Sopranos TV Show - Pine Barrens - Sopranos Photos & Videos, Sopranos Reviews & Sopranos Recaps | TWoP

Recapped by Aaron · Aired 05-05-2001

Okay, so when Sars first considered letting me recap The Sopranos, she asked but one question: "What do you know about New Jersey?" I, of course, did what any struggling writer would do in that situation, and lied like the dog that I am. To be perfectly honest, the sum total of my New Jersey experience comes from the time I spotted Mike Tyson in line to us at a tollbooth on the Jersey turnpike. And while I'm sure this has caused me to miss out on any number of quaint little details (a la the whole "can't pump your own gas" thing), I do in fact know the only thing there is to know about New Jersey that actually matters to anyone living in any of the other forty-eight superior states this nation has to offer (and yeah, Ohio, I'm looking at you). You want me to tell you what it is? Well, all right then. You suckers are going down. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. Penguins in seven. And if Scott Stevens so much as blinks at Mario Lemieux, why I'll…I'll…I'll post a nasty message to the Devils forum at ESPN.com. Yeah. That oughtta teach 'em. ["Get out. Now." -- Sars]

Anyway, Steve Buscemi opens this week's show with a firm demonstration of his directorial mettle, having the balls to fade up on an empty "Stugots," with Van Morrison warbling "Gloria" in the background. Perhaps not surprisingly, Gloria herself is in the background, having just arrived at the pier in her chic little Mercedes and scary 70s Moroccan Cowboy-Pimp clothes. I don't necessarily agree, but I can totally see why some people think she looks like a hooker. Or a hoor. Whatever. As she makes her way onto the boat, Mr. Morrison helpfully reminds us all of how to spell her name. Hey, how come there's been no goofy nicknames for Gloria on the show? Little Lady Lithium, perhaps? Anyway, once she gets inside the "Stugots," I start thinking to myself that it would be funnier if the music were actually playing in the scene rather than on the soundtrack. David Chase provides immediate gratification by having the phone ring, and Gloria reaches over to turn down the stereo. Heh. It's Irina and her drunken insecurities on the phone, and she lies and says she's from AJ's school. Tony walks in, along with Contrivance and the bag of ice they seem to have stepped out for (despite the fact that the song had just started), and quickly takes the phone. Irina babbles about leaving something on the boat, and Tony ends the conversation and hangs the phone up so fast you'd think it was made of gabbagoo (it's the Soprano kryptonite). Foreshadowing, incidentally, sits in the corner and practices his Russian language tapes. Gloria (G-L-O-R-I-A) asks if everything is okay with AJ, and Tony describes the problem as "attendance shit." I don't know what (if anything) that's a witty reference too, but I'm betting it's something. It pretty much always is. "Two weeks and no hello?" asks Gloria, and Tony quickly walks over to give her a kiss. Then he moves back to the bar and confesses that it was really an ex-girlfriend on the phone. Gloria goes nuts and starts screaming about Tony lying and her feelings and all the other reasons she's unhappy and deserves attention, and I gotta side with Tony on this one. Maybe I'm just a guy, but I thought he handled a potentially awkward situation pretty well. At least he was honest, which is certainly more than he gives Carmela. Gloria proceeds to storm off the boat, but not before tossing Tony's present into the water and getting off one last withering, "Merry Christmas." Perhaps to his credit, Tony doesn't respond, "Get out. Now."

Okay, so there's Furio in red leather pants, and then there's Paulie getting a manicure. It's the same basic shtick (i.e. manly men and their girly gear), but it just seems to work better on Furio. Paulie's quirks are funnier when they're quirky, not funny, if that makes any sense. I think you know what I mean, though. He interrupts his "satin finish" application to answer his cell phone. Tony, ensconced at the Bing, instructs him to go make one of Silvio's pick-ups from some Russian guy. Silvio has apparently taken ill with a bad case of "filming that Bruce Springsteen special" and won't be able to participate in this week's festivities. Paulie objects to the assignment for a number of reasons, including having to take his mother to social security (and her I'd like to see), but Tony eventually orders him to do it. "I don't even know why we're in business with these people," wonders Paulie, but when Tony makes him guess, he's right on the first try. "They make us money." Back at the Bing, Tony hangs up and watches a sniffly Silvio depart, looking for all the world like a successful, respectable businessman dealing with his underlings.

