
In no time at all, Abaddon has found herself a black leather outfit befitting her status as resident demon badass. In the boarded-up house that serves as her temporary headquarters, she has assembled a small group of minions, including the one who revived her. "Jason tells me you're all violent, power-hungry opportunists," she says. She paces up and down the row like a drill sergeant inspecting her new recruits. Which, really, is kind of what she is. "So," she goes on, "maybe you can tell me what the hell happened to Hell." She paces over to a grandmotherly time. "And demons! You call that a meat suit?" Granny shows off her demonic red eyes. "I close 72 deals last year," she says. "Kids love grandma!" But Abaddon is sick of the deals. "We're paying for what we should be taking," she says. A youngish woman in a prim suit and tight updo looks at her like she's crazypants. "Who put Crowley in charge?" Abaddon wants to know. "He's the king," Granny sighs. Bull and shit to that! Abaddon makes for a great motivational speaker, telling them that a true king fights and conquers. "But the king is dead," she says. "Long live the queen."
The updo lady who looked so skeptical just moments ago is starting to look pretty turned on by all this. Abaddon promises those new bodies and special training. "We will march into Hell, where we will be greeted as liberators! And demonkind will rise up and sweep over the earth! And all the humans and all the angels with their clipped wings will bow to me, or they will burn!" They should be giving her a standing ovation about now, but Granny remains unconvinced. "What about Crowley?" she asks. "Crowley is dead," Abaddon says again. Were they not paying attention to her awesome speech? "Well, no offense, honey," Granny says, "but we all thought you were dead until a week ago." She wants proof that Crowley is really gone. Abaddon scoffs, so Granny disses the Knights of Hell. Abaddon grabs her by the throat and squeezes until black smoke starts oozing out. "You go to Hell, and you tell them I'm coming," Abaddon says. The remaining minions seem quite thrilled by this display of power.
Back at the LOL, Dean is on the phone with some heretofore unmet hunter named Irv. Dean advises Irv to use holy oil on any angel he runs across, because apparently holy oil is much more common than it used to be. Maybe now it's just, like, a jug of Wesson that you get a priest to pray over, like the fatty equivalent of holy water. "I know this is weird," Dean says. "Weird is what we do," Irv says. He looks, dresses and sounds like he could be Bobby's slightly younger brother. "I 'member this cash mean Bobby word up in Saskatoon," Irv mumbles. Translation: I remember this case me and Bobby worked up in Saskatoon. "The werewolf Siamese twins?" Dean asks. They prefer to be called lycanthropic conjoined twins, asshole. Dean tells him to get the word out to other hunters.
Three young sailors chitchat as they leave their Naval base for a weekend of fun and relaxation. Little do they know that the bus they then decide to take is already occupied by three demons. How perfect is that? Three demons, three sailors... nobody gets left out! The sailors barely have a moment to freak out before the bus fills with roiling black smoke. Nobody seems to notice this from the outside. In the driver's seat, Abaddon turns back to look at her minions with an approving smile. "Now that is more like it!"
The camera pans across an empty stretch of road to where a young lady is trying to figure out what's wrong with her vintage VW Beetle. This involves a lot of bending over the engine while wearing low-slung shorts that just barely cover her butt. Now, why is it, in all the times that we've seen Dean fussing over the Impala, we have never seen him do so in booty shorts? Some sleazeball guy in an equally sleazy van rolls to a stop beside our would-be auto mechanic. "Need some help?" he asks. "Um, yeah, I think the thingy broke," the young lady says, batting her eyelashes. "I could give you a lift into town," the sleazeball offers. "That would be amazing," the young lady says. As she hops into the van, the sleazeball grows out his vampire teeth. thing you know, the van's rocking back and forth and moaning voices can be heard coming from within. A moment after that, blood sprays across the inside of the windshield. When the door opens, the vampire's headless body slumps out and his killer emerges still holding the bloody machete in her hand. She smiles with the satisfaction of a job well done, then turns to see one of the sailors standing in her way. "Nice hunting," he says. Another sailor pops up behind her and pulls a bag over her head.
