Mr. Ruggerio's Neighborhood

They've won Grammys. Tony likes to sing their songs in the car. Plus, they're still cooler than Jethro Tull ever was, so I'm just going to let Steely Dan provide this recap with all the introduction it'll ever need: The boys are back in town.

Except it turns out that was Thin Lizzy, but I've never been one to let a strict interpretation of the facts get in the way of an obscure reference, soon with the recap!

Previously on The Sopranos: Pretty much the entire first two seasons happened. And, despite the fancy new 3-D logo the ads have all been sporting, the credits (and the song) remain the same.

Fade up on the Soprano compound (looking especially compound-like with the huge roof-mounted spotlights). After a time-lapse sunrise, a slow American Beauty-style pan up the driveway reveals Tony, in open bathrobe and boxers, fetching the paper. If his criminal activities weren't enough to convince the Cusamanos touh, sorry. It's just that anyone who read the Season Two premiere recap will find this instantly familiar (and if you haven't, you should. Come on, you know you want some). In fact, about the only thing that's different so far is Tony's new, shorter haircut. Alas, this probably means no bed-head jokes this year. Except anytime Silvio is onscreen. Tony checks the headline -- it's about a mob war over garbage trucks. That'll be important in Episode 2.

Cut to an FBI office somewhere, presumably in the greater metropolitan New York/New Jersey area. No matter where it's located, it's certainly a more realistic portrayal of an FBI office than the multi-tiered, full-screen video at every desk, hot secretary, and hard-wood trim monstrosity Milch tried to pawn off on us last Thursday. The agents (Skip included) sit around, listening to a tape of Tony and Pussy engaging in a meaningless conversation. They all read along intently on their transcripts. As the tape ends, they bemoan the fact that "Number 16" was unable to get anything incriminating on tape. "Number 16" was, of course, Big Pussy, and they now feel it's safe to assume that "Bonpensiero is compost." Actually, he's fish food, but why quibble over details. The boss tells them that without Pussy, they won't be able to make a RICO case on Webistics. I just figured it was because they couldn't spell it. They decide to focus on the airline tickets, but that requires Livia. "What kind of mother would testify against her own son?" asks one of the agents. Off the top of my head, I'd guess Mrs. Menendez. Or maybe Linda Tripp, assuming anyone would be willing to impregnate her in the first place. Anyway, there's more talk about Richie, and the Feds are sure he was killed over his involvement in the garbage war that's heating up. Man, these guys are clueless.

The agents continue to discuss their inability to get Tony on tape. He's apparently quite paranoid about it, even though we've never really seen too much of this behavior from him. He won't talk on the phone or in the house. Skip points out that he sometimes talks business by the pool, but he's afraid of "parabolics." Now that is paranoid. Then again, you're not paranoid if they really are out to get you. He does, however, occasionally talk in the basement, because he feels safe with the noise from all the air ducts. They decide to bug the basement.

Cut to a pair of FBI agents in a judge's chamber, trying to obtain a warrant. At first I thought one of the agents was being played by Sidney Lumet, what with the Peter Bogdanovich and all. Turns out he's not, though. Oh well. Anyway, the rest of the scene is basically every episode of Law & Order ever, as the judge quizzes them and finally approves a dual-entry warrant -- once to scope the place out, and once more to plant the bug.

It's another sunny morning at the Soprano compound. FBI agents watch from outside, and overhear Tony bitching about proper coffeemaker maintenance. Later, Tony and Furio drive off, stopping only to give their itinerary to the agent watching their driveway. Well, at least he didn't stick a banana in their tailpipe.

Back at the office, the FBI has determined that they need everyone out of the house for two hours to plant the bug. They decide on Tuesday, because that's when Carmela has tennis lessons and the maid goes out to meet her husband for a picnic lunch. One of the agents wants to run the maid's husband through the anti-terrorism database just for kicks. See, I knew you got to do fun stuff like that in the FBI. They get to see everyone's private info. Wait a sec. I work in a bank. Hmm. I check some celebrity account balances. You know. Just for kicks. They decide to put tails on all the Sopranos, in case they come back home early.