"And the family is well?" asks Melfi, as Tony and Carmela are once again back in couples therapy. Carmela is concerned about Meadow, who's dating "the son of some friends of the family." Carmela also apparently does know that Melfi is aware of what Tony does for a living, despite the fact that they skirted around the issue nicely back in their individual session together. Tony admits that he's "not as optimistic as [he] once was," and then Melfi asks about Noah. "They broke up," reports Carmela, "Actually, he broke it off with her." "You believe that?" asks the indignant Daddy, and Carmela snipes that it's not like Tony gave the boy a lot of choice. Please. Like Tony had anything to do with it. Everyone knows Noah was chafing Amy, if you know what I mean, and I think this time it's more likely that you do. The argument between them sort of trails off as they politely agree to disagree, and even Melfi is somewhat shocked by this turn of events. "I find it very interesting that you're able to talk about this without rancor." Hilarious shot of Tony and Carmela, neither of whom know what "rancor" means. Of course, the first thing I thought of was Jabba's pet, so maybe I should just keep quiet. ["Ewoks make great pets, too. You just have to get them spayed or -- ow! All right, already. I'm going. Geez." -- George Lucas] Tony leads us into our second subtle segue by explaining, "We're learning how to communicate."

Cut to Meadow, spelling out "oblique" on a Scrabble board. Ha! Now that's a joke even a grammarian can love. Little Lord Fuckpants, however, thinks it's the Spanish "oblee-kay," until Meadow explains that it means "indirect. Not straightforward. Come on, you're in college." My dictionary lists several antonyms for oblique, one of which is "that last reference to Jackie's educational status." Fuckpants defends himself by claiming that he's "not an English major," and after slamming New Jersey for two straight weeks, I so know better than to touch that one. And Daniel thinks he's the one Sars wants to fire. David Chase will probably be having his conversation with the unemployment guy week. Somehow I think it's a safe bet that the phrase "get out. Now" will be uttered in that one. Jackie takes his turn to spell out "ass" on the board, and then follows it up by adding, "As in, how about giving me some," which as a come-on is not so much oblique as it is, well, weak, so to speak. Meadow demurs, citing her own illness (and she does look a bit like death warmed over here). Jackie, playing the Mr. Sensitive role to the hilt, then suggests they do some "X." I've heard that's almost as good as chicken soup. Meadow doesn't want to mix and match medicines with her Nyquil, though, and once Little Lord Fuckpants realizes there's no fun to be had here, he bolts, claiming that Meadow needs to get her rest.

Christopher and Paulie stand in the same apartment hallway set that this show has used about a half dozen times before and have the exact same conversation about Russians that they've also had before. Christopher thinks they're not all bad (though this time he fails to cite Irina as proof), but Paulie still remembers the Cuban missile crisis with anger. "That was real?" asks Christopher, "I saw that movie. I thought it was bullshit." I saw it too, and it was. When their knocking is answered, Paulie identifies themselves as "the fucking KGB," and then the Russian opens his door. Dammit. Now, see, this is what I mean about having to recap every single word on the show. The one character I glossed over last week as "The Drunk Guy" suddenly turns out to be an unstoppable killing machine, and probably the main impetus for the season finale's plot arc. Oh well. Anyway, he invites Paulie and Christopher in, and offers them a drink. At least I got the "drunk" part right. Paulie checks out the guy's entertainment center, which is indeed well stocked (although I note the conspicuous absence of God's gift to TV watchers, the TiVo), and wonders what the guy's huge universal remote control is for. Christopher, who is at least trying to be polite, collects Silvio's money, but Paulie can't resist yet another crack about Drunk Guy's Russian heritage. When told to return the universal remote to its docking station, Paulie smashes it onto the floor instead, and fisticuffs ensue. The highlights: Paulie smashing a bottle over Drunk Guy's head, Christopher getting dragged around the room on Drunk Guy's back, and Paulie finally choking the fight out of the guy with a floor lamp. Once the action subsides, Christopher is worried about the potential consequences, especially since Drunk Guy appears to be dead. Paulie remains calm, however, ripping a tapestry off the wall and ordering Chris to bring the car around. Outside, they proceed to load Drunk Guy's carpet-wrapped body into the trunk of Paulie's Cadillac, all the while glancing around for witnesses. I can't believe Cadillac passed up the opportunity to get a line added about the size of their trunks.

Ronald Reagan: Good morning, Mr. Chase. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be the apprehension and termination of a mysterious Soviet operative known only as "The Drunk Guy." As always, should you or any member of your staff be killed, captured, or responsible for a sub-par episode, the AOL Time Warner corporate secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This recap will self-destruct in five seconds.
David Chase: I don't know…that last part's a little harsh, don't you think? I mean, couldn't you at least try to get used to the new layout before you start blowing shit up?
Mikhail Gorbachev: Do not be worrying, David. The bourgeois oppressors and their capitalist lap-dog lackeys will never dim the glory that is Marx-Brezhnev TV. It is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world -- it is the opium of the people.
David Chase: You guys don't get out much, do you?
Ronald Reagan: Nancy won't even let me watch TV anymore. Thank God for the West Wingrecaps, is all I'm sayin'.

