Turnpike. Cigar smoke. Pizzaland.
Christopher sits at a table with a red checkered tablecloth and a cup of coffee on it. In a mural on the wall behind him, a pig nurses her piglets. Slowly, Christopher raises the cup to his lips while staring at a meat grinder behind the counter; in voice-over, a man says, "In the Czech Republic too we love pork -- you ever had our sausages?" A woman's voice begins singing. Christopher gets out of his chair in Dream Sequence Slo-Mo as the man's voice repeats the line about sausages, and he seems to move without walking through the deli and all the way back to the freezer, where he finds Adriana sitting on the ground all dressed in white; a man's hand feeds her an entire sausage. "Adriana," he reproaches her, but when we cut back to her, it's Carmela, also in white, chewing a bite of sausage. Again with the sausages in VO. Christopher looks out the window to see a zombie-like man staring in at him, and says, "E-mail Kolar." (Heh. It's actually "Emil"; Christopher killed him in an earlier episode.) Now Christopher's behind the counter of Satriale's, wearing a bloody apron. "Help you?" he says. Zombie Emil Kolar asks for a "salami sub, hold the mayo." A wind blows through the store. "We're outta mayo," Christopher tells ZEK, reaching under the counter for a sub roll. "Change my meat to Black Forest," ZEK drones. The man's hand passes Christopher a few slices of Black Forest ham, and then what looks like provolone, and Christopher slaps the cold cuts into the roll. ZEK: "You killed me." Christopher, impatiently: "What do you want me to do about it now?" "I want to tell you." "Tell me what? You come here every night." ZEK drones that "you fucked up." Christopher doesn't get it. ZEK dumps a handful of mangled bullets onto the counter. Christopher asks where he found the bullets. "One in the table, three in my skull," ZEK says, and adds, "You will have our sausages," and Christopher ducks behind the counter and tells the man's hand, "Get rid a these," and he hands the, uh, hand the bullets. Instead of taking them, the hand grabs Christopher's wrist, and Christopher starts yelling, "Let go a me! Let go!"
Christopher sits up in bed, sweaty, and checks to see that Adriana's still sleeping.
A wedding. Christopher dumps a computer in the bride's lap and apologizes for not wrapping it, but recommends the model of CPU highly to her. Adriana, wearing a loud red print dress, stands behind him, smiling faintly. The bride makes a "whatever" face in the direction of the groom.
Elsewhere in the receiving line, Larry Boy Barese compliments Carmela, telling her she's "looking gorgeous -- who's your date?" Carmela is wearing a lovely cream-colored belted suit, but her hair looks like an electrocuted meringue. Behind her, Tony hugs Larry Boy and congratulates him; it's Larry Boy's daughter's wedding, it seems. Livia is in line, and Larry Boy greets her as "my darling," causing Livia to sniff that "I am nobody's darling." No argument here. Larry Boy makes an "okay, then" face and says of Livia that "this one here, she never disappoints you, I'll tell ya that," but Livia cuts him off at the knees: "Are you still seeing your other women, Lorenzo?" Carmela drags her away. Tony apologizes for Livia, but Larry Boy has other things on his mind: "I heard some disturbing shit last night, I wanted to talk to you about it, but what with the rehearsal dinner and everything, I -- there's the priest, I'll be right back." Tony tells him to go ahead, and he folds his lips and goes to find Carmela and Livia.
A spoon tapping a champagne flute. The bride and groom kiss, and the wedding guests whoop and applaud.
Under a chandelier, Paulie (yay, he's back!) stands very close to Larry Boy and mutters, "Federal indictments? Where the fuck'd ya get this?" Larry Boy says that "a guy who owes" him has a girlfriend who works as a word processor at FBI headquarters. Paulie asks when it's coming down, but Larry Boy doesn't know yet, but when the girl hears, "she'll tell [him]."
Now Larry Boy's in conference with Tony and Pussy. Tony crabs, "Indictments? What the fuck are you talkin' about?" Pussy asks if he's sure, and Larry Boy makes a "don't shoot the messenger gesture" with his hands and warns them, "Hey, it ain't just my source in Jersey -- half of New York moved to Fort Lauderdale already." Tony and Pussy exchange an "oh, shit" look.
"Turn The Beat Around" plays in the background as Christopher mutters to Jimmy Altieri, "Fuck. They're gonna want my ass." Jimmy asks why. "What do you mean, 'why'? I'm O.C.," Christopher tells him testily. Jimmy, skeptically: "When'd you get your fuckin' wings?" Grudgingly, Christopher admits, "I didn't," adding a defensive "not yet, anyway." Jimmy nods.
