Bombast

We fade up on an empty newsroom. All the lights are on, computers are on, phones are ringing non-stop, but no one's there. In the journalism industry, this is exactly what a newsroom looks like around 3 p.m. every Friday. It reminds me of the last paper I worked for, where there was a bar conveniently located across the street, and Fridays (there being no weekend edition) would see the entire newsroom staff ("entire" meaning "all five of us") skip out the back door and congregate over at Digger's. And of course, we thought we were being all sly and crafty by using the back door, but the rest of the office knew where we were. I mean, when Digger's closed down because they weren't paying the rent (not that they weren't getting significant contributions from the Times staff), the rest of the office signed a sympathy card for the newsroom, one that began, "In your time of loss..." And now I'm in a different city in a bigger newsroom, and the bar isn't across the street but a couple of blocks away, and it's called the Cornerstone. And why we go there, I'm not really sure, because we inevitably wind up in the section patrolled by the waitress we know only as Surly. She greets us with a grunt, takes hours to deliver drinks, and can mess up the orders of as few as two people. But I'm sure the good folks at CSC aren't off drinking; since the last episode ended with the news that Isaac had just had a stroke, I'm assuming they've all rushed off to the hospital. And I have to say it's fairly effective, because you're anxious to find out how Isaac's doing and these shots of a hastily deserted television studio really ratchet up the tension a notch. Although it does kind of go on for a while, with the endless shots of the empty chairs and the test patterns on the monitor, and you're almost ready to yell, "Okay, there's nobody there, you've established this nicely, thanks!"

So it's a relief when people start flooding back into the studio all at once, and the chaos is remarkably organized as people are yelling things like "I need sound!" and "I'm on it!" and this goes on almost as long as the shots of the empty studio, and Natalie actually yells "no-huddle offence," which really annoyed me, so I was glad when she did a scene hand-off to Dana, except we get more ooh-see-how-calm-and-focused-are-in-a-crisis stuff that was really starting to get irritating, and I'm pleased to see Dan and Casey standing immobile in the newsroom. Dana asks them what they're doing, and they tell her they're standing there, so thank god there is still some idiocy left for me to enjoy. She tells them they're on air in fifteen minutes, so there are other things they should be doing. Oh, so they're going to air in fifteen minutes? Okay, I guess this isn't right after last episode's show. And we find out that Dan and Casey are freaked because there was a bomb scare. Oh. Okay. There was a bomb scare. Um. What about Isaac? Anyway, Dan or Casey says, "There was a bomb scare!" Or maybe they both said it, and I don't think it matters because Dana asks if they know they've been repeating that for the past hour and twenty minutes, which pretty much sounds like normal Sorkin dialogue in any Sports Night episode I've ever seen.

Dan and Casey follow Dana, whining about the bomb scare the whole time, and Dan wants to know if they're just following the herd or if they were actually given the all-clear by someone. Dana is trying to calm them by explaining that the police didn't find anything. Casey, who's clutching a football through the whole scene, points out that it's a huge building and the bomb squad only searched for an hour and twenty minutes. "I can't find my car keys in an hour and twenty minutes!" yells Dan. Oh, and you know what else? Isaac had a stroke. Would you mind addressing that soon, please? Dana, busy getting the show ready, says the police have very advanced bomb-finding techniques, and I hope the police have a more technical name for it than "bomb-finding," because I'd hate for my building to be searched by the Bomb-Finding Guys of my local police department. This doesn't pacify Dan and Casey, who want to know what kind of techniques the bomb-finding guys use. Dana, sounding a little less sure, says they use dogs. Dan and Casey flip out and say they want to talk to the dogs. Dana asks them what they'd say. Natalie shows up and says something about some team putting some player on waivers. Dana tells her that that's a story. Dan and Casey point out that another story is that someone tried to blow them up. They follow Dana and Natalie into the control room as Dana calls them the "biggest babies." Casey says, "Yeah, well, you're scared of fish and I'm scared of dying in a hail of shrapnel. Who's crazier?" And that's actually a good point. But finding no sympathy from Dana, the twits turn their attention to Natalie and ask her if the bomb-finding guys looked "really hard," like in the bottom drawer of their filing cabinet, and I think maybe they were a little worried their stash of Penthouse magazines were discovered. Natalie asks Jeremy if everything's fine. He says yes, which is good enough for her, so the boys clamp onto him and move back onto the topic of the bomb-detecting dogs. They ask Jeremy if he knows what a bomb looks like. He says he doesn't. They ask the TCs, and none of them does either. "But we're betting a German shepherd can pick one out!" yells Casey, and this is way past tiresome already, and in light of the tragic attacks on the U.S. last month, Casey is really making a big fuss over nothing, so I think I'll skip ahead to Casey saying, "Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?" Dana stands up and says, "In ten minutes, three and a half million people are going to tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women." The boys ponder this, then say "okay" and shuffle off to get changed. Heh. Commercials.