Morning yet again. Tony comes down to fetch the paper. This particular episode has a vastly different editing style and feel than any other, and it's occasionally distracting. It's also much more fast-paced than your average episode. We're five minutes in, and I'm on page six with the notes already. Tony and the paper fade out and are replaced by AJ on a skateboard. He hops into a station wagon and heads off to school. The Feds follow, referring to AJ as "Baby Bing." Tony leaves as well, and he's "Father Bing," which is sadly as close as we'll get to Father Intintola this week. "Peter Gunn" kicks in on the soundtrack as we get shots off all the various Sopranos and their tails, including Meadow, a.k.a. "Princess Bing" (heh), at college. As the maid departs and leaves the house empty, the music fades seamlessly into "Every Breath You Take." Major, major props to whoever figured out that those two songs have the same beat and base lines, because they match up perfectly. Then again, this show has always had the best music on TV (with nary an ovary in sight), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. ["Well, there's Annie Lennox in that one episode. She's not really an ovary, though." -- Sars] By the way, it's worth mentioning that here's where Tony sings Steely Dan in his car. First off, heh, because it's funny seeing the big guy crooning. Second, I SO CALLED THIS. Check the Season Two premiere recap. I don't mean to gloat, but I'm rarely ever right about anything, so I have to take the little victories when I can.

Under the watchful eyes of Agent Skip, Tony and Paulie Parisi head into a building somewhere. Inside, the whole gang has gathered for lunch. Parisi tells Tony about some alterations to a fur coat he made for him, and they all sit down to eat. Except Paulie Gaultieri, who's dutifully washing his hands at the sink. Silvio points out that he washed them already, but Paulie says that he tied his shoes, and since he "hates touching fucking shoelaces," he has to wash them again. Paulie reminds Silvio about what gets on your laces when you use a urinal in a public restroom. Hey, who remembers the halcyon days of yore when, for a few brief moments, we all thought Velcro was the perfect solution to this problem? Paulie proceeds to go on at length regarding his theories about bacterial replication and infection transmission vectors, and when Christopher asks if he saw this on TV, Paulie replies, "I gotta watch TV to know about the world?" Uh, yeah. You do. Or at least read the recaps.

Paulie continues his philosophical ramblings with a trenchant social criticism about the extreme gender differences in public restroom facilities. While men's rooms are often dirty and disheveled, you could "eat maple walnut ice-cream from the toilets" of your average ladies room. I'm so gonna have to try that sometime. Keep checking The Smoking Gun, as I'm sure the report of my arrest for lewd behavior will be showing up soon. He goes on and on, and while I love Paulie with the fire of a thousand suns, there's only so many times I can hear the phrase "dragging your laces through urine" before I have to turn off the TV and start spraying Lysol on all my footwear.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or maybe the ranch-style Soprano compound, the Feds begin their entry. They cut the various phone and alarm wires, and then the head agent utters the immortal line, "Pick it, Wilson." I don't know whether to laugh or wince. Laugh, I think.

Back at the lunch meeting, Tony tries to engage Patsy Parisi in conversation. Apparently, it's his birthday, and he reminds them that it would have been his brother's as well. His brother being, of course, Philly Parisi, whom Tony had killed in the premiere last year. Incidentally, the hit was performed by Profaci, err, Gigi Cestone, whom I mistakenly identified as Thug #1. That's my bad, but with a cast this big and, well, ethnic, I'm having trouble keeping everyone straight. If they were all named Goldstein or Weinberger it'd be a lot easier. Tony reminisces that Philly's friends used to call him "Spoons." Except, of course, when they referred to him as "Junior's Piss Boy." Parisi, by the way, looks like a bucket of shit. He's clearly torn up by his brother's death. Despite Tony's repeated attempts to change the subject, the rest of the crew keeps asking about what it's like to be a twin. Tony finally tells him to "leave the morbid shit back at Junior's crew and have a happy birthday." Parisi cheers up a bit, and Tony tells him he can always commit suicide by tying his shoes and eating.