Cut to what I'll assume is a local posh hotel (the Sherry Netherlands? Or perhaps the Myndi Madagascar?). Gloria is on the bed, draped strategically with a sheet, while a fully-dressed Tony opens a card with a couple of ewes and the legend "I'm feeling very sheepish" on the front. She apologizes for answering his phone the other day, but not for her psycho rant, and Tony unwraps his replacement gift. It's a brown and white striped piece of cloth, and while I believe the correct term for that sort of garment is a caftan, I'm just going to go ahead and call a robe a robe. He's not wearing it yet, though, so it doesn't count for StR. Tony claims to feel like a jerk, because he's "got nothing for [her]." "Of course you do," she replies, and we do a quick cutaway to Paulie and Christopher pulling up to a Turnpike rest stop somewhere. No Mike Tyson in sight, though. Cut back to Tony and Gloria, engaged in a full-on HBO-only love scene until Tony's cell phone rings. He extricates himself from the bed, and moves into the bathroom to answer. While he flushes the toilet to foil any potential listeners (including, one would assume, both Gloria and the FBI, since they are NOT the same thing), Paulie explains that they had a little problem with Drunk Guy. Tony is furious, especially because he's meeting Slava (a.k.a. Joey Stalin) later in the day. Paulie claims to have had no choice in the matter (yeah, right), and Tony vehemently orders him to resolve the problem without involving him. Returning to the bedroom, Tony tries to pass off the call as "work shit" this time, but Gloria isn't buying that either. She's already getting dressed, but she does suggest dinner at her place that night. She'll even make London Broil. Mmm…meat.

And now for the scene that's stirred up almost as much debate in our forums as the whole "Chasidic Homeboy" slur. Although I do take a somewhat perverse measure of pride in noting that The Sopranos forums now sport the most inane thread on the site not started by an employee of Scoopme.com. Anyway, Paulie and Christopher are at some gas station somewhere, and Paulie is (against all laws of common sense and the state of New Jersey) pumping his own gas. Christopher suggests heading over to [crappy fast-food chain name deleted] because he's hungry, but Paulie wants to bring Drunk Guy down to the eponymous Pine Barrens and dump the body. They'll even be able to head over to Atlantic City when they're done. That way, "the day won't be a total loss."

Back to therapy. Tony is alone this time, and props to the costume people who are very subtly changing Melfi's outfits depending on the scene. When she was with Tony and Carmela she had on the standard power suit, but now with just Tony, she's in a much softer blue sweater and pants. She also strikes a more flirtatious pose, as she's been wont to do when they're alone lately. She inquires about Carmela, and Tony again credits the therapy with the improvement in their relationship. Then he breaks down, and admits that he's been seeing one of Melfi's patients. Melfi isn't sure whether to act relieved or surprised that he's finally confessed. Tony lists off all of Gloria's good qualities, but when he mentions that she's Italian, the Richard Detector in Melfi's head goes off and she snarks, "What is this, West Side Story?" When she goes on to ask if Tony attaches any particular significance to having met Gloria in therapy, he volleys back, "Maybe she reminds me of you…smart, sexy, Italian. Actually, she's nothing like you." Insert patented bad-boy smile. "Well, maybe a little. You've both got great legs." I overcome my shock that he didn't say "great knees," and notice that Melfi looks simultaneously pleased as punch and annoyed as hell by his flirting. "The point is, she makes me feel happy," Tony explains, but now Melfi wonders if lying to Carmela is the best thing for his panic attacks, especially since their whole marriage is now "predicated on a lie." "Predicated on my ass, what's the difference? The bottom line is that I'm a better husband and a better father. If you want to know the truth, as much as I love my wife, being with Gloria makes me happier than all your Prozac and your therapy bullshit combined." Melfi's got nothing to say to that one.

