Vito's living it up in New Hampshire, making friends, and becoming part of the community. He calls his wife, who wants him to come home, and he seems to honestly feel bad about having left her. When the diner guy, who looks like Morgan Spurlock, makes a move on Vito, Vito rebuffs him, claims that he's not gay, and starts a fight. A few days later, Vito visits the diner and makes up with Morgan Spurlock, admitting that he's been living a lie. So they take a motorcycle ride together, and totally do it. Meanwhile, AJ is spending all his money at clubs, and on clothes and drugs. His parents are frustrated with him, and his "friends" in the clubs are only interested in him because his father is Tony Soprano. AJ goes to visit Uncle Junior, intending to do some violence, but screws it up, as usual. Tony gets mad, and throws AJ around, but also admits that AJ's heart was in the right place. Tony thinks that AJ doesn't have what it takes to commit murder, which Tony sees as a good thing. They agree to keep it a secret from Carmela. Later, AJ collapses at a club, and discovers that he's having a panic attack. Julianna Margulies appears as a real estate agent (named Julianna) representing Jamba Juice, who want to buy one of Tony's properties in Newark. Tony flirts with her, but isn't interested in selling at first, so Julianna tells him that she's engaged and can't get involved with him. When Jamba Juice ups their offer, Tony sells, and Julianna agrees to see him. After the contracts are signed, Tony and Julianna start making out, but Tony is reminded of Carmela, and actually stops the proceedings. Still, he picks a fight with Carmela when he gets home.
The episode opens with Tony and Carmela totally doing it. It's shot from above -- which certainly doesn't do Tony any favors -- and you can barely see Carmela, who keeps asking whether Tony is okay. Once he finishes (which happens mercifully soon, although there's no indication how long this was going on before we joined the scene), Carmela asks Tony whether his incision is okay, and Tony just collapses off her and giggles. I have to say, it didn't seem like Carm was getting a whole lot of pleasure out of that coupling. Not that I'm surprised.
Meanwhile, in New Hampshire, Vito is relaxing in his room, smoking a cigarette, reading the paper, and listening to NPR. It's like someone had a camera trained on my husband last week, minus the New Hampshire part. Vito hears sirens outside, and goes to the window, where he sees a firetruck driving by. Like any good small-town denizen (or five-year-old), he immediately goes to see where the fire is. My mom used to have a police/fire scanner in the house, and any time the fire whistle would go off, the phone would ring with someone calling to ask, "Where's the fire?" And scarily enough, just from the address given on the radio, that question could generally be answered with something like, "It's out on Middle Road, past the dump somewhere before Skelley's farm. You know, where that big blue house is, where that car accident was in 1997? Yeah, somewhere out there." This still freaks my husband out, because he's not from a small town.
Carmela and Tony cuddle, post-coitally. Carm thinks that it's nice to be able to do it again. Tony hopes it was "better than nice," which is what I'm saying, but Carmela demurs that "after that nightmare," they are "blessed." Tony kisses her, but their lovely moment is interrupted by drum-playing from the room. Tony can't believe that AJ is practicing his drums, and Carmela wryly comments, "That's a first." Tony gets up to see what's doing, and finds AJ showing two guys out the door. One of the guys says he'll let AJ know, and AJ thanks him as he closes the door. Tony has followed them downstairs, and he asks AJ whether he kept his "amigos with the baggy pants" away from the silver. Like they have silver. I think maybe Tony should be more worried about the wads of cash and firearms stashed around the house. A robe-clad Carmela joins them in time to hear AJ say that the guys were musicians, and might be buying his drum set. Tony -- who, you may remember, gave AJ the drums in the first place -- is kind of upset that AJ's selling them to the highest bidder. AJ says that he needs cash. Carmela reminds him that the drums were a gift, like if he doesn't play them at all, he should let them sit around as some sort of shrine to Tony's generosity. Believe me, there's a lot of AJ being a little shit in this episode, but that's not an example. They're AJ's, to do with as he pleases, although I guess common courtesy would suggest that he tell his parents before letting just anyone traipse through the house.
