You're kidding, right? It's only 9:54, for God's sake. No commercials? No movie promos? No "It's not TV. It's HBO"? Great. That's just great. My permanently gnarled note-taking right hand salutes you. Or it would, if I could straighten out the appropriate finger.
Without so much as thirty seconds for a bathroom break, we're unceremoniously dumped into, well, a dump. Some garbage men (er, sorry. Sanitation engineers) scurry about, and suddenly a bomb explodes, showering a truck with flames. Much like the first episode, we get a newspaper headline reminding us of the mob war over garbage contracts. Instead of yet another shot of Tony fetching said paper in his robe, however, we now pan up to see him lying in a pool of what appears to be blood. He still got the robe on, though. By the way, word on the pants thing, Sars. Carmela comes home with some groceries and immediately rushes over when she sees him on the floor. Tony wakes up (because who really thought he was dead?), and she asks him what happened. He looks confused for a moment, and then answers, "Uncle Ben." He was mauled by a bear? Oh, wait, that's Gentle Ben. Never mind.
Because I'm bored, and writing this recap at work, I initially flirted with the idea of doing this paragraph backwards, since everything now kicks into reverse, and we see the events leading up to Tony's collapse. Twenty-seven words, two Tylenol, and one really bad "Paul is dead" joke later, I finally came to my senses. Tony comes to his as well, and bounces back up off the floor. We see him making himself some lunch, then backing into the living room where he chats with Meadow and a random guy before zipping back up the stairs and out of sight. Now I know this show likes to defy TV conventions and paint a surrealistic picture of gangster angst (talking fish, anyone?), but this one was a little too jarring to be as effective as they probably hoped. Being clever can be fun, but the tenor of a show like The Sopranos is based on something altogether different (by the way, see what I did there?), and sometimes it's easy to go too far ("creamed his jeans", anyone?).
So Tony comes down the steps, facing forward and at normal speed. Meadow is in the living room, getting a tape out of the VCR. She tells him she's watching Public Enemy for a class. They banter about wasted tuition fees, and then the random guy emerges from the bathroom, commenting that "your mom really likes lavender." He introduces himself as Noah Tannenbaum, and it seems that my plea for Jewish names from the episode one recap has been answered. Since I'm a sucker for irony, I'll point out that while Tannenbaum is indeed a common Jewish name, it also means "Christmas tree" in the original German. Noah starts prattling on about mob movies and images of hyper-capitalism in the blah blah studio systemcakes. I tune out and start picturing him with a little angel on his head. And maybe some tinsel. Tony asks if he and Meadow are dating. "It's a little too early to tell," he replies, and that is so the wrong answer when you're talking to the dad, especially this one.
Tony sports an evil grin as he throws his arm around Noah and leads him to the foyer. In a blatantly transparent effort to determine Noah's racial lineage, Tony starts quizzing him on his background. Noah says his parents are in "the business," and we're apparently supposed to think he means the mob business, but then he clarifies it to "show business." Tony asks if his parents were in "those old Tarzan movies," and this is beginning to look like it could get ugly. Noah, however, doesn't seem to get it, so Tony starts asking him which boxes he checked on his application to Columbia. Noah reveals that he checked African-American, and Tony seems to be getting a real kick out of messing with the kid when he oh so politely tries to confirm that Noah is indeed a "charcoal briquette." Noah at long last figures out what's going on here, and I gotta say, for an Ivy League boy, he's kinda slow on the uptake. He swears at Tony, who laughs it off and tells him that "when [his] little girl comes down those stairs, you'll say it was nice to meet me. Then you're going to drop her off and say goodbye." Gandolfini so totally channels Brando on this last line reading that I halfway expect Martin Sheen to show up in a boat and try to kill him. That'll probably have to wait until the Emmys. Anyway, Meadow comes down the stairs to find a speechless Noah, who immediately turns and sulks straight out of the house.
So a lot of people have been discussing whether Noah was out of line or not (he was showing off a bit, but Tony's the one in the wrong here), but what I find interesting are Meadow's motives. It's not like she couldn't have found a VCR on campus, so it's pretty clear she wanted Dad to see her new half-black boyfriend. And she certainly knows him well enough to anticipate precisely this reaction, so why leave them alone together? On the other hand, I seriously doubt that a minor case of cockiness is the worst thing we're going to see out of Noah this season. On this show, everyone is a bad guy.
