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Welcome back to the show that, like its characters, never really dies! It just keeps coming back with slightly different variations on a theme. We begin, as we sometimes do, with something being Very Wrong with Sam Winchester. The human giraffe is dying on account of all those boring Hell Gate trials from last season. To heal him, Dean prays first to Castiel, then to all available angels when he doesn't get a response. For some reason, the execrably named "angel radio" is still operational even though all the angels have been cut off from Heaven. The good news is that a helpful angel named Ezekiel hears Dean's pleas and comes to his aid. The bad news is that a bunch of really pissed off angels also hear him and decide to beat him up until he tells them where to find Castiel.
Dean doesn't tell them, of course, but it's not like Castiel would be of much help to the angels. He's mostly human now, and trying to contend with things like food and beverages and sweet, sweet nudity. He's also got a crazy angel named Hael who really wants his guidance. When he opts instead to take Dean's advice and hie himself to safety, Hael loses her shit and takes him prisoner. Castiel tries to explain to her that self-determination is super awesome, so she determines that she wants his body. Because seriously, have you seen it? When he doesn't fork it over for possession, she threatens to tell all the angels where to find him. He has to kill her to keep safe, which is kind of understandable, but it's still sort of a shitty first day as a human being.
Meanwhile, Ezekiel is too weak to heal Sam in the "good touch" ways... which means he has to resort to the "bad touch" ways. He has to take possession of Sam in order to heal him from the inside, but he can't do it without Sam's consent. Sam, who's been chatting with imaginary versions of Dean and Bobby in his comatose state, has just met with Capital-D Death. It's not clear whether or not Death is real or if he's another facet of Sam's imagination, but he's convinced Sam to pass on. That's when Dean kind of tricks Sam into consenting to Zeke, which isn't actually consent in the technical sense. Or in any sense, really. Let's wrestle with that in the full recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome to the ninth season! Holy crap, right? The Winchesters have been battling demons and each other for eight whole years. Hopefully you're ready for another round of brotherly angst. If you're not, just grab a drink (or ten) and try to enjoy the snark.
The road so far: "There's nothing the Winchesters can't do if they work together," Charlie Bradbury reminds us. Dean sure did hug a lot of people last season, didn't he? That was nice, at least. The brothers also beheaded a lot of people, and threw a lot of firebombs. Kevin Tran figured out how to close the Gates of Hell, which involved Sam wearing nerdlinger glasses and getting Flashdance splashed with hellhound blood. He also had to rescue Bobby Singer from the tamest manifestation of Hell outside of a kindergarten Halloween party. Oh, hey, and then remember when they got the Lair o' Letters that warded against all evil, but for some reason they didn't invite Kevin to stay there? (That last part isn't in the intro, but it was so fantastically silly that I thought it bore mentioning).
Castiel and Dean hit a lot of rough spots in their relationship, starting with Dean feeling characteristically guilty for his angel getting stuck in Purgatory, and ending with Castiel flitting off with the Angel Tablet. Sam's conversion of Crowley was interrupted when badass Abaddon showed up to kick both his and Crowley's asses. Alas, Sam dispatched her and things got a lot duller. Meanwhile, up in Heaven, Metatron tricked a gullible Castiel, stole his Grace and then sent him back to Earth just in time to watch all the angels fall from the sky like fiery, winged bombs. Sam saw this, too, because Dean dragged him away from that last trial before he could kill himself. Sam survived, but he was exuding a serious amount of mucus.
