Draft Day, Part One

This episode starts off in a bar, and sitting at the bar writing things down are Casey and Danny, and to Dan is a blonde woman drinking, and we've never seen her before, but she figures in this scene later so I guess that's why she's being included in the shot right now. Sitting at a table against the far wall are Natalie and Dana, who are discussing the giant bandage on Dana's chin, because Dana looks like an extra from M*A*S*H. Dana and Natalie talk about whether the bandage is noticeable, which it most certainly is, and this dialogue is annoying because the bandage turns out to be not at all important and probably is only there because Felicity Huffman banged up her chin so badly it couldn't be just make-upped away, and we're forced to listen to Witty Banter about it. After they finish with the WB, Dana goes back to her notes and asks Natalie where she should put "Tommy Castro," and we learn that they are making predictions for the NFL's draft day which is tomorrow. They discuss where Castro might go. Then Natalie says, "Castro is an attractive man," and Dana sounds annoyed for some reason when she says, "Natalie," and Natalie says, "I'm just sayin'!" and the number of times the phrase "I'm just sayin'!" was used on tonight's episode incredibly surpasses the number of times Dan said "manhood" two weeks ago. Anyway, Natalie says she finds Castro's "taut and muscular body and piercing green eyes to be attractive and I'd like to have sex with him." Dana, unnerved by Natalie's display of horniness, tells her she needs to calm down. Natalie considers calling Castro to tell him this. We find out the gang has been at the bar for almost two hours. Natalie says "I'm just sayin'" again. She wants to know "where are the men?" and says it loud enough to cause Jack the Bartender to look over, and because Jack is a television bartender, he is of course polishing glasses, and Natalie quiets down a bit, but she still wants to know where the boys are, prompting Dana to make a joke about them all off fighting in the war. Natalie wants to know, "Whatever happened to hitting on women in bars?" like what the hell are you even talking about Natalie, I think that's still pretty common practice. Then she says, "it's 2 a.m., I'm obviously drunk and I'm sitting here!" and she yells this last bit and I'd be really interested to know how much Natalie would like the men who would hit on a woman based on her drunkenness and the fact that she is "sitting here." Jack the Bartender gives her a stern "Natalie," and Dana flashes back to Grade 7 and says, "See, you got us in trouble," and Natalie says, "Jack's cute," and hitting on the bartender is of course the fall-back plan for women running out of options before closing time. Jack kind of looks like the Colombian hitman from Scarface who Pacino shoots because he doesn't want to set off a car bomb meant for a politician but which would have also killed his wife and kids. Dana is getting seriously annoyed because the gang has a three-hour broadcast and have to finish the prep. Really, though, they're not so much doing prep as coming up with their own draft day predictions since Casey and Dana have a bet on whose predictions will be more accurate.

Up at the bar, Dan and Casey are doing work. Or, rather, Casey is, but Dan, much like Natalie, isn't at all interested in being drawn into Casey and Danas battle of wills and is playing with a napkin and tells Casey to look at it again, but Casey says he's looked at it enough. Dan asks if he should read it out loud but Casey ignores him. Dan says it's from "professional golf's very own David Duval." I think the napkin says, "I think you're cute and I've had fun talking to you and I'd like you to ask me out. Sincerely, David Duval." Aw! Kidding. Casey: Blah blah blah about Castro and he doesn't think San Diego's going after Castro because of a potential knee problem. Dan says "David Duval" again, and he appears a little drunk. Casey calls back to Natalie that he wants to know more about Castro's knees, and Natalie says, "You and me both, sailor man," which makes Casey say, "What's with her?" to Jack the Colombian Hitman, who says, "She's fine," because he's figured out he's going to score with her later. Then Casey starts holding forth about the art of draft day predictions and the art of winning money from Dana, and Dan finds it as uninteresting as I do because he taps the woman to him on the shoulder and asks her to read the note. She says "sure" with this "I'd better just do what he says" look on her face and starts reading, "To Dan Rydell," and Dan says, "That's me," and the woman smiles and says, "I'm Karen," and Dan actually says, "I don't care, I need you to keep reading." Karen now looks like she's thinking, "I thought my co-worker Jenny said this was a great place to meet nice guys," but she goes on reading the note anyway: "4 p.m. at Alpine Saturday, see you in the sand trap." Dan wants her to read who it's from, and she says "David Dynell," and Dan corrects her, but she says it looks like a "y," not a "u," and unlike the Parallelogram Pick-up scene, there is not chemistry between these two. Dan says it's from "the David Duval" and Karen says, "The guy from The Godfather?" At the same time, Dan and I say, "That's Robert Duvall." Jinx! Karen doesn't know who David Duval is, which totally shoots down any possibility of Dan impressing her by playing golf with Duval, and Danny grabs his precious napkin back.

