We open with dinner at the Soprano house. Carmela tells the family that Hunter got into Reed College. Meadow instantly starts whining that Hunter wanted to get into Reed, and she would have died if she hadn't gotten in. AJ says that Meadow hasn't been accepted to any colleges yet. Carmela explains to AJ that Hunter applied early acceptance to Reed, and in doing so couldn't apply to any other colleges. Meadow applied to several, including Georgetown. Meadow says that if she could get into Georgetown, she could get into Berkeley. Tony finally speaks: "Over my dead body." Meadow says that there are more Nobel Prize winners in the Bay area "than anywhere on the planet." Tony asks if they received their Nobel Prizes for "packing fudge." Carmela gives Tony a warning look. I'm surprised there's no reaction shot from AJ. Tony says that Meadow can go anywhere she wants, but he's not paying for Berkeley. AJ pipes up that he wants to go to Harvard or West Point. Tony says that AJ can look at those schools on television, because unless his grades improve, he's not going anywhere near those schools. He tells AJ he has to "crack the books."
Cut to "crack the safe." The camera pulls back from a security guard passed out on the ground to Christopher and the Monkey Boys hammering on a safe. Sean is squatting in another room with his pants off as Matt hammers and Christopher watches. The security guard moans a little, and Matt threatens to beat him again. The place sells stockings, and Sean asks how many stockings you'd have to sell to keep a shop like that. Christopher says he doesn't care. Matt asks if Sean is ever going to stop squatting in the other room. Christopher explains that the adrenaline affects everyone differently. He says that when Big Pussy started as a cat burglar, he'd leave piles of poo so big the cops thought bears had broken in. These are things I don't need to know about mob life. I don't need to know that it's common for robbers to take a shit on your floor because they can't handle the rush of breaking into your place and stealing your things. Sean asks if Big Pussy really started out by doing jobs like this. Christopher says he did, until he "stepped up for Jerry Soprano during the unrest of '83." Sean says that, back then, you got noticed when you did something. Christopher says when your time comes, you either step up or find a new career. Sean wipes his ass with a stocking as Matt and Christopher start yanking the safe door open.
Tony and Carmela are in bed. Carmela has the sound too loud on the infomercial playing on the television, and Tony wakes up. He tells Carm to take a Xanax. She asks why Meadow's obsessed with Berkeley. She says it's like Meadow wants to move as far away as possible. Tony says that's exactly what Meadow is doing. "That's her job." Carm says it's not funny, and asks Tony what he's going to do if Meadow gets into Berkeley and not Notre Dame or Georgetown. Tony says that Meadow's in the National Honors Society. Heh. Carm tells Tony not to be so naïve. This is true. I know people that never passed a test that were in the Honors Society. I also know that being in the NHS doesn't mean shit on your transcript. She says that Hunter got into Reed because her uncle went there. Carm says that this is the second generation baby boom, and these days you need to know someone or have your name on a building to get into college. Tony asks what Carm wants him to do, and goes back to sleep. He pounds his pillow for emphasis.
Richie sits around listening to Sinatra. Paulie and Silvio show up. Richie asks if someone left a cage open at the Turtleback Zoo. ["Hee! My first school field trip as a bitty little Sars was to the 'T-Back' to feed the goats with my kindergarten class. It's seriously the saddest 'zoo' ever; I think the panther was actually a guy in a costume. Anyway." -- Sars] Paulie and Silvio are there to talk about Beansie. Silvio says that Beansie might never walk again. Paulie says, "Never say never." Richie says that they should say never, and that Beansie is now a "shopping cart." Paulie tells Richie that he has to build Beansie a ramp. They want Richie to build a ramp to make Beansie's house handicap accessible. They say it'll be a "gesture." "Maybe while I'm over there I could fuck his wife," Richie says. Silvio says that Richie can call over his nephew in the building trade. Richie asks if they're serious. Paulie reminds Richie that he's a captain now, and that it'll be best if he does this. He tells him to build the ramp. Richie sighs and says calmly, "I'll build a ramp up to your ass. Drive a Lionel up in there." Paulie and Silvio don't say anything, but Silvio nods a few times like, "He's good. He's very good."
