This episode starts with Dan and Casey making on-air predictions for the top teams in Major League Baseball, because, in their words, a month into the season is the best time to make predictions. I imagine this would be news to the other sports networks, who I'm reasonably certain made their predictions before the season began, like no wonder these guys are perpetually ratings runners-up. And speaking of predictions, I feel the need to clarify my predications from a recap or two ago. I meant that the Yankees would take the AL East and the Red Sox were going to be second most of the year but the Blue Jays would finish strong and overtake the Sox for the wildcard spot. And I know predicting the Yankees to take the AL East isn't exactly going out on a limb, but at least I made my predictions before the season started, unlike these guys. And although I didn't really mean that the Blue Jays would be in the Series this year, I was DEAD SERIOUS about the Expos making it. Just remember where you read it first. Anyway, Dan picks the Orioles to take the American League, like thanks for coming out, Dan. You'd think that if these guys were going to make predictions so late, they'd at least check out the standings before they did so. Dan predicts Cincinnati will win the National League pennant. Much better choice, if not for Guerrero stomping all over the Reds. Casey picks the Yankees and Mets in the World Series, like thanks for that not-all-biased-towards-New-York prediction, Rectangle Head. Then Casey says no matter what team you cheer for, there's one thing everyone can agree on, "and what's that, Danny?" And Ed McMahon, I mean Dan, says, "John Rocker is a doofus." And to make matters worse, Casey says, "John Rocker is a big honkin' doofus." And while I agree, and I do appreciate the comedic value of the "big honkin'" modifier, I think it's a little unprofessional to keep harping on John Rocker's doofusness. I really think the less said about that guy the better, and even Atlanta fans will stop defending the guy as soon as his pitching starts to drop. And speaking of predictions, I have to say that I don't think we've seen anything yet in terms of a scandal surrounding John Rocker. Watching the guy pitch, it looks like that guy is really tightly wound, and I think he's going to snap in a way that will make that Sports Illustrated article look like nothing. But in the meantime, actually insulting an athlete on their little sports show will achieve nothing. And I bet Casey and Dan never referred to Casey's baseball buddy as a doofus on-air after he badmouthed New York in Casey's craptacular one-on-one interview so long ago.
But I digress. As they outro, Casey reminds the viewers that it's "Day 6" of the CSC "fire sale" and is offering the network to any viewers with four or five billion dollars, and that's kind of funny. How weird was it that, days after the episode of Sports Night where the sale was announced, my parent company announced that its newspapers were up for sale? All I can suggest is that Sorkin knew it was coming and worked that into his plotline on the show, so the selling of Continental Corp. was a predictive shout-out to me. The guys end the show, and we hear Natalie say "good show," and Dana asks, "Who wrote the Rocker joke?" like "joke" is a bit of an overstatement, and so is "wrote" for that matter, and it sounds like she's giggling a little, and of course both Dan and Casey lay claim to it. And the two of them argue, and Casey says Dan suggested it but he refined it, and Dan clarifies, "You typed it!" as I pray for a quick death and start to wonder why I missed this show, although Dan and Casey both make this two-handed palms-out gesture at the same time with this "give me a break" look on their faces, which was funny. Dana wants to see them, and now Jeremy says he gave them the Rocker joke, so then Natalie says she gave it to them. Dana looks like she's losing patience almost as quickly as I am. Jeremy concedes that Natalie suggested doing a joke about Rocker but that's not the same as doing it, and why I am noting the excruciating minutiae of this stupid sorry excuse for a bit is beyond me. Dana tells Dan and Casey to come with her and walks into the hall, and Jeremy is still going on about who gets credit for the joke, and we find out that Jeremy said they should call Rocker a doofus and then he and Natalie disagreed on the spelling of doofus, and it is at this point that I am contemplating stabbing myself in the ears to avoid listening to this. Then they are joined in the hall by Dan and Casey, and we learn that Dan agreed they should call him a doofus and that Casey added "big honkin'," and Jeremy is proud of this "team effort." I don't know which is sadder -- that it took FOUR of these guys to come up with seven words, or that all four of them would bicker over the credit for that so-called joke. Dana decides to shut everybody up by pointing out that Time-Warner owns the Atlanta Braves and is one of the potential bidders for CSC, and I wonder if maybe Dana would like to start making journalistic compromises to appease potential advertisers as well, and I wonder if this story is going to be at all affected by the Disney/Time-Warner dispute, but at any rate, it's not unlike Dan and Casey to poke fun at people on the air, so I find it sad that Dana is chastising them now in case Time-Warner gets all huffy about them calling Rocker a doofus. She dresses them down for a while and says it was sophomoric and stupid, and it was, but that should be the only reason she gives them flak for it.
