“ And the officer was all, 'Is this Daniel MacEachern?' you know, all cop-like, and I said 'yes' -- and here Sars is doing that gesture with her hands that tells me to wrap it up. ”
There are certain patterns in a person's life that shouldn't be messed with, certain routines that you fall into that screw you up if they get disrupted. I myself am a creature of habit, and I get annoyed when things happen that interrupt my flow, you know? Like if the Expos were to win more than one game at a time (keep your comments to yourself, please, Sars). Or when you go to your favourite bar and sit at your favourite table and find out that your favourite waitress has the night off, and instead you're served by the one waitress who's really mean and you don't even know her name so you all just refer to her as Surly. Or like this episode of Sports Night, which doesn't open with Casey doing his trademark deadpan delivery of some dumb joke. Instead, we open up on Michael J. Fox snuggling with that one chick from Spin City, whose name I don't know. They're on the couch. And I know that debating Michael J. Fox vs. Charlie Sheen on Spin City is a little like choosing which Cyndi Lauper album you'd like playing while having a tooth extracted in terms of its futility, but I confess that Charlie Sheen cracks me up. I mean, yeah, cocaine and hookers and everything, but the guy was in Major League, y'all. And Charlie Sheen was also part of one of my favourite cinematic explosions ever, the one in The Rookie, where he and Clint Eastwood drive that car out the window on an upper level of that warehouse place or whatever just before Raul Julia blows it up. It's probably as close to a Die Hard explosion as you're going to get without actually watching Die Hard. But more than that, the guy's voice kills me. I don't know how anybody takes the guy seriously. In fact, I'm currently working on a song about it. It's called "My Charlie Sheen Voice," and I don't want anyone to steal this idea, okay? Basically all I have right now is, "This is my Charlie Sheen voice/It helps me with the ladies." And I sing it in my, you know, my Charlie Sheen voice. I mean, it needs a few more verses, but it's basically there. Oh yeah, the show.
Anyway, that Spin City woman turns on the television, and there's Casey talking about Wayne Gretzky scoring a hat trick. And this got me a little choked up, because of course Gretzky retired later that year. I have the game on tape. I actually haven't watched it since that sad day, mainly because it was pretty emotional and I need a little more distance from it. And then thinking about the last game reminded me of watching his second-last game, against the Senators. See, I was interrupted by a phone call from the police. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm being interrupted during Gretzky's second-last game, but the cops are calling me. And the officer was all, "Is this Daniel MacEachern?" you know, all cop-like, and I said "yes" -- and here Sars is doing that gesture with her hands that tells me to wrap it up. ["More like the one where she's propping her eyelids open with toothpicks." -- Sars] So all I'll say is, that chick's neck was NOT sore when we exchanged insurance information the day before.
Dana And The Deep Blue Sea
So anyway, Casey is talking about Gretzky scoring a hat trick. And Spin City chick asks what a hat trick is, even though Casey just explained it. Proud Canadian Michael J. Fox explains that it's when a player scores three times. So she grabs a nearby baseball cap and puts it on his head. Oh, I get it. He nailed her three times. Still, somebody should tell that twit that when someone scores a hat trick, you don't put a hat on -- you take it off, and you throw it on the ice. Anyway, Casey says something about how we should keep our eyes on Gretzky, because he suspects the guy has a future in the NHL. Ah. There's Casey's trademark deadpan delivery of a dumb joke, as we segue seamlessly into the opening credits of Sports Night.
Dan throws to some field reporter, and during the break starts haranguing Casey about how he has to do some "recon" for him and recommend him. Casey says he's not going to walk into the office of a woman he doesn't know, a woman who has turned Danny down seventeen times, and recommend him to her. "Do you think I'm becoming obsessed?" asks Dan. Casey says "yes." I would like to dispute the necessity of the "becoming" in that question, but anyway. "Do you think it's because she won't go out with me?" says Dan. Casey says yes to this as well, and adds that it's becoming distracting, but Dan says he's not distracted. They go back live. Dan: "The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neighbourhood park all covered in cheese." Casey looks up as Dan continues. In the control room, Jeremy appears to be the only one who notices it. He points out the "all covered in cheese" thing to Dana and Natalie. They figure out that it was supposed to be "all covered in trees." When they break for commercial, Casey says, "'A neighbourhood park all covered in cheese'?" Dan hadn't even noticed. Casey starts to smirk, and Dan says he'll fix it when they come back. "Are we sure it's wrong? Are we sure the park isn't covered in cheese?" says Casey. Heh. Danny says, "It's covered in trees and shut up." Casey says he was just considering doing recon for Danny, but he's only kidding (Danny, however, was completely sucked in). The whole gang makes fun of the mistake for about half an hour. Casey suggests Danny specify that it's the park that's covered in cheese and not the father. Poor Dan takes a beating. Can I point out that, even if he had gotten it right, any writer who describes a park as "all covered in trees" needs a better editor. Of course, not every writer is blessed with their very own Sars. ["Aw, thanks. And it's worth pointing out that my own father is, in fact, frequently 'all covered in cheese.' But enough about me." -- Sars] Commercials.