Carmela runs to her backyard fence to say hello to Jeannie Cusamano. Jean's putting her roses to bed. Jean clearly is overcompensating for her fear of Carmela with kindness. Carmela spouts off a list of times she tried to reach Jean but couldn't get her. She says she's been knocking on the door, but Jean hasn't answered. Jean sees that Carmela is onto her. Carmela adds that she thought she saw Jean at the mall, but it turned out to be her twin sister Joan. Using the skillful art of segue, Carmela asks if Joan went to Georgetown. Jean says that Joan has practically changed her name to Georgetown, and is still active in the college. Carmela starts chasing Jean down her side of the fence to keep the conversation going, even though Jean is desperately trying to get away. Carmela tells Jean that Meadow has applied to Georgetown, and that she's "praying to Jesus" that she'll get in because otherwise Meadow might go to Berkeley instead. Jean says that Joan is really busy and doesn't know Meadow very well. Carmela says that Jean knows Meadow, so she can tell her sister how great a kid Meadow is. Jean eventually caves and says she'll talk to her sister about it. Carmela never loses her cool, continuing to play the nice neighborly housewife as she thanks Jean and leaves.
Beansie's physical therapist is helping him out of his wheelchair when Richie walks into the hospital room. Richie asks the nurse to excuse them for a few minutes. Beansie says no. The nurse asks Beansie if he's okay. Richie says that Beansie's too proud to accept friendly concern. Beansie asks the nurse to stay right outside. She leaves. Beansie asks Richie why he didn't just kill him. Richie asks whose idea was the ramp. Beansie doesn't know anything about a ramp. Richie tells him that if he needs anything, he should talk to Richie directly. Beansie says he doesn't want jackshit from Richie. Richie says he'll leave, then. He leans down and whispers into Beansie's ear that if he goes crying to Tony one more time, he's going to send Beansie's arms to where his legs are. Man, poor Beansie.
Christopher is knocking on Adriana's mother's door. Mama Adriana, Liz, won't let Christopher in. She says he's not welcome. Christopher busts into the house anyway and yells to Adriana at the top of the stairs: "What the fuck, Adriana? I'm sorry. Okay? How many times do I have to fucking call here?" Lloyd Dobler he's not. Adriana tells Christopher that she hates him, so he tells her that he wants to marry her. He says that he loves her and misses her as Liz starts to call the police. Christopher grabs the phone and pushes Liz out of the way and tells Adriana he loves her and he got her a ring. Liz tells Adriana she's wasting her youth on Christopher, but Adriana pushes her away. "I hear you sobbing in your bed at night!" Liz shouts at her. But Adriana has already melted away for Christopher. Liz says she won't welcome Adriana back the time she's hurt, but Adriana's not listening. She loves the ring. It's three carats. She hugs Christopher and coos his name. And that's what we call "dysfunctional." ["Growing up in Jersey, on the other hand, it's what we'd have called 'typical.'" -- Sars]
Junior and Tony meet up with Richie. They're discussing bootleg videotapes they have of movies that haven't been released yet. Apparently, they're doing this without telling Johnny Sack. Junior excuses himself, saying he's not allowed to be seen with known felons. Richie bitches to Tony about having to build the ramp, and Tony smiles. He tells him that it was his idea. He tells Richie to build the ramp. "Terrible accident that kid had," Junior chimes in here. Richie pulls Tony over to his car and says he has something for him. He pulls out "The Jacket." Tony doesn't know what "The Jacket" means. The jacket used to belong to Rocco DiMeo, and Richie somehow beat the jacket off of him. Rocco was a tough man, apparently. Richie tells Tony to put the jacket on. He says he's giving it to Tony now. He quotes the Tao: "You got to shut one door before another one can open." Junior berates Bacala in the background about how to put something in the trunk as Tony tries on the jacket. Richie says it looks perfect. "You look like Robert Evans over here." Junior and Bacala look down, and Tony awkwardly thanks Richie.