Down in the wilds of South Jersey, Paulie and Christopher cruise along some snowy back roads before ending up deep in the forest. They park at a little picnic roundabout, and Chris heads back to open the trunk. Except that when he does, Drunk Guy turns out to still be alive, and pretty upset about the whole being-locked-in-a-trunk thing. Paulie giggles and hassles him some more, which results in a torrent of profanity that's extreme even by Sopranos standards. While Paulie holds a gun to Drunk Guy's head, Christopher digs in the trunk for a shovel. Then we fade to a Fargo-esque shot of snow falling on cedars as they make their way through the woods. Actually, it's really nothing like Fargo at all, but with Buscemi in the chair, the comparison just seems to come naturally. ["It's actually a dead ringer for a scene in Miller's Crossing, another Coen Brothers movie that Buscemi also appeared in, albeit briefly." -- Sars] Paulie teases Drunk Guy about being stuck out in the woods in his pajamas (like that's really the worst of his problems at this point), and when they finally pick a spot, he rips off the tape binding Drunk Guy's hands. He hands over the shovel and commands DG to start digging, and to use some "of that Siberian action," because the ground is hard. DG swears a bit more in Russian, claiming that the cold doesn't bother him, because he "washes [his] balls in ice water." Heh. Maybe the Russian kid Furio kicked should try that. As Drunk Guy digs, Paulie explains that they "didn't come to your house to kill you. That mouth of yours…you gotta learn to shut the fuck up." After eleven episodes, I am completely and totally out of pot/kettle jokes, so you'll just have to make up your own here. Although, given what happens later on in this episode, I'm mildly surprised he doesn't pull off a shoe, bang it vehemently on the nearest tree, and exclaim, "We will bury you!" Although I suppose if he did, it'd mean that he'd probably also be able to tell the difference between Chechnya and Czechoslovakia. He'd still invade them both, though. Anyway, Drunk Guy makes a few feeble stabs at digging, and then suddenly whacks both Paulie and Christopher with the shovel (including a nasty blow to Chris's forehead) and takes off into the woods. The boys slowly climb back to their feet and give chase, firing their guns all the while. This is no knock on Stevie, but just once I'd like to see a chase through the woods where the director doesn't rely on quick cuts with varying depth of field every time the characters pass a tree. Paulie finally gets off one last shot, and with a spray of blood shooting off of his head, Drunk Guy goes down like a French prizefighter. Not a Russian prizefighter, mind you, because Ivan Drago could have wiped the floor with these two losers. Paulie and Chris speculate over whether or not they got him, but when they check the area, the body is gone. Chris has got a HUGE welt on his forehead. They follow DG's bloody tracks for a few yards, but then the footprints stop, and they can't find him anywhere. As they walk off to search, Buscemi cuts to a high-angle shot looking down the trunk of a tree at them. I too thought that meant Drunk Guy had climbed the tree, but further review indicates that there's no branches he could have used for purchase. I honestly have no idea how he managed to disappear.

Das Sopranohaus. AJ watches some sort of a milk-carton-related music video while Tony futzes around in the kitchen. Carmela comes downstairs, sporting a Russian-style fur hat, and heads off to the market. Meanwhile, out in the woods, Paulie and Christopher are still searching when Tony calls on the cell phone. Paulie explains that they had a bit of a problem, and that "the package…hit Chrissy with an implement and ran off." The call starts breaking up as Tony frantically asks if there's any way "the package" could have survived. AJ sits in the foreground, listening to all this with a raised eyebrow. Eventually, after much static and screaming, Tony hangs up, still worried about his meeting with Joey Stalin, because he "could be walking into a fucking buzz-saw." Out in the woods, Paulie and Christopher bitch about the boss while Christopher searches for a match to light his cigarette. Unfortunately, they both left their lighters in the car. Now that sucks. Of all the things that happen to them for the rest of the episode, that's still probably the one that would piss me off the most. All those cigarettes, and no fire to light them with. You know what? Hang on a sec. Flick. Ahhh. Much better. The boys decide that Drunk Guy must be dead, and head back to the car. When Christopher questions Paulie's sense of direction, however, Paulie replies, "Four years in the army, kid. We just follow our own footsteps." Fade to the official Forest-Montage-Of-Passing-Time, and come back to Christopher bitching that they've been walking in circles. Paulie tries to do some orienteering based on the direction of the sun, but Chrissy bemoans the fact that they're clearly lost. I'm again surprised that Cadillac passed up on the opportunity to mention the usefulness of the "NorthStar" system in these situations. There's more bickering, and then they head off.

Tony walks nervously into an office (presumably in the bowels of the Kremlin somewhere), and finds Joey Stalin sitting at his desk. Stalin introduces Tony to his daughter, who is apparently doing her homework while Daddy sits and counts his dirty money. So that's the way it is in their family. Stalin sends the girl out, explaining that his dream is that someday she "goes to Harvard in Massachusetts." Which is a good thing, because I've heard the one in Ohio sucks. They bond over their families, and Tony hands over another duffel bag full of cash to be laundered. He also notices the very large pistol on Stalin's desk. "So how's your, uh, friend?" he asks, clearly not knowing Drunk Guy's name any better than I do. "Valery?" replies Stalin, and a cheer was heard throughout the land. Stalin is worried that Valery might have messed up and not paid Silvio, because while they were like brothers in the army, Valery is now "a tragic figure." The alcoholism has cost him his friends and his family, but Stalin feels loyalty to him, because Drunk Guy saved his life in Chechnya. He even almost cries when he talks about it. Tony looks properly chastened as Stalin pledges that he "would do anything for [The Drunk Guy]."

Cut back to the Pine Barrens, with Paulie answering his cell phone once again. Tony explains that he's going to talk fast, and relates that Drunk Guy once killed sixteen Chechens with his bare hands. He was some sort of Russian "Green Beret" commando with the Interior Ministry (read: KGB, or FSB, or whatever they're calling it these days). Tony is emphatic: "This guy cannot come back to tell his story, okay?" That much Paulie did hear. The connection gets broken, and just like in every game of telephone you ever played as a child, the story gets a little twisted when Paulie passes it along to Christopher. "You’re not going to believe this. The guy killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. He was an interior decorator." Chris is more than a little confused by this, saying, "His house looked like shit." Yeah, but I so want that universal remote. I have to hit like seventeen buttons just to turn on the damn VCR.

