Thanks to Wing Chun and Glark, who hurriedly mailed off a tape of the season finale after I came home and discovered I had accidentally taped the last half-hour of 60 Minutes instead of Sports Night.
Fade in with Isaac on the phone saying, "I understand," and "I want to be kept posted throughout the day and night," and he hangs up the phone. We see Dana in his office, staring at him. He tells Dana a company called Quo Vadimus has entered the bidding for Continental Corp. "From out of nowhere?" asks Dana, incredulous. She wants to know what has happened to MDI, the other bidder, and Isaac says they're still in it. Dana gets up and starts pacing, telling Isaac, "We want MDI." She's flummoxed by these other guys coming in -- "Platypus," she calls them, and Isaac corrects her. No one knows anything about Quo Vadimus (and at first I was confused because I was thinking, "Quo Vadis? The company that makes those daily planners?"), but Isaac says they're getting info. "In the meantime," he begins to lecture her, but Dana interrupts to promise she won't say anything to anyone, except I think we all know (including Isaac) just how much that sentence means coming from Dana. She wants to know when she's blabbed anything Isaac has told her, and he says, "Every day you've been here," so you think maybe he might have learned his lesson by now. How does that saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 840 times, shame on me." Isaac tells her they'll know more by the end of the day and tells her not to start a "brushfire," which refers either to her loose lips or her tendency to throw lit cigarettes into wastebaskets. She says something about her incredible capacity for growth.
She leaves and skulking around in the hall is Natalie, and thank God she doesn't have a "coconut piña colada" in her hand this week. Of course, Dana tells her everything, even furtively glancing over her shoulder back towards Isaac's office. Natalie wants to know what "Quo Vadimus" means and whether or not they'll want the cable company. Dana doesn't know. "What does it sound like they do?" asks Natalie. "Sounds like they're the official airline of the Holy Roman Empire," says Dana, which I thought was a pretty funny line. They're in the newsroom now. "Well, they're probably not that," says Natalie. "Can't make any money doing that," which I also thought was funny. Dana says, "Isaac asked me to keep this quiet --" but Natalie stops her and yells at the top of her lungs, "Kim, Elliot, get me everything you can on a company called Quo Vadimus, they put in a bid for Continental Corp," and everyone can hear her and Dana grimaces, or maybe she was jealous that she didn't get to blab it this time. "See you at the rundown," says Natalie to Dana as they split, and that's also Dan and Casey's cue to begin their part of the scene . . .
. . . as the camera just switches over to their (Dan's) office, and Dan says there is absolutely no way he can be expected to concentrate under these circumstances, and Casey, looking a little exasperated about this, says, "Danny," and for most people at CSC, these distracting circumstances would likely be the sale of Continental Corp., but this is Dan we're talking about here, and Kim says, "What happened?" and Casey says, "Rebecca sent him flowers," and Dan all manic walks through the newsroom, and all of the TCs but Will get lines as we go over the arrival in last week's episode of "flowers for Algernon" here. Dan says, "She walks out of my life a year ago and walks back in with cards and a flower," and I'm assuming he meant "flowers and a card," so maybe Josh Charles flubbed a line, or maybe it was supposed to be that way because Danny is all distracted. If it was intentional, I thought it was a nice detail. If it was a mistake, frigging learn your lines, Charles, it's your season finale over here. Casey finally ropes Dan back into his office and suggests Dan just get it over with and call her, and I yell at the screen, "No, Danny, don't call her!" and Dan says, "Call her?" and then very determinedly says, "I'm not calling her!" and Casey says, "Okay, let's get to work." Dan continues, "There's no WAY I'm calling her!" and I cheer, except this looks suspiciously like fake macho posturing, and Dan says he couldn't call her even if he wanted to because she has a new number. "How do you know?" asks Casey. "Tried calling her," says Dan, as I hang my head in shame for my namesake. But I did laugh.