With kids finally out of the house, Tony fills out the rest of the reversal by heading into the kitchen and angrily starting to make a sandwich. He opens the cabinet, sees a box of Uncle Ben's rice, and passes out right on the kitchen floor. I suppose that's better than landing in the fire. Once he hits the ground again, we immediately cut to later. Carmela has Tony seated at the table, and she's treating a wound on his forehead. She warns him not to "instigate" things with Meadow. "If you keep playing the race card, you'll drive her right into his arms." And a not-guilty verdict, but that's a different story. Carmela tells him to stay out of it, and to let her handle the situation. Tony muses on what his father would have done if either of his sisters had brought home an African-American, only that's not the word he uses. The scene ends with a full frontal shot of him in his boxers and undershirt, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the robe.
Have you ever done something that seemed like a really good idea at the time, but turned out to be a huge mistake? You know, kind of like offering to recap a movie like Wonder Boys. Well, I think that's what happened here, as Tony heads over to Livia's house for one final chat. For those that haven't seen it, the entire scene takes place in Livia's den, with Tony standing and her in a chair. They've taken snippets and outtakes of Nancy Marchand from the past two seasons, digitally mapped them onto a stand-in actress, and grafted together a scene that not only isn't a very fitting farewell, it's actually barely even coherent. Plus Livia's hair changes in virtually every shot, and more often than not, her head is way too small for her body. It's all very sad, and I have to believe that it looked a lot better in the script than it did on the screen. I can just see the story meeting now…
George Lucas: It's gonna look great!
David Chase: I don't know…
George Lucas: Don't worry. We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic actress.
David Chase: What about Jar Jar?
George Lucas: We don't like to talk about that one.
Anyway, Tony is there because he brought her some books on tape, which is a nice nod to their first scenes together in season one. Livia is her usual unappreciative self, and they go back and forth a bit before her nurse Svetlana hobbles over. Tony discovers that the "Granny Remembers" baby journals he gave her when the kids were born are all still blank. The rest of the scene is all about him chewing her out for not filling in the journals, and trying to make sure she's not planning to testify against him on the airline ticket thing. Towards the end, they give up on even trying to make the Livia-bot talk, and instead she's reduced to grunts and arm-waving. At first I thought the baby journal thing was a little weird, but given the way the season two premiere turned out to telegraph pretty much the entire season, I'm betting that family history will be playing a major role this year.
The opening crawl from Public Enemy scrolls across the screen, describing the gangsters from the film. It reads (in part), "[These] men…are a problem that sooner or later we, the public, must solve." Cut to Tony, drink in hand, watching from his recliner. He's laughing and enjoying the movie until Meadow enters, and then his face goes flat. She pauses for a minute, and then comes over and starts tearing into him for what he said to Noah. Tony, however, remains unrepentant. Before things can get too heated, Carmela calls Meadow upstairs. As she climbs the steps, Meadow yells back, "Is my laundry done?" and if you think Livia is tough, you can't even begin to imagine what my mom would have done if I'd pulled a stunt like that. ["No shit. The tone of voice alone would have gotten me launched into orbit." -- Sars] Tony tries to go back to watching the movie, but he's too distracted, and instead opts to head out back and enjoy a cigar and, apparently, a quick romp through the sprinkler system.
George Lucas: Dude, that crawl was weak. It wasn't even slanted.
David Chase: Shut up, George.
When he comes back inside, he's a little disconcerted to find Carmela, Meadow, and AJ all in the kitchen, staring at him. Carmela gets right to the point: "Your mother just died." Tony chuckles and says "you're kidding," but her look is enough to let him know she isn't. She tells him that Svetlana called, and said that Livia died in her bed, just after dinner. Tony stumbles a bit before dropping into a chair. "She's dead?" he asks, and Carmela says, "I'm sorry." Meadow offers a reluctant second to that, but makes sure he knows it's just about his Mom dying. AJ says it too, and I have to compliment Robert Iler in this scene, because I was just about that age when my grandparents died, and he's got the feeling down pat. Tony tells the kids emphatically that their grandmother loved them, and then shares an almost tender look with Carmela.
