During the opening credits, we hear Jeremy and Natalie counting all the people who have heard a rumour, except they won't tell us what the rumour is. As the scene fades in, they are striding through the Sports Night corridors, and they both admit to being nervous, and they think they're justified because of the three people they've counted so far who heard the rumour -- that's including themselves. Elliot passes by, and Jeremy asks if he's heard the rumour, and Elliot says he has without even asking which rumour Jeremy might be talking about. This brings the total to four but, as Jeremy says, that's only counting the people they know have heard the rumour, whatever that means -- I don't think you'd be counting the ones who haven't heard the rumour, Jeremy. Oh, wait. I guess that's why it was supposed to be funny. "What exactly does the ratings expert do?" says Jeremy, who is pretty stupid sometimes for an ostensibly smart guy. Natalie says to Jeremy -- and, by extension, the already insulted audience -- that presumably he raises the ratings, and as they walk through the control room they get into this whole discussion about how their ratings are fine and that they consistently finish third, and at this point you'd think might dawn on these dingbats why a ratings consultant has been hired. But, as Jeremy says, "The only way we could possibly do better is if we came in first or second. It's not like we're those clowns in fourth." I'm going to go out on a limb and say the pecking order is ESPN, Fox, CSC, then, who? ESPN2? Yeah, right. ESPN2 would kick CSC's ass. ["Based on the World's Strongest Man reruns alone, dude." -- Sars] So, based on the fact that they consistently finish third, they deem it illogical that a ratings consultant would be hired. "And yet, four people have heard the rumour," says Jeremy, as they walk into another corridor. "You guys hear about the rumour?" says Dave. "Five people!" groans Jeremy, throwing his hands in the air. Dave is talking to a couple of extras, so I'm assuming they also have heard the rumour, yet Jeremy doesn't bother to include them in his Paranoia Tally, since the extras and Lesser Tertiary Characters are not considered people on this show.
Natalie and Jeremy stomp into Dana's office. Dana, fiddling with an earring, is wearing tight black leather pants and a black leather midriff-revealing vest that displays ample cleavage. Natalie looks a little startled. Jeremy says, sounding pleased, "Hello." Natalie says, "Dana, what are you wearing?" and Dana says, "Do you like it?" and Natalie says, "As a matter of fact, I do," and I wish we could have had a shot of Jeremy's reaction. Except he's too busy staring at Dana's breasts as she bends over to fiddle with her boots. Dana starts asking some football-related question. Natalie starts to answer and then says, "Excuse me, Dana," and she turns to Jeremy, who has been very quiet, and says, "Sweetie, Dana can tell when you're staring at her breasts," and Jeremy protests, all flustered, even though it's obvious he was, and it's even more obvious that's what they were out there for. He says, "Okay, my eyes actually went there but now I'm fine," and smoothes out his tie. He figures after the show she's going to an important business meeting. Natalie tells Jeremy that Dana's going to a bachelorette party, and asks Dana, "Why are you wearing those clothes?" Dana says she wants to look less like Judith Light from Who's the Boss. Actually, she explains that the party has a biker chick theme and that they're being escorted to the party on Harleys. I really hope Dana is prepared for the yells of "Show us your tits!" and other various biker catcalls as she indulges her little motorcycle fantasy, but hey. It's her life.
Anyway, this is all explained as Dana starts walking through to the control room and Joanie and Chachi follow. Eventually, they remember why they wanted to talk to her in the first place. Dana says the rumour isn't true. "Five people have heard the rumour," offers Jeremy. "Five people are wrong," says Dana. They enter the control room. People start in with the sports show lingo. "Oakland's up," says Dave, turning around for the first time ever. Dana has her back to him. "Thank you, Dave," she says, without turning around, "stop looking at my ass." Maybe there should be rumours flying around this place that they were going to bring in a professionalism consultant.
