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Are you feeling too happy in your life? Are you feeling overly fulfilled? Do peaceful thoughts take up too much of your time? Well, look no further than this episode for the cure! Within moments of tuning in, you'll feel your bile rising like lava from the earth's crust! By the end of the episode, you'll wail like a banshee in anger and despair!
Okay, look. Angst, when it's earned, is a powerful thing -- but that's not what happens in this episode. Instead, we have sloppy manipulation in order to get the characters into place for the part of the story. It's obvious, predictable and annoying. Dean follows Sam to Texas, trying to explain what happened with Benny and Martin, but Sam is too busy delivering ultimatums and sleeping with Amelia. Sam and Amelia don't even seem to feel especially bad about it, because they are cheating cheaters who cheat. They decide they need a couple of days to figure out whether they're going to hook up again for a life of flat line deliveries and spark-free kissing.
Meanwhile, Castiel drops in on Dean and asks for his help in rescuing Samandriel, who spends most of the episode being tortured by Crowley and minions. Dean also gets a call from Benny, who feels like he's about to fall off the wagon. Dean's totally down with helping him, right after the angel rescue. Castiel decides they also need Sam for some damned reason and steals him away from his moping in Texas.
They succeed in setting Samandriel free, but not before the poor, adorable little angel has been tortured into revealing that there exists a Word of God: Angel Edition. Naomi is not pleased. She deems Samandriel a traitor and orders Castiel to kill him. Naomi is controlling the angels with her own little torture sessions, which Samandriel realizes too late and Castiel realizes not at all, because he's still under her control. He ends the poor, adorable little angel without even fully understanding why and it is completely heartbreaking.
At the end, Sam and Dean realize there's something fishy with Castiel. Sam also realizes there's too much going on for him to go be boring with Amelia, so he skips their rendezvous. At the same time, Dean breaks up with Benny by phone. Like, forever. Why? Because of Sam's ultimatum? Because the universe was out of whack with just one brother being lonely? It makes no real sense. It's just plot-driven angst to make sure the Winchesters are stuck together, like two sides of an infected wound that have been sloppily stitched together. For this and other rants, stay tuned for the full recap.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!The show is really getting a lot of mileage out of Dean's "exploding Dick" line, isn't it? (Or, rather, they're trying to get a lot of mileage out of it, but it's not exactly the Impala of dialogue.) Dean explains in the THEN! montage that that's how he got to Purgatory. I usually like to recap these things just in case the reader has given up on the show, but this one is kind of a mess. It's got lots of headache-inducing quick cuts and flashes and even a few special effects shots from episodes that don't really have anything to do with anything. I mean, there's a flash of that heart-eating lady from that terrible Maya sports hero episode, which this show should forever disavow rather than attempt to use as an enticement to viewers.
All you really need to know going into this week is that Amanda Tapping got Castiel out of Purgatory for some (probably) nefarious plan and is totally screwing with his head. All the while, Bob Seger is singing about Katmandu, which, incidentally, is one of the only places to which the Impala has never driven. Everything else will be explained in exposition along the way.
The episode starts with poor, doomed Samandriel, still wearing his vessel's perfectly awful Wiener Hut uniform. He is caked in dried blood and other grime of unknown origin. It looks like he's gotten a haircut since last we saw him, and it's not an especially great one. The torture just never ends for this guy, does it? Also, the handle end of an awl is protruding from his forehead. Samandriel, strapped into his chair but alone for the moment, sits up and concentrates. Through sheer willpower, he forces the awl out of his head. "Naomi?" he whispers. "Naomi, Crowley has me." The door opens behind him. Poor Samandriel looks petrified. His eyes fill with tears. A man in a white lab coat leans down over him and chides him for trying to dial into Angel Radio. Samandriel swears he did no such thing, but Lab Coat isn't buying it. "Now we're going to have to turn off the signal again," he says, and jams the awl back into Samandriel's beleaguered noggin. "NOOOOO!" screams Samandriel, partly from the physical pain, but also maybe partly because he senses we're heading to...