The Winchesters drive from Kansas to San Diego in record time, arriving on the scene of Abaddon's meat suit shopping trip while authorities are still documenting the evidence. The vacated meat suits still sit on the bus, looking a bit worse for the wear. "This place reeks of sulfur," Sam notes. Dean finds the military officer in charge and flashes one of his fake badges at her. "Agents Stark and Banner, we're with the FBI," he says. She should probably point out that their Avengers aliases are painfully obvious, but she doesn't. "This is a military case, not a federal one," she says. "That's not what our supervisor says," Sam tells her. When she wants to speak with this supervisor, Dean rings up Kevin back at the LOL. "This is Sergeant Miranda Bates," the officer says when Dean hands her the phone. "Who am I talking to?" Kevin scrambles for a name and comes up with "Kevin Solo." While she takes him to task for his obvious and terrible pranking, Kevin gets busy looking her up online. He finds a rather tame-sounding photo of her doing body shots on vacation and threatens to send it to her commanding officer. In real life, her CO would probably be like, "Glad you had so much fun on vacay!" But on Supernatural, a mildly naughty picture is an even bigger threat to her career than letting two fake FBI agents take over her crime scene, or telling anyone that a military computer had been hacked. Oh, show. Sacrificing common sense in order to make a character look better. Will you never change?
So the fake Avengers check out the dead bodies on the bus. "This guy was shot in the heart," Sam notices. "Is that what killed him?" Dean asks. "Yeah, maybe 15 or 20 years ago," Sam says. All the bodies have fatal wounds but they're all old. This leads the Winchesters to realize they were meat suits that had been occupied for some time and now the demons have moved on to beefier pastures. The suddenly helpful Sergeant Bates boards the bus in order to show them some security video. To Sam and Dean's surprise, one of the demons is a surprisingly unscathed Abaddon.
"I thought you Kentucky-fried that meat suit," Dean says as they head back to the Impala. "I did," Sam says. They wonder how she got her body back, like anybody on this show should wonder about impossible resurrections anymore. Dean starts making plans to chop her head off again. Maybe time they won't sew her back up and then leave her completely unguarded.
You know how the various baddies on this show always seem to set up shop in an empty warehouse or factory? It's like they must get some kind of sweet rental deal or something. Well, Abaddon has done them one better by taking over a whole, empty town. Its fenced perimeter bears signs of dire warning. "Contaminated building," one sign says. "Hazardous waste area," says another. The signs advise anybody standing close enough to read them seek medical help immediately. Two of Abaddon's newly outfitted minions beat up a guy in one of the town's contaminated alleys. "All right, Pete, where are the Winchesters?" asks one minion between blows. "Bite me," says Pete. The minion punches him in the face and asks the same question. He gets the same response. Abaddon, who's been watching this little interrogation, gets bored and strings up ol' Pete. "Let me show you how it's done, boys."
A short time later, one of the Winchesters' many phones rings at the LOL. Kevin answers it. "This is Dean's number," Abaddon says, "but you're not a Winchester. Who are you?" Kevin says, "I'm nobody." Behind her, Pete dangles from the end of his rope. Squealing did him no good. Abaddon wanders into a diner where her third minion stands guard. "Well, nobody, I need you to give those boys a message for me," she says. "I have something they might want." There, bound back to back, are Irv and Miss Shorty Shorts.
Sam and Dean are driving back home from San Diego when they get a frantic call from Kevin. He rattles off a string of coordinates and then says Abaddon has Irv Franklin and Tracy Bell. "The lady said they were hunters and that if you didn't go save them, she would kill them." Dean tasks Kevin with looking through the LOL for research on the Knights of Hell. Sam says that the coordinates lead to a town near Eugene, Oregon. "You know this is a trap, right?" he asks. "Yup," Dean says. "And we're just gonna walk right into it?" Sam asks. "Guns blazin'," Dean says. "You with me?" Sam snorts, but it's not one of his trademark dismissive snorts. He says, "You know it," and sounds pretty damned happy about it. Did Ezekiel start with his brain?