On the set, Casey is being lint-brushed by a fluffer and he says, "The point is, it can't be any old first date. The bar here is very high." At first, I thought he was talking to Dan, but Dan's not there. He's talking to the fluffers, who of course get no lines anyway and are not even allowed to roll their eyes at Casey's preening. Casey has the gall to say the bar is high not so much because it's his first date with her, but because it's her first date with him. "I'm known in some parts for my first date. In certain parts I have a rep." You know, I've heard lots of locker-room talk in my time and I have never ever heard a guy brag about what a good first date he is. Nor do I ever expect to. Dan comes up and says, "Listen to this..." but Casey wants Dan to tell the fluffers about his street cred. Dan laughs. "No, tell them about my rep!" Dan says, "You don't have a rep. You don't have street cred. Your last date was fourteen years ago and you ended up with a marriage and a divorce." The fluffers' eyes go from Dan to Casey, and they decide this would be a good time to leave and they silently scurry off with their lint brushes and pancake makeup and still no lines.
Casey finally lets Dan tell his story. "What's the best news I could have?" asks Dan. "You won a four-week vacation to someplace else?" Dan says, "The best news I could have for me." Casey says, "You got invited to Hillary Clinton's fund-raising breakfast." This is right -- that was a pretty amazing guess on Casey's part, I will admit. "Turns out it wasn't that hard!" says Dan. "You know what you have to do?" says Dan. "Write a cheque for a thousand dollars?" ventures Casey. Right again. "But not everyone was given that opportunity," says Dan. In mocking amazement, Casey says, "They asked you for a thousand dollars and you gave it to them. That's incredible, Danny." "I was picked, Casey. I was identified." "Yes, it's called being a mark," says Casey. Dan says he gladly gave his money to a good fight, and Casey says Isaac is having enough trouble with the network without Dan getting into a good fight. I'm not sure what that means. Dan then says it's not about politics. In what way a fund-raising breakfast during a Senate campaign is not about politics, I'd like to know. Casey points this out, but Dan starts talking about him and Hillary and a connection. Casey is confused until he figures out Dan has a crush on Hillary Clinton, and here we go with the sorriest Seinfeld-esque plot I have seen on this show. Let me just say Hillary Clinton is no Marisa Tomei. I really can't get into the insipid specifics here, but Dan says that it's not just a physical thing, it's a cerebral thing, and that he'd like to have an intelligent conversation with her. "She will say, 'My goodness. That Dan Rydell is such a bright young boy. So much more than sports scores and highlights. I think I'll make him my gentleman friend.'" I think Dan has thought about this way too much and that his need to be liked by women, all women, is now approaching pathological levels. "And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson," says Casey. I guess I shouldn't make too much fun of Dan's obsession with the First Lady. I myself once commented that Queen Noor of Jordan is "pretty hot." But she is.
Back in the control room, Jeremy is whining on some more about the rumours, which he calls undeniable. Dana says it is deniable and she's denying it. They do the count again, which is now nine people, meaning everyone on this show who ever gets any lines. Except Isaac, who now walks in. "What are you dressed as?" he asks Dana. "I'm going to a bachelorette party, it's a theme bachelorette party," says Dana, suddenly appearing uncomfortable as the idea finally hits her that this outfit might not be really appropriate for the office, except maybe on Carnal Fridays. "Ask her what the theme is," prompts Natalie. "I just assumed it was hookers," says Isaac, still my hero. "It's biker chicks," says Dana. "Just as good in my book," says Isaac, grinning. Everyone in the control room has a good laugh at Isaac's lechery. Dana asks him to tell the staff that the rumour's not true. "The rumour is true," he says. "There is a ratings expert come to work on the show. And he's coming tomorrow." Dana can't believe the network hired a ratings guy. "The network didn't hire him," says Isaac. "I did." Jeremy points at Isaac and says, "Dana, this might not be the right time, but that's ten." Dana glares at Isaac and everybody averts their eyes, and we go to commercial as I wonder what part of Jeremy's brain is malfunctioning so that his mouth isn't connected to his brain.
