Boca

Madon' -- let it end. Shout-outs to Wing Chun for all of her nifty proofreading, and to LuluBates and miss parker, who will take it from here.

Cemetery. AJ romps around with a pair of dogs, Livia neatens up one of the graves (presumably Johnny's), and Junior looks on. She crabs about the stems of plastic flowers, weeds, and other detritus around the headstone: "It looks like Tobacco Road!" "Nobody gets down here," Junior comments. Livia jerks around and yells at AJ that "those dogs are wild dogs" that'll take his hand off, and to come over and say a Hail Mary for his grandfather. Junior tells her to "lay off, he's a kid," and she whines, "So he should neglect his elders? Just like his father?" She arranges a bouquet on the grave. "Yep. Real scamp," Junior smiles indulgently, but Livia grumps, "My son...the mental patient." Junior reminisces about going down the shore in the summer, and how he taught Tony to body-surf. Aw. My dad taught me to body-surf at the Jersey shore. Well, he showed me how to body-surf, and then he body-surfed while I got dragged along the bottom by the undertow and accidentally ingested part of a seashell. But we still had fun. Anyway, Livia grouches that she raised her son "right," and why does he need to see a psychiatrist -- "to talk about his sex life?" Junior tries to calm her down, saying that he doesn't like it any more than she does, but she's yelling at AJ again to get away from the dogs. AJ, unfazed, comes up and asks her, "Hey Grandma, how come you're not supposed to breathe in a cemetery?" "Who says?" she snaps. "It's a joke, for chrissakes -- say 'why,'" Junior sighs. "'Cause you'll make the dead people jealous," AJ says. Oh, please -- like a thirteen-year-old would still tell jokes that weak, even to his grandmother. Livia doesn't blink. Junior makes a "whatever" face. AJ smiles and runs off.

Soccer game. Shots of the ball whizzing about; cut to a preoccupied Meadow tending goal (if by "preoccupied" we mean "terrified"). Carmela and Tony sit in the stands; Carmela is freaking out and squawking, "Oh my God MEADOW LOOK OUT!" I wipe away the dribble of arterial blood leaking out of my right ear. A shot of Artie and Charmaine Bucco, also cheering; then a shot of Meadow's coach (played by Kevin O'Rourke, another Law & Order staple) hollering from the sidelines. Meadow blocks the shot, and everyone claps and makes relieved noises. Carmela says she didn't think Tony would ever show an interest in girls' soccer. "What do you want from me?" he shrugs. "My only son's a couch potato." Silvio stands up to protest a call by the referee. Chiara, the Buccos' daughter, waves to them from the field, and Artie tells Charmaine that the coach says Chiara will "be one of his stars" year. Charmaine complains that "the fat kid is such a sneak with that elbow," and Silvio storms down the bleachers to the sidelines, still yelling at the ref; Tony and Artie follow him.

Silvio cheers on his daughter: "Heather Dante! Hundred bucks for a goal!" Heather looks at him like "whuh?" "What is with Ally today?" Artie mutters. "She's sleepwalking out there." A brown-haired girl with her hair in a tucked-in braid wanders lackadaisically around the midfield. Tony snarks that Ally eats over at their house three nights a week, so "I know she's got the energy." Silvio picks a fight with the ref, and the ref orders him off the field, and Silvio curses at him and does the Billy Martin dirt-kicking thing, then stomps off to the accompaniment of booing from the stands and takes a bow. The coach yells at "Red 42" and then bawls, "Ally!" Ally looks over at him fearfully, and he furrows his brow and mouths "come on" at her. She takes off downfield, pulls off a breakaway, shoots, and scores just before the buzzer sounds. Her teammates mob her, and the fathers on the sidelines mob each other, and the coach yells, "Yes!" about twenty times, and Artie calls the coach a "beautiful brilliant genius" and says that if the coach can get Chiara a college scholarship, "I'll blow the guy at midfield." "Oh, you will?" Tony cracks. He asks Artie, "How's cheffing at Dimple's?" Artie says it's great and babbles on about a new chemical brightener they got to perk up the lettuce in the salad bar; Tony leans in and says that his offer is still good if Artie wants to make some money by putting it "out on the street" at two points and splitting the interest. Truthfully, I don't know exactly what he means, but I assume that he's talking about loan-sharking. Artie searches for the right thing to say and comes up with the lie, "I can't do the math, Ton' -- I'm an artiste." Tony sees right through him and smiles, "Get outta here," and then he claps and shouts, "Good job, girls!"

Cut to one of the girls at Bada Bing, doing a pole dance. Tony brings a bottle of vodka over to a corner of the bar, where Artie and Silvio have settled in to bore the coach to death with strategic suggestions; Silvio tells the coach that "everything is on the house." Tony waves over one of the girls to meet the coach. Artie reminds the group that the coach has had a job offer at the college level, "Division 1A." The coach makes self-deprecating noises and says that he doesn't want to move his wife and Deena (his daughter, I guess) "every time somebody ups the ante," and besides, "how many chances does a man get to coach his own daughter," blah blah blah. A girl comes up behind Tony, and the men toast to the soccer team, and Tony puts his arm around the girl and asks her to give the coach a "deluxe tour of the VIP lounge." The coach adopts a deer-in-headlights mien; Artie says, "Whoa, guys. Jesus, we said 'a beer.'" The girl comes over to nuzzle the coach, who looks uncomfortable and tries to extricate himself: "Thank you, but I don't think so." Tony looks over at the door to see Makazian entering and mutters, "Aw, Jesus Christ," and the girl walks off, but Silvio tries to convince him with, "Coach -- it's on the house."