But guess what! After a pause for alleged comic effect, they now all try to blame each other for the so-called joke! No one's laughing now, are they? Dana tells them all to shut up (have I mentioned how much I love Dana?) and that she's going to Anthony's. Casey suggests going someplace different because they've gone to Anthony's the past six nights, but Dana and Natalie both think they need to keep going there, because they figure negotiations are going well, so they shouldn't change their behaviour. It figures that Natalie the little suck-up would agree with Dana. I completely agree that going out drinking every night is a sure-fire way to improve your marketability. Seriously, at least refusing to change their behaviour is a time-honoured sports tradition, just like when I was in high school and I would wear the same socks as long as my basketball team kept winning, and that meant not washing them, and if you think that's bad, I can't even mention some of the other superstitions the other guys had. Speaking of traditions, I would like to go on record as saying that it won't be very long before we see the death of the NHL playoff beard, and it will be a sad day, since you used to be able to measure how well a player's team was doing by how big his beard was, like when Ray Bourque was with the Bruins when they didn't suck, and they made it to the finals and Bourque had this huge beard, but it didn't matter because the Oilers destroyed them. Now the players, if they grow anything at all, grow those stupid little playoff goatees, and the excuse players give is that their wives don't like the beards, but I'm willing to bet the wives like their huge paycheques enough that they might consider putting up with a decades-old tradition for six lousy weeks, during half of which their unbearably stubbly husbands would be on the road anyway. We're not even five minutes into the show and I'm already off on too many different tangents, so I will attempt to focus.
Anyway. It's Jeremy's opinion that the gang should want to change their luck, since their future is so uncertain. This scene made my head spin because everyone left the hallway to start walking through the newsroom, but everyone was walking really fast, like power-walking through the newsroom, and Dana looked like a shampoo commercial with her hair flying behind her as she zoomed all over the place, and meanwhile everyone behind her was weaving around desks and poles and people, and it was like this giant Walking While Talking scene slalom with everyone's arms swinging wildly and I had to go lie down. Dana yells to everyone, "Anthony's, I'll meet you there," but I figure all the extras knew that invitation didn't really apply to them.
Back from commercials, we are now in Anthony's, and I suppose this streak is merely an excuse for not having another bar set for the show. Even though the Tertiary Characters were invited, they are still not allowed to forget their status as Tertiary Characters, because they have been relegated to their own table and it isn't even to the table where the main characters are sitting. It reminded me of Thanksgiving dinners when I was a kid and all the kids had to sit together at the stupid small table with the fold-out legs with stupid ducks and stupid geese on it, and all the adults got the good pieces of the turkey and there was never any skin left for me. The opening-credits cast is discussing the fact that they're screwed if the winning bid comes from Time-Warner, Fox, or Disney because they all have their own cable sports channels already, like what a cheery little gathering this is. "These guys need another sports channel like they need a hole in the head," says Casey. Jeremy says that the only three guys bidding on the network will sell off CSC for parts, completing the tag-team stomping of Dana's and Natalie's optimism.