The morning, Natalie wants to know what Casey knows about the ratings guy, which is -- surprise -- nothing. Isaac is in meetings and will talk to them later. Casey says, "My question is, 'Where's Dana?'" but before we're forced to listen to Casey whine, Dan arrives. You can tell he arrives because it's not enough for him just to show up, he has to announce, "I'm back!" Casey asks, "Connection?" and Dan says, "Connection made, my young friend." Natalie realizes how lame this is going to be and leaves. Dan smirks and says it's just as well, since parts of this discussion will not be suitable for mixed company, and I guess to Dan, "mixed company" means "people who are easily bored." Before she leaves, Natalie has the pleasure of telling Casey that Dana was up all night and that she'll be an hour late. What a fine example she sets, dressed up in tight leather and late for work the day because she was out all night at a bachelorette party. The ratings expert sure will have to look hard to find anything at all to improve in this tightly-run operation. I can't imagine skipping work because you're hungover. In fact, I was always taught it's even more important to come in when you're hungover. Of course, I work in a profession where alcoholism runs rampant and what's annoying to me at work is that the running gag is what a lush I am, even though my drinking has dropped off considerably since university. It's really my fault, since one time I left work early. (I left at 11 a.m., but keep in mind I start work at 6 a.m., so 11 a.m. is well into my afternoon.) And, AS A JOKE, I said (being new to the city), "What time do the bars open in this place?" and I was told, "Eleven," so I said "woo-hoo!" and walked out. And ever since then, alcoholic jokes get made at my expense. And I can certainly take a joke, but I secretly worry that the tone is, "We're joking but not really," and I'm desperately afraid to call in sick because I just know someone will say, "Oh, you're sick, Danny," meanwhile making the drinky-drinky gesture to the rest of the newsroom. ["Well, that's pretty much exactly what happened at Mighty Big TV headquarters when you claimed to have a cold last spring, so I'd keep working through those bouts of 'Molson flu' if I were you." -- Sars]
Anyway, Dan says, "She was skanking around town all leathered up?" Natalie says, "Guess so," which I suppose is emblematic of the respect Dana has earned. Casey gets pretty upset and says, "Hey, you're talking about the woman whose first date with me I'm planning!" Dan and Natalie look nonplussed. Casey says, "That was some pretty interesting grammar," but I think, Casey, the problem here is not with your "interesting grammar" but with the overall pussiness of that statement, and I keep looking outside because the weather is so nice right now and I'm indoors recapping this idiocy. So outwardly I blame Sars, but I know I've been slacking off on the classics this summer, and all I can think about is how once I've finished Season 2, I still have all of Season 1 to get through and this dialogue's not motivating me at all, and at this rate I won't be done before Christmas. ["Shake it off, man. It's not like your boss is months behind on her Sopranos 'caps or anyth -- oh, wait." -- Sars] Back to Dan's story, the best breakfast of his life, and he describes how they shook hands and brags about how Hillary called him "Dan," which I guess is pretty impressive, what with it being his name and on a nametag and everything. "She said, 'Dan, I'm not much of a sports fan, but when I watch your show, you've made me laugh.'" Dan is on cloud nine. Casey says, "You've made quite a few of us laugh," and walks away because he's in a crabby mood about Dana.
They walk into their office. Dan, whose cornflakes are now too saturated with piss for him to be happy, tells Casey that Hillary said something nice about him too, but now he won't tell Casey what she said. Considering the mood Casey's in, I somehow doubt that's an effective threat. He's still worried about the first date. "Carriage ride: in or out?" and I say "out" as in "out of the closet, already," but Dan won't help him with this. Casey tells Dan to finish the story, which is really only a conversation Dan had with Hillary Clinton. "Someone had clearly briefed her on my stuff with the public schools and I told her about my opposition to secular programs that are publicly financed...I really spoke up and she seemed to listen." "You mean non-secular," says Casey. "What do you mean?" asks Dan. "You don't oppose secular programs that are publicly financed, you oppose non-secular programs that are publicly financed." Dan isn't sure. Casey explains that "non-secular" means "bound to religious guidelines" and "secular" means "free from religion." Dan says he's sure he got it right at breakfast. "Well, fifty-fifty chance," says Casey, doing wonders for Dan's confidence. Dan says he's going to change clothes, and then drops his clothes when he realizes he did in fact mix up secular and non-secular at breakfast. He freaks out. "Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!" he says, burying his head in his hands. Casey remains calm. "Either that or a religious bigot," he says, rather dryly, making me laugh. "I went to an Ivy League school, Casey," says Dan, elitism rearing its ugly head. "Clearly, I have to get in touch with her," says Dan. Casey agrees, instead of smacking him and telling him to forget it, which I guarantee Hillary has done. "I'll call her hotel," says Dan. "Oh, they'll put you right through," says Casey.
