By Daniel
There are certain patterns in a person's life that shouldn't be messed with, certain routines that you fall into that screw you up if they get disrupted. I myself am a creature of habit, and I get annoyed when things happen that interrupt my flow, you know? Like if the Expos were to win more than one game at a time (keep your comments to yourself, please, Sars). Or when you go to your favourite bar and sit at your favourite table and find out that your favourite waitress has the night off, and instead you're served by the one waitress who's really mean and you don't even know her name so you all just refer to her as Surly. Or like this episode of Sports Night, which doesn't open with Casey doing his trademark deadpan delivery of some dumb joke. Instead, we open up on Michael J. Fox snuggling with that one chick from Spin City, whose name I don't know. They're on the couch. And I know that debating Michael J. Fox vs. Charlie Sheen on Spin City is a little like choosing which Cyndi Lauper album you'd like playing while having a tooth extracted in terms of its futility, but I confess that Charlie Sheen cracks me up. I mean, yeah, cocaine and hookers and everything, but the guy was in Major League, y'all. And Charlie Sheen was also part of one of my favourite cinematic explosions ever, the one in The Rookie, where he and Clint Eastwood drive that car out the window on an upper level of that warehouse place or whatever just before Raul Julia blows it up. It's probably as close to a Die Hard explosion as you're going to get without actually watching Die Hard. But more than that, the guy's voice kills me. I don't know how anybody takes the guy seriously. In fact, I'm currently working on a song about it. It's called "My Charlie Sheen Voice," and I don't want anyone to steal this idea, okay? Basically all I have right now is, "This is my Charlie Sheen voice/It helps me with the ladies." And I sing it in my, you know, my Charlie Sheen voice. I mean, it needs a few more verses, but it's basically there. Oh yeah, the show.
Anyway, that Spin City woman turns on the television, and there's Casey talking about Wayne Gretzky scoring a hat trick. And this got me a little choked up, because of course Gretzky retired later that year. I have the game on tape. I actually haven't watched it since that sad day, mainly because it was pretty emotional and I need a little more distance from it. And then thinking about the last game reminded me of watching his second-last game, against the Senators. See, I was interrupted by a phone call from the police. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm being interrupted during Gretzky's second-last game, but the cops are calling me. And the officer was all, "Is this Daniel MacEachern?" you know, all cop-like, and I said "yes" -- and here Sars is doing that gesture with her hands that tells me to wrap it up. ["More like the one where she's propping her eyelids open with toothpicks." -- Sars] So all I'll say is, that chick's neck was NOT sore when we exchanged insurance information the day before.
So anyway, Casey is talking about Gretzky scoring a hat trick. And Spin City chick asks what a hat trick is, even though Casey just explained it. Proud Canadian Michael J. Fox explains that it's when a player scores three times. So she grabs a nearby baseball cap and puts it on his head. Oh, I get it. He nailed her three times. Still, somebody should tell that twit that when someone scores a hat trick, you don't put a hat on -- you take it off, and you throw it on the ice. Anyway, Casey says something about how we should keep our eyes on Gretzky, because he suspects the guy has a future in the NHL. Ah. There's Casey's trademark deadpan delivery of a dumb joke, as we segue seamlessly into the opening credits of Sports Night.
Dan throws to some field reporter, and during the break starts haranguing Casey about how he has to do some "recon" for him and recommend him. Casey says he's not going to walk into the office of a woman he doesn't know, a woman who has turned Danny down seventeen times, and recommend him to her. "Do you think I'm becoming obsessed?" asks Dan. Casey says "yes." I would like to dispute the necessity of the "becoming" in that question, but anyway. "Do you think it's because she won't go out with me?" says Dan. Casey says yes to this as well, and adds that it's becoming distracting, but Dan says he's not distracted. They go back live. Dan: "The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neighbourhood park all covered in cheese." Casey looks up as Dan continues. In the control room, Jeremy appears to be the only one who notices it. He points out the "all covered in cheese" thing to Dana and Natalie. They figure out that it was supposed to be "all covered in trees." When they break for commercial, Casey says, "'A neighbourhood park all covered in cheese'?" Dan hadn't even noticed. Casey starts to smirk, and Dan says he'll fix it when they come back. "Are we sure it's wrong? Are we sure the park isn't covered in cheese?" says Casey. Heh. Danny says, "It's covered in trees and shut up." Casey says he was just considering doing recon for Danny, but he's only kidding (Danny, however, was completely sucked in). The whole gang makes fun of the mistake for about half an hour. Casey suggests Danny specify that it's the park that's covered in cheese and not the father. Poor Dan takes a beating. Can I point out that, even if he had gotten it right, any writer who describes a park as "all covered in trees" needs a better editor. Of course, not every writer is blessed with their very own Sars. ["Aw, thanks. And it's worth pointing out that my own father is, in fact, frequently 'all covered in cheese.' But enough about me." -- Sars] Commercials.