More Forest-Montages-Of-Passing-Time, this time with a flock of passing birds. Guns still drawn, the boys wander through the woods, wondering if they killed Valery or not. "Fucking Rasputin, this guy," mutters Paulie, and again I wonder where he comes by all his knowledge. He must have a seriously interesting educational background. Suddenly, Christopher spots something moving, and they both begin blasting away at it. Chris gives chase, but Paulie takes a tumble and slides down a hillside. Finally they find their target: a deer. "If we were trying, we wouldn't have come close," sighs Christopher, and then Paulie finally arrives to report that he's lost his shoe.

By Aaron

Columbia. Meadow calls Little Lord Fuckpants and gets his answering machine. She leaves a short message, and then heads down the hall in her fluffy blue bathrobe (what happened to the kimono she used to have?) and asks to borrow her neighbor's car. Because all college students are willing to lend their precious vehicles to robe-clad, clearly sick classmates.

Gloria's house. She's sitting on the couch, doing a pretty good job of looking pissed off and stood up, when there's a knock at the door. She opens it for Tony and snarks, "If I wanted to be treated like shit, I'd have gotten married." He makes his way inside, apologizes, and suggests that they go out, anywhere she wants. That seems to be Tony's solution every time a girl gets mad at him, although to be fair, he does have a pretty high rate of success with it. He snuggles beside her on the couch, continuing the conciliation, and she finally manages to forgive him.

I guess I'm not the only one bothered by having cigarettes and no lighter, because Chris is now outside the van, exuberantly rubbing two sticks together with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Suddenly, he hears a twig snapping off in the woods, and quickly climbs back into the van. Paulie is in the back, ripping up some carpet and bitching about how all this should have been Silvio's problem. Well, Paulie, when you learn guitar and join a famous rock band, you won't have to put up with this kind of crap either. Paulie complains about Tony treating him like a child. "You have any idea the money I've made for him? Or his father before him? And now all I hear about is cocksucker [Joey Pants]." On that one, I can sympathize with Paulie, because I've felt the same way all season. They huddle together in the front seat under their carpet blanket, and Paulie explains his plan. The van must have been driven in somehow, so he wants Christopher's shoes so that he can walk out for help. Christopher, however, refuses to be left alone. "What, don't you trust me?" asks Paulie, and that's a loaded question if ever I've heard one (and I have -- "What do you know about New Jersey?"). When Chris describes Paulie's plan as stupid, we get some great back and forth:

Paulie: So what's your fucking plan? Eat ketchup packs?
Christopher: We should have stopped at Roy Rogers like I said.
Paulie: Yeah, and I should have fucked Dale Evans when I had the chance, but I didn't.
Heh. Paulie tries to call Tony again, because he's afraid "[they're] gonna die out here." Cut to Tony at Gloria's, and he's got the Moroccan robe on. StR is a surprisingly high 2,311. I guess Buscemi isn't as adept at all the show's nuances as some of the other directors we've had this season. Then again, let's wait until I finish this paragraph before coming to that particular conclusion. Paulie whines about their predicament, and Tony warns him to "take it easy." "I'm through taking it easy," snaps Paulie, "we're fucking starving out here." Paulie begs Tony to come pick them up, and then there's some discussion of their exact location in South Jersey that I don't pay attention to because I'm busy constructing a small pyre upon which I plan to burn Martin Brodeur in effigy. Tony asks to talk to Christopher, who reports that he thinks he might have a concussion. "Hang in there," says Tony, and then Chris asks him to bring some food. "And some fucking shoes, too," shouts Paulie. Back at Gloria's, Tony stands up and starts getting dressed, claiming he's got to go. Gloria freaks out again, yelling and screaming and flinging a whole slab of meat at the back of Tony's head. He stares her down for a moment and then silently walks out, leaving her to trash her own home in anger.

Okay, so a few weeks ago I suggested that David Chase might be speed-writing episodes based on what he reads here at Marx-Brezhnev TV, but now I know it for a fact. Think about it. Someone slams Silvio on the forums, and he vanishes for the entire episode. I make cracks about robes, free shoes, and free meat, and here they are, ALL IN THE SAME SCENE. I've already discussed the Drunk Guy incident, so I'm left to wonder, just what the heck is going on here? Am I psychic or just lucky? Do David Chase and I share some sort of meaty, robe-related bond? Is Aaron the Narcoleptic Doppelganger the personification of our role in shaping the show? Or am I just thinking way to much about all this? You decide. Although if they were reading MBTV, it would explain why Cerbone hasn't taken his shirt off yet. The guy is clearly a functional illiterate, so he probably just can't read what the forums are telling him. Maybe you guys should try "Show us your ass." At least we know he knows that one.

