By Daniel
This episode opens during the show with Casey giving football highlights. As they go to commercial, Dana says they're going to be fifteen seconds short on the Bucks-Pacers game, so Natalie asks Jeremy for something interesting about Milwaukee. There's a tall order -- fifteen seconds of interesting material about Milwaukee. Jeremy comes up with the fact that it's not the capital of Wisconsin. "And while that may be true," says Dana, "I need it to be about the team and -- oh yeah! -- I need it to be interesting." Jeremy says it was just for starters.
, Natalie says Casey has been flinching for the past couple of nights. Dana hasn't noticed, but all the TCs start arguing about whether it's a tic or a flinch. So Dana asks Casey about it, but he denies flinching, then claims there's a fly in the studio. Trouble is, no one else has seen a fly. Dave hasn't seen it; he asks Chris. "I'm not hearing it," says Chris. "There ain't no fly," says Dave, with a bit of an attitude, and a double negative used for effect. So Dana tells Casey -- get this -- that Dave says there's no fly in the studio! And then Casey tells Dana -- get this -- that there is a fly in the studio! How did this show ever get cancelled? Dana then asks Dan if there's a fly in the studio. "Let him work through it," says Danny, completely ignoring her question.
Isaac strolls into the control room. Dana points out that he's smiling and holding a ratings book, and wonders if he knows something. Isaac says that while they're still in third place, they've gained a point and a half in men aged 18-49, and they took it evenly from Fox and Bristol. "Plus I'm always smiling this time of night. You know why?" he says. "Double Chivas on the rocks?" says Dana, and you'd think it's not a good idea to point out your boss's alcoholism, except he says, "That's right." Natalie tells the anchors the good news. About the ratings, not Isaac's drinking. Oh! Jeremy has a juicy tidbit for us! Turns out the attendance at tonight's game is exactly the population of Hoisington, Kansas! Wait a minute...have you ever noticed that you never see a Bucks crowd and Hoisington, KS at the same time? There's something going on there. Dan looks nonplussed, so she tells Danny he can either relay the Hoisington info or he can talk slower. Then Danny watches Casey waving and batting at this phantom fly. "Boy, it's almost hard to believe we're in third place," he says. He's seemed pretty dour lately, almost like he writes for MBTV. Commercials.
The day, Dan and Casey walk through the newsroom. Well, Danny walks; Casey hobbles and keeps saying he's in pain, because everybody loves a whiner. Danny starts ordering the TCs around; he's looking for info on some story he's working on. And I'm grateful that no one asks him what his problem is. Oh, no! Kim does. "What happened?" she says. "Not important," says Dan, "but we have to do a five-minute scene on it, so please leave us alone." In their office, Casey says he takes care of his body so his body will take care of him, but his body deserted him, and Danny says it was Casey's brain that deserted him. So Casey whines that Dan's not concerned about Casey's "broken ankle." Funny that, since I don't think you can actually walk on broken ankles. But instead of saying that, Dan says, "Where does it hurt?" So Casey irritatedly says it's his ankle that hurts, like no wonder Dan didn't express any concern -- he knew that pain transforms Casey into an even bigger ass than normal.
