By Aaron
Before we go any further, major props to Miss Parker for coming up with the Monkey Boys name, which is absolutely perfect. I've been wracking my admittedly meager brain cells for two weeks now trying to come up with a name for them, and I'm incredibly thankful that I can now return those cells to their regularly scheduled duties of plotting world domination and storing obscure film quotations.
Fade up on a highly Kubrickian wide-angle shot of a sterile white classroom. The instructor informs us that this is the Series 7 test for NASD stockbroker licenses. As he reads the roll, it strikes me that the set and camera angle are almost identical to the Foreign Service Boards test scene in Spies Like Us. If Chevy Chase shows up in a cast, this recap is gonna be a lot more fun that I thought it would. But alas, Chevy, much as in real-life these days, is nowhere to be found. Instead, the proctor calls for Christopher Moltisanti, and we get a hearty heh as an Asian kid answers, "Here."
And now it's time for a quick "Where Are They Now?" montage. "It Was A Very Good Year" plays as we get shots of all the various cast members. Before I tell you what they're up to, I just have to say that every time I hear this song, I'm instantly reminded of the Muppets version with Stadler and Waldorf. No real reason for that; I just felt you should know. Anyway, first we see Livia in the hospital, then various members of the crew counting their money. Carmela cooks, Junior is jailed, Moltisanti mopes, and Melfi is miserable meeting patients at a motel. Matching shots of Tony & Paulie with their goomahs, and Tony sneaking back home and washing his shirt. Finally the song ends as Tony wakes up, and the sunlight streams in across his face.
Cut to Tony, in open bathrobe and boxers (plus some nasty-ass bedhead), fetching the paper at the end of his driveway. If his criminal activities weren't enough to convince the Cusamanos to move, this just might. He spots a suspicious-looking car in the street, and starts hightailing it back into the house. The car door opens, and Big Pussy emerges, hands over his head. Tony feels stupid for panicking, and yells at Pussy. They decide to go inside to chat, even though Pussy is clearly afraid Tony will whack him as soon as they get in the front door.
They walk inside and exchange awkward small talk. Tony compliments him on his tan, calling him "the tan ghost." "You're a good guy, Tony," Pussy replies, "but you abuse that jokey shit." Oh, if only I had a nickel for every time someone told me that. I could buy, well, at least a Presidential pardon, if not a whole heck of a lot more. Pussy explains that he ran because everyone thought he was the rat, but he wasn't. Sure you weren't. Whatever you say there, Mr. Ratty McRatfink. At this point we hear Carmela and the kids upstairs, and the men adjourn to the basement.
Downstairs, Tony goes off. He says he deserved an explanation, and proceeds to chase Pussy around the room, smacking him and yelling, "Who's your boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss?" That's exactly what Sars does when we turn in our recaps late. Whoops. There I go again, abusing that jokey shit. Sorry. Pussy finally explains. He was in Puerto Rico getting treatment for his back, and he fell in love with his twenty-six-year-old acupuncturist. I'm betting acupuncturists are really good in bed, since they know where all the pressure points are. Carmela yells down to ask who's there, and when she gets no response, she snots at Tony to bring up two cases of bottled water. Pussy explains further that he came back because he needed the money, what with two kids in college and a third getting married. Finally, Tony caves and they hug. Just as I'm thinking, "Aww, isn't that sweet," I notice Tony getting a little handsy (presumably because he's checking for wires, but if you let your mind run with the possibilities here, it's kinda fun. Gross, but fun). Pussy notices as well, and backs off. He grabs his crotch and asks if Tony wants to pat that down too. Tony shrugs, and offers a real hug. Pussy, who (nickname aside) is clearly the yin to Tony's raging gay yang, accepts, and is welcomed home.
Now we're back upstairs. Tony and Pussy chat with Meadow and Carmela in the background. Pussy asks about Junior, but it's really just an excuse for some fairly transparent exposition about Philly Parisi, Junior's henchman. Tony calls him "Junior's piss boy," and I just know I'm gonna be quoting History of the World for the two weeks.