Carmela is going through the mail when she finds an envelope from Berkeley. She opens the letter and finds that Meadow's application isn't complete because her high school transcripts had some kind of problem. The letter says that Meadow needs to send along her transcripts again immediately, or her application won't be processed. Carmela puts the letter back in the envelope and puts the letter in the trash. I wonder if that's what my mom did with my own applications to out-of-state schools.
Christopher and the Monkey Boys are back at work again, and Sean's taking another dump in a corner. I really have a hard time watching this stuff, and I'm not usually so wimpy about my television, but do they have to do all of the silly farting noises? We can figure it out without the Foley artist going nuts on his whoopee cushion. Christopher tells the Monkey Boys that Tony's cut goes out of their end, not his. Matt and Sean say they understand that. Christopher says he needed the money for Adriana's ring. Sean says she's a hottie. "She loves me and these are her childbearing years," Christopher says, reinforcing my fear that men actually think these things about women and that's what makes them decide to get married. Sean says that he can just hire a woman to clean his clothes and cook, and the others agree that it makes a lot of sense to do that. Matt tells Sean that he's not allowed to eat any more burritos before they work.
Late at night, Carmela walks into the kitchen and takes the letter from Berkeley out of the garbage. She wipes the gunk off the envelope. At least Carmela didn't take a squat over by the recycling bin.
Two men show up at Beansie's house and tell Gia Gaeta (Mrs. Beansie) that they're here to install the ramp. She doesn't know what ramp they're talking about, and asks if they're from some physical therapy place. They say that they're with Richie, and Gia says that she will not accept anything from Richie since he almost killed Beansie. She slams the door on them, and Richie's cousin (or nephew?) says he's not going to tell Richie that he can't do the job, so they call their men over to start working on the house as they knock on Gia's door again.
Matt and Sean show up at Richie's Lair. Richie never even turns around as Matt and Sean talk to him, which I love. Richie asks if they're working with Christopher. Matt says that they are. Richie says that Christopher has a lot of attitude. He also calls him a "camel-nosed fuck." Matt and Sean start laughing, so Richie continues with his new stand-up routine. He's going on and on about Christopher's nose, about how he can smoke a cigarette in a rainstorm and shit because of his big nose. Then all three of them are all "no disrespect," and start saying that Christopher is all salt of the earth and stuff because he's practically Tony's son and everything. Richie dismisses them by telling them to let him know if they can ever do anything for him. Richie is loving the adoration. I love Richie loving the adoration.
Jeannie and Joannie are played by the same woman. Jean shows up at Joan's office and tells Joan that she thinks she "goofed." She says that Carmela Soprano wants a letter of recommendation for Meadow. Joan says she's not writing a letter that will put mob blood on the Georgetown campus. Jean's nervous. Joan wants Jean to stand up for herself. I don't know why the women in this show have to always say their sentences in broken fragments like questions with their voices all high and incredulous. "That I'm busy? Which I am? That I don't even know the girl?" Jean says it's just a letter. Joan says no. Jean says that the Sopranos are her neighbors. Joan asks if Jean thinks she'll be put in cement boots over an application. Jean says she just wants to be polite. Joan says she's already writing a letter for a nice Dominican boy from the projects with a 5.2 average. Jean tries the whole "I knew you wouldn't do it" reverse psychology thing, but that doesn't work on Joan either. Joan tells Jean to deal with it. Jean sighs.