In the first thirty seconds after we come back, Dana says "I'm going snorkeling" about 800 times. She says it while she's trailing Casey, who's wandering around the newsroom and yelling out stuff like how bad it would be if someone brought him the "Albert Belle film" because then he might be able to get some work done, and if he's got time to bellow orders at all the underlings, you'd think he could get the damn film himself. He's not paying any attention to Dana whatsoever, which is why she has to keep following him and pathetically repeating herself. She's going snorkeling the weekend after with Gordon and three other couples, and she's badgering Casey into telling her he thinks it's a good sign, which he does, because it looks like he finally gets the sense that this is really important to her, as sad as she's behaving right now. But unlike me, Casey can walk away, which he does, and Dana pounces on Natalie and says, "I'm going snorkeling!" about 500 more times as we get an exact repeat of things with Casey -- Natalie trying to work, Dana tagging along. And Natalie says "it's great" that Dana's going snorkeling and Dana says "isn't it?" about a dozen times, and we're halfway through this episode already and all it's been so far is Dana feigning enthusiasm, so, Sorkin? We get it. And by "we" I mean those of us who haven't already thrown a brick through our televisions. Which I actually did, so in one way I kind of owe my brand-new television (my mighty moderately-sized television) to Dana's yammering. And since we all know Dana's going to pull an about-face on her snorkeling excitement, I wish we could just skip right to it.
Finally Dana tells Natalie, "You have to help me." "Why?" says Natalie. "'Cause I'm going snorkeling," says Dana. You know, this is what it sounds like when doves cry. Natalie, who sounds like she had a bit of a cold when she did this scene, is trying to suss out exactly what the deal is. Dana admits that she's afraid of fish. No, she didn't have a bad experience with fish or anything. "It's just the way it is," says Dana, which I guess translates into "what contrived obstacle to happiness can we place in front of our heroes this week?" Natalie doesn't understand what the big whoop is. But Dana says it's a big deal that Gordon asked her to go, because the "smart money" said he was going to dump her. That's a bad thing...how? Then Dana completely loses her mind and busts on Natalie for not being happier for her. Dana's also surprised that Natalie isn't still harping on her being secretly in love with Casey. Natalie says she's letting that go -- but we know that's not true, don't we? Dana starts going on about how she can't not go snorkeling, because it's Gordon's opinion that she doesn't give enough of herself. You know what? I don't know any guy who devises relationship tests like this. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, and maybe it's because Gordon's got like fifteen years on me, but I really think this is more of a woman thing. I've been given the old plant test. You know -- see how well he looks after a living thing? She gave me a fig tree for Christmas. It died. She's gone. Closest a guy comes to anything like that is maybe we don't mind looking closely to see how a woman eats a Popsicle, but that's not really the same thing. A woman can't fail that test; there's really no wrong way to eat a Popsicle. Oh, and before this scene ends, Natalie has gone back on her promise to drop the secretly-in-love-with-Casey crap. "Oh, I should have seen that coming!" says Dana. Yes, she should have. Even my neighbour thumped on the wall and said, "I bet Natalie says Dana's secretly in love with Casey!"