Cut to the now fully exposited Philly, as he climbs into his car and drives off. Now cut to JFK (the airport, not the President), where Paulie drives up with a random thug. He tosses a suitcase to Thug #1, and then leaves. Thug #1 enjoys a refreshing cigarette for a few moments, and then Philly pulls up. Thug #1 climbs into the car, and they drive off. "Were you waiting long?" "Just a few minutes." Again, saw it coming, but heh. They chat about Boston, which is where Thug #1 was apparently supposed to be on the lam. Hey, I was born in Boston. Shout-out? Thug #1 describes my birth-place as being "like Scranton with clams." That's a pretty crappy shout-out. Especially since I just had to make a business trip to Scranton. Nice town, but you just can't get good clams there. Thug #1 asks about Tony, and Philly basically recaps the first season. Tony tried to kill his poor, helpless momma, and this after he imprisoned her in a nursing home. Thug #1 warns Philly not to spread rumors like that. Then he waits until Philly pulls over before blowing the Piss Boy's brains all over the front seat. Thug #1 climbs out of the car, holding his ears and grimacing. He climbs into the waiting Paulie's car, and they drive off.
Establishing shot of a cheap-looking motel off a turnpike somewhere. The door opens, and Melfi and a patient emerge. He asks when her office will be ready. She says the carpet still isn't in, and he seems to buy it. She goes back into the room, and the phone rings. It's Tony. He tells her that it's safe to go back to her office now. She wants to know how he got the number, and asks if he's watching her. She hangs up and rushes outside, but there doesn't seem to be anyone there.
Across town, Christopher is asleep at his desk in some stockbroker's office. There's about two dozen brokers outside his door, making cold calls to try and sell a stock that I've decided to spell W-A-B-I-S-T-I-X. That's a total guess, though. It's also fun to let your mind run with the possibilities as to what a company named "Wabistix" might produce. Right now I'm leaning towards some sort of a cracker-based snack product, but my friend swears it sounds like some kind of internet porn site. Adrianna comes in, and wakes Chris up with "So E.F., I'm listening." Raise your hand if you're old enough to get that reference. That's what I thought. Adrianna convinces Chris to take the day off and go out to the shore. Chris puts the Monkey Boys in charge and heads off. One of the brokers refers to Wabistix as the Yahoo, which I guess shoots down my cracker theory. On the other hand, Yahoo does sound like it could be a porn site (Note to Yahoo's lawyers: No, it doesn't). Then the Monkey Boys catch one of the brokers offering a stock besides Wabistix and proceed to beat the crap out him right there at his desk. Sars's "who's your boss?" thing is starting to look pretty good right about now. Monkey Boy From A Bronx Tale asks, "Anyone else got a problem with Wabistix?" Yeah -- how the hell do you spell it?
At the Bada-Bing, Tony is meeting with Hesh and his lawyer, who's name I don't know, but who Sars will probably identify for you right here: "Neil Mink." -- Sars Hesh thanks Tony for putting him into Wabistix, and the lawyer proceeds to explain that Junior will likely be getting out of prison on a medical house arrest. He advises Tony to run his operations "bunker-style. Just peer out through the slit." With this, Tony's phone rings. It's Carmela, who informs him that his sister has arrived. Just like last week's West Wing, everyone keeps guessing the wrong sister. When Tony learns that it's Janice, he wonders what the scam will be this time. "Whatever it is, I'll be five grand lighter by the time she rain-dances back to Seattle." So I'm guessing Janice might be a little different from the Sopranos we've experienced so far. Livia doesn't really strike me as the rain-dancing type. Or the Seattle type, for that matter. Tony tells Carmela to invite the whole family, except Livia, over for a reunion. Then he hangs up looking pissed. Tony: "My sister's here from Seattle." Hesh: "Nice."