Meadow and her dorm-mate are staked out in front of Little Lord Fuckpants's place, waiting for him to come out. Meadow knows he's cheating on her, because she "could hear it in his voice," and the friend describes the car inspection story as bullshit. "But what if he's not?" backtracks Meadow. "Doing this would make me even worse than him."

Junior's Joint. Tony comes in and apologizes for waking Junior, who doesn't mind, since the chemo keeps him up all night anyway. He offers Tony some tea, and mentions that Bobby Bacala is on his way over. Then he asks, "Have you been eating steak?" Heh. Tony grumpily grabs a bottle of Scotch from under the sink, but all that changes when Bobby walks in, attired in camouflage hunting gear and a bright orange vest. His hat even has earflaps. Tony loses it, and cracks up laughing hysterically, and we pan to Junior, shaking his head at his uncouth nephew. "Fuck this shit," snarls Bobby in probably the strongest statement he's ever made, but Junior orders him to go with Tony and do as he's told. As Tony walks off to borrow a non-meat-coated shirt, he giggles some more, prompting Bobby to sigh, "I've got my limits too, you know."

Back at the Fuckpants Pad. The lights go out, and Car Friend warns Meadow to be strong as they wait for LLFP to emerge. He does, with some blonde ho in tow, and Meadow gets out of the car to bust them. They stare at each other for a moment, and then she cries, "Don't ever call me again," before jumping right back into the car and screeching away. Jackie looks freaked out as she goes, but the ho loves it, screaming, "Yeah, you better leave, bitch." "What the fuck is the matter with you," replies Jackie, "that's Tony Soprano's daughter." Oh, I don't think it's the ho who's gonna be in trouble after that little scene. Little Lord Fuckpants is more than a little fucked now.

Out on the Jersey Turnpike, Tony and Bobby are headed south. Bobby explains that he used to go hunting with his late dad every year, and that's how he knows so much about the woods. Tony apologizes for laughing, and Bobby accepts, and it is nice to see these two interacting on a more personal level. Bobby then spoils the mood by telling a joke (involving the phrase "bear left") that's so bad that I'm afraid to repeat it here, because this week's recap will likely lose whatever meager measure of humor it's managed to accumulate. Tony ignores the joke, and lets Bobby know how much he appreciates that he takes care of Uncle Junior. "He really loves you, you know," says Bobby, but Tony doesn't believe it. "I know you've had your problems sometimes," says Bobby wistfully, "but sometimes I wish he was my uncle." Aww. Bobby is so totally the sweet ying to Furio's sassy yang, and I love him for it.

Snow-van. Christopher wakes up, and apparently he and Paulie are REALLY cold and tired, because they start quoting old Spin Doctors songs. "What time is it?" asks Christopher, and Paulie answers, "4:30." Does anybody but me even remember the Spin Doctors? 1992 never seemed so long ago. Christopher then switches to quoting Dumb & Dumber when he notices that Paulie has had Tic-Tacs all along without sharing. Then he climbs out of the van to grab some of the potentially poisonous berries.

Back at the roundabout, Tony and Bobby arrive, but Paulie's Caddy is gone. Bobby, who's got a portable searchlight, scans the woods around them while Tony calls Paulie on his cell phone. They can't hear each other at all this time, though, and Paulie sums up this week's cell phone story arc by beating the phone against the dashboard and screaming, "Cocksucker motherfucker!" Chris comes back over and asks if that was Tony on the phone. Then he unzips and starts pissing right outside Paulie's door. "Do that by your own window," shouts Paulie. "I don't want to smell your piss." Or get it on his shoelaces, for that matter. Of course, if this really were Dumb & Dumber, he'd be happy about how warm it was. Then again, the whole Paulie/Christopher relationship could be categorized as Dumb & Dumber, so what do I know? Chris refuses to move, and Paulie gets angry. "Don't make me pull rank on you, kid." Christopher couldn't care less: "Captain or no captain, right now we're just two assholes lost in the woods." Paulie tells him to shut up and go back to sleep. "Why, so you can choke me?" answers Christopher, "I heard you on the phone, trying to blame this shit on me. You fucked up with the Russian, and now you're worried about Tony. You wait 'til I'm asleep, and then you choke me so he’ll just have your version." At the time I didn't think Paulie would ever actually go that far, but by the end of the episode, I think he was prepared to do just that. Paulie gets out of the van and actually does start choking Chris, who immediately draws his gun and points it at Paulie's head, saying, "I'll leave you here, you one-shoe cocksucker. You know how fast I can run." Paulie tries to calm him, saying, "With all the shit we've been through, you really think I'd try to kill you?" Just like I did last week, Chris answers, "Yes. Yes I do." Then he starts giggling like a schoolgirl, and walks away. He promises not to leave Paulie behind, but he can't stop laughing, and Paulie doesn't seem to know what to make of all this.