Alone with his thoughts, Crowley remembers going through the Hell Gate trial with Sam. He thinks about Dean saying mean things to him, and about confessing to Sam his deep and abiding love of Hannah and Marnie on Girls. "I deserve to be loved!" his memory shouts. "I just wanna be loved!" In the present, Crowley's head spins from all the feels. He can hardly catch his breath. When the lights suddenly come back on, he glances about, perhaps hoping he didn't utter any of these lines aloud. He listens and hears soft footsteps in the storeroom beyond. "Kevin?" he calls out. "Kevin, I know it's you. I'd recognize the pitter-pat of those little feet anywhere." Kevin tries to ignore him while he digs through some boxes, but Crowley continues to taunt him. He manages to hold out for all of thirty seconds before opening the dungeon doors.
"What happened here?" Dean asks, getting his first look at Tromaville. "Local chemical plant sprung a leak years ago," Sam says. "They evacuated three square blocks; guess it's still contaminated." Somehow, I just don't see Oregon leaving a poisoned town untreated for that long. Dean's guard goes up and his hand goes down to protect his crotch. "That's not gonna help," Sam says. "It doesn't hurt," Dean counters. No, it does not.
The brothers find Irv and Tracy in the diner. Dean rushes over to remove Irv's gag. "Where's Abaddon?" he asks. "She's been torturing hunters, trying to get intel on you boys," Irv says. "You know why?" Sam asks. Why do you think? You're the goddamned Winchesters! Is there any baddie that doesn't want to do you in? Irv doesn't know the specifics, though, and is more interested in getting out of there. Before untying them, the brothers test them with holy water. Yay for being smart! Sam introduces himself to Tracy, but she's less than pleased to meet him. "She's new," Irv explains. "She's smart, but she's got a mouth on her." You know how us silly womenfolk are! Always usin' our mouths for talkin' and whatnot, instead of keepin' our opinions to ourselves. Sam seems a little embarrassed by Irv, or maybe that's just my soft, feminine brain projectin' on him.
Now that we've had a better look at the torture dungeon, it doesn't really seem all that secure. As long as you could get past the devil's trap, you could climb right over the doors, since they don't go all the way to to ceiling. But, for now, Crowley is in a bind. "What brings you to my boudoir, handsome?" he asks Kevin. Crowley really is kind of like an evil Mae West, isn't he? "You're gonna tell me how to kill a Knight of Hell," Kev says. Crowley guesses that Kevin is talking about Abaddon. "Tell you what. You let me go, and I'll spit-roast the little whore for you." Kevin doesn't take the bait, so Crowley keeps taunting him. He prods Kevin to tell him why he really came down to see him. "You can tell me; we're friends," Crowley says. "You tortured me," Kevin reminds him. "I torture all my friends," Crowley says. He hints that he may not have really killed Mama Tran. Kevin goes "RAAAHH!" and punches him in the face. This makes Crowley unduly happy. "You can do better than that, little man," he taunts. Kevin glances over at the cabinet of torture cutlery. "That's right," Crowley says. "Let it all out!" Anything would be better than being alone with the embarrassing memories of his curative session with Sam.
In the diner, Dean takes stock of their supplies. "We got Jesus juice, guns loaded with devil's trap bullets... angel blade..." Sam keeps watch at the window as the demons approach. "They've got assault rifles," Sam says. "So, what's the play?" Irv asks. Dean doesn't say...
...but the thing the demons hear is him shouting, "Come and get it, you dicks!" They kick open the diner door and find Dean's phone, continually looping the polite invitation. Presumably he had this recording on standby, because otherwise they would have heard him shouting into his phone.
The real Dean is outside the diner with the other hunters. "We gotta flank Seal Team Douche in there," he says. He assigns Sam and Tracy to one side of the diner while he and Irv plan to take the other. Tracy doesn't want anything to do with Sam, though. "My family is dead because of him," she says. Sam seems a bit surprised by this. She says a demon killed her parents. "The whole time, it said it was celebrating because some dumb kid had let Lucifer out of his cage." Presumably she means that time Sam killed Lilith and (oops!) let Lucifer out of Hell, because Lucy is still trapped in what they've been referring to as "the cage" since the awful "Swan Song." Regardless, this is hardly the time to be dealing with her inner Inigo Montoya, so Dean rearranges the teams and sends Sam off with Irv. Poor Sam looks like he's going to cry. Also, did I just say "poor Sam"? Damn, Ezekiel, did you mess with my brain, too?
