The Fleshy Part Of The Thigh

Outside of a scuba shop is a sea creature kitted up in scuba gear. The door to the shop opens, and out walks Paulie. Really? Can you even imagine Paulie in a wetsuit? Also, I think the sea monster kind of looked like Paulie. So the symbolism has begun: Paulie = monster. I think that theme will continue through the episode.

Tony sweats rivers in the hospital as a nurse cleans out and repacks his wound. The nurse says that Tony is scheduled for one last operation to close up his wound, and that it's a good sign, because it means that the doctor doesn't anticipate needing access to Tony's innards anymore. As the nurse finishes up, Tony clicks his morphine button a few times, and the nurse tells him to watch it. Which doesn't really make sense, because any ER viewer knows that the machine puts a cap on how much morphine can be delivered over a given time span, in order to prevent accidental overdose, unless of course George Clooney is your doctor. Tony glances at the Ojibwe saying pinned to the wall: "Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky." I know last week I said that I thought it meant, "Poor you," but the more I think about it, the more it seems like the Ojibwe version of that Footprints "poem" where Jesus gives someone a piggyback ride. The nurse comments on the saying, and Tony says that his sister put it up, and acts like he doesn't like it, but just keeps it pinned up because Meadow likes it. The nurse tells Tony that he's lucky, and that no one thought he would pull through. Tony can't believe his own uncle shot him.

Out in the hall, another patient is wheeled in, and the nurse says that it's a rapper named Da Lux, who was shot seven times coming out of a club. The nurse finishes up, and Tony hesitantly tells her that he hasn't been feeling himself since he woke up, and that his thoughts keep running away from him. The nurse assures him that it's common in surgical patients, and offers to get him a social worker to talk to. Tony doesn't respond, probably realizing that he can't really talk to anyone, given his profession. I wonder if he's thinking about Melfi.

Carmela walks in and hands Tony a book about dinosaurs. She apologizes for the crappy selection that the candy striper had to offer. The old Tony would have already checked out everything the candy striper had to offer, if you know what I mean. ["Also, Carmela couldn't go down to Borders and get Tony a book on Hitler or something? I think there are a few in print." -- Wing Chun] Tony cracks the book open, and tells Carmela about his upcoming surgery.

Jason Barone, son of the owner of Barone Sanitation, goes to the company's head office and talks to the foreman. Jason's father died recently, and Jason has been going over the books, and discovered that a consultant named Anthony Soprano has been drawing a paycheck for years, but that his office seems abandoned. Huh. Imagine that. A sanitation company in New Jersey has someone with an Italian name on the payroll who doesn't seem to actually do any work. I don't mean to stereotype, but duh. The foreman says that Tony's in the hospital, but that Jason can talk to Tony's colleague, Paulie. He gestures to the wall, where a clipping is hanging with a picture of Paulie being recognized as 2006 Honoree for Excellence in Recycling. Like Paulie ever separated his papers and plastics. Also, I kind of want that photo for my desktop. The picture spurs Jason's memory, and he realizes that Anthony is Tony Soprano, a friend of the family. How dumb is Jason? He couldn't figure out that Anthony Soprano is Tony Soprano? And he doesn't know who Tony Soprano is? Does he not read the papers?

Janice and Bobby visit Tony, who is busy yelling at the hospital staff for giving him a tray of food when he's not allowed to eat due to his impending surgery. Janice launches right into a story about her baby crying, like anyone cares, and like Janice even cares about her baby, unless she can use the baby as an excuse to get out of something, or to get attention and create drama. Tony rips on her for her Ojibwe saying, and Janice denies putting it up there, but their discussion is interrupted when Janice's nanny calls. Bobby helps himself to Tony's dinner. Tony rips on Bobby's love of trains, like, is this International Rip on the Bacala Family Day and no one informed me? Because I would have worked up some more material. Then again, every day is pretty much International Rip on the Bacala Family Day. Bobby apologizes for his role in Tony's shooting. Tony says darkly, "I tell you this, Bobby. You can't hide behind this brother-in-law shit forever. You're an okay guy, but each and every man is judged on his own merit." Bobby leaves the room, and Tony tries to click in some more morphine. George Clooney isn't there, so Tony continues to feel pain. And live.

As Tony struggles to get more pain relief, Aaron, Janice's ex-boyfriend, walks in and asks if Tony has heard the good news. Or I should probably say, Good News. Aaron is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Terri Schiavo Vigil, 3-31-05, You go girl!" Man, that is awesome. And if you were wondering how the writers feel about Christian right-to-life protestors, now you know. Aaron says that he was there protesting a hospital pharmacist who was fired for refusing to fill a prescription for birth control pills. Wow, you mean he was fired for refusing to fulfill the duties of his job? Imagine that! Aaron introduces his friend and prayer leader, Bob Brewster. Bob walks in, and he's got that weird, overly earnest, ring-on-your-doorbell-and- ask-if-you've-been-saved kind of look to him. Bob thought they would pray for Tony, and Tony jokingly accuses him of bottom-feeding. Tony continues to be frustrated by the lack of morphine he's getting from the machine. Bob says that he's "seen people delivered from unbelievable pain." He adds that he was addicted to "cocaine and strippers," lost his wife, and crashed his car while drunk. During the crash, he prayed for God to save him, and he was saved, both literally and spiritually. Bob urges Tony to pray for salvation. Tony says that he's got the whole thing covered with his parish priest. Bob wants Tony to talk to God directly, without liturgical or human intercession. That's un-Catholic! We let the priests do the talking! ["When we go to church. Infrequently." -- Wing Chun]