AJ claims that he has no money, because Tony and Carmela made him get a crappy job. Oh, they made him get a crappy one? I'm so sure they said, "It's minimum wage and no more than twenty hours a week, or we won't stand for it!" AJ continues to lay down the guilt trip, and Tony tells him to find another job. AJ ignores this suggestion, because it makes sense, and waits for what he knows is coming: Carmela wonders when AJ's going to go back to school. AJ snits, "Okay, for the hundredth time: I can't register until second semester." Man, does that kid need an ass-whupping. And also, can we go back to Tony's suggestion about finding another job? AJ stalks off, saying, "I do what you guys want. Don't I deserve some kind of life?" So his parents want him to act like a little bitch?
At the New Hampshire fire scene, Vito stands around with all of the other looky-loos. His buddy from the diner (who I'm just going to call Morgan Spurlock, because the resemblance is too strong not to) dons his fire gear and runs inside. Some woman stops Morgan and screams something about her baby. Morgan Spurlock disappears into the house and returns carrying a kid. All of the looky-loos applaud. I wish I could make fun of this scene, but I've kind of been there. My name is Kim, and I'm a looky-loo.
Tony and AJ are out on the Stugots II. Either this scene was filmed out of order, or AJ's hair grew like five inches in one day, because he's back to the longer hair from the beginning of the season. I have to admit that I didn't even notice it on first viewing, but looking at it now, it's a pretty embarrassing continuity error for a show that is usually so good about those types of things. Anyway, they're drinking beers together and fishing, a real bonding moment. Tony burps, and AJ burps in response. Ah, father-son love. AJ asks hesitantly what they're going to do about Uncle Junior. Tony says that Uncle Junior's in jail for the rest of his life, and is "a walking corpse, so fuck him." AJ thinks that there's more to talk about, but Tony considers the case closed, and thinks AJ should, too. AJ stews over this for a moment, and then puts down his fishing pole and stomps into the cabin of the boat.
Patsy and Burt walk around the neighborhood, making collections. They visit a butcher and a live chicken store. Yes, really. Finally, they enter an upscale coffee shop. It's Starbucks. They don't call it that, but that's what it's supposed to be. Patsy introduces himself to Dale, the manager, and welcomes him to the neighborhood. Patsy claims to be from the "North Ware Merchants Protection Cooperative," and Dale thinks they're soliciting a donation. Patsy explains that it's "a transitional neighborhood" and the police can't provide all the necessary protection, so the shop can pay membership dues to him for protection. It's a shakedown, but Dale doesn't get it, and says anything like that would have to be authorized by their corporate offices in Seattle. Patsy keeps trying, and Dale keeps saying that he doesn't have the money. Burt wonders how Corporate would feel if the store took a brick through a window. Dale, clearly in need of a brick to the head, snarks, "They've got, like, ten thousand stores in North America. I don't think they'd feel anything." Patsy, realizing Dale needs a rude awakening, wonders how corporate would feel if one of their employees, like a manager, was assaulted. Dale finally catches on, and says that "every last coffee bean" has to be accounted for, and if "the numbers don't add up," he'll get fired and another guy will pop up in his place. Patsy and Burt realize the venture is fruitless, and walk out. Patsy pauses to muse: "It's over for the little guy."
It's morning in New Hampshire. Vito is greeted by the inn's owner, who invites him to join the other guests for breakfast. I can't believe he doesn't take her up on it, seeing as how the other guests are currently sitting around the living room, having a scintillating conversation about dishwashers. Vito claims he has to go write his book, which is his cover story for why he's there. Vito wanders down the small town street, and a guy calls out, "Good mornin'!" Yes, he dropped the "g," because that's how people talk in friendly small towns.
Meanwhile, two young hipster chicks are strutting down the street in front of Satriale's. Christopher checks them out, as does Tony. Sil doesn't look, because he's busy reading the paper. Sil reports that someone thought he saw Vito in Florida at Jenny Craig, but it was some other fatso. Christopher thinks that if they do find Vito, they should have Carlo whack him, because that would make everyone happy. Tony is surprised that Christopher doesn't want to take care of it personally, and Christopher says that he's "got enough complications" in his life, including the "Feds up [his] ass." That sounds uncomfortable. And I'm surprised he didn't work in a Vito/gay joke. Anyway, Christopher says that he'll kill someone for business reasons, but not just to be politically correct. Hey, we each have our own moral compass. Tony points out a hot chick walking across the street, and Sil says he could do that with no problem. Christopher makes a Viagra crack, clearly not having the word on the street that the new go-to ED drug for jokes is Cialis. Tony says that for two months, he didn't even have morning wood. Christopher makes another crack about Silvio, who flips him off, and asks Tony whether the bullet did something physically to "the plumbing." Tony says that it wasn't physical; it was "the result of the trauma." Tony says he's healed now because he's "got a baguette in [his] pants 24/7." They all chuckle, but clam up when Sil points out that the hot chick, one Julianna Margulies, is coming their way. She stops and introduces herself to Tony as Julianna Skiff from Century 21. Well, the character name certainly makes my recapping job easier.