A weary Kevin lets go of the sledgehammer he's been using on Crowley and takes a much-needed break. Crowley's not through talking, though. "Let me go, and I'll give you back your mother," he says. "She's dead," Kevin insists. "Oh, she wishes she was," Crowley says. "After what I had my heavies do to her, she's begging for it." Kevin doesn't know quite what he wants to believe. Either option is pretty terrible. He looks like he's ready to break, so Crowley keeps picking at him. "You think Sam and Dean care about her? You think they care about you? You're just here to serve their needs, nothing more." He goes on about how the Winchesters will just toss him aside when they're done with him. He could very well be talking about himself, waiting for the day the brothers are done with him. Kevin thinks and thinks, and thinks some more.
Dean and Tracy hide behind the corner of a building and keep an eye on the diner, waiting for the demons to come out. While they wait, Dean takes some time to defend his baby bro. "For the record, Sam's not the only go who thought he was doing right and watched it all go to crap," he says. "That's just part of being –" She cuts him off: "– being a hunter." But what he wanted to say is that it's part of being human. He reminds her to remember who they're fighting. "You gotta know who the real monsters are," he says. She pouts, but looks like she's taking his words to heart. Meanwhile, her butt cheeks fall off from exposure to the town's toxic fumes.
Irv looks increasingly guilty as he follows Sam to the other side of the building. He volunteers to hold off the demons while the others make their escape. "Irv, that's death," Sam says. "Well, that's what I got coming," Irv says. He explains that he got drunk and lonely in a bar one night and some hot redhead tortured him until he gave up the other hunters. But did she have a mouth on her? "Pete, Tracy, I gave 'em all up," he cries. In all his boohooing, he forgets he's supposed to be hiding and steps out from behind the wall. A demon shoots him dead from the rooftop of a nearby building. Sam shoots at the demon and makes a break for it, diving back into the diner where he knows at least one other demon is waiting for him.
Dean and Tracy tiptoe back toward the diner, but Abaddon pops out from behind the corner and knocks Dean on his ass. Tracy plugs Abaddon's torso full of devil's trap bullets. Abaddon laughs and pulls up her shirt to reveal the Kevlar vest underneath. That is why you always aim for the head. "I love the future," Abaddon says. While Abaddon is distracted with all the gloating, Dean throws some holy water in her face. Dean gives Tracy his car keys and tells her bring back more supplies. This turn of events suits Abaddon just fine. "Alone at last," she purrs, already healed from her burns. Dean gives her one of his most searing looks and pulls the angel blade from his jacket. He swings at her with such force that his shirt collar flaps open, exposing the anti-possession tattoo on his chest. I was wondering why he was only wearing one jacket, and now I know it's so we'd be sure to get a clear view of his ink. Abaddon easily disarms him and the blade clatters to the ground. She twists Dean's arm behind him and forces him to his knees. "I missed you. Did you miss me?" she asks. Dean is too busy being in total agony to answer.
Queen Demon has apparently been teaching her moves to the new minions, because Sam is disarmed in much the same way. There's no flirting, though, and the minion tosses all five yards of Sam's considerable frame over the counter. The other minion shows up just then, all smiles. "Cool! I didn't miss the best part!" I wonder which of them used to be Granny?
Abaddon still has Dean on his knees. "I so appreciate you boys coming when I call," she says. She twists his arm some more. Something crunches audibly and Dean winces. As quickly as he appears to heal, he can't be too worried about a dislocated limb. "That's what I like most about you Winchesters," she coos, running her perfectly manicured fingers through Dean's hair. "So obedient and suicidally stupid," she goes on. Hey, they've been trying to kill themselves for eight years and it hasn't stuck yet; can you blame them for being a little nonchalant about it? She gives him such a sweet look that Dean has to ask, "Are we gonna fight or make out?" Finally, she gets down to business. "I want Crowley, or what's left of him," she says. "What's in it for me?" he asks. "I let you die," she says. Good luck with that, sister. "And if I tell you to get bent?" he wonders. She runs her hand down the side of his face to his chest. "You know, I've loved this body since the moment I first saw it." She wants to take possession of that fine bod. "So go ahead and play hard to get, and I'll peel off this 'no demons allowed' tattoo, and blow smoke up your ass." Abaddean? Bring it on. Dean is not as thrilled with the prospect as I am, however. "Between you and me, it's a horror show up there," he says of his coveted derriere. All that greasy road food, the nearly infinite hours of driving... he probably does have a hideously impressive array of hemorrhoids. Just keep that in mind the time he's looking super intense behind the wheel.
