By Daniel
This episode starts with scenes from "Mary Pat Shelby" that detail the story of Natalie being assaulted by Chris Patrick, as well as Jeremy's concern for her. When those are done, we come up on Dan teasing some upcoming segments on Steven Denton, the Atlanta Hawks, "and we answer the question, 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'" And somehow, the reason that Sports Night is mired in third place remains a mystery. After Casey kicks it to commercial, the anchors are brought winter coats and hats, and Dan says he doesn't think he could be colder. "What if you were wet?" asks Kim, kind of excitedly, if you ask me. Dan says he doesn't think there'd be any discernible difference from how cold he is now. Man, just how cold could it possibly be under those studio lights? And Kim doesn't look very cold, if you take my meaning. I've been looking. From the control room, Dana says they're taking care of it. Dan says he'd also like to look a little more like Elmer Fudd (because he has on one of those hunter hats with the ear flaps, and yeah, he does not look unlike Elmer Fudd). Dana asks Natalie if she's got the S.O.T. on Michigan State. Natalie seems a little distracted but says she has it, then she can't find it front of her. She says it was right there and starts to flip out a bit as Dana and Jeremy tell her not to panic. Jeremy looks like he got a perm or something; his hair looks unusually puffy. Natalie starts looking under the desk, and Jeremy helps her while Dana warns the boys that there may be a change (although Natalie yells that there won't be). Jeremy says this is a professional show so there must be some sort of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens. Dana says "absolutely," even though this doesn't strike me as such a grave crisis that it would warrant some sort of emergency procedure. But here it is: Dana tells everybody to stand up to make sure they're not sitting on it, and, joy of joys, our old friend the laugh track is back to let us know what's funny. Like this. Natalie scurries off to find the Michigan State whatever, and Jeremy offers to help, but Dana tells him not to bother because she isn't going to find it. Jeremy calms down a bit, and she asks him if he got any sleep last night, and he says he doesn't remember. I guess that explains the fuzzy hair. He still could have taken a shower, though.
Back at the desk, Dan says he has three complaints. For some reason, Casey, drinking some presumably hot beverage, asks him what the first two are. Wha? Why would he ask that? Oh, because it can set Dan off into saying he hasn't put them in any order and that he isn't conversationally anal-retentive like Casey is. "I'm conversationally anal-retentive?" says Casey. Dan says yes, and Casey asks what the other two complaints were. So the anal-retentive thing itself was a complaint? I'm confused. Sorkin, can we move it along, please? Dan says if he were to rank his complaints, high on the list would be the climate in the studio, and Casey says his position on that is pretty clear. Oh! That's funny, says the laugh track. Then Dan makes another complaint is that Casey is too hard on Rostankowski, whoever that is. Casey denies it, but Dan says Casey has been riding him all week. "Dan, he made a bonehead move on fourth down with the game on the line. It's not the first time he's made a bonehead move. Now, I'm a commentator, I'm a pundit, I'm doing my job." "You're a pundit?" says Dan, and Casey says yes, and Dan says, "Your parents must be very proud," which I thought was pretty funny.
Dan's other complaint is the sound effects Casey used all through the Rostankowski piece, which according to Dan were "Clank!" and "Wah-wah," which cracked me up because I love "wah-wah," and Danny doing it was even funnier. "What's with that?" he asks Casey. "I am bringing my point into stark relief," says Casey. "With Casio keyboard sound effects?" says Dan. Then Casey says they have very talented sound guys. "Right, Chris?" says Casey. Chris dutifully says, "Thank you." "Right, Will?" says Casey. Will says, "It's what I do." And then Casey says Rostankowski should not be the head coach of a college football team. "Yeah, but he is and you know what that job's like, so I'm just sayin'," says Dan. Kim tries to remove Danny's winter coat and Dan won't let her, which may be the first time ever a guy has stopped Kim from removing an article of his clothing.
Back in the control room, Natalie says she can't find the S.O.T., and Dana says it's not a problem, but Natalie says it is, and Dana assures her that they have promos they can use to fill and she lets the guys know. Natalie apologizes to them, but Dan and Casey both tell her not to sweat it. Then Casey tells Dana that Danny has some complaints, and Danny tells her "three complaints." "Danny, you look like Elmer Fudd," says Dana. "Okay, four complaints," says Danny. Commercials. I rewound the tape so I could listen to Danny going "Clank...wah-wah" again.