The phone rings, and Casey says, "If that's Dana, I'm not here," which doesn't really strike me as an odd thing to say, but Danny makes this whole case out of it, saying, "Why would it be Dana?" and "it could be any number of people" and yes, that's true, Dan, but try to follow me on this: you're at work, Dana's your boss, she does check in with you from time to time during the work day. I mean, if this episode was fifteen seconds short, I really wish the actors had just spoken slower instead of adding filler dialogue like this. So of course it is Dana (whoa!), and she probably has no idea how cranky Dan's assholery is making me. Danny says into the phone, "Yeah, he's right here, what do you need?" Uh, sounds like she needs Casey, what do you think? Dan starts chatting with Dana. "Tell her I have a broken ankle," whispers Casey. "Casey has a broken ankle," says Dan. "Yeah, now tell her it hurts," says Casey. "He says it hurts," says Dan. "Now make this part sound dignified and heroic," begins Casey, but Danny just tells Dana, "'cause he kicked a fire hydrant on his way back from lunch," causing Casey to pitch a fit, and he tells Dan to stop talking. "He just found out you were going to Vermont this weekend with Gordon," continues Danny. , this mushroom cloud erupts. "That is not why! That is not why!" whisper-yells the mushroom cloud, hopping around the office. Casey gives up and after Dan gets off the phone, Casey settles back on the couch and says, "Thanks for the teamwork." Then he wants to know if she said anything. Ah. He was trying to get sympathy from Dana. That I can kind of understand. This reminds me of a "terribly moronic and boring" personal story of the type I often like to inject into my "arrogant and meaningless" writings (quotation marks celebrate choice bits from my first hate e-mail).
It was an early June afternoon in my last year of high school, and my friends and I were sitting around the school lounge. Someone said the baseball diamonds by the college were finally dry from the spring melt, so we figured we should put them to good use. The class most of us had in the afternoon was Physics 30, except we had gotten into review just before the diploma exams and Mr. Brady was one of those teachers who said, "You're all old enough to decide whether you want to go to class or not." I mean, he usually followed it up with, "It goes hand-in-hand with deciding whether or not you want to pass this class" but to a bunch of 17-year-olds we only heard the first part, translated as "Mr. Brady said he doesn't care if we skip class!" So we rounded up a bunch of people and gloves and a bat and headed out to the diamonds. I was in the first car of guys to arrive, and Darcy grabbed the bat and headed to home plate and told the rest of us to take the field so we could shag flies. I was in left field and the very first ball Darcy hit was going foul in my direction. I mean, way foul. But as it was the first ball of the year, I decided there was NO WAY I wasn't going to catch it, so I started sprinting for it, never taking my eyes off of it. I could have made it, too.
Vaguely, I heard some of the guys yelling what sounded like "Look out for the fence!" but I thought they were talking about the home-run fence, and I was running more or less parallel to that fence and the only thought in my head was "Must catch ball!" Except they were talking about another fence that ran just beyond the third-base line. That was the fence I hit, running full-tilt. It was a chain-link fence that came up only to my midsection, where I was kind of impaled for a second or two, before falling back to the ground in some of the most blinding pain I have ever felt in my life. I was doubled over on the ground, but I couldn't make any noise because I'd had the wind knocked out of me. And I heard all the other guys laughing, and Graham distinctly saying, "He hit the fence!" and they thought it was the funniest thing. Except when I started to get up and they could see the bottom half of my t-shirt was shredded and bloody -- much like my stomach. That was when they stopped laughing. And a couple of the guys got me into Jay's car -- "Hey man, don't bleed all over my car," he said -- and I was taken to the hospital, where I received fourteen stitches in my stomach. Jay called my dad (my mom was out of town), and Jay was really starting to get on my nerves because he was excited about pulling my dad out of a meeting. My dad worked for the school board, so all the guys knew him both from around the school and as my dad, so I'm lying on the hospital-bed thingy while the nurse is bandaging me up and Jay's telling me, "So I said, 'I need to talk to Mr. MacEachern,' and she says, 'He's in a meeting, can I take a message?' and I'm all, 'Uh, I think it's important, his son is in the hospital,' and she freaked out and said, 'Oh my god, I'll go get him!'" And I was thinking, yeah, that's great, Jay. After I was all fixed up, I went back to school to get some books out of my locker. And my buddy Travis maintains the main reason I went back was to get sympathy for my wounds, and I've always denied it, but I admit it now. I walked down the hall with a bloody shredded t-shirt revealing a bandage across my stomach, and I figured any guy who buys a nice car to attract women was wasting his money because no car can compete with a wounded man gritting his teeth and saying things like, "No, it doesn't hurt that much," while wincing almost imperceptibly while getting books from the top shelf of his locker.
