All right. Before starting these "classic" recaps or whatever MBTV calls them, I wondered what to do about the fact that I know how some of the ongoing plots are going to turn out. I figured maybe I should do my best to pretend I don't know what's going to happen with Dana's Dating Plan, for instance, but then I decided that really wasn't going to be all that feasible and I know I'd probably slip up at some point. What I was REALLY worried about was getting e-mail from some hardcore fan saying, "Um, excuse me Mr. Recapper, in your latest so-called 'classic' recap, you refer to Casey as Rectangle Head, only Dana didn't point out his head's similarity to a rectangle until six episodes from this one. Kindly be more careful in the future." So if anyone gets the urge to point that kind of stuff out, SAVE IT.
, I want to give a big shout-out to zapatos for providing me with a tape of the beginning of Season 2.
Since this is the first recap I've done since Rocket Richard passed away, I wanted to dedicate this recap to him and also to my dad, since Richard was one of my dad's childhood heroes. It's impossible to overstate just how important Richard was to Quebec in particular and Canada in general as one of the greatest hockey players the game has ever known.
This episode begins with a montage of clips set to a vaguely bittersweet Las-esque song and little subtitles let us know that time is passing: Day 23, Day 40, Day 71, etc. Throughout these clips Rectangle Head's obsession with Dana is revealed, and since I guess last season it was established that he actually is in love with her, I suppose it's okay, but if you didn't know that, you might think this guy was stalking her. He keeps sneaking glances at her while she goes about her daily business. He also writes stuff. A journal, haiku, I don't know. On Day 71, he walks into her office and puts a card and a yellow rose on her desk. Moments later, he returns to take the card back and, as an afterthought, the rose as well. On Day 79, the two of them are in an elevator and going over the rundown. God knows why they would do this in an elevator. Casey interrupts Dana to start to ask her out, I think, because he starts in with that "I was just wondering if --" faux-nonchalant thing guys do when they've been obsessing about women for, oh, eleven weeks and counting. But he's interrupted because the elevator dings and a bunch of people crush on, so I guess this is why they're contrivedly doing the rundown in an elevator. This is supposed to be funny or poignant, I can't tell which. I rolled my eyes, though. I don't know if eye-rolling is considered an emotion. Day 86, at Anthony's, Dana is guzzling her ever-present martini and Casey is staring at her from across the bar and I guess he's going to make a move now because we get a weird making-his-move-now close-up of Casey as he sets his drink down and as he looks up again, some guy is talking to Dana. Casey shrugs and picks up his drink again.
scene, Casey is watching Dana via his makeup mirror. There's a hand on his shoulder and it's my man Dan, who says, "It's been ninety days," yet strangely we didn't get a "Day 90" subtitle on the screen. Casey says he knows. "There's a statute of limitations," says Dan. "So you say," says Casey. ". . . and it's been ninety days." Casey doesn't want to talk about it and Dan says some stuff to the effect that "the time is right" and "I don't want you to be scared" or some such as they sit at their on-air desk. In the control room, Dana blows in and says she's shuffling the ten block and we get the requisite sports channel jargon for a while. Will gets a line. Or was it Chris? It's been a while since I've done a recap and I'm forgetting the Tertiary Character's names. Dana looks at a monitor and asks where the network feed is. Chris says, "We're on lumber sports," which means something to Dana, but I don't know what. Dana walks over to the desk and tells Dan and Casey that "Dinardio's confirmed" so they're going to lead with it. Casey wants to lead with the Jets. "Why?" asks Dana. "'Cause it's a better story," says Casey. "Really good point, Casey, and thanks for the tap on the shoulder," says Dana, whatever that means, as she winks at him and I'm not sure why she's winking at him either. "Now lead with Dinardio. And fix your tie!" she calls over her shoulder as she walks back into the control room. Jeremy comes in to tell Dana he has a new top story. Jeremy's new top story is a Chinese swimmer swimming the Taiwan Strait and he blah blahs about the politics of it as Dana just stares at him. When she doesn't say anything, he says, "Aren't you going to give it to Dan and Casey?" "Not this second," she says, and continues on with her business.