The day, in Dan and Casey's office, Natalie tells Danny that she spoke to building maintenance about the air conditioning and they're sending someone up. "That's good, um, but the problem we're having in the studio is with the heat," says Dan. Casey laughs and Natalie swears. She starts to run out, all flustered. Dan asks if she wants to sit down for a bit, shoot the breeze. She says, "I can't shoot the breeze right now, I have to do my job. Or do you think it's just safer for everybody if I don't do anything?" Casey says no, and Natalie continues, "My two anchors are going to die of hypothermia on the air, but that's okay, no problem, because Natalie's a little distracted!" Then she says she's not distracted and she can do her job, and she says again that she has to get the heat fixed. As she leaves, Dan calls after her, "Also, if you see Casey" -- Casey glances up, confused -- "tell him to lighten up on Rostankowski." Casey rolls his eyes. Dan then pretends to see Casey for the first time and tells him himself. Casey gets all snitty and says he stands by his position and that he's doing his job. "I do it proudly, I do it vigorously, and I do it for the following three reasons," he says. "Here come the table of contents," says Dan, employing less-than-stellar subject-verb agreement. Casey makes that "so what" gesture that anal people make when someone calls them on their analness and says, "I like to organize my thoughts." Then he asks Dan why he's looking at a dictionary, because I guess it's really unusual that a guy who does a lot of writing might occasionally check a dictionary. Dan says he doesn't think "pundit" means what Casey thinks it means. This is so pointless. "Pundit" is one of those words that are only ever used by the media, much like "blaze" when referring to a fire and "tony" when referring to an upscale neighbourhood. Each then accuses the other of not letting it go, like, I hope I grow up before I'm older than these two guys are. Casey points out that for two weeks Dan said Latrell Sprewell should not be allowed to play professional basketball again. Dan reminds Casey that there's a difference between making a bad call in a college football game and attempting to choke your coach (point: Dan). We also learn that Rostankowski coaches at Casey's alma mater. Casey all of a sudden gets really agitated and says, "We were this close to beating Miami." Dan suggests that Casey see a therapist.
Isaac's office. Dana wants to know what the upshot of the budget meeting was. Isaac says they have to figure out a way to cut $17 million dollars. What? Exactly how much of a budget does this show have? $17 million has to be an awful lot to cut, certainly enough that Dana might want to actually react to that announcement. All-new Puffy-Hair Jeremy bursts into the office, saying he found an email death threat to Natalie and he's been going over all the phone calls and letters Natalie has been receiving. "Jeremy, is this why you haven't been sleeping at night?" asks Dana. She says she doesn't want him obsessing, and he says he isn't. Dana says that network security's working with the FBI and they pretty much have the bases covered. I wish my job had security that worked with the FBI. Every day strangers just kind of wander through the newsroom, and if you ask them if they need anything or anyone, they just say, "No, it's okay," and you want to say, "Well, GET OUT OF HERE, then." Jeremy says the security's not doing a good job since this email got through. Dana says Jeremy shouldn't be reading Natalie's email, and he says it's the only way he can stop her from doing so, thereby making Jeremy, I guess, the most well-intentioned fascist I've ever met. Dana expresses surprise that Natalie gave him her password, since she won't give it to Dana. Jeremy says he figured it out, after wondering how many six-letter words could there be? "Um, five thousand," says Dana. Oh, yeah, you know, Dana. Jeremy says it's 14,200 and change, but he got it on the thirty-eighth try. That would be what, "abacus"? You see, because that's close to the beginning of the alphabet and if he were doing them in order...oh, forget it. Despite Dana's protests, Jeremy reads the letter, which is addressed "Dear Slut" and says Natalie shouldn't have been in the locker room, and she deserves what Patrick did and more, and ends with "I hope you get killed. " Jeremy also makes a snide comment about the poor spelling in the letter, because sending a nasty letter is one thing, but not running spell-check on it beforehand -- that's just not done. Isaac says they've seen the letter. "It came yesterday, Natalie gave it to the police," says Dana. Jeremy gets upset that Natalie's seen the letter. "I don't want her seeing this stuff!" he yells. I don't know that Jeremy's been there long enough to be this protective, really. I mean, Sars gets death threats all the time from MBTV readers and she doesn't really whine that much about it anymore, possibly because the only reaction she ever gets out of me is a grunt and a "so what do you want me to do about it?" ["I'd like you to stop sending them, tough guy." -- Sars] Dana tries to calm Jeremy down and tells him to go to the conference room so she can talk to him. He leaves, apologizing for raising his voice. Dana seeks assurance from Isaac that they really shouldn't worry. She wants to know that "a reporter goes into a locker room, has a run-in with an athlete, the reporter becomes the story," isn't any big deal. Isaac says it happens about twice a year. Dana wants to know why this feels different. Is she really wondering? "Because it's happening to us," says Isaac. "Right," says Dana. It's clear she's thinking, "Damn! I knew that one!" Then they go back to the budget.