From across the room, Natalie yells, "Danny, please stop hitting on women who aren't me!" which was pretty funny, and Jack the Colombian Hitman gets mad at her again. Dana starts going on about whether or not Casey knows anything about Castro's knees and starts yelling at him about paying the price, which is a crisp $100 bill, and Jack has to get mad at her too, like it was okay for Casey to shout at Natalie, but the two women are of course a couple of drunken harpies. We find out that Dana thinks Abraham Lincoln is on the $100 bill. I'm Canadian, and even I know it's Benjamin Franklin. Natalie wonders if Ben Franklin were in the bar, would he hit on her. Hmmm. I suspect Natalie is looking for a little action, but I'm not sure. If only the writers would allude to it a little, give us some kind of clue. Dana says, "I love draft day. I live for draft day." How sad. Commercials.

Speaking of how sad, that commercial for that new Making the Band show really bothers me. Like one of those pinheads on the commercial, I once thought (and still do) that it would be pretty cool to be a professional musician, but foolishly, I took music lessons instead of dance lessons and I guess the joke's on me, since nowhere in this commercial do I see any signs that there are musical instruments involved, items that I always associated with bands. I guess I must be stuck in the twentieth century or something.

day, Dana starts harassing Casey because she wants to go over the rules, which Casey says he already knows. "Yeah," says Dana, "but what's the fun in playing a game if you're not going to go over the rules?" Casey says, rather dryly, "Yeah, that's the 'fun' part," and it cracked me up. Dana lists the rules: "All predictions must be made before the commissioner reaches the podium." And that's it. Casey says, "Can we go over that first one again?" which also cracked me up -- good for Rectangle Head. From the ensuing Witty Banter, it looks like Casey and Dana want each other again. They give each other playful punches. Dana pumps Casey for info about Tommy Castro. Jeremy starts walking past and Dana and Casey both say, "Hey Jeremy," but they don't break eye contact with each other. This is supposed to be them trying to psych each other out, I guess. Yawn. Jeremy wants to know "what's happening now?" i.e. "why are you guys acting like idiots?" Dana says, "Nothing!" and leaves, and she actually hops like a bunny. Jeremy asks Casey what a choreo-animator does, and this contrived bit of dialogue may seem merely trivial and annoying right now, but it's important later on, otherwise I wouldn't bother with it, so pay attention! It seems Jeremy overheard someone call themselves a choreo-animator and Jeremy doesn't know what it is, and I guess Casey would be the person I'd ask too. Jeremy's world is shattered since it turns out Casey doesn't know everything.

Casey and Jeremy start Walking While Talking. Casey starts running his predictions by Jeremy, who wonders if Casey knows something about Castro's knees. As they walk on set, Casey throws his arms up and yells, "Hey hey! Draft day, baby!" And everyone whistles and applauds Casey's cleverness. Jeremy says, "Yes indeed, baby!" and is greeted with silence save for someone coughing in the background. Jeremy starts whining about how he can't say "baby." Or "dang." Life sure must suck for Jeremy. Casey changes the subject and says, "Say, Jeremy," which I guess is Sports Night code for "I hear you're dating a porn star," since right away Jeremy says, "Dan told you," and he calls that "predictable," but Casey wants to discuss it in depth so he hustles Jeremy into the editing room. "You're dating a porn star?" he says, a little too loudly for Jeremy's comfort, since he shuts the editing room door. Jeremy confirms it. "What's her name?" asks Casey. "Her real name or her screen name?" asks Jeremy. "Her screen name," says Casey. "Well, I won't tell you that," says Jeremy, like why did you even bother differentiating, Jeremy. Jer says her name is Jenny and he really likes her. Then Casey asks if she likes sports. "She likes sports. We talk about sports," says Jeremy, which, judging from the reaction, gives Rectangle Head a boner. But Jeremy doesn't really want to talk about it all that much and leaves the editing room. Casey stops him and points out that while Jeremy may not be talking about it, other people are. Jeremy is aghast, but relaxes when he finds out that only Casey and Dan know Jenny is a porn star. Yeah, I'd trust those two with my secrets. Everybody else just knows Jeremy is seeing someone else (except for Isaac, I guess). Casey says, "I'm just sayin'." Jeremy says, "Natalie." Casey says she knows Jeremy is seeing someone, but Jeremy might want to say a word to her so that the healing process can begin; I'm not really sure I understand Casey's logic here, but I'll go along. Casey says there are "icicles" hanging off the ceiling and that there shouldn't be so much tension on draft day. Casey calls himself the ad-hoc director of morale. Jeremy wants to know when that happened. "Well, it was ad hoc," says Casey, which was kind of funny. Jeremy promises to speak to Natalie. They walk back to the set, and Casey wants to know if Jenny was in Deep Throat. "Yeah, Casey, I'm dating a porn star who's a contemporary of my grandmother's," Jeremy says, and I will thank Jeremy to never again use a sentence containing both "porn star" and "grandmother." Casey says he has to get to the video store more often. Be careful, Casey. You don't want to go blind again.