Tony asks Junior if he has anything he wants to say "about this." The camera circles the group as Junior lectures them that they all get too panicky at the mention of indictments and always want to "lam it," and as far as he's concerned, "it's just speculation." "It's rumor," Mikey pipes up. Shut up, Mikey. And what's with the brown-on-brown ensemble? Poofy Poofatelli really needs to step away from the earth tones. Curto thinks it's "better [to] be safe than sorry, though -- I say we duck for awhile," but Junior doesn't agree: "And what're we gonna do -- close shop?" "We can't do that," Silvio says. Curto asks Tony what he thinks, and of course Junior gets his back up and demands to know why Curto's asking Tony when "I just -- I just gave you the answer!" Tony quickly says that "Junior's right -- we go on the lam now, it's open season, the fucking Albanians'll be livin' in our houses." Pussy complains that he just gave a thousand dollars to Larry Boy's daughter, but if he thought he'd have to lam it, he'd have given it to her later.
Adriana and Meadow on the dance floor.
The groom hands Pussy the gift bag; Pussy takes his thousand dollars back. The bride rolls her eyes.
Tony reminds the group that Junior calls the shots, and what he says, they do, but then he adds as diplomatically as he can that "maybe, you know, for today," everyone should do "a little spring cleaning." Mikey shakes his head; Junior prickles, "That was my comment."
The wedding band plays "Summer Wind." The various boys take champagne glasses out of their wives' hands, pull them out of conversations, and herd them out. Carmela comforts the crying bride as people stream out of the reception.
At home, Carmela helps Tony gather weapons and cash from hiding places. She asks if he thinks they'd really "come over the weekend." "They're comin' someday," Tony says shortly, getting up on a stepladder to pull stacks of bills out of a heating vent. He passes Carmela bills to put into a gym bag and asks, "Where's the rest of the money?" "It's everywhere," she shrugs. Tony asks if she can think of "anything else." She asks about his phone numbers; he tells her that "anybody's who anybody is in my head." Tony looks down from the ladder to see her wiping her eyes. "What'sa matter?" "Nothing, just -- here we go," she says, sounding tired as she takes guns out of his hands and puts them in the bag. Tony bitches that this had to happen "just when things were goin' good." Meadow watches from the stairs, then runs up to her room.
AJ is once again hopping around on his bed, this time with a fly swatter. Can they not put screens on the windows in his room? Always with the bugs, that one. Meadow comes to the door and tells him to go to his computer, "the cops are coming." "So?" "You want them to see all that porno you downloaded?" AJ dashes over to his computer and logs on.
Tony hands down a rifle with a sight on it and gets down from the ladder. He wipes his face, then says, "All right, you better give me your jewelry." Carmela stares at him, then mutters, "Ah, Jesus," and starts taking her earrings off. He reminds her that they can't show the cops receipts: "You want 'em stealin' this shit from us?" She hands over her earrings and necklaces; he gestures at her hand and says, "C'mon." Carmela's eyes widen: "I'm not giving you my engagement ring -- this isn't stolen." Blank stare from Tony. Carmela, angrily: "Is it?" After a beat, he says, "No. What do you think I am?"
In Pussy's backyard, he and his wife burn things on the grill. A helicopter flies overhead.
Christopher's apartment. He taps away on a laptop; cut to the screen, which shows a few lines -- riddled with spelling errors -- from a screenplay. Christopher accidentally erases the lines, and he taps the enter button impatiently, only to hear the Apple error "meep." He calls out to Adriana that "it ate my whole script now," and she comes out and makes the laptop meep a few more times before telling him that he's still in the file but must have deleted the text. He curses and smacks the computer and calls it a fucking asshole, and Adriana shouts at him to "stop with the hysteria, would you please?" and says that if he doesn't stop acting like a baby, she won't help him. Christopher reminds her that at least she works on a computer at the restaurant. Adriana caves, and in a few keystrokes, she gets the text back, telling him that he put it in buffer memory by mistake. "What do you think?" he asks. "Of the script?" she says reluctantly. He nods. She says she can't give him an opinion every time he adds a sentence: "I've gotta have the whole story flow. Woo woo." Okay, so she didn't say "woo woo" -- more's the pity. Christopher says that he's "startin' with the dialogue." Adriana curls up to him and reads what he has so far, and she cracks on him for spelling the word "managed" with a "u," and he rolls his eyes and corrects it, and she hugs him and gives him a kiss and calls him her Tennessee Williams; she starts to get up, but he pulls her back down to the couch and they smooch. Adriana says that she's never seen him apply himself "like this." Christopher answers sort of impatiently that "I love movies. You know that. That smell in Blockbuster, that candy-and-carpet smell, I get high off of," and he doesn't want to waste that. He goes on to say that his cousin Gregory's girlfriend who works for Tarantino said that "Mob stories are always hot. I could make my mark." Adriana suggests that, "with these indictments," maybe Christopher should put the script away for awhile and concentrate on getting rid of evidence instead. He gestures around the apartment with a shrug: "Travel light. Free bird." Adriana reminds him that he stole "this computer, plus the one you just gave Melissa." Ouch.
