Reader mailbags are a great way for viewers to feel like they're part of a show; it's an opportunity for the anchors to connect with their audience, which is why its shabby treatment on Sports Night is all the more distressing. A reader asks who would win if the 1927 Yankees played the 1998 Yankees in the World Series. Casey mocks the person who submitted the question and points out that the World Series is contested by two teams alive at the same time. But, pressed for an answer, he figures the '27 Yankees would be confused by the jet planes flying overhead. Then he does that biting-his-lower-lip-to-suppress-a-smirk thing that he does when he thinks he's gotten off a good one. I mean, if his goal is to get thousands of viewers to say "fuck you" and switch to another sports show, then this segment was probably a huge success. Dan takes the show to commercial and then starts asking Casey, "Do you understand?" a whole bunch of times and Casey says "no" and "no" and then "yes" -- but he's lying. "Can I spread it out for you in a nutshell?" asks Danny, and Casey says no because he's tired of Danny mixing his metaphors. "'Spread it out for you in a nutshell'? How ya' doin', I'm a professional writer," says Casey mockingly. He's one to talk. Were those even metaphors Dan was using? Figures of speech, for sure, but full-on metaphors? So maybe Danny's guilty of a malapropism, nothing more. But now he's pissed at Casey being such a jackass, so he does that thing that always cracks me up where you point to someone's tie and pretend there's a spot on it, and then when they look down, you give them a little poke. I love that.
In the control room, Dana's looking for tape of the end of the Michigan game. Jeremy says they're still waiting for the end of the Michigan game to be played. Then someone mentions Denver, and Jeremy says it was 66 degrees in Denver today. "Tell me quickly why I care," says Dana. Jeremy remembers that discretion is the better part of valour, so he just says, "No earthly reason." This scene had no point other than to set up a running "joke" for the show, namely Jeremy's weather geekiness. So you know we're hurting for jokes over here. I think I'll just award this episode a D right now and get it over with.
Back at the desk, Casey still doesn't understand what Dan's saying, so Dan gets to repeat his stupid line about spreading it out in a nutshell. Dan starts trying to tell a story, but Casey keeps interrupting with dumb questions, angering Dan, who says he'll tell Casey the things he needs to know. Casey says something about how his ex-wife said that once and now she has half his stuff. Haven't I warned Casey before about ripping off Lenny Briscoe's shtick? Anyway, Dan met this girl in the elevator at work. "Did you make a pass at her?" interrupts Casey. Dan gets mad at him for interrupting again, and then busts on Casey because Danny doesn't think anybody even says "make a pass" anymore. "I just did," points out Casey. He's right, I suppose. Dan can't argue with that, and then he says he didn't make a pass at her and asks if Casey knows why. "Because you're not that guy?" suggests Casey. Dan confirms that he is indeed not that guy. I wish either one of them were that guy who knows how to get to the point quickly. You know how, when you were a kid, your older brother would grab your arm and make you hit yourself with it? And he'd say, "Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?" over and over again as he'd beat you senseless? That's kind of what this is like. Well, except that I was the eldest so I used to do that to my little brother. But this scene is kind of how I imagine that must have been like for him. So I'd just like to say I'm sorry, Patrick.