... Kermit, Texas. Sam has checked into the very same motel room where he and Amelia once shared their nights of tepid passion. Sam sits around, drinking beer and looking unhappy. Someone knocks at the door. It takes him a full 15 seconds to answer it, like we don't have anything better to do than watch him mosey. He's displeased to find Dean standing there and starts to close the door. Then he thinks better of it, because how will Dean be able to see his flaring nostrils and pressed lips of disapproval if he closes the door? "Long drive?" Sam asks snittily. About as long as the drive you took in Martin's car, you dingus. There's a big neon "Motel" sign on the outside of the window, except it's facing the wrong way to attract motorists. The only person who'd be able to read it is the one in that very room. I have become distracted by this because my brain doesn't want to focus on what's actually happening in this scene, which is that Sam and Dean are having another one of their bitch fits.
Sam is still acting all self-righteous and pissy and Dean is still trying to explain what actually happened back in Louisiana. Dean is a great fighter, especially post-Purgatory, but he's crap at explaining things. "It was self-defense," he says of Benny killing crazy Martin, without any mention of Martin threatening Benny's human descendent. Sam scoffs. "Seriously, Dean? That's the story you're going with? That the vampire was the real victim here?" Sam makes a series of ugly faces that make me want to get a very tall ladder so I can punch him. The brothers piss and moan and the importance of truth, because Benny's not really the thing that Sam is most upset about. Dean eventually catches on that Amelia is the root of all this boring melodrama. He makes a face like he can't believe we're still dealing with this. Sam is pissed that Dean sent him the fake text and made him think that Amelia was in the midst of meeting the same fate as Jess. Because who better to text than your ex-boyfriend the plumber when demons are killing you? Maybe he can come to the rescue with his handy strap wrench!
Dean, sounding very tired, says, "You were gonna kill Benny. What was I supposed to do?" Sam paces around and makes more faces. "Is that who we are?" he asks. "You save a vampire by making me believe the woman I love might be dead?" Again, it's unlikely that people who are in the middle of dying are going to text you, especially with proper punctuation and spelling. Dean admits he was wrong for sending the text (he totally wasn't), but points out that Sam should have trusted him in the first place. Sam just gets more upset because he thinks Dean wanted him to trust Benny, which, no, he didn't. If they're going to fight, they should at least fight about the right damned things. "What the hell do we do now?" Dean asks. "That depends on you," Sam says. "On whether or not you're done with him." Oh, for crying out loud. Are they related to each other or dating each other? The staging of this whole scene, from the angles to the lighting to the music, is like something out of a soap opera lovers' quarrel. They throw manly pouts at each other while sad violins play. Finally, Dean leaves without really giving Sam an answer.
The sheer force of the Winchester angst reaches all the way out to a random playground and causes a small child to start crying. Her mother tries to comfort her to no avail. Castiel appears out of thin air and diagnoses the child. It turns out it's not Sam and Dean's epic manpain at work after all, but an inguinal hernia, which actually hurts slightly less. Castiel touches the baby and she turns instantly happy. Castiel disappears again before anybody can be like, "What's that strange, raspy-voiced guy in an overcoat doing at a playground touching babies?"
He finds himself sitting in Naomi's office. He looks confused, but Naomi gets right down to business. She tells him that Crowley has Samandriel. Unfortunately, she doesn't know exactly where. "You will find him and you will bring him home," she says, sounding quite emotional. Castiel, who appears to have gotten himself a much nicer haircut than poor Samandriel, starts making plans at once. "I'll need help getting in," he says, figuring that Crowley would have warded himself against angels this time. "Take whatever help you need," Naomi says. "But you will be certain, Castiel, it was your idea to rescue Samandriel -- not mine, not Heaven's." Castiel looks confused again, which is getting to be his default mode these days.