More Bada Bing, but later. The gang is all gathered around the pool table. Silvio enters, looking for Pussy. Aren't we all? Well, okay, not all of us, but still. "Where is he? Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks," exclaims Mr. Van Zandt. I can't believe I'm saying this, but we may be seeing a "Homoeroticism, Yeah!" thread in the Sopranos forum soon. Pussy inquires about all his former business operations, and Paulie tells him that they've been keeping everything for him. Well, not everything. "A few things got lost in the confusion. I'm sure you can understand." I think maybe a few things got lost into Paulie's pockets, but that's about it. Pussy asks to hear Silvio's Godfather impersonations, and suddenly I've gone from MBTV's Official Religion In The Desert Recapper to MBTV's Official Francis Ford Coppola Reference Interpreter. This is so unfair. Stee gets to hang with half-naked hos at Coppola's beach house on Temptation Island, and I'm over here watching Bruce Springsteen's old guitar player imitate Al Pacino, except it's more like he's imitating Pesci imitating Pacino. It's all about the Pesci on this show. And the Pussy, apparently, as we get a long shot of the Bing dancers while Paulie comes over to pull Tony aside and tell him that Pussy's Puerto Rico thing checked out. Tony looks thoughtful.
Breakfast at Sopranos. Janice (Parvati...Parcheesi...whatever) bemoans the loss of her ergonomic pillow, which got stolen at a bus station in Rapid City. In addition to my sojourn to scenic Scranton, I've also been to Rapid City, and let me tell you, an ergonomic pillow would the most fun that town's seen in years. Meadow, AJ, Carmela, and I all look at Janice with bemused grins. Tony comes downstairs behind them, and again with the open robe and boxers. I so feel for the costume intern that has to sew all his flies shut so nothing flops out. Tony and Janice greet each other warmly, and Meadow seems happy to see her Dad being so affectionate. Tony teases Janice about being in therapy. She says that the state pays for it, because after recovering from her Epstein-Barr, she now has chronic carpal tunnel syndrome. Good thing I've got an ergonomic keyboard, otherwise I'd be right there with her. he makes fun of her outfit (which is pretty nasty), and she says she picked it up in Seattle. Tony tells AJ, "If I ever see those grunge pants on you, you'll be on the ground looking up." What the hell are grunge pants? I guess they're flannel or something, but who wears flannel pants? Meadow asks Dad how he stays "so hip." I'm not sure James Gandolfini has hips at this point. Sweet fancy Moses (tm Jessica), close the robe! Janice goes outside to smoke, and Carmela criticizes Tony for jumping on Janice's case right away. Oh hello, pot. Have you met the kettle? He's black, you know.
Outside, Tony joins Janice and asks for a drag of her cigarette and tries to hide it from Carmela. "Ahh," she says, "who's in charge here?" They make small talk. He asks about her boyfriend, whom he thinks is named Adolph. She tells him "Rolf" went back to Andora. Uh, okay. Whatever. She asks about Livia, and Gandolfini replies, "She's dead to me," with such perfect delivery that I'm still laughing as I type this. Or maybe that's just because "Gandolfini" is a lot of fun to type, what with all the Os and Is. Try it. Gandolfini. Gandolfini. Gandolfini. Janice says she'll never forget that Tony stayed behind and took the brunt of Mom's wrath. Tony reminds her that she forgot for the past twenty years. He tells her that Livia's stroke is fake, except he does it by tossing out terms like "conversion reaction" and "repressed rage." I'm not sure if that means he's had too much therapy or if he needs more. He says that "Ma is the devil," and big sis replies that she was, but now she's just "a confused, frightened old woman." Janice asks for a few hundred bucks to fix Livia's car so she can take care of her. When she mentions that she might take Mom back to Seattle with her, Tony immediately coughs up the dough. "If you want to play Florence Nightingale, that's your business," he says. As the scene ends, we get a long, lingering shot of the pool. No ducks, though.