Tony leads Julianna inside. They sit down, and Tony immediately offers her a cannoli, which I guess isn't as obvious as offering her a baguette, but almost. Julianna says that she knows Tony owns a nearby building, home of "Caputo's Live Poultry," and that her client, Jamba Juice, wants to buy it. I guarantee that when Wing Chun heard the words "Jamba Juice," she squealed out loud. And then probably said, "I could go for a Jamba Juice right now." And then cursed her Canadian homeland for its lack of Jamba Juice outlets. ["True, true, and true. I would join the Mob if I thought it would get a Jamba Juice into my neighbourhood." -- Wing Chun] Julianna explains to Tony that the area is on an upswing, and that she just bought a loft in the old glove factory. She offers Tony $175 per square foot, which would figure out to $315,000 total. Considering that Tony probably got the property for about $20 and free eggs for life, it sounds like quite a deal. Tony asks whether she's ever bought eggs there, but Julianna doesn't like the smell. Tony says that his eggs and chickens taste way better than anything from the supermarket. Julianna gives Tony some more sales pitches, but he's not buying (or selling, as the case may be) because "it would be a real loss for the neighborhood." Tony says that even though he doesn't live there anymore, he grew up nearby, and his father was "an early community leader." Well, that's one way of putting it. Julianna shares that she's from Binghamton, and that she wasn't interested in taking over her parents' catering business, due to her "low tolerance for boredom." Julianna gives Tony one last shot, and asks whether he's interested. Tony, subtle like a bulldozer, says, "I'm interested. But as far as the property's concerned, $175 a square foot's a little low. And, um, I don't wanna sell out from under the guy." Then the scene ends kind of abruptly, given the flirtation those two had going.
Vito heads to the diner and says he's been "dreaming of those Johnny cakes." Morgan Spurlock brings Vito a menu, and Vito says that he was at the fire last night, and that Morgan's got balls, especially since he's a volunteer. They make small talk about Vito's nonexistent book, and the great food in the diner. Some old guy in the booth says that he saw Rocky Graziano fight back in the day, and Vito says that he might interview him. Morgan Spurlock says that he thought Vito was writing about Rocky Marciano. Vito makes some bullshit excuse, and the old guy wants to keep talking about old boxers, further revealing that Vito doesn't know shit about shit. Morgan confesses that he looked Marciano up in the internet when he heard Vito was writing a book about him. Ooh, you flirty devil! This episode is all about the flirting. Morgan pats Vito's hand and suggests that Vito's working too hard, and must be lonely. The moment is interrupted when Morgan's daughter (?) comes in, looking for her science project. I mean, I realize that gay dudes can have children in a variety of ways, but it just seemed kind of random, except as a red herring. Vito looks perplexed.
Tony struts down the street in Newark like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, stopping to talk to Mrs. Conte, an old lady sitting on a lawn chair on the sidewalk. Hey, we had one of those ladies in my town, too! We called her Mama Scibetta. She even had the rolled-down stockings like Mrs. Conte is wearing. Anyway, Mrs. Conte complains to Tony about the racial slurs living in a nearby apartment and their loud music, and Tony promises to see what he can do. Mrs. Conte thanks him and tells him to say hello to Junior. Yeah, I'm sure Tony will get right on that.
Tony walks into Caputo's Chicken Market or whatever the fuck and makes a "chicken or egg" joke which even Mr. Caputo finds tired. Mr. Caputo says that business is good, and Tony "jokes" that he's going to raise the rent.