In his office, poor Isaac is preparing for his one and only scene this week by sniffing a cigar. Too bad for him said only scene is one in which Dana harasses him the entire time. She storms in carrying bags and appears to be either drunk or happy. Isaac quickly hides the cigar in his humidor (good hiding place for a cigar) and slams it shut. He asks Dana, "What happened to your face?" Dana, of course, is bugged that Isaac actually noticed the Buick-sized bandage on her chin. "I fell on my face," she says. "Literally?" asks Isaac. "Can you believe the metaphor?" asks Dana. What? What is she even talking about? I know what a metaphor is, but Dana's question makes no sense to me. Anyway, nothing can get Dana down on draft day! She reveals that her bags contain t-shirts that she had printed that say "I survived draft day at Sports Night," and she's proud of herself for playing on the words "day" and "night." "Oscar Wilde would have been proud," says Isaac, which made me laugh, even though it's Beckett that a later scene rips off. Then Dana tells Isaac that year he has to make the network execs let them cover more than one round of the draft. Isaac is trying to tell her something, but Dana, astonishingly, won't shut up. Finally, he just hands her a fax, which for some reason is rolled up and tied with a ribbon, like Isaac's giving her a diploma. After more annoying comments from Dana, she reads it, and it says that rain at Indian Wells (tennis tournament) might force the network to stay on the air with the draft past the first round. Dana is excited instead of pissed at Isaac, since I would think the executive producer might have to prep some extra coverage if needed, but no, Isaac rolls up the fax and ties a ribbon around it and waits for Dana to come to his office. Dana does a dance that really cracked me up and says, "We're going to cover the second round!" "If it rains," cautions Isaac. "Make sure it rains!" instructs Dana. She scurries off to get everybody ready, just in case. "The t-shirts? Are a hundred percent cotton!" she squeals, and I take back what I said before about Dana's love for draft day being sad, because her enthusiasm was charming and certainly much more enjoyable to watch than her usual quirky brand of neurotic obsessing.

At the desk, Natalie is going over where the correspondents are while Dan practises his golf swing. He tells her, "Golf is fifty per cent mental," and Natalie says, "I'm beginning to think so are you, Dan," which is a truly compassionate and sensitive thing to say to the poor guy. Dana, still giddy, comes skipping up with her t-shirts, and Dan says, "How you spend your time and money sometimes amazes me," and Dana graciously says, "I got a deal," and Dan is still pissing in those cornflakes and says, "Please tell me they were free," and Dana is a little hurt and says, "I thought people might like them!" and Dan, still swinging his golf club, says, "Absolutely, now if you just bring out the juice and crackers --" and Natalie wisely interrupts him and asks Dana what's going on, but it's too late. Dana says, "Man, Danny, no wonder Casey can't stand you these days!" and Dan just laughs that off and keeps swinging. Dana tells Natalie about Indian Wells. Now, of course, Dan finds it prudent to pay attention. Dan says he can't stay on the air if they go later with the coverage, because he's playing golf this afternoon with David Duval, and Dana points out that he plays golf with Duval three times a year. Dan says he's playing that afternoon. "Not if it rains in Indian Wells," says Dana, and I fall out of my chair when Dan says, "I don't care if it snows in Saskatchewan," and unlike last week's Newfoundland reference, I do believe this would be the shout-out to me here in my Moose Jaw apartment. Woo hoo! Dan figures Casey can handle the second round by himself. Dana agrees, but says it's better if he has a partner. "Better for who?" asks Dan, cynically and ungrammatically. Dana gives up and tells Natalie to take care of it, because Dan is more likely to listen to Dana's minion than he will to Dana herself. Dan complains that it's his thirteenth day in a row working and says he won't stay, and he goes back to practising his swing as Natalie leaves and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, we are preparing to go live and Dana asks Natalie about Dan and Natalie says, "Don't worry about it, he'll be fine." They go live. Dan and Casey intro the draft, and Dan explains that teams have fifteen minutes to make their decisions and that "Cleveland's on the clock" with the first selection, and they throw to their correspondent. In the control room, Dave instructs someone to give him the "411" about something. "We are under way!" says Dana. "We are under way, baby!" says Jeremy, all the while making this "hey, guys? Hey?" face, and it cracked me up because Jeremy's right: he does come off as a complete dork when he says ""baby. Everybody looks at him, which is saying something, since his spot is at the back of the control room, so the Tertiary Characters have to make the effort to actually turn their heads to give him the "whatchoo talkin' 'bout" looks. Dana tries to console him. Over in the corner, Kim and Elliot are discussing how strange it is that teams have known for months which player they're going to take, but they still use the entire fifteen minutes to make the announcement. Dana nosily listens in. "Fifteen minutes of sitting around waiting," says Kim. "Fifteen minutes where we have no responsibilities at all," says Elliot, and it really kind of sounded like these two wanted to sneak off and jump each other, but Dana butts in and tells them that if they're considering sneaking off to get a danish, that she wants cinnamon. Everyone of course starts barking our their danish orders. Elliot asks Kim, "Did you get all that?" "No, but I don't really care that much," she says, which was pretty funny. I feel compelled to point out that Will ordered a prune danish. I also feel compelled to point out that the infamous game of Celebrities two weeks ago was held up because Will was in the bathroom. You may draw your own conclusions.