Tony clomps over to Makazian and demands to know what the fuck he's doing there. Makazian just as rudely asks about the coach, "Who's he?" Tony more or less ignores this and asks if Makazian has something for him, so Makazian tells Tony that not everyone he sees following him "is a Fed"; Mikey Palmice hired a Manhattan private investigator to tail Tony. Tony snorts that Mikey thinks "somebody here's rattin' for the government -- what else is new?" Makazian hands Tony a list of "people whose financial interests intersect with your own," which he got from a friend of his at the Organized Crime Task Force. Tony eyes the list and presses his lips together; Silvio comes up behind him as Makazian takes the list back and says he's still trying to find out if Tony's name has made any lists, but stresses that "they are keeping these indictments very very internal, Tony." He's trying to get more money out of Tony, but Tony isn't biting. Makazian then makes a big show out of having to see Bada Bing's liquor license just in case anyone wonders why he came in there, "for the lie-detector test," and Silvio singsongs at the bartender to show Makazian the liquor license. The bar phone rings; it's Charmaine, calling to screech at Artie. Artie lies that he's shooting pool. to the phone, Tony puts his arms around the girl from before and says, "Yeah, I'll rack 'em up for ya." Charmaine henpecks Artie into coming home and helping her paint the trim on the patio, and after he hangs up, Tony and Silvio give Artie shit for not laying down the law with the wife. The coach quasi-regretfully says he has to get home too, but tells the boys in a corn-pone tone of voice that "it's quite the lifestyle you have here, though."

Cut to a law firm; the camera follows a delivery boy past the front desk and into an office with a box of lunch orders. A lawyer tells the delivery boy to put the box down on a chair; from the back of the room, Junior rasps, "So what's goin' on with the Feds and their fuckin' indictments?" The delivery boy cuts through a cloud of smoke; we see Mikey slumped beside the desk and various other guys milling around. Junior grouses that "the book is off in the fourteenth ward" and slams a ledger closed. The lawyer tells him that he doesn't want to "minimize" Junior's position and reminds him of his two prior convictions, which opens him up to sentencing under the habitual offender statute. Junior rolls his eyes: "I'm paying you four an hour to hear shit that's already eating my insides." Everybody settles down with their sandwiches, but Junior doesn't even unwrap his before pitching a hissyfit over a letter he finds on the desk that says he will surrender quietly. The lawyer asks, "You'd rather they kicked in your front door in the middle of the night?" Junior just stares at him, livid; the lawyer goes on to explain, "It's a target letter, Corrado. I wasn't getting anywhere, so I asked them point-blank what your status was." Junior thinks it over, then lies quickly, "Just testing, that's what a good lawyer would do -- so what'd they say?" The lawyer says, "They'll let me know when it's appropriate." Junior jokes that he may just stop paying taxes, and everyone chuckles politely, and then Junior says that he's tired of sitting on his hands and he's going to "get the hell out of here" for a while. "Down to Boca with your lady friend?" the lawyer asks. "What the fuck you know about her?" Junior snaps. The lawyer shrugs pointedly, "Works for the joint-fitters' union...didn't somebody say? Runs their, uh, labor management fund outside the Feds' oversight?" Junior realizes he's busted and smiles, "If you can't get your friends jobs, what's the purpose of attaining success?" The lawyer smiles and tells him, "The wheels of justice turn slowly. Take her to Florida. Develop a tan." Junior, without missing a beat: "Where's the key to the partners' crapper?" Nice segue. Not.

In the, er, partners' crapper, Mikey and Junior take a leak. Mikey confides unctuously that "I didn't wanna say anything, but this government's case -- if there's a leak, it's in Tony's boat." Junior flushes, turns around, and tells Mikey curtly that if he thinks Tony's talking to the Justice Department, he should just come out and say it. "There's something fuckin' wrong with that guy," Mikey says, drying his hands. "I feel it in my gut! I'm worried about you, Skipper." "I'm sorry, Mikey -- you're a good boy," Junior sighs, and he pats Mikey on the cheek. Flicking his fingers out from under his chin, he sighs again. "Fuck this. I'm goin' to Boca."

Meadow and her friends sit in a circle in the woods to a playground, drinking forties and giggling. Meadow tells Deena that she didn't think much of soccer at first, but that Deena's dad makes it seem "like this, I don't know, metaphor." Deena agrees that "Dad's really cool." Another girl asks, "You guys, where's Al? She was supposed to loan me a cig." She gets up to find Ally; Meadow says she'll "come with," and the two of them walk past a swing-set, calling for Ally. "Al -- if you're smoking, you owe me five dollars!" Meadow shouts. They stop walking. "Ally?" Ally is sitting on a bench swing, her bag beside her. The other girls start screaming, "Ally, what are you doing, oh my God!" Ally has a blade to her wrist, and she's cutting herself and crying angrily. The screaming of the other two fades off the soundtrack and leaves just the creaking of the swing and Ally's quiet sobs.

Melfi's office. Tony explains, "Her parents split up. That's why she spends all her time at our house." He goes on, in a more dismissive tone, "But the kid was born with a silver spoon." Melfi, who has a new shorter haircut and a brown patterned blouse on that screams "schoolmarm," says quickly that "teenage girls are under a lot of stress." Tony doesn't buy that: "Naw, I know this kid -- she's great." Melfi asks, "Was it a genuine suicide attempt?" Tony doesn't understand; Melfi gives the PSA on "small cutting," saying that "it's a cry for help." Tony thinks that over, then says that, according to Ally's mother, Ally has "tried this before." Melfi lets it sit, then asks what else is going on in his life. Tony bites out that "life is putting Prozac to the test." Melfi assumes that he means the things she's heard on the news; Tony shoots her a flat stare and says he'd rather talk about his daughter. Melfi returns the flat stare, so Tony starts in on a diatribe about how the principal says that girls in sports "do better" and don't take drugs or "get knocked up -- but now this shit." In a teary voice: "If my daughter ever tried to kill herself..." Overcome, he trails off, then flops back in his chair to keep the tears from leaking down his face. "Aw, God." Melfi folds her arms expectantly. Tony sneaks a glance her before admitting, "Last week I called you a whore. I might have been...overstatin' the case a little bit." Melfi doesn't respond.