That brings us to the present day, where a far less oozy Sam rides shotgun in the Impala with Dean, as ever, at the wheel. "This makes no sense," Sam says. "I mean, how many angels fell? Hundreds? Thousands? And nobody sees anything?" He checks the news on his phone. "They're calling it a meteor shower! Seriously?" Dean says nothing. Sam notices that his brother seems even steelier than usual. "What's going on, man? Are you okay?" he asks. "Yeah, it's just..." Dean starts to say, but Sam finishes for him: "We got a bunch of super-powered dicks touchin' down and we got no idea where to start." The first part of that would also make a fun sales slogan for a dildo company. But super-powered dicks aren't their problem right now. "Look, there's no easy way to say this," Dean says, "but something happened back there in that church, and I don't know why...[but] you're dying, Sam." The camera goes all tilted like gravity has no bearing on the Impala right now. Sam scoffs, but he can hear a faint heartbeat, and the even fainter pinging of a heart monitor.
we're dangling from a hospital room ceiling, staring down at an unconscious Sam. Dean sits at his bedside, red-eyed, chin propped in his hands. He glances up at the TV to see a news report on the "global meteor shower" that popped up out of nowhere. (The episode very nearly coincided with the Draconid meteor shower.) Some part of Sam must be hearing this, since he picked up on the meteor explanation. Dean rubs his eyes and sighs. We're only three minutes into the season and he's already exhausted. That's when the season's new title card flaps onto the screen. Like your favorite maxi pads, Supernatural now has wings!
A doctor goes over the results of Sam's MRI with Dean. He has massive internal burns to most of his internal organs and his brain has been deprived of oxygen. It happened when he tried to make sense of the show's plots last season. "The coma is the result of the body doing everything in its limited power to protect itself from further harm." Dean paces around Sam's bed. "This wasn't supposed to happen," he says. I think that translates more as "I was supposed to be the one dying," as opposed to "Sam shouldn't be dying as a result of this." Because the whole reason Dean wanted to be the one to do the trials in the first place is that he was pretty sure it was a one-way trip. Oddly enough, the doctor doesn't ask just what happened. A strapping man in his early 30s shows up out of nowhere with barbecued innards, you'd want to know how, right? "If your brother continues on this trajectory, the machines might keep him alive but..." The doctor trails off.
"He'll be dead," Dean finishes. At this point, Sam seems only to be hooked up to a monitor and IV drip, so at least he's breathing on his own. The doc says that yes, technically, Sam would be dead. But his hair will keep growing. "So there's no recovery, no bounce back?" Dean asks. "I'm afraid that's in God's hands now," the doc says. This pisses off Dean, and quite understandably so, but he seems to be unaware that he's brought his brother to a soap opera hospital. Diagnoses come quick, comas are inevitable, and nobody is ever very specific with medical terms.
Dean stomps out into the hallway, full of directionless despair, and then he sees the sign for the hospital chapel. It's not God he calls on, but someone a little lower on the totem pole. He kneels in the pew, folds his hands, and asks for Castiel. "Sammy's hurt," he says. "He's hurt pretty bad. And I know that you think that I'm pissed at you, okay? But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter, okay? We'll work it out." He listens, but gets no answer. "Please, man," he whispers. "I need you here." He prays so hard and so earnestly, but there's no angel on the other end. Dean doesn't know this yet, though, so he glances around behind him as if expecting to see the familiar rumpled overcoat. Another hopeful visitor to the chapel coughs, the sound almost glaringly loud in the otherwise silent room. "Screw it," Dean says. He shifts slightly, the wood beneath his knees creaking as he digs himself in. "Okay, listen up. This one goes out to any angel with their ears on." An ominous orchestral note warns us that bad things are about to happen. Dean probably knows it, too, judging by the look of loathing on his face, but he's obviously desperate. "This is Dean Winchester, and I need your help."
At that moment, a man is eating breakfast with his family in a sunny, commercial-ready kitchen. He hears Dean's call for help. At the same time, Tahmoh Penikett gets off a bus somewhere and hears Dean giving out the address for the hospital. "The first one who can help me gets my help in return," Dean goes on, "and you know that ain't nothin'." The breakfast dad gets up and walks away from the table without a word to his confused family. A farmer hops on his tractor and speeds off towards the hospital at 12 mph. "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye," says the mighty voice of Dean, "but you know that I am good for my word." Tahmoh gets back on the bus. Is that bus even going to the right place? A tear falls from Dean's eye and skips down his cheek. It took just under seven minutes for the One Perfect Tear to make an appearance. Welcome back, salty old friend.