Of course, I was in high school, not in my thirties, like Casey, who reveals that he had actually been trying to kick Danny because Dan knew for some time that Dana was dating this Gordon guy. Dan admits it, but this doesn't answer the question of why Dan didn't tell Natalie during the last episode. Casey wants to know why Dan didn't tell him; fair enough. Danny, deadpan: "I thought you might get upset; I can see now I was wrong." Heh. Casey denies that it bothers him. Casey then rather obnoxiously declares that this is something Dana does from time to time to make Casey jealous. Dan: "I don't think it's going to work, do you?" Heh heh.
Kim swings by to tell Dan that Mallory Moss in Business Affairs needs to talk to him about some accounting thing. Dan says he told her it would have to wait because he and Casey are working. He changes his mind when Casey plunks his foot down on the desk under his nose and starts whining about "ankle pain," and I wish I could apply a tourniquet to Casey's mouth.
In an editing room, Dana is lying on the couch with her legs in the air. Oh, stop it. Her legs are crossed at the ankles. She's bemoaning the fact that she can't remember the last time she had a good idea. Natalie, over at the editing machine, says that this segment is a good idea, whatever this segment is, but Dana's talking on a larger scale. Then she compliments Natalie on frequently having good ideas, since Dana says to herself a lot, "Natalie's got a good idea." Natalie reminds her that she also frequently says, "Natalie, if you screw that up again, I'll set you on fire," and I don't have any trouble picturing Dana running some sports-journalism sweat shop, barking orders and administering cattle prods. "What was the last good idea you had?" asks Dana, totally belying her claim just a few seconds ago that Natalie is this gushing fountain of ideas. Natalie says, "When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my head in the blender," and what a truly scary response that was to a fairly innocuous question, I mean, I hope Dana remembers that comment after Natalie comes to work with a rifle someday. Dana laughs, figuring Natalie is joking, even though Natalie works for someone who punishes mistakes with first-degree burns. "I think the way you're handling the Casey situation is very good," says Natalie, giving Dana pause. She denies there is a Casey situation. She then complains that, from the second Casey and Lisa split up, everyone has been convinced that she has a strategy to get Casey to fall in love with her. Natalie says everyone knew she didn't, which is why they're all glad she finally came up with one, which of course Dana denies. "You're going to Vermont for the weekend with Gordon," says Natalie. "Yes, I am," says Dana. "And you bought new lingerie," says Natalie. "Yes, I did," says Dana. "And you went out of your way to make sure Casey knew you bought new lingerie," says Natalie. Dana, horrified, denies it. "Oh, right, that was me," says Natalie, which was pretty funny, even if Natalie is evil for doing so. Dana starts protesting that there's nothing sinister about her motives; she likes Gordon and she likes Vermont, so she's going to Vermont with Gordon. Well, I'm convinced by that declaration of love.
, the business affairs department. You can tell we're there because of this helpful little sign that says "Business Affairs" in the establishing shot. I don't know if I can take too much of this cutting-edge directorial technique. Dan introduces himself to this tiny woman with a helium voice, who turns out to be Mallory Moss or Mossimo or something like that, and she apologizes for the mess but she's only just new here. And I thought she looked familiar, and it bugged me that I couldn't place her -- until I realized that this was Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson. And I was incredibly grateful that I wasn't high while watching this episode, because I probably would have rewound this scene over and over again, saying, "Oh, man! That's LISA SIMPSON!" and laughed my ass off.