Over at Tony's car, he's pounding on the horn and yelling for the boys. Bobby suggests that they wait until light and then head into the woods, and an obviously cold Tony immediately climbs back into his truck.

Columbia's Medical Center. Ooh, maybe Meadow is there to get some of those good drugs Caitlin had a few episodes back. Or not, as a nurse removes a thermometer from her mouth and announces that she has a temperature of a hundred and one. Speaking of Roommate Cait, she shows up just then to ask Meadow if she's okay. The Car Friend explains the situation, but Meadow just can't let go. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have pressured him like that." Caitlin tries to convince her of the truth, casting a blanket meta-statement about the character as a whole by replying, "I mean he was cute, but he's really boring." "You didn't know him like I do. You don't know what it was like to grow up where we did," sniffs Meadow, and on that I'll give her some points, but it still doesn't explain what anyone would see in Jackie Jr. Except for his trapezius muscles, of course. Car Friend describes Fuckpants as "a drip," but Meadow yells, "No he wasn't. He was great," before rolling over and burying her head in the pillow.

Snow-van. The morning after. Paulie is busy fashioning himself a free shoe out of carpet, while Christopher watches admiringly. "Check out Bruno Magli over here," he says, and that's a joke even an OJ hater can love. They leave the van behind, with Paulie declaring that the directions don’t matter because he's "not stopping until [they] hit cement." In another part of the forest, Bobby cleverly references both the actual local legend and The X-Files episode entitled "The Jersey Devil" when he relates the story of the "strange people" that used to live in these woods -- i.e. the "Jackson Whites, these weird-looking albinos." Meanwhile, Chris and Paulie daydream about hitting Denny's for a Grand Slam breakfast (and again, hang on a sec. I'll be right back. Slurp. Ahhh.). Paulie slips into a snow bank, and his carefully constructed carpet footwear slides off. Since we've already had a number of Survivor references in this week's recap, I'll just point out that he probably should have consulted perky footwear designer Elizabeth Filarski. I tried to consult her for research on this recap, but then most of Seattle Seahawks offensive line threatened to beat the crap out of me unless I stopped calling. I apologized and sent them over to Jason Arnott's house, so that seems to have worked out pretty well. Paulie gets furious and flings the wedge of carpet across the clearing. Then he pulls out his pistol and empties it into the poor rug. Which also makes me wonder just how much ammo these guys were carting when they went to pick up Silvio's money, but that's a nitpick for another day. Across the woods, Tony and Bobby hear the shooting, and immediately start running in that direction. Well, Tony starts running. Bobby very coolly takes the time to fire off a shot of his own, and Paulie and Christopher start frantically waving their arms when they realize help is near. Of course, it's not near enough that it can actually see them, so all the arm waving is sort of pointless. The two teams run towards each other, finally meeting in a shot that almost seems straight out of The Sound of Music. Reunited at last, the crew all heads back to the car.

When they get there, Paulie is pissed to discover that his car is missing. Tony seems to be the only who grasps that it was probably Drunk Guy who stole it, but that may just be because Paulie is too busy whining about his toes. Chris immediately dives into a cooler of sandwiches, and Tony asks for the money they were supposed to have collected. Paulie sadly admits that the cash was in the car as well, and that the whole thing "couldn't be helped." Tony turns to look at Christopher, who thinks for a minute and then backs up Paulie's story. They debate whether or not to go after Valery again (like, hello?! He stole the car!), but Paulie assures Tony that he hit Drunk Guy in the head. Bobby says that it's possible that the guy could have made it out even with a head wound. "You're a captain," says Tony to Paulie. "What do you want to do?" Paulie says they should go home. "All right," replies Tony. "But let's be clear on this right now. If this cocksucker crawls out from under a rock, he's your problem, not mine. You deal with Slava. You take the heat. You pay the price. Capisce?"

By Aaron

Back in the snow-van, Paulie and Christopher debate over whether or not to go after Valery. Paulie says no, exclaiming that "it's the fucking Yukon out there." Heh. Chris searches the floor of the van, finding a old bag of junk food that contains a few packets of ketchup. The boys are thrilled, and dive right in, sucking the ketchup out of the packets. That gets a double heh, only because I was once forced to do the same thing during a late-night study session when I was miles away from the nearest convenience store. "Not bad. Mix it with the relish," suggest Paulie, but I can tell you from hard-won experience that it's way better with the mayonnaise.