Carmela walks in and seems weirdly happy to see Aaron. Bob talks about a study proving that prayer helped with pain. Wasn't there a study that came out just this week about how prayer didn't help heart patients? Then again, there will probably be a study week saying the opposite. Carmela thinks that prayer couldn't hurt, and Bob takes that as permission to launch into a prayer. Tony thinks for a moment and then asks about the pharmacist who wouldn't sell birth control. Bob thinks the guy should be "free to exercise his moral convictions without suffering loss of livelihood." Well, then I think he's in the wrong livelihood. Tony argues that he's worried about Viagra, because he'll probably need it, and someone might decide that God's against it. Bob assures him, "God loves procreation." Has he looked at Carmela? I think she might be a little too old for procreation at this point. I wonder how God feels about post-menopausal sex? I would ask him, but I'm not allowed, because I'm Catholic. Bob explains that birth control is a sin because it attacks life. Tony asks again what would happen if someone tried to get rid of Viagra, and tells Carmela that this affects her, too. Bob is sure that no one will ever go after Viagra. Tony reminds him that the government outlawed booze at one point, and as a bar owner, Tony is concerned. Bob smirks and says that Tony actually owns a strip club. So Bob's done his homework! Tony asks if Bob has been to the Bing; point for Tony there. Carmela thinks Tony needs to rest, and thanks Bob and Aaron for coming. Tony says very sincerely that he appreciates their coming by. They leave, and Carmela asks Tony why he's being such a wise-ass. Tony acts all innocent.

Tony lies on the operating table, unconscious for his surgery. Dr. Rachel Green's Dad peer into Tony's wound and says, "Oh my God! I just found Jimmy Hoffa!" Everyone chuckles. Do kids nowadays even know who Jimmy Hoffa is?

Meadow reads to Tony from his dinosaur book. Paulie walks in with Jason Barone, and Tony gives his condolences. Tony reintroduces Jason to Meadow, and they seem to share sort of an interesting look, but who knows if anything will ever come of that. Tony and Jason reminisce about their trips to sporting events, and Meadow says that she has to go. Tony says proudly that Meadow wants to be a doctor, and Paulie adds, "Also considering law." Tony gets down to business, despite the fact that he can't even sit up on his own. He heard that Jason wants to sell Barone Sanitation to Chuckie Cinelli. Jason thinks it would be the best thing for his widowed mother, and adds that Tony would get a severance package. Tony strongly suggests that Jason not sell the business right now, and offers to help Jason to find a better buyer when he gets out of the hospital. Jason -- clearly not in the loop on what happens when Tony strongly suggests something -- isn't convinced. Paulie asks Jason if he even knows what his EBITDA is, and clearly Paulie has been watching CNBC in his spare time. Jason seems confused. Tony tells Jason, "You let me handle this. I don't want to see you get hurt. The carting business -- it's a different corporate culture." Paulie says that they should let Tony rest, and Jason leaves.

Paulie enters a convent to visit his dying aunt, a nun, who has been asking for him. Aunt Dottie is lying on a bed, wearing a nightgown, and her legs are exposed. Paulie is disturbed by the image, and tries to cover his aunt up, but she protests that she's burning up. Paulie kind of ignores the fact that his aunt seems distressed, and shows her the new scuba diver socks he bought for her, which explains the opening scene. Aunt Dottie fingers her rosary and says that she needs to tell him something. Paulie grabs a nearby nun to replace his aunt's shoes. Aunt Dottie pulls Paulie closer and confesses that she was a bad girl. Paulie brushes her concerns aside, but Aunt Dottie continues talking about how, as a young girl, she helped out at the USO and was seduced by a soldier named Russ. Paulie suggests that she talk to a priest. Aunt Dottie busts out, "I got pregnant! I had a baby!" The other nun looks shocked, and Paulie thinks Aunt Dottie is...well, dotty. Aunt Dottie insists that she did have a baby, and that the baby was Paulie. He's her son. Paulie is silent, for once. Aunt Dottie says that the woman Paulie thought was his mother is actually his aunt. Man, you thought Paulie had Mommy issues before!

Tony dozes in his room. An attractive woman enters and asks how he's doing as she starts consulting his chart. Tony wonders where this woman has been, since his other doctors are like "the United Colors of Benetton." Like the Jimmy Hoffa joke, I wonder how many people under twenty-five even get what that means. ["Also, would that be a pop-culture reference Tony would get? I don't picture him doing much reading of Seventeen in the early '90s." -- Wing Chun] The woman says that she's actually there representing Tony's insurance company, and will help the doctors to figure out how soon they can let Tony go home. She sees that Tony's incision is closed, and that they removed his catheter. Tony realizes that she wants to kick him out, and protests that his bowels aren't even working yet. The woman chides Tony for eating a sausage sandwich a few days ago. Tony can't believe that he's paid all these years only to be put on the street. The woman points out that, without insurance, Tony would have been at the county hospital. She refers to a "wallet biopsy" that happened in the ambulance, where they found Tony's insurance card. That is, like, the lamest piece of corporate-speak ever. And I work in the educational field, which is rife with the buzzwords. Ask me about using data-driven dialogue as an assessment of lifelong learning. Or don't. Tony tells her, "Get out of my room, you sick cunt." And while I don't usually agree with Tony's view of women, I think he nailed that one. Well, not nailed. Although he'd probably like to do that too, if only Jesus approved of Viagra.

Carmela helps Tony walk down the hall. A nurse calls Carmela away, so she helps Tony to sit on a chair outside Da Lux's room, which is perfect for Tony to eavesdrop. Inside, Da Lux's manager is explaining how the shooting has caused Da Lux's new album to climb the charts, and helped out with his street cred, which was apparently a problem. Da Lux complains that he's in a lot of pain. Tony looks disgusted as Da Lux cries over the possibility of losing his thumb. It's hard to tell if he's disgusted by the manager's avarice, or by Da Lux's self-pity. Or both.