Jeremy's in the editing room talking to Jenny, and Dan walks in and says, "This is making me crazy," like I think that ship has sailed already. Jeremy says something on the phone about three o'clock and that he's "totally fine about it." He hangs up and tells Dan that he's walking "the shadowy line between honesty and not [sic]." He explains to Dan that he doesn't want Jenny to think he's ashamed of her (because he isn't), so he's invited her to meet the gang, but he's invited her at a time when he knows Natalie won't be there. That doesn't sound to bad to me; given Natalie's feelings, I think it's kind of considerate. Jeremy also says he'll tell people what she does if they ask, since he feels it would be insulting to come up with a cover story. Jeremy figures if Jenny comes by after the first round is done, Natalie will be gone already and it won't be a problem. Dan tells him about the Indian Wells situation. I find it very hard to believe that Jeremy didn't know about that particular possibility, since a) Dana is so excited about it and b) he is one of the producers, after all. Jeremy goes into crisis mode since second-round coverage would take them to about seven oclock and he told Jenny to come by at three. "It must not rain at Indian Wells!" says Jeremy. Dan tells him to get in line. Jeremy says, "Though, interestingly, it was a rainstorm that ended our first fight." I agree that that's interesting, if you define "interesting" as "shut up, Jeremy." Then Jeremy goes back to being panicked and leaves the editing room, saying again, "It must not rain at Indian Wells."

Back at the desk, Casey and Dana are having a staring contest again. Jeremy scurries up and wants to know what they're doing. Dana calls it showing Casey that he can't psych her out. Jeremy, with no time for politeness, says, "Okay, well, this is really stupid and I need to talk to Casey, so --" and luckily for him Kim and Elliot show up with the danishes. Dana apparently has the peripheral vision of Wayne Gretzky, because without taking her eyes off Casey she reaches around and grabs Kim by the arms. Dana explains to Casey that she's only breaking eye contact because the danishes have arrived. Kim gives her a look like the two of them are being really stupid, which means she correctly understands the situation. After the womenfolk leave, Jeremy repeats his line about walking the shadowy line between honesty and deceit. Casey says that's a line he knows well and thinks back to Dana and Gordon and Sally and him. Jeremy reminds him that this is about him and explains the Jenny crisis. Casey doesn't appear to sympathize too much with Jeremy, since he loves draft day "to an admittedly psychotic degree." Casey's advice, and I think it's good advice, is to bite the bullet and tell Natalie so he can "stop living in fear and start rooting for rain at Indian Wells!" "Yes!" says Jeremy. "I will go!" He does not move. See? Beckett. Then he does go, which would have been the ending of Waiting for Godot, had Beckett showed his play to focus groups before rewriting it. Then Casey yells at a Lesser Tertiary Character that it's draft day, but the <TC doesn't know what that is. The <TC is named Allison, but she looks to me like a different Allison than Casey's Sideburn Checker. I have that episode on tape, so I suppose I could check, but -- naaaah. Can I point out that Jeremy and Casey's conversation must have been interesting to Natalie in the control room? I guess these mikes must have that special Punchline Function, which means the control room only overhears Casey and Dan when it's necessary to the plot.