Cut to Livia's house. Tony and Carmela pull up just as the ambulance pulls away, and between this and Buffy I'm just gonna take a minute and go call Mom. I'll be right back.
Okay, I feel better now. I'm a little bitter about the whole laundry thing, but I still love her. Anyway, Tony and Carmela head inside. Svetlana tells them that Livia died of a massive stroke. She also apologizes to Tony for not getting Livia to finish the journals on time, and seems genuinely sorry about it. Tony has to explain the baby book thing to Carmela, who isn't at all surprised that Livia would do something like that.
Back at the house, AJ is struggling with his homework. Meadow notices his frustration and asks, "What's your beef?" "That asshole, Robert Frost," replies AJ. Hee. Meadow remembers the poem from her high-school days, and AJ asks her to explain it. He recites the quotable passage "…I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep," just so we all know which poem it is. Meadow attempts to use the Socratic method to enlighten him, but AJ's denseness quickly reduces her to questions like "And what kind of horse wears bells?" When they finally establish that the horse is pulling a sleigh, AJ says, "Oh! It's a Thanksgiving poem, like 'Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go.'" Okay, heh, but no one is that stupid. Meadow explains that all the white snow symbolizes death, and AJ finally gets what the poem is about. As she leaves, he calls out, "I thought black was death?" and Meta-Meadow responds, "White can be, too." The scene ends with a strange (but beautifully shot) moment where AJ hears a noise, and calls out, "Grandma?"
At Livia's, Tony is on the phone with his sister. Barbara says "I just can't believe this." "What are you gonna do?" asks Tony. Barbara says she'll call Janice. They discuss funeral arrangements, and Barbara reminds Tony that Livia didn't want any kind of a service or memorial. He agrees that they'll pick out "a simple urn or something." They hang up, and Svetlana, with her ever-present cigarette dangling from one lip, pours drinks for Tony and Carmela. She raises her glass, and toasts, "Proshai, Livushka." Folks, we have a title (tm Strega). Tony asks what that means, and Svetlana makes a mockery of my translation skills by replying, "Goodbye, little Livia."
Soprano house. AJ is seated right in front of the TV, watching skateboarding. Silvio, Christopher, and Paulie are on the sofa behind him also watching, though with varying degrees of interest. Tony and Carmela return home, and the boys stand to greet Tony. Silvio hugs him and says, "We all know how much you loved her," and that's exactly why Philly Parisi got whacked last year. Then Paulie hugs him and says, "I can imagine how you must be feeling." Tony shrugs and replies, "What are you gonna do?" Christopher gets his hug in, and then they all lapse into awkward silence. Finally Tony repeats, "What are you gonna do? At least she didn't suffer."
Carmela's parents arrive , and her dad asks, "How's Tony taking it?" Cue Tony off-screen yelling, "Oh what the fuck? Goddamn fucking bitch!" Of course, he's talking about Janice. Barbara is in tears because Janice refused to come to the funeral. Tony says he'll handle it.
Cut to a house, presumably in Seattle. Janice is cooking for some kid who is almost, but not quite, Jaime Kennedy. The kids whines about having to work on Columbus Day. He should get a job at a bank. We don't even work President's Day. They're both wearing bright yellow uniform shirts with a logo I can't make out, so I'm gonna pretend it's Sizzler. They just look like something a Sizzler employee would wear. When the phone rings, Janice answers, "Ace's Garage." "You're not coming to your own mother's fucking funeral?" shouts Tony by way of hello. Janice explains that she has good reasons for staying out of New Jersey (i.e. killing Richie Aprile), but Tony tells her the case is cold. Janice complains some more before mentioning that plane tickets are expensive. Tony reminds her that they give special rates for bereavement, but she says it's still $1,100. Wow. Is she taking the Concorde? No wonder Shatner is getting rich off those Priceline.com spots. Tony agrees to pay for the ticket, and tells her that if she doesn't show, she won't get a piece of the estate. He reminds the backstory-challenged that Janice believes Livia has money stashed in her house somewhere. After reassuring her that everyone thinks Richie is in the witness protection program, he offers to fly her son in from Montreal as well. She tells him that the son is now a street person, and that "[Tony's] not the only one with problems."