Dan takes his clothes to go change and almost bumps into Dana, looking fresh after her night of skankery. She's absolutely giddy. Casey just about starts in with the date plans. "I've had an epiphany!" she squeals. From the look on her face, I'd guess she's had multiple epiphanies recently. She takes Casey by the hand and says, "Walk with me," and they could clearly do this scene in Dan and Casey's office, but I guess they haven't met the Walking While Talking Scene Quota for this episode. "I was up all night," says Dana. "I heard. Good bachelorette party?" "Great, but that's not where I was all night." "Where were you all night?" asks Casey. "Having an epiphany," she says, as they enter her office and close the door. "Was there a stripper?" asks Casey. "Yes," says Dana. "Did he have a better body than me?" asks Casey, just looking for trouble. "Of course he had a better body than you, Casey, he was a professional male stripper." I start laughing. "You know, let me tell you something," says Casey. "When we're asked, men know how to answer that question." Casey's got a point, but it was still pretty funny. Dana asks if he wants to hear about her epiphany. Casey reluctantly agrees, but first tries to run his date plan by her. "I pick you up Saturday at 8, drinks at Moomba ["Moomba"? Sars? Anyone?] ["it's a no-longer-that-hot celebrity hotspot in Manhattan, former locus of many Leo sightings -- Casey'd never get in" -- Sars], dinner at Cafe des Artistes ["oh, barf" -- Sars is leaving the sentence now, really], and then, wait for it, carriage ride through the park with a bottle of champagne." Sounds like a lot of effort to me, but I'm pretty easy. "I can top that!" says Dana. "Instead of doing all that, for our first date Saturday night, we postpone our first date for six months while you see other women!" Casey, understandably, looks a little taken aback. "I'm sorry?" he says. Dana says that was her epiphany. "What's happened?" asks Casey, in a tone used for dealing with the mentally unbalanced. It's appropriate. Dana explains that, at the party last night, someone told her that the marriage wouldn't last because the groom was the only guy the bride had dated as an adult, and either she was going to meet someone better or she would always wonder if she was going to meet someone better. "Casey, you started dating Lisa when you were eighteen, you married her when you were twenty-three..." "I remember all that," he says. "I think you know how I feel about you," she says, and he says, "I think I do..." She blah blahs about how she wants them to have the best chance at a serious relationship. Casey is befuddled. We go to commercials.
When we come back, Dana leaves her office, and Casey follows her and says she is "about five different kinds of crazy," and he has shifted gears from confused befuddlement to desperate indignation. Dana says she doesn't want to discuss it now because she has to talk to Isaac. Casey wants to know what happens if he refuses to go along with her plan, and Dana says, "Then you do not get the wonder that is me," like BIG LOSS, and Casey says he's not sure he wants the wonder that is her. She says that's up to him and they say Fine! Fine! Good! Good! et cetera a whole bunch of times. "I'm going to kill you right now!" says an exasperated Casey, and I don't know why Sports Night has not chosen before to tap into the comedic gold mine that is violence in the workplace. I guess it's for a good cause, though, because it sets up Dana saying, "Problem is, that's not the only thing you want to do with me right now, is it?" with an annoying smirk on her face. She says she has to go talk to Isaac. Dan strolls up wanting to know what's going on. Dana says Casey's mad because she had an epiphany and he didn't, pirouettes on her heel, and leaves. Dan looks confused and concerned. Casey says, "This isn't happening." Or…IS IT?!