Speaking of holes in the head, Dan wanders over to the TCs' kids table -- mingling with the commoners, as it were -- and he interrupts whatever conversation they might have been having to talk about the "desperate times" and compares it to when people head off to war, and he pulls up a chair and sits betwixt "L'il" Kim and "T.C." Elliot. He asks, rhetorically, if the TCs know what people do in times like these. T.C. Elliot says, "They band together?" and surprisingly, Dan doesn't smack him for his audacity. "They sleep with each other," says Dan, and it is a huge shock to me that Dan is thinking of his penis right now. Dan puts his arms around L'il Kim and T.C. Elliot. "It's not that I'm not flattered, Danny . . ." says Elliot and Dan says, "I understand," and turns his full phallic attention to Kim, and just try to imagine the possibilities for Kim's character should HBO land this series. "Danny," says Kim, "only you would take an occasion like this and turn it into an opportunity for sex," and Dan concedes that he is indeed gifted, but that really wasn't why he came over -- he came over to tell Kim she's the best secretary he ever had. Kim thanks him and then tells him she isn't his secretary. "When did that happen?" asks Dan, confused, and Kim informs him that she never was his secretary. "I thought you were my secretary," says Dan, looking sad, but probably because he realizes he's not getting any from Kim tonight. "Yes, I know," says Kim. "I've always treated you like my secretary," says Dan. "Yes, I know," says Kim. She doesn't seem mad, she just smiles a sadly indulgent smile like she never had the heart to tell Dan to stick it. "Okay," says Dan, and then he mumbles some excuse and leaves, tucking his penis between his legs, and Kim goes back to drinking her martini. You know, Kim's no shrinking violet and I find it really hard to believe she'd never told Dan she wasn't his secretary.
Up at the bar, Casey is talking to some redhead, and I have to say they find some excellent actors for these extras since it really appears that Casey's not boring her to tears. Dan horns in and wants to know what's going on, and we find out Casey's signing something for Redhead's boyfriend Joe, and I was really confused as to why Casey was signing something, and embarrassingly, it takes me a few minutes to realize that people might actually want these guys' autographs. By the time I finish cracking up, Redhead is gone. Dan settles onto the barstool and tries to bring up a potential job offer, but Casey doesn't really seem interested in talking about it. Dan says he wouldn't mind living in L.A. with the sunshine and the Pacific Ocean and driving around with the top down (which is apparently a negative for Casey, who points out he'd have to buy a car) and Laker girls. Casey doesn't think it's a good offer, and Dan points out that it's 11 p.m. and a million and a half more viewers and Dana would be the executive director. Dan then says another plus is the L.A. Philharmonic Orchestra with Mr. X at the podium, and I wrote "Mr. X" because it's a Finnish name that I won't even attempt to embarrass myself by attempting to spell since I've never heard his name before, and not that I claim to know who waves the baton at most orchestras around the US, but I scoff at the notion that both of these sports-show anchors know the conductor from Helsinki at the L.A. Philharmonic, like Sorkin has these guys speaking with a greater level of cultural awareness than half the people on his other show, The West Wing. And maybe it is a possibility that Dan and Casey know who Mr. X is, but I like their dialogue more when the cast tosses around obscure sports trivia, like the Marquis of Queensberry rules for boxing, than when it's references to Finnish orchestra conductors and Israeli violinists. ["The first time I read that sentence, I thought Daniel had written 'the Marquis of Quisenberry,' and I thought to myself, 'Now that's trivia -- Quiz got knighted? You'd think they'd mention that somewhere in Total Baseball.' Okay, sorry." -- Sars] Long pause while these guys contemplate the L.A. PHILHARMONIC for God's sake. Then Dan points out it's a better job than the one they have now and he doesn't think they're going to have these jobs much longer. Casey wants to cross that bridge when they come to it.
