The remaining eighteen dancers shake and shimmy their way through the introductions, providing me with another opportunity to memorize which one is Chelsea and which is Chelsie, and which one is Kourtni and which one is Courtney. Here are your gulls, and here are your guys.
Joining the judges tonight is Mia Michaels, so get ready for vague touchy-feely and madeup words like "banoodles," which means "insane," according to Mia, who ought to know. Awesomely, she says there are some dancers who she won't be sorry to see go, because she's not super attached to them just yet.
The how-do-we-pad-this-out-to-two-hours question of the week is what the best thing and worst things about the dancers' partners are. I'm putting the over/under on how often the "best thing" is that a partner is "sooo good-looking" at 4.5.
Thayne thinks Chelsea is always positive and then imitates her with some tired head-bobbing hand-snapping. She thinks he's always in a good mood. Worst? Apparently she sleeps a lot. And he's superstitious -- he's always knocking on wood. She also invents the word "exuberating."
Mandy Moore's jazz routine this week is about a king and his forbidden love to the tune "Untouched" by The Veronicas. Mandy seems nonplussed by Thayne constantly knocking on wood. Looking at him in his exposed costume, he's the king of Studio 54, perhaps. Chelsea in a ruff with an overall medieval-French-maid-porn look. This doesn't look like jazz to me so much as contemporary with some hip-hop, with its herky-jerky movements. I'm happy to be wrong, and I'm for melding genres anyway, as long as no one fuses ballet with, say, line-dancing.
Unfortunately, it's actually kind of boring, and Mia gets booed for saying so. She says the concept was cool, but the two of them didn't execute it well enough. She calls Thayne "dumpy" and "not regal enough." She votes for kicking them off the "hot tamale train." Mary didn't like it either, and tells them they are now in the caboose of the hot tamale train. I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing; some people prefer to be in the caboose. Nigel didn't like it either, and rags on their costumes (acknowledging the costumes aren't the dancers' fault) and to continue running the metaphor into the ground, says the hot tamale train has jumped the tracks. Thayne tries to get a little applause sent Mandy's way, and she's in the crowd with a "yeah, thanks, I'm good" expression on her face.
Mark says Chelsie's best attribute is the scent of her hair, while she says he's really quirky. "He's really his own person," she says, but adds she's really outgoing and he's really quiet so it's hard to partner with him sometimes, and he says she's kind of like a little sister.
They're doing the Argentine tango this week, by Alex da Silva. So since they're supposed to look like they want to do each other, the whole brother/sister relationship is going to pose a problem. We watch them learn the steps, and Chelsie talks about how weird it is to be that close to him, since he's like her big brother. Mark calls himself a carnivore, and then "growls" -- and, yeah, judging from that, sexual tension is going to be completely non-existent.
"Mi Confession" by the Gotan Project is the music for the tango, on a stage bathed in red. They're very good, with Chelsea responsible for most of the interesting parts with her leg kicks and twirls. At one point she kicks her leg all the way back and almost nails herself in the head. I'm surprised by Mark's slimy intensity. They're good.
After they stop, Cat helps Chelsie with her "shoe emergency" -- her left pinkie is poking out of the shoe. Cat folds herself all the way down to her knees to stuff the wayward pinkie back where it's supposed to be. I suppose it ups the degree of difficulty of your dance when only ninety percent of your toes are sufficiently shod. ["Mia seems extraordinarily fascinated about the fact that Cat got her hands dirty... almost like she was hitting on her. Interesting." -- Angel]
Mia calls them the "most perfect and odd couple," representing beauty and quirkiness, which are the two qualities she loves the most (apart from hippy-dippy pronouncements about how she loves everything). She calls it fantastical. "You know what I loved about that? Everything," says Mary. She praises Chelsie's leg action, the slips and, uh, ganchos?, and says Mark looked like a movie star, adding he's emerged from the quirkiness and took on the character of the tango. Nigel pretends like he's about to shit on the routine, before saying he liked it, although he would have liked to see a little more fire -- also sleaziness -- from Chelsie, and praises Mark.