Carmela and Adriana are playing tennis. The Feds are out in the parking lot, watching with binoculars. When one gets a load of Adriana in her skimpy tennis outfit, he exclaims, "How green was my fucking valley!" I don't know what that means exactly, but heh. The tennis pro comes over, and Carmela gets all flirty. Unfortunately, he tells her that he's moving to San Diego because his wife got a "dot-com job." Carmela is sad to learn that he's leaving, and you can actually see her secret crush die when he mentions the wife. Okay, so maybe this is as close as we'll get to Father Intintola this week. "I didn't even know you were married," she says. So, let me get this straight -- she'll only fantasize about cheating on her husband with unmarried men? Maybe Carmela should be the one in therapy. Secret Crush Boy introduces the new, female tennis pro, and the Feds take the opportunity to leer at Adriana's ass.

Over at the high school, the Feds watch as AJ and his crew cut class. Even the marching band in the background sounds good on this show. The boys head over to the local convenience store, where they smoke cigarettes and drink peach Snapple. I remember when I used to cut class and do exactly that. Probably because it was last week. Another of their friends shows up, wearing a football jersey. The other kids all admire the shirt, especially AJ, who reaches out to touch it with an expression on his face that says he wouldn't mind catching a few passes from Jack McPhee if you know what I mean, and this time I know you do.

Meanwhile, the FBI is all over the Soprano house. They turn on the air conditioner and proceed to check sound levels all over the basement. They also search the fridge and read the mail. I ask the guy to hand me another beer while he's got the fridge open, but he just ignores me.

Cut to Meadow, sleeping in her dorm room. Combine that with the bong scene from the second episode, and you've got my entire college experience right there. Meadow's roommate enters, and the poor girl practically has the phrase "Poor Man's Joey Lauren Adams" stamped on her forehead. And the way Joey's career has been going lately, you'd have to be pretty poor indeed. Incidentally, who else thinks "The Poor Man's [insert celebrity here]" would make a good Fametracker? The roommate does the typical hick-in-the-big-city rant about how great New York is, then collapses into bed and passes out. With material like that, it's no wonder she's tired. We also get some set-up for a future drinking problem subplot, as Cheapy Amy tells us she had her last cocktail at 11:30 that morning. Careful. That's the sort of behavior that can get you named finger-cuffs.

Now we're barefoot in the park with the maid and her husband, who's played by The Poor Man's Yakov Smirnoff. She quizzes her husband with questions from the citizenship test, and he answers all of them with "Martin Luther King." That's better than saying "C" for all of them, I guess. She asks why he's so bitter, and he reminds her that back home he was an engineer with some kind of a grant for research. Now he's a cab driver. She's had it with his whining, and gets up to leave, but not before revealing that she's been pilfering silverware from the Soprano house.

At the FBI office, the agents are reviewing the video from the Soprano house. They select a location for the bug: a small goose-neck lamp on a workbench. One of the agents notices a stain on the floor beneath the water heater. At first I thought it was blood, which would have been interesting, but it turns out that the heater is leaking something important, and is destined to fail within six months. What I know about plumbing could be printed in thirty-six-point Times New Roman on the head of a pin, so I'll take their word for it.

Cut to FBI headquarters at Quantico. There's a great exterior shot that was last scene in the opening to Silence of the Lambs. Inside, the techs painstakingly assemble the bug out of a purchased lamp. They age the lamp to look exactly like photos from the Soprano house. They do a pretty good job, too. I'd be totally be fooled by that. Of course, now I'm paranoid and planning to disassemble all the light fixtures in my apartment. Or maybe I'll just wear tin foil on my head instead.

Morning in America. The Gipper is nowhere to be found, but there's Tony again, fetching the paper in his robe. Maybe they should get a dog. ["Maybe they should get a higher hedge. Put some damn pants on, T." -- Sars] The Fed out front announces that today's the big day. He watches Furio and Tony leave, and Skip follows them to the Bada Bing.