Pan down to Tony and Carmela, in bed. She's asleep. He's tossing and turning. Finally, he gets up and heads downstairs to watch Public Enemy again. The scene features two siblings, essentially arguing over who loves their mother more. Mom, of course, loves them both, even the one in the mob. Tony obviously takes great comfort from this, because he laughs himself to sleep.
morning. The FBI guys are outside in the van, listening to Tony walk around and whistle. Inside the house, Ralph Cifaretto (aka Joey "Pants" Pantoliano, a.k.a. Guido the killer pimp, Cesar the killer money launderer, Eddie the killer bounty hunter, Cipher the killer, er, you get the idea) arrives, trailing his crew. He hugs Tony and says, "We lost our mom last year." Tony, of course, responds with, "What are you gonna do?" which leads to one of Ralph's crew saying, "At least she didn't suffer." Tony asks to see Ralph and another guy out by the pool, and as they walk out, Janice shows up and starts wailing in grief. They ignore her and leave.
Out back, Tony tears into them for the whole garbage bombing thing. Joey Pants tries to explain that his crew is in line for a garbage contract, but Tony interrupts to remind him that it's not his crew, and he'll "be a captain when [Tony] says he's a captain." Pants snarks back, "And I'll be sure to turn up my hearing aid, so I don't miss it." Joe, man, I love your work, but the hair…what is up with the hair? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the Livia-bot. Joe explains that the county supervisor has been threatening to go to the EPA and bust them, and Tony orders them to fix the situation, but with "No. More. Fires." Cut back to the FBI van, where the basement bug is turning up nothing but AJ calling a friend.
George Lucas: I can try and fix that hair with the computers, you know.
David Chase: That's okay. I kinda like it.
George Lucas: If you want, we could even give him horns, or maybe a couple of big tentacles or something. Ooh, and how about a cute little pet dinosaur for AJ?
David Chase: Step away from the script there, buddy. You got your own franchise to ruin.
Tony and his sisters arrive at the funeral home in an ancient, gated elevator. A friendly, yet vaguely sinister mortician greets them. He pledges to "use all his powers," but Tony says that Livia didn't want a service. Janice finds that hard to accept, and the bickering begins. They argue over whether or not to have a service, and the girls convince Tony to have not only a funeral, but also a wake at his house afterwards. He tells the creepy mortician guy to arrange everything and send him the bill. As they walk out, Janice is gushing about all the things she'll do for the funeral, including a painting featuring "motifs from the Mexican Day of the Dead festival." Tony nods indulgently, until she suggests that everyone share a "remembrance" at the wake. He tells her he doesn't want any of that "California bullshit." I hope the power doesn't go out at his house.
Melfi's office. Silence. Tony asks, "No 'I'm sorry'? No condolences? No 'It's not TV, it's HBO'?" When she doesn't answer, Tony admits that he wanted his mom dead, and was relieved when he heard the news. Melfi quizzes him about his relationship with his mother, and Tony is afraid that he's a bad son. "That's a miserable fucking thing to be, a bad son. They should all fucking die." Gandolfini is rocking this scene. He takes a quiet beat, and then says that he had no reason to be a good son, but he doesn't like to admit it. He defends Livia, and Melfi calls him on it. She explains that grown children often wish that their elderly parents would die. Aww, now I gotta call Mom again. It's not true, Mom. Well, most of the time it isn't. Tony looks hopeful. "So we're done here, right? She's dead."
As if it wasn't bad enough that there aren't even any commercials to rest my aching hand, now we have to endure blatant product placement by a company that I won't name here, just out of spite. Remember this when they try to be cool and mock Survivor later. At least I expected the Doritos and Mountain Dew (by the way, Doritos and Mountain Dew are incredibly refreshing. You should go buy some Doritos and Mountain Dew, like right now. Finish the recap first, though). Anyway, Ray Curto is this season's rat. He offers to wear a wire to the funeral, and the agent actually tells him to pick up some batteries at his local [name withheld]. Way to recoup costs there, HBO.