Junior pinches the ass of a TJ-Maxx-wearing broad as she bends over a file cabinet. She says "ooooh" all Jessica Rabbit, stands up, and hands him a check to sign. More breathy single entendres involving ceramic joint fitting and going to Boca Raton. "You read my mind," "I'm all packed, baby," blah blah blah trampcakes. A fat guy materializes to hassle/bribe Junior about a mall job in North Bergen, and Junior, all benevolent since he knows he's going to get laid, says he'll see what he can do.

Green Grove. Larry Boy Barese approaches Livia in the dining room and asks if she remembers him. "Oh, I know who you are," she tells him, almost sounding welcoming. "You lit an apartment house on fire and scared your mother half to death." It seems that Mrs. Barese is moving to Green Grove in a few days. Livia ignores this bit of information in favor of complimenting Larry Boy on his shoes; Larry Boy in turn ignores the compliment in favor of complaining that his mother "hasn't been well in the mind" and that she threw a jar of artichokes at him last week. "Well, she'd better not throw any artichokes at me," Livia quails. Tony arrives and kisses Livia on the cheek and asks if she remembers Larry, prompting her to chirp, "Water under the bridge!" and fiddle with her napkin. Huh? Tony tells her he and Larry Boy have to go for a walk, but they'll "be right back." "You should get some shoes like his," Livia tells Tony. And again I say -- huh?

Tony and Larry Boy walk off arm-in-arm. Larry Boy whispers to Tony that "you've always been a fuckin' genius, but this last move is the best move you ever did. The Feds'll never surveil an old-folks' home." Tony laughs that he knows, so he arranged for six truckloads of "bootleg Polident." Enter Jimmy Altieri. Larry Boy asks him if he got his mother settled in yet, and Jimmy grunts, "They're not sure they're gonna accept her. They wanna see my financial statement again." He rolls his eyes. Tony opens the paper and asks about the status of an office-supply chain that's coming up from Virginia. Larry Boy says he thinks they'll "listen to reason on minority hiring." The boys all chuckle. Then Tony freezes. Zoom in on a picture of Coach Hauser, the soccer coach, above a blurb that says he's just accepted a coaching post at the University of Rhode Island. "What the fuck?" Tony mutters, standing up straighter.

Cut to girls' feet running drills. We see Meadow and her teammates doing footwork exercises as Coach Hauser exhorts them to concentrate, more energy, yadda yadda yadda. Silvio and Artie approach him, and Hauser tells them that "practice is closed today -- I'm trying to keep the team focused." Please. It's high-school soccer. Lighten up. Silvio ignores him: "What are ya doin'? You're leavin' us? After two fuckin' years?" Hauser winces; he told "that reporter" to wait until after sectionals before running the story. Artie accuses him of breaking Chiara's heart, and Hauser whines, "Believe me, Art, I am hugely conflicted!" Artie and Silvio and I all roll our eyes, and the girls stop their drills and gather behind the coach as he explains that Rhode Island doubled his salary and offered Deena a full scholarship: "What could I do? They made me an offer I couldn't refuse!"

"Yeah, well, you haven't heard ours yet," Silvio grumps, adding in a threatening tone that his daughter loves playing soccer "very much." Artie tries to shut Silvio up, telling Hauser that Silvio's "just kiddin' about the offer thing." Hauser turns to see the girls just milling around and bellows that "nobody blew a whistle -- let's not get lazy out here, come on!" The team doesn't exactly snap into action, and as she turns away, Meadow sneers audibly, "Why don't you go fuck yourself?" "Excuse me?" Hauser yells. The other girls all "oooooh" appreciatively, and Silvio threatens to tell her father, but Hauser stops him with a dorky "this is my field" and orders Meadow to give him ten laps around the goals. "Whatever," she seethes, and he snaps all drill sergeant, "Make it twenty. Anyone else wanna mouth off?" Nobody does. Meadow begins a desultory set of laps. Hauser snaps, "Good!" and assembles everyone else for a keep-away drill; Artie and Silvio leave the field, looking over their shoulders at Meadow running and glaring at Hauser.

Boca montage. Tropical mandolin stylings. In a hotel room, Junior in his wifebeater and the broad in her pink fur-trimmed negligee cuddle and drink champagne. "Who would have ever thought we could have been this contented?" she sighs. "I did," Junior says, pouring Korbel. "As soon as I saw you, I knew." "You're a sweetheart. If only they knew the other side of you," Broad breathes. "They'd eat me for breakfast," Junior finishes. He tells her that he's "been looking at some real estate, some nice houses on the market," and maybe she'd like "somethin' bigger." She says she doesn't: "No, Corrado. This is our place. You know how long we been comin' here?" "Sixteen years," he says, "and every one of them good." Broad reaches under the sheets and asks, "How's Junior...Junior?" Oh, God. Shut up, woman. "He's catching some shut-eye," Junior tells her. Thank the Lord. Unfortunately, the scene doesn't end here. Broad tells Junior, "You're such a powerhouse," and goes on to say, "When you kiss me down there, you're like a great artist. You got a real instinct for it." Junior ponders this, then tells her to pass him the red peppers. She feeds him one, and she aims for "sexy and maybe sort of kinky" but takes a hard left turn at "annoying overkill." After stuffing each of her fingers into his mouth for him to lick, she snuggles closer and croons, "You know the thrill you give?" Junior, who seems to have gotten as sick of her turbo-vamping as I have, looks down at his glass and says, "Just keep it to yourself, okay, Roberta?" "Yeeeeeah...all to myself," she sleazes, making little riding motions in the bed. When he doesn't respond to her wiggling, she asks him, "Corrado? Why the big secret?" "About what?" he asks. "Oral sex!" she breathes. "What's so terrible about pleasing a woman?" Because it might inspire her to bust out the overripe Playboy-bunny routine at every opportunity, perhaps? Junior grouches that she always wants "to talk about everything." Finally, after a bit of dodging and weaving, he admits that "they think if you'll suck pussy, you'll suck anything. It's a sign a weakness, and possibly a sign that you're a finocch' [fag]." Roberta can't believe that: "A fag? That's ridiculous! How would the two even translate?" Good question. Junior just shrugs, "Don't ask me. I don't make the rules."