In the road trip in Sam's oxygen-deprived head, Dean is giving him a pep talk about dying. Or about not dying, rather. "We've jimmied ourselves out of worse," Head Dean says. "We're gonna fight this. I got the plan – you just gotta hang on." Sam humors him by agreeing, but he doesn't believe him. The car continues tilting at odd angles as they drive. Coupled with the blackness outside the windows, it's like they're in space. "You understand that we're not really in this car right now," Head Dean says. "We are in your head, and you're in a coma and are dying." Sam scoffs and rolls his eyes, but the words are starting to sink in. "How do you know that?" Sam asks. "Because I'm you," Head Dean says. Sam remembers that the whole reason he quit doing the trials was so that he wouldn't die. But then he also remembers that the show is really super in love with the idea of there being Something Wrong With Sammy, and there hasn't been an iteration of that plot since, what, that time his mind broke apart like a cheap taco shell? That was season before last, so we were due…nay, overdue! "We gotta fight this," Head Dean says. "Okay, what's the plan?" Sam asks. Head Dean doesn't have a plan, but he's working on one. This isn't easy, considering he's a figment of Sam's imagination. Sam points this out to him... er, to himself... whatever. Sandra Bullock floats by.
"Am I supposed to be fighting at all?" Sam wonders. "Are you serious?" Head Dean asks. "Hell yes, he's serious," Bobby Fucking Singer says from the back seat. "If you ask me, I think the kid's got a good point." Nobody asked you, Bobby! Writers shouldn't play with dead things! Head Dean gives Head Bobby a WTF? look and keeps driving through outer space.
Meanwhile, Castiel finds himself walking down a lonely but scenic road in Longmont, Colorado. He hears the telltale buzzing of his angelic brethren, and amid the buzzing a cacophony of confused murmurs and shouts. The din grows and grows until Castiel winces in pain and grabs his head. In his pain, he narrowly avoids getting run over by an oncoming truck. And by "narrowly avoids," I mean "dives headlong out of the road like a trained stuntman." The driver gets out of his truck and rushes over to check on him. "Hey, buddy! You okay?" Castiel looks down at the road rash on his left hand. "It hurts," he says with wonder. It's not like it's the first time he's felt pain, but maybe it feels different as a human being. "What the hell you doing in the middle of the road like that?" the driver asks. "I heard angels," Castiel says. The driver, perhaps suspecting a massive hangover, offers Castiel some water. Castiel turns him down because he doesn't drink that stuff. He does ask for a phone, but the driver says there's no signal up here in the mountains. "How about a lift?" the driver asks. "Yes, good," Castiel says. "I would fly, but I have no wings, not anymore." He says this with a touch of embarrassment. The driver looks at him like he's just plain touched in the head.
Back to Sammy's increasingly crowded head. "Sam wants to die, and you think he's got a point?" Head Dean splutters. "I don't want to die," Sam reminds his imaginary brother. "I asked if I was supposed to." Head Dean's not having it. He tells Head Bobby to get lost. "Oh and you're welcome for the Hell rescue," he snits. "First of all, you didn't rescue jack, halfwit; Sam did," Head Bobby says. An imaginary version of Benny should pop up right now and smack Sam and Bobby upside the head. Head Bobby then goes on to say that comas suck (duh) but sometimes that's just how things go. He and Head Dean argue about all the crazy things the brothers do to save each other, like that time Dean sold his soul. Acknowledging that the Winchesters are stuck in a loop doesn't really mean anything until they do something about it. Sam shouts at them to be quiet. "I can't hear myself think!" Head Dean kindly doesn't point out that this is Sam thinking. Head Bobby goes off on a hissy fit about how he knows what he's talking about, because he's dead, like the brothers haven't been dead multiple times themselves. So Head Dean counters that he's the one in the front seat because Sam wants to fight. Suddenly, Head Bobby finds himself sandwiched between the two brothers. Head Bobby grabs Sam's shoulder...
... and materializes them both in some random forest. "Yip, yip, yip, am I right?" he says. Sam makes awkward faces and says, "Honestly, Bobby, I don't know what's right." They decide to go for a walk in the imaginary woods.