Oh, and you know what else? ISAAC HAD A STROKE. Would it kill you to fill us in?

Back from commercials, Dana hears someone in the bathroom, and she walks in, and Isaac's in the shower. He turns around and says, "Oh, hello!" Well, no, that didn't happen. What happens is that Dana is overly nervous in Isaac's office. She picks up the phone and thanks some guy for holding. She flips through papers, saying something about seeing it on Isaac's desk. Our old pal J.J. strolls in and asks if she's talking about the budget overlay, and Dana nods yes and motions for J.J. to hold on. She sets up a meeting with the dude on the phone. She's about to hang up, but pauses, then says, "Yes, I spoke to him this morning. He sounds awfully good." Then she repeats that she spoke to him just this morning, which raises my eyebrows. After Dana hangs up, J.J. asks her about speaking to Isaac, and she's forced to admit that she spoke to Esther and that Isaac couldn't come to the phone, trying to couch it in language that will make it sound less serious to J.J. J.J. asks if there were any signs that Isaac was going to have a stroke. Dana snarkily asks if he means other than actually having a stroke. He says it's unbecoming of her to blame him for this, and I'm not sure exactly how he made that leap from what she said. She keeps the sarcasm turned up to ten and says that that's a shame, because she really wants to be attractive to him. He points out that they have to work together, and she seems to accept this. She declines his offer to help with the deficit overlay. Then J.J. says he can also help keep up the image that Isaac is healthier than he is, that he's still in control of the show, when in reality he's unable to speak on the phone. Dana says Isaac was unable to come to the phone, but he can still speak. "He just had a stroke, Dana. Where was he, square-dancing?"

They're walking while talking now. Dana asks him what he wants, and J.J. says he wants to rock. Either that or he just wants to do his job, which is helping her, without being treated like the guy who just ran over her dog. He says she can't run the show and the organization by herself. Dana, still bluffing, says she doesn't have to run the organization, so J.J. has to point out again that Isaac can't even speak on the phone. Dana motions him into the closest room, which is Dan and Casey's office. J.J. suggests she throw some of her duties to Sally. Dana looks really surprised at this, and she doesn't even know that Sally's already a Dana-substitute as far as Casey's concerned. "What's wrong with Natalie?" she says. "We have more confidence in Sally," says J.J. "I have more confidence in Natalie," says Dana. J.J. gives her a "be that as it may" speech and says they should work together so that Luther doesn't feel the need to appoint an interim managing editor. This upsets Dana even more and she says that that would be a bad idea. J.J. agrees. Dana says she'll tell Luther to his face that that would be a wrong call, and J.J. smashes any hope that they can work together amicably by informing her that Luther could give a damn what she thinks is a wrong call, that Luther only cares what J.J. thinks.