At a restaurant table, Tony tries to sell Artie on the shylock idea again by saying that his aunts used to do it, and "it's the same as bein' a banker -- ya help people!" Artie makes a "yeah, pull my other one" face and changes the subject, saying that his daughter started crying when she heard the coach planned to leave. Tony says if Artie doesn't want to talk about it, that's fine, he has to go pick up Carmela anyway, but first he wants to ask Artie a question: "Why does your wife hate me?" Artie laughs, "Charmaine doesn't hate you," and he almost convinced me that he genuinely never picked up on Charmaine's loathing of Tony, but Tony sees through it, mimicking Artie's laugh and telling him, "Yeah -- you lie like I play the French horn." Before Artie has to come up with another lie, Tony gets annoyed by a guy at another table wearing a baseball hat, and Artie says that that shit always bothered him when he had his own restaurant. Tony returns to the subject of Coach Hauser, asking why the guy couldn't stay until Meadow finished high school, but he's still staring at the baseball hat guy and his giggling blonde girlfriend. Artie turns to look at BHG, then turns back to Tony and smiles tightly: "That burns my ass." Tony gets up and goes over to BHG's table and tells him to take the hat off, because "they don't sell hot dogs here." BHG says that it's his hat and he'll wear it where he wants. Tony keeps standing there. BHG looks at Tony nervously, then draws the hat slowly off of his head. Artie looks on approvingly. Tony thanks BHG and goes back to the table, and the waiter pours the two of them more wine and tells Tony, "Thank you." Artie mocks BHG some more. Tony pulls the waiter close and tells him to send BHG a bottle of Montepulciano -- mmmm, Montepulciano -- and then tells him to ask the valet to get the license plate number of the guys sitting behind Artie: "They look like cops." The waiter goes on his way; Tony smiles at Artie, and Artie nervously tries to look behind himself without moving his head.

Carmela and Tony come home to find Meadow and Ally watching TV in the den; when the grown-ups come in, they both sit up, and Ally shoots Meadow a "you said they wouldn't be home till late" look. "Oh, look who's heah!" Carmela says several times (and about a thousand watts too brightly). "Alphonse, how ya doin'?" Tony says gently, shaking her hand. "You feelin' better?" Ally nods shyly. Meadow stares holes into her parents, but they don't get the hint; Tony says they'll miss her foot on the soccer team, and Carmela gives him a warning "Tony," but Ally says she's going to keep playing: "I had a long talk with Coach Hauser, and...I'm gonna play, that's all." Meadow continues sulking at her parents, then says that Ally doesn't have to. "She just said she wanted to," Tony says, sounding confused. The girls exchange a look. Ally says she does want to, but Carmela smells something in the air and asks Ally if Hauser "pressured [her] in any way," and Ally says emphatically that Hauser would never do anything like that. Tony jumps in to say that Hauser "doesn't even have the coglioni to stick around and finish what he started." "Dad," Meadow groans. "It's what we all wanted," Ally smiles. The adults say "okay" all awkwardly. Meadow points out, less brattily than usual, that "we're trying to watch this, guys, 'kay?" Tony dorks out: "Kick ass, girls, right?" They nod politely. The adults leave. The girls exchange another look and go back to staring dully at a Morphine video.

Circle fade to Junior and Roberta dancing. He tells her again not to tell anyone that he goes south: "You discuss that with anyone, we're gonna go ten rounds." Roberta gives him guff, but he isn't amused, telling her to keep it down and adding icily, "That's my reputation you're playin' with." She assures him that "my lips are sealed." "Not too sealed, right?" he cracks. They both laugh. Outside, an agent reports Junior's whereabouts into his radio; inside, freeze frame on Junior dipping Roberta.

Coach Hauser's house. Hauser comes out and wrassles with a golden retriever in a highly dorky fashion. He pauses. Cut away to Paulie standing in Hauser's driveway, along with two other guys holding a big-screen TV. Paulie asks if he's Coach Hauser and tells him proudly that the TV's "a little something from your friends at the Bada Bing Club -- brand new, surround sound, HDTV compatible." Hauser heels the dog and starts to decline the TV; one of the other guys whines that the TV's getting heavy. Hauser cuts to the chase: "If this is about Rhode Island, you can tell your friends it's a done deal; I already signed." Paulie shrugs amiably that he doesn't know what it's about, "but the TV stays here," and he tells the guys to put it down. Hauser loses his cool and yells at them to "get the goddamn thing off my property," and Paulie says that he doesn't think Hauser "quite" understands, and Hauser tells Paulie that he understands "only too well" and that Paulie can tell his friends that "I know all about them." "If you did, you'd do what they want," Paulie says, his face freezing over. Word, Paulie. Hauser, take the damn TV, for chrissakes. "Is that a threat?" Hauser asks. I love it when TV characters say that. Listen up, y'all -- if you have to ask, it's a threat. Put the TV on a hand truck, wheel it inside, and shut up already. But no, Hauser starts in with the "you listen to me, Guido" -- which Paulie interrupts by saying, to my delight, "My name is Clarence" -- and accuses Paulie of extortion. Paulie has heard enough; he gestures with his head for the other guys to follow him. Hauser yells after him to tell Tony that "Don Hauser will not be intimidated! I will not be threatened! Or bribed! I go where I want to, when I want to!" but Paulie and the two guys just get into their black van and leave Hauser there with the TV and his tantrum, by the end of which Hauser does look pretty damn intimidated, if not downright petrified. As he should.