Dan says he goes through this with all the new business affairs people, and that his out-of-town expense sheets tend to be a little unusual. She says, "Yes, your trip to Fire Island; what does 'services rendered' mean?" No, of course she doesn't! Sorry, folks! Is this thing on? Don't forget to tip your waitress! Anyway, she says that's not why she called him down here. She says that in September he sang "Happy Birthday" to Casey on air; like thank god I never had to watch that. All I can envision is Dan doing it Marilyn Monroe-to-JFK style. I like Mallory; she says, "Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it's vaguely gay, but I disagree!" Heh! She's so cute! Danny notices this other woman in the office smirking at Danny's love that dare not speak its name. Then Mallory says it's against the law. "It's against the law to be vaguely gay?" says Dan, confused. Heh. No, to sing Happy Birthday without permission. Mallory says it's copyrighted material, with the authors of the song holding the copyright. Dan seems disbelieving. "Did you think that song just happened?" she asks. "Well, yeah," he says, then his ego kicks in: "Would they be happy with an autographed hat?" he asks. "Yes, they would!" says Mallory brightly. Dan gets up to leave. "Along with twenty-five hundred dollars," she finishes. That's how much Patty and Mildred Hill are charging the network for their intellectual property. Dan leaves, but pops his head back in to say that from now on, he's only going to sing songs in the public domain. "That'll teach 'em," says Mallory. Heh. And I thought this copyright stuff was made up for this episode, so I checked it out. And it turns out it's true, although it's more accurate that the copyright is held by the estate; the song was written in 1893, and Patty Smith Hill died in 1946 and Mildred J. Hill died in 1916. The song was originally named "Good Morning To All," and the happy birthday part comes from the second stanza of that song. It appeared in the Hills' book Song Stories for the Kindergarten, and the copyright is good until 2010. And it pulls in more than $1.2 million a year.
Back in the newsroom, Casey summons Jeremy to his office. Casey puts in a tape of last night's show so they can watch the parts where Casey flinches, so Jeremy can see that there's a fly and that Casey's not crazy. "I don't think anyone thinks you're crazy," says Jeremy helpfully. "It feels like they do," says Casey. Jeremy says he has a lot of experience with that feeling. On-screen, Casey looks kind of deranged or high or coming down as he flinches, shrugs, and glances around. You're telling me Dana didn't notice this until the TCs pointed it out to her? "Where the hell's the fly?" says Casey, his face right up to the screen. Come to think of it, Casey looks kind of deranged right now, too. Jeremy suggests the fly only makes itself visible to Casey, an idea that seems to offend Rectangle Head, who gets in Jeremy's face until Jeremy falls ass-backwards into that chair by the Raging Bull poster. To pacify Casey, Jeremy says he believes him.
Jeremy then asks for permission to speak freely, which Casey gives. And of course Jeremy has to go on and on about how he's the new guy and he doesn't want to overstep his bounds or anything. Then he says he thinks Casey's got his head turned around pretty good. Casey says he doesn't, and then, out of the blue, says, "I'm not obsessing about Dana," throwing Jeremy for a loop, because who said anything about Dana? Casey does some overexplaining about how he and Dana have been friends for fifteen years and blah blah you're not fooling anyone, Casey. Jeremy says, "As far as Vermont is concerned, it is my understanding that the weekend is entirely about sex," freezing Casey's face into a tight-lipped smile. He says he feels so much better. Jeremy leaves as Casey tries to pretend he doesn't care about Dana's weekend plans. Commercials.
In a rundown meeting, Dana shoots down a story of Dan's that he doesn't have any on-the-record sources for. Then she says, "Now, what do we know about the phantom fly?" causing Casey to get his pout on. He says it's not a phantom fly, and that he feels like "Tippi Hedren" in there. I think that name might sound sort of familiar, but it could be I'm thinking of Pippi Longstocking, so I have to admit that Casey's little witticism went over my head, but it probably went smack-dab into Sars's forehead, so she can explain it here. ["In Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, in which Tippi Hedren starred, there's a famous scene in which Hedren gets dive-bombed by a flock of birds, which is what Casey's talking about." -- Sars] Then, because it was so damn funny the first time, they resurrect the argument over if Casey has a tic or if he was flinching. Then Casey starts going off about how this is a jumbo fly. Casey is kind of funny here, as he explains that the fly buzzes into his monitors so fast that it should blow apart, but apparently it has some kind of protective coating. "Protective coating," says Jeremy. "Yeah," says Casey, resignedly. Dana asks if the fly has any other special powers. "No. Well...Jeremy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability..." The rest of the staff looks at Jeremy, who makes a "the guy's crazy" gesture. Dana says they'll brush the studio.