Dana walks in and tells them there's a new bidder for Continental Corp., but she won't tell them any more since Isaac doesn't trust her to keep information to herself, and that rumours get all twisted up and she's going to prove him wrong. Cut to Isaac's office, where Isaac is holding a stopwatch and saying, "3 . . . 2 . . . 1" and Jeremy barges into his office and says, "Isaac, I don't know if you heard, six this morning there was a bid from an Italian airline called Platypus. Purple monkey dishwasher." "Yeah," says Isaac. "Keep it under your hat, would you?" That Isaac! He knows his staff so well!
Back from commercials, Jeremy, who is carrying a box while he walks with Dan, actually has accurate information about Quo Vadimus. "Back in the early nineties, a guy named Calvin Trayger perfected something called the hard disk controller." Essentially, this device enabled hard disks to be a lot smaller than they were before Trayger invented this thing. He formed a company to sell it and made $100 million by the time he was twenty-five, which I means I have about a month and a half before I reach that milestone to make a staggering amount of money so I can beat this Trayger guy. It can be done! But never mind that, because of course, at about this time, the light bulbs start going off over everyone's heads as the entire Sports Night audience (which is what these days, about twelve people?) thinks, "Aha! That's who Balding Guy With Big Sideburns is." Not Dana, though. Anyway, Calvin started buying companies. Jeremy lists a bunch that may or may not be real, most likely not. Jeremy says six months ago, Calvin formed a holding company for all his businesses. "Quo Vadimus," deduces Dana, who is apparently not completely brain-dead. Jeremy figures a company like Quo Vadimus isn't interested in the show. They're interested in the coaxial cable, guesses Dana. "How did you know?" asks Jeremy, and Dana starts explaining about the guy she met in the bar in more "how obvious is it that this guy is the new bidder" dialogue. But Dana doesn't clue in here. She does finally ask Jeremy why he's carrying the box around, and he explains that he's settling up his affairs. "What affairs?" Dana wants to know. "Whatever we mean by that when we say it," says Jeremy. Then he explains to Dana that last year he went into his office while she wasn't there. There was a pack of Juicy Fruit on her desk. He took it. So now he's replacing it. I wish the son-of-a-bitch who stole my Reese's peanut butter cups from my desk last year were as moral as Jeremy. Dana accepts the gum. Then Dana tells Jeremy she's going for lunch and tells him to ask Dan and Casey what it will take for them to give her some draft copy. Kim passes by. Jeremy accosts her and gives her back her seven-minute ab video, which cracked me up, and Kim kind of rolls her eyes. Which reminds me -- if the girl (who I won't embarrass by naming here) who has my copy of the book High Fidelity would like to settle her affairs, I know I'd appreciate it.
Jeremy walks into Dan and Casey's office and repeats Dana's question about what it would take for her to see some draft copy. "It's going to take us writing it," says not-helpful Casey. It's not his fault, though, because Dan is still in a tizzy. Then Dan tells Jeremy the new bidder is not, in fact, an Italian airline called Platypus. Jeremy leaves and Dan and Casey sit down to work. "We're writers," they say. They write nothing.
Cut to Anthony's, where Jack ventures out from behind the bar to give Dana a glass of wine. Dana appears to be too wrapped up in her book to notice him. Jack goes back to the bar and we hear -- but not see -- someone say, "Hey Jack," and the two of them have a little conversation. And of course the only reason we're able to hear this seemingly innocuous conversation is because it's obviously BG w/ BS, but the camera still does this slow pan around Dana to reveal the bar and BG w/ BS, who then spins around on his stool and sees Dana and he says, "How ya doin'," like maybe he should use some of his supposed fortune to buy some elocution lessons. Dana looks up, sees BG w/ BS, and says, "I don't believe this," because there is something inherently shocking about seeing a guy in a bar, I guess. "This is pretty weird," she says. "I mean, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this," as though she's the only one with the right to go to that particular bar every single day. "Every time I've come in in the last three days you've been in here, so I'm saying I'm not comfortable with it." BG w/ BS points out that she has been in here every time he has too, "yet I remain unconcerned," like here we go again with the flat dry monotone that I loved so much all last episode. "What is your story?" she asks him. He starts explaining that he was born in Minnesota, which I think is going back farther than necessary for the purposes of Dana's question. Dana wants to know what he does for a living. "I own my own business," he says, but she doesn't ask him what the business is. She's interrogating him rather vaguely, I think.