Will says the best thing about Jessica is her personality, because she so crazy! Jessica says the best thing about Will is that he's really focused -- which can also be a bad thing. Will says the worst thing about Jessica is her "internal battle," by which he means she's really tough on herself.
They're doing Cicely and Olisa's hip-hop routine. "America finally gets to see me relax and chill out and put a smile on my face!" says Will. America: "Woo!" Jessica appears to be working on some boob-pushing moves.
They dance to Nicole Scherzinger's "Whatever U Like." Well, that would explain the boob-grabbing. Uh-oh -- there are chairs on stage. It's like a hip-hop jazz routine, they use hats as props -- and then is that Russian dancing? They don't seem as synchronized as they need to be, at least not by the end, but it's a high-energy routine, albeit a little too glee-clubby, Jessica mostly.
Mia calls the choreography "ridiculous," by which I think she means "banoodles." She says if Jessica has a partner like Will, she needs to set herself on fire, and that she didn't really buy it from her, that she was like a cheerleader. Then she calls Will a genius. "Do you realize that Mia Michaels just called you a genius?" asks Cat. Will, basically: "Yeah." Heh. I like Will. Mary agrees with Mia, but Nigel defends Jessica. Yes, Nigel. She is hot. He's even nicer to Will, saying he'll be in the top four at the end of the year.
Matt says Kourtni is tall and beautiful, but his favorite feature is her eyes. "Sometimes I get lost in them," he says. Kourtni reciprocates by saying the best thing about Matt is that he's always complimenting her. His worst feature, she says, is that he's a terrible singer. Her worst feature? She doesn't recognize awesome singing. From the video evidence, I'm finding in favor of Matt.
Jean-Marc Genereux is teaching them a foxtrot routine this week. Kourtni is relatively confident Matt's not going to drop her on her head, but Genereux warns everyone to "buckle up!" It's the potentially-most-brain-damaging routine ever!
They dance to "A Foggy Day (In London Town)" by Michael Bublé, Ol' Light Blue Eyes himself. They are graceful and effortless; Kourtni falls backwards and Matt catches her before she concusses herself, so that's good too.
Mia calls the routine "great old Hollywood elegance." She thinks Matt is fantastic, and contradicts how Nigel says Matt has no personality. However, she feels the only time Kourtni feels strong is when her leg is in the air. Cough. Mia feels Kourtni's not comfortable enough with her size yet, but the routine was good nonetheless. Mary praises the choreography, but says the rest was a mixed bag. "We expect a lot from you. I expect a lot from you," she says, pointing out that they're excellent technical dancers, but their footwork wasn't good. Nigel says he wasn't disappointed at all, and says Matt is very strong to be able to lift Kourtni. "Thank you," she says, laughing, because she knows he's referring to her height. He calls the routine "twee" and says there was a bit of "fake performance," with funny little faces. "The minute we feel as though it's a dishonest performance, we're not going to enjoy it as much," he says, before adding that overall he thought it was good. "You sucked, but somehow it was good," essentially.
Courtney says Gev is really strong, and reminisces about how he threw her and flipped her during the disco routine. Gev says Courtney is really pretty, and the worst thing about her is that she has a boyfriend. Unspoken: "Because otherwise I'd be hittin' that." Not that he'd have a chance, since she bitches that he's too short, and when she wears heels, she's almost as tall as he is.
They're doing a contemporary piece by Mandy Moore, who thinks Gev is a bit of an underdog, and she wants to see what they can pull out of him. She calls it a love story between a man and a woman. Gev gives Mandy a thumbs-up for the routine.
"Lost" by Anouk is the music. They seem sleepy. Sunday-morning lovers lounging, at least until he throws her over his shoulders and twirls her around, and the energy picks up. I normally hate contemporary, but I don't hate this. They do a neat little foot-locking thing, and seem very connected.