But Abaddon is not deterred. "Have you ever felt an infant's blood drip down your chin?" she asks. Guessing "no" on that one. "Or listened to a girl scream as you rip her guts out?" Dean's all out of jokes now. He looks genuinely scared. This isn't some Crowley level jokester he's dealing with, nor even a Lucifer, who, despite the considerable powers at his disposal, seemed to wield whining with the most gusto. What we have here, kiddos, appears to be an actual badass baddie. Please, show, do not screw this up with the easy misogyny on which you rely far too often. Abaddon caresses that artfully stubbled face and promises him the time of his life.
Meanwhile, Sam is getting the snot beaten out of him by the three sailor minions. One of them throws him head-first into a wall. As Sam slumps to the floor, the minion grabs a handful of those Rapunzel tresses. "I thought all you Winchesters were supposed to be tough," the minion says. Sam's eyes snap open and glow bright blue. Ezekiel totally felt that minion touching Sam's hair. Nobody fucks with my vessel's hair! Samekiel flings the minion across the room, then gets back on his feet. As the minions watch with growing confusion, Sam's entire body begins to glow white-hot. His shadow unfurls massive, bony wings. Feathers drop like the last, sad leaves of autumn.
The glow reaches all the way outside, where Abaddon flinches as if physically stricken. An explosion from within the diner blasts out all the windows. "An angel?" Abaddon sneers. "What, you think we'd roll up in this mousetrap without back up?" Dean asks. Enraged, Abaddon tosses Dean through a window display of happening '90s fashion before disappearing herself the hell out of there.
When Dean makes it to the diner, he finds Samekiel stabbing the already-dead minions with the demon knife. "They were going to kill him," Samekiel explains. "What the hell did you do?" Dean asks. "I was protecting your brother," Samekiel says. "I thought that was what you wanted." He's not as hilariously robotic as he was fresh out of the hospital, and this makes me very sad. Dean's having a lot of difficulty making eye contact with Samekiel. "Sorry, I'm still not used to this whole thing," he says, forcing himself to glance up at him. "As am I," Samekiel says. It's like inhabiting a big, hairy redwood. Sam, having been knocked unconscious during the fight, is still oblivious to what's going on. "Sam will not remember any of this," he says. "So what am I supposed to tell him when he comes to?" Dean asks. Samekiel shows Dean the bloody knife: cover story! But Dean's still feeling guilty for, well, basically everything. Since he's the one who talked Sam out of completing the trials, he feels he's to blame for every demon-related death since. They really don't understand consent, do they? Instead of pointing out that Sam ultimately chose to quit the trial, Samekiel says Dean was just trying to protect his brother. "You did what you did out of love," he says. Dean grows even more uncomfortable. "I'm not really with the whole love and... love," he says, cringing like he's going to get cooties just from the very idea. "But it is why I said yes," Samekiel says. Meaningful choice of pronoun, or a slip of the writer's pen? After all, it wasn't Ezekiel who said yes, but Sam. And not even then, really. Dean frets about everything that could go wrong, because it will be his fault like it's always his fault, even when it isn't. Samekiel makes a series of faces approximating sympathy. "Dean Winchester, you are doing... the right... thing." Dean looks doubtful, or maybe he's just trying to parse Samekiel's weird line readings.
Some time later, Sam wakes up against the wall where he was thrown earlier. Confused, still in fight-or-flight mode, he flinches away from the figure standing over him. He's still confused even when he realizes it's Dean, and not one of the demons. "What the hell happened?" he asks. "You took a shot to the head and I came in and saved your ass," Dean says, holding the bloody knife. "You killed three demons alone?" Sam asks, growing more puzzled by the moment. "Took 'em by surprise," Dean explains. "Got a little messy, got a little lucky... oh, and I'm awesome, so there's that." Sam has to agree that his brother is pretty awesome. He's so impressed that he doesn't even ask what happened to Abaddon. Dean still has a hard time looking him him the eye, although for different reasons now.