The nice truck driver drops Castiel off at a truck stop and hands him a few dollars and coins. "For the phone, and a sandwich," he says. "It's okay, I don't eat," Castiel says. The driver insists this weird, delusional, possibly anorexic stranger take the money. Castiel, looking a bit embarrassed again, takes the kind offering. A young woman watches the exchange from the back seat of a car parked nearby.
Castiel walks up to a burly biker availing himself of the truck stop's one payphone. "Hang up the phone," Castiel orders him. All these years hanging out with humans and he hasn't learned manners. Or a shred of common sense. The biker lowers the phone and turns to look at Mr. Bossypants. "Excuse me?" He's wearing four rings, all of them with big, silver skulls. "This is an emergency," Castiel says, adding, "I don't wanna hurt you." The biker, who does have manners, returns to his phone call just long enough to say, "Hold on, hon." He then taunts Castiel, inviting him to hurt him. Castiel puts two fingers to the biker's forehead, then frowns quizzically when nothing happens. He tries again, this time with his whole hand. Still nothing happens. He knows he's not an angel anymore, so why would he expect any of his old tricks to still work? The biker brushes Castiel's hand aside. "I'm gonna finish this call, then I'm gonna stab you." Defeated, Castiel walks away.
The young woman from the car approaches him. "I know you," she says. "I don't think so," he grumps, walking past her. "Castiel," she says. He turns toward her. "We met in Heaven. My name is Hael." She's an angel, but she's having an identity crisis without her wings.
A woman walks into Sam's hospital room and smiles at Dean. He nearly vaults out of his chair. "I'm just gonna break the ice," he says, "are you an angel?" She chuckles politely and explains that she's the hospital's grief counselor. Her presence is a bit premature, which Dean points out, but she wants him to talk about Sam's inevitable death. What kind of hospital gives up on someone like a day after they arrive? Maybe whatever fake identity Dean used doesn't have good insurance. She's really kind of pushy about the whole thing. So Dean decides that if the angels aren't going to help him, maybe the King of Hell will.
He goes out to the parking garage where Schrödinger's Crowley is still holed up in the Impala's trunk. Dean knocks to get his attention. "Listen up, you sonofabitch. One for yes, two for no: are you alive?" Although we don't see Crowley, I think we can safely assume he is rolling his eyes. He should be a smartass and knock twice, but he knocks only once. Before Dean can open the trunk, Breakfast Dad grabs Dean from behind (fresh!) and holds an angel sword to his throat. It's kind of a dull, dinky sword; maybe it lost some luster in the fall. "You prayed?" Breakfast Dad asks. "Yeah, for help," Dean says. "Yeah, you'll be helping me," Breakfast Dad says. The music goes, "EEEEEEEEEEEE!"
After a break for commercials, Breakfast Dad bends Dean over the Impala's trunk. "If you lie to me, Dean Winchester, I will rip your throat out." Well, gee, if you put it so nicely... "Where is Castiel?" he asks. "Who's asking?" Dean wants to know. Well, pretty much all the angels, it turns out. They're kind of pissed about being booted out of Heaven. Dean refuses to blab, so Breakfast Dad starts bashing Dean's face into the Impala. He's ruining two beautiful things at once! He moves to stab Dean, but Tahmoh Penikett shows up just in time and stays his hand. "Easy, brother," he says. "This young man has prayed for our assistance. Are we creatures of wrath, or compassion?" Hahaha! Haha! Oh, you. "Forgive me, brother, I don't recognize you," Breakfast Dad says. "Happy to make your re-acquaintance, after you disarm," Tahmoh angel says. Breakfast Dad lowers his weapon, and then punches Tahmoh angel in the face. Why does he want to hurt beautiful things?! And then why does he just stand there afterward? "Come now," Tahmoh angel tut-tuts him, "is that any way to treat a brother injured in the fall?" Fisticuffs ensue! Breakfast Dad drops his sword during the scrap, so Dean picks it up and stabs him from behind. Hope those kids enjoyed that last breakfast with their dad. "Who are you?" Dean asks the surviving angel, who's kind of looking rough after that fight. "Never mind about me," he says. "You're Dean Winchester. I heard your prayer, and I am here to help." With that, his eyes roll up in his head and he drops to the ground, unconscious. Dean has that effect on people sometimes.