Dan and Casey stroll in; Dana looks vaguely embarrassed to be caught there with J.J., and she isn't helped by Casey saying, "This is weird, 'cause this is exactly where our office used to be!" Dana says they can move to the conference room, but before they go, Danny and Casey start whining to J.J. about someone trying to blow them up. "I wouldn't take it personally," says J.J., with the self-assuredness of someone who I imagine has received death threats many, many times. Danny says they are taking it personally, and Casey wants to know what it was about. J.J. says it was a hoax; someone didn't like the radio show of some guy named Denny Denton, which I'll assume is broadcast by some Continental Corp. station. Dan says he doesn't like the guy's show either, so he what he does is change the station. J.J., not unpleasantly, says, "Would that the world were as enlightened as you, Dan," and Dan agrees, and there's a minor grammar scuffle with Casey to lighten the mood. As J.J. and Dana leave, Casey calls Dana back, and she tells him Esther says that Isaac's doing a bit better. Casey says he'll call Esther later, and Dan asks if Dana's doing all right. She says yes. "With him?" says Dan, meaning J.J. Dana chuckles and says yes, and leaves. And for the couple of minutes, the boys tell each other how likeable they both are. Eventually they get back to work in blessed silence, until Casey says, "And yet, someone tried to blow us up." "That's what I'm saying," says Danny, throwing down his pen. I'm trying to remember if this was funny or irritating before September 11. I know it's not really fair to judge what these guys are saying in light of events occurring some two and a half years after this episode was broadcast, but I really wish they would shut the hell up. ["Word. If you're that wigged out, GO HOME." -- Sars]

In the control room, Natalie's going over some spots with the TCs, and Will and Chris argue over whether the batch includes Seattle. So Natalie asks Dave, who threatens to slap around "Betty" and "Wilma," like, did Betty and Wilma fight all the time or something? And I don't remember Fred ever threatening to smack them around or anything. Whatever. This playful banter is interrupted by Jeremy tapping on the glass because he wants to talk to Natalie. She goes outside and gives him the good news that Pluto isn't being demoted as a planet, and if nobody minds I think I'll just skip this bit of trivia that Sorkin probably saw in the paper the morning he wrote this script. Jeremy guides her into an editing room. He seems rather preoccupied. He sits her down and warns her that what he's about to say may seem abrupt, but she should keep in mind that the key word is "temporarily." So I guess we know where this is headed. "I think we should temporarily -- temporarily! -- stop seeing each other." No visible reaction from Natalie, who just says "okay." Not the response Jeremy was expecting, apparently, so he tells her he's serious, and she says he knows, and he repeats it a couple of times until she tells him she's not acknowledging the break-up. He starts whining about what a crazy time this is (meaning, I'm assuming, his parents' divorce) and that he needs to get his life in order, not to mention the turmoil over what's going with Isaac. Can I just ask what is wrong with Jeremy? This sounds to me exactly the kind of time you need someone in your corner. What could possibly be happening in your life that things can't be made better by the ready availability of regular sex? "We need to stop seeing each other!" he says again emphatically. "No," says Natalie, and she leaves the room. "Wait!" he calls after her, pointing at her. "I break up with you!" "Not this time," she says brightly, and tells him she has to get back to work. He follows her, whining about how this is a unilateral decision and he doesn't need her to sign off on it. This is all a little ridiculous, but I admit that it's kind of funny. I can't believe what a wuss Jeremy is. Natalie reassures him that if it makes him feel better to break up with her, that's fine, but she's not breaking up with him. "It doesn't work that way!" he shouts, and she tells him it is working that way this time as they enter the editing room. She asks the TCs if the film does include Seattle. Dave and Chris both say "yes," glaring at Chris, who all-bitchy says, "Apparently it does." Meanwhile, Natalie and Jeremy continue to squabble, and Dave asks if they want the TCs to leave the room. Natalie explains the nonsense to them, and I'm sure Dave's sorry he asked. Commercials.