Back at the other table, Natalie says, "Jeremy? I've had a couple of drinks so I think I have the courage to tell you this," and Dana, sandwiched between the two of them at the table, gets this "uh-oh" look on her face and tells Natalie that if Natalie's going to tell Jeremy something that requires courage, then maybe she should leave, but Natalie says it's okay. "I'm still in love with you," says Natalie, and Dana tries desperately to get away, as do I. Jeremy tries to speak but Natalie says, "There hasn't been a day since I broke up with you that I haven't wanted you back," so of course Jeremy says, "I broke up with you," and Natalie says, "There have been a couple of days," as her face turns to stone. Then Natalie suggests maybe it's the "coconut piña colada" talking (and I would rather hear the piña colada talk than her right now), or these mood swings she's been having, but she actually hates Jeremy's living guts. Dana tries desperately to shut Natalie up, and I sit here with a notepad, forced to recap this, and I think I know now how wolves feel just before they chew off their own legs to escape hunters' traps. I am kind of relieved that Dan and Casey join them at the table, at least until Casey launches into the exact same speech about desperate times that Dan tried on Kim, so maybe these guys share failed pickup lines or something, or maybe this was a sure-fire way to score with women in the latest issue of Maxim, but when Casey gets to the "sleep with each other" part, he stares straight at Dana, who stares right back at him, unmoved. Natalie says, "If Jeremy wanted, he could have me anytime, anywhere," as Sorkin continues to probably rewrite some personal history of his own, like what guy doesn't want a dumped girlfriend to spout this inane dialogue that Natalie is saying right now, that she would do things to his mind and body that she thinks he'd really enjoy, like would someone please shut her up. Dana says, "Would you please for the love of God let me out," and Jeremy gets up to let her out. Dana's going to get more drinks, and of course the guys all want beer because they're such manly men and Natalie asks for a "coconut piña colada," like could you please stop calling it that, Natalie, piña coladas are supposed to have coconut in them, so this is like asking for an "orange-juice screwdriver" or a "tonic-water gin and tonic," and Dana wonders how she's supposed to remember all that, and Jeremy says, "It's three beers and a piña colada -- do you want a mnemonic device?" which cracked me up, and Dana snaps at him and then says "three beers and a coconut piña colada" and goes to get them.
Up at the bar, Jack the Bolivian Hitman bartender is asking this balding guy with big sideburns, "You want another one of these?" except both of Jack's hands are below camera range, so I don't know WHAT Jack is offering this guy, who says, "Yeah, if you don't mind," like, he's a bartender, Balding Guy with Big Sideburns. BG w/ BS is watching Sports Night on the bar television. "This show is good, don't you think?" he says to Jack. "They work just across the street, a lot of those guys come in here a lot," says Jack, yet strangely he doesn't say whether he thinks the show is good or not, leading me to believe that he doesn't like it but is afraid to say so in case they hear him. Dana comes up to the bar to BG w/ BS. "And here's the executive producer," says Jack. "How you doing," says BG w/ BS, and compliments her on the show. Dana thanks him and orders "three beers and a coconut piña colada" and Jack says, "I need to go in the back for one minute," whatever that's supposed to mean, and I think maybe Jack needed to suppress a sharp retort upon being asked for a coconut piña colada, which tells me he has greater self-restraint that I did when I was a bartender in college. If somebody had asked me for a "coconut piña colada," I would have said something like, "Yeah, I hear they come in coconut flavour now," and then I would have demanded to see some ID, since someone who orders a drink like that sounds like someone who has never been in a bar before. ["That reminds me of the time my brother Mr. Stupidhead ordered a 'Tai Mai.' In spite of the fact that it's actually called a Mai Tai, not to mention the fact that I promptly started giggling hysterically and blew his cover, the waitress actually brought his underage ass the drink. Anyhow." -- Sars] And all you college kids out there, make sure to tip your bartenders well. Because if you think the bartender doesn't notice the cheapskates when there's a big crush of people against the bar, you're wrong. And it will take you longer to get served the time you're ordering drinks, unless you're a cute girl, and if you stiff the bartender, don't be surprised if your drink doesn't seem to have a full ounce of alcohol. Yes, my friends and the big tippers and the cute girls tended to get a little extra alcohol spillage in their drinks. Sue me, I'm only human. It's not fair, but life's not fair. And I know many bars now have that spout thing that dispenses an exact ounce, but bartenders will always have ways to screw the people who stiff them.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Jack leaves, and BG w/ BS starts yammering on and repeating the dialogue he just had with Jack before Dana arrived. "At first I thought it was interesting that I was watching them on television and they're also standing right over there," which doesn't sound terribly interesting to me (or to Dana, judging by the look on her face). She says the show is live a