Inside, Gigi gives Tony a report on his stocks, which he's apparently getting off the internet. Before they talk any further, Tony tells him to turn off the computer, because "that cookie shit makes me nervous." Ha! Of course, without cookies, how will he know when there's new posts in the forums? Then again, if it means no more Premature-E ads (I only clicked once, I swear. Plus, it happens to every guy), I'm all for it. They discuss Parisi, who's becoming something of a problem. He's been drinking a lot, and telling people that he knows who's responsible for his brother's death. Silvio is engrossed in the TV. He's also wearing his do-rag, so I guess that would be considered a canopy bed-head. Tony finally gets his attention, and Silvio thinks the cops might have flipped him. Paulie reminds Tony that they "always have the option," but Tony doesn't want to kill Parisi just yet.

With the Soprano house now empty, the Feds prepare to move in.

Over at the club, Adriana and Carmela are receiving instruction. Every time Carmela returns a perfect shot, the instructor criticizes her. Whenever Adriana screws up, the instructor encourages her. Hmm. It's actually a lot like the ESP test scene from Ghostbusters. If Dan Ackroyd shows up, this recap is gonna be a lot more fun than I thought. Alas, Dan, much as in real-life these days, is nowhere to be found. Spies Like Us II: The Russians Strike Back, anyone? The instructor continues gushing over Adriana while Carmela gathers loose balls from around the court. There's been a lot of discussion in the forums about who knows what about who wants to do who, but since I've read the spoilers and know how this all turns out, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut. Should be interesting, though. Suddenly, Carmela gets a phone call and rushes off the court.

At the Bing, Tony comes running out as well. They all head back to the Soprano house, where the Feds are freaking. After much yelling of "Abort" and "Pull out" (which also sounds like most every date I've ever been on), the FBI manages to escape undetected. Tony and Carmela head inside.

Looks like the hot water heater finally bit the big one. I consult my plumbing pin, but it doesn't say anything about how a hundred-and-twenty-gallon heater can fill a huge basement with knee-deep water, but okay, whatever. Carmela and Tony try to save what they can, especially boxes of pictures, but everything is ruined. Hey, one of the pictures is of them at the prom. That's interesting. I had no idea they were high-school sweethearts. Given the heavy Coppola influence over the show, I just assumed they met when he came home from the Army to attend his sister's wedding.

The Feebs, on the other hand, have no idea why everyone rushed home. They're not sure if they were caught or not. While they speculate about the appearance of a plumber's truck in the driveway, the surveillance expert leaves to go do a job at a mosque in Denver.

As part of their crack investigative plan to discover why Tony came home early, the FBI decided to dress up as utility workers and quiz Jeannie Cusamano. They ask her if everything has been normal over at the Soprano house. She says it's been normal for them. "They're in the mo" she starts, but then thinks better of it. "They're just different for this neighborhood, that's all." The Feds, who know exactly what she's talking about, do a pretty good job of looking dumb.

door, the FBI is moving in on the Soprano property with binoculars and a parabolic mic. They watch Tony eating what they think are "Sugar Pops." Tony strikes me as more of an Apple Jacks kind of guy. Given my luck with the whole Steely Dan thing, he'll probably be eating them straight out of the box week. What's with the newfangled green ones, by the way? Inside, Tony is getting more bad news about Parisi from the suddenly ubiquitous Gigi Cestone, or, as I like to call him, The Poor Man's Pussy. Seeing the maid in the living room, Tony leads Gigi down into the as yet un-bugged basement.

Meanwhile, the Feds are outside, watching as Patsy Parisi approaches the Soprano house. He pulls out a pistol, and points it through the window at Tony. The Feds get nervous, and wonder how they should handle this surprising turn of events. Before he can pull the trigger, however, Parisi breaks down in tears. He considers shooting himself for a minute, but then decided to exact revenge in the most disgusting way possible: he pees in the Sopranos' pool. Looks like I'm not the only one who's taken the "Piss Boy" jokes way beyond their logical extreme. "I don't understand this at all," says an agent. Dude, just go with the flow.