A beauty salon. Roberta raves about the weather in Boca; her pedicurist comes over, shaking a bottle of polish, and tells her, "Bobbi, you are so lucky with this guy, you have no idea." "He's a sweetheart underneath it all," Roberta says. The pedicurist says she wishes she could get her husband "to be like [Junior] -- more sensitive," and crabs that she always has to ask him for oral sex, "not like you and your Corrado." Oops. Now departing bag: one cat. Roberta leans forward and says that she knows she and the pedicurist "always used to yak about our sex lives -- but I think it would be better if we didn't anymore." The pedicurist says she understands, but "you're lucky, that's all." Roberta puts her hand to her lips and makes a locking-and-throwing-away-key motion. The pedicurist nods and makes a zipping-lips motion back to Roberta.

Casa Soprano, dinner table. Carmela asks Livia if she's going to Meadow's soccer game. "What game?" They tell her about the game. She complains that nobody tells her anything. Yadda. Meadow wants to talk about something else besides soccer, so Tony rolls his eyes and obliges her by asking Junior, "How was Boca?" "Wonderful! I don't go down enough," Junior smiles. "That's not what I heard," Carmela snickers. "About what?" Junior asks her, oblivious. "Nothing -- I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talkin' about," Carmela chokes out, trying to compose herself. AJ says something about "Aunt Bobbi" bringing him a piranha, and Tony says that it isn't a real piranha, and Livia wails, "That woman is not your aunt!" Junior tells her to shut up: "Bobbi's a sweet, sweet girl." Carmela bursts into giggles. Tony asks what's up, and Junior wants to know, "What'd I say? This wife of yours, she's got the giggles." Meadow brats, "Can I be excused?" Her parents get on her back about eating enough before the game the day, and she says she doesn't need to eat "because I quit." Tony doesn't know what she's talking about -- with Ally playing again, they could go to the state championships. "A girl slits her wrists, and all you can think about is a game?" Carmela snaps. "Well, it wasn't like friggin' Cobain, it was a little -- suicidal gesture, that's all," Tony snorts, making sawing motions above his wrists. Meadow pushes back from the table and runs to her room. Carmela and Tony yell at her to come back, but she ignores them, so Carmela goes after her. Livia grunts, "Oh, let her go -- go ahead, honey!" Heh. Tony tells her to butt out, and points out that the only time she acts like a grandmother "is when you wanna score some points!" Livia slaps down her napkin and says that she won't stay "in this house," and asks Junior to take her home. "I'm not finished," he grunts. Livia stomps off, and Tony tells Junior to keep eating, "she'll come back." Junior rolls his eyes and takes another bite of antipasto.

On TV, footage of bombs dropping. Carmela comes out of the bathroom and gets into bed, saying, "I'm glad Meadow quit. That coach pushes them to the brink -- it's unhealthy." Tony doesn't agree: "What do we mean when we talk about commitment? And that asshole thinks he can just walk away." "Watch it, cowboy, don't start," Carmela says mildly. Tony stares at her, then smiles and asks, "What was up with you and Uncle Jun' tonight?" "Tony, you better not get in that coach's face," she warns him, but he starts tickling her and asking why she laughed at dinner, and she squeals and says, "I can't! I can't!" but he overpowers her, so she agrees to tell. Apparently, Silvio's wife's cousin and Bobbi go to the same nail parlor, and Junior...Carmela stops herself and says she shouldn't say. Tony tackles her again with the tickling, so she gives in; after much mugging and lip-biting, she says, "Let's just say that your uncle has acquired a taste for her." Tony raises his eyebrows: "Uncle Jun' gives head?" "World-class," giggles Carmela. "The old man's whistling through the wheat field?" Carmela laughs and tells him, "Don't be disgusting." After a few more crude euphemisms for cunnilingus and much sniggering, Tony groans, "Oh, if this ever gets out..." "Oh, like you don't do it, or any of your friends," Carmela snorts. Tony gets mad and grabs her arm: "Hey. What goes on in this bedroom stays here! And you know that!" "Once a year?" Carmela laughs. "I can resist the urge to gossip." That shuts Tony up. After a moment, he smiles a little.

Artie in his basement. Charmaine comes downstairs, and Artie bemoans the fact that he's going to smell "like a cheap French fry for the rest of my life." Charmaine commences ripping a strip off of him: "So this is why we scrimp and save to send our kids to that school, huh? So you can have our name just dragged through the mud?" "What?" Artie snaps. Charmaine whines that Shelly Hauser called her earlier, and apparently Artie's friends went to the Hausers' with a stolen TV set to try to bribe the coach. Artie sniffs that a TV set won't get far "with a man like Coach Hauser." Charmaine snipes that that's not the point: "Do you honestly think they're gonna stop there? They tried bribing this man -- what's ?" Artie waves her off: "Always with the extreme scenarios." Charmaine asks again what's , and reminds him that he grew up "in the neighborhood -- don't tell me you don't know what Tony Soprano is capable of." She's got a point. Artie just stares at her helplessly.

A doorbell ringing in the middle of the night. Hauser yells out, "Who is it?" A voice responds, "I found your dog." Hauser warily opens the door to find Christopher on the stoop, and tells him coldly that the dog is upstairs. "Golden retriever? Blue nylon collar?" Christopher asks. Mrs. Hauser comes to the door and asks who's there. "He has our dog," Hauser says glumly. "Where is Petey?" Mrs. Hauser wonders. Christopher tells Hauser he'd better come get him, adding meaningfully, "You wouldn't want Petey to get hit by a car." Hauser comes out as a worried Mrs. Hauser watches. In the back seat of Christopher's Lexus, Petey barks and whines. Christopher lets him out and asks, "What, no reward?" Hauser looks up quickly, but Christopher monotones, "I'm just kiddin'. I'm an animal lover," and gets in the car. "You okay, boy?" Hauser asks Petey.

At breakfast, Tony tells Meadow she can cheer up about the coach, because "I have a feelin' he's gonna reconsider the big move." "Tony," Carmela warns him. Meadow, in an accusing tone: "Did you do something?" "What could I do?" Tony asks innocently, adding that the coach has to stick around and "finish what he started with the girls, that's all." Meadow flings herself out of the room again. "That's it," Tony grunts, going after her. "Did I tell you?" Carmela yells after him.