Back at the desk, Natalie shows up and tells them "Nieuwendyk" has eleven strikeouts in the fourth inning, which is quite a feat, I think, because the only Nieuwendyk in sports I can think of is a fine centre for the Dallas Stars who won the Conn Smythe trophy when the Stars won the Stanley Cup in 1999. Dan and Casey send her to find Dana but when she does, Dana isn't interested even though Natalie says he's on pace to break the record. Dana says when he breaks the record, they'll break the story. Jeremy's still pushing for his stupid swimmer story and I buy Jeremy being interested in this story, but why he honestly thinks it should be the lead on a New York-based sports show is beyond me. Dana basically has to tell both Jeremy and Natalie to shut up. Natalie seems a little pissed at Jeremy and calls him "Chun King." Dana calls Dan on the microphone. He says, "Got it, we're changing the lead to Nieuwendyk." Dana says they're not, the lead is staying as it is. Casey says, "Keep it at the Jets?" like what is wrong with all these subordinates here? She's the boss. The boss is starting to seem a little steamed. Thirty seconds live. At the desk, the last-minute hair-check women are attending to Dan and Casey. Or maybe the women are fluffers. Dan and Casey are practising their intro. Fluffer Allison tells them they're all set, and Casey starts bragging about how they're going without a script for eighteen seconds. Wow. Who says there are no heroes anymore? Dana says, "You guys know what you're doing?" They both say yes. They go live, and both of them say the intro simultaneously and then practically start giggling as Dana buries her head in her hands. Eventually they outro to commercial. Dana lifts her head and asks, "Is it over yet?" And both anchorknobs say, "All right, that was totally his fault!" Yep, at the same time. Dana buries her head again. Commercials.
Back from commercials, Dan is leading into the Dinardio story and throws to a correspondent. In the control room, Dana is on the phone apologizing to Isaac for the intro and saying it was because she shuffled the lineup too late. Then she says, "Who's this?" Jeremy leans over and says, "They changed the inter-office system." Dana ignores/doesn't hear him and says, "The control room, who's this? Oh. Sorry anyway," and hangs up. "Jeremy, did they change the inter-office system?" she says, and he says yes and starts to explain, but she is pretty much already out the door, and Jeremy has other problems anyway as Natalie interrupts him and says, with hostility, "Was she talking to you?" How irritating is Natalie? "I'm pretty sure she was, yes," says Jeremy.
Thank God Dana left because at the desk, the boys are discussing Casey's obsession, mikes and all. Dan says Casey has to take the risk, but Casey says risks aren't his strong suit. "I can't become this thing that I'm not," says Casey. What's that -- a guy who asks out a girl? I guess he means a guy Dana would date, because Dan says, "She thinks you are, I think you are." Or maybe this is a reference to something in a episode I haven't seen yet.
Dana walks into Isaac's office, and he tells her Nieuwendyk has fourteen strikeouts, but she's there because she wants to apologize for screwing up the opening, except Isaac doesn't know anything about it. "Didn't you see it?" asks Dana. "No," says Isaac. "We're not on the air yet." And now Dana doesn't know what Isaac is talking about. He explains that they're on at 11:10 tonight. Dana begins a slow burn: "Since when?" Isaac tells her, "We're pushed ten minutes for lumber sports." As if the lumber sports segment they're showing is live and not taped and prepackaged to finish well within the hour, so they wouldn't have to delay their most important show by TEN MINUTES, but whatever, contrived plot department. Dana wants to know why no one told her, and Isaac wonders if it's possible he forgot to tell her. He doesn't seem overly concerned about it, though. No worries, because Dana's pissed enough for the both of them. Isaac says they should have known by the network feed, but Dana says they turned it off because Will's afraid of lumber sports. "What the hell . . ." begins Isaac, which is exactly my reaction. Dana says it's the axes and saws, Will's afraid they'll cut themselves. Who knew Will was such a sissy? Oh, wait, we all did. So Isaac apologizes for forgetting to tell her, but that's of course not good enough for Dana as she proceeds to give Isaac shit even after he changes the subject. She bitches about having to go start the show and says, "This is the craziest thing I've ever experienced in my life." Uh, what? Isaac calls her on that. "Well, then, you've got to live more, Dana, because there's some crazy-ass stuff out there," and I haven't quite recovered yet from Isaac's use of the word "crazy-ass." Dana, still not through being bitchy, says, "I have to go now. 11:10?" "Yes," says Isaac. "You didn't turn off the clocks in there, did you? Will's not afraid of clocks," like SWISH, Isaac! Dana says, "You look good today and your speech is getting better," in a pissed-off reference to Isaac's stroke recovery. She leaves.