At Blockbuster, AJ and his buddy watch a movie on the big screens. They argue about the best way to hold a knife during man-to-man combat, like either of them has any experience with an actual fight. They're interrupted by a customer, a woman holding a young child, who has the audacity to want service. That lady has a lot more patience than I do; I would've already slammed my video down on the counter, sighed, rolled my eyes, walked out, and written a strongly-worded letter to the corporate offices. Because I am eighty years old. AJ's cell phone rings, and it's his buddy Hernan calling to invite him out that night. AJ brags about how much cash he has for drinking purposes, and hangs up. Meanwhile, his buddy gets a cell phone call while processing the video checkout. I'm sorry. If an employee actually TOOK A PERSONAL PHONE CALL while waiting on me, I would be so out of there. Vote with your wallet, lady. Don't put up with that shit. This isn't Clerks. I'm sure there's another non-censoring video store in the plaza over. Or just join Netflix or Greencine or whatever. Also, AJ and his friend continue to say "fuck" at various intervals, despite the presence of the little kid. Assholes. AJ's buddy is surprised that AJ's been hanging out with Hernan, because he was "such a dick in high school." AJ writes it off to Hernan being a senior when they were underclassmen.
Tony visits Melfi to complain about AJ's lack of work ethic. Tony thinks that he's been more accepting lately, and maybe that's not the way to handle AJ, because Tony's father would have kicked him out already. I think cutting AJ off financially and charging him rent would be a good start. Although at this point, the horse has already fled the paddock, if you know what I'm saying. They can't expect AJ to suddenly now realize the value of hard work and earning your own way in life. Melfi wonders whether Tony has any empathy for AJ, and Tony says that when he was younger he had some scholastic problems, but "he didn't vegetate." Melfi gives a bullshit response about it being "different times" and "true adulthood is delayed." And I don't know if I've mentioned this, but that? Is bullshit. I have students who have been on their own since sixteen, and manage to work two jobs and go to school, and most of them have kids, and most of them are around AJ's age. So let's just chalk AJ up to overly permissive parenting and call it a night. Although I do have a bit of empathy for him due to being a Soprano, but not that much.
Melfi visits her psychiatrist, Dr. Bogdanovich. Melfi wants to talk about her father's mental and physical state, which is in decline, but Bogdanovich just wants the dirt on Tony Soprano. Melfi calls Bogdanovich on his fascination "on a tabloid level." Bogdanovich won't admit it. Melfi curtly says that Tony won't talk about the trauma caused by his shooting, and it's "only a 'matter of time' before he decompensates." Bogdanovich blames Tony's unwillingness to open up on "this omerta culture," but Melfi thinks it's something else. Sometimes, in my head, I confuse "decompensate" with "decompose," so I was thinking that Melfi was saying that Tony is going to rot. Which she might be, now that I think about it.
Tony and Carmela watch out the window, as AJ and friends load AJ's now-sold drum kit into a van. Carmela comforts Tony, who looks sad.
AJ and friends head for a club and go right inside without having to wait in line at all. Inside, AJ's friend brags to some underage chicks about how AJ's dad is Tony Soprano, the big boss. The chicks seem impressed. And young. And stupid. It's like how I was at school the other day, and I overheard some jackass telling a young stupid girl about how all the clubs in L.A. are controlled by the Korean mafia. I don't know what the fuck he was going on about, but she seemed impressed. And dumb.
AJ talks to the blonde underage girl (Bag from here on out), who says that her feet get cold when she takes ecstasy. Fascinating. AJ avoids this problem by wearing special socks. Like wool? Or some space-age material? Now I'm fascinated by the special socks. Maybe Paulie got them for AJ at the scuba shop? AJ's friend wants to go back to his apartment and party some more (read: fuck the underaged girls), and AJ is all for it. Bag offers to give AJ a massage, and AJ knows that he is totally in. The waitress comes over, and AJ's friends gesture to AJ, who checks the bill and reads that it's $1890.00. Holy fuck. That's how much my first CAR cost, and I had it for four years, not just one night. To save face, AJ is forced to pretend like he's totally cool with shelling out that much cash. He does actually have the cash, which surprises me. How much did that drum set net him? As they're leaving, a little person comes up and tells AJ that the owner is honored to have him in the club, and sends his regards to Tony. The guy just stands there expectantly until AJ peels off a few bills and hands them over. What does that guy need a tip for? Knowing who AJ was?
Night. Tony and Phil meet in a park. Phil wants to know whether they've found Vito yet, but Tony thinks that it's none of Phil's beeswax. Tony asks about John, and Phil makes a crack about Johnny's "vale of tears," so I guess he's not over that. Phil badgers Tony about Vito some more; Phil thinks that it's his business, since Vito married his cousin. Tony thinks Vito has committed "a victimless crime," but Phil points out that Marie and the kids are the victims. Phil has to rub salt in the wound when he says that Tony's father would know how to handle this situation. Tony gets pissed and snaps, "Don't you fucking tell me what to do. You're only acting boss." If it's not one thing, it's another, meaning that Phil has to bring up his dead freaking brother again, like he is such an old woman with the grudges. Tony calms things down by saying that they're in agreement on the Vito thing, but that Tony needs to be the one to handle it. Phil doesn't looks happy, but Tony walks away before Phil can bring up that time someone in Tony's crew bumped into him on the sidewalk twenty years ago or something.