We come back on the now sadly outdated New York skyline. Dan's strolling through the hallway towards Rebecca's office, schmoozing and glad-handing all her colleagues. When he enters her office, she says before she gets mad at him that she wants to know how Isaac is. Dan tells her Isaac's blood pressure is normal, then asks why she's mad at him. She responds by asking him why he was avoiding her during the bomb scare, which he denies doing. She won't let up, saying she looked for him, but apparently he had always just left where she'd been told he was just before she got there, if that makes any sense at all. He shrugs it off, saying he was "serpentining," employing "covert ordnance tactics." She asks him where he learned covert ordnance tactics. Dan pauses. "'Nam," he says. Heh. Finally he 'fesses up to avoiding her, and she wants to know why. A little annoyed, he says, "Take a wild, flailing shot in the dark." She sums up the recent developments; you know, her not actually being divorced from Steve Sisko but thinking about it, going to couples counseling, et cetera. "That's amazing," says Dan. Rebecca says she never meant they should stop dating. Wow. She really wants it both ways, doesn't she? For someone who made such a big deal of making sure Dan wasn't going to jerk her around, Rebecca just lost major points with me. Dan says he will not get in the way of another man's marriage. She asks him what he's doing there, then. Dan turns the charm back on and says he came to say hi. "Hi," says Rebecca flirtatiously. Dan smiles a little and says he knew she was looking for him, and he came in to reaffirm his position that they shouldn't see each other, but he is there for her. He says the last bit twice. "So your strategy for this is to be wonderful," says Rebecca. He says yes, and asks if she knows why. If he says "For I am Dan" again, I am out of here. Instead, he says, "Works every time." So when he said he wouldn't get in the way of another man's marriage, I guess he forgot to add, "Other than passive-aggressively." He scurries off, leaving Rebecca giggling and sighing and looking thoughtful all at once.

In the meeting room, Dana is saying to Sally that she hopes helping out while Isaac is off won't disrupt the 2 a.m. slot much, that it's only for a week or so. Sally says it's no problem, but adds that she's surprised Dana didn't ask Natalie to do this. Sally thought Dana had more confidence in Natalie. Dana's a little surprised, but says "no" sadly, without even offering up a feeble statement along the lines of how this has nothing to do with a lack of confidence in Natalie. Speak of the devil, Natalie comes in with the good news that Pluto is still a planet. Is this nonsense supposed to help us realize why the network doesn't have much confidence in Natalie? Because as far as I'm concerned, it's totally working. "It was touch and go there for a while?" says Sally with a little sarcasm. Natalie gets all rah-rah for Pluto here, annoying me. I figure Sally thought to herself, "Oh, this is why Dana didn't ask Natalie; Natalie's insane." Dana tells Natalie that, in Isaac's absence, she's asked Sally to assume some of her duties. Natalie does a good job of looking a little surprised but recovering to say, "I had a hunch!" and thanking Sally for helping out. Dana tries to downplay just how much Sally will be helping out, and does so again when the rest of the crew comes in. Jeremy storms in and announces that he has broken up with Natalie. Dana looks at Natalie, who shakes her head no. Jeremy whips out a piece of paper and says he put it in writing and that he can now ask out other women, which Natalie disputes. To spite her, Jeremy asks out Dana, who turns him down because, she says, he's going out with Natalie. Jeremy stomps off to sulk in his corner. They whip through the rundown meeting really quickly, but before everyone can go, Casey announces that he has some information on what to do if you think the building you work in is in danger of blowing up. All in favour of me skipping this? Carried. Meeting adjourned. Outside, Jeremy pleads some more with Natalie, laying out all the crazy stuff going on in his life again, but she still won't let him break up with her, and refuses to take him seriously, which finally seems to piss him off: "Nothing is the same anymore!" She stops and tells him that many things are the same. Then she explains that she doesn't think his decision-making skills are the best right now, so she's taking him into "receivership" but they're not breaking up.