Richie and Janice have stopped by the Soprano house to pick up some of Livia's furniture. Richie calls Livia "Ma," which Tony hears. Carmela adds them to the dinner table, along with her parents and AJ. Meadow isn't there yet. Richie sits at the foot of the table. Richie says that he missed friends and family all of these years. Tony laughs. Carmela tells him that he's always welcome. Carmela says she hopes everyone is hungry for crown roast. Carmela's mother stands up to help, and Carmela tells her to sit down. Then she adds, "Janice, sit down," even though Janice is just sitting there pouring some wine. Carmela leaves to get the roast, and Tony starts smiling again. He tells Janice to sit down again; Janice gives him a look. Richie asks how The Jacket is doing. He explains to Janice that he gave Tony a jacket. Tony says it's "terrific," and then excuses himself to get the knife for the roast.
In the kitchen, Carmela compliments Tony on his behavior out in the dining room. Tony says he just wants to keep Richie where he can see him. "That's what we mean when we say family," Carmela says as she kisses his cheek. Tony jabs the knife into the roast and walks off with it. Meadow runs into the kitchen and apologizes for being late. Carmela complains and Meadow whines and they bicker quickly about her being late. Meadow goes through her mail, and the phone rings right as Meadow asks why the letter from Berkeley is all covered in gunk. It's Jean on the phone, telling Carmela that Joan can't write the letter of recommendation because she's already writing a letter of recommendation for someone else. She tells Carmela about how he's Dominican and from the projects, but she also adds that he's got a crack addict mother and cerebral palsy, and that's when she loses Carm. Carm asks why Joan can't write more than one letter, and Jean suggests that Carmela get a letter from their priest and then quickly gets off the phone. Meadow asks what the phone call was all about, but Carm says it was nothing.
Joan's office. Joan's assistant tells her that Carmela has shown up. Before Joan can finish saying, "Send her in," Carmela's already walking into the office, all smiles and food gifts. She asks if this is a bad time. "Always," Joan smiles fakely with her arms wide open. Carmela gives Joan a pie. She says her mother's foot surgeon is in the neighborhood. Joan says she knows why Carm is there. She says that she knows Carmela wants her to write a letter of recommendation. "Fielder, is it?" she asks. Carmela corrects her on Meadow's name. Joan says she can't. Carmela has brought an envelope with Meadow's grades, SAT scores, and teacher comments. Joan says the admissions office will probably see that Meadow would be a good addition to Georgetown. Carmela says the "sad fact" is that that's not true these days. Joan apologizes and says she can't do anything. "I don't think you understand," Carmela says with a smile. "I want you to write that letter." Joan asks if Carmela is threatening her. Carmela laughs and says, "What threatening?" She says she just brought a pie, and Meadow's transcripts so that Joan can write a letter of recommendation. Joan says she's an officer of the court. Carmela says that Joan is just a lawyer. She smiles and says, "Don't make me beg here." Joan says she's written her last letter of support. Carmela starts constructing the lie that Joan's going to tell when she submits Meadow's letter of recommendation and then stops herself, saying she's not going to tell Joan what to write. She says she left her mother in the car with the foot. She puts down the envelope and says, "Thanks for this." Carmela leaves as Joan sits back and sighs. She's not the mob boss's wife for nothing, folks.
The Monkey Boys are pouting at the Bada Bing. Tony shows up and walks into the bathroom. They freak out and wonder if they should go say hello. They agree that they should go talk to him in the bathroom and introduce themselves, so they start grooming each other. I totally thought at this point that they'd end up getting caught making out or something, and they'd get whacked for being in love. Does the Mob have a "don't ask, don't tell" rule?
In the bathroom, Matt stands to Tony and pees. He introduces himself and Sean. Tony says he knows who they are. He asks how Matt's doing. Matt answers by telling Tony that he's like to break his dick off inside one of the dancers. Tony smiles and walks over to the sink. Sean starts to talk business to Tony, but before he can get three words out, Tony's choking him, calling him a "stupid little shit-eating twat" and reminding him that there are such things as wire taps. Tony storms out. Matt and Sean start bickering with each other about who fucked up.