Meeting's over, but Dan flags down Isaac because he's got the "intellectual property cops crawling up [his] butt." Try to imagine the face you'd make if someone ever said that to you; Isaac is making that face. Dan outlines the situation for him. Isaac says, "Someone holds the copyright to 'Happy Birthday'?" and "Took two people to write that song?" Anyway, Dan says he's asking all the staff to pick a song in the public domain that he can sing to them on their birthdays. "Why are you talking to me," says Isaac, annoyed. Dan says for Isaac he's narrowed it down to something by Verdi or "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum." I can't figure out if this is funny or irritating. Isaac, however, has no such problems; for him it's clearly the latter.
In the editing room, Jeremy is suggesting Natalie "spot-shadow the inside linebacker" and stuff like that while Natalie sits on the couch, knees drawn up to her chin. She asks when was the last time Jeremy had a good idea. "It was right then," he says, a little confused, pointing to the monitor. Heh. She says she means on a grander scale and blah blah she feels like a freeloader in the contribution-to-humanity department. Jeremy doesn't get it, so she goes on about how she really thinks it would be great if Dana and Casey were together. Oh, yeah. I mean, electricity, polio vaccine, Dana and Casey together. Let's call the Nobel committee right now. Jeremy reacts the way I do, the way I'm sure every guy does when a girlfriend suggests fixing up two friends, and I think it's because women tend to think of their friends as need to be fixed up while men tend to think of their friends as needing to get laid. There. I've said it. And if you'd like to hear more of my wacky views on the differences between men and women, I'm playing all week in the Tiki Room at the Route 27 Best Western. ["Skip it, folks -- there's a two-drink minimum." -- Sars]
Showtime on the desk. At the commercial break, Dan says he noticed that Dana's birthday is coming up, and asks how she'd feel about "O Dem Golden Slippers." She looks to Isaac for help; he advises her to just go with it. She says that'll be fine, and Dan gives her a thumbs-up, which I thought was funny.
Dan complains to Casey because the case of Mallomars Casey gave Dan for his birthday didn't cost $2,500 (i.e., like the cost of "Happy Birthday"). Casey's not really paying attention. Then Dan asks Casey how his ankle is. "Broken," is all Casey says. Pissed off, Dan says, "You know what? 'Frere Jacques' for you on your birthday." Heh. It was so funny I wish I could use that line myself, but I can't envision any circumstances where it would make any sense. The boys go back live just to sign off, with Casey teasing NFL highlights on Monday night. I'm assuming those would be for the football fans who prefer to wait twenty-four hours instead of getting their NFL highlights on Sunday night like everyone else. In the control room, Kim tells Dana that Gordon is waiting downstairs, and she gets all excited about going to Vermont.
Natalie runs out to the desk to tell Casey to go say goodbye to Dana. He grumpily says he has things to do. Like what, Natalie wants to know. "I have to take off my earpiece," he says, whereupon Natalie rips it off his head, much to his chagrin. In the control room, Dana promises to bring back maple syrup for anyone who needs it. At first, Will asks for some, then he remembers he has some so he doesn't in fact need any. Will, dude, having no lines would be better than these lines. I wonder if Will picked up his TV Guide that week hoping to read: "Sports Night -- Tonight, Will asks Dana to bring back some maple syrup from her trip to Vermont. Then he remembers he has some already! Tune in to find out what happens ." Come to think of it, maybe that's what it did say and that's why nobody watched Sports Night.