Meanwhile, Dean is fast asleep in Rufus's old cabin, cradling a beer bottle in the crook of his arm almost like a teddy bear. Castiel shows up and just watches him for a while. Eventually, Dean feels the weight of that blue-eyed stare upon him and wakes with a start. "Damn it, Cass! How many times I gotta tell you? It's just creepy!" I believe the word he meant to say was "adorable." Castiel says he needs his help. "The angel Samandriel, he's been taken." He says he heard the distress call. Dean is surprised to learn that Castiel is once again tuning in to Angel Radio. It's got all the best hits of the '80s. Castiel says his penance is going well. "I've been helping people," he says, looking a mite pleased with himself. He's got a general location (Hastings, Nebraska) but he needs Dean's people skills to get them any closer than that. Dean fires up his laptop and tries without much success to hide the Asian porno site that's still open in his browser. Castiel says that an angel's screams of pain will create a "ripple effect" of strange incidents, which is the first we're hearing of this, I believe. Perhaps it will be important later. Castiel notices there's a distinct lack of bitchiness in the air. "Where's Sam?" he wonders. "Sam's gone," Dean says in a way that doesn't invite further inquiry.
Back we go to the motel in Kermit. Sam is watching a show about dung beetles, which I can't help but feel is significant. It's as if the show is saying, "Be prepared for shit to come rolling by." Right on cue, Amelia shows up on Sam's doorstep. They engage in a long, awkward chat that comes across like an acting exercise in a high school drama class. It's flat and stilted, as if the participants are reading directly from their scripts. Well, Sam's part isn't too bad, but Amelia is just really awful. Even the dung beetle would be like, "Man, that stinks." Anyway, to sum up: Amelia apparently fled the bar soon after confronting Sam because, well, she's still married to her still-living husband. She says she was feeling pretty content until Sam showed up again. Sam offers to leave, but they just keep moving closer and closer to each other until they're kissing because that's just how awful they are.
For something slightly less painful, let's check in on Samandriel. Dr. Lab Coat has outfitted him with a halo -- not the heavenly sort, but rather a device to keep the awl in place. Samandriel begs for mercy, but this is a demon we're talking about. Lab Coat waxes anatomical. "When we demons possess a human, we invade all of them -- their muscles, their bones, their brains." He wonders if it's the same for angels. There's no reason it should be, of course. Demons were once human, according to the show, but angels are different creatures entirely. There's no reason they would biologically homologous to humans. An angel could theoretically stow its mind in its vessel's ass, but that wouldn't serve the show's purpose. So Lab Coat pokes a long screw into Samandriel's vessel's noggin. This time when Samandriel screams, a jar full of re liquid shatters. Lab Coat smiles with delight and tightens the screw some more. Samandriel stops screaming and chants something that sounds like Klingon.
In some nearby suburban hamlet, a man in a business suit is walking down the street when he hears the chanting. He stops in his tracks and turns towards a bush. The bush rustles at him. Samandriel chants some more. The bush explodes in flames, sending Mr. Business Suit flying into the nearest fence.
Dean and Castiel arrive in Geneva, Nebraska by way of Impala instead because there's apparently still an inconsistent ban on the use of angel mojo. Dean and Castiel pretend to be reporters so they can get into Mr. Business Suit's hospital room. "I wanted to ask you a few questions about your ambush," Dean says, a little too pleased with his pun. Mr. Business Suit tells them that the bush talked to him, but has no idea what it was saying. He agrees with me that it sounded like Klingon. "We're gonna need exact words," Dean says, pen and notepad at the ready. "Are you serious?" Mr. Business Suit asks. "That's his serious face," Castiel says helpfully. Mr. Business Suit repeats what he can. Castiel recognizes the words as Enochian, which is the language of both angels and mushrooms. As he and Dean leave the hospital, Castiel explains that the words mean "obey." Dean's big plan to find Crowley is to just drive around until they find demons.
Kermit, Texas. Amelia stands in the bathroom doorway, clad in Sam's plaid shirt. "It's official -- I am the worst human being alive," she says. "No, I am the worst human being alive," says Sam. Or maybe Amelia just makes a lame joke about hating motels and Sam lies curled up on the bed looking like his usual pissy self. "Say something," she says when he remains silent. "What would you like me to say?" he asks. They proceed to have a weird discussion in which Amelia tells Sam about what a good guy Don is and how she doesn't want to hurt him. But she still thinks about Sam all the time and can't let go of him if he keeps showing up, like there's an event horizon around him and if he gets too close then neither light nor her lady parts can escape. Amelia says she would be with him if he decided to stay. He gives her such a look of love and hope instead of realizing, hey, this woman is kind of fickle. "But if you leave," she goes on, "don't come back. I can't have you with one foot in my life and one foot out there, doing whatever it is you do." He decides he needs some time to think it over. They agree to wait two days and meet up again at the motel if they decide to be together.