For the first time ever, Dana knocks on Isaac's door (which is open anyway). He tells her to come in. "How was the hooker party?" he asks, cracking me up. "Biker party," she corrects him, then asks how his therapy's going, but you can tell she really doesn't care because she closes the door, folds her arms, and says in her best non-nonsense voice, "Who's the ratings guy?" He tells her it's Sam Donovan. "Is he good?" she asks. "No, I decided to hire a moron," he says, which is such an easy set-up line, it's beneath even me. Isaac says he's the best in the business. Dana wants to know who she answers to, Sam or Isaac. Isaac hems and haws (translation: she answers to Sam). Isaac says he wants Dana to work with Sam and make it work. Dana says Isaac didn't have to do this; the ratings were going up. "Not fast enough," says Isaac. "Fast enough for you, fast enough for us," says Dana. Not fast enough for the network, apparently. Dana starts to say something about the sight of Isaac fearing for his job, but he cuts her off and repeats that he wants her to work with Sam.
Outside the office, Natalie and Casey are discussing the dating plan. Natalie wants to know if there's a set number of women, because if there is he should just get them out of the way, "bing bam boom." Casey says, "Bing, bam, boom." Natalie says, "That was me getting women out of the way really fast." Casey asks if Natalie doesn't think this plan is insane. Natalie says she thinks it is, but Dana didn't run it by her so this is what happens. Casey says that in fact this is the kind of thing that ordinarily happens when Dana does run stuff by her, so he's surprised to hear Natalie's not involved. "Turning on me isn't going to solve anything," says Natalie. Dana comes out of Isaac's office. She fills in Natalie and Casey on what Isaac told her. Casey wants to know why all of a sudden Isaac's doing this. "What do you think?" asks Dana. She asks Natalie to call a meeting ten minutes before airtime. Natalie complains that Dana didn't run the dating plan by her. Dana says she's going with her instincts on this one. "It shows," says Natalie, and peels off.
Casey starts whining about the plan again and says he's dated women before. Dana scoffs. Casey brings up a double date with her and Gordon, but Dana points out that Casey wound up sitting with her at the bar watching Sports Night. Up , Sally Sasser. "We slept together almost every night for three months," which ordinarily is not a good thing to brag about to a woman you'd like to go out with. "Thanks for reminding me," says Dana, suddenly pissy at the thought of Casey with other women. "That wasn't dating," she adds. "That was two lonely and pathetic people slinking off after a crappy 2 a.m. show, getting drunk, and using each other for sex." This brings Casey to a halt. "That's not dating?" he says, honestly confused, in one of the funniest lines ever delivered on this show. Casey asks if he could still do that for a little while to satisfy the dating plan, but Dana says no. By now they're in an editing room. Dana says she's finished with dating and wants her thing to be serious. Casey points out that in her last thing, she was engaged. She says Casey will have to trust her, and he starts spouting off about their "magical" first kiss, and she concedes that it was magical. "You better not deny it was magical, because I took you off your feet, woman. I rocked you back," says Casey. Casey's Neanderthal streak is really appealing. He goes over his first-date plan again. "Carriage rides are out, by the way," says Dana. They start walking again, and things only get worse as Casey starts recreating the scene at her biker party in which this "drunken, bitter, lesbian woman" natters at her and Dana gets upset that he went to "lesbian" right away -- "Tell me you're not a homophobe." -- and I agree that's bad, but I did laugh, but it was mostly at the redundancy of "lesbian woman." Dana decides to end the conversation because she has to go, and reiterates that she only wants to give them the best possible chance. She asks if Casey will be all right. "Actually, I'm frightened of my own life but I'll talk to you later," he says, and buzzes off.
Later, Danny is still stewing over the Clinton thing. He and Casey are in their office, dressed for air. Dan keeps shaking his head and snorting. Apparently, Hillary never returned his calls, which Casey says is pretty surprising. Dan starts going on about how he'll have to live with this for the rest of his life, and since I'm tired of this, I shall stop recapping this now and pretend this sorry excuse for a plot never happened. At least when George had a crush on Marisa Tomei, she actually made a guest appearance on the program. Let me go back to the beginning of this scene and rewrite it so that it's much more enjoyable: Dan and Casey sit in their office. They say nothing.
Then Natalie shows up to hustle them to the meeting. They get up to go. Casey asks Dan's advice on the dating plan thing, like there's a good idea. Dan figures Casey should do what Dana suggests, since she was probably feeling a little weird at the party, and that she'll smarten up. Dan gets right to the main question: "Does the plan include you're supposed to have sex?" Casey doesn't know, but he assumes it's an option.