Castiel and Hael chat outside the truck stop. "It was a normal day, and then just... dark," she says. "And then I was just falling." When she asks him how such a thing could happen, he pretends he doesn't know. She looks him over and notices something. "Your grace is gone," she says. "I can still hear angel radio," he says. They really couldn't come up with a better name for that? "Then you've heard them," she says. "Our brothers and sisters, many still are circling for vessels..." They're like cars in a crowded parking lot, waiting for a space to open up. He tells her there's nothing to be afraid of, but she's pining for the purpose and order of Heaven. Apparently she's not super observant, because hasn't that place been pure chaos for a while now? On a side note, are they using straight up terracotta dust on Misha Collins? He is verging on pure orange.
Anyway, Castiel tries to talk up life here on Earth. The angels can do what they'd like now. "If you could do anything, what would it be?" he asks. She furrows her brow and thinks. She thinks some more. And then: "There's a place... I built it when I was last here, many years ago... a grand canyon." Castiel leaps to his feet and jabs an accusatory finger in her direction, shouting, "You cannot fool me! Erosion built the Grand Canyon! Don't take credit for things you didn't do!" Or maybe he just humors her with a smile and agrees to take her to see the Grand Canyon while I roll around in abject agony.
Meanwhile, Dean has set a ring of holy oil on fire around his unconscious angel friend. "You wanna help? Start with a name," he says when the angel wakes up. Weren't they almost out of holy oil before? Also, they appear to have moved to a loading bay, out of sight. "Ezekiel," the angel finally says. "Okay, Ezekiel, how do I know you're not hunting me or Castiel like the other angels?" Dean asks. "Oh, I'm sure there are many angels who are," Ezekiel says. Yeah, that's kind of what Dean just said, buddy. "Many more are on their way here, most likely," he goes on. Dean looks surprised, like what did he think would happen? Ezekiel says that he and some other angels believe in Castiel and Dean. Dean thinks it over. "You said you were hurt in the fall," he says. "What strength I have left, I offer to you," Ezekiel says. They make intense faces in the firelight. It's... intense.
But let's go back to Sam and Bobby's leisurely stroll through the woods. "I wanna fight, I do, but I feel like..." Sam sighs, unable to finish. "Like you got nothing to swing at?" Head Bobby asks. He advises Sam to stop fighting. Head Bobby goes on about Sam's legacy, and his sacrifices, and how he's saved the world. Sam's subconscious isn't terribly modest, is it?
Freed from the ring of fire, Ezekiel lays a hand against Sam's chest. "Are you still able to cure things after the fall?" Dean asks. "Yes, I should, but he's so weak," Ezekiel says. He concentrates on Sam's chest.
While he's doing that, Dean finally gets a call from Castiel, which he takes in the privacy of the hallway. Castiel explains about how Metatron tricked him. Dean's like, yeah, yeah, one problem at a time. He tells Castiel that Sam is dying. "Have you heard my prayers? I've been praying to you all night." Castiel, embarrassed again, says Metatron took his grace. Dean starts to freak out, but Castiel tells him not to worry. Dean tells him about Ezekiel, whom Castiel remembers as a good soldier. "He should be able to help until I get there," he says. "That's not an option," Dean says. He says a bunch of pissed-off angels are looking for him, and tells him to get to the Lair o' Letters. Like, right away. Castiel says he wants to help his new angel friend, but Dean is insistent. "Helping angels is what got you in trouble in the first place," he reminds Castiel. "I'm begging you, for once, look out for yourself." Castiel keeps saying he's fine, but then he hears an angry rumbling coming from the other end of the line. It's not Dean's growly voice, but an entourage of angels descending upon the hospital. He tells Castiel one last time to get to the LOL.