Richie shows up at a meeting that Paulie and Silvio have called at the café. They say that Gia told them that Richie's men ripped up her house and then haven't been back to install the ramp. Richie says he needed his men to do some work on Livia's house, and since Livia is Tony's mother, he figured she was more important than ol' Beansie and his fucking ramp. Tony shows up at this point and sits down. Richie says the other two won't shut up about the ramp. Tony says that he should relax and sit down. He'll buy him some coffee. Richie sits down and starts asking about The Jacket. Tony says it's in the car. Richie brags to Silvio and Paulie about the jacket again as Tony shifts around in his chair.
Carmela's watching Rosie in the kitchen as Jeannie lets herself in. She's returning the casserole dish, thanking Carmela for the food. She says that Joan read Meadow's transcripts and was "knocked the fuck out" by the teacher recommendations, and she sat right down and wrote a letter of recommendation for her. Carmela asks if she has a copy of the letter. Jean says she doesn't, but she can get a copy for her. Jean is clearly terrified. Carmela gives Jean a mob hug, and Jean says again that Joan was impressed with the transcripts.
The Monkey Boys are getting high in their underwear, watching videos on their gigantic HDTV. See? Here's where I thought they'd get caught for being in love. Who sits around like this, watching movies and getting high? Do boys all sit around in their boxer-briefs all muscular and oiled as they watch men rap? But I'm wrong. There's a knock at the door. The pounding continues as Sean stupidly hides his bong under a section of the throw rug, so it looks like a bong under a rug, and Matt hides the gun in the couch. Sean goes to the door and sees that it's Furio and another man. By the way, Furio is my favorite, because he shares a name with the high-quality fake-wood furniture at Target. Matt says to let them in. Furio just keeps pounding until Sean opens the door. Sean is pretty in his underwear, by the way. Furio asks for the money. Matt asks what money. "The boss money," Furio says. There is much bumbling and fumbling as Sean gets the money from a jar in the back. Furio does a small Italian ad for HDTV. Sean hands the money over, and Furio asks for an additional one thousand dollars. Sean and Matt call bullshit, but then they give him the money anyway. Furio tells the other henchmen in Italian that Matt and Sean like to suck each other's cocks. Matt asks what he said, and Furio makes kissy-faces. They leave without closing the door. Damn, Furio's cool.
Christopher and Adriana just finished having sex, prompting Adriana to moan, "Jesus fucking mother of Christ, Christopher," which is the dream of at least five men I know. Christopher lights a cigarette and offers one to Adriana, but she says she'll just share his. He says if he'd known the sex was going to get better and better, he would have asked her to marry him sooner. She pinches his nipple for implying that it might not have been good before. Then she coos that she loves her ring. Christopher says that Tony was right. He's going to focus now. No more drugs. "Eye on the prize." He says he's going to rededicate himself. Adriana says she doesn't know why they always fight. Christopher says it's his fault: "I don't always communicate my needs." Heh. They talk about how much they love each other, and kiss.
Carmela listens to Sting's "Fields of Gold" as she works on a sketch of AJ. Richie walks in and brings a plate of tripe he made for Carmela as a thank you for dinner on Sunday night. Recapping this show makes me gain ten pounds a week. Carmela says the kids are going to "freak out" when they see it. I'll say. She offers Richie a cup of coffee. He accepts. Carmela asks about Janice. Richie says it's ironic the way that life works -- twenty years later, back where they started. "For every shoe, there is a mate," Carmela says. I so wish that was the title of this episode. Carmela's housekeeper enters the kitchen and says that her husband is there to pick up the things in the basement that Carmela is giving them. Carmela tells her to go right ahead. She tells Richie that they have too many televisions. As Liliana and her husband Stasiu walk by, Richie sees that Liliana's husband is wearing The Jacket. Carmela tells Liliana where to find the remote. She starts telling Richie about how Liliana and Stasiu don't have much, and how Stasiu was an important engineer in Poland but here he can hardly make any money. Richie, fuming over the insult to The Jacket, is no longer listening, and when Carmela asks him what's wrong, he excuses himself and leaves. I love this show.