t 11 and replayed at 1, "it's called a tape delay," which I guess is what they're calling repeats these days. I thought a tape delay was when the event wasn't broadcast live, but taped. And delayed. Who knows. BG w/ BS mumbles something about technology that I didn't catch and I don't have closed captioning because I'm not a Head of Programming with a big fancy gold-plated television. Dana says, "I really just came up here to get some drinks for my friends," of course assuming this guy is trying to get in her pants when he's just being friendly. BG w/ BS pauses for a bit before saying, "I have no reason not to believe you," whatever that means, and Dana explains she's in no mood to be bought a drink by a guy in a suit, like what is her problem, and BG w/ BS says, "I'm not wearing a suit," and his voice has yet to change tone or inflection at all; he just speaks in this flat semi-monotone that I think is supposed to convey self-confidence or self-assuredness but really just conveys "pissing off Daniel." Dana continues to pass judgment on him while the two of them mostly stare straight ahead instead of looking at each other. Dana suggests that he left his Wall Street office at 8:30 and went to his East Side apartment to change into his "I don't always wear a suit" clothes, like when did Dana turn into Ani DiFranco and start sneering at people who wear suits at their job, I'd like to know. BG w/ BS says he lives in Paris, and Dana looks at him for the first time, but it's just so she can laugh at him. "Sometimes Seattle, sometimes Chicago, sometimes Tokyo," he continues in his bored monotone. "Seriously, are there women who believe you when you say that?" asks Dana. "Not many," he says. Then he says, "So Dana, I couldn't help overhearing you and your friends a while ago." "We were sitting on the other side of the restaurant," she says. "Yeah," he says. "I wouldn't worry about a Time-Warner takeover." Dana looks at him (not laughing) and says something like, "wha-huh?" "They'll kick out when the stock hits 27," he says. "How did you know my name?" she says. "The bartender said it," he says. "No he didn't," she says. "Sure he did," says BG w/ BS. "How else would I know it?" as he looks at her. Dana's right that Jack didn't say her name -- while she was there, at any rate -- but the guy did admit to listening to the conversation at the table where it's entirely possible someone did use her name, so her look of consternation is a little unwarranted, I think. But she doesn't say anything because she hears the Sports Night outro-to-commercial lite-pseudo-bluesy guitar kick in as BG w/ BS repeats what he said about Time-Warner kicking out at $27 a share. But the music fooled me, because Jack returns and asks what Dana's order was, but she's too stunned to remember, so BG w/ BS helpfully says, "three beers and a piña colada" and Dana looks at him again like, "Whoa! He remembered that with no mnemonic device! Whoaaaa! The call is coming from inside the house!" They look at each other as we finally go to commercial.We're back the day as Dana walks into that notorious suit-wearer Isaac's office and asks for any word on "our futures?" and Isaac tells her what everyone else was telling her -- that Fox, Disney, and Time-Warner will all drop the cable interest. "Yeah," says Dana. "I met a Balding Guy with Big Sideburns last night at Anthony's --" but before she can go on, Dan barges in and says, "Did you know that Kim isn't my secretary?" he asks. "Yeah," says Dana. "I have been treating her like she was my secretary," he says. Dana nods and sadly smiles and says, "Yes, I know." So neither Kim nor Dana said anything about this. Sorry. I'm not buying it. Dan asks if there is someone there who is his secretary but he doesn't know about it, and Dana tells him no. "Okay," says Dan thoughtfully, and he walks out looking troubled while Isaac has a good laugh over what an idiot Dan is and closes the door. Isaac then asks Dana to continue her riveting story, but Dana says it doesn't matter. Then she asks when another bidder will step up. Then Isaac launches into this long story about his nephew who's a trauma surgeon in Detroit. Blah blah blah about how bad this guy feels when he loses a patient, and that he wants to open a restaurant in Albuquerque even though Isaac tells him the hospitals are inadequate and overcrowded, et cetera et cetera. "At best, you had maybe two-thirds of the budget you needed to do the job, in a market that was already oversaturated when you got there," he tells Dana. So if it goes down, he's saying, she gets up and goes to L.A. with Dan and Casey and tries it again, blah blah. She wants to know what he'll do. "Two trees, a hammock, and a stack of books this high," he says. Isaac's phone rings. Maybe I'll run my own MBTV sweeps contest. Guess which bidder just dropped out? Guess what the stock price was? People who correctly guessed Time-Warner and $27 a share may continue reading.