AJ's getting a massage from Bag, who's wearing only a bra and skirt. AJ's clad in just boxers and his special socks, which look pretty normal to me. Bag says that she saw AJ on TV when Tony got shot. Bag wants to know what's going to happen to AJ's "grandfather," and AJ corrects her and says that they don't talk about Family business with outsiders, which for AJ was pretty quick and clever. For AJ. Bag won't let it drop, and wonders whether Tony is just going to let Junior get away with it. AJ, under the spell of drugs and Bag's magic fingers, says that he'll probably have to do something about it. Bag is turned on by this, which means that she and AJ kind of deserve each other.
At Vito's House of Hiding Out Like Jon Cryer (and if you get that reference, you, like me, are officially old), a couple is bickering over something the husband misplaced. Vito shows up, and butts into the conversation to find out that the guy lost his cell phone. I like what the wardrobe people are doing with Vito's clothes – it's like he's combining New Hampshire style with wiseguy style. He's wearing an open denim buttondown shirt (NH) over a black T-shirt (neutral) and Sansabelt slacks (wiseguy). Anyway, Vito says that, when he loses something, he tries to retrace his steps. The husband still insists that he knows he left the phone charging on the bedside table.
Cut to Vito, in a park outside, using the guy's cell phone to call Marie. She's immediately curious about the name that showed up on her Caller ID, but Vito assures her that the guy's name isn't a GUY'S NAME, it's just some guy. Vito quickly apologizes for what's happened. Marie wants him to come back, and adds that Phil said it would be okay, and that they could get Vito to a shrink. How dumb is she? Presumably, as Phil's cousin, she's grown up around the Mob in some fashion. Maybe she's just in denial, in a lot of ways. Vito doesn't think that Phil can be trusted. Marie has been doing online research about church groups that can cure his gayness. Vito promises that he's working on coming home, but in the meantime, Marie will need some cash. Marie begs him to come home, because she just needs him. Vito calmly tells her where to find thirty grand in the house. I wish someone would call me and tell me where I could find hidden money in my house. Vito softens, and tells Marie that she would like it where he is, and Marie jumps on that and offers to relocate with the kids. Vito tries to get off the phone, but Marie wants him to talk to the kids. She calls Vito Jr. over, and father and son have an inconsequential conversation. Vito gets emotional, and tells his son to take care of Marie before they hang up.
A stripper dances and blows a kiss at Tony at the Bing. Julianna shows up and says that she has good news. Tony offers to buy her a drink, and she orders a ginger ale with lime juice. They sit down, and Julianna announces that Jamba Juice is upping its offer. Tony doesn't bite, and Juliana says that they could let Tony carry the note so it wouldn't affect his taxes. Tony still doesn't want to sell, even if it seems like a good deal now, and points out that the property value is only going to go up with time. Tony adds that he's not sure about selling out to a chain, because it would destroy the character of the neighborhood. Julianna is quiet, and Tony asks her to get some dinner. Julianna says that she has a boyfriend, and Tony points out that he's married, and that it's just business. Julianna points out that Tony isn't interested in selling, so she doesn't see the point. Tony levels with Julianna, and says that she's attractive, and that getting shot has made him appreciate life's fleeting nature. It comes across less as Tony's new philosophy of life and more like he's trying to convince her to blow him. Julianna smiles, and says that she might have taken him up on it in the past, but now she's engaged and she doesn't want to screw that up. She finishes her drink and leaves. Tony goes back to watching the stripper.
The New Hampshire firemen eat and drink at a bar. Vito, sitting at the bar, sends a drink over. One of the firemen says that he noticed Vito at their practice, watching them the other day. Aw. It's like Morgan Spurlock is the captain of the football team and Vito is the head cheerleader. Morgan invites Vito to join them, assuring the others that Vito has a great sense of humor. Two of the firefighters are clearly a couple, which seems to interest Vito a great deal, as the others don't seem to care much about it.