Bada Bing. The Monkey Boys are pouting. They can't get a hold of Christopher. They look around the room at the other made men. Matt shakes his head and says, "This is fucked." He says they're like two scared rabbits. Douche bags. He says they aren't doing anything. Sean says they're just getting started. Matt says they have to do something. Sean agrees that they have to do something to get ahead.
Meadow is furious because Liliana was in her room. Carmela is just reading through the mail, commenting on the different CD-ROMs that come in the mail from Internet providers. She says it's wasteful. Meadow is still pissed, and Carmela tells Meadow that Liliana had to go in there for laundry because Meadow had half of the bath towels in her room. They fight about Meadow's room. Meadow says that she's eighteen and she's not going to be living there much longer. She says she can take care of herself. She tells Carmela to "bug out," which I don't think anyone's said since sometime in 1992. Carmela suddenly gets a calm about her and says that Meadow is right. She can take care of herself. Meadow thanks her. Carmela says that Meadow is going to be going to college soon, and she shouldn't interfere. Meadow slowly backs away, completely mistrusting her mother's mild tone. Carmela smiles.
Melfi's office. Tony tells Melfi he doesn't have anything to talk about, but since it's Tuesday at three, they have to talk about something. He thinks of something. He tells her about how he gave Meadow Eric's car because of the gambling debt. He says that he knew Meadow would be upset to get her friend's car, and she'd know how he got it. He was rubbing his daughter's face in his business to remind her of how he made a living. He says that all of these years, he'd been protecting her, and now he's not. He's trying to let Meadow know that he's a good father, while Eric's dad appears to be a good father even though he's an asshole degenerate gambling fuckhead. Tony's words, not mine. Melfi points out that Eric is one of those "happy wanderers" that Tony hates. "How do you remember this shit?" Tony asks. Melfi says that Tony might have been trying to show Meadow what the real world is like before she leaves for school. That what he did was rather noble, teaching her about the truth in the world. "Teaching her to fly." Tony remarks that it's amazing that Melfi can turn something terrible he did into something admirable. Melfi says they're getting to something. He says time's up. She says that they have plenty of time. He says he's done talking. End of scene.
Christopher is on his cell phone, walking to his car. He's saying he can't believe he has to go somewhere to see if a ramp is being built. As he hangs up, a car pulls up. Sean's in the passenger seat. He says hello to Christopher. Chris says hi back. Sean pulls out a gun and starts firing away. Christopher is hit several times in the chest and arms. He hits the ground and grabs his gun. Matt stops the car and gets out. Sean is trapped in the car inside his seat belt. Christopher fires and hits Sean in the head, killing him instantly. The car starts to lurch forward and almost hits Matt. Matt fires some more. Christopher and Matt trade bullets until Christopher sets off a car alarm and Matt runs away. The camera pans up from shells on the street to Christopher, out cold.
Matt runs into Richie's Lair. He asks if Richie heard what happened to Christopher. Richie heard that somebody blew him away. Matt says that they did it for Richie "as a favor." Richie asks what the fuck he's talking about. "'Cause you didn't like him," Matt whines. "So what?" Richie asks. Matt says that Christopher hit Richie's niece. Richie freaks out, saying that the last thing he needs is for Tony to think he had something to do with this, and tells Matt to get the fuck out of his house. He chases Matt down the street with a bat, calling Matt a dumb fuck. Matt says he's with Richie now, and Richie says he'll kill him.
Christopher's hospital room. Pan across from Christopher, in some kind of coma, to Tony. "How could this happen?" he asks in a husky voice as we fade to black.