Aom Conpaho. That's not the actual Cyrillic for "Soprano House," but it's close enough. Just as the family finishes up dinner, Carmela's parents arrive, breaking the bad news that Mr. DeAngelis is suffering from glaucoma. And while I know that some of our forum posters could probably suggest a few herbal remedies for that particular illness, Carmela seems to take the news pretty hard. Tony gets a call on his cell phone, and Paulie steps out of the snow-van to explain that they still can't find The Drunk Guy. "That's really fucking great," mutters Tony, and Mrs. DeAngelis gets upset. "That language. Is that really necessary?" she asks. Obviously she doesn't read the fucking recaps, because if she did, she'd know that's the funniest goddamn part. Tony, however, mollifies her by heading out to the living room. Paulie explains that they're still lost and huddled in an old truck, but the connection starts going wonky again. Paulie manages to make out Tony asking if he should be happy about the whole scenario, and replies, "No. It's just your nephew. Sometimes he don't think before he acts. That's all I'm gonna say." In the background, we can see Christopher (or more properly, Christopher's stand-in, who looks nothing like him) peering out through the frost covered window. "We'll talk later," says Paulie, before hanging up. Tony walks back to the kitchen, and is about to leave for Gloria's when Carmela reminds him that her father is sick. He thinks for a beat, and then nods his head and returns to the table.

By Aaron

Paulie: So what's your fucking plan? Eat ketchup packs?
Christopher: We should have stopped at Roy Rogers like I said.
Paulie: Yeah, and I should have fucked Dale Evans when I had the chance, but I didn't.
Heh. Paulie tries to call Tony again, because he's afraid "[they're] gonna die out here." Cut to Tony at Gloria's, and he's got the Moroccan robe on. StR is a surprisingly high 2,311. I guess Buscemi isn't as adept at all the show's nuances as some of the other directors we've had this season. Then again, let's wait until I finish this paragraph before coming to that particular conclusion. Paulie whines about their predicament, and Tony warns him to "take it easy." "I'm through taking it easy," snaps Paulie, "we're fucking starving out here." Paulie begs Tony to come pick them up, and then there's some discussion of their exact location in South Jersey that I don't pay attention to because I'm busy constructing a small pyre upon which I plan to burn Martin Brodeur in effigy. Tony asks to talk to Christopher, who reports that he thinks he might have a concussion. "Hang in there," says Tony, and then Chris asks him to bring some food. "And some fucking shoes, too," shouts Paulie. Back at Gloria's, Tony stands up and starts getting dressed, claiming he's got to go. Gloria freaks out again, yelling and screaming and flinging a whole slab of meat at the back of Tony's head. He stares her down for a moment and then silently walks out, leaving her to trash her own home in anger.
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By Aaron

As they cruise the back roads towards the Turnpike, everyone in the car is silent, presumably wondering the same thing I am at this point, which is: "It's 9:59. Shouldn't the episode be over by now?" Tony checks out Paulie in the rearview mirror, and then points out a smear of mayonnaise on his face. Paulie wipes it away just like the sullen little boy that he is, and I half expect Christopher to pipe up with "are we there yet?" Oh, the stories I could tell about me and my sister in the back seat. Mom doesn't fly well, so we've taken some doozies of vacations in that car. Finally, to the lilting strains of opera music, the car drives off into the sunset. Or sunrise, as the case may be.

By Aaron

Apparently, the editors were a bit concerned about it being 9:59 as well, because the scene starts with an abrupt cut to Tony, who's right in the middle of a sentence. Perhaps we'll see the rest of the scene on the season three DVD. Anyway, he's in Melfi's office, and he's quite worked up when describing Gloria's hot-and-cold routine. "You said she seemed like a happy person," responds Melfi, and that sets off Tony even more. "Oh, and by that I'm supposed to know she's gonna throw a roast beef at my head?" Heh. "Why does everything gotta be so hard?" laments Tony, and I've asked that same question myself at least a hundred times. Just today. "I think we should discuss what attracted you to Gloria in the first place, and Irina before her," Melfi ponders, "Depressive personalities…impossible to please. Does that remind you of any other woman?" Tony shakes his head no, but we all know exactly who she's talking about. After all, Mr. T and his unhappy women (and wouldn't that make a great movie. For Richard Gere or Mr. T) were the theme of this show long before the free meat ever came along. And thus ends the longest episode of The Sopranos ever. Only two more weeks to go.

Ronald Reagan: Heh. Sounds like Nancy. You know, she once threw a entire bottle of jellybeans right at my head.
David Chase: Did she catch you trading arms for hostages?
Ronald Reagan: Nah. I was borking an intern. By the way, geddit? "Bork"ing?
David Chase: Yeah. Very funny. Well, funnier than the "bear left" joke, anyway.
Mikhail Gorbachev: I believe you have saying in your country: "Man, ain't actors a pain in the ass?" Is true, no?
Ronald Reagan: All right, that's it, you little Commie punk. They may call me the Great Communicator, but you're about to get a Great Ass Kicking.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Bring it on, comrade. It will be morning in America for your funeral.
David Chase: Everyone say it along with me: Both of you, get out. Now.
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Sopranos TV Show - Pine Barrens - Sopranos Photos &amp; Videos, Sopranos Reviews &amp; Sopranos Recaps | TWoP

Sopranos TV Show - Pine Barrens - Sopranos Photos & Videos, Sopranos Reviews & Sopranos Recaps | TWoP