Back at the Bing, Christopher comes to see Tony. There's a beautifully orchestrated tracking shot where Christopher starts out being visible in the mirror and then appears for real as he winds through the room. As someone who's been behind the camera, I know how hard that kind of shot is, and they nailed it. As soon as he gets close, Tony reaches out and grabs Christopher by the chin. He chews him out for letting the Monkey Boys beat up the broker. Plus, they stole a Porsche right out of the parking garage. Tony tells Christopher to be professional, hang out at the office, and most importantly, "exercise some impulse control."
Livia's house. Tony, Carmela, and a real-estate agent are wandering around inside. The place has been thoroughly trashed. The agent explains that kids from the local high school broke a window and threw a party. "You don't even want to see the toilets," she tells them, and she's right. We don't. The agent goes to check the rest of the house, and Carmela, because she's like that, starts in on Tony right away. She tells him that he can't be in a bad mood because of the family reunion that weekend, and that she also needs him to pick up some sausage for the party. "Yeah, yeah, how many pounds do you want? Hot or sweet?" he asks, and oddly enough, that's exactly what they asked me when I signed up for a dating service last month. Carmela rants on and on about all the guests who'll be there, but Tony's ears don't prick up until she mentions that her parents will be there. "Oh really? You mean now that the dragon lady is gone, they'll deign to set foot in our house?" Except he pronounces "deign" as "dwain," which sounds more like Gandalf than Gandolfini if you know what I mean, and I hope some of you do. Carmela reminds Tony that Livia has said some pretty horrible things to them over the years. My first response to that was, so what? Just ignore her. But we get a sample later on, and it was pretty nasty. Tony says he's not defending her, and promises to be a good little boy at the party. Carmela suggests going back to therapy again, but he shoots that idea down pretty quick. The Special (Real-Estate) Agent in Charge of Convenient Disappearances (no, not Mulder) returns and tells them that they "should really see what they did to the bedroom."
At the brokerage, Christopher is apologizing for the Monkey Boys' behavior. Then he calls them into the office for a stern dressing-down. He asks them to refresh his memory on the Wabistix thing, which immediately translates to "please provide much needed exposition on this subplot." They explain the concept of "pump-and-dump," and how they're pawning all the stock off on old ladies. It's up to eighty, though, and they want to sell. Christopher teaches a little Racketeering 101, laying down the primary rule: "When you're bleeding a guy, you don't bleed him dry right away. You wait, so you can bleed him week, and the week after." Before I can get nervous at the prospect of a leech-related subplot, Christopher goes on to tell them, "If any more Porsches disappear, make it two towns over, and I want a taste." "You're the man," answers the less hairy Monkey Boy (a.k.a. Mr. A Bronx Tale), and I'm forced to add the "now, dawg" part myself.
Janice and Meadow arrive at Livia's hospital room. Janice leaves to get something from the cafeteria, and Meadow goes over to chat. Fade to later, as Meadow tries to feed her something off a tray. "Just let me die," croaks Livia, and while it probably doesn't sound like it here, major heh. I'm saving my Nancy Marchand tribute for the real season-premiere recap, but man, she will be missed. She goes on, "I saw a light. Voices calling out to me." Meadow pretty much ignores this and asks if she's heard from Tony. "That one. He blames me for everything," she says. "Yeah, me too," responds Meadow, and they hug. It's a nice moment that gets spoiled by the hideously awful dubbing of Meadow's line, which is also too lame to repeat here. Livia tells Meadow to take what's in the drawer beside her bed, and it turns out to be a ring that belonged to her (Livia's) grandmother. "It's so you won't forget me." Meadow is obviously moved by this gesture, and there's more hugging and crying.