In the newsroom, Casey is reading his fan mail aloud to everyone. Here's an idea for the budget cuts: ditch Casey, and the resulting increase in everybody's productivity and morale should generate a lot more than $17 million. The letter he reads of course agrees with him on the Rostankowski thing. Then this one: "You are my favourite sports anchor ever. I never used to like sports, but you've gotten me into it. Maybe because you're totally hot. Look me up, Tracy Deveraux, Baton Rouge, Louisiana." Kim accuses him of making that up, so he shows it to her. "It's addressed to Dan," she says, in yet another shout-out to me. Casey gets a little louder and says he's leading a groundswell, just as Dana arrives to cart him off. She tells him to double-check any items that come from Natalie, and if there are any mistakes, to fix them himself instead of telling her, because the distractions are starting to get to her. Casey agrees that "she's been screwing up pretty good lately," instead of maybe asking how she's doing, and Dana gives it to him between the eyes and says, "Yeah, not like when you were going through the divorce," as they keep walking and talking.
Casey insists he did his job with "aplomb," like, who else talks like Casey does? Dana says she remembers some days he couldn't even find the building, and I'm not really sure what that means, but I guess it really doesn't matter, as they come to a stop in the hallway and Dana says, "You'll watch her back?" and Casey says he will as he blatantly stares at Dana's chest, so all of a sudden he's really not paying any attention to Dana. "You look nice today," he says, a little inquiringly. She says "good" and tries to move past him, but the prominence of Dana's breasts in the blue dress she's wearing forces Casey to become even more insufferable than usual, and he lectures Dana by saying that when he gives her a compliment it's her cue to say "thank you," and she does her best to humour him and says "thank you" despite looking like she wants nothing more than to knee him in the groin. Now he wants to know why she looks nice, and Dana tries to deflect this by saying, "I am nice" and he says "you can say it" like, Casey, SHUT UP already, you frigging masochist. And she doesn't want to say it, and furthermore, she says, he doesn't want her to say it. And Casey insists he does want her to so she can see how much he doesn't care, as he takes a step forward and juts his chin out. Dude, if you feel the need to prove to a girl that you're over her, then you are not over her and she'll know it and she'll think you're an even bigger jackass than she already does. So Dana lets him have it, very calmly, by explaining that she's having dinner with Gordon after the show. "It's been my experience that when I [dress this way], Gordon becomes quite amorous" -- Casey looks less than pleased -- "and it's my hope that Gordon act on his impulses this evening, quench his desire, and in so doing" -- nice coquettish sigh from Dana for effect -- "quench mine." Laugh track giggles a little. Casey makes a big show of pretending that that's all he wanted to hear and she doesn't have to be secretive, as if he's fooling anybody. Casey's manly display of indifference complete, he struts down the hall and tells Kim to make a note. She pulls a pen out of her hair. I love when women do that! "I need to ruin Dana's dinner with Gordon," he says, and keeps walking down the hall. Kim rolls her eyes and makes this really exaggerated "whatever" arm-flapping gesture. You can hear the gears turning in Casey's head as he formulates a plan, like, it looks like Sports Night is veering dangerously towards romantic comedy territory, even if Meg Ryan is nowhere to be seen.