Meadow lies morosely on her bed. Tony stomps in and sits beside her: "You need to develop some appreciation, 'cause you got people all around you tryin' to help you and all you do is bitch and moan!" Point Tony. He goes on that he sees the coach trying to "abandon" the team and he sees her friends "getting all worked up" about it, so he tried to help. As Carmela comes in, Meadow sits up and wails, "Is that why you think we're so upset, Dad? Because a coach who most of us can't even stand is leaving?" Tony shouts that she doesn't have to like the coach "to be successful," and he compares the situation to Billy Martin and Catfish Hunter hating each other "until they start to win," blah dee blah; Meadow just stares at him in dismay. When he pauses for breath, she tells him, "Coach Hauser had sex with Ally." Ouch. Point Meadow.

"What?" Carmela breathes. "It's why she cut herself, it's why I've been practically living at her house," Meadow cries. "Now, hold on a minute," Tony says, his hand on Meadow's leg. "Maybe...with Ally?" Meadow nods almost imperceptibly. "Meadow, this is horrible!" Carmela says, approaching the bed. "This is also a very serious accusation -- what exactly did Ally say?" Meadow loses it: "That they had sex! More than once! That she's not a virgin anymore!" Tony says hesitantly that "Ally's a very pretty girl," maybe "there was some confusion," maybe she wanted to appear sophisticated to her friends -- "Dad!" Meadow shouts. "Tony, what if this had been Meadow?" Carmela says, and starts shouting that with "a girl that age," Hauser shouldn't have put himself in any confusing position (so to speak). "I'm losin' my fuckin' mind here," Tony growls. Carmela asks Tony to leave so she can talk to Meadow, and Tony stomps out again, howling, "Jesus fucking Christ!" "God, now what did I do," Meadow sobs, saying that she only told "so he wouldn't make Coach Hauser stay here!" Carmela comforts her that "this is a horrible, horrible thing," but Meadow corrects her: "Mom, she's in love with him, but he won't leave his wife." "'Leave his wife'? Meadow..." Carmela starts, then takes Meadow's head in her hands and asks, "Now, Meadow, he didn't touch you, right?" Meadow emphatically says no, then starts wailing about Deena finding out about her father and having her life ruined, and she begs Carmela to tell Tony "to let [Hauser] go anywhere he wants, okay?" Carmela hugs her tightly.

Tony and Silvio in the back room of the Bing. Tony eats a plate of eggs; Silvio paces and mutters angrily, "Maldonado and his brother'll handle it. Man owes me a solid." "No. No hired help," Tony says. "This is personal." Silvio says sarcastically that he's glad to hear Tony say that, and grumbles that the situation has turned into "a real After-School Special." Heh. Artie swaggers in, glares at Silvio, and asks Tony, "Are you outta your fuckin' mind?" and bitches Tony out for the dog-napping thing. Silvio tells him to shut up, adding that Artie's "five fuckin' time zones behind [his] own ass." Tee hee! Paulie's still my favorite, but Silvio has grown on me. I think it's because he looks so much like Jerry Orbach with the hair and everything. Anyway, Artie ignores Silvio and asks if Tony hears him, because he's serious. "You're serious?" Silvio snarks. "You wanna hear serious? You wanna know what your wonderful fuckin' coach did?" Artie puts his hands on his hips and glares at Silvio. Silvio tells him about Hauser and Ally, "and who knows who else he fucked." Artie smiles in disbelief, "What're you talkin' about -- fucked?" He makes a fist to illustrate the word "fucked." Tony looks at Artie levelly. "That's crazy," Artie scoffs. Tony keeps looking at him. "That's why she slit her wrists, you stunad' [jackass]," Silvio snaps, and he bitches about his daughter having to think "about that filth," but Artie still doesn't believe it: "No." Silvio spells it out for him: "That self-righteous prick put his dick in my little girl's soccer teammate! She's in eleventh grade, for chrissake!" Thank you for that, Dr. Ruth. Artie groans that Hauser drove Chiara home from the supermarket one night when it started raining. Silvio mutters, "Fucking degenerate son of a bitch." Artie yells that Hauser "deserves to die [for] betraying children," and Tony grits out that Hauser "ain't gonna be doin' that shit no more. I guarantee you that." Artie stares at Tony for a moment, then looks away and sits down heavily. The three men fall silent.

Golf club parking lot. Mikey pulls into a space in a black Town Car and pops the trunk. He and Junior get out. Junior grunts that nobody told Mikey to put Tony under surveillance. "I know, Junior. I know," Mikey says smugly, and he comes around to get Junior's golf clubs out of the trunk and says that he did it "to be on the safe side," and he's glad he did, because Tony doesn't just hang out "in that titty bar" and at Meadow's soccer games. "Go ahead," Junior says reluctantly. Mikey tells Junior that "twice, last week, [Tony] goes toward the medical center, and they lose 'im." "A girlfriend," Junior shrugs, unconcerned, but Mikey says it's not that: "No, no, no, no, no -- he's seeing this Russian slit, very open." Unnnggh. I hate the word "slit." It's just so reductive and demeaning. Shut up, Mikey, you sexist rayon-sweater-wearing greaseball. Mikey hoists Junior's clubs into a cart and says gleefully, "Your nephew is talkin' to the Feds. I mean, where else would he be going where it requires such...precautions? And what the fuck else would be the big secret?" Yeah, you wish, you wannabe. "What am I, a swami?" Junior shrugs, dodging the question. Tony and Silvio pull up in another cart; Silvio and Mikey hug, and Tony and Junior hug. "How you feel?" Tony asks Junior. "Como s'il bell' [roughly, 'never better']," Junior smiles, slapping Tony's cheek.