Back at FBI Headquarters, they've finally discovered that the water heater is broken. There's some discussion about Tony's plumber, Mr. Ruggerio. One of the agents refers to it as "Mr. Ruggerio's neighborhood," and folks, we have a title (tm Strega). We also have an opportunity for me to point out yet another pointless detail about my life: I actually live in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood (the studios are about half a mile from my apartment). They go on to remind themselves (and presumably the viewers as well) about how important this basement bug will be. They've had Tony's phone bugged for four years, but the guy "says less than Harpo Marx," so it's critical the bug be placed the Tuesday.

It's the big day. Tony and Furio emerge from the driveway and pass the agent, giving him the finger. "They made us," he complains. And you're just noticing this now? The FBI moves in on the now-empty house. They cut the wires and head inside. Cut to the maid and her husband in the park. More arguing about citizenship and how things were better back in the old country. She gets up to leave, which forces the agent tailing her into action. He runs up and starts to quiz her about the language school, desperately trying to stall her. Eventually the husband comes over. They discuss the fact that everyone is Polish, and the agent mentions that his grandparents were Polish. So were mine. Shout-out? Back at the Soprano compound, or "sausage factory" as the FBI likes to call it, the agents are hard at work.

At the tennis club, the agents are giving a completely new meaning to the phrase "hard at work" as they ogle Adriana through the binoculars. Adriana is smoking, which I've always found to be an excellent pre-sports warm-up. Stretching is for wussies. The instructor comes over and admires Adriana's shoes. They both bend over to check them out, and the FBI guy gets treated to quite a view. By the way, Adriana wears leopard-skin undies when she works out, so now I'm really curious to see what she wears to bed. You can check out this week's Rolling Stone if you really want to know the answer to that question.

In the basement, the Feds are chagrined to notice that the lamp is no longer where it was originally. It must have gotten moved when the Red Sea was parted -- er, I mean, when the water heater broke. They bicker hilariously for a bit, and then decide to move the table back and hope no one notices.

I'm not sure who exactly deserves the "tm" on this, but whoever said that Fred Dryer is the only true Hunter was absolutely right. ["That's Daniel." -- Sars] Because here's Hunter Scangarelo, a face from the past that I had hoped we'd never see again. But here she is, right in Meadow's dorm room. Meadow introduces her to Cheapy Amy, who's zoned out on the bed. Noticing the collection of Absolut Vodka ads adorning the walls, Hunter asks Amy if she likes Jell-O shots. Amy says she hasn't been drinking for a week, and that the Health Center gave her some pills, which Hunter identifies as an anti-anxiety drug. Amy tells a rambly story about something that happened on the subway. Looks like Amy's New York Renaissance is over.

Furio drops Tony off at the Bada Bing, and then starts buffing his El Dorado, if you know what I mean, and if you don't, I actually do mean "buffing his El Dorado." Or maybe it's a Seville. I'm not really good with cars. Inside, Tony and Patsy Parisi are alone in the office. Parisi mopes a bit, and complains about business. Tony tries to ask him if there's anything wrong, gently at first. Parisi swears there's no problem, and that he's happy to be working for Tony. "And your brother? You've recovered from that shit?" asks Tony. Parisi nods slowly, but Tony makes him say it out loud, which he does, albeit not very convincingly. Tony seems satisfied with this, and gets up to leave. Who else saw the joke coming? Tony invites Parisi and his kids over, and of course, mentions that they can "go in the pool." Laugh or wince? Wince, I think.

Inside, the FBI has finally gotten the bug placed. They get out of the house, and radio their success to the head agent. "Touchdown!" he exclaims, as Sting and three white guys no one's ever heard of come pouring out of the house. Okay, that was a pretty lame police/Police joke, but Sars rightly anticipated that I would be likely to stoop to such bottomless depths of wordplay, so I felt compelled to oblige.

Cut from the "touchdown" line to -- wait for it -- football practice. In the background, we see the agents assigned to tail AJ peeling off.

Morning yet again. Tony fetches the paper yet again. I make a macro that says "Tony fetches the paper," and then I realize that this is the last time he does it. He goes back inside, and the Feds use the bug to overhear what seems to be a very interesting conversation. "I've got a job for you. It could get messy, it's wet work, but I can make it worth your while." One of the agents practically creams his jeans, and then we cut back inside.