In the conference room, Dana tells Jeremy that Don Quixote was a hero of her father's. I can relate; I always looked up to that guy who flew Airwolf. Blah blah blah Dana's dad would like Jeremy because he's very quixotic (rhymes with "idiotic"), but her father would also say Jeremy's a fool. Jeremy says that may be true, but in his own defence, so was Don Quixote. And then, since we're apparently back in a high-school literature class, Dana says, "You like Natalie, don't you?" and for some reason, Jeremy says "me?" and Dana says "yes" and Jeremy says, "Of course I like her," a little confused, and Dana says that isn't what she meant and repeats, "You like Natalie, don't you?" and Jeremy says "me?" again and she says "yes" and he says, "What was the question?" a little nervously and I guess this is pretty funny, but pretty painful. Dana should just write him a note like you'd always get from girls in junior high, the ones that say, "Do you like Brandy (or whoever)? Check one," with a couple of boxes helpfully drawn for you to check off. Dana looks like she could just eat Jeremy up, he's so cute. "It's okay, I'm sure your love has been pure and chaste from afar," she says, and he assures her it has. She lets him in on a little secret: "I think Natalie likes you too." Jeremy says he thinks so too, in a faint, subtle sense. "She's been throwing herself at you," says Dana, which was pretty funny. Dana's advice is that Jeremy should do nothing, because Natalie's life is really turned around and the most important thing she needs is a quiet dinner in a safe place with someone she likes. "Who?" says Jeremy. "Jeremy..." begins Dana. "Me! Right!" realizes Jeremy. Again, funny. She orders him to go take a nap in her office, and he promises to try to sleep. Commercials.
Dana, Danny, and Casey are walking and talking, and the conversation turns to Casey's anal retentiveness, which he hotly denies but which Dana says is true. "You guys need me for this fight?" asks Danny and when they say no, he peels off. Casey wants to know how he's conversationally anal-retentive. "Let me answer that question in four parts with the fourth part first and the third part last..." and Casey rolls his eyes and surrenders. They continue walking, and Casey asks if she asked the sound guys if they have the crash-and-burn sound effect for his Rostankowski thing. Dana says they don't, which really surprises Casey, and they discuss it for ten minutes as they head to the control room. Casey asks Dana if she made the sound for them; she says she did. Then there's a pretty funny bit where Casey makes a sound like screeching tires and an explosion, and when Dana tries to make the noise, she sounds like a whimpering dog followed by a splash. Casey puffs his chest out and struts over to Chris and Will and makes his sound. "Crash and burn," says Will. "Can you do it?" asks Casey. "Fuck yeah," says Chris. And the lesson we have learned here is that Women Can't Make Good Violent Sound Effects. Or something. It can't be we learned that Casey Is A Jackass, because we've learned that many times over already.
Jeremy knocks on Danny's door, and we get this filler banter about how Danny thought Jeremy was asleep in Dana's office, when he quite clearly isn't, like, what is the point of all this? I have enough pointless small talk in my life already, with the girl at the Laundromat who gives me change for the washing machine and always says, "Doin' some laundry?" as I stand there, apparently some sort of enigma with my detergent and my laundry basket full of dirty clothes. So move it along, Danny. Jeremy reveals that he has been "running stats" on restaurants, because he wants to take Natalie to dinner and he wants to do it right. And he wrote a computer program to help him figure out the best restaurant, and he factors in menu, ambience, et cetera. I would like to thank heaven that Jeremy does not use his powers for evil and has instead chosen to fight on the side of geekiness. Jeremy starts going into hyperdrive, and Dan has to grab him by the arms and tells him he needs to get some sleep. Dan's about to leave, but he tells Jeremy to pick some place he likes, because restaurants don't impress women as much as men think they do. Maybe not, but I knew they're pretty impressed if you take them to Arby's. Give me a break, I had a coupon. Then Dan goes off on how great New York is and I conked out for a bit. The upshot is that Jeremy should surprise her and make it nice, but it should be a place Jeremy likes. "Where is that restaurant?" says Jeremy. "I'll let you know when I find it," says Danny with a melancholy smile, because I guess we need to turn the restaurant search into a metaphor for something more significant, but it's really just another one of those Sports Night moments that has me reaching for the Jim Beam.