In Dan and Casey's office, Dan is marvelling at the fact that Rebecca's never seen their show. Given Sports Night's dismal ratings, he might want to prepare himself better for such letdowns in the future. Casey asks if there isn't some kind of grievance hotline Dan could call. Dan rolls his eyes and says he wants Casey to take this seriously. "I don't think that's going to happen, do you?" says Casey. Danny whines some more about how he wants her to see the show, because that's where he's at his best. Casey asks Dan how many times he's approached Rebecca. After some prodding from Casey to include the flowers and the sounds-suspiciously-like-harassment "waiting by the elevator," Dan admits he's approached her seventeen times, and each time she's said she's not interested. Casey says, "So let me ask, have you explored the possibility that she's not interested?" Dan says he knows that. Casey then says that maybe Dan should let Rebecca know how he really feels and go for twenty times. "I will not be the subject of your mockery!" says Dan. "Oh, I think you shall," says Casey. Heh. Normally, Casey's lack of empathy for other people's problems annoys me, but I do think Danny deserves the teasing here.
Seeing that he'll get no love from Casey, Dan corrals Jeremy in the newsroom. "Don't listen to him!" yells Casey from the office. "No one's talking to you!" Danny yells back. He asks Jeremy for a favour. "Is this about Rebecca?" asks Jeremy. Dan says it isn't. Jeremy says he's rooting for Dan, but he really can't get involved. "Bad things happen to people when they get involved in other people's business, a lesson I'm trying to teach Natalie, so I'd like to set a good example," he says. Well, what you should do is, when Natalie butts into other people's business, you should point at the other people and say, "No! Bad! Bad girlfriend!" and whack her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. That'll learn her. Dan says about eighty times that it's not about Rebecca. Jeremy says okay and asks what Danny needs. "It's about Rebecca," says Dan. I fucking give up, I really do. Dan wants Jeremy to make up some excuse to go down to Rebecca's office and say nice things about Dan. Jeremy says he won't do that, because he'll look like a jackass. Dan assures him that he'll look sweet because women like being stalked. His words, not mine. "Not as much as you might think," says Jeremy. So Dan plays his trump card and says he and Jeremy need a stronger bond. This seems to get Jeremy, who we all remember never really fit in at his other jobs. Jeremy says they have a pretty strong bond. Dan says it's not as strong as it could be, and uses him and Casey as an example. Jeremy asks if Casey is willing to do it. "No!" yells Casey. "Hey!" shouts Danny. Heh. Jeremy starts to leave, so Dan starts laying on the guilt about all the help he gave Jeremy with Natalie. In a nice touch, for a brief second we can see Casey -- not really part of the scene but in the background out of focus over Dan's shoulder -- cross his arms and listen to what's going on. "And this is how I'm to be repaid," says Dan. Jeremy shakes his head at how much Dan sounds like his mother and walks away again, Dan chasing him. Jeremy asks what kind of excuse he could give. Hey, you're looking for a staple remover. Casey says Jeremy'll think of something because he's good on his feet, which Jeremy disputes. Dan says all he wants is for Jeremy to brag about Dan's qualities -- Dan's even prepared a short list to help Jeremy out. Jeremy asks if there's any other way they could strengthen their bond, but Dan says no. Jeremy caves and asks for the list. Dan gives it to him and smiles as Jeremy walks off.
In Isaac's office, Dana is perched on his desk, going on about her fear of fish and how she's not embarrassed to admit it, although I think she ought to be, so let's skip all this and get right to the heart of the problem, shall we? Isaac fixes himself a drink, so I guess it's at least noon. He asks if everything's all right with her and Gordon. She gets a little anxious and says, "Yeah, I'm just, I'm 33." She starts fidgeting. "And I'm very much afraid of fish." She gets up to leave. "Okay," says Isaac. Dana pauses at the door for a second, then walks out. All right, Huffman did that last bit so well that all the annoying stuff about her fear of fish was worth it. Commercials.