Cat says she just got chills, and turns to Mia to find out what she thinks. "Mandy Moore, I love your choreography," she says. It's never a good sign when the judge delays saying what she thought of the dancers by focusing on the choreographer. She says she thought Courtney needed to melt into him a little more, and that sometimes it seemed like she was the man. She was proud of Gev, though, saying he was a good partner. Then Mary screeches that she loved it. She laughs a lot, and mentions the foot-thing she did. I'm always surprised when Mary focuses on something I liked. I feel like I'm wrong, or I should have screamed it and then laughed at everything else I said. Nigel says they danced it well, but he didn't really believe them. He gets booed and has to remind the crowd that it's a subjective thing. "As an emotional dance routine, it wasn't there for me." Also not there: Gev and Courtney, who skip off stage before Cat finishes pimping the phone numbers for them.
Katee thinks Joshua is a caring partner: "I love that about him." Joshua loves her smile, which makes him smile. Unfortunately, Katee says Joshua's always picking at her though. Oh, ouch. Joshua says Katee always does an annoying weird little dance whenever there's an awkward silence. Katee disputes that, and the video footage seems to confirm that Joshua's not above pulling them himself.
Tyce Diorio is giving them a Broadway routine, and we're instantly into jokes about jazz hands. "All For The Best" from Godspell, features them in '30s outfits (with a few slight modern touches -- Joshua has a little bit of Kiss makeup and Katee has a teardrop cheek tattoo). They're doing almost a marionnettey thing, featuring him lifting her quite a bit. Then there's some corny cane work, and running, which is the point I just wait for it to be over. It flits really quickly from one thing to the , like some kind of dance medley.
However, the judges -- Nigel and Mary, anyway -- are on their feet, with Nigel yelling "yes!" He says it was entertainment at its best, lavishes praise on Joshua for being a popper doing Broadway, and Katee was enchanting or magical or something. Mary screams that they should come with a warranty: "Satisfaction guaranteed!" Then she screeches, and I can't hear anything else she yells because my eardrums ruptured. "I thought it sucked," says Mia, clearly kidding. She says it was amazing, praising their connection. "Your spirit is major. It's so loud, and your body is right there with it," she tells Katee, and calls Joshua a "force," suggesting he'll be right there with Will in the top four. And then Nigel talks some more about poppers doing what "they" (meaning stuffy white dance guys, I presume) do, they're a force to be reckoned with. So the judges were banoodles for it. I don't pretend to know anything.
up are Susie and Marquis. Marquis says she has lots of energy, but she always has an energy drink in her hand, and she needs energy like an Eskimo needs snow. She says his best feature is that he's a goofball, but he needs to lay off the chips because he's always in her face with the chip-breath. He says her crazy hair is always getting in her face. Her hair is "fierce."
They're doing a salsa by Alex da Silva, which is right in their wheelhouse, given that Susie is Cuban and Marquis is Puerto Rican. We watch Susie look absolutely terrified at having to do a move that involves some kind of handstand split thing. "She's not really a salsa dancer, she does street salsa," explains Alex. Susie overhears this, and bawls her eyes out, because she reads it as "She's just a street dancer," which isn't what he said at all.
They're dancing to "Aguanile" by Willie Colón and Hector Lavoe. I have all their albums! For a good portion of the musical introduction, they might as well not be dancing with each other. When they clinch and start the salsa, they seem pretty good. The much-anticipated handstand split is taken so slowly and highlighted so much that it seems labored. But they do a cool move in which Susie spins around from sitting on Marquis's shoulders to having her legs wrapped around his waist, still facing forward.
Mia pans it. She says she liked the choreography, but Marquis was too Jello-y. She also expected more from Susie, since this is her strength. Mary: ditto. She says she say more chemistry in Chemistry 101 in high school. Mary totally figures out something cutesy to say while she's watching a routine and then just waits to deliver it. Nigel also hated it, saying it should have been fiery, but instead the Puerto Rican fire department is going to be putting them out. They have no jurisdiction there! That's crazy.