Tracy, who was sent off untold ages ago to bring back supplies, only now returns. How convenient of her to miss out on all the complicated angel stuff. She's been gone so long that she's even had a change of heart about Sam. She doesn't apologize to him for her outburst, but she's glad he's not dead. That's a start. "Let's blow this toxic waste dump," Dean says as everybody piles into the Impala. "Burgers and Silkwood showers on me!" He's all happy smiles until the moment he slides into place behind the wheel. Preparation-H, Dean. Look into it.
The Winchesters return to the LOL after leaving Tromaville far behind them. Dean has a big bucket of fried chicken and what looks like a jug of prune juice. He and Kevin can share it and gab about their gastrointestinal travails. Sam and Dean call out to Kevin, but get no answer back. Ominous music plays. The brothers exchange oh shit looks and rush down to the torture dungeon.
Much to their surprise (and mine), they find Crowley right where they left him. "Who worked you over?" Dean asks, noticing Crowley's blood knuckles. Who does he think? Like they have a torture fairy that lives in the LOL. "Martin Hayward and Brandon Favors," Crowley says. Sam and Dean make faces like confused cavemen. "They did this to you?" Sam asks. "No, they're demons," Crowley says. "You asked for names, I'm giving you names." Dean's all set to gloat that they've broken Crowley, but Crowley, ever the salesman, sees it as a mutually beneficial exchange. "So these are freebies?" Sam asks, since Crowley hasn't yet asked for anything in return. "Consider them fair exchange," Crowley says, "for the enjoyment that Kevin gave me." Dean and Sam look a bit unsettled by this, and set off to look for Kevin, leaving Crowley in his semi-sealed dungeon, all alone once again.
Dean runs into Kevin just as the reluctant prophet is making his way to the door, backpack set squarely on his shoulder. Dean grabs his pack and pulls him to a stop. "Hey, talk to me," Dean says. "You can't keep me locked in here," Kevin fusses. Dean points out that this is exactly why they didn't want him to talk to Crowley. "He said my mother is still alive," Kevin says. "He said if I let him go, he'll give her back to me." Dean scoffs. "And you believed him?" Kevin's like, "He's still in there, isn't he?" Dean tries to reason with Kevin, telling him that Crowley is a liar. Even if Kevin's mother is still alive, Dean says, then she's dead in all the ways that matter. This would mean more if it weren't coming from the guy who stuffed an angel all up in his mostly dead brother just the week before. Perhaps the writer should have had Sam make the speech, while Dean stewed silently in his own guilty juices. "I know you're dying to bolt," Dean says, "but out that door, it's all demons and it's angels, and they would love to get their hands on a prophet." Dean goes on to say that he and Sam need him. They need him to do their boring research and report on his findings, and blackmail uncooperative law enforcement types with his computer skillz! But mostly, they're family. "After all the crap we've been through, and all the good you've done, man, if you don't think we would die for you... I don't know what to tell you." Tears start rolling down Kevin's cheeks. "You, me, Sam and Cass, we are all that we've got," Dean says. "But, hey, if none of that matters to you, I won't stop you..." Oh, you big, passive-aggressive wiener. What kind of strange world is this where Sam is more tolerable than Dean?
Dean finds Sam in the library and lets him know Kevin is staying. Dean pours them both a whiskey and notices Sam is looking kind of Sam. "What Tracy said about me," Sam says, "she wasn't wrong." It's Dean's job to talk people off the ledge today, so he reminds Sam of all the good he's done, which adds up to a far greater number than the people he's hurt. "That was then," Dean says, holding up his glass. "Here's to now." Sam looks a bit doubtful, but clinks glasses with his brother. "So, you ready for it?" he asks. He elaborates: "Fallen angels, Abaddon, Cass losing his halo, Crowley in our basement..." Dean snorts and says, "We're living in a freaking sitcom." It's exactly like ALF, if you just replace the fuzzy puppet with Crowley. But Dean worries when Sam goes on about how good he feels, and how happy he is with his life these days. Happiness is terrifying, because it has a cost and because it comes to an end. It's just a matter of time. But when? The smart money is on November sweeps.
Tippi Blevins has been possessed by a recapping demon. Send holy water to b_tippi@yahoo.com, or chant spells at her on Twitter: @TippiB.