Silvio shanks a shot off the tee. Tony gives him guff. Silvio, wearing an incongruous little straw hat, says he still has the coach on his mind. Mikey walks up to the tee. "We got fresh air, we got a beautiful day, we got sunshine, forget about that shit," Tony orders Silvio under his breath. "Thank God for golf some days." "I'm tryin' to concentrate here," Mikey snaps, lining up his shot; Tony watches him for a moment, then waits until Mikey's just about to swing before asking loudly whether Junior got any golf in down in Boca. Mikey crabs at him. Tony apologizes. Mikey lines up the shot again; Tony starts talking again. Mikey stands up straight and glares at him. I've never understood the big deal about a little talking on the tee; it's a game, for God's sake. But my mother once bitched at me because my shorts flapped in the wind and ruined her concentration, so apparently it bothers a lot of people. Whatever -- so Junior snaps at Tony to "let the man tee off? You yap worse than six barbers!" Mikey smiles victoriously; Tony smirks. Go to your rooms, both of you. Junior reminds Tony that if he had shut up during the game against Mountain Lakes, "you wouldn't have missed that fly ball." Tony glares at Junior, hurt, as Junior goes on to say that he "couldn't face [his] friends." In the background, Mikey swings. "Good, Mikey. Better," Silvio says encouragingly. "Whaddya mean, 'better'?" Mikey demands. Silvio tries to sound positive about Mikey's crappy long game; Tony stews silently. Junior tees off , and of course Mikey calls out, "Whoa, Junior!" all suck-uppy little brother. "'Whoa, Junior' what?" Tony sneers, heading for the tee. "Uncle Jun's in the muff." "What?" Junior quavers, a look of genuine fear crossing his face. "Oh, did I say 'muff'?" Tony asks, laughing happily. "I meant 'rough.'" Silvio and Mikey laugh and elbow each other. Junior glares at Mikey, who shrugs all "I don't know what he's on about" and pats Junior's shoulder: "Good shot."

On the tee, Tony stands up and sniffs the air: "What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar?" "What the fuck's he talkin' about?" Junior asks nervously. Mikey shrugs. "I thought you were a baccalà man, Uncle Jun' -- what you doin' eatin' sushi?" Tony asks pointedly. (Baccalà is dried salted cod.) "You're fuckin' runnin' at the mouth, you know that?" Junior says, trying to sound commanding but not quite keeping the panic out of his voice. Tony picks up his club so that it imitates a penis pointing out from his waist and begins singing, "South of the border...down Mexico way..." Junior has had enough: "Hey, listen, my friend -- at least I can deal with my own problems! Unlike some I know." Mikey looks on with a satisfied smile as Tony asks what that's supposed to mean. "Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me," Junior says threateningly. Silvio breaks it up by saying that they came to play golf, not to argue. Tony keeps singing, "South of the border...where the tuna fish play," and drives the ball.

The Buccos' garden. Artie thrashes around in the tomato patch (shout-out?), and Charmaine comes out to rehash the latest in the Hauser scandal: the mother's on sedatives, they can't reach the father because he lives in Europe, Ally thinks the whole thing's her fault, blah blah blah corruption-of-a-minor-cakes. Charmaine winds up by calling Hauser a "lousy bastard" and saying that "he won't get away with this." "You got that right," Artie chuckles, not looking up. Charmaine cocks her head: "What?" Artie asks her to hand him a bottle of pesticide. "Arthur, what?" she nags, passing him the Bug-B-Gone. "Somethin' goin' on, Artie? Your mobster friend gonna do somethin' crazy?" Artie doesn't answer for a moment, then says firmly, "If I had any balls, I would do it myself." Charmaine says a bit more gently that he does have balls, and "that's why you're not like him." "Fuck it. Fuck the world!" Artie shouts, and Charmaine defaults to shrew mode, whining that it's not getting a guy to take his hat off this time, it's shooting Hauser or cutting his balls off "or what!" Artie says that she can't tell him Hauser "doesn't deserve it," and she says that no, she can't, but "listen to you -- think about what you're saying!" Artie asks her to tell him "who's worse -- Tony Soprano, or that child-molestin' fuck? I trusted him. I'd like to rip his heart out of his chest!" Charmaine accuses Artie of only thinking about himself and makes to stomp into the house. "Myself?" Artie repeats, getting up. "Myself? I resent that, Charmaine!" She turns to give him a "whatever" look and keeps on stomping.

Golf club locker room. Junior sleepwalks over to his locker. Mikey, dusting his feet with powder, asks him what's wrong: "What, that bullshit with the sushi?" Junior lies unconvincingly that he doesn't know what Tony meant, that "he babbles"; when Mikey chimes in, "Yeah, what was that?" Junior turns on Mikey: "You're another one!" "Me? Hey, he completely lacks respect!" Mikey whines. Junior sits down and gripes that he's tired of having to make excuses for Tony all the time. "That's right," Mikey smugs. "'Cause he's a fuckin' mental weakling," Junior continues. "I know," Mikey says matter-of-factly, putting on socks.

"You don't know shit, Mikey," Junior tells him, sounding surprised himself, and slams a bag down on the floor before bursting out, "He's seein' a psychiatrist, Mikey -- how about that, huh? My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist. Makes me wanna cry!" Mikey, in a tone of celebratory wonderment: "No shit?" "Indictments bein' prepared, and he's spilling his guts," Junior says, near tears. Mikey, vindictively: "I fucking knew it!" "No you didn't fucking know it -- I just told you!" Junior roars. Mikey for once has the sense not to say anything. Junior bemoans the fact that God knows how much Tony has already said about the family business, and if the place is bugged...Mikey interrupts that "that stuff's not admissible" because of doctor-patient privilege, "like Melvoin," Junior's attorney. Junior disagrees, saying that "Melvoin's a lawyer. At least he's in the ballpark," and what if the doctor "gets scared or something" like the one in the Menendez case did: "The shrink was in the fuckin' witness chair." "Shit," Mikey breathes. Junior gets out an undershirt and snaps, "Anthony wants to play games, okay. I taught him how to play games." Pause. "I taught him how to play baseball." He puts his shirt on. Mikey asks, unable to believe his good fortune, "You talkin' about clipping him?" Junior makes his customary "how dare you question me" face and snits that "nobody would slap my wrist if I did."