Back at the desk, Casey and Danny are trying to figure out how they messed up and are taking steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Oh! Whoops! Ha ha! They're not doing that at all! My bad! They should be doing that, but instead, Danny's trying to convince Casey to style Dana. Casey says if she says no, he'll "feel sad and ashamed and I already did that for eleven years" so I guess in Casey's world, getting turned down for a date feels exactly the same as a failed, loveless marriage. They go back live just as Dana comes back, and she stomps through the control room and onto the set, freaking everybody out. "Hello," she says. "My name is Dana Whitaker, I'm the executive producer of Sports Night and I'm interrupting this broadcast to tell you Casey took gymnastics after school for seven years. How's he looking to you now, girls?" which was pretty funny. Dan and Casey try to remain calm and Dana reveals they're not on the air. Natalie comes storming in and wants to know why they didn't get word. Dana says they did and as everyone starts to spaz, Dan is the only one who figures out what happened and says, "Don't worry about it." Dana directs the control room crew to get ready again and tells Dan and Casey she wants to see them. They scoot off to an editing room.
"It was like he didn't even care," says Dana. "Isaac?" says Casey, once again displaying his remarkable powers of deduction. Dan says it would be great if they'd all stop worrying about Isaac. Dana says it would be great if he stopped giving them cause to worry and asks them to keep an eye out. Dan leaves, Dana and Casey look sad for a bit, then Dana starts to leave. Casey stops her because it's difficult to ignore the nagging of his penis, even when their boss and good friend almost caused a severe on-air blunder. Anyway, Casey tries to say something, but can't, so he sits there with his mouth open for about five hours, then gets up and they do this awkward who's-opening-the-door dance.
Dan is waiting at the snack table as Dana strides by and he starts walking with Casey. "Right there, you know what that was? Another missed opportunity." Casey seems a little crabby, and I agree that the missed opportunity can irritate a person. A few years ago when I had just started as a reporter at a small daily newspaper in Alberta, my editor sent me to write a story about this osteoporosis bus that was funded by the government and was travelling from city to city testing seniors and educating them about osteoporosis. So I show up and the girl who's running the bus is my age and really cute and seemed to be flirting with me a little bit, so I decide I'm going to ask her out, even though she was only going to be in town a couple more days. I was new to town and didn't really know anybody, and unlike Casey, I don't really have much of a problem just asking a girl out. Even so, I like to have some sort of "in" and when the paper was printed I took a copy the day back to the bus, because, you know, I'm just such a helpful guy that I thought she'd like a copy of the paper with the story about the bus. To anyone reading this, if a reporter for some reason does a story about you and then takes the time to bring you a copy of the paper the day, even though you could easily pick up your own copy at the store, it's because he or she LIKES YOU. So this girl (and I can't remember her name anymore) is really excited to see me and I explain that I thought she might like a copy of the paper and she says I'm really thoughtful and I start to go into my "aw shucks" bashful routine, which normally I do pretty well, but for whatever reason, I froze up. Maybe it was because there were about two dozen seniors on and around the bus, and there was old-person smell, and people kept yelling at this girl questions about stuff and kept calling her "dear" and "dearie," but whatever it was, I choked. And she takes the paper and sees the picture I took and says, "What a good photographer you are!" and touches my arm, and forget about it, that arm-touch sent me right over into stammering idiot territory even though I know that when I get the arm-touch, I'm totally in there. So I mumble something and get off the bus and she was probably trying to figure out what the hell my problem was. So if you're out there, Osteoporosis Bus Girl, I hope your life is blissful and that you sometimes think about that reporter in Alberta and wonder what might have been. Commercials.