Dean gets back to Ezekiel, who thinks they should move Sam. Where could they possibly move him? It's not like Ezekiel can't teleport anymore. (Or maybe he can, but he just prefers the bus.) Dean's main concern is that Sam is too weak to be moved. He grabs some markers and starts drawing angel-proofing sigils all over the walls.
Hael has just gotten the bad news that she won't be going on any mule rides with Castiel. "My friend needs my help," Castiel says. "I need your help," Hael says. He apologizes, but Dean will always win out over any angel. As he turns to go, Hael picks up a piece of wood and bashes him across the head. Oh Hael no she didn't! Castiel falls to the ground, having acquired his first concussion after, what, and a whole hour of life as a human? He's really racking up the experiences.
Dean finishes up the last of the sigils and then goes out to do his thang. As glass windows shatter around him, he pulls the fire alarm and shouts for everyone to get the hell out.
Castiel wakes up to one nasty headache and realizes he's in a car with Hael at the wheel. He touches the back of his head and his hand comes away bloody. He seems markedly less pleased about this experience with pain than he did the one. He notices the angel sword lying across Hael's lap. "You understand that I couldn't just let you leave," she says. "I'd be lost without you, Castiel." She looks a little flushed and sweaty. "It's the least I could ask of you, considering this is all your fault," she says. He doesn't answer, but the look of guilt gives her all the confirmation she needs. She still plans on taking him to the Grand Canyon and dishing about humans. "We're going to become more than just friends," she says. "We're going to become one." He realizes this means she wants to possess him. Like, in the "taking over his vessel" sense and not in the "clingy girlfriend" sense. She pulls the neck of her dress to one side, showing him that her current vessel is already decaying.
In the hospital, Dean is helping the last of the stragglers to safety. One of them is the pushy grief counselor. He tries to shield her from that farmer angel who's just showed up, but a newly possessed Ms. Pushypants suddenly grabs Dean by the throat and lifts him off his feet.
But back to Sam for a bit. Head Bobby has just led him to a small cabin. Is it Rufus's cabin? It seems woodsier. "There it is," Head Bobby says. "Everything you need to help you on your way." He says a tearful goodbye to Sam, just as Head Dean pops up and stabs him in the back. Head Bobby fades out of the scene. Sam about poops himself with rage. "Dean! Are you insane?" Head Dean points out that Bobby was the part of him that wants to die. "I know it stings, but he had to go," he says. He could maybe also point out that Sam's the one who brought Dean back to kill Bobby, but whatever. Sam advances on Head Dean. "You have to go! When are you gonna realize it's over?" Sam is angry that Dean doesn't have a plan yet, but which Dean is he angry at, here? Head Dean starts beating the snot out of him. "My plan is to fight! My plan is to try!" He grabs Sam by his jacket and gives him a shake. "You're telling me there's nothing to hope for?" Head Dean asks. "No, I'm telling you there is," Sam, says, pointing to the cabin. Whatever he needs is supposed to be in there. "I can't help you if you ain't willing to fight for yourself," Head Dean says. "I know," Sam says, calmly removing Head Dean's hands from his jacket. "It's okay," he says. He pants Head Dean on the cheek and watches as he fades away. He takes a few, halting steps towards the cabin...
...and we're back with Dean, who's currently being dragged towards Sam's room by Old MacDonald and Ms. Pushypants. "Tell us where Castiel is," she says, "or your brother's gonna wish he were dead." Dean gloats about the angel warding, but Old MacDonald grabs an ax and starts hacking through the door like he's Jack Torrance. Ms. Pushypants punches and then kicks Dean in the face a few times. Dear God, what is with the assault on Dean's face?
Sam finally opens that cabin door and finds a man standing in front of the fireplace. Even with his back to us, there's something about the thinness of his frame and sweep of his iron-gray hair that looks familiar. Also, they totally gave it away in the promos. "Hello, Sam," Death says. "I've been waiting for you."