In the board room, the whole cast is waiting for the ratings guy. "I wanted us to say hello to Sam Donovan before the show started," says Dana. "I'm sorry?" says Casey. Dana repeats himself. Casey says, "I thought you said, 'I was thinking about my dating plan and realized I was mental.'" Real appropriate time and place, Casey. Dana casts an embarrassed glance around the room and says, "No."
Danny starts in about how he has experience with these guys, and how the crew is all overly anxious: "These guys tend to be obnoxious but I've found them mostly obsequious and starved for acceptance." Other than obsequious, it's not a bad description of Dan himself. No one says anything. Dan says, "Boned and de-boned mean the same thing." That's true, although "boned" carries a much more entertaining definition. Casey says that Dan's right (about the ratings guy, not the boned/de-boned thing). Casey adds that they should make the guy feel welcome, but make it clear that it's their show and they don't want the network to get involved in creative or editorial decisions. Dan says they can't, because Isaac wants them to work with Sam, so they're going to work with Sam. It's just for a few weeks. Everybody's quiet. We get a strange shot of Kim drinking from a blue glass bottle, but it was nothing like Madonna and the Evian bottle in Truth or Dare, much to my chagrin. They wait. Finally Dana says, "We're starting to press the clock. Dave, you and the rest of the Tertiary Characters go do stuff." The TCs leave. Everyone else waits some more. Casey tries to clarify the Dating Plan. Dana cuts him off.
After some more waiting, Dana eventually says, "The hell with it," and they get up to do their show, which is of course the cue for a rather disheveled William H. Macy to show up. Introductions are made. "Good to meet you," says Sam. "If someone could just point me toward my office..." Dana apologizes and says he doesn't have one yet and starts to say something about the office manager. Sam, looking pissed, puts his bag down and cuts her off by saying, "That'll be taken care of by the morning?" Dana, a little surprised, says it will. "Who's the segment producer tonight?" says Sam. "I am," says Jeremy. "What's your top story, Oakland or Ted Marchabroda?" "Ted Marchabroda," says Jeremy. Sam tells him to change it to Oakland and move Marchabroda to the ten block. Sam starts flipping through the rundown. "Sam, what are you doing?" asks a slightly indignant Dana. Sam, barely paying attention, says, "It's going to be helpful if you get used to not asking that question." Hee hee! I sense some ass-kicking coming on! Dana bristles and says, "You can't just come in here and start dictating policy. Now, we're willing to work with you as long as you understand this is our show and we feel we do it well. You should also bear in mind that Dana doesn't stand alone here, and unless you want your first action as a consultant to cause a full staff walkout, including the on-air talent and producers, I'd downshift a little." Sam's expression hasn't changed. The he utters a line a plan to repeat many, many times: "You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite." Woo! It gets better: "I was lying on a beach in Bali. I got a phone call, I go on a plane for fourteen hours. I was hired to raise this show's audience share three points. Just between you and me, I'm going to raise it three and a half. I'm not lacking in confidence as far as that's concerned, and because of that I can say this: I honestly don't give a damn if any of you work here or not." The ominous blues guitar swells as the crew stands there stunned. Sam checks his watch. "Who's the coordinating producer tonight?" "I am," says Natalie. "Well, I've got 10:55. You wanna call places?" says Sam. Natalie looks at Dana, who's staring at Sam. "Places," says Dana. "First team." Dan and Casey, despite having their dicks handed to them, are still standing there trying to look tough. Dana tells them it's okay, and they swagger off pretending that Sam is just lucky Dana's holding them back. Dana looks at Sam, now sitting and scribbling on the rundown. "I'm not going to like you very much, am I?" she asks. Television translation: "By the end of the season, I am going to want to do you SO BAD." Sam says, "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dana. Everybody likes me." He's got my vote.
The show ends with a shot of Sam staring intently at Casey and Dan as they do the show. Just when the dating plan threatens to suck the life out of the show, William H. Macy arrives, rumpled and grumpy, to save it.