Back from commercials, Dan wants to know what they're doing about Nieuwendyk. Dana says he's got eighteen strikeouts after seven innings; if he gets to nineteen, they'll break in with it. Jeremy asks Natalie, "Got a second?" and she says she doesn't, and he points out that there's ninety seconds until the show goes back live, like I guess Jeremy thinks Natalie couldn't possibly have anything more pressing to do then talk to him during a commercial break. Anyway, she gets the hint that it's something important (to Jeremy, anyway) and says, "Outside." They go into the meeting room. Jeremy starts with the patheticness of thanking her for seeing him. Natalie, all business, says, "What do you want?" Jeremy launches into this speech about acknowledging that not everyone in the world sees things the same way and there are various shades of grey until finally she interrupts him and says, "What are you trying to say?" and he says, "I'm trying to say I'm right and you're wrong," which I argue is the underlying message of ninety percent of Jeremy's speech anyway. "What's more, you know I'm right and you're wrong!" he adds, and even points at her for emphasis. Point point! "No, you mean you're right and I'm cute," says Natalie, and since I didn't see the episode wherein this little tiff originated, I wish they'd explain it, but not necessarily in the contrived-explanation dialogue in which people say rehash to each other what the other person already knows but the audience doesn't, which is what they do right here. "Natalie, they wanted you to be a damn weathergirl," like I think they're called meteorologists now, and I couldn't help but chuckle at his disdain for the weathergirl since I know he's eventually going to fall for a porn star. "They wanted me for local sports and human interest," she corrects. Yeah, everyone loves human interest stories, like the Guy With Big Hubcap Collection story and other fine pieces that really help reinforce the importance of a free press in a democratic society. Jeremy wants to know why they're still fighting if she turned down the job. "'They want you because you're cute'?" says Natalie, which is I guess what Jeremy said to her. "They wanted you because they're idiots," says Jeremy, which isn't the suavest thing a guy has ever said while fighting with his girlfriend. Natalie makes a face like, "Oh no you didn't!" and says "thank you" and tries to leave but Jeremy says he means they were going to waste her skills and talents. Natalie says she understands that, but was mad because Jeremy was upset she got the offer at all, which he denies. "I don't know what's so wrong about being bummed because you might move to Galveston, Texas," he says. "Nothing," says Natalie, "except that's not what you were bummed about," and walks out, leaving Jeremy looking perplexed and me thinking to myself, "Whatever."
Back at the desk, the boys are about to break in live because Nieuwendyk has struck out his nineteenth batter, one short of tying the major league record. Casey throws to Dan, who can barely contain his glee that they have to cut the soccer highlights, and he reads out the scores, which are all 1-0, except for the last game which is 2-1, and Dan calls that one an "offensive slugfest," like denigrate the world's most popular sport a bit more, why don't you, Dan. "A modest proposal: make the nets bigger." This appears to give Casey pause. They go live to the baseball game. "Make the nets bigger?" "You got a better idea?" says Dan. "A smaller net and no goalie." Dan likes that idea. They walk and talk and Casey explains that he's not like Dan, because Dan can walk up to women -- "You're that guy" -- and he has a smoothness that works for him, and that's why Casey is not like Dan. "I thought you meant 'cause you were allergic to beets," says Dan, which I thought was pretty funny. Dan peels off and Casey makes his way on alone.