Rebecca's office. Rebecca's on the phone when Jeremy comes in, and he tells her he can wait until she's off. Covering the mouthpiece, she asks him what he needs. "That's a fair question," he says, prompting her to immediately hang up the phone, probably to keep the line clear for when she has to call security. Jeremy says he's there to welcome her to the building. "I've been working here for three years," she says. "Yes," says Jeremy. "I misspoke, I'm new here." Jeremy's well-thought-out plan crumbling, she suggests he start again; he's about to when she tells him he's from Sports Night and here to say nice things about Dan. He admits it. She asks if everyone who works for the show is deranged. He says everyone but him. She tells him he needed a better plan. "Won't you please go out with Dan?" he says. She makes a crack about how "Kiki at cheerleader tryouts" told her Dan said in the cafeteria that he liked her, which was pretty funny. Rebecca says she has experience with sportscasters; she was married to one. Jeremy asks which one, and she tells him it's none of his business. "They are self-absorbed, narrow-minded, immature people of limited intelligence and limitless ego," she says. Jeremy says, "It's none of my business, but if that's the kind of thing you told your husband..." but Rebecca cuts him off before he can get too far with that. He moves to leave, but turns back to tell her she can go out with Dan or not, but nothing she just said describes Dan. Huh. He must have missed the "self-absorbed," "immature," and "limitless ego" bits. Rebecca thanks him. He says, "Welcome to the building!" and leaves a reflective Rebecca.
At the ten-o'clock rundown meeting, Dana's going over the sked when Will and Chris start arguing about writing stuff down in pencil or pen (you know, because you can erase a pencil if you need to, et cetera). I have to say, it's pretty gay. Dana, being a little more discreet than I am, calls it "dork recess" and says she wishes people wouldn't always unravel at the ten-o'clock meeting, providing a fine example herself, as everyone looks a little uncomfortable. Natalie tries to continue, but Dana starts freaking about going snorkeling. Natalie says this might not be the time, but Dana starts explaining how she can save her relationship by going snorkeling. Kim, in her first how-much-do-I-love-Kim moment in a long time, says that, for the guys she goes out with, it's usually enough just to wear the outfit. The phone rings, Elliot gets it, it's Gordon for Dana. "You want us to leave the room?" asks Natalie. Dana says he's just calling to say hi. She takes the call and says, "What's happening?" Then, "We were just talking about that. I'm going to overcome my fear of fish." Then her face falls. "Really," she says. She swivels her chair away from the table. Natalie quietly tells everyone that they'll meet back in twenty minutes. Everybody exits, leaving Dana telling Gordon "it's fine" and saying she'll use the time to get over her fear of something other than fish. Like bears. This is what she says.
Casey's alone in his office when Natalie walks in and asks if she can borrow a piece of paper. He says "sure" and gives her one. She crumples it up and bounces it off his forehead. Don't be impressed; that ginormous Rectangle Head of his is a pretty easy target. He wants to know what he's done. She asks him why he's not pursuing Dana like she told him to. He points out that she made it clear she wanted him to stop pursuing her, which he wasn't even doing in the first place. She tells him Dana's in the conference room listening to Gordon bail on going snorkeling. Natalie says Dana was very excited about going (except she wasn't) and planning on getting over her fear of fish. "Fish is not what Dana's afraid of," says Casey. He says she's afraid of holding out for what she deserves. They both agree that she's not happy going out with Gordon, but when Natalie says Dana would be happy going out with Casey, he dismisses that -- but allows himself to ask if Dana has said anything along those lines (she hasn't). Natalie says Gordon is about to break up with Dana, and the only reason she cares is because she thinks she's supposed to. Isaac walks into the office, and Natalie outlines her theory to him about Dana and Gordon and asks if Isaac agrees. He tells her he'll just leave now and it'll be like he never came in. Isaac gets approximately three lines this episode, but he kills every time. After he leaves, Natalie tells Casey that he should do something. Casey says that if he did do something, it would just be as a friend. You can see Casey letting his guard down here. Natalie tells him to go to her. "Go to her?" says Casey. "Go to her," says Natalie. They repeat that about a hundred times. "What should I do once I get to her?" he asks. "Be a man," says Natalie. Casey nods. He turns to go, then comes back. "I've got that wired, right?" he says. Natalie smiles and says yes. If he needs any more confirmation, he should just check out the Six Feet Under boards.