In the parking lot, Vito checks out Morgan's motorcycle, which is not a euphemism. Yet. Morgan says that he's glad Vito came to their little town, and they share a moment, so Morgan goes in for a kiss. Vito starts to move forward, but then shoves Morgan back and calls him a fag. Morgan tries to back out gracefully, but then gets pissed and calls Vito a "closet queen," and tells him not to send out signals. This leads to a knockdown drag-out, which ends with Vito on the ground and Morgan standing over him. Vito starts to go for a tire iron conveniently placed on the ground nearby. Morgan kicks it out of Vito's hand, calls him an asshole, and takes off on his bike. Oh, Vito.
The Soprano home. Carmela is putting away dishes and telling Tony that he didn't even notice that the salami he just ate was low-fat and low-sodium. Eating salami? Is that a gay reference? Tony walks over to Carmela and thanks her for always looking out for him. They kiss, and it starts to heat up a bit before they are interrupted by AJ. Tony points out how late it is for AJ to be just getting up, and gives AJ a few "gentle" shoves and slaps, which are far from gentle. AJ ignores him. Carmela asks AJ whether he has to work today. AJ ignores her, too, and launches right into a plea for new clothes. Tony asks what happened to the money from the drums, and AJ says that he needs that money for living expenses. Like what? Rent? Laundry? Utilities? Groceries? Those are living expenses, and those are things that AJ doesn't pay for. Carmela points this out, and AJ says he needs nice clothes. Tony thinks that Hernan is a creep, and AJ gets upset. Carmela, apropos of nothing, says that she worked with Hernan's mother on some PTA thing, and that Hernan has a reading disability. What in the hell does that have to do with anything? Tony has pretty much the same reaction. Carmela wants AJ to take an interest in something productive for once. AJ says that he's interested in running a club, and pretends like his nights out are more for research than bagging chicks. AJ thinks that his parents could stake him in a club because they have "all the money in the world." Carmela and Tony both think it's a ridiculous idea, and Carmela brings up event planning again, along with the Culinary Institute. I think AJ needs to go to the school of Hard Knocks and start paying rent, but no one asked me. AJ yells at his mother. Tony offers to get AJ a job at Beansie's, so that he can learn the business from the ground up. AJ is pissed, because the offer of help isn't exactly the offer of help that he wanted, and because he's an ungrateful little cock. Carmela screams that AJ is going back to college, and AJ accuses his parents of not supporting him. I'll show him a lack of support. God, I despise him. AJ stomps out like a baby, and Tony and Carmela fume together. Tony thinks for a minute, and says that maybe they should give AJ a club to see if he rises to the occasion. Carmela points out that AJ is not even of legal drinking age yet. Not to mention that he's never shown any sign of doing anything remotely responsible or taking any initiative or contributing to society in any way.
Tony talks to Melfi some more about AJ's problems. He thinks AJ is causing tension between him and Carmela, too, which isn't helping their sex life. Tony concludes that it would totally not be his fault if he were forced to seek "an extracurricular outlet." Seriously. I mean, AJ's practically holding a gun to Tony's head while he screws other chicks. Ew. Sorry for that mental image. Melfi is clearly disapproving of this kind of talk, and Tony claims it was all theoretical. Tony says that he'll never betray Carmela after what she did while he was hospitalized. Is he trying to convince Melfi or himself? Melfi wonders whether Tony blames his wife for AJ's problems. Tony doesn't know, and says that Carmela did the best she could. Tony begs Melfi for some practical advice on what to do about AJ. Melfi thinks they should tell AJ their expectations of him while he's living in their home, and that he and Carmela can't undermine each other on this issue.
Speaking of undercutting, Carmela sneaks into AJ's room with a wad of cash and tells him that it's meant for him to buy a suit for college interviews, and definitely not for any sort of entertainment. How about she goes with him and buy the suit, then? AJ's like a drunk on the street. If you give the drunk cash, you have to assume it's going to be used to buy hooch. If you want it to be used for food, buy the drunk a sandwich yourself. AJ thanks Carmela perfunctorily, satisfied that he once again manipulated his parents.
Vito carries a pizza box down the street, stopping outside the diner to gaze longingly at Morgan Spurlock before continuing on.