How does Dean have any teeth left? His face is just one, big bloody wound when Ms. Pushypants finally drops him to the floor. Dean waves a hand in surrender. "I'll tell you where Cass is," he says. Old MacDonald stops hacking at the door. "I just have one question... If Heaven is locked, then where do you go when I do this?" He raises himself up off the floor to reveal that he's drawn a symbol on the floor with his own blood. He slaps his hand down on it and consigns them to oblivion in a blinding flash of light.
Dean returns to Sam's room to find that his brother is getting worse, and that Ezekiel has been weakened by all the warding sigils. Dean starts drawing through them, undoing them, but Zeke isn't much improved. "I'm sorry, Dean," he says. He says it's too late. "Are you saying there's no way to save my brother's life?" Dean asks. "No good ways," he clarifies. As for the bad way, he says he might be able to heal Sam from the inside. Dean realizes this means possession. "No way," he says. "It's your call," Zeke says. But it's not. It's Sam's call, as Dean also realizes. He says Sam would never agree to being possessed, forgetting the time he did say yes to Lucifer. "He would rather die," Zeke agrees. He starts to walk away, so that Dean can say his goodbyes to his brother, but Dean calls him back. Also, what happened to asking the King of Hell for help? Is that just off the table for some reason now?
Dean asks Zeke to prove to him just how bad off Sam is, like the coma and the fricasseed organs and the pudding brain aren't enough. Zeke places one hand on Sam's forehead and the other on Dean's, serving as a conduit between their minds.
Death and Sam are having a nice fireside chat. "I must admit, when I heard it was you, I had to come myself," Death says. "I consider it to be quite the honor to be collecting the likes of Sam Winchester." This is just another figment of Sam's imagination, right? This isn't actually Capital-D Death fanboying all over him, is it? The being who says he will one day reap God Himself isn't gushing over Sam, is he? "I try not to pass judgment at times like these," Death goes on, "but you... Well played, my boy." Now here's a Sharpie for you to sign my chest! Eee! Sam just wants a guarantee that he'll be dead for real this time. No coming back soulless or anybody making deals for his return. He doesn't want anybody else getting hurt because of him. Death makes him a promise. Dean finally realizes (again) that things are serious.
Meanwhile, Castiel quietly fastens his seat belt and grabs the steering wheel from Hael. He drives them into a concrete barrier.
In the hospital room, Dean gets the particulars from Ezekiel. The plan is for Ezekiel to heal Sam while also healing himself. After that, he'll leave. That's what he says now, anyway. Dean thinks and struggles and wrestles with what needs to be done. "Sam will never say yes, not to you," Dean says. "But he would say yes to you," Ezekiel says. That would be all well and good if Dean were the one who planned to possess Sam, but he's not.
Castiel wakens after receiving his second concussion of the day. He's still belted into the passenger seat, but Hael, who didn't obey seat belt laws, has been ejected through the windshield. Castiel finds the sword in the grass and picks it up before approaching Hael, who lies broken and bloody a few feet away. Her legs are... everywhere. "I don't want to hurt you," Castiel tells her. "I didn't want to hurt any of them. I want to help you." He promises to help all the angels, but Hael says the angels don't want his help. They'll come for him. If she can possess him, she can protect him. He starts to walk away from her. "If you leave me in this broken girl, I swear it, Castiel, I will tell them where you are!" He tells her to stop, but she keeps going on about all the awful things the angels will do to him. Couldn't she just leave the girl's body even if she didn't have another vessel lined up? Just go circle the parking lot like the other angels. Or just hang out without a vessel. Didn't Anna do that for several thousand years? "I will go on angel radio and tell them everything," she says. So he skewers her with the angel sword. He looks almost as surprised as she does.