Cut to Livia's house. Janice is in the basement, tapping on the walls, looking for money. Tony comes in, and she hurriedly sits down before he sees her. He comes down to the basement, and she shows him a picture of Livia that she wants to put on the casket. "Wow. She looks…normal," he says. He tries to play-wrestle with Janice, but she isn't having it. Chastened, he sits beside her. "Now this is fucking weird," she says, and proceeds to tell him that none of hers or Barbara's childhood papers or memories are there. Livia did, however, save everything of Tony's, including a book report he wrote in the seventh grade. You know, one of the great joys of working for MBTV is explaining to everyone just what a "recap" really is. After I told them about the exhaustive research and meticulous attention to detail they require, my friends started referring to them as "book reports." Which they sort of are. Except they're about TV. Also, you can't say "fucking weird" in a book report, even when it's about that asshole Robert Frost. Tony looks through the boxes, and comes across his old football varsity letter. Janice, who's been prattling on this whole time, feels slighted by their mother. "I mean everyone agreed, I had extraordinary visual skills."
Funeral home. We get a close-up of the picture of Livia, and she does look good. It's her wedding shot, and while no one in the forums seems to agree with me, I do think she resembles Buffy's Joyce just a little bit. It's in the cheekbones, I think. Anyway, the service hasn't started yet, and we get a montage of all the characters getting ready. Silvio is pissed he's missing the Jets game, and Furio, Christopher, and Adriana are consuming about fourteen different varieties of drugs. "Every little bit helps," says Adriana. Meanwhile, back at the funeral home, Tony gets flowers and a sympathy card from the Newark FBI office. Heh. Joey Pants arrives and flirts with Carmela, and then we get our first Junior sighting of the new season. He and Tony chat stiffly for a moment, and there doesn't seem to be much love lost between those two. Bobbie Bacala gives Tony a warm hug, and Tony actually seems moved by the sentiment. Then Peter "Boon" Riegert shows up, playing a local politician. He calls Livia a "proud Newark-er," and then they're joined by the Reverend Harold James Jr., the black preacher Tony dealt with in season two. The Reverend references the conversation they had in that episode about the impending death of their mothers, and while they chat, Meadow looks over and sees them together.
Later, Tony catches Junior staring forlornly at Livia's picture. "They're dropping like flies," he moans. "It's all that charcoal-broiled meat you people ate," jokes Tony, but Junior doesn't get it, and sincerely replies, "Nobody told us until the eighties!" Junior goes over and offers to bury the hatchet with Carmela, and then pinches AJ's cheeks to within an inch of their life. Bacala sends him out into the hall to meet with Tony. Junior wants Joey Pants made a captain, and tells Tony not to forget that he's the boss of the family. "I forget nothing," replies Tony, and it's a sure sign that I spend too much time on this site when I equate that sentiment with Pacey, and I don't even watch Dawson's Creek. They argue about who's in charge, and Junior cracks my shit up by saying, "This economy is so robust, you're getting credit for shit you had nothing to do with." Tony shuts him down and stalks off, and we see Ray Curto arriving.
Meanwhile, Joey Pants and his Not Yet Crew roll up on the county supervisor that was giving him grief. "Remember, Tony doesn't want any fires," he says, as the boys start beating the poor guy with baseball bats. Cut to Tony, back at home, and watching Jimmy Cagney's family mourning his death in Public Enemy
At the cemetery, everyone gathers around as a priest says a few words. Tony and Meadow share a glance, and she turns away in disgust. Carmela tells Tony that she's convinced he said something to Noah, but that things are on hold for now. The FBI has a half dozen agents outside the cemetery, taking pictures. As the mourners break up, Janice corners Svetlana and fires her. Then she kicks her out of the house, and demands the "extensive record collection" that Livia bequeathed to her. Svetlana rightly refuses this request, saying she wants to respect Livia's wishes. "This is just about you bogarting those discs for yourself," says Janice, and tells her to have "the whole discography" back at the house by the weekend. Svetlana stalks off, and I gotta say, Aida Turturro does a pretty good job of incorporating some of Nancy Marchand's vocals patterns in her speech. Sometimes she sounds just like her.