BG w/ BS gets his beer from Jack and invites himself to sit down at Dana's table. "What book are you reading?" he asks. She flips to the cover and says, "It's the new biography of Lyndon Johnson," and the real reason the recap is so late is because once I heard there was a new Lyndon Johnson biography out I had to rush out and buy it and read it cover to cover. Dana asks BG w/ BS another question, and he looks deep into her soul and says, "You don't really want to talk about me, do you." Statement, not question. "You seem pretty down," he says, which Dana denies. "You're drinking alone at five in the afternoon?" he says, and I coughed a little nervously at that little accusation. Dana says he's having a glass of wine with lunch and that because she works from noon to midnight, five is her lunch hour, so, just like an alcoholic would, Dana has this handy justification for her drinking and somehow feels the need to rationalize it to this perfect stranger. This guy disputes that she's even reading the book, pointing out she had to check the cover after he asked her what she was reading. Her facade crumbling, Dana says, "MDI Transcom came in the way you said it would," as if the guy doesn't already know. Then she says, "Another bidder came in this morning," as if he doesn't already know. "If they get it, that's pretty much the ball game." He says, "Do you feel responsible for the show failing?" Dana gets a bit of an edge in her voice as she says, "The show didn't fail." BG w/ BS just looks at her with a therapist's smile. She starts talking about how Isaac took a chance on her and she didn't rise to meet his expectations. "There are people who work for me who needed me to be a better field captain. The show didn't fail, but I do feel responsible and that's going to have to be all right with you." I was very moved by Dana's speech.
BG w/ BS asks if she wants to hear what he thinks will make her feel better. "I really don't," she says, lifting her wine glass and taking a hefty belt of "lunch." He asks, rhetorically, if he has been wrong about anything in the three-day history of their relationship. I guess this guy doesn't have a lot of the traditional criteria for what constitutes a "relationship," such as knowing each other's names. Anyway, he leans forward a little and says, "I'm what the world considers to be a phenomenally successful man." Okay, Mr. Humble, although he says he's failed much more than he's succeeded. "And each time I fail, I get my people together and say, 'Where are we going?'" which I bet induces much eye-rolling among his employees since he says he fails so much. I have to say it's a good thing that Dana doesn't have even a rudimentary understanding of Latin, because this "where are we going?" business is a dead giveaway. He says things got better after he asked that. "That's what you should do," he tells her. Dana, drunk off her ass, says, "I should get your people together and ask where they're going?" Well, no, she didn't. I made that up. "That's it?" Dana asks, for real. "'Where are we going?'" Exceedingly unimpressed. "That was what you thought was going to make me feel better?" I certainly prefer snappy Dana to mopey Dana any day. She asks him, "Do I have to close my eyes or click my heels or anything?" "Well, you can mock it if you want to," says BG w/ BS. "I think I will, thanks," says Dana, which made me laugh. She then says the streak is certainly over, and so is her lunch break. BG w/ BS goes back to sit at the bar and Dana gets up to go. But he says, "It's not over yet. MDI Transcom could step up with the money and outbid the other guys." She asks him if he thinks that will happen. "No," he says. Dana leaves.
Back at work, Dan and Casey are walking around, and they figure they can focus now because they have sandwiches. I don't understand it either. These guys act just like I did at university whenever I was procrastinating on starting on a major paper. Casey bitches at Dave to get a ladder out of the way because he's already walked under it seven times and they don't need any more bad luck. I wonder who runs the plantation when Casey's not around. Dave goes to get a grip to help him move it. Dan and Casey head into the editing room where they pledge to "focus," and by "focus" I guess they mean "eat our sandwiches," and I have trouble figuring out why they needed to go to the editing room to do that. Dan says, "Can you believe she sent me flowers right out of the blue?" So much for focusing. Casey says, "Back to the office." They get up. Ha ha! They couldn't focus! They leave the editing room, and a blonde woman in a purple dress says, "Hey Danny, did you get my flowers?" And I have decided there are not nearly enough cute blonde women in purple dresses saying those exact words to me. Dan turns around and is stunned by Rebecca; then he is stunned by a ladder in the back of his head as the grip swings it around. Dan falls over. Oh my God! They killed Danny!