Cut to Tony in his Suburban, and he's rocking out to "Smoke on the Water." That's odd. I always thought of Tony as more of a Steely Dan kind of guy. I mean, someone's got to be listening to them, right? Someone? Anyone? Anyway, Tony is totally grooving as he cruises along, but then the CD starts to skip. He bangs on the dashboard in anger, but it keeps skipping. As he huffs and puffs and smacks the dash, he starts having a panic attack. The music slows down in concert with his breathing, and we see the Suburban smack into a telephone pole just as the music kicks back into gear. Pan up to a beautifully composed shot of Tony, unconscious against the airbag, with a highway overpass running behind him. You know, the writers on this show get a lot of credit (and deservedly so), but I'd just like to take this opportunity to give it up for the directors and editors. That sequence was pure craftsmanship, and those guys never get the good press they deserve (especially lately).
Cut to Tony in a psychiatrist's office, but it's -- gasp -- not Dr. Melfi's. Instead we get some snot-nosed punk wearing jeans, a tan blazer, and cowboy boots. I don't like him already, and he hasn't even opened his mouth yet. Tony explains that he told his family he'd been broadsided, but it was really a panic attack. He explained that he had something of a "falling out" with his mom. "What kind of falling out?" asks Dr. Dorkus. Tony replies, "It was one of those unfortunate situations. Lots of screaming and profanity." Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Especially since it describes pretty much every date I've ever been on. That's why I joined the dating service (one-thirty and sweet, by the way). Dr. Dorkus reminds Tony that, with his sister back in town, old childhood feelings are beginning to surface. Tony complains that the feelings are interfering with his work. "What kind of work do you do?" asks Dr. Dorkus. Uh oh. You just know this is gonna end badly. "Waste management," replies Tony, and Dr. Dorkus looks really uncomfortable. "Uh, look, Mr., uh, Spears," he says, "I watch the news. I know who you are, and I've seen Analyze This." I knew there was a reason I didn't like this guy. Those au courant references just make the show seem like Will & Grace (tm Benjamin). Dr. Dorkus tells Tony he's not accepting new patients at this time, and that's the end of that. Also, "Mr. Spears?" Heh. Although I guess mob ties are as good an explanation as any for Brittany's success.
The Soprano Estate. The ugliest car I've ever seen (and I once drove an Edsel) pulls up, and Janice hops out. The car is even funnier when you realize it's Livia's. Inside, Tony greets her just as his other sister and her family arrive. There's much hugging and laughing, and our sense of family is enhanced even further when Carmela seems happy to see her husband being so affectionate, just as Meadow was a few pages back.
In the kitchen, Carmela reintroduces Janice to her parents, and tells them that she goes by the name Parvati now. Props to the writers on the name, because the story of the Hindu Goddess Parvati makes an interesting counter-point to Janice's relationship with Richie. But that's a story for another recap. Which you will get to read. Eventually. Maybe. Anyway, Janice leaves, and Mrs. Carmela Sr. sends Mr. Carmela Sr. to the market for canned pears, which everyone knows are superior to the regular ones. There's some discussion of how long it's been since they've visited, and Mrs. Carmela Sr. reminds Mrs. Carmela Actual of all the nasty things Livia said over the years, including (on Tony and Carmela's wedding day) that the marriage was a mistake because Tony would get bored with her. This hits Mrs. Carmela Actual a little too close to home, and she turns away.
Out back, the party is in full swing. Tony works the grill, surrounded by his crew. Off to one side, Janice and Barbara (the other sister) are talking. They agree that Tony looks just like their father, standing over the fire. The conversation moves to the subject of Livia, and Barbara warns Janice not to get too attached. Janice thinks Tony is being needlessly cruel, and even points out that Tony is trying to sell Livia's house. Barbara defends Tony and assures Janice, "You'll get your cut." Ouch. I think it's pretty clear where the loyalties lie in this family. Janice pretty much ignores the burn, and notices Paulie entering the yard. "God, isn't he dead yet?" she exclaims, and I say a little prayer that David Chase never even considers killing Paulie off.