Back in Nebraska, Castiel and Dean drive up to the ninth abandoned factory of the day. Seems like it would have been easier and faster for Castiel to scope each one out on his own, but whatever. Maybe Dean just likes having him in the car. But at last their search is over, for Castiel recognizes all the hobos loitering around outside as demons. There are a lot of them, and probably many more inside, Dean figures. "You, me and a demon knife ain't gonna cut it," Dean says. Castiel volunteers to fetch Sam, but Dean stops him. "If Sam wanted in, he'd be here," he says. Castiel makes an exasperated face. Dean says he's got a better idea.
Dean's "better idea" is for Castiel to zap them both over to Garth's houseboat which isn't really a houseboat at all. It is some kind of boat, but calling it a house of any kind is beyond generous. There they find Kevin Tran, who is still struggling with his half of the demon tablet. "You look horrible," Castiel remarks, displaying those famous people skills of his. Kevin seems to be alone and would prefer to get back to his futile duties, but Dean wants him to whip up another batch of demon bombs. This requires some really obscure ingredients, for which Castiel volunteers to go shopping. This seems like something of a lack of forethought on Metatron's and/or God's part. Wouldn't you want people to be able to destroy demons fairly easily? If I were writing a spell to get rid of demons, it'd be, like, balloons filled with Mountain Dew.
Time to check in on poor, doomed Samandriel again. Crowley is none too happy to have been called in to the torture session. "What on earth could you possibly need now, Viggo?" he asks Dr. Lab Coat. "I've given you ever torture instrument known to man short of a Neil Diamond album." He shows Crowley that with the twist of a screw, he can make Samandriel babble in Enochian. Crowley tries it for himself. "Zorba later," says Samandriel. "Saute broccoli!" Well, that's what it sounds like, anyway. Crowley translates it thusly: "You, celestial being, have been created to be an Angel of the Lord." He calls it Samandriel's "factory settings." He twists the screw again. Samandriel screams again. "SAUTE BROCCOLI!"
Houseboat. Dean gets a call from Benny, who is at some unidentified park, watching some unidentified family eating their lunch. Dean isn't especially happy to hear from his vampire buddy. "I thought I told you to go underground," he says. "I am so far under, I am breathing through a straw, brother," says Benny. He thanks Dean for standing up for him in Louisiana, then asks for Dean's help again. He's an addict calling his sponsor. Dean says he'll help out just as soon as he's done with this case. Benny seems relieved for the moment.
Dean turns his attention to Kevin, who is still poring over the fractured tablet. They talk about Mrs. Tran. Kevin sent her away someplace safe so that he could focus on his work. Dean is perplexed. "The angels said I had to go to the desert to learn the Word of God," Kevin explains. He gestures at the barely floating rust heap around him. "This is my desert." Dean is still baffled. "But your mom's your mom," he says. "I can't enjoy a world I need to save," Kevin says. There's nothing more important than his work right now. Dean looks thoughtful.
Sam is sitting on a park bench somewhere in Kermit, watching the world go by, when Castiel suddenly appears beside him. Sam jumps. "Watching humanity never gets old, does it?" Castiel asks. Sam looks like he may have pooped himself.
A moment later, Castiel flits back to the houseboat with Sam in tow. Dean is none too pleased. He and Sam start in with the bickering. Castiel has decided that watching this particular portion of humanity has gotten a bit old. "I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?" Sam and Dean remain silent, but give each other ridiculously intense stares. I have not once looked at my brother like that.
They all head over to Crowley's Torture Factory in the Impala. Castiel gives them instructions about the angel warding symbols they need to destroy. "So, we go in and take care of the hell mooks and you extract the angel?" Dean asks. Shouldn't they have covered all this by now? What were they doing in the car on the way over? Castiel confirms the plan, then adds, "After killing so many, I need to save at least this one." He hands Sam one of those angel swords that used to seem so special. He says it kills demons as well as angels. Like, they could have been using this thing all along instead of passing the demon knife back and forth?