Just then, the phone rings, and Christopher dumps Adriana out of his lap to answer it with a curt "I'm writing." It's Georgie from Bada Bing, telling Christopher to turn on Channel 6. Christopher relays this to Adriana, who flips the TV on; a talking head says that the attorney general has impaneled a grand jury on possible Mob activity in New Jersey, "with indictments to follow." The talking head introduces the author of the book called Mafia: America's Longest-Running Soap Opera, Jeffrey Wernick. Christopher looks tense.
Quick cut to Melfi, staring fascinated at her TV.
Cut back to the talking head with Wernick. TH asks Wernick about the FBI's contention that the Mob is "all but dead," and Wernick says that he "wouldn't call the fight" just yet; pan out to Tony and Carmela watching the broadcast. TH lists some of the possible counts of the indictments -- murder, drug trafficking, money laundering, the usual -- and asks if Wernick knows any names. Wernick says that he can't say for sure, but with the recent death of Jackie Aprile, his sources tell him that Corrado "Junior" Soprano took over, and the Sopranos have "long historic ties" to the New York families. Tony sips a Scotch and looks over at Carmela as TH asks about possible murder charges.
Adriana has her feet in Christopher's lap as Wernick says that the indictments will probably focus on the unsolved murder of Brendan Filone, and Adriana and Christopher exchange a "the hell?" look, and Christopher complains that Wernick called Brendan an associate: "No one would ever have ranked him as 'associate.'" Wernick goes on to call Brendan a loyal soldier, and Christopher snaps off the TV in a fit of pique: "'Brendan Filone, associate, soldier'? Fuck you!" He throws the remote into a corner. "Jesus!" Adriana whines. Christopher grabs the phone and calls the club and asks Georgie if he saw the broadcast from the beginning, and "did they mention my name?" The answer is clearly no, because Christopher curtly tells Georgie to "stop the fuckin' chit-chat" and slams down the receiver.
In a dining room, a kid in Buddy Holly glasses calls out, "Nobody makes ginzo gravy like you, Nana. I'm up at Bard waiting for my care package." Oh, it's Jason, Melfi's son. Yeah, I've got your care package right here, Sniffy McPhilosophymajor. Melfi comes in and snaps at Jason that she doesn't like "that word." "What, 'ginzo'?" Melfi says that it's offensive, and Nana bustles in with a platter and agrees that it's "not a nice word," and Jason reveals that he doesn't even know what "ginzo" really means. "It's a derivation of 'guinea,'" he's told. Dinner preparations go on, with Jason's grandfather at the head of the table and Melfi's ex-husband Richard milling around; Jason doesn't know what "guinea" means, either. What is he, from Maine? Who doesn't know what "guinea" means? I mean, it's pretty arcane as slurs for "Italian-American" go, but still. Richard tells him that "it's a derogation." Melfi remarks that she has a patient who "you wouldn't want to say 'guinea' in front of." Banter about the patient's mother issues; Nana wants to know why you wouldn't want to say "guinea" in front of this patient: "Is he in the Mafia?" Melfi quickly denies that and asks if they can change the subject. Jason and Richard laugh and ask again if the patient is in the Mob. Melfi yells from the kitchen that "nobody knows better than you, Richard, I can't discuss my patients." Nana hopes it's not one of the guys "on the news." The grandfather suggests that she refer the guy to another doctor, and Richard agrees that she could. Melfi sternly tells her father to grate the Parmesan. She sits down and tells her husband, "That might be what you would do, Richard. Now I remember why we got divorced," and she doesn't see why she should refer him to someone else. Richard points out, "You know you can't treat sociopaths -- he's scum, and you shouldn't help him with his bed-wetting."