In Dan and Casey's office, Casey is talking to Esther on the phone, telling her to tell Isaac that everything's fine and he should watch the show. Sally comes in as Casey hangs up, telling Esther he wishes she'd let him do more. Sally inquires about Isaac; Casey says he's doing better. Sally starts going over something for that night's show, but Casey interrupts her and asks her to tell him that she didn't have anything to do with Natalie getting muscled to the side. Sally puts on a hurt face and says that for a guy she's sleeping with, Casey doesn't always say the nicest things to her. What? This is still going on? After Casey found out about Sally and Gordon? I mean, sure, they're adults and all, but I think I might have a problem with sleeping with a woman who's also sleeping with a man who happens to be the boyfriend of the woman I'm actually in love with. I mean, is it me? And did anyone else laugh out loud at Sally suddenly acting like she's got feelings? Casey apologizes. They get back to work, and Sally asks him if he wants a feed from some press conference. Casey says yes, and as Sally turns to go, Casey tells her to ask Natalie first. Sally looks surprised; then, by way of defending herself in the onslaught of Casey's self-righteousness, she says, "I just got a phone call, Casey."

Casey asks her how many people know about them. Sally asks how many people he's told. Casey tells her he's only told Dan, and she says that's how many people know, then. He accepts that. Then she asks if she's going to see him tonight, and he tells her to give him a call after her show. "Should I just come over?" she says, and he says yes. You know, for a woman sleeping with a man who doesn't always say the nicest things to her, she sure doesn't make it all that difficult for him. He reminds her to talk to Natalie about the press conference feed, and this time she says okay. Passing Dan in the doorway, she says hello, and Dan says, "Hey, Sally." Sally wigs out. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she snaps. "What?" says Dan, surprised. "'Hey, Sally'?" she says. "It meant 'hey, Sally,'" says Dan. Sally considers this. "Okay, so did I just totally come unglued?" Dan says she did, but it's nice to see it in her -- not at all sounding like he means it in a mean way, but rather like he thinks it actually makes her seem human. He asks her if she'd like to try it again, and she says yeah. "Hey, Sally," says Dan. "Hey, Dan," she says, as cheerfully as anyone can when they sound close to tears. "There you go," says Dan gently. "Thanks," says Sally, and she walks off. After she's gone, Danny tells Casey that Sally's completely unglued. Casey says they need to give that same "unglued" speech to Dana and Natalie. Huh? Oh yeah, you remember just now when Dan told Sally she was coming unglued? He also told her that these are tense times, and glue doesn't hold in these situations. I didn't note it then because it didn't seem important at the time. Anyway, Casey and Dan then start blathering about how Dana and Natalie are way too calm and are likely to blow. These two boobs then convince each other that it's their responsibility, since they can't defuse the explosives ("explosives" here meaning Dana and Natalie), to make sure they go off in a sparsely populated area. "Now if you've got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we're just the guys to do it!" says Dan. "Yeah!" says Casey. Heh. That cracked me up. They look at each other for a few minutes. "Should we eat first?" says Dan. "Yeah," says Casey. Hee! I love that too. Even the laugh track pops up to say hello here.

A little later, in Isaac's office. Dana is on the phone with someone named Alan, saying "it's no problem" and "it's here somewhere." She's flipping through piles of papers on Isaac's desk as Natalie comes in and watches the chaos. Dana tells Alan she'll call him back when she finds it and hangs up, just as Natalie has found the paper Dana's looking for and is handing it to her. Natalie tells her that Sally has put together a Q&A on the feed from Tucson, and turns to leave. Dana stops her. "It's what J.J. wanted," she says apologetically. "He made a threat and I believed him." Natalie is very understanding as Dana explains that now is not a good time to be fighting with the network. "No problem," says Natalie, turning to go.