The Winchesters kill a hobo-clad demon, then use his keys to get inside. Seems like it would have been quicker to just bypass the demon entirely and jimmy the lock, instead of leaving a conspicuous dead body lying around, but whatever. What's done is done. Also, the music is super weird right now. It's like Steven Seagal could show up in a suede fringed jacket at any moment.
Meanwhile, in the torture chamber, Crowley is once again putting the screws to Samandriel. The poor, doomed little angel shrieks. "Vole may paralyze!" Crowley recognizes that Samandriel is talking about the tablets. He twists the screw again, eliciting another howl of pain. I hope someone gave this actor a lozenge between scenes.
Sam and Dean go their separate ways inside the factory, each spray-painting over warding symbols as they come to them. Sam gets jumped by a demon, then throws him to the ground like a duffel bag of dirty laundry. As soon as he dispatches the demon with his new angel sword, another demon immediately jumps him from behind. This time, Dean grabs the demon and finishes him off, then gives Sam an odd scowl.
They hear Samandriel screaming and head towards the sound. Two demons chase after them. For some reason, both the Winchesters set off demon bombs even though one would have surely sufficed. Now Castiel is going to have to shopping again.
Crowley and Dr. Lab Coat somehow manage to hear the ruckus over Samandriel's pained wails. Dr. Lab Coat thinks they should flee, but Crowley pays him no mind.
Dean paints over the last of the main symbols. Castiel flutters his way inside. He sways on his feet. "It must be the sigils," he says. "I'm not at full power." Dean hurries to paint over more of the symbols, but Castiel insists there's no time. He grabs his head, sees a flash of some kind of drill coming at him. He hears a high-pitched whine, like the buzzing of Angel Radio. Sam and Dean struggle to open the door to the torture chamber while Castiel shrinks against the nearest wall. More flashes. Naomi holding the drill, aiming for his pretty blue eye. He cowers on the floor, clutching his sword. He looks very small and young. Sam and Dean hurl themselves at the door, again and again, desperate to break it down.
Inside, Crowley is still trying to get information out of Samandriel. "Pawn a sigh! Are those a fave?" The door hinges are moments away from giving in to the combined manliness of the Winchester shoulders. "Spit it out, you heavenly piece of filth!" Crowley shouts. "Pod day, rah!" says Samandriel. Crowley is stunned. "There's an angel tablet," he says, interpreting the latest chants.
The Winchesters finally overcome the door, but Crowley has vanished. Only Samandriel and Dr. Lab Coat remain. For some reason, Lab Coat decides to stick around and fight instead of vomiting himself out of his vessel. He and Dean scuffle while another demon shows up to take on Sam. While Castiel carefully removes the various screws and the awl from poor, doomed Samandriel's noggin, he again sees himself at Naomi's mercy. "Hold still," Naomi tells him. She has him restrained in a white leather dentist's chair. She goes into his eye with the drill. In the factory, Castiel removes the last of the screws and the halo. Castiel touches Samandriel's face, which lights up with such relief.
During all that, Sam and Dean have been fighting their demons. A spare bomb would come in handy about now, wouldn't it? They finally off the newcomer demon and turn their attentions to Dr. Lab Coat. "Wait! I know things," he pleads. Dean, without taking his eyes off the demon, waves to Castiel. "Cass, go!" The angels flutter away. Dr. Lab Coat continues to plead for his life. "There's so much you don't know! You need me!" The logical thing to do would be keep the guy around and question him a bit, but then the Winchesters would know about the angel tablet and we can't have that. So Dean guts him with the demon knife, thus ensuring their ignorance for a few more episodes.
Castiel and Samandriel materialize near the Impala. "You're safe," Castiel tells the poor, doomed angel. "I'm taking you home." This fills Samandriel with dread rather than relief. He clutches at Castiel's sleeves and pleads with him not to take him back to Heaven. He confesses that he told Crowley things he shouldn't have. "He got to our coding," he says. "Secrets I didn't even know we had." Samandriel tells him about Naomi, but it's like the first time Castiel has heard the name. "They're controlling us, Castiel," says Samandriel.