Death and Sam are just about to leave the cabin when Dean appears out of thin air. "I would have brought cronuts, but time is short," Dean says by way of apology to Death. Death generously allows the brothers some time. "What's going on?" Sam asks. "I found a plan," Dean says. Sam, who's been all set to die, is now feeling torn. "It's not his time," Dean says to Death. "That's for Sam to decide," Death says. But... isn't it actually Death's decision? If it were the real Death, that is. Dean reminds Sam of the promise he made in the church, to help him no matter what. "But you gotta let me in," Dean pleads. "There ain't no me if there ain't no you!" Sam looks like he wants to cry. Dean looks like he wants to cry. Death can't believe this weird codependent bullshit these brothers have going on. Sam thinks and thinks, and thinks some more. Then, to Dean: "What do I do?" Dean looks surprised. "Is that a yes?" he asks. "Yes," Sam says. Dean claps a hand on his shoulder, and his face morphs into Ezekiel's face, and Sam's like, "Buh?" Ezekiel glows and the light swallows Sam whole.
Now, a brief aside.
If you don't know what you're consenting to, then it's not consent. It's like if someone asks, "Hey, want a Hawaiian Punch?" and you say, "Sure!" and then that person punches you in the face instead of giving you a fruity drink. Except not even that, because at least that could be argued as semantics, right? No, this isn't even consent by the show's very loose definition of the word. Even when Zachariah tried to beat them into submission, at least they knew what they would be agreeing to. If getting someone to accept angel possession was this easy, Zachariah should have just been like, "Hey, Dean, do you like boobies? Yes? HAHA! You're possessed now!" It should take more than the word "yes." It should include intent.
But there's not enough space in all this recap to cover the things this show doesn't understand, so let's get back to the plot.
In the hospital, Ezekiel's former vessel is just waking up in Sam's former bed. He is surrounded by broken glass and weird magical symbols he doesn't understand. "What the hell is going on here?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea," says Ezekiel's former vessel. Hopefully Dean left him enough money for bus fare back home.
What's going on is that Ezekiel is now in Sam, and they're leaving the hospital with Dean. "How's it look in there?" Dean asks. "Not-good-there-is-much-work-to-be-done," Samekiel says. For some reason, Padalecki is acting this like a robot fresh off the factory floor, whereas Tahmoh Penikett's take on Ezekiel made him sound like a serenely wise monk. Samekiel says that Dean can't tell his brother what's happened. Dean thinks that's a pretty big secret to keep. "And-what-will-he-do-if-you-tell-him-he's-possessed-by-an-angel?" Samekiel asks. He says that Sam might eject him if he finds out, and then Sam will die. Dean hangs his head. He really, really hates this, because he's been through similar plots before and remembers how badly they went. Nonetheless, he nods, accepting the need for manufactured conflict. Robo-Angel then promises to erase the hospital business from Sam's memory, which shouldn't be too hard since he was unconscious the whole time.
Castiel wanders into a laundromat in the middle of the night, looking even more lost and forlorn than usual. Also, the blood on his cheek is crazy pink. It's all over his clothes, too, which are now actual clothes and not just extensions of his angelic self. So he strips right down to his pristine white boxers and stuffs everything else into a washing machine. That would be the death of his suit, but he decides, at the last moment, to use his quarters for something else. He looks longingly at a vending machine across the room. He cannot afford to wash his clothes and feed himself. Welcome to the human world of budgeting! A little while later, he walks out of the laundromat wearing stolen clothes. He spent his money on a bottle of water, which he guzzles with lusty appreciation. Perhaps week he'll learn that one of the benefits of being very good-looking is the ability to walk into any bar and have strangers ply you with free food and beverages.
Nighttime on the road. Sam wakes up. "Where are we?" he asks, sounding noticeably less robotic. He notices that Dean seems unusually surprised to see him. "What?" Dean tells him he's been out for a whole day. "What the hell happened?" Sam asks. "What do you remember?" Dean asks. The last thing he remembers are the angels falling, he says. "I knew you'd pull through," Dean says. "I meant what I said at the church. You're capable of anything." Sam shifts uneasily in his seat. Did they remember to take his catheter out? That'd be a hell of a thing to find the first time he went to the bathroom. Dean looks worried and guilty, which is sort of his default setting. Sam says they've got work to do. Job one: look up the definition of consent.
Tippi Blevins has been possessed by a recapping demon. Send holy water to b_tippi@yahoo.com, or chant spells at her on Twitter: @TippiB.