I guess Jeremy is the guy who'll get to the point; he says he only mentioned the Denver weather because it was unseasonably warm. Oh, have we conveniently jumped back to winter, after being at July 31 last episode for baseball's trade deadline? Or maybe Sports Night exists in a parallel universe, where 66 degrees actually is unseasonably warm for Denver in August. Whatever the case, Dana doesn't care, even if it's a record, although it isn't. Jeremy says there was record rainfall in Katmandu, and Dana asks if he'd mind if she made fun of him for being a weather nerd. I'm kind of surprised that Jeremy's weather nerdiness isn't just one more of his ideal boyfriend qualities as far as Dana and Natalie are concerned. Natalie says that Jeremy prefers "meteorology nerd," which Jeremy confirms. Dana asks again for tape of the end of the Michigan game, and Jeremy has to point out again that that tape doesn't exist yet. Dana sarcastically thanks "Mr. Helper," and Natalie stands by her man and tells Dana not to get "persnickety." And if one of the rules of the Sports Night drinking game happened to be "drink every time someone says 'persnickety,'" then the amount of alcohol you'd be forced to consume in the ten seconds would pretty much instantly shut down your nervous system. Which, all things considered right now, isn't unappealing. Instead, since I knew how long this was going to take, I played some basketball in the park, wrote a letter home, cleaned my bathroom, and finished my master's thesis on Raskolnikov's inner turmoil in Crime and Punishment -- and when I returned to the show, they were just moving along, having settled any disputes over whether or not Dana's being persnickety and what degree of said persnicketyness she's being and why she's being persnickety. According to Natalie, it's because she thinks Gordon's about to break up with her; also, she's secretly in love with Casey. Dana wants to know if Natalie can distinguish between conversations they have in private and conversations they have in a roomful of people. Well, on this show, that line gets crossed quite often, so I don't think Dana can blame Natalie. Isaac pops in and says he wants to see the senior staff in the conference room after the show. When Dana asks why, Isaac says, "Because I said so." "Oh, and that's not persnickety?" Dana asks the room. "He makes it work," says Elliot, which was pretty funny. And true! It's funny and true! Dana wants to know if any of the staff are going to be fired after the show. Isaac says "no," but Dana assures him that she doesn't care if they are.
Back at the desk, Dan is wrapping up this apparently complicated story about how he's now seeing this girl named Elaine, so he can't ask out the girl from the elevator, even though Natalie keeps telling her he will. Casey still does not get it, but I don't think that's saying much. He likely wasn't paying close attention, as the story has nothing to do with him. The boys go back live as we go to commercial.
“ Dammit, it's never about Zambonis. Just once, I wish this could be about Zambonis. ”
Dan and Casey's office. Casey is dressed for the show and typing on his computer. Dana comes in and giggles a little, saying she just thought of a funny visual. Casey's kind of preoccupied and only says he needs some time in the twenties. She asks him if he wants to know what her funny visual is. He asks if it involves a Zamboni. She asks how he knows that. He says, "You like Zambonis," which takes me completely by surprise. we get a long, involved discussion about whether or not everybody likes Zambonis. "Do you think I'm weird?" she asks. "In so many ways," he says. "Because I like Zambonis?" she asks. He looks up, finally paying attention, realizing this isn't actually about Zambonis. Dammit, it's never about Zambonis. Just once, I wish this could be about Zambonis. He asks what's on her mind. She says she doesn't know what to say to keep Gordon from breaking up with her. "What do you want to say to him?" he says. "Don't break up with me," she says. He tells her that won't work and asks if she has anything else. She says no. He tells her to try the truth, which can be very attractive. "Not for a woman," she says, then she goes into a passionate speech about how much she loves her job and it's part of who she is and she's different without it. It's a very stirring speech, and Casey is completely enthralled. He tells her to say that to Gordon, but she says it won't work. Casey says, "Any man who hears that and doesn't say, 'For a woman like you, for a person, for you I will take whatever time you can give me and be grateful for that all my life,' any man who hears that and doesn't throw you down on the nearest flat surface is just taking up space for the rest of us." Dana feels immensely better. Casey then says she shouldn't need Natalie to shove her in there whenever she needs to talk about something, which she half-heartedly denies was the case. It's a nice moment between the two of them, with Casey able to appear genuinely caring about Dana's happiness over his own. The "five minutes to air" alert is given, and Casey gets up to leave. Dana elects to sit for a few moments and says she appreciates his time.
In the studio, J.J. is explaining broadcasting lingo to his fiance, Judith. Isaac greets them and introductions are made, J.J. making a smarmy comment about having to watch Isaac around "the ladies." Isaac calls Natalie over and asks her to quickly introduce Judith to Dan and Casey before the show starts. After Natalie carts Judith off, Isaac says he's been thinking about what he said before about division, how it's not good for the show, the network, Continental Corp., or Luther Sachs. "So I asked myself, who is it good for?" J.J. says, "Yeah?" Isaac stares right through him and says, "I find out that quote in the Journal came from you, I'll own your ass. I mean I'll absolutely own it." Judith comes back before J.J. has a chance to respond. She starts babbling about how Dan and Casey are both very nice and very funny and how they like J.J. a lot. My god, when will the lying stop? Isaac says she's welcome any time and leaves. I love the look on J.J.'s face as he watches Isaac walk away. It's kind of a combination of anger, fear, and an understanding that Isaac now knows what a snake he is.