Back from commercials, Dan is sitting in a chair getting fussed over by Tertiary Characters, Lesser Tertiary Characters, and Rebecca. Dan is really acting like a big pussy here -- you'd think he'd been gutshot or something. Casey says hi to Rebecca, and the two of them tell each other how great they look, and Rebecca asks Casey if he's been working out, and he has been. So much for Danny, I guess, who interrupts to re-focus the attention back on him and his "massive head wound." Casey leaves. "So you got my flowers," says Rebecca. Dan pretends not to really recall as he gets up. That's my boy! He says it's six o'clock and he and Casey are having a little focus problem. "Why?" asks Rebecca. Dan says Continental Corp. is being sold. Rebecca knows. "I wasn't sure the west coast office had heard about the news. I knew the east coast office where you used to work heard about it." Whew! To think I was worried Dan might be a little bitter about her leaving with her husband. "I've moved back here," says Rebecca. "I gotta get back to work," says Dan and walks past her. "Steve and I are divorced now," she says. Danny stops and says, "You're actually divorced? I mean, not just in Rebecca-land." Faced with such sweet-talking, Rebecca says, "Would you like to take me to dinner?" and Dan, still not falling for her chutzpah, says, "I just got hit in the head with a ladder, I have to buy you food now?" She says she can help him focus. "That's right," he says, "because you've always had that effect on me." Anyway, the tension between them seems to dissipate and they start walking, Dan to get back to work, Rebecca to go wait in the green room. "Rebecca," says Dan. "You really do look good." "I know," she says, and spins on her heel to go wait until Dan has time for the privilege of taking her to dinner.
Jeremy walks into Isaac's office where Natalie is alone, looking out the window. Jeremy came to return Isaac's tape dispenser, explaining to Natalie that Isaac had the good one so Jeremy switched them. "You seem to be taking this pretty well," says Natalie, "this" meaning the Turmoil and Upheaval. "I'm not," says Jeremy. He says, "You're going to get a lot of offers," So will you, she says. "I wanted this job so bad," he says. "You got the job," she reminds him. "Thank you for that, by the way," he says, and they start reminiscing about Jeremy's job interview, when he tripped while walking in and said "excuse me" to the doorframe. This leads me to believe that a) Jeremy is Canadian and b) dorkiness is an actual requirement for his job. Natalie explains that he had the job as soon as he walked in and that she wanted to shut the door, knock everything off the desk and Get Bizzay. How nice for Jeremy, who may be looking for work soon, to learn his hiring had nothing to do with his qualifications and everything to do with Natalie thinking he was a hot piece of ass. I somehow doubt this would be considered such a romantic storyline if the genders were reversed, but whatever. Jeremy says he wouldn't have put up much of a fight. They kiss. Natalie walks away. "Where you going? Natalie?" says Jeremy. Natalie closes the door to Isaac's office. And because this show is not on HBO yet, this is where the scene ends. But let's assume they knocked the good tape dispenser off Isaac's desk and Got Bizzay, all right?