In Dave and Casey's office, Dan is still going on about Kim's non-secretaryness, which is annoying, but I suppose if I were in his place, I'd feel pretty stupid too. "Say, while we're tying up loose ends, do we share an office or am I just here a lot?" he asks Casey, who says, "You're just here a lot." "I have my own office?" asks Dan. "Yeah," says Casey. "Where?" And Casey pauses and says, "That's my confession." Turns out this is Dan's office; Casey's is somewhere else, but he doesn't know where since he always liked this one. The thing with Kim annoyed me, but I liked this bit. Dan says things seemed to work out all right, so at the place they should share an office again.
Now Elliot comes in with a big bouquet of flowers for Dan and a phone message for Casey, so maybe Elliot is their secretary. Dan looks at the flowers and says, "Okay, Elliot, last night, seriously, I was talking to Kim. I was doing a little thing." Elliot says, "They're not from me." Dan reaches for the card and says, "Like it'd kill you to give me flowers once in a while?" Ba-dum-bump. Okay, I admit I laughed at that. The card says, "R.W." and that's it. Sweet! Rondell White, lifetime .300 hitter with the Expos! But Dan suggests Robert Wagner or Reggie White, and complains that Reggie White can send him flowers but Elliot never thinks to. Elliot says he doesn't take Dan for granted. "You're not our secretary, by any chance, are you?" asks Dan, like quit stealing my material, "Daniel."
A little later, on the show, a caller is saying it's only logical to bunt with one strike and one out and the go-ahead run on first and that Joe Torre should be run out of town. So Dan asks the guy how much coaching experience the caller has, and the caller has none. "Okay, Joe Torre has been coaching baseball for about 430 years. You got a girlfriend?" asks Dan. The caller says no. Dan says, "This is why. You interested in buying Continental Corp.?" The guy says no. "Okay, then we're hanging up now," says Dan. Yeah, it's a good idea to limit your audience to people with major-league managerial experience and potential owners, guys. They go to commercial. Dana tells everyone about Time-Warner dropping out. Jeremy says they didn't need Time-Warner, and he and Natalie agree (for once) that there's still the power of fate, or as Jeremy puts it, "la forza del destino," and he even makes that stereotypical Italian "capisce?" gesture with his left hand, and I am dying to introduce Jeremy to "la fista del Danielo." On the desk, Dan is trying to sell Casey on the job offer by telling him that the Pacific Ocean is completely different from the Atlantic Ocean, and Casey agrees, since it's on the other side. Dan says Hawaii is close to L.A. and blah-blahs about Hawaii for awhile. Casey still doesn't want to discuss it, and Dan says they don't have to tell them yes or no, just that they're thinking about it. It's Dan's opinion that it's the best job offer they're going to get. They go back live just to end the show. Casey says, "Remember, please, if you're going out on a date and you want to impress someone, it's a 'dog eat dog' world, not a 'doggy dog' world," as the Continental Corp stock price tumbles. The show's over. Natalie says, "So help me God I thought it was a 'doggy dog' world," and knowing how anal Jeremy is, this could be the real reason they broke up. An alert poster on the Sports Night forums pointed out that this same "doggy dog" bit was used on Dharma & Greg. As much as I would like to give that poster a shout-out, I think the shout-out worthiness is negated by fact that he or she watched Dharma & Greg. Shame on you, poster. You should know better. Dana can't get her headset off fast enough to go get hammered at Anthony's, despite another protest from Jeremy. Weirdly, the music that's playing underneath this scene is the music that normally plays under the opening scene and ends with a flourish just after the punchline that closes the opening scene, except here they ended the music (with the flourish) in the middle of the dialogue and then there was no musical accompaniment for the rest of the scene, like this is twice this week the show has messed me up with musical miscues, but I guess the Sports Night gang is a little out of practice, so I'll let it slide.