But we hear Dan and Casey long before they actually enter the room, yelling "No problem!" and "Don't worry about it!" and "Everything's fine!" and such. Dana wants to know what's going on, and the boys sum it up for her -- yesterday the building had to be evacuated because some people didn't like Denny Denton's lisping impression of Jesus. Man, I'd be offended by that too. Not because of the Jesus thing, but isn't the whole lisping-equals-gay thing pretty played? I mean, who does that anymore? Who thinks it's funny anymore? Who wants to return to a time when John Ritter could make money doing that? Anyway, Dan says his girlfriend, whom he's grown fond of, is thinking of going back to her husband, "but that's just because he treats her bad." Casey says the only good thing in Jeremy's life right now is Natalie, so he thinks this would a good time to get rid of her. Dan's turn -- he says the networks have decided to show Dana who's boss, and if she doesn't do something "lickety-split," it's going to be J.J. Dana gives him a little glare on that one. "And, oh yeah," says Casey, and he reminds them that Isaac's lying in a bed in Columbia Presbyterian after having a stroke. Dan asks if there's anything else. Casey reminds him that they have the live feed from Tucson. "Then we're all set!" says Dan, and they clench their fists and say "good show!" to Dana and Natalie and head out the door. The look on Dana's face indicates that she's having none of this. "We're women," Natalie calls after them. The boys come back into Isaac's office, confused.

"We're women," Dana repeats. Casey makes a snarky comment about how there's considerable evidence to support that theory. Dana goes on about women keeping it together when the going gets tough. "That's what we do," she explains. Casey's a little incredulous at this. "Well, we're men. We're petrified. That's what we do," he says, making Natalie smile. Dan says they've found that giving in to their fears has made them stronger. Casey points out that it's also made them pathetic. "But mostly stronger," offers Dan. Then they remind Dana and Natalie that if they're sad or mad or scared, they should say so, because Dan and Casey might be able to say something to make them feel better. "That's the other thing we do," says Casey. Dana and Natalie consider this. "Did you say a lisp?" says Dana. "Yes," says Casey. "Denny Denton was doing Jesus with a lisp?" she says. Casey says yes again. "And that's why someone tried to blow us up." "Yes." "I still hate you, you know." "Yes." "Isaac had a stroke and somebody tried to blow up the building. We're not having our best week, are we?" Casey says "no," then tells her, checking his watch, that they're going to get some good news in about eleven seconds. "Good news? What?" says Dana. "You ready?" says Casey. Then, over the intercom, Elliot: "Three minutes to air, first team to the studio." Dana and Natalie both laugh. Casey says, "Have a good show," and he and Dan smile as they leave the office. Oh, all right. Aw.

Dana and Natalie gather up their crap and then walk and talk. "Hang in there with this, Natalie," says Dana. Natalie thinks Dana's talking about Jeremy, but Dana's talking about the network. She starts explaining that she's going to run the show her way and "J.J. can take a seat in the bleachers" et cetera. Natalie says, "Whatever you need." Dana says she needs Natalie, she needs Isaac back, and she needs people to stop trying to blow up the building. Natalie says Dana's got her, at least. And then Dana starts supporting Natalie in not acknowledging Jeremy's attempted break-up. And it goes on like this for a while, and the upshot is that sisters are doin' it for themselves, or something. I guess. They enter the control room as the show's about to go live. Chris and Will bicker about something, prompting Dave to snap, "I will kill you both with my hands." Heh. The criminally underused Allison tells the boys to have a good show, and then we get more nonsense from Casey regarding how dangerous all the studio equipment would be in the event of an explosion.

Aw, man. More garbage from Natalie as she announces to the control room that she's still Jeremy's girlfriend. Okay, that's fine. But is it necessary for her to share with everybody that "he's seen [her] naked many times"? No, I didn't think so. Then she says, with a little shimmy, "Sometimes I do a little dance." Will turns around. "Eyes front, mister!" snaps Jeremy, in a confrontation between probably the two biggest pansies on the entire show. This is funny and all, unless you think about how incredibly irritating you'd find it if someone in your office behaved the way Natalie does. Not to mention that when someone doesn't acknowledge a break-up, it's usually called "stalking."

Out at the desk, Casey gets quiet. He says, "Dan, I just wanted to say that if anything terrible ever had to happen to one of us...I'd want it to be you." You think he's kidding? "Thanks," says Dan. The boys go live, teasing their top stories, and Casey wraps up the intro with, "And guess what? Pluto is still a planet."