And again with the strange editing. Suddenly it's season one, and Artie Bucco is visiting Livia in the hospital. She spills the beans, and informs him that Tony is the one who torched his old restaurant. Just then, Charmaine shakes him awake and tells him to start serving the guests. We're at the Soprano house now, and out in the foyer, Meadow and AJ are greeting the guests. Tony observes to Carmela that Meadow is "turning into a robot, like the rest of us," and on cue, Meadow recites the episode's other mantra, "At least she didn't suffer." She catches Tony watching her, and gives him the stink-eye. Cut to Hesh, telling a Rabbi joke about an unpopular man's funeral. The boys all crack up, but then shut up quick when Tony approaches. Meanwhile, the women are all gathered in the kitchen, where Carmela is knocking back the drinks.
George Lucas: I like the catchphrase thing. "At least she didn't suffer…" "What are you gonna do…"
David Chase: Thanks.
George Lucas: It's still not as cool as "Use the force," though.
David Chase: Yeah, I know. But what are you gonna do?
Upstairs, Furio is doing Survivor shtick. He wants to hijack the winner for twenty-five percent of the winnings. As Tony opens a closet door, we get a quick glimpse of Big Pussy's reflection in the mirror. Tony closes the cabinet and looks distressed for a moment, before putting on a brave face and playing along with Survivor gag.
At this point, Janice gathers everyone in the "great room" to share "a remembrance or a feeling about the woman who has brought us all here today." As the guests all file in, Tony asks her what she thinks she's doing. She laughs it off, and proceeds to play Livia's favorite song. It's a old forties-sounding ballad, but Janice looks like she's about to break out into "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" as she listens. Eventually she shuts off the music, and after an uncomfortable silence she singles out Hesh to share a memory. Caught in his own Rabbi joke, the best he can come up with is "she didn't mince words." Talk about damning with faint praise, if I may be permitted a bit of a mince myself. Janice looks around for someone else to share, and when no one does, she volunteers AJ. He's not having it, though, and Carmela tells her to move on. Suddenly, a woman in a wheelchair in the back of the room pipes up that Livia would always call her when someone was dead or in the hospital. Heh. It's even funnier when you know the actress isn't an actress, and won an open casting call to get the bit part. She's pretty good, too. Still more silence, and still more alcohol for Carmela, and then Janice decides to go herself. "Well, most of you will remember that I have an extraordinary visual sense." She goes on and on in this vein, before remembering to at least mention Livia somewhere near the end. Then she guilts Tony because Mom saved his stuff and not hers. He tells her to wrap it up, and yet another person says, "At least she didn't suffer." With that, Tony turns and walks out.
Christopher takes this opportunity to launch into a drawn-out drug-induced rant about how no two people are supposed to be exactly alike, but there's no way to prove it because you'd have to get everyone together in one place, and "obviously that's not possible, even with computers." All I can say to that is, "Heh."
Outside, Tony is standing by the pool. Artie is taking out the trash, and finds him there. He tells Tony that "[their] little secret" died with Livia. He then kicks the garbage all over the patio, yelling that "everyone's in there telling stories about her, and I got a beaut." He storms back inside, and Tony rushes after him, trying to calm him down.
Inside, Christopher finally winds up his train of thought. Artie comes into the room, and is about to spill the restaurant burning beans when Carmela exclaims, "This is such a crock of shit!" At long last, she tees off on Livia. "What kind of example am I setting, smiling and passing out cheese puffs over a woman we all know was incredibly dysfunctional?" When Carmela's mom tries to stop her, Carmela's dad stands up and says that they suffered for years with Livia, who basically destroyed their family. He get support from a fellow in-law in Barbara's husband, and Carmela points out that Livia causes strife "from beyond the grave, even." She didn't want a funeral because she thought no one would come. She didn't fill out the journals because she thought no one would read them. "She knew there was a problem." Carmela wraps up her speech by downing yet another drink, and Artie finally gets to speak his mind: "Uh, there's desserts in the dining room if anyone wants them."
George Lucas: You know what would make this scene better?
David Chase: More stoned Christopher?
George Lucas: Well, yeah, but I was thinking Ewoks. Lots of 'em. They could be serving the hors d'oeuvres.
David Chase: Get out. Now.
Tony sits in his recliner, once again watching Public Enemy. And as he watches Ma Powers lovingly care for her doomed gangster son, a single tear rolls down his cheek, and we fade to black.
Proshai, Livushka. We'll miss you.