Tony bitches to Melfi that they send guys to jail for doing "half the damage" Hauser has. Melfi reassures him that "the judicial system has gotten much better in dealing with sexual predators." "Oh, yeah. Let's impeach him!" Tony sneers. Melfi warns him in a near-shout that if he's telling her "of intent to harm this person," she has to alert law enforcement. "I don't know why I tell you anything," Tony snits. Melfi asks why he feels that the job of punishing Hauser falls to him. Tony says sarcastically that it certainly doesn't fall to her. She asks what that means, and he goes off on a rant about how she'd call the cops, who'd send Hauser in front of a judge, who'd sentence Hauser to counseling, and Hauser would complain about his unhappy childhood, and then everyone would sympathize with Hauser, blah dee blah. Melfi coldly tells him to disparage psychology if he likes, "but I continue to ask the question: why do you think you, Anthony Soprano, always has [sic] to set things right?" Tony doesn't have an answer to that.

Bada Bing. Tony and Christopher count money; Paulie answers the door to the back, and Artie pokes his head in and says he has to talk to Tony. "I'm kinda busy right now." Artie insists. Tony tells Christopher that they'll finish later, and Christopher scoops up the cash and leaves. Artie says that he came talk "about the thing...you-know-what? Nothin's happened yet, has it?" "Just gotta make the call," Tony says, adding, "I'm savorin' the moment." "You gotta call it off," Artie says, with much waving of hands. Tony tells him not to worry, he's got nothing to do with it, but Artie slaps his palm with the back of his hand and squawks, "I don't care about that! It's wrong! You can't do it." Tony stares at him quizzically: "'It's wrong'? Oh, and what he did isn't?" Artie knows, and he hates Hauser too, but he's begging Tony not to do it.

Tony starts to get impatient, asking what Artie wants him to do and inviting him to call the cops himself, "here's the phone," but Hauser will only get two years, and then he'll move to Saskatchewan (shout-out?), "and then you know what he'll do? He'll teach girls' soccer, and he'll start all over again." Artie says he wants to rip Hauser apart "like a fuckin' chicken," and he drove past Hauser's house and nearly got out of the car. "But you didn't," Tony says gently, not seeing the point. Artie asks who it's going to help if "something happens to" Hauser: "His daughter? That girl? No. You, Tony, and Silvio, and me, and whoever. It's just gonna make us feel better. So don't even think about callin' this justice. Leave it to the cops." Tony muscles his way out of his chair and asks who the fuck Artie thinks he is to come in there and talk to Tony like that: "Your boyfriend is finished, now you deal with it. 'Kay?" He pokes his finger into Artie's chest for emphasis. "Tony, don't do it," Artie repeats softly. "This is me asking you." Tony orders him to get the fuck out, and he shoves him out the door. Artie goes, but not without a small scuffle. Tony slams the door after him. Techno music starts up as Tony sits back down and shoves his espresso cup off the table in a fit of pique.

Pan across the Bada Bing sign. Girls dancing. It's now nighttime. Shot of the phone sitting on the table in the back room; Tony, holding a glass of scotch, eyes it. He paces around. He fiddles with the pool-table felt. Shot of the phone. Tony, simmering. Shot of the phone. Back and forth between shots of Tony agonizing and shots of the phone.

A darkened office. Junior walks in; Roberta greets him with surprise: "Corrado! I was worried, you usually call when you're this late." He just stands there stiffly. She explains in a starting-to-get-nervous tone that she got dinner for them -- chicken, potato salad, lemon meringue pie -- and she got so hungry that she ate a piece of the pie. Junior snaps out of it and stalks over to her, yelling, "Did I tell you to keep your mouth shut?" He slams her up against a file cabinet, fist clenched: "Did I tell you to keep your goddamn mouth shut?" She begs him not to hit her. Breathing heavily, he lets her go. She begins to cry. He picks up the pie and grinds it into her face as she sobs. The tin falls away from her face, and only her weeping mouth is visible; Junior starts for the door, then turns to shout, "You stupid fucking blabber-mouth cunt!" "I don't understand!" Roberta wails. Junior tells her to get her things and "don't be here tomorrow!" He clomps out of the office; behind him, she begs him not to leave and snivels that she loves him.

Outside, Junior flounces out of the building; the song that the two of them danced to in Boca plays, and Junior begins to cry too. Then he flounces some more.

Silvio answers his car phone. Tony asks if he's at the house and if Hauser's home; Silvio says "yeah," and Tony tells him, "Fuck it. Walk away. Walk away, don't do it." "Fuck!" Silvio hisses, then says, "Yeah." "Leave it alone," Tony tells him. "All right," Silvio grumbles. "Son of a bitch."

A TV broadcast about the charges against Hauser. Tony, who's well into his cups, raises a highball glass in a toast to the screen as footage rolls of Hauser's perp walk.

A shot of the house at night. Meadow comes out of her room to see Tony, blasted and giggling, reeling around in the foyer below and knocking things over. He grabs Carmela and starts dancing her around unsteadily; she observes that he smells "like Lord Calvert" and tries to get him to settle down, but he heads to the den off of the kitchen. Meadow continues to look on, worried, then turns and heads down the hallway so that she can keep spying on her parents.

In the den, Tony flops on the couch, then rolls off onto the floor and starts tittering again. Carmela asks, "What is with you tonight?" She peels his fingers off of a pill bottle and grumps, "Mixed with alcohol? Oh, that's wonderful. Happy trails," but she doesn't sound that angry. She tries to get up, but he clings to her hand, slurring, "Carmela -- I didn't hurt nobody." She regards him with fond exasperation. Upstairs, Meadow still watches, but affectionately now. Carmela puts a couch pillow under Tony's head, and he slurs that she should call the shrink, "the town's gonna give her a fuckin' bonus," and he starts laughing, then snoring. Carmela stands over him with her hands on her hips. Fade to credits and the Morphine song again, and Sars is out.