At Anthony's, Dan and Casey are getting drunk, and Dan is extolling the virtues of the L.A. aquarium, which Casey says is actually in San Diego. Dan keeps going on and on about Casey going out with a Laker girl until Casey says, "What am I supposed to do, see Charlie twice a year?" which, by my count, would double the number of times he has seen his son this year. "They have jet planes now, Casey," says Dan, who then tells Casey his ex-wife should get on the plane and move to L.A. since she's not tied down to a job. Maybe Casey should explain to Danny what a divorce is. Casey again says they should cross that bridge when they need to. Then a blonde groupie in a blue dress shows up and says her boyfriend would kill her if she saw them in the bar and didn't get their autographs, and I think it's sad this woman is encouraging a grown man's adulation of two sports-show anchors. ["As a woman who once got shoved in the direction of Craig Kilborn with the directive, 'Show him some leg,' let me just say 'word to that.'" -- Sars] Dan signs and doesn't flirt at all and gets up to get another drink, but the groupie says, "By the way, my roommate's friend knows a girl you used to date." "Oh yeah? Who?" asks Dan. "Rebecca Wells?" she says. Dan nods in recognition, takes two steps towards the bar, and drops his glass. Please check the forums for the background info on Rebecca Wells, because if the Sports Night writers don't want to give new or recently tuned-in viewers info on who this Rebecca Wells person is and why Dan reacted like that, I'm not going to either. Dan says he thinks he needs to get some air.
Over at the table with Dana, Natalie, and Jeremy, we get a repeat of the earlier scene where Natalie professes her love for Jeremy again, Dana looks uncomfortable, Jeremy says he broke up with Natalie and not the other way around, and Natalie says she hates him. Then Natalie starts playing footsie with Jeremy anyway, and Dana spazzes and demands to be let out, so Natalie moves. Up at the bar, Jack says, "What do you need, Dana?" and this voice says, "Three beers and a coconut piña colada," and it's BG w/ BS, and Dana seems a little ticked off at him and wants to know how he knew Time-Warner was going to drop out at $27; he says he guessed. "You didn't guess, you had information," she says. He says, "I had a lot of information, that's what makes me good at guessing." Dana says if he had inside information and passed it on, he's breaking the law and she doesn't want to talk to him. He says he doesn't have inside information and that he wasn't talking to her, that she came over to him. Uh, I think he was sitting at the bar, and when she came up to the bar to order drinks, he VOLUNTEERED that information, like nice memory, BG w/ BS. They bicker a bit, so maybe they'll have sex by the end of the season finale; then they calm down and make small talk, and Dana gets the beers she ordered and says she's going back to her friends to continue their interesting conversation about fate. She turns to go, but he reels her back with "MDI Transcom is going to come in as a bidder." "How do you know that?" "I don't." "You're guessing." "Yep." "But . . . you're right." "Yep." She wants to know what they'd want with Continental Corp. "CC owns cable providers in certain markets, which means they also own the coaxial cable which was originally laid. Coaxial cable provides much more bandwidth than conventional phone lines, so it provides extremely fast Internet access." Dana is stunned. "Who are you?" she asks, and he says, "No one whose name you'd know," I swear to God he said that. Dana says she's going back to her friends. "To talk about the power of fate?" he says. "Yes," she says. "La forza del destino," he says, and Dana stares at him some more as we fade to black.
Now, my theory is that BG w/ BS represents Sorkin, since this show about a show is already very meta with its storylines of network troubles and uncertain futures, and I think BG w/ BS is like Sorkin hurriedly trying to finish the last couple of episodes, so he's drinking and trying to come up with storylines while the cast hangs out on the Anthony's set and drinks and improvs, and then Dana goes over to Sorkin to find out what the newest plot twist is, and Sorkin is drunk and says, "Uh, uh, Time-Warner kicks out at 27!" and then of course the day the script is finished and Time-Warner kicks out at 27.
But it's just a theory.
I find it really annoying that there was a tornado warning in effect on the ABC feed we get up here in Saskatchewan, but the giant Tornado Watch graphic that sat in the corner during the show disappeared whenever commercials came on, like "we are very proud of the community service we provide by warning viewers about life-threatening weather, as long as those warnings don't get in the way of showing them commercials for Shanghai Noon."
week: the love of Dan's life, Rondell White, returns. Jeremy and Natalie kiss. CSC is sold. Also, in the words of Voiceover Woman, "An ending so shocking, we saved it for the season finale." We see a clip of a tearful Dana saying, "I don't know what to say." Maybe Sorkin hasn't finished the script for that scene yet.