AJ does some coke off a key in a club bathroom. He's wearing a spiffy new leather jacket, which I don't think is what Carmela had in mind. AJ walks out and rejoins his crew, where he's introduced to some newcomers, Farhad and Daryl, who are launching a new protein sports drink. AJ likes their pitch, and Hernan says that the duo is looking for investors. AJ is all into it, and excited, until Farhad says they'll give him a prospectus...that he can give to his dad. AJ fades back into his seat, dejected.
At home, later, AJ swings by Carmela's room and asks her to wake him up at 10 AM the day.
Vito joins the crowd for breakfast and listens, as they babble on and on about all of the touristy places you can visit in New Hampshire. As he sits there looking sad and sporting a shiner, he's distracted by the sound of a motorcycle driving by outside. When did this show turn into Paula Abdul's video for "Rush Rush"? Is Keanu Reeves going to show up soon in the James Dean role?
The morning, Carmela bursts into AJ's room and pulls open the curtains, letting the sunlight in. She bitches at AJ for not getting up when she originally woke him, especially since he requested the wakeup call. Can they not afford an alarm clock?
Downstairs, AJ lies on the couch in his underwear and watches Adult Swim. Carmela stomps in and yells at him for his laziness, adding that she thought he must have something important to do. Hey, watching television is important! Then again, I get paid to do it. And I pay my own bills. AJ just flips off the TV.
Up in his room, AJ digs through one of his dresser drawers, until he uncovers a giant military-style knife. I have to believe that Carmela not only does AJ's laundry, but also folds it and puts it away, so I can't believe she never found that knife. Frankly, I don't doubt that Carmela just goes through AJ's dresser as a matter of course, while pretending to put away his clothes.
Crazy People Prison. Uncle Junior complains that he never gets mail, and tells the other patients that the orderlies throw his mail out. Outside, AJ signs in at the front desk and is shown inside by an orderly. I'm shocked that they let anyone from Tony's family in to see Junior, given their reputation and what happened. AJ walks into the cafeteria, where Junior is eating with some other patients. AJ stops, deathly pale. Junior spots him and calls out proudly, "Anthony! My nephew! Take me home. I wanna go home!" So I'm assuming Junior thinks that AJ is Tony, right? AJ just looks alarmed, as Junior stumbles toward him. AJ reaches into his coat for something, and ends up dropping the knife on the floor. One of the orderlies yells, "KNIFE!" AJ turns tail and sprints for the exit, but the funny thing about Crazy People Prison is that they lock the doors. AJ gets tackled by a bunch of orderlies as he screams out, "He shot my dad! He shot my dad!" Oh, AJ. So worthless.
Tony shows up at the police station to pick up his son. Apparently, Tony pulled some strings to avoid charges being pressed. Father and son walk outside. Before they can get to their car, AJ complains that his stomach hurts. That makes something inside Tony snap, and he grabs AJ and slams him against the car. Tony gets right in AJ's face and yells that AJ's a moron, and that if they didn't have connections, AJ would be charged with attempted murder. Tony is close to tears as he jacks AJ up with the collar, but in typical Tony fashion, his fears and sadness are manifesting as anger. AJ yells that he can't believe that Tony was going to let Junior get away with shooting him. Tony says it's not AJ's problem, and besides, AJ couldn't get the job done anyway.
They tussle for a minute, until AJ starts crying. Tony orders AJ to stop crying, and AJ tries to get himself under control. Tony looks at his son, and says, "I guess your heart was in the right place, AJ. But it's wrong. Come on." AJ is stunned, and Tony continues, "It's not in your nature." AJ insists that Tony doesn't know anything about him. Tony tries to convince AJ that being a good guy is honorable, and that AJ's nature is something for which Tony is grateful. AJ brings up how, when they watch Godfather together, Tony always says that his favorite scene is the one where Michael shoots the men who tried to kill his father. Tony says very sincerely that AJ makes him want to cry. He touches AJ's face, and reminds him that it's a movie. He says softly that AJ needs to grow up, because he's not a kid anymore. AJ responds by puking all over the ground. Tony wipes AJ's face, and tells AJ to get in the car. Once they're both settled in the car, Tony tells AJ that Carmela can never know what took place.
The day, Tony sits at a table outside Satriale's. His cell phone rings, and it's Julianna, who is calling to say that Jamba Juice has upped its offer yet again, and sweetened the mortgage deal. She asks whether Tony is interested now. Tony spots Mrs. Conte walking across the street, waves to her, and says that he's sold. Julianna asks him to come by her office and sign the papers. Tony has a better idea; he can go to her apartment. Julianna agrees, because, anything for a sale. Before she hangs up, she looks kind of horrified at what she just agreed to, and shakes her head.