In Isaac's office, Isaac is watching the baseball game when Dan knocks on the door, comes in and sits down. "'Make the nets bigger'?" says Isaac, giggling. "Either that or a lot smaller and get rid of the goalie," says Dan, totally stealing Casey's idea. Isaac points out the network has a three-year contract with Major League Soccer. Oh, that's right. I forgot that what a journalist says should be influenced by how much money a particular advertiser spends at that journalist's network. Thanks for reminding us, Isaac. Dan deflects this by saying he's only trying to help them out. Smiling, Isaac says he's sure two billion fans will appreciate it. Oh, yeah, Major League Soccer has TWO BILLION fans. Maybe soccer in general, but no way MLS gets those numbers. And let's draw a Venn diagram with MLS fans in one circle and people who watch CSC in the other (an even more feeble sum) and there will be NO people in the overlapping portion, so Dan's advice is falling on deaf ears anyway. Dan looks away and then starts in with his patented "all right, cut the bullshit and level with me" shtick. "So what happened?" he says. Isaac says he forgot, shrugging his shoulders. "Isaac, you can't work full-time," says Dan. Thank God Dan knows everything. "I have to," says Isaac. Dan wants to know why. "Because they pay me to," says Isaac. Dan, with his arms crossed trying to look stern and serious (cracking me up), says, "Isaac, you had a stroke," in case Isaac forgot, I guess. Isaac shrugs it off but Dan says, "I'm not kidding around here." You can always tell someone is serious if they add a "here" to their forceful statements. Isaac gets up and Dan wants to know where he's going. Isaac says he's going to get himself a drink. "Are you allowed to drink?" asks Dan and Isaac says, "Danny, I'm sixty-three years old, I have a driver's license and everything," and Dan maybe should allow Isaac to have a drink if for no other reason that it might prevent Isaac from smacking his cane across Dan's buttinsky face. "I meant in your condition," says Dan, as Isaac hobbles away. "I know what you meant," says Isaac. Dan asks if this is about the network. "You're trying to do more than you can do and I want to know if this is about Luther and J.J. and feeling heat from CSC. They see you're weak, and they're coming after the show, is that what's happening?" Isaac denies anything like that. "Give me names, Isaac. After your funeral and memorial service, I wanna know who I go see," and the thought of a vigilante Dan all Chuck Norris hunting down those guys forced me to take a break for a few hours until the laughter subsided. They bicker a bit; Dan backs off a bit but wants Isaac to admit things are harder now, which Isaac has no problem doing. Dan says he should ask people to do things for him. "Like what?" says Isaac. "Like get you a drink," says Danny. "Why?" says Isaac. "Because you've been walking over to that bar for like half an hour now, man," laughing a little. Aw! A tacked-on "man" signifying camaraderie! Everything's okay! Dan wants to know why, if the recovery period for a stroke is twelve months, Isaac is back at work after five. "Because I am," says Zen Master Isaac. Then they move to sit down and Isaac tells Dan that on his (Danny's) best day, he makes about ten mistakes. "And if you don't believe me, let's take a look at the file tape of tonight's teaser." Dan accepts responsibility for the screw-up. Isaac says, "I made a mistake just like the ones I used to make." He goes on to say that there was a time Dan and Casey would come in to his office and beat the hell out of him for his mistakes until he was crying from laughing so hard. "I'm not your damn grandfather, don't treat me that way. When I screw up I don't want you coming in here for the talk. I want to hear some chatter out there." Dan says okay. They hit fists. On the TV, we hear the announcer saying something about seeing some activity in the bullpen, meaning Nieuwendyk is blowing it.
In the control room, Jeremy is watching the game and he says, "This doesn't look good." And Natalie, the only other person in the control room, says, "Were you talking to me?" Jeremy looks around and all Travis Bickle says, "There's no one else in the room." Jeremy shuts off the sound feed from the game so he and Natalie can bicker in peace. "Do you think I was upset because you got offered the job and I didn't?" Natalie says she does. Jeremy denies this, but Natalie says she saw an ugly side to him. She's seen his ass. What's the problem? "We both want to be on camera and this isn't the last time this is going to happen, so what do we do?" says Natalie. Jeremy suggests listening to what the other person is saying instead of trying to interpret, but Natalie scoffs and says, "Men harbour this illusion that they can cover up their, you know, with this other thing, but women know." If you're going to spout nonsensical Cosmo-esque theories on how men think, at least know your material, Natalie. Jeremy pounces all over that and says, "No they don't! You know why not? 