Special GoodFellas-esque camera follows Casey into the control room, where he says, "Have a good weekend," to Dana in passing. Dana violates office protocol by saying, "I will," instead of "you too." Casey mutters, "I bet you will," so she says, "What was that?" and he repeats it, and they have to get into this whole thing about what he means by that. He says he's all for her going to Vermont and having a good time. "Except for this: I don't think you should go," he says. And she's all, "Don't do this," and he starts quizzing her on Gordon. She says Gordon's nothing anybody needs to worry about (how flattered Gordon would feel to hear that).
They relocate their escalating argument to the newsroom. She says that whenever his life starts to fall apart, he goes after her, making her think he has feelings for her that he really doesn't. "You did it in college, you did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A. and you're doing it now." And let me just brag that I have never been rejected in the manner Dana rejects Casey here: "I don't think you're cute. I don't think you're funny. I don't think you're smart and sometimes I don't think you're very nice." Damn. After a pause, Casey says, "You don't think I'm funny?" which would probably hurt me the most too. She starts to leave, and he starts this half-assed apology that goes nowhere very slowly. He chases her out of the newsroom, where they argue about his ex-wife for awhile. Behind the show's set, she says he thinks that all the problems in his life right now would go away if could just see her naked. Why is that women never take that as a compliment? So he says, "I have no desire to see you naked," which of course makes her upset, like maybe you shouldn't be mixing your signals here, Dana. So he yells, "I want badly to see you naked!" and she says, "Yeah, you better want to see me naked!" And this is one of those television moments where another character happens to walk by, says nothing, and leaves. Does it really matter who it was?
Anyway, they calm down a bit, and Dana says that every time her life starts to spin out of control, she buys a lamp. So he makes a crack about what a well-lit apartment she must have. Heh. Indignantly, Dana says, "I'm not the one being hunted by an imaginary insect!" Casey: "A fly is not an insect!" Dana: "Of course it's an insect!" Casey: "Well, what is it that isn't an insect?" Dana: "A spider!" Casey: "That's right!" Heh. That whole bit really cracked me up. Anyway, he says she's under the impression that he harbours some kind of love for her. She says he's the one with that impression, but she knows it's just in his head, "just like the fly." He gets really pissed at that and says he doesn't feel what she thinks he's feeling, and that if he were feeling it, it wouldn't just be in his head. He also says, "You have serious feelings for me that only now are you being forced to confront and that will probably send you into a lamp-buying frenzy!" Okay, it's Dana's turn to freak out. She says she has utterly no feelings for him and that his feelings for her are imaginary, just like the fly. No, I'm not repeating that bit about his feelings being imaginary like the fly, that's the second time it has been said. I WONDER IF THAT'S IMPORTANT. They yell at each other a bit longer, nose to nose, until Dana says, "Knock it off," on the verge of tears. Okay, when she's not pissing me off, Felicity Huffman is amazing. They both stop. Quietly, Dana says, "You know what I'm talking about and it is not fair. It's not good for you. It's not good for me and it's not good for the show, so knock it off."
Hey hey! Gordon arrives! It's a guy who used to be on Married With Children. I didn't know they let those people act again. Dana says she was just tying up some loose ends. Dana and Gordon kiss while Casey fakely smiles a fake smile. "Worth waiting for," says Gordon, like shut up, Gordon. Casey introduces himself, and of course Gordon professes to be a big fan. Everybody the SN crew meets declares themselves to be big fans, but they're perpetually third. Obviously they're first in getting smoke blown up their asses. Casey makes himself scarce. Dana says she left her bags by the elevator. As she walks across the studio floor, a fly buzzes her, stopping her where she stands. "Son of a gun," she says softly. I wonder what it could possibly mean to have her discover the fly actually exists? If only Sorkin had given us a clue! Oh, well. I guess I'll never know. Think I'll just read today's paper. Wait, what's this headline on the front page? "THE FLY MEANS CASEY LOVES HER." Ohhh...