, Dana shows up on set with Gordon, and Casey pretends to like him and stuff. Gordon comments that the place really hops at showtime and says, "It's like a real television show," and I guess he was trying to be funny, but what a truly obnoxious thing to say. Dana leaves and says Gordon doesn't have to talk to Casey if he doesn't want, and Gordon should feel free to talk to Casey if he doesn't want, and Gordon should feel free to take a swing at Casey if he says something Gordon doesn't like. Why are they all being such assholes all of a sudden? Gordon starts to make some horndog comment about Dana in that outfit, but Casey thankfully cuts him off. Then Gordon starts in about how Casey's right on in his condemnation of Rostankowski, which completely softens Casey up, and Gordon suggests a bunch of other plays, all of which Casey shuts down for various reasons that I can't comment on because I don't know football like I know hockey (but I would still make a fairly competent XFL announcer). "What would you have called?" asks Gordon. And of course Casey realizes the luxury of being a Monday-morning quarterback who doesn't have all the pressures a coach does, et cetera, and if Gordon were smarter I'd say it was his intent to make Casey realize he should let up, but I don't give Gordon that much credit. Kim comes along to escort Gordon to the green room. Casey goes into the control room to tell Dana he's blowing off the Rostankowski thing. Everybody looks pleased except Will and Chris, obviously pissed that they did all the crash-and-burn work for nothing.
During the show, Casey announces that it's time for their weekly edition of "You Should Know." Danny says they get a lot of mail about how they obviously know a lot about sports, but "what can you tell us about legendary Italian song stylist Tony Orlando?" Casey makes this "wuzzah?" face. "Well," says Dan, and then "YOU SHOULD KNOW" in giant letters spins onto the screen and some football-huddle-esque voices yell "You! Should! Know!" like, how terrible was that? Danny starts talking about Tony Orlando and that he's not Italian at all, but hails from Greece. Dana looks over at Natalie, sitting there with downcast eyes. The boys end the show and jump into their jackets, Danny saying that was supposed to be about Troy Aikman, but there was nothing on the TelePrompTer. Dana walks in, shushing them, saying Natalie messed up. Dana pulls on an overcoat. She thanks Danny for covering instead of smacking the supposed sports genius for not being able to come up with any kind of sports-related trivia. Natalie comes running in and points out that they're all miked and she can hear every word. She really lays into them that they should be mad at her, that she should get it right, and when she doesn't she expects to be treated like a professional. Dana tries to offer some excuse and says some really muddled stuff about being helpless and giving and receiving that didn't make much sense, and Natalie runs off. Dana runs after her. Dan and Casey look at each other and break into a kind of concerned saunter.
Slow pan over Jeremy asleep in front of a blanket laid out with candles, wine, and takeout Chinese food. Natalie is staring at him as the rest of the gang strolls up. "He found it," says Danny. Yes, WE GET IT. Dana smiles at Dan, even though she doesn't have any clue what he means by that. Natalie wakes up Jeremy, who seems pretty embarrassed as he shakes off the sleep. "Did you do this?" "Yeah." "Is this for me?" "Yeah." She asks if this is supposed to be some kind of charity. He says no, that he just wanted to do something. "Why? "Because I like you," says Jeremy, melting Natalie completely. Dude, you are so in. "You look awfully tired, Jeremy," says Natalie, and he confesses that he hasn't slept much. "Is that because of me?" and he says it is. He moves to clean up the stuff but she stops him, sits down, puts a pillow on her lap, and tells him to lie down. Dana turns to the assembled crowd and says, "You guys have something better to do?" Everyone sort of shrugs and says "not really." She looks at them, and they get the hint and disperse. Dana says she'll see Natalie in the morning and moves to leave, then turns back and says, "You've been screwing up all week -- it's gotta stop. Get your act together and do it fast. Got it?" Natalie says, "Yes, ma'am," and they smile at each other. Dana leaves. Natalie starts guzzling wine and strokes Jeremy's hair. This is my dream date right here.