Vito goes into the diner, and asks Morgan contritely for some Johnny cakes. And I would say that's not a euphemism except for what comes , when Morgan asks whether Vito wants a short stack or a tall stack, and Vito says, of course, that he wants a tall stack. Oh, writers. Must you always go for the easy joke like that? Anyway, the unspoken sentiment is that they're both sorry and they forgive each other. Vito looks around to make sure there's no one in earshot. When Morgan leans over to offer Vito some coffee, Vito grabs his hand and says, "Sometimes you tell a lie so long, you don't know when to stop. You don't know when it's safe." Morgan nods and agrees. Seriously, I don't know if it's the dialogue or the delivery, but this storyline is turning into a bad '50s melodrama.
Carmela brings a shirt to Tony, who is dressing for his date with Juliana. Well, obviously Carmela doesn't know that's where he's going, especially since she asks where he's going. Tony says that he has "a real estate thing." Carmela helps Tony button up his shirt and calls him, "my handsome man." We get a shot of Carm from Tony's POV, and then see her buttoning the last few buttons.
Vito and Morgan ride motorcycles down a country road. They pull over for a little afternoon delight. I saw a few articles where people made reference to how horrible it was to see Vito getting it on; all they show is a really mild kiss shot from fifty yards away, and then Vito pulls off Morgan's shirt. Is that really so awful? I'm going to assume the best and say that people were grossed out by Vito getting some action period, not that he was with another man. Right? Don't shatter my illusions.
AJ's in yet another club, hanging out with a big group of people. Some redhead guy asks AJ whether he can get his dad to send someone to lean on his landlord, who won't give back the security deposit. AJ just nods, and then starts to breathe in a panicky manner. Hernan asks AJ whether he's okay, and whether he wants some coke. AJ says no, but he's getting pale and sweaty.
Tony visits Julianna's apartment. She's got the paperwork all set up and ready for Tony to sign. As anyone who has bought a house knows, there are like ten million places to sign in the contract. Julianna leans into Tony to show him where to sign, and they keep going faster and faster, and getting closer and closer. Finally, Tony signs the last line, and jumps Julianna's bones. As things get hot and heavy, Tony removes his jacket. Juliana rolls him over and stands up so that Tony can rip her panties off. They continue making out, and Julianna starts unbuttoning Tony's shirt. We see the exact same shot from earlier with Carmela, except this time Julianna is unbuttoning what Carmela buttoned earlier. Tony realizes the parallel and grabs Julianna's hands, forcing her to stop. Juliana doesn't think he's serious at first, but Tony grabs her and roughly tosses her aside onto the couch. He stands up and puts his clothing back together, curtly asking whether they are done signing. Julianna says that they are, so Tony leaves without another word. Once he's gone, Julianna grabs a glass of champagne and downs it. Talk about your blue balls.
In the club, AJ heads into the bathroom, and things aren't looking so good with the sweating and the pale skin and the shallow breathing. AJ splashes water on his face, and then slowly collapses to the floor. Some guys walk into the bathroom and find AJ unconscious. One of the guys says he's a doctor, and runs up and asks AJ whether he's okay. AJ says his heart is beating "so fast," and the doctor asks whether AJ took any drugs. For once, AJ didn't. the doctor asks AJ whether he has a history of panic attacks, which we know that both he and Tony do.
Carmela is lying in bed, sleeping, when she hears a commotion downstairs. She wakes up and yells down to Tony, who is swearing up a storm in the kitchen. Tony comes over and yells at Carmela for not having smoked turkey in the house. Carmela is basically like, "The fuck?" Tony goes back to the fridge, where no smoked turkey has magically appeared, and kicks it shut. I love how on the previews, they made it out like that moment happened because Tony was pissed about something really seriously bad, like a death, but it was really because he's annoyed that he has a conscience now.
Patsy and Burt go to collect from Caputo's Chicken Ranch. Caputo complains that their boss sold the building out from under him to Jamba Juice. This is news for Patsy and Burt, who grabs their cash and leave. Once they get outside, Patsy comments with disgust, "What the fuck is happening to this neighborhood?" I feel the same way when my neighbors let their preteen kids drive their four-wheelers around in the back yard, so that now they have no grass in their lawn anymore. Okay, maybe that's not the same, exactly.