Twitch says the best thing about Kherington is her ability to say things are going to be OK. Because then they are OK! "And I find that to be very necessary, because I am the one to freak out." Kherington loves that Twitch is so muscular and can lift her. The worst thing about her, is her strong legs that he keeps getting kicked in his face. The worst thing about him is that he wears fake glasses. Like so fake that he doesn't have lenses in them, so she can just poke his eyes out. If Twitch is listening to this, I think he should amend his "worst thing about Kherington" to "she plans to poke my eyes out." Or "the worst thing is that her name makes her sound like she's the head snob at the rich kids' camp in an '80s movie."
They're dancing a Viennese waltz by Jean-Marc Genereux, who explains that the song has personal meaning for him, since it's inspired by his daughter, who has Rett syndrome and no motor control. He says the only thing that excites her is people movie, so he hopes she enjoys the dance. He can barely keep himself composed as he talks, and I have to admit that he got to me. Nothing scares me more than the thought of my daughter sick with something like that. If you're a parent, you know what I mean. So let's move on.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to criticize -- oh, the song is by Celine Dion. Well, that makes it easier. Oh, and the audience is holding up their arms and swaying! That also sucks! The dancing itself is very good, as far as I can tell. The difference between this and Mia Michaels' routine about her dad last year was at least this is a particular style that can be compared to other practitioners instead of just dancers leaping about on stage. Where it's similar is that hearing the background of this routine before actually watching it seems unfair because criticism of a highly personal routine can be taken highly personally.
Mia doesn't have that problem, though. She starts by praising the choreography, since she knows what it's like to put something intensely personal on stage. Having said that: Kherington, did you have to smile the entire time? Mia's completely missed that the song itself is actually uplifting, and so the smile's appropriate. Nigel interrupts to tell her so, pissing her right off -- rightfully so, too; she's here to give her opinion, wrong or not. I'd rather listen to Mia Michaels get it wrong like this than Mary screeching and laughing her way through another critique. She did, however, like Twitch, and says she'll shut up now. Mary almost cries as she talks about how good Kherington was, and calls Twitch "insane." She can't believe his flowing curves and lines. Nigel calls it a French-Canadian Viennese waltz, and then gives a little history lesson on the dance itself. He calls it a beautiful routine and congratulates them for dancing it so beautifully.
Comfort says the best thing about Chris is that he's so humble. "He has a very good spirit. Everybody can see that." Chris calls Comfort very versatile. But then she sometimes talks really fast, like it's a different language. He sweats too much! Awesome.
They're doing a krump routine by Lil' C. Chris says he's never krumped before. Really? You're whiter than I am, Chris. Lil' C says, "That's buck." Chris doesn't know what that means. It means banoodles!
They dance to a Timbaland joint that sounds like it has to be censored a lot for broadcast. I don't buy Chris at all, although he does his best. I can't tell if this is any good. It seems to me that if krump is specific enough to be classified separately from hip-hop, then there's only so much that can be done with it. At least until a choreographer comes along who makes me say, "That guy's going to change the way we think about krump!" It's krump. That's what it was.
Mia says she's a huge fan of Comfort, and says she'll be around a long time if she keeps doing what she's doing. As for Chris, she says he must have worked hard, because he pulled it off. Mary's laughing her arse off again, and it's because she's a "krump specialist." She says Comfort could have hit it a little harder and blah blah. She says Chris was respectable but Comfort blew him away. The audience boos. "If you're going to boo that, get ready," Nigel instructs the audience. He calls it an alpha-male dance, a "lion's roar." And then this: "Chris, my granny is more gangsta than you." Hee! Even Lil' C is laughing at that. Then he goes overboard with the "butch" and Incredible Hulk comments. You know, this might be the only show on television where a person can be chided for not grabbing his crotch aggressively enough. Oh, and he expected more from Comfort too. Chris, not gangsta? He commandeers Cat's mic to plead with America to remember Mia's comments. I'm thinking tomorrow night Nigel's granny is going to bust a cap in that ass.
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