In Dan and Casey's office, they're talking about the L.A. job offer again. Casey tells Dan he can't move, which is what he tried to tell him all last episode. "Danny," he says. "You gotta go out there yourself. You can do it without me, Danny." Dan's throat gets all lumpy as he decides to consider that option. Casey starts typing, working on tonight's show. Dan watches him for a bit, then starts to work as well, but gets up and says, "I'll be right back." He heads to the green room, where Rebecca is waiting. From the expression on her face, she can tell he's cancelling dinner. He says it's not the best night. She asks him if he wants to see the divorce papers because she carries them with her, which I found pretty sad. Dan says that if Sports Night gets cancelled he's going to have to make a decision about going to L.A., and he doesn't want her factoring into that decision. "I'm just talking about dinner, Danny," she says. No, you're not! Dan says he thinks if he has dinner with her tonight he's going to want to stay here a long time. She suggests tomorrow night. He concedes that might be better. Natalie walks in looking for Danny, sees Rebecca, and says, "I'll wait." Rebecca writes down her phone number, kisses Dan on the cheek, and leaves. Danny is a rock! He turns to look at Natalie. "Continental Corp.'s been sold," she says. "MDI lost the bid?" he asks. "Dana's getting everyone together before the show," she says, and leaves the green room. Dan walks over to the window which overlooks the studio and rips up Rebecca's phone number. My heart swells with pride for my namesake.
In the control room, the entire staff has been gathered. Dana stands up and tells everyone, although most of them already know, that they've been sold to Quo Vadimus. "I don't know what our future is anymore." She says she doesn't really know what to say to them. "I don't even know what the hell Quo Vadimus means," she says. Did you guess Jeremy would know? I did! "It means, 'Where are we going?'" he says. "What?" says Dana, freaked out, and stares at him for about an hour. "I have to go someplace," she says. "What's the matter?" asks Natalie. "Natalie, take the top of the show, I'll be right back," she yells as she runs off. Nobody moves. Finally, Elliot says, "Natalie, five minutes." So they get moving and shoo all the extras out of the control room.
At Anthony's, BG w/ BS is perched on his usual stool, and Dana runs in out of breath and tries to ask him if his name is Calvin Trayger, but she may be hyperventilating. "I just need your water," she says, and gulps down a clear liquid in his glass. He watches her and says, "That was a gin martini." And she says, "Yes, I know that now," which made me laugh. "Is your name Calvin Trayger?" He says yes, and confirms he's the new owner of Continental Corp. "Why didn't you tell me?" asks Dana. "I just wrote a cheque for eighteen billion dollars, Dana," he says, and yes, dutifully impressed are we all, "Calvin," who continues, "My scouting says you don't keep a secret so good." "I can change," she says. "Yeah. Well, we're going to work on that." "You're keeping the station?" She asks. "Yeah." "You're keeping this show?" Dana's looking like she's about to cry. "Yeah. Anybody who can't make money off of Sports Night should get out of the money-making business" like take THAT, American Broadcasting Corporation, in a pretty blatant and satisfying swipe. Good luck with your new show, Geena, you bastards! Bet it lasts a long time! "I don't know what to say," says Dana. He glances at the TV. "Your show is on," he says. She starts giggling and laughing and yelling, "My show is on!" and repeats it about a hundred and fifty times as she leaves the bar.
Back on the desk, Dan and Casey are calling the highlights in really obviously disheartened tones. They go to commercial. Dead silence in the control room. Finally Jeremy says, "Hey, let's hear some chatter in here!" like he thinks he's playing outfield or something. "Jeremy's right!" says Elliot. Still, no one says anything, until finally Elliot says, "So, how you doing, Jeremy?" I think, at the end of the season, with the dust settled, that Elliot is my favourite TC (not including Kim). Dana comes running back in, very happy. "I'm back," she says. No duh. "What's going on?" says Natalie. "Gimme the headset," she says, and puts it on. "Dan, Casey," she says. Cut to Dan and Casey on the desk, but we don't hear what Dana says to them. We just see the Anchorknobs start smiling. When they go back live, Dan says, "Well, it looks like we're stuck with each other for a little while," and the two of them kind of flub their lines a little and are barely able to contain their glee and it was really nice. In the control room, everyone is also very happy, and even that no-name woman TC who isn't always on the show is there, and she gets a line. Natalie and Jeremy smile at each other. Isaac is all of a sudden just there like Obi-Wan Kenobi and he puts his hand on Dana's shoulder, and she smiles and clasps it and kisses it. Then the camera goes back to the desk and pulls away slowly as the show ends on Dan and Casey's good-natured on-air banter as the curtain drops on the last Sports Night episode on ABC. No, I didn't cry. But it was a very good show.