Dana's leaving the conference room when Casey catches up to her. She starts talking about show-related matters, and he asks her if everything's okay with her and Gordon. She says it is. He says he heard Gordon called off the snorkeling, which you'd think might annoy Dana a little bit in terms of the non-privacy of the office, since she just got off the phone with Gordon and hadn't actually talked to anyone about this, meaning that someone went running straight to Casey to tell him about her problems. Anyway, Dana says Gordon did cancel the snorkeling; they're going skiing instead, at Sugar Bush, where they went the first time. I saw a movie called Sugar Bush once. It wasn't about skiing, though. "So everything works out," she says. "It does," agrees Casey. She asks if there was anything else. He says no. She walks away, saying she loved his intro to the forties: "You are cracking me up today." "Excellent," he says, looking after her, the very picture of forlorn. The way he's standing right now, he's absolutely begging someone walking by to yank his pants down. But that won't happen. After all, this is TV, not HBO.
Rebecca Hallway. Rebecca is giving orders to another mute extra. Dan pops up, like, why doesn't Rebecca get a bodyguard already? He trails her down the hallway to the elevators. "I knew I knew you," he says. "You're Steve Sisko's wife." The "Thong Song" guy? "We were introduced once," Dan continues. Rebecca says yes. They back-and-forth a bit about why each of them didn't remember, or pretended not to remember, the other. Dan says that even when she admitted she remembered, she still didn't want to go out with him, and repeats what she told Jeremy earlier about sportscasters. "That's right," she says. Then he does nothing to disprove her point by correcting her that he's a "sports anchor," not a "sportscaster." "Second of all, you married a jerk," he says. He calls her "sister" and talks about how everybody knows about Steve Sisko. He says the fact she thinks Steve Sisko's "low-grade brand of manhood" is indicative of Dan's profession is beneath her obvious intelligence and class. "What guys like that do to women like you makes me absolutely crazy," he says. Then he gets cutesy on her, describing how they could go out after the show, get some dinner, how he'd be successful trying to kiss her goodnight, et cetera. Yeah, way to dispel the "limitless ego" knock, there, Danny. Still, Rebecca watches him with wide eyes and starts to smile. "And I can't believe that none of that's ever going to happen because once there was a time you married an idiot," says Dan. Judging from Rebecca's face, he is so in there. He tells her he has to go do his job, which he says he does considerably better than Steve Sisko, and I guess it's some sort of rule that the guy's full name has to be said every time he's mentioned. He goes into the elevator. Rebecca smiles, recovers, and, as she walks past the elevator, says, "Neighbourhood park all covered in cheese?"
Dan darts out of the elevator and says he knew she'd been watching the show. "Cheese, Danny?" she says. He says he was distracted. She teases him a bit about the slip-up. Then she asks if by any chance he was thinking about her at the moment of his "hideous cheese blunder." He objects to that term. She calls him Danny again. He points that out to her, and she asks if he likes that. He says he does, then admits he was distracted because of her. She asks if he'd like to get a drink after the show. He tells her he has a date tonight and heads back to the elevator, but quickly tells her it was a joke. She seems a little ticked at it and warns him that if he turns out to be a jackass, she'll do something bad to him with numbers. "If"? I'll take a piece of that action. She makes him swear that the hideous cheese mistake was because of her. He says it was, and she thanks him. He says "see you later" and gets in the elevator. They smile goofily at each other as the doors close.
The show's about to go live. In the control room, Dana notices Dan isn't there. Jeremy says that, despite his best advice, Dan is getting his heart broken by Rebecca, "who gave me quite a tongue-lashing, by the way." Natalie gets all, "Excuse me? She gave you what?" on him, which was kind of funny. Cut to Dan strolling happily down the hallway, singing "Zip A Dee Doo Dah" and messing up the lyrics as he arrives at the desk. Casey corrects him and says it sounds like things went well. Dan says, "Sometimes it's worth it, taking all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feeling good." Casey agrees. "And how was your day?" asks Dan. "Sometimes you just stand there, hip deep in pie," says Casey. Okay, let's get out of here before they milk this metaphor to death.