Naomi yanks Castiel into her office. "Kill him!" she shouts. Castiel is confused. He wants to know why he saw her face, why he was so afraid. "What did you do to me?" he asks. She grabs him by his lapels and orders him to kill Samandriel. She shoves him away...
...and he's back on Earth again. His face looks pale and drawn, his eyes vacant. His sword slides from his sleeve into his hand, and then into Samandriel. Castiel calmly lowers the poor, doomed angel to the ground as the light goes out of him. Castiel seems without emotion until the whole awful thing is over. Then he looks quietly devastated to have killed the one angel he was trying to save.
"What did I just do?" he asks, suddenly back in Naomi's office. "You killed a traitor," she tells him. She says that Samandriel told Crowley about the angel tablet, but Castiel's guilt isn't assuaged. "I just killed one of our own to protect a tablet?" She reminds him of what the demon tablet can do, implying that the angel tablet would do much the same to them. Castiel should wonder why God would want to harm the angels, but he's not quite right in the head these days. "You're a hero," Naomi says. "And that's what I tell Sam and Dean?" he wonders.
The Winchesters find him holding Alfie's lifeless body. "You tell them Samandriel had been compromised," Naomi says. He echoes her words to Sam and Dean. She tells him to say he acted in self-defense, and so he does. Dean stares at him. "Cass, are you okay?" Blood runs from the corner of Castiel's eye like a tear. It's really quite an effective visual. "My vessel must have been damaged in the melee," he explains, sounding almost a bit... robotic. Naomi tells him to bring the body back to Heaven so she can see how far Crowley got. As if Samandriel hadn't already suffered enough, now he'll be subjected to what promises to be a gruesome autopsy. Castiel flutters away with Samandriel over Dean's protests.
Later, Sam and Dean take what's left of the spray paint and deck out Rufus's cabin with warding symbols of their own. Thus guarded against peeping angel eyes, they're free to wonder what the hell is going on with Castiel. "I told you something was off with him since he got back from Purgatory," Dean says. "You think someone's messing with him?" Sam asks. Dean scoffs at the idea that angels might be making him kill other angels because he's forgotten just what assholes 90 percent of them really are. But he does remember that Sam's not even supposed to be there. "You know what, man? I got this. You go." Sam is surprised. Dean says he's just tired of fighting. The scene could have ended right there, but no! "You know, maybe I'm a little bit jealous," Dean says. "I could never separate myself from the job like you could." He thinks it would be nice if one of them could be happy. Suddenly, though, Sam is feeling torn. Dean tells him he needs to make up his mind, but not in an overly bossy way. "Both feet in or both feet out," he says, because the show loves its parallels. "Anything in between is what gets you dead."
Sam takes a walk to think things over. Dean takes the opportunity to call Benny, who's sucking down a blood bag and looking like he'd rather have something fresher. He's relieved to hear from Dean, but it's not the good news he was hoping for. Dean thanks Benny for everything he's done, but it's over. He looks pained to say it, and why he's saying it is a mystery. Let's look at the options:
1. He's choosing Sam over Benny, as per Sam's ultimatum -- except he doesn't even know at this point whether Sam is staying.
2. He's shedding his distractions like Kevin did -- except it's not like every single case from now on is going to focus on the tablet hunt. Also, Benny isn't just a friend, he's also a supernatural creature, which kind of makes him part of the job by default. Not to mention, it might be handy to have Benny's help. He's a better fighter than Sam, right?
3. The show is contriving a scenario where Benny starts killing people again, leading to yet more Winchester fighting and angst.
You can probably guess which option I'm betting on, right? Anyway, Dean and Benny say their goodbyes, and they both look miserable, and they don't even get one last hug because they're thousands of miles apart.
That night, Dean sits in the cabin, looking thoughtful and sad as he barely watches a boxing match on an ancient TV. This, coupled with the sad music, is meant to make us think he's all alone, but it's Amelia who finds herself so. She shows up at the motel room and she's the only one there because Sam is at Rufus's cabin, cooking dinner. He and Dean give each other resigned looks and dig into their bowls of mystery slop in complete silence, far lonelier with each other's company than without it.
Tippi Blevins has been possessed by a recapping demon. Send holy water to b_tippi@yahoo.com, or chant spells at her on Twitter: @TippiB.