Cut to later, as Janice is leaving the party. Carmela walks her out, and tries to convince her to stay. Janice says she has to meet some friends who "might finance [her] video," and hops into a big black van being driven by an even bigger black guy. It's probably for the best that Tony didn't see that, especially if you've been naughty and read the spoilers for season three.
Around the back of the house, Tony is taking out the trash. He comes across the ugly car, and instead of mistaking it for a dumpster (as I might have), he notices a For Sale sign in the back seat. Realizing it's the one from Livia's house, he storms back inside, where Carmela tries to calm him down. He rants that Janice has been conning him from the beginning. "I'm still a little fat kid to her," he says, stalking around the living room. Carmela shuts him down, telling him he needs to get back into therapy, and pretty much forcing him back out to the party. He finally relents and goes outside to play with his friends.
So the whole crew gathers around the grill. Tony is a little peeved to find that Pussy has replaced him as chef, but he lets it go. Silvio is telling a story about a trip he took with a "Rockette who put LSD in his drink." As they banter about where he got the tickets, Hesh mentions a plan to steal frequent-flier miles or airline tickets on a wholesale basis. I hear thunder, and The Clouds Of Foreshadowing begin to gather above my apartment. Tony looks like he's experiencing the beginnings of another panic attack. Pussy starts talking about something or other, but we don't really know what because the sound slows down again and we get a weird slo-mo shot of Pussy looking right into the camera. The Clouds Of Foreshadowing burst open and rain anvils directly onto my roof. And I just finally got it fixed after the Scream fiasco. Finally the sound comes back to normal, and Tony looks like he just swallowed a bug. I never would have noticed it the first time around, but that one scene set up pretty much every major story arc for the season.
Christopher, Adrianna, and the Monkey Boys are out in a bar somewhere. *N Sync Monkey Boy asks Chris, "When do we get to roll with Tony?" as if Tony was actually a member of *N Sync. He goes on to wonder, "What's it like hanging with him? You cap motherfuckers together?" Not From A Bronx Tale volunteers, "We'll do anything for him. Wet work, pick up his dry cleaning. Whatever." When Christopher responds with a withering stare, *N Sync plaintively asks, "Does Tony ever talk about us?" Christopher dismisses him with "No." and turns immediately to fight with Adrianna, who's been doing a slow burn the whole time. She chews him out for leaving the gas stove on after cooking his drugs. "I lit a cigarette. I could've been killed." Christopher doesn't want her discussing his heroin problem in front of the hired help. "Why?" she asks. "They'll still kiss your ass." With that she storms out of the restaurant, and Christopher gets off his parting shot: "Yeah. That's right. Go home and make my dinner." And this guy wanted to be a screenwriter?
Cut to a shiny silver diner somewhere on the New Jersey turnpike. Tony walks in and slides into a booth across from Dr. Melfi, who's dining alone. "Don't yell, don't scream, all the cutlery stays where it is," he says. She's clearly not happy to see him, which Tony doesn't understand, because she got her office back and there's no harm done. She guilts him with a story about a patient who committed suicide, and Tony looks genuinely distraught. He tells her that he knows he doesn't deserve her help but he's "got a family, and believe or not, they're better with [him] than without [him]" He tells her about his accident, and reminds her that she once told him to call her if he ever had an attack while driving. "That was a very different time for us," she responds. I ordinarily don't care much for Lorraine Bracco, but she's excellent in this scene. You can totally see that Melfi wants him back, but she's too scared to admit it. Tony asks for a referral, and she refuses. He assures her that no one got killed over her, and she looks relieved for just a moment before ordering him to "get the hell out of [her] life." Tony stands reluctantly, and walks out.
In the parking lot, we come full circle with another Kubrickian composition as Tony stares pensively into the camera with clouds forming behind him on the horizon. And thus ends the beginning of season two. With rumors of the show's impending demise floating in the winds, be sure to tune in Sunday night for what might be the beginning of the end.