'Cause women don't have special powers. Let's dispense with that theory right now!" like AMEN, Brother Jeremy! "You were being offered a job in Galveston. That meant I was going to have to go to Galveston" and get a job and blah blah and all about how his life was going to take an abrupt turn from living in New York working at his dream job and going out with the most beautiful woman on the planet (Laetitia Casta? Oh. He means Natalie). Of course, Natalie perks up when he refers to her since she's so self-centred, and the real reason she's pissed at Jeremy is because he dared to think about his own dreams instead of focusing completely on what she wants. But it's a nice speech by Jeremy, as he says would have moved to Galveston with "the heat and the cattle and the malaria" because that's how much he loves her, "but you can't expect me to be wild about the idea!" Natalie says, "You are so cute!" See, Natalie is like the cat in that old Far Side cartoon that can only hear her own name and anything else anyone says just comes across as "blah blah blah blah blah." Jeremy says they need to be serious, but of course since Natalie's no longer mad; the issue's settled as far as she's concerned. Jeremy concedes she wasn't totally wrong, and she says she knows. "I didn't behave like a man," says Jeremy. "You're apologizing like one," says Natalie. Just take a pound of flesh and be done with it, damn! She says, "You're so cute it freaks me out." Yeah, you two are starting to freak me out too. Jeremy deems the fight officially over. Natalie deems that she's coming to bed tonight in Jeremy's tuxedo shirt, high heels and nothing else. Jeremy has high heels? Jeremy says he likes that idea. "Tell ME women don't have special powers," crows Natalie. Yeah, it takes a razor-sharp woman's intuition to predict a guy would like his girlfriend to cater to his sexual fantasies. In only-on-television perfect timing, Elliot and Dave or whoever come back into the control room, because, oh yeah, this is a sports show.
Dana is reclining in Casey and Dan's office when Casey comes in. She says she likes to hang out in their office sometimes during breaks and commercials and says they have a nice skyline. Then she admits she's lying and that she's only in there because she thought Casey might be in there. Note to Casey: that's a signal. Casey admires the skyline. "It's a beautiful city," says Dana, looking directly at Casey. Then Casey starts nervously talking about how Danny told him that the statute of limitations after she broke off her engagement with Gordon was ninety days. "Statute of limitations?" she says, staring at him. "Yeah," says Casey, who then decides he should get back to the desk and turns to go. "It's sixty days," says Dana. "What you been waiting on, McCall?" as a trace of lustiness creeps into her voice. She stands up. Casey all deer-in-the-headlights says, "I was, you know, waiting." "You were waiting for what, St. Swithin's Day?" "I was waiting the proper ninety days, the way I was taught." "Yeah, well whoever taught you taught you wrong." "It was Danny." "No
kidding." Cracking me up. "Unless you wave me off, I'm going to kiss you right now," says Casey. "If it's not too much trouble," says Dana. This scene is WAY TOO MUCH TROUBLE. This is the slowest, most agonizingly painful lead-up to a kiss ever. Casey stands there for a few hours, hands twitching like a wide receiver at the line of scrimmage, waiting for the ball to be snapped. Finally, he walks over and they STAND THERE for about five days. "You've done this before, right?" says Dana. "I mean, you have a child." Whoa! Unless Dana never got the birds and bees talk and thinks kissing causes pregnancy, she just majorly upped the ante. Note to Casey: that's a signal. She puts her hands on his chest. But Casey chickens out and decides that they shouldn't squeeze this in during a commercial break, and Dana disappointedly agrees, and they decide to meet back there after the show. Casey scurries out. Then that "It's In His Kiss" song starts playing, you know, if you wanna know, if he loves you so, it's in his kiss. That song. I thank God it wasn't the version by that freak of nature Cher. Casey spins right around (I guess he heard the song), marches back into the office, grabs Dana, and kisses her, which is what I should have done with Osteoporosis Bus Girl, even with all the blue hair and wrinkly skin all around us. They come up for air and Casey says, "You don't mess with the statute of limitations!" Then he points at his watch and says, "It's showtime!" and struts away all proud of himself and makes this fist-pumping "Yes!" gesture in the newsroom while Dana looks at his ass and seems a little flushed and finally saunters out of the office.Casey struts back up to the desk grinning from ear to ear as that stupid song keeps playing and Dan says, "What's with the look?" and Casey says, "I'm just feelin' good." In the control room, Dana strolls back in wiping her mouth and fidgeting happily with her collar. Then we get a shot of Isaac grinning about something sitting down to watch the rest of the show and we fade as this never-ending song says, "Hold him, and squeeze him tight . . ." and the episode's over.