“ The two anchorknobs are standing pantsless and looking sheepish. They start jabbering at each other in one of those 'here we are -- pantsless' conversations which for me usually signifies that the date's going really well. ”
Fade up on Dan and Casey's office, where the two anchorknobs are standing pantsless and looking sheepish. They start jabbering at each other in one of those "here we are -- pantsless" conversations which for me usually signifies that the date's going really well. "We're two grown men, with important jobs, who are standing in our underwear," says Dan. Then he suggests that they sing a song. Casey's response is to pick up the phone and tell someone they could use a little wardrobe.
Dana is happily humming around the studio. She enters the control room, with last-minute preparations going on, but takes the time to ask Jeremy what he thinks. "About the camera?" he says. She says it's not just a camera, it's a "Soshi Sentak RTS-3," and she starts running down the specs, while Jeremy's biggest concern seems to be telling a bunch of people that "Stephon Marbury has four fouls." Finally he turns his attention to Dana and asks if she actually takes pictures or knows anything about cameras. "Not as such, no," admits Dana. "But you're thinking about buying one," says Jeremy. She is. As Dana takes her seat, Natalie comes in, and Dana tells her they need the first team in the studio. Natalie says they're working on it.
Meanwhile, the first team is still standing pantsless in their office, which I'm sure is just fine with any number of Sports Night's viewers. But now Dan is asking Casey whatever happened to his plan -- the plan to break up Gordon and Dana's engagement. Casey gets all shruggy as he admits there's not a plan, but feebly defends himself by saying it wasn't for lack of trying. "I think it was," says Dan. They bicker about it for a moment, with Casey insisting that he tried, and Dan pointing out that try or not, he has no plan, and me saying, "Do or do not, there is no try," except I can't remember if that comes from Yoda or Mr. Miyagi. Casey admits to not having any plan. Dan just stares out the office window, then asks Casey if he thinks the people across the street are looking at them in their underwear. Casey looks over his shoulder. "Yes, I do," he says. Big surprise, coming from Captain Ego.
In the control room, Dana asks Natalie where Dan and Casey are. Natalie explains that they're waiting for their pants. "Both their pants?" says Dana. "Was there an industrial accident?" Natalie explains that wardrobe is pressing the pants. Dana says they have no time and sends Kim to get them, saying they'll get them their pants at the first commercial break, which started me wondering why their pants even need to be pressed, since they're only shown waist-up anyway. Then Dana says none of this would be happening if she had her Soshi Sentak RTS-3, and her repetition of this phrase already has that blood vessel throbbing above my left eye.
Napoleon's Battle Plan
“ Dan explains to Alison that since he and Casey are pantsless, she should either avert her eyes or take off her own pants. Oh, sure -- when he tries that, it's cute, but when I do it, it's all official reprimands and work probation. ”
Back in Dana and Casey's office, the two morons are still establishing that Casey has no plan. Dan asks if Casey knows what that means. "Sadly, I do," says Casey. Dan says it might be time for him to step in. Kim shows up. I wonder if either of them knows how much I would pay for a job where Kim is sent to my office, not only when I have no pants on, but precisely because I have no pants on. Hell, I'd just love a job where I didn't have to wear pants. Kim explains that they'll get their pants at the first c-break. Dan agrees, but says he'd be more comfortable if everyone took off their pants. Kim, who's wearing a dress, just rolls her eyes and marches the two of them through the newsroom, and they're struggling to look as dignified as anyone can while wearing only a shirt and tie, no pants, and black socks. Casey points out that it's the socks that really make the outfit work. "I was gonna say," says Kim, laughing.
In the control room, Jeremy comes in with the news that "Glen Rice is six for six from the arc," like, what's with the not-quite-NBA-superstar theme we've got going on here already? Dana says if they win, they'll go live to it. Then she starts in with the camera again, saying she considered the "Noshita Super 2000 LS-3," but decided that if she was going for a camera, she might as well go whole hog. "Since you don't know what you're doing anyway," offers Jeremy. "Exactly," agrees Dana. Natalie chimes in with the revelation that Dana had a hard time sleeping the night before. From that, Jeremy deduces that she read a mail-order catalogue featuring products she knows nothing about, not unlike me and my college roommates enjoying the Victoria's Secret catalogues that arrived at our house every month, which had been previously occupied by four women. Even better was the fact that my girlfriend at the time liked to order items from the catalogue, which may be responsible for the unrealistic girlfriend's-underwear expectations that I have to this day. Dana babbles on some more about product specs.
In front of the desk, the pantsless wonder boys are getting miked and ready to go on air. "Technically, I have a plan," says Casey. Dan asks what it is. "It's Napoleon's plan," says Casey. "Who's Napoleon?" asks Dan. Casey tells him Napoleon was a nineteenth-century French emperor. "You're cracking wise with me now?" says Dan, who was just now himself either cracking wise or asking a really dumb question, so maybe he should relax. Casey says that Napoleon's plan was a two-parter: "First we show up, then we see what happens." They sit down at the desk. "That was his plan," says Dan. Casey says yeah. "Against the Russian army," says Dan. Casey says yes again. Dan says that it's almost hard to believe Napoleon lost. Then Dan explains to Alison that since he and Casey are pantsless, she should either avert her eyes or take off her own pants. Oh, sure -- when he tries that, it's cute, but when I do it, it's all official reprimands and work probation. ["It's right there in your contract in black and white: 'No thongs.' What'd you expect?" -- Sars] "I'll avert my eyes," says Allison. That's my girl! Casey says she should know that he plays squash three times a week and his calves have been called "shapely." Fortunately, Allison is not swayed. Dan tells Casey that he's going to step in. Casey doesn't want him to, but Dan says the discussion is closed. Then, almost as an afterthought just before they go live, Dan asks Casey who's been calling his calves shapely. Casey says his mother has. "'Kay," says Dan, without changing expression